Original subtitles

I'm trying to vacuum under the couch.

I need to vacuum under the chair, too.

Pick up your left leg.

Your other left leg, Colonel.

This is my right leg, Brown. Pick that one up, too.

you doing i'm being carver today car is sick so i'm doing everything that she

would normally do around here mr brown yeah whoo car is really lucky to have

somebody like me taking care of yes i wish i had somebody

like me to take care of me if i was sick if i was me taking care of me while i

was sick yes well she's left oh mr brown

I'd be there for her every need, her beckon and call.

Anything she need, I'd be right there.

Oh, Mr.

Brown. How do you hear her?

You're gonna wake up.

Uh, Cora's sick, y 'all, so y 'all keep your voices down in the house.

Hey, did you hear we had another burglary in the neighborhood?

Really? Then I get to dust off my artillery.

No, no, no, Colonel.

Don't worry about that. No need to do that. Jesus and I got it under control.

organized a neighborhood watch.

That's all?

A watch group?

Oh, what a bunch of wimps.

Three houses were robbed last week.

And you two are part of this sissy neighborhood watch, huh?

Yeah. And that sissy neighborhood watch is having a meeting here today.

Good. Well, I'm going to get Betsy and Nina.

Oh, the ladies down the street with the mullets and tank tops.

No, that's the need of my guns.

But I'll use the women down the street as a backup.

That guy really scares me sometimes.

Jamal, when I asked you to help me set up chairs, I actually thought you were

going to help me.

Set up chairs.

This is good stuff.

Don't they feed you at home?

I'm a grown boy.

What's this for anyway?

Mr. Brown doesn't have another magic show, is he?

Because I still can't find my brother.

No, this is for Will's neighborhood watch meeting.

Let's get out of here after we set up these chairs and go to your house and

study. No, it's crowded over my place.

There's no privacy.

Hey, guys.

Like there's any privacy here.

What's up, Jamal?

Nothing. You know, me and Brianna and I, you know, just talking, breathing,

eating, calming down.

Relax, Jamal. I'm glad you're here.

For real?

Actually, we were thinking about leaving.

I mean, why don't we stay?

Maybe we can help out some more, you know?

Yeah.

Maybe we can help out some more.

I'm trying to get on this good side, okay?

I got the answer on the sign -up sheet for the neighborhood watch.

Are we ready?

Yep. Sure. Looks like everybody's here. If everybody could have a seat so we can

get started.

That'd be great.

First of all, thank you, everybody, for coming out.

Now, as we know, several homes have been burglarized in the neighborhood.

Now, the police are doing what they can, but they can't be everywhere. That's

why we've come here.

Starting at 2100 hours, we will commence Operation Clean Sweep.

Now. I need real men. I don't need no sissy men. I need real women. I don't

women that act like women, but act like men. That's cool.

Sweet cookies.

Turn them. Turn them. Turn them. I got this.

All right.

I'll keep an eye on the recruits.

Get up!

Okay, we're going to need some volunteers for the neighborhood patrol

made up a shift schedule.

And here's some tips that I got online.

Pass these around, please.

I'd like to encourage all of you to be involved. Anybody can be a volunteer.

Anyone. I am

here to show you many techniques about defending oneself.

Now, what I'm here to do is to teach you defense techniques.

I have mastered several arts. of martial art and crayon and coloring art.

I am a master of black belt, green belt, orange belt, yellow belt, every kind of

belt. Now, what I will do today is teach you a technique known only to me and

kangaroos. It's called the kangaroo technique.

I will demonstrate now.

Now, the last and final technique I will

show you It's the death -defying brown technique.

I'm the only one who knows this.

I will paralyze this person and deparalyze him. I need a volunteer.

Yes, you're great.

Now, he will be paralyzed in 2 .35 seconds millimeters.

You'd like to crush my laryngitis.

All right, you maggots, listen up.

Your first lesson in Weapons 101.

Behold, the hanged man.

Civilian.

Colonel, what are you doing?

Hey, don't worry.

It's safe as long as I don't pull the...

I'm going to step back around the house for a minute.

virus me what you yes and everybody will

be sick carver gene simmons get upstairs right now thank you i appreciate it uh

carver uh before you go where's the basting pan i need to i gotta need a big

They make them turkeys and they cook them until they're golden brown?

Yes. Well, they got the brown part for me.

Golden brown. I know what I'm doing. Okay, well, maybe I just need a

No, no, get the pan and go in the bed.

All right, I'll get the pan. I'll get it. Okay, hurry up. Here's the pan.

Here's the pan.

I could have did that if I knew I could use that one.

Okay, go in the bed.

All right.

Oh, Cora, I need the cheese grater. You know what a cheese grater is? I don't

know what nothing is.

Oh, you too.

Oh, Cara, I need a knife and stuff. I'm going to make some scat potatoes.

Scat? Yeah. You mean gallop?

Yeah, them too.

Okay, here.

Oh, that's a big one. I can stab myself.

Okay. Anything else, sir? No, that's it. Oh, Cara.

What? Potatoes. What about the potatoes? I need to make potatoes.

Yeah. Okay.

No, that's it. That's it, Clara.

Oh, Clara. One more thing. Flour and sugar. That's what I need. Bring me some

flour and sugar. All right.

Yes. What do you need flour and sugar for? Clara, I'm going to make a pie.

What? A pie?

Yes. Oh, no. I can't let you do that. No, no. I draw the line. I put my foot

down.

What? My leg. Mr. Bryant, it feel like it's 200 pounds.

That ain't just your leg that's making you feel like that. Mr. Bryant.

is cooking.

Got anything else?

Yeah, Cor, before you go, can you bake the pie for me? Put the jack down for

sprinkle it up.

Just finish the dinner for me, Colonel.

For the last time, Colonel, the answer's no. Why not?

You can't plant landmines in the yard to catch a burglar.

Well, who said anything about catching?

Colonel, it's a neighborhood watch, not a neighborhood...

Watch you blow it all up.

So what are you going to do?

Eyeball him to death?

You know what, guys?

I'm going to go finish my shift. I'll see you in the morning.

Thanks, Jesus.

I'm going to bed, too.

Hey, Will, I'm telling you, if you let me handle this, the only burglar problem

you'll have is picking pieces of him out of the bushes.

Colonel, that's exactly what I'm afraid of.

Go to bed.

Good night.

Don't let me do nothing!

Nothing!

Jamal, is that true?

I thought you were my friend.

Yeah, well, your friend here is in a whole lot of trouble.

Look, well, let's... Wait, wait, wait, wait. What are you doing? Trying to

protect him?

No, I just want to hear what he has to say. Yeah, and I just want to hear him

beg for his life.

Jamal, this is serious.

I mean, I was... Hey, hey, hey, hey. You?

You need to be quiet. I mean, I was just... Just what?

Just using Brianna's friendship so you could come over here and case the house?

No, I... Jamal.

thinking you can't just come and take things up along other people

I'm going to give you a little extra. You need some.

No, no, come on. I make Cajun eggs and over easy bacon.

There you go, right there.

Bam!

As the French would say, bone apple feet.

That's what it smells like.

You ain't going to eat that. I cooked that myself.

How many times did you cook it? Look, you need something to stick to them

bones of yours.

It looks like it was stuck to your foot.

Okay, what I'm going to do is... you in time out for about four days like we

used to do curry curry you look a mess i'm all right

curry you look like you've been crucified i'm just going out here and

i'm gonna milk the chickens and i'm gonna feed the cows you can't go nowhere

looking like and you just look so disorganized you look oblivious come sit

you look a mess have a seat Yes, you should be in bed.

You're going to give us that swine flu.

You know,

what was all that noise I heard last night? Corby, you must have

Hallucinated. Hallucinate, Mr. Brown. Hallucinate. I was not hallucinating.

was not hallucinating.

Jamal tried to rob us.

What? Shut up. Your friend, Jamal?

My ex -friend, Jamal.

I don't know. I must have been so tired, I slept through the whole thing.

Brown, eat them eggs.

Thanks, Mr. Brown. I'm just... I'm gonna go to school.

Girl, you're a liar. You ain't got to be to school till 8 o 'clock. It's just 7

o 'clock.

It is? Oh.

You're lying.

We need to get her a chiropractor so they can adjust her attitude.

Jamal.

You're just gonna walk away from me?

Listen, I'm sorry, okay? Be quiet.

What did you think you were doing in my house last night?

Look, I didn't... I trusted you.

I thought you were my friend.

But you broke into my house and you tried to steal our stuff.

I'm sorry, okay?

Sorry's not gonna cut it, Jamal.

I don't get it.

Were you thinking about robbing us the whole time?

I just took food. What's the big deal? And what's up with that? Don't you have

food on your own? No!

I don't, okay?

I don't have food in my house, and we don't have a house anymore.

So what, like you're homeless? Please.

Wait, for real?

Forget about it, okay?

Hold up. Seriously, you lost your house. I said forget about it.

You know what? No.

You're going to talk to me right now because I helped you escape my house

night, so talk.

There's nothing to say.

After my parents split up.

My dad left.

And a couple of months ago, my mom got laid off.

I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay? Too bad.

Keep talking.

Well... We lost our house and... We've been living

in our van for the last couple of months.

Jamal, why didn't you ask for help?

I didn't want anybody to know.

So instead of asking for help, you decided to go to all those people's

and steal all of their stuff?

It wasn't me, okay?

I only broke into your house and a place down the street.

And I only took food.

Okay.

You need to go talk to Will.

He's not going to listen to me.

Of course he will.

Him and Sasha.

They'll listen to you, okay? I've put them through a lot. Trust me.

Yeah, I knew it.

I mean it. Seriously.

Talk to him. He'll listen.

How about you and me?

I mean, are we cool?

Of course we are. We're friends.

But are you cool with me helping you if you need it?

Okay. Okay?

Yeah.

Then let's go grab some lunch.

My treat.

Hey.

Hi. Brianna said you might be coming by.

You know how stupid that was?

Breaking into people's homes?

You realize you could have been arrested or...

Even worse, you could have been shot.

You got any idea how you being hurt would have affected your family? I

know what else to do. Jamal, you could have asked for help.

I guess.

You guess?

You young boys kill me with your pride.

Look, people fall on hard times all the time.

Since my dad left, I feel like I'm the man in my house. And I need to provide

for my family.

But that's just it, Jamal.

You're not a man yet.

You're still a kid.

Now, I understand you were doing what you thought was right, but you went

it the wrong way.

You know what?

I'm not going to come over anymore, okay? I just wanted to come by and tell

how sorry I was.

Get back over here and stop being so dramatic.

I got a question for you.

How'd you get in the house?

Yeah, maybe we should have added that to the neighborhood watch checklist.

Locked doors.

You good with tools?

Pretty good.

Okay. Well, good.

Because I could use some help around here, and something tells me you could

the cash.

Sounds good.

Good.

Hand me a wrench.

You don't know where the wrench is, do you? No clue.

Mr. Brand, I feel good.

Oh, Kyra, what are you doing out of the bed?

Oh, my fever broke, Mr. Brand. I feel great.

Victory is ours.

Victory is ours.

Me and Jesus caught the real thief. Jesus got him in a headlock and we're

waiting on the police.

You hold him, Jesus. I'm coming.

Simplify.

Super fun!

Mr. Grant, I'm going back to bed. I see some things never change. All right.

Kurt, Kurt, before you go to bed, can you do something for your daddy?

What is it, Mr. Grant? What is it?

Kurt, I need you to help me finish ironing these clothes.