Original subtitles

And when the crowd heard this, they were astonished.

Hey,

stop that running.

What's the matter?

You liked it when Jason called you sweet feet.

Jason didn't put syrup in my shoe.

Hey, y 'all don't get it. Quit all of that running.

I'm not playing Mommy Dearest with you, so let it go.

We have the finest tone in Beverly Hills.

Hey! Would you two demons keep it down? I'm trying to read the word.

It is so lively in here today. Cora, I can't concentrate. I'm trying to read

these scriptures.

The scripture.

I'm them scripture.

Yes.

What is all this noise? Cora, where is this coming from?

What is all this noise across the street? That's the fraternity boys next

Mr. Brown.

Fraternity? What the... Is that like when you're trying to find out if you're

the baby mama?

No, Mr.

Brown. It's not a fraternity. It's a fraternity.

It's a brotherhood. You know the boys, they go to school together, they eat

together, and all that, and then they spank each other with paddles.

Okay, they live together. Yeah.

And they spank each other with paddles. Yeah, fraternity, yes.

Cora, that sound like some boys that wear them rainbow colors.

Come on!

Um,

excuse me. Does this lady here belong to you?

Oh,

boy.

Well, I'll give you 40 bucks to take her back.

Thank you, son. Thank you so much. I'll see you tomorrow, baby.

Edna, now, if you're thinking about hitting me with that paddle, I'm going

hit you back.

That's what I'm counting on, baby.

A little whoop -ass.

Get the ax, Tina.

If I had an ax, I'd chop your face off.

What did I tell you about that? I'm calling their families to come pick them

Cora's too much.

No, you can't do that, Mr. Brown. We can't. Cora, just think of something.

Hurry, hurry.

I think I got it. I think I got it. What? A family date.

Cora, your mama can't come over here.

Madea is crazy. She smokes, she cusses, she drinks, and she lies.

And did you check her throat?

I think Madea is a dude.

Why are you saying that about my mother? Check her throat.

She might be a man.

Check her throat.

Girls got great big hands.

Check her throat, check her throat, check her throat.

She might be a man.

Okay, all right. If my mother is a man, and you're my daddy,

What does that make you?

Check his throat.

Eight pounds, six ounces?

Congratulations, girl!

I know, I know. I can't believe you're a mommy either.

Oh, honey, I know, I know. I'm coming to visit Tiff, I promise.

Send me the pictures to my phone.

All right?

Oh, you shut up, okay?

Yes. First down, baby. That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, told you, Colonel.

You don't want to bet against me. I always pick winners.

You're going to lose your shirt on this one, Rambo.

No, no, no. I'm keeping my clothes on, and I don't do that metrosexual stuff.

Honey? Hey.

Um, can we talk?

Uh, yes.

Sure, Angel, but not now, okay?

Hey, have you ever realized that I'm the only one of my girlfriends who hasn't

had a baby?

Yeah, and you're the only one of your girlfriends that still looks good.

Except for Carmen, the social worker.

She's pretty hot.

You know what would make you look a little bit better?

If you just went to the kitchen and got us a beer.

Oh, come on, man.

Where you throwing the book?

It was wide.

Funny. Are you ignoring me right now?

Huh? No, no, I'm not ignoring you. I'm just into the game.

Why? What did you say?

All right.

These are pictures of Tiffany's new baby.

Isn't she cute?

Oh, yeah, he's adorable.

Will, you didn't even look.

Yes! Yes! Baby!

Yes!

That's right! Will! Will!

I want to have a baby.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Flag on the plane. Way too much information.

Yeah, I want the Bulldogs to score a touchdown, but I'm not making an

announcement.

Okay, look.

Are you listening to me? I'm serious.

Okay, look.

Baby, just relax, okay?

Now, Tasha, every time one of your girlfriends has a baby, you get like

Ah!

Interception. Oh, no!

Honey, honey, look, just think.

Just think if you had your own little son right there playing football.

Wouldn't that be cute?

Wait, what if it's a girl?

I don't know, a girl can play football too.

If they're wearing dresses, I'll watch.

Wait, no, no, no!

Listen, listen, listen.

Honey, look, I just want to have our kids while I'm still young.

That's not young.

My wife had six kids by the time she was 16.

Oh, yeah?

Well, my sister had her first grandchild by the time she was 14.

Look, sweetheart, we'll have kids someday, okay? Just not now.

Okay.

Tell me why not.

If one of the neighbors say they got the windows bust out their house, it wasn't

us. Okay, guys?

See, that's two reasons right there. Yep, and the name should be birth and

control.

Come on, come on, come on, come on!

Aw, man!

We lost the game.

Socks, anybody up for a beer? I'll take a beer.

We'll take it from an old horse lover.

That filly is ready to be bred.

All right, don't worry about who needs to be bred.

We're going to turn you into glue.

So, Carmen, did you have any luck?

I couldn't find family on anyone.

Well, Brianna and Joaquin's mother is the only one I've been able to reach,

she won't be coming.

Oh, why?

Why? Oh, she's in jail.

Well... Okay, my mother's in jail, too.

But anyway, what about London's family? No, they won't talk to her ever since

you were that fur coat to the animal rights rally.

What did she do there?

She said she was cold.

She was cold?

Hey, guys.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, so how you doing? Hi, Carmen.

That's quite a pretty dress you've gone on.

Reminds me of my mother.

And you need to work on your flirting.

Okay. I'm going to call some more people, and then I'm going to call you

Okay. Thank you so much, Cormac, for helping me, all right?

Cora.

What are you doing with that sheet?

Cora, this part I surprised.

I'm hiding it so nobody won't know the surprise.

I'm hiding it. I like surprises.

You like surprises?

Uh -huh.

You surprised?

Are you crazy? Cora, this is kind of secret. This is secret.

Okay, I got it hidden in here. Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah. What's the secret, Mr. Brown?

I don't tell people secrets.

If you tell me something... It's a secret. I keep it to myself. I don't

secrets. That's good. He's good with that. Yeah, because Cora's secret. Cora

a secret. If you make her laugh too hard, she will pee on herself. But I

I'm not telling nobody on Cora. Huh?

Yes, that girl wet herself clean from the top to the bottom. Mr. Brown, what?

No, sometimes it's going to spike the room.

Cora, be careful. Be careful.

Be careful.

She don't pee with sheep, my baby.

No.

Hello, baby.

Who are you?

Put your hands on me, sucker.

All right, you mad? What's wrong?

Yes, I am mad, Will.

We need to have this talk about having a family. Come on, baby, not again.

Yes, again.

Okay, we'll have kids when we're ready.

Oh, well, guess what?

I'm the W in we, and I say that we're ready right now.

Well, I'm the E in we, and yeah, I'm not.

I mean, look, we haven't even been married that long. Why can't we just,

know, enjoy being newlyweds for a little while longer?

I mean, you weren't complaining this morning.

but I think you were the one sucking your thumb.

All right, look.

Sweetheart, we discussed this.

We have plenty of time for kids.

No, you see, you're mistaken.

You see, a discussion is when we both get a chance to express our opinions.

Uh, no.

That's a debate.

Look, Mrs. Brown.

Mr. Brown,

That's disgusting.

Okay? Since I'm going to be the father of this child, since I'm going to be the

one responsible for providing for it and this family, I've decided we're not

ready to start a family.

Well, just know that I am the woman, and I would have to

carry the child.

So I guess that means that I have to go and find another father.

Have fun.

She played.

Are you sure this isn't a firing squad?

Blindfolds remind me of my first home video.

Okay, this is going to have y 'all loving me.

Y 'all going to be like, ooh, I love me some brown.

Would you hurry up? This blindfold is making me itch. Yeah, and I can't wait

pin the tail on the donkey.

I don't think this is a good idea right now. We couldn't find any of their

family. Oh, don't worry about it. I made a few calls with them. Okay.

I want everybody to take their blindfolds off on the count of three.

Okay. One.

idea was this. How am I?

I don't have a family.

Brown, you moron! Is this what we waited all day for?

Colonel, you gotta stop all this spitting. Give me a towel.

This is a joke, right?

No, family day.

This isn't funny.

You know our mom can't come.

In 15 years?

family's not here either no not even the police are here and they always come

i'm gonna go check on the kids i'm gonna go check on ladies okay

hey i'll go check on carmen yeah i don't know why they so mad i got a clown

coming turn i'm glad you stayed while you're home i'm not here for you i want

see the clown

I told you this wasn't going to work.

I just, I better leave.

Bye, Pawpaw.

No, no, no, no. Don't go nowhere. Come back here. Come back.

Pawpaw, you can't let her go nowhere.

Come on, Pawpaw. Look at y 'all.

Call me that again.

He don't mean that. He just, he just a little mad. You know, he got good sense

of humor. I'm glad you came.

Look like y 'all close.

Listen, Dad, we have to get past this. You cannot stay angry at me forever.

Oh, yes, he can.

He's still mad at this dude he met in Vietnam named Charlie.

Charlie this, Charlie that. Kill Charlie. Shoot Charlie. Who in the devil

Charlie?

I'm sick of Charlie myself.

Wow, you look like you about to kill me.

I'm going to go this way.

Y 'all just hug.

Okay, I'm going to go. Okay, I'll be out.

I don't appreciate you forcing me out of my own house.

Dad, I thought it was best to move you to a retirement home. You were so

depressed after Mom passed away.

I acted the way anyone would act when they lose a loved one, when they lose

love of their life. Mom, Dad, you were so irrational.

I mean, you held that little boy hostage.

He was throwing things at my house. He was the paper boy.

Well, to show him.

And you were also becoming a recluse. I just thought you needed to be around

people your own age. Dammit, I don't want to be around people my own age.

You should have just left me alone.

What's up, big fella?

Family date sucks.

What you doing?

Well, I found this old bike in my uncle's garage, and I figure it still

little life in it.

You're riding this bike? You look so silly.

Yeah, you're probably right.

But I figure you, on the other hand...

Might look pretty fly cruising on this bad boy. What do you think? For real?

Yeah. If you want it, it's yours.

Wow. Thanks, Will.

Anytime, man. Go ahead. Give it a spin.

Okay. Whoa.

Oh.

Oh. Maybe I need to pick that.

Okay. All right. Wait, wait, wait. No trees and cars.

No.

For a guy who doesn't want kids anytime soon, you sure like to play daddy.

Come here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Will, I don't want to talk about it.

Baby, please, sit down.

Look.

I love you.

With all my heart.

I'm just not ready to start a family right now.

Okay?

We haven't been married that long, and I just... I just want us to...

enjoy a little bit more time together, just the two of us.

So if you give me, I don't know, maybe another year, then we can have all the

babies you want.

Is that okay?

Yeah.

Yeah.

So... Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Hey!

What are you rushing off to?

We're having a moment.

No, no, no.

I'm going to get a calendar, I'm going to write it down, and we're going to get

a stopwatch.

Baby, the countdown begins today.

Damn.

There you are.

What do you want?

Well, you stormed away before I could give you this.

I gave this to your mother.

I know.

And she gave it to me when I went away to college.

I want you to have it.

That's a nice gesture, but I still don't think you understand.

I do, yes. I do understand.

I've lost my mother, and when you shut me out, I lost you.

I need my father back.

You got your papa.

You got your papa.

Okay, everybody, come on, come on out. Come on, cheer up, cheer up. Everybody,

this is a good family day.

Yes, come on out.

All right, all right, how about we play charades? Anybody want to play charades?

Come on, come on. This is probably going to surprise all of you, but I don't

feel like...

acting today.

But I'm scared.

Okay, let me apologize.

I'm sorry that the clown didn't work out. Sorry about that.

Who knew Jesus was scared of clowns?

Hey, for the record, I didn't mean to hurt him. I just had a bad experience.

Thanks a lot, Jesus. Now we have no entertainment.

I just wanted to see him drive that little car.

What the devil? All this noise and frat boys at it again.

Hey!

What the devil, Carver?

Carver! Carver! Here they come!

Carver, they trying to fraternize me.

They look mad.

What the devil?

Carver, they crazy.

Mr. Brown, I'm not trying to hurt you. Well, what they doing?

It's called the death march. When you finna kill somebody, I know it.

Brothers, hold up.

Mr. Brown, what you call us over here for?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I want to see a little accent.

Don't you stop.

I'm just talking about a little accent.

Yes, I think it's a good idea.

For me to change it, yes.

Okay, okay, we can do that.

Fellas? I thought y 'all was new additions.

Get ready.