Original subtitles

Have you seen this kitchen? I think Uncle Brown's going to need to hire a

Why? He's got me and you.

I think he bit off more than he can chew. They'll turn my granddad's house

a retirement home.

Brown, hurry up. I'm out of uniform.

Oh, shut up, Colonel. You don't need no pants. You're retired.

And close your flap on your boxers.

Women in the house.

I'm so tired. I ain't had sleep in two days.

Sasha, can you wash them clothes?

Uncle Brown, these are dirty. Hey, Uncle Brown, my wife is not your maid.

Matthew, please. I got too much to do. There's too many people in here. I got

cook breakfast. I got to wash clothes.

I can't do everything. And I don't know none of my friends. No, baby.

You're just going to kill me. You're just too much.

Please.

You got to help your uncle.

The whole house smelled like liniment and cabbage.

Come on. All right, all right. Fine, fine, fine. I'll do it. Oh, thank you.

Nephew, I'm so proud of you. I'm glad you turned out all right. Thanks.

you know, we didn't think you was going to make it when you was born.

Yes, your mama drank clean up until that minute she had you.

When she was pregnant with you, she was getting ready to have you. She'd just

take a drink and push.

Take a drink and push.

You know we was going to name you fifth.

When you was born, your head was... So big?

Did you know you had a grown man head?

We was going to try to teach you how to swim.

We put you in that water and you just...

I'm

telling you, his head, I think he had big head of lighters.

Your head was so big you could run fast.

Go!

You were so good.

I'm glad you grew enough hair to cover your head.

Hey, Sasha.

Oh, hey, Carmen.

I need a favor.

What's up? I have these two wonderful kids that I'm trying to place in a home,

and I am having the hardest time finding one.

Well, why? Are they special needs, or...? No, no, the eight -year -old

he's a doll.

Sister Brianna's a little bit of a handful, but their mother's in jail

now, so I really need a home for them. Poor babies.

But I was thinking, since you're a care provider, maybe you and Will can take

them in for a bit. Oh, Carmen, I could, but not for another couple of weeks.

We're still moving into our new place.

Oh, hey, Sasha. Hey, Carmen, how you doing?

Hey, Cora, can you come here for a minute? Oh, sure. What's going on? Um,

was just telling me that she's got two foster kids that need a place to stay.

We have a lot of space here where maybe I can talk to Mr. Brown.

I'm sure he wouldn't mind helping some needy kids. No, I think he's got his

hands full with the people that are already here.

Hey, Colonel!

Look at me, I'm Brown!

The devil is alive!

What are you doing, Colonel?

Colonel, if you weren't so old, I'd take your arms off and beat you with them.

I'm paying so tight, you look like you're going to get a yeast infection.

If I get one, it'll be from you.

How about I talk to him a little later?

Hey, Megan, move out of the way.

Excuse me, old man.

Oh, that's my security.

Well, Miss LaRue, we're going live in 30 seconds. Are you ready? I'll be ready,

Doc. Where's this going to play?

On an ancient history channel?

It's a local talk show.

They're remaking Mississippi Mud. It's the film that made me a star.

Your rating has just hit an all -time low.

And we're going live in five, four, three... Good

morning, ATF! I'm standing here with film legend Miss Daisy LaRue.

Now, do you know who she is? Because I don't, but hey...

So we got to start when we can.

Miss Ruth, say hello to the ATL.

Oh, hello, darling.

Oh, I'm so, I'm so happy to be invited back on your show, Arsenio.

I am so sorry. I didn't know I had an interview today.

London Sheraton.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special guest this morning. The DUI diva

herself, London Sheridan.

Hi, Ellen.

I'm not Ellen.

Well, you have the same haircut as her.

Oh, well, anyways.

Um, so I just wanted to tell you that obviously you can tell I'm adjusting

to prison life.

And, you know, this whole community service thing is really a trip once you

used to living in the hood.

Oh, I'm so sorry. I meant to say ghetto.

Get out of here, you untalented, derivative little porn performer.

Hold it right there, Maude.

I have talent.

Oh, I've seen your talent.

The colonel showed me your little homemade video.

You saw that?

Research.

wait until after my interview?

Your interview?

They came here for me.

Why would anybody want to see you? You're not even famous. You haven't even

arrested. Fix that when I murder you.

Bring it on, you has -been hag.

I'm ready, you little trust fund trollop.

He has some pudding I'd be in hog heaven.

Well,

it's old fool versus new fool.

Back to you in the studio, Mark.

Have you been losing weight?

You can look in this shirt. You've been shrinking.

Look at this thing.

I ain't been this complimentary since I baked you them double -stuffed cookies.

What you want?

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Hey, Mr. Franklin.

We just had these two children. She need to come home for a while.

How young and what is the while? Oh, you won't even notice they're here.

Not at all. Oh, as long as y 'all watch them. If they come in for a couple

hours, y 'all take care of them. Yeah, no, no, no. It's going to be more like a

couple of days.

Yeah, yeah. The devil is alive. No, they can't come.

Children are alive when you look at them and they're too noisy.

No, the Bible says, suffer, little children, and come unto me.

If they come unto me.

They're going to suffer.

Mr. Brown, Mr.

Brown, wait, now you know Jesus said that the children come unto me.

That's right. He said let them come unto him, not unto Brown.

The Bible also said there are many mansions in heaven. There are mansions,

houses, condominiums, and apartments.

Let them find one in heaven. Oh,

well, that's all right, Cora.

I guess they're just going to be sad.

at the end. Yes.

Just like the sweet baby Jesus who was all up alone in the

barnyard. The cows and the chickens and the porcupines.

Well, well, well, well, well. Well, well. Poor little children. Yes. You

about baby Jesus? I'm talking about baby Jesus.

baby jesus i can't i can't have them kids

then they'll be out there sleeping alone in the manager wrapped up in

swaddling clothes you mean in a manger in swaddling clothes mr brown

Don't correct me in front of nobody. I'm telling this story.

I can't have them kids sleeping out there with the coyotes and the chickens.

All right, y 'all.

Bring them unto Brown.

You're going to be rewarded in heaven for this, Mr. Brown. I want to be

right here.

Give me at least $50 for they rent.

And give me at least 24 hours notice before they get here.

My purse is in there. Give me your $50. I need to run.

Oh, thank you.

Corrie, you looked me dead in my face and lied to me.

I ought to put you over my leg and I ought to snatch a knot on your butt.

That'll take all day, Corrie. I'm not going to do that to you.

They must have different daddies.

Oh, hey, brother.

All the kids.

Look at you.

Oh, you just glowing.

What y 'all want to do? Y 'all want to get something? What do you want to do?

Eat.

Curb, I told you. Next thing they're going to want, you want water too, don't

you?

Well, swallow your spit, Curb.

What's Angie going to think of us?

But you have like 25 babies and I don't want to be a mommy yet.

Okay.

London, darling.

Darling. What?

Don't you have a charity event at 7?

Yeah. I'm being honored tonight. What time is it?

6 .59.

not to let me oversleep. Oh, I must have forgotten.

We geezers do that, you know.

I'm going to check my makeup.

Oh, oh, no, darling. Let me see. Oh, you look perfect.

You're such a natural beauty.

Oh, thank you. That's so sweet.

Yeah, I have a big event tonight. It's going to be on TV and everything.

Oh, well, you don't want to miss that. Oh, no.

I'm being honored tonight. I'm the vegetarian of the year.

Oh, well, let's don't forget your jacket.

Are you sure this looks okay? It's perfect, darling.

Okay.

Well.

Children should be seen and not heard. Go outside and get me a switch.

We are outside.

Yeah.

This is our fourth spot through.

It's kind of scary always moving someplace new.

You'll get used to it, son.

You know, I was dropped out of a Huey in Nam in the summer of 66.

Oh, Lord.

Yeah, and Charlie was all around me.

Who's Charlie?

They had us covered.

They captured Dennis before he could get a shot at him.

And my best friend, Leo, he walked into a tank and boom!

Next thing I know, I was picking pieces of him out of my hair.

Colonel, your queen is too young to be hearing them kind of stories.

Uh, it's...

Joaquin. Joaquin, Joaquin, whatever. Queen just, you're too young to be him.

Go on, Colonel.

Then what happened?

Did you kill anybody?

Well, I haven't killed anybody lately.

I've got somebody in mind.

I'm ready.

Let's go get some ice cream. Come on.

We're going to go check on Cora and your sister. Come on. She's not here.

What did you say, Marine?

Fran said she's not staying. She left an hour ago, sir.

As you were, young man. Back up, back up. You'll be my shield.

In other news, celebrity diva London Sheridan showed up last night at a

event for the National Vegetarian Association, wearing a jacket with the

Eat More Meat written on it.

Miss Sheridan was chased out of the event by a crowd of angry vegetarians

two hungry vegans.

Three more like it.

You evil little girl.

I'm going to kill you. Is there anyone you'd like to call before you

die?

Anyone you'd like to call before you die, Lucy?

Maybe Ricky?

Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Someone called for you yesterday.

And let me think.

It was Warner Brothers, and they said that they wanted to use you for their

movie.

But then I told them that you died 40 years ago.

Oh, that was your career.

What are you doing?

I'm looking for knives.

Because I want to kill you, and I want it to be very, very painful.

room in this house for one diva. You can either go out on your back or on your

feet.

Well, you're certainly the expert at being on your back.

At least when I'm on my back, I can get up.

Place your bets, people.

My mind is on Daisy.

She's old and frail, but she's treacherous.

We're about to witness the death.

Of the world's most untalented tabloid queen.

Wait, wait, wait. Hold on, hold on. Okay, that's enough. Enough is enough.

right, that's enough. Then when I'm dead, I guess I'll know how your career

feels. Oh, I will tell her. Hey, hey, hey. Cut it out. Cut it out. You two are

acting like kids. Hey, I take offense to that.

I'm a kid, and I don't act like that.

Sweetheart, why don't we let the grown -ups deal with it and fall aside?

Okay, you look, ladies. We have a real problem here.

Rihanna is missing.

Okay, now you both have to live together, so figure out how to get

I'm so sorry. I... It must be the Georgia heat. I just,

I mean, I was acting crazy. I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry. It's okay.

I'm sorry, too.

Do you forgive me?

Oh, honey.

By the way, I was kidding about the Warner Brothers thing.

It was Paramount.

Rihanna, where have you been?

I slept out here last night.

Everyone's been very worried about you.

What's going on in there?

You're missing it. You're missing it. The old lady, she's in there. And she's

choking out the young rich chick.

Yeah.

Rihanna, you can't keep doing this. People have been very worried about you.

Sorry. Well, sorry is not good enough, Rihanna.

Okay, I have one out of places to put you in, and you are putting your brother

in jeopardy. Look, I'm going to do me.

You just take it. No, no, no, wait, wait. I'm not finished.

Could I have a word with Brianna alone?

Sure.

Come on.

Heaven? I don't think... Please.

You know, um, when I was growing up in Alabama, I had a friend who was just

you.

You did?

She was very, very pretty and smart, too. Got skipped two grades.

But when she turned 15, she thought she knew more than her parents.

So she just ran off.

She thought she was grown. She wanted to be on her own.

First person she runs into is a pimp.

It took her 18 years to get from under him.

18 years.

You only have a few choices in life.

Those people in there, they love you.

They care about you, Brianna. No, they don't. They don't know me.

But you don't give them any chances either.

Nothing I'm saying makes sense to you.

A little bit.

Those streets will eat you up, baby. They will eat you up.

Are you done? Can I go now?

Miss Edna, what happened to your friend?

She ended up being a very beautiful...

40 -year -old woman.

That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.