Original subtitles

Previously on J -Pod... I'm leaving you for a new beginning.

Honey, this is crazy.

Why would Martha Stewart want to go to a butchered -out lesbian commune?

That time they met here, I saw a spark.

I know my sons love me, and I know you're probably lost without me, and I'm

coming home.

How does it feel to be the boss lady?

I like it.

I like it a lot. And this is our new staff conduct policy.

We had three losses last year because of, uh, in -house nookie.

Does anybody know a babette that works here?

Man party.

Rodeo?

Two words, babe.

Sausage fest.

No.

Sword fight. Guys, no. Time for some real work.

I have to deliver results if I want to stay in charge, and Sprite Quest isn't

going to make itself.

I hear you, but the dirty crossword puzzle won't solve itself.

Tell you what, if I get this clue, you all have to get cranking.

And if you don't, you have to help us solve every last dirty clue.

You're on.

Okay, boss lady.

Man party.

Two words, ten letters.

Circle jerk.

Damn, she got it.

After hanging with you guys for months, I'd like to think I've learned

something.

Now, please get back to work.

Thank you.

Go.

I've got that gore sequence ready for you.

Um, I was going to ask how your weekend was.

Oh. I just thought with that whole staff conduct policy thing... It doesn't mean

we can't still be friends.

Friends.

Look, um... About your offer for lunch?

What?

Please tell me my code files are still on the hard drive.

Everything's good on my computer.

Yeah, mine too. Everything's intact.

That was weird.

Everything's exactly the same as it was before.

It's nice to have a date for once where nothing bad happens.

Big wig.

Nine o 'clock.

Everyone, I need your attention.

Parrish, what brings you down to J -Pod?

Well, I'm not one for giving long speeches, so I'm going to get right to

point. J -Pod is being disbanded. What?

No, today's Power Riders created a mainframe glitch which triggered a staff

reshuffling. And I like what I saw.

But what about the price crunch?

Lost cause.

Austin Marksman's beating it to the punch with the elf crusade. How about

resurrecting Bourdette? We acknowledge all of your talents and assure you that

we will find positions for each of you at other games. Now, if you'll excuse

I have a very special board meeting to prepare for.

I always knew J -Pod couldn't last forever, but this feels premature.

Total premature evacuation.

J -Pod disbanded.

I can understand it if we were screwing the pooch down here, but we work hard.

Ish.

And now a computer glitch is gonna break us up?

Ain't nobody's glitch.

Well, a glitch brought us together and a glitch has torn us apart.

I thought that whole J -surname thing was just an urban myth.

It's no myth at all.

We were there.

It was the last Neutronic Arts hire -a -thon of the 20th century, right around

the time NA stock had split 16 times over, when they were still willing to

random creative minds with a love of video games.

And there we were, five impressionable kids with a J surname amidst a hundred

other applicants.

Brianna Jang, what is your area of expertise?

Seriously, wherever you put me, I'm going to excel.

I have no choice.

Chinese upbringing.

You're obviously a product of good genes.

Name's Casper Jesperson, but you can call me Cowboy.

I see you've studied coding at Yale.

Impressive.

You think that's impressive?

That's quite a mouthful.

Crowell Mountain Jennifer?

What kind of name is that? The kind you get when your mother's a crazed hippie

feminist.

So, why Neotronic Arts?

Well, ever since I was a kid, I've dreamed of working at Neotronic Arts, a

company that made Defendoid.

Very interesting, Mr.

Jarluki. Yeah.

Come back January 2nd for your assignment.

Unless that Y2K computer virus brings us all crashing down.

Well, actually, New Year's in London right now, and your mainframe hub's out

there, so if there was going to be a problem, it would have already happened.

Weird.

Here we are.

Welcome

to our nightmare.

This is not the 21st century workspace I envisioned.

It's like beneath the planet of the apes.

The basement that time forgot.

Yeah, but it's ours.

And that's how J -Pod began.

And this is how it ends.

Not with a bang, but a clinch.

Dad.

Dad.

What's the big emergency? What's wrong?

What's wrong is that I have to fake an emergency just to get my son to pay

attention to me.

Ethan, I'm lonely.

Mom might come back. Dad, you really want her to see you like this?

Hey, I'm not finished with that.

This is growing fur.

When was the last time you ate properly?

All four food groups.

Not since your mother left.

All right, well...

Get cleaned up.

We'll go to the grocery store.

So I've been thinking.

This could be my chance to get on Noogles.

The Swedish furniture giant is making a game?

A Sims mod, complete with an all -Noogle furnished environment.

I know Neotronic Arts is big on the co -brand adventures, but this is a dream

gig. For you, maybe.

Well, what if it has to be put on that new Girlfighter game? Wouldn't you like

that?

Girlfighter.

Yeah, it'll have killer mocap, but... Okay, wait.

You're the one who's always seen J -Pod as a chosen family unit.

Why are you okay with splitting us up?

Because of the new staff relationship conduct policy.

If we're no longer in the same pod, it will be easier for us to hide our

relationship.

And I thought you were just another pretty face.

You know how to make tacos, Dad. I gotta get back to work.

Guantanamera, baby.

Carol!

Jim. You're back!

Well, hello, Jim.

The commune's being fumigated, so Carol thought it'd be a fresh idea if we just

camped out here for a few weeks.

Bed bugs everywhere.

I'll be out back.

Can't believe how fast they totally take over the place.

Come on in.

Wait till you see it. We're just finishing cleaning up.

Isn't it all so fallopian?

Fallopian?

Jim, fallopian is a liberated way of saying fresh.

Just put your things in the kitchen.

I'll need a place in there to stick my taco fixin'. Our sacred ritual calls for

a purified storage facility cleansed of male contact.

Go find another place for your fixin'. Where'd you put my Gatorade?

Oh, we'll find a shelf for you, just like in college. And I've made up a cot

you in the basement.

But, Jim, feel free to come and go as you please.

This is your home, too.

Carol?

We're waiting.

Oh, Jim, I have to go. We're using magnets to realign the backyard's energy

field.

Hey, Gordina.

Hey. Tough day for J -Pod, I hear.

Tough day all around.

Yeah.

You know, extreme curling could use some of your gore expertise.

Ooh, I think maybe I'll take some time off and travel, get away for a bit.

Or maybe I'll go back to med school and finally please my mother.

I don't know, I just want to shake things up, you know?

We might have a way of combining travel, gaming, and med school.

Our medical imaging division in San Francisco is always looking for new

I'd take things up for you.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would.

I'll think about it. Thank you. You're welcome.

To the coder, go the spoils.

What's that?

Ta -da!

Leather toys, dildos, carton of Langley's, industrial -sized chug -a

nipple clamps, feather tickler. What is this?

From Gordina.

No.

It's from Awesome Art.

We hope to get our hand on your package.

Dude,

you're not going to sell out to Awesome Farts, are you? It's nice to be wanted.

Well, Bree and I are pushing for Noogle and Girlfighter. Nice. It's Johnny's

idea. See, if we work in different pods, we can hide our relationship.

That's smart.

What are you going to do, Ethan?

I don't know what I'm doing yet.

Gordina mentioned San Francisco. San Francisco?

Yeah. The medical imaging facility is there.

It's an option.

Well, that's great.

Well, it's not a done deal.

But if it's the right move for you, then it's the right move for you, and you

should do what's right for you and move.

Ethan's not going to move to the States.

Ketchup tastes different there. I might move.

It's an option.

Ooh, lounge.

Hey, Babette.

San Francisco.

How did you know that?

I'll miss you.

You'll miss me? You barely even know me. All we do is talk on the phone.

I see you all the time.

Where? Around.

I'm not angry, Babette. I'm just kind of weirded out.

If you want to talk, let's just meet for coffee.

I can't right now, but we will be able to meet face to face very soon.

I promise.

Dude, are you going to hit that before you leave town or what?

Ugh.

Dad, what are you doing here?

Well, your mother's lesbian troupe has landed, so it was either a house full of

coochie monsters or your couch.

Oh, okay.

Well, uh, don't get too comfortable.

You wouldn't kick your old man out, would you?

No.

But, uh...

I'm putting in a transfer to Neotronics Medical Imaging Division.

I'm moving to San Francisco.

Well, I could take over your apartment when you're gone.

Until then, we're roomies.

And you're out of toilet paper.

Dad, taking over my apartment is not going to solve your problems.

It's way better than living with a coven of she -creatures and sleeping on a cot

in the basement.

Look, I don't know what's going on with Mom, but you need to pull yourself

together and take responsibility for the mistakes you've made and make things

right with her.

Is that all?

I'll get on it right away.

Hey, Dickwad, what the hell is the deal with that big, scary mural of Mom up in

Steve's apartment?

What mural of Mom?

Steve was always kind of obsessed with Mom.

You knew about this?

Why didn't you say something?

Mom saw before I did. By the time I found out about it, Dad already had

cam -napped to China.

You had him cam -napped?

Way to go, Dad.

Cowboy and I had to go to China to bring him back. He was addicted to heroin.

And then he left.

Oh, I miss all the good stuff.

Okay, look, Steve's ex -wife has hired me to sell this place, and I can't deal

with this van art mural up here. So, Ethan, you're the caretaker.

Get rid of it. And, Dad, you help him. He needs something else to do besides

drink all day.

Isn't she beautiful?

Oh,

I like that.

Howdy, cowboy.

It's Babette.

Babette?

Heard a lot about you.

I need your help.

What, with Ethan?

Look, if you're interested, just talk to him.

That's not as easy as it sounds.

Unless you live in an iron lung, it actually is.

I'm actually AI.

Artificial intelligence, right.

Don't believe me?

Look at your monitor.

It's beautiful.

Who wrote this?

with every other coder who's ever worked here.

Abandoned and forgotten code swarms on the Neotronic mainframe, cowboy.

Like organic life, I am a happy accident.

You should answer that email from Gordina.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Tell me more about this code.

Babette.

Babette.

What email from Gordina?

Oh, that one.

Weird.

You wanted to see me?

It's quite the gift basket you got from Awesome Arts.

I thought being signed for at reception.

Perfect for slumber parties.

Okay, so Awesome is trying to poach you. How do we keep you here? Money?

I've got plenty.

Your own private office?

I'm a people person.

Super pool?

Well, that wouldn't suck.

But what I'd really like is my own research division.

Research in what exactly?

Artificial intelligence.

I have ideas for an AI gaming experience that will make Resident Evil look like

Pong.

Prove it.

If you can mock up a prototype for Larry in time, I'm sure he'd like to add

this. to the other properties that he's insuring at the special board meeting.

You gonna watch the webcast?

I can think of much better things to do with my time and my webcam.

It's just a picture of her, Dad.

I gotta get back to work. Let's get this over with. Over with, yes, like my

marriage.

No, Ethan, I can't put amber fudge paint all over your mother's face.

Look at her, just as beautiful as the day I met her.

And always so perky and put together.

Every day of her life.

Even with that dykey makeover, she's still the knockout.

That's sweet.

Why don't you tell her that?

No, I can't tell her. I've blown it, Ethan.

My whole life has turned to amber fudge.

Well, then do something about it.

Like what? Like stand out in the yard with a boombox over my head playing some

sappy love song? No.

That's not the Jarluski way.

Jarluski blood is stoic blood.

Okay, I give up.

You won't talk to Mom, I'll do it.

I gotta tell her I'm moving anyway.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. You finished already? Two coat?

Not quite. I'm going to talk some sense into Mom. You coming?

This place is crawling with lesbians.

I'll drive.

Yeah, I thought so.

Oh, girl.

You have such good hands.

Oh, it fell on the wrist, really.

Oh, freedom.

This room holds so many memories. Gosh, Greg chipped his tooth on that corner

right there when he was six.

Ethan was conceived right on that dining room table.

Well, it seems like this is a place where great energies converge, resulting

momentous changes.

Your scrubbing action is very efficient.

It's all in the wrist.

Hmm.

The ghost in the machine.

Congratulations.

Why don't we get that prototype up and running to show Mr. Parrish just what

can do?

You know, that code you showed me inspired me. What do you say we do this

together?

We will do it together.

I mean in the flesh.

You still don't believe that I'm artificial intelligence?

Build my code and download it into a freestanding storage device.

The hug machine?

Exactly. If it can understand a person's needs enough to hug them with the

appropriate level of pressure, you'll prove it has independent thought.

So if you're such a hotshot, let's see you surprise everyone with the world's

first interactive hugging experience.

A challenge?

I like it.

And a deal.

I'll provide you with the code. You keep that a secret.

You're on.

Hello, lady.

Hi.

Outstanding.

Oh, that didn't leave a mark.

Greg, Ethan.

I am a modern woman, unafraid of investigating new modes of being, and if

a crime, well, then guilty.

I'm going to leave you to talk to your son.

Be strong.

Boy.

Dad is a disaster, and he can't stay in my apartment forever because I'm moving.

What do you mean you're moving?

J -Pod's been dissolved.

I'm transferring to the Neotronic offices in San Francisco.

Oh.

Well, I guess we're all on new paths.

And my new name is Jar Jar.

What? Yes.

By cutting my married name in half, I am negating male dominance in my life. And

by repeating the jar again, I am canceling the previous jar. And because

this, I am free.

Mom, you're not calling yourself Jar Jar. Uh -uh. No.

Oh.

Isn't this such a typical male reaction for a woman discovering her freedom?

Fine. This is not about you or your new alternative lifestyle.

Alternative?

Ethan, is this...

All I am to you now?

A label? How did you get from Jar Jar to me labeling you? I am not a lesbian,

Ethan. Then what were you doing with that chick a minute ago, huh?

Freedom is a deep, lovely person who gets me.

Understand?

Tell your father that.

Way to go. Nice one, dumbass.

I can't wait to get this nappy strip going.

I'm going to go see if there's any hot Lisbo action in my old bedroom.

What are you doing, cowboy?

I'm hacking my hard drive. And by that, I actually don't mean masturbation.

Why?

Artificial intelligence, my friend. If I can pull off this AI prototype, you

will be looking at the new head of the Neotronic Arts Artificial Intelligence

Research and Development Division.

Nice. Yeah.

I got some good news. I got transferred to Noogle.

And I got... Girl fighter.

Yeah. Wow.

That's great, guys.

I got this for John Doe.

The leg?

Thanks, Ethan.

That's a cowboy.

Thought you could use a hand with your new project there.

Oh, I get it.

It's a pun.

What about me?

Three.

Ah, yes.

What?

Oh, Ethan, thank you.

Hey, guys, check out my new gig.

Meet Baby Cloris.

She's my favorite toy doll of all time.

Baby Cloris, Baby Cloris, Baby Cloris, don't stop her.

I started a family while I'm still young.

Now you can, too.

Some assembly required.

She has a magic button, and when you push it, she giggles.

Neutronic is making a game out of the Baby Chloris franchise, and I'm going to

be the team leader.

Guys, what's wrong with Baby Chloris?

It's a good gig and all, it's just that there's no gore.

Gore. And what's the point of making video games if you can't have carnage?

I hadn't really thought of that.

Well, here.

This should help tide you over.

Ethan.

Hold this. Yeah.

You're so sweet.

And so graphic.

And so subtle.

So, Ethan, what's the occasion?

Parting gifts.

I'm, uh, taking that job in San Francisco.

Are you?

Really? Wow.

Yeah.

When do you go?

I don't know.

I have a meet and greet with Team Clores in ten minutes, and I still have to get

snacks.

Good luck Thanks

You too

Jim

buddy

What's wrong?

She's gone, Cam.

I turn my back for one minute and my wife switches teams.

I want Carol back, Cam.

By any means necessary.

For you, this will be done.

Thank you, Team Cloris. This is going to be the best video game Neutronic Arts

has ever produced.

Yes. All right.

Oh, we've still got a few minutes, so why don't you, you know, mingle and get

know each other?

Oh, everything is low -fat.

I have not been this excited since I worked on the interactive Barbie website

Mattel. Yes, the Mattel.

Oh, really?

I should not be eating this.

I just got back together with my ex -boyfriend.

Let's go, everyone.

The gore whores are here.

What's wrong with gore?

What's right with it?

Hey.

Hey.

You know her?

Hey, Gordina.

Yeah, my passport's up to date.

Wow, that quickly.

No, yeah, that's great. Thank you.

Bye.

Are you Freedom?

Yes. Who are you?

No.

I'm, uh...

Hey,

you're Noogle?

I'm Noogle.

Hey, uh, John Doe. Nice to meet you guys.

What's with that?

Oh, a present from a friend.

It's, uh, realistic.

Jim, I regret to inform you that I have failed.

I hang my head in shame.

Oh, Ken.

Well, you're a good buddy. At least you tried.

That is it, Jim.

I did not try.

Carol needs time for Carol.

No kidnapping.

No re -education.

Just the warmth and kindness of her wonderful new friends.

Cam, if I didn't know you better, I'd say you were a lesbian.

In our own way, Jim, aren't we all lesbians?

Maybe if you were a little more understanding of Carol's needs, she

more willing to return to you.

Cam, I'm gonna go get my girl back.

Hello, Peanut.

Good to see you too, Dutchie.

I came to see Carol. Where is she?

She's gone out.

We packed all your stuff up.

Wait here.

I expect this is what you came for.

No, actually, I didn't come for that at all.

Really? From what I understand, this is the only thing you care about.

What's Carol been telling you? She doesn't need to tell me anything.

You've drunk yourself into some tiny little space that Carol's not even

to visit anymore.

Five years ago, I was just like Carol. I doubt that.

I know how the drill works, penis.

You never do anything.

You expect to be waited on hand and foot. And the minute that Carol left

your whole world just collapsed around you, didn't it?

Well, I expect that you and your good buddies here got a lot of catching up to

do.

Tell Carol I came by.

Hey, guys, what are you doing here?

My co -workers are bitchy. They fight more than the avatars in the game.

Everyone at Noogle is gorophobic.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God, they're all insane.

Oh, you've been to Girlfighter? No, my baby Clora's staff. All they ever talk

about are crash diets, ex -boyfriends when they're not bragging about their

jobs.

I was never that bad, was I?

Whatever. I really miss you guys.

I miss unbridled gore.

Oh, gore.

Guess what I found on my computer when I was burning files.

What? Come on.

Is that... Yep. It's my first NA gore sequence.

Oh, that's adorable.

Guys, you know what we could do? We should assemble all the gore sequences

a little movie.

A little movie we can call... Gore Quest.

Yeah.

Then,

you know what we should do?

We should hack it into Larry Parrish's board meeting.

Yes.

Yes, it'll be like the bucket of blood falling on Carrie.

You realize this will probably get us fired, right?

So? Considering where we are right now, is that such a bad thing?

Let's do it.

Yeah.

Cam, you wanted to see me?

I want to give you this most humble gift basket.

Okay. Why?

For being so good to our mutual friend, Carol.

You are very kind.

Oh, thank you.

A cordless chainsaw?

With an 18 -volt battery and an 8 -inch blade.

Perfect for small cutting jobs around the house. So versatile.

So green.

Uh -huh.

And, uh, an assortment of wholesome dried legumes?

Unlabeled. Because what is a label if not a tiny judgment?

Yes.

Nacho chips.

Organic salsa.

Fair trade coffee beans.

Finally, a gift basket attuned to my lifestyle. Where did you get this?

I have a small operation that prepares lifestyle -oriented gift baskets.

The profit margin is crazy, but I have trouble with staffing.

This is a business that I could run out of my commune.

Would you do me the honor of joining me in the Get Back to

Business?

Almost got Corquest through the firewall.

Hurry up, cowboy. I don't want you to miss my last hack of the Neutronic Arts

employee.

I'm coming, I'm coming.

Oh, Jim.

When I wrote that all the club soda in the world couldn't take the stains out

our marriage, I was wrong.

A little elbow grease could have made it work.

If only you'd tried.

Hi, Dutchie. I'm sure I'm doing something wrong, but I'd appreciate it

rate me later.

My husband's name was Alan.

He quit his job to pursue a music career.

I was a frightened suburban housewife.

But I remember the good times, Carol, and not just the bad.

I miss being young.

I miss my old body.

My hair.

I had copper -colored hair.

I miss Alan.

Well, have you tried to call him?

He died in a tragic speedboat accident.

That was three years ago.

But I just found out last month.

Oh,

um...

Jim dropped by. He was looking for you.

I tried to make him take his booze, and he refused.

He refused?

Would you excuse me? I have an errand to run.

Readers, I curse for a sob story.

Welcome. Welcome.

Please, have a seat, have a seat.

Very exciting day for us.

Well, for you here in the room, and those of you watching at Neotronic Arts

facilities around the globe via webcast, I'm proud to give you all a taste of

our new properties here at Neotronic Arts.

Girlfighter, Noogle, and Baby Chloris, the game.

And now, a preview of what's to come.

Am I glad to see you. I was over the house looking for you.

I know.

Is that a real book you're reading?

Turns out the scarecrow had a brain. He just didn't know how to use it.

And so, not drunk?

Not drunk.

No, I've been doing a lot of thinking.

About what?

About what I would have to do to win you back?

What's that?

Whatever it takes.

One last game of Defendoid before the axe falls.

We'll be right up.

Unless Larry has us thrown out of the building right away.

Huh.

What we did was smart.

Hey, my mom always said if you have to go down, go down to the wing.

So if we all get back, what are you going to do?

I'm going to sleep for a month.

You? I don't know.

Something good.

Hopefully, uh, something with you.

You know, we're not going to have that crappy staff conduct policy hanging over

our heads.

I have another present for you.

Better than the heart?

Give it to her.

Better hurry, mister, or Cowboy's monster is going to steal me away from

Yes, I think.

How do you mean?

Hey, you.

What

happened?

I hope she went crazy on us. Is she okay? I've got 911 on speed dial.

Her heart's still beating. It's still breathing.

Ambulance.

Caitlin! Caitlin!

I'm not responding to anything.

Oh my god guys, I think she's gone into a coma.

Alright, we need an ambulance.

We need to try to cart.

Don't mean it, don't talk Just cause you got a rocking horse Don't mean you

can't rock No one can send me a bill Don't mean I'm gonna pay

You can send me a piano Don't mean I'm gonna play

I heard you call through a broken

window Trumpets clinging from miles

The day I turn to glass.