Original subtitles

Previously on J -Pod.

Bordeck is as dead as Steve Lefkowitz.

Neotronic is going to release Sprite Quest in its place.

Cowboy, I'm maybe not the guy to ask for advice from the romance department.

You mean you're a... Shh!

Tell one person I'll hack your credit rating back into the Dark Ages.

See you soon, son.

I think it's time you left, Kevin.

What the hell did you do that for, lady?

What? I am...

Hurry! Invites for each of you, courtesy of Carol Jarlowski.

She asked me to mention that to decrease her carbon footprint, she made these

out of recycled paper.

Ethan is a pleasure to teach and a joy to have in class.

She's my report cards?

You get a P -plus in gym? Dude.

The occasion?

The Jarlowski annual chuck shot.

Firearms will be involved.

Oh, I'm there.

What exactly is an annual chuck shot?

It's a celebration in honor of my late maternal grandfather, Sergeant Chuck

Ryan, formerly of the police department.

He was a huge firearms enthusiast, and once a year in his memory, we pull out

his disturbingly large weapons collection and re -experience the joy of

cans of soup and melons, and we fire off one shotgun shell of chuck shot.

Don't you mean buck shot?

No, chuck shot.

As in my grandfather's ashes, which have been loaded into shotgun shells.

Another random, jaypot -ish thing I have yet to experience.

Why do we get the honors now?

It's the 20th and last shell. My mom wants a proper audience this year.

Well, I, for one, am curious to learn what it is about this occasion that so

consistently bums you out.

What are you talking about? Every year around Chuckshot, you get mopey, and

year it gets worse.

We got work to do.

You know, this is actually to give me some idea how I'd like to stage my own

memorial. Cowboy, do you seriously still think that you're about to die any day

now? Yes.

But before I do, I'm looking forward to the thrill of weapons abuse.

Can't wait to see what you can do with a gun, Caitlin.

After all.

Yes?

Well, you are American.

Oh, look at you. What a busy morning.

Uh -oh, eh?

Cream of mushroom again? No, no. Can't we have the tomato? It's so much more

realistic. You be the one out there the morning after trying to hose off

encrusted tomato soup from the camellia shrub. Jim, non -acidic soups rinse

right off.

So until you're up for 7 a .m. cleanup duty, cream of mushroom gets my vote.

Mushroom it is.

Wait a minute. What's this?

That's not a honeydew. I like shooting honeydews.

I know.

But don't you think they look more head shape?

Your father would be proud.

You'll pay for shooting me, lady.

Oh, yeah, you'll pay.

Become easy.

Yes, you were easy, weren't you, you saucy little mink?

You know, there's no five -second rule to deleting porn files, cowboy. Once

they're gone, they're gone.

All part of the new path, Brie.

You know, my test -up vision changed my life.

Okay.

Now, I get that that bottle of cough syrup told you to get your passport

because you're going to go somewhere to die, but telling you to toss your porn?

Now that's pooky.

What I'm doing is I'm cleaning house emotionally so I can face the end with a

zen mind. And all this attachment to the physical world is trashable, including

my fan -fitted player's profile.

Hold up, hold up.

Check out number eight, John Doe.

Look at the feedback quotes.

Between those bland bay sheets lies a true master of the oral arts.

The sexual Vasco da Gama of South of the Border Exploration.

His tongue should be insured by Lloyd's of London?

Oh, yeah.

Trust me, it's not him.

And don't go ask, because you'll just embarrass the poor guy. Yeah, as if.

Hey, look, if you take one more step towards John Doe, I'll tell everyone

the time you snarded in front of David Beckham when he toured through mocap.

You wouldn't sneeze, fart, snort, Beckham.

That

is

a bit harsh.

What is the catapult's motivation for the stoning?

The catapult's motivation is that the past few weeks have been nothing but

and disappearance and disasters for me.

Right.

Now I get it.

Hey, there's my girl.

Kevin.

What are you doing here?

I was bored, so I figured I'd come down and surprise her for lunch.

Oh, great.

I'll catch up with you later.

Enjoy your lunch. Yeah, so gonna.

Okay, let's go.

Definitely a surprise.

Yeah, hey, Saturday. I'm doing that second unit two for Smallville for that

scene. Yeah, it's going to be good. I'm playing the role of Thumbsucker number

three. It'll be a little bit late. Get into your place. I have a plan.

Work. Plan.

And I can't get out of them.

Sorry.

But we can see each other Sunday.

Yeah, sure, Sunday.

Oh, here we are.

I got a new recipe this year.

Beer on the butt duck.

That handsome young British chef from the television.

He said it's a trendy new way to tenderize chicken, and I figured, well,

works for chicken, why not duck?

You know, Carol, I've been giving it a lot of thought this year, and I'm

wondering how I'm possibly going to be able to shoot enough ducks to feed our

family of four, plus Ethan and his friends from work.

Why don't we just barbecue some burgers?

Jim, you know what my father's will explicitly stipulates. Section 14,

F. You have to source and shoot an animal in the wild to provide meat for

chuck shot.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That's the rum and Gatorade talking.

I have a hankering for the hunt.

You are my little Elmer's flood.

Yeah, I can.

Jim here.

How was your lunch?

Not much better than yours.

Did you know that the glue that holds the label to the top of that contains

dioxins and hormones?

You're getting breath and cancer all in one meal.

Well, at least I have that to look forward to.

Ethan, what is going on?

For everyone else, this is an occasion to celebrate my grandfather.

It's different for me.

For starters, I was there on the day he died.

I'm Sergeant Chuck Ryan of the police department.

I'm also Ethan's grandfather.

I'm here today to demonstrate fun with gun safety.

Guns do not kill people.

Bullets kill people.

This is called the hammer.

Never pull the hammer back unless you intend to fire.

The cylinder.

Never spin the cylinder when you're not sure how many bullets you have in the

chambers.

And for the love of all things holy, never do this.

Scared you, didn't I?

See? It's not even loaded.

He was two hours away from retirement.

What a way to go.

Death by overhead light fixture.

So instead of visiting a grave, we have shotgun shells that are... gone.

And this year's my last chance to spend some quality time with what remains of

him before my mother blasts them into the stratosphere.

And then that's it?

That's so...

Final? Yeah.

Fred! Yeah, Mr.

Jarlowski!

Has it really been a year already? It has indeed.

Good to see you, Fred. Say hello to Cam Fong.

Cam, this is Fred. He takes care of all my fresh kill needs.

It is so true.

We all need someone to supply our fresh kill needs.

Got your order right here. Okay, see what you came up with. What do you

Here, this is yours.

That's what we're looking for. Oh, it's been a good day, hasn't it, camp?

All right, this calls for a celebration.

Ducks Unlimited.

Come on. I'm going to be joking. What? What an idiot.

Missive from the evil overlord Alistair.

Greetings from TechCon 17.

Rumors abound of a rival game going head -to -head against SpriteQuest. I need

the prototype by end of next week.

Get cranking, losers.

That's going to take like a thousand man hours.

Game development is like pregnancy. You can't just throw money at it to speed

things up. It happens at its own pace.

The prototype is mostly gore. I'll come in over the weekend and get a good chunk

of it done so we can deliver by Friday. What about the chuck shot?

I'm going.

Don't worry.

I have to.

I've got to say goodbye to my grandpa.

Do I want the challenge?

Mom.

Ethan, do you think your brother would prefer rice or potatoes for dinner?

Why don't you call him?

Oh, I never bother Greg with something so trivial.

Mom, I'm kind of busy. I've got to finish this work thing so I can get

time. Ethan, I cannot even believe what I am hearing. You had better not be

late, mister.

Guess.

Coming!

I hope I have enough food for tonight, Jim.

I was only expecting eight guests.

Well, there'll be plenty to go around. You'll notice I shot enough ducts for

of our guests.

Coincidence? I think not.

Jim, I find it slightly more than coincidental that you're denying it's

coincidental.

I hope I don't have to defrost some pot pies for Mr. Fong.

Please, call me Cam.

Besides, you went and invited Ethan's friends. I think it's only fair I can

invite one of my own.

You know, every year I've got to go on this hunt to prove my manhood. As if

paying off my own mortgage and raising two strapping young lads weren't enough.

So this year I invite my good friend Cam Fong to come along. He deserves to suck

duck as much as anybody.

Get in here, you little bugger.

Perhaps the two of you would like to take frozen pot pies to Mr. Fong and

them there.

It would give me no greater pleasure than to host Jim Jarlowski.

Unfortunately, I have not yet found a home worthy of such an auspicious

occasion.

However, top sales agent and number one son, Greg Jarlowski, is on it.

Working on a Saturday, too, I see.

How's the gore coming along?

Surprisingly well, thanks.

What are you doing in on a Saturday?

Like I can never leave.

The work never stops.

I'd invite you down for a break so we can finally meet, but I have to finish

this up.

My grandfather's final memorial this afternoon, and I shouldn't be late.

Final memorial?

What happens after that?

I guess everyone will just move on. I hope I never do.

You won't, if you have something of his to remember him by.

Yeah, you're right.

What about when people go missing, like Steve?

How do you properly mourn someone when there's no body?

The body is everything.

Uh, Bebet, I gotta go. Sorry.

What are you doing here?

What?

Oh, Ethan, I can read you like the June 2005 InStyle magazine that lives in my

bathroom. You're just working on the prototype to stall going to the chuck

Actually, your timing is good.

I'm heading over right now.

You are?

Of course I am.

Are you coming?

Yeah.

Caitlin just texted her and Ethan are on their way.

Would you know, does she have any family medical histories?

Schizophrenia, hemophilia, left -handedness?

None that we know of.

Joy, I might finally get to use that hideous jungle gym in the backyard.

I keep it out there to give me hope.

Oh, what beautiful flowers. Bree, come and keep me company in the kitchen while

I put these in a box.

You know, when I was young, we used to have a jungle jine.

A jungle jine?

No, it was a jungle gym built to mimic the structures of the female plumbing

reproductive system.

I spent so many hours on that thing, I'm practically a gynecologist now.

Gave me an intimate, caring, and responsive attitude to the needs and

of a woman's naughty bits.

That is you on the Vancity Players list, isn't it?

Well, not to brag, but yeah.

Oh, really? And when exactly were you going to share the details of the

defiring? I thought we were tight, bro. We are, but I still haven't... Shh, shh,

shh. Pickle?

Hmm, okay.

All of you.

Mom!

Geek. Got you.

Gregory, only your father and divorcee in South America drink this early in the

afternoon. And Selmac agents who didn't make top salesmen this month.

Greg, I am so sorry.

Beta blocker.

Anxiety.

Well... A little gunplay is sure to cure your spirits. Your father's out in the

backyard right now with that friend of yours, Mr. Cam Fong. I'm sure they've

the target set up. Go ahead.

We won't wait for Ethan.

Good call, Mom.

Yeah, suck it, Melon. Who's the man?

That's right.

Nice shot, son.

Ever used one of these before?

Everyone thinks I'm a pacifist because I grew up in a commune. That place was

armed like a bunker.

Really? My teen years resembled life with David Koresh and the Branch

So, ladies first?

Oh, such chivalry.

And I'm glad to know that you think ladies should come first.

Ah, semi -auto, huh? You need any instruction there, little lady?

Yeah.

My father always used to say that two things a man should keep clean, his gun

and his conscience.

Of course, I had underwear and bedclothes to that list.

And teeth.

Teeth are very important.

My father's a wise man.

You know, I had a vision from my dead father the other day.

My mother, too. A vision?

How unusual.

What was it about?

It was kind of harsh.

He said that I was going to die soon.

And I don't know when or where, but he said that I need my passport.

Oh, you young people, you think you'll never die, and then you always get so

corny about your death.

Find a nice girl, have a few kids, and then one day you'll have grandchildren,

and once again your life will have genuine meaning.

Wow, it's like New Year's back there.

Don't you parents need a permit to shoot guns?

Well, much like my apartment building, all the houses in this neighborhood are

owned by offshore Chinese industrialists.

You got it.

Yeah, you could blow up a car here and the cops would never know about it.

I might just take you up on that.

Do it.

Shall we?

Howdy, boy.

Poor thing, my ass.

Sorry. This has been here so long, I keep forgetting it's a thing.

Caitlin, my mother has a grow -up. It's medicinal grade.

Wow.

This is so much more organized than the meth lab. My mother ran out of her

bathtub.

Good. So you're okay with it.

Shouldn't we be getting outside?

Just a sec.

Other than my grandfather's ashes, there's only one difference between this

shotgun shell and a chuck shot.

This uses alloy, while that chuck shot uses lead, which, when ingested by

results in death.

So, by swapping this with the chuck shot, I'm not only preserving the last

vestiges of my grandfather, I'm also saving little birds.

Nice try.

You're putting a band -aid on a chest wound, Ethan. This is not about the

shotgun shell.

You're right.

It's about me trusting you with the truth.

Thank you.

I'm glad you're here.

It was otherwise going to be a pretty crappy day.

Well, I'm glad I could come.

Kevin's kind of been taking up all of my free time lately, so... It's nice to...

Well, you know.

You? Kevin?

Hello, my love.

Uh, what are you, uh, doing here? You're supposed to be at Smallville.

Wrapped early.

The real question is, what happened to your work thing?

Funny that, uh, the work thing kind of turned into a, uh, Jarlowski family get

-together thing.

Yeah, yeah, and it's a, uh, private Jarlowski thing, so... Another guest,

We wouldn't dream of turning away a guest.

Sure we would. Ethan!

You'll have to excuse Ethan's manners.

Please, come in.

Dinner is served.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Jalewski.

To

my

father.

Chuck Ryan, a hard -nosed man who loved his weapons.

And his family.

And especially his grandson, Ethan.

Ethan.

Cheers to Mr.

Ryan. Cheers.

You know, my three other grandparents loved Nemo.

Majority rules.

Fikiro's father.

A man who loved to take shots at deer and people alike.

Crabs didn't shoot at anything, that guy.

And you.

Last time I saw you, you picked a fight with my son. Who invited you?

Cam. Exactly.

Are you that strange clown fellow who ruined Ethan's cola party?

Yeah. And I'm also Caitlin's boyfriend.

I never had duck before. What?

What?

Just watching.

So, you're here. I'm here.

What was your third wish?

Excuse me?

Yeah.

Genie, rubbing the lantern.

Of course, you could just rub me if you wanted that third wish to come true.

Ethan told me you only like older women. Why are you hitting on me?

Oh, dear Lord.

I look like an older woman?

Oh, man, this reminds me of the Christmas Eve dinner we had before my

murder -suicide.

Except it was turkey.

Why don't we just get this ritual over with? I agree.

Let's fire off that final shot. Yes, let's shoot guns.

Fine. Good idea.

Brand name cleaner.

Hey, man, here's what you do.

Oh, Dad, Dad.

Nothing. Give it to me. No, wait, wait. Come on. Let it go, you cake.

No!

Carol.

May I offer my limo for those who are too ambivalent to drive?

Nobody's going anywhere.

We came here to celebrate a man's life, and we're damn well going to celebrate

it.

Caustic, mean -spirited bastard though he was.

Chuck Ryan fathered my wife, and I'm toasting that.

Rum and Gatorade all around.

I will pour. Yeah.

Most inspiring, Jim.

Hey. I'm sorry you had to see any of this.

My family's a disaster.

At least when Grampy Chuck was alive, I had someone fun to hang out with at

family dinners.

He used to show me crime scene photos.

Really gross stuff like bridge jumpers and javelin miscalculations, backfired

hazing rituals.

That's how I got my fascination with gore.

So now you can see why it's kind of hard for me to just give this up.

Even letting go does not mean giving up.

I used to work as a Walmart breeder near where I grew up in Florida.

And one day this couple came up to me.

Long story short.

They offered to pay me about $5 ,000 to have their child.

I needed the money to escape my life, so I agreed.

You really did have a kid.

Yeah.

On the day he was born, I had to give him up.

I don't even know his name.

Nine months, you carried him, and then that's it.

Caitlin, that's brutal.

It was the deal.

I knew what I was getting myself into.

You and your grandfather have a deal.

Only instead of nine months, you've been carrying it around for 20 years.

You have to let it go.

You have to let him go or it's going to eat at you forever.

I, uh... I'm going to go inside. There's something I have to do.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Vroom, vroom.

If I can't slow this thing down, it might explode.

No, no, no, no, no.

Listen, it's charades, okay? You can't talk. Plus, any good actor knows that

mine for driving is ten and two.

Do you feel that? If those are the roles you want, yeah. You look like you were

milking a cow.

Maybe that's where I was going.

Kevin, can we go outside for a second?

Yeah? Yeah, go.

Okay.

A movie.

One word.

One word.

Match. Good.

Oh, okay, okay. A movie.

Yeah. One word. One word.

Your parents are dead?

Yeah, my dad shot my mother and then shot himself.

It's Christmas.

That was ten.

Ah.

Christmas.

It makes everything twice as sad.

Families, man.

My brother.

Number one son of number one wife.

He just opened his 500th massage parlor in southern China.

His biggest competitor was my father.

So he tried to have my father killed.

Wow.

Couldn't he just offer better service and competitive pricing?

One would think so.

Huh.

And did anyone learn anything from that experience?

The only real lesson is to put as much money as you possibly can in weapons

development and medical technologies.

The rest of life is just a great big sprinkle of energy.

Sound of music.

Caligula. Thank you. That was it. Brilliant.

I've seen it six times. I don't understand how Ethan's grandfather's

you realize that you had to let go of us. It doesn't make any sense.

Um, okay.

Do you remember that Journey t -shirt that you loved, but you kept forgetting

wash it inside out so the iron -on kept fading to the point where you couldn't

see Steve Perry's face anymore?

You're comparing us to a Journey t -shirt, Caitlin?

Come on, we're so much more than that.

I'm going to need a second.

See if you can follow this charade and scray.

Jim, where's the love?

It's obviously not here, so blow, loser.

You all right, pretty lady?

Thank you. Thank you, Mr. Jarlowski.

Mom, can I talk to you for a second?

Ethan, I don't like you to see me like this. I didn't think to wear waterproof

mascara today.

I don't care what you look like.

I have the chuck shot.

The real one.

What were you thinking?

Swapping the shells seemed like a good idea.

But it's time to let Grampy Chuck go.

Ethan, you are the smart one.

Just a quick mascara touch -up and...

You and I are going to finish this right.

All right, John Doe, slay us with your charade styling.

All right.

Let's see what I can come up with here.

Are you Van City players, John Doe?

The man with the golden tongue who threatens my position on the player

Let's go raid Ethan's bedroom for incriminating evidence of a nerdy

Come on.

Okay,

I got one.

You saved him.

You should shoot him.

Hey, we've never wavered from tradition in 19 years.

Why start now?

You shoot him, Mom.

What the... Oh, dear.

Where Dwight?

You know him.

Why does that not surprise me?

Well, he's just a business acquaintance. I don't even know his last name.

Well, he's got a gun. We can say it was self -defense.

Ethan, by the time the police arrive, we could have buried him across five

different construction sites.

We're going to bury a body again, aren't we?

If you approach each task with an upbeat attitude, it doesn't seem like such a

chore.

What?

Relax, both of you.

It was just me playing with my new laser keychain.

Cat love it.

What is this?

This isn't what it looks like. This is a recently shot dead body in your yard.

What else could it possibly be?

And I suppose you would like me to help you dispose of it.

Man, Cam, that would be fantastic if you... One condition.

Carol Jarlowski, would you do me the honor of sharing your recipe for the

and butt duck?

It was most delicious.

Well, it was a success, wasn't it?

Great. So, about the body... You must think of a place to put him.

It's so difficult to find a dependable spot to bury bodies in this city.

I think I know just the spot.

I'm going to go ask Greg if that house is still for sale up in the mountain.

Mom, keep the rest of them up inside.

It will fit most well in the trunk of my limo.

A little help?

No.

It is your burden.

Do you want to come and help me in the kitchen just for a sec?

You still upset?

No, I have much more important things to worry about, like you losing your top

salesman status.

Mom, real estate bubble burst.

I need globalization.

Oh, Greg, perk up. And really, nobody hates globalization. That would be like

hating chocolate or puppies.

Um, tell me.

How many times did you sell that house over in the British properties? You

the one that you flipped twice in the same day during a snowstorm?

In the end, four times.

It's actually for sale again right now.

Is it a house worthy of hosting a party to which I might invite your father?

Cam, my man, this house has five. Kind of five bathrooms.

I can pull up a picture on the Internet. Nonsense.

Who can I trust if not the number one son of Jim Jalewski?

Draw up the paperwork.

The house is now sold.

Done.

You blushed when Cam Fong called you on the Vancity player thing. That is you up

there, isn't it? You are the sexual Vasco da Gama of South of the

Border Exploration.

Guilty.

So, why did Cowboy tell me I was going to embarrass you if I confronted you

about it?

What is so embarrassing about being on the player's side?

The thing is, I have no problem getting to third base.

I've yet to knock one out of the park.

Really?

Well, every time I get around to it, I hear my mother's voice.

Chanting the chorus for the power of vulva.

Vulva good, phallus bad. We have vulvas, we are glad.

Remembering that is like spraying the room with penis softener.

It's okay.

It's not like the women I'm with miss it or anything.

Make up for it in other ways.

Oh.

You mean all these years I've wasted looking at you as an asexual platonic

friend.

Bree, this is a bridge that once crossed can't be uncrossed.

If we get to the other side, okay, we have to break it.

Well, normally I'd never fool around with a co -worker.

Now that I know this about you, I'm willing to make an exception.

Do you have any altoids?

Easy peasy, Japanesey. Oh, Cam, I can't believe you bought a new house just to

help me get rid of a body.

I would have it no other way.

My men will have him buried in my new yard by sunrise.

Well, just for your generosity, and for not telling Jim about any of this,

I'm going to make my famous pavlova next Sunday.

Food of the gods.

So, if we're done here, I'm gonna head...

Crampy

Chuck's Crime Scene Scrapbook.

Evening wouldn't be complete without this trip down memory lane.

You know, you'll always have this scrapbook to remind you of the man who

you the most.

Can you find the finger, Ethan?

Ooh.

There?

There and there.

You know, I want you to have this.

Put it downstairs with the rest of your things.

And take away some boxes tonight, too, darling.

Well, I guess I'll, uh, go death bus the backyard so the neighborhood birds

don't get lead poisoning eating the chuck shots.

Where did you disappear to?

My mom and I had to get rid of a dead guy. You know, usual stuff.

How is everything here?

I dumped Kevin.

I mean, your dad helped, too.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I am now.

And I was thinking that maybe after the phase of Sprite Quest,

Next weekend, you and I could, uh... Yeah.

Yeah.

Will you excuse me for one second?

Sorry, I'll be right back.

Dad, I think we're in trouble. I don't know what Steve's PDA would be doing in

the basement.

How do you know what this is?

That doesn't prove anything.

You?

Why do you have Steve's PDA?

Shh, you want the whole neighborhood to hear? Your mother might be listening.

Steve was getting out of hand. Something had to be done.

I don't believe you.

If you're going to kill a man and fake his suicide, at least have the sense to

throw away his PDA.

Who's talking about killing anybody?

What universe are you living in, Ethan?

You know, I just wanted to have him kidnapped.

Stephen Lefkowitz is not in pain or in any trouble.

Dad, kidnapping Steve is wrong on about 18 different levels.

What about his son, Connor?

Don't you think he misses his father?

Okay, um, since we've lost Steve, we've had to work on this crappy Sprite Quest

game instead of Board X.

All those voices you recorded, they've been dumped.

What? Yeah, yeah, but we can fix all this if we get Steve back.

Cam, will you take me to Steve, please?

He's in China.

What is Steve doing in China?

Himalayan cuddling retreat.

You know, maybe you ought to go over there and bring Steve back. By saving

Steve, you'd be saving my speaking part in Bordak.

Well, I don't have any money to go to China.

I can put you on a China Airlines flight tonight.

China? Cool.

Can I go too?

Of course.

It will make you think of life and death in fresh and exciting ways.

Yeah.

I'm ready.

but these are fingers.

All done.

The birds are safe.

I don't know how to love.

I'll take her home after midnight.

And if she dies, I'll tell her lies.

I will be in love by the morning.

I don't think she will know that I'm sane.