Original subtitles

Previously on J -Pod. Carol, I think I found my new condo.

It's right above Ethan's. Could you believe that? We'd be just like a

How interesting.

The number three viral clip on Earth.

When I look into your eyes, I see the woman I loved.

Come back.

I need you.

Twice.

Some major devil weed you got here. Kevin is a feeder.

A feeder? Someone who gets off overfeeding loved ones in the hopes

rendered unattractive to the rest of the population.

Is that it?

Wands are nature's flagship of monogamy.

Loyally devoted and fiercely protective of each other. Wands so strong that only

death can break them.

Don't even step up, E. The whole world wide web saw your drunken declaration of

puppy love.

I don't know that she did. Come on, it's time to begin the human mating ritual.

Your official first date.

Oh, and since it's Caitlin, may I just, um, a white trash evening at the Roller

Derby? No, no, no, no.

A dozen shocked oysters, some dirty martinis, then back to her place for

creme brulee.

Crustacean, libation, penetration.

Too suave.

Surf and turf, then a DVD rental featuring Meg Ryan and a perky roll.

Thanks for the tips guys, but I will ask her out and I will make my own plan.

Oh my god

Tragedy was averted tonight after a fire here at Shirley House nearly claimed

the lives of three terminally ill children.

But thanks to the heroic acts of Kevin Jacoby, regional clownsworthy spokesman

for Shirley Burger, the children were pulled from the flames so they could

out the rest of their short lives.

Kevin, a hero? I'm phoning hell. I want my snowball back. I realized one

thing.

That I let the love of my life, Caitlin, walk away from me twice.

And if I'm lucky enough to get a third chance, I won't blow it.

Caitlin, call me.

Please. Well, if my name was Caitlin, I'd be speed dialing the hero hotline

right now.

I guess that's one way to get a date.

As of today, Turley Burger has renamed their breakfast bun the Breakfast of

Heroes.

After Kevin.

And they're free!

Turley's hasn't given away anything since their ill -fated 1992 drive -thru

coffee giveaway.

It came to a sudden end when a woman scorched her crotch with piping hot

Crotch is in hot coffee, only one thing to me. Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas,

hose, blow, and insane stunt bonuses.

Hot coffee!

Hot coffee!

What are you guys talking about?

Galen, hot coffee is a euphemism for sex. It was a secret mini -game coded

the real game. Players with the right downloaded mod could have up to six

girlfriends and basically plow the daylight set of them in between crime

And yes, Felicia was involved.

That's legal?

Yes, but it got them re -rated as an adult -only 18 -plus game, which in the

short term was a disaster, but in the long term they shipped over 800 ,000

units.

Guys, a hidden fleas level is exactly what Bored X needs.

Yes! Steve made us introduce the world's fuckiest character ever with Dwight the

Turtle. Our revenge would be a concealed fleas village that'll make Amsterdam

look like Amish country. Ethan, corporate would never let that happen.

It'll be hidden.

Is it so wrong to have a dream?

So now that you're handing out his buns, does this mean that Kevin is forgiven?

I think this whole fire hero thing has opened his eyes.

He seems to have a new perspective.

Gather around, Posters.

Posters, gather around. I want you to meet my son, Connor.

Connor, this is my J -Pod idea lab.

Huh? What do you think? Are they a bunch of go -getters or what?

Yeah, Dad, sure.

They're on fire.

Connor, where's that Connor spirit?

Whoever you people are, just smile and nod, and we'll get this thing over with.

Here. Breakfast of heroes.

Cool. I'm Caitlin.

Caitlin has been clowns with Caitlin.

That clown rocks.

So you're that chick he was talking about on TV.

Connor. Yeah, maybe he was talking about me.

Hey, Connor, what is your favorite game?

Playing my mom against my dad? Okay.

If I can get the guilt just right, I can score a major total.

Okay, Connor.

Shut it, okay? There you go again.

Do you think the improbable?

Do you have any idea how bad that is for me?

Man, my strength's going to make a meal out of this one.

His mom, my ex, has had a bit of an emergency, and so I get an extra custody

with the little...

Tell her.

Listen, I've got a meeting in one hour and I can't make it. I need one of you

sit in for me. It's a meet and greet with a former employee by the name of

Alistair Parrish. Whoa!

The Alistair Parrish? That's the one. Meanie, meanie, miney, even.

Would you take one for the team? Represent me?

Come in, Steve.

I knew I could count on you. Okay, posture. Okay.

Okay. Listen, posture's back to work. I get to spend the day with my son.

Good luck with that.

I need to find you little green guys a home.

But where?

Now's not a good time, Mom.

Ethan, here's just that little problem.

You help me solve. I've been out of the biker loop. Hey, honey. I need to

reconnect and drum up business.

Hey, hey.

Look what I got for free.

Your father brought us some of those free hero muffins.

Yeah, I know all about them, Mom. Yay, free.

Ethan, you dangled the word free in front of somebody over 50. It's like

dangling a bloody beef carcass in front of a great white shark.

Mom, I gotta go. I've got an important meeting with Neotronic Arts executives.

You're gonna have to ask Dad to help you peddle your wares.

Honestly, Ethan, if it weren't for your big meeting, I'd be very disappointed in

you.

Honey? Huh?

I need you to come to a biker house with me in Maple Ridge.

Really?

That's like the fake smiling down on us. I just booked a part next week in a

bike -sploitation picture. I can research my character.

Jim, this is just what those awful hippies would call destiny.

What happened to your deep distrust of all things corporate?

I thought meetings were your kryptonite. A man's got to do what a man's got to

do. At least he gets to meet Alistair Parrish.

What's the big deal about that guy, anyway? Back in August of 2001, Alistair

used to work here at N .A., and he unveiled the most astonishing flight

simulator game engine ever that also, most unfortunately, involved flying jets

into office towers.

After September 11th, the U .S. government seized the core programming

Alistair's game engine, and when word got out about it... A class -action

lawsuit was filed against him by the 9 -11 victims' spouses and survivors.

Then, while shopping for motherboards in Seattle, Alistair was ambushed and

taken to Guantanamo.

The guy is a living legend.

Because of Alistair, I quit Yale to fight the good fight for quality coding.

Hi,

Kevin.

Uh, yeah. I'll be there in 15 minutes.

Thank you, Dennett, for your report on extreme curling.

It's gonna kill.

Take that, Shuffleboard.

Ethan Jarlowski, how about an update on Bordax?

Absolutely, sir.

What I have... Sorry I'm late for my first day back at Neotronic.

I was up all night with torture flashbacks again.

It's electrodes this time.

Everyone, this is my cousin, Alistair Parrish.

Alistair is the new VP in charge of something yet to be determined.

Ethan here was just about to give us an update on Vordex.

How's the turtle character coming along?

Uh... Well, Larry, the moment we introduced the turtle,

Vordex lost edge.

Really? Do you have any ideas on how you might relocate this thing you call

edge? The turtle character will alienate players over 13.

So I suggest we incorporate a hidden adult content level into the game.

Something dangerous, trashy, and sexy.

Like hot coffee. What does hot coffee have to do with video games?

Hot coffee is a minigame embedded within 2004's smash hit Grand Theft Auto San

Andreas. Players with the access code could enter what was basically a private

sex club.

Meaning?

Meaning cocktails, friskiness, and in some extreme cases...

Salacious.

Controversial, but man, did it sell.

It's true. Rumor has it that the executives at Rockstar Games all got

Aston Martin.

Really?

So what Board X needs is a red light district where our older players can

between levels of non -stop skateboard carnage.

You're onto something here, Ethan. Now, how do we get this minigame going?

Well, sir, J -Pod is fully equipped with the resources.

Bree, our mo -caf expert, is a lifestyle specialist.

John Doe is a master of environments.

Cowboy is hands down the most talented coder in the building.

The most talented coder in the building.

Really?

You could all take a lesson from this bright young man.

Ethan, I'm giving the green light to your red light district.

Meeting adjourned.

Excellent idea.

Mr.

Jarliski. Oh, um...

Please, call me Ethan.

I've got a good feeling about you, Ethan.

Why don't you join our executive luncheon tomorrow?

I think you should be spending more time with the senior management.

Oh, thank you, Larry.

Please, call me Mr. Parrish.

Ethan, I'd like you to introduce me to this cowboy character.

Honey, look, it's Clownsworthy.

Oh, man, I can't believe everybody's recognizing me, and not just because I'm

corporate spokesclown. What a whirlwind.

I'm really happy for you, Kevin.

Thanks, Caitlin. I mean, listen, without you, I'd just be a lonely hero.

I just don't think that we should rush into anything.

A lot has changed since we were together. No, no, no. Listen, I've

I used to be selfish and insecure.

This isn't about you being interested in somebody else, is it?

I'm going to get my autograph.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Clownsworthy, out of my way.

Man. It's my boy, alpha male in training.

Clownsworthy, this is so cool.

The hero and his biatch.

Connor, you watch your mouth.

Yeah, but that's what you call mom.

Excuse me, but there's a distinct difference between a biatch and a bitch.

You know, one is a term of endearment used by poor people, and bitch is

basically a soul -sucking vampire that happens to be your mother.

Chuckle, chuckle!

Chuckle!

Steve, I hope you don't mind that I stepped out of the office.

No worries, Caitlin, no worries. Just to see my son smile makes it all worth it.

I wish there was a game with clowns within it, and then I'd have a bit of

happiness in my life.

May I present, straight from Guantanamo after seven years of wrongful

confinement, Mr. Alistair Parrish.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

You must be Cowboy, best coder in the building, I hear.

Well, not anymore now that you're here.

Hey, let me show you around.

Cool. So how'd your big meeting go? It was

all right. Pitched him the hot coffee idea.

You didn't.

I did.

And?

We're on.

Yay!

You know, this is going to be a tremendous

opportunity for a method actor.

I think about how Steve McQueen of me, I get to have a biker experience, and

that informs my character.

Help me in this.

What's this?

Hi.

I'm Carol.

This is my husband, Jim.

And you must be Lyle.

What do you want?

I'm in the same business as you.

And I have some tough grade product back in my home nursery. And I was wondering

if I could interest you in placing an order.

You for real?

This is a great look, by the way. And why would I buy anything from Olivia

Newton -John and some narc?

You know I have the talent to be a biker, dude.

I think you're going to make a fearsome biker, honey.

And Carol Jalewski does not give up that easily.

I have a plan.

You're going to give out samples like at Costco, right?

Oh, Jim.

That's what I love about you. You really get me.

It's crazy how far graphics have come in the last seven years, huh?

Tremendous, man. The feel, the gameplay.

Games have come a long way.

It sure ain't 2001, dude.

Gone are the days when a fresh young internet promised all the free,

unregulated, oxycontinent and large members people were dumb enough to pay

So what else has changed?

Not just in gays, but in the world.

Well, computers are a bit faster, and for the first time in history, thanks to

the internet, straight people are having way more sex than gay people.

What about the human race? How has society evolved in the last seven years?

Well, there's now a fear that never leaves, and people are starting to

that nobody's really in charge of anything anymore.

Predictable.

Yes, sir, the J -Pod paracommando team is working on it.

Well, I look forward to seeing you at lunch tomorrow, too.

All right.

I look forward to seeing you at lunch tomorrow, too.

Dude, lunch with corporate?

What's with all the sucking up?

Hey, well, it's my sucking up that got our little red light project into

official development.

Maybe I am executive material after all.

Good afternoon, guys.

Caitlin, we've got some red makeup.

So I guess that means the clown is okay.

Yeah.

Well, I think he might finally be growing up.

Everybody's got to grow up sometime.

I'm going to bow.

Catch you guys on the flip.

Night.

Ethan, thanks again for covering for me yesterday.

You know, you made quite the impression with your Bordex hidden level idea. Wow.

I'll tell you, Ethan, you have the initiative. You just needed a bit of a

Wow. Well, I've got J -Pod in crash production mode preparing a mock -up to

present.

Delegating tasks.

Yet another executive decision.

You are my protege.

I, Stephen Lefkowitz, shall pass along my wisdom to the next generation.

I look forward to it.

The power of now, Ethan.

The power of now.

Rule number one, any time you go into a meeting, always sit with your back

facing the window so that you're backlit by the sun. That way, all anybody sees

is your silhouette creating a primal sense of being godlike. Number two,

answer a question by repeating the question.

It gives you extra time to answer it, right? And number three, any time you

an email, always sign it dictated but not read. That way people think that

you're the secretary.

Yeah, well, thanks for the tip, Steve.

Oh, you're going to need a sport coat for the luncheon.

Try this on.

Oh, no, no, I couldn't. I insist.

The sport coat, Ethan, is the symbol.

Of executive prowess.

Sharp. Real sharp. I'm proud of him.

And I'm sure your mother, who hasn't returned my calls in almost four days,

would be proud of you, too.

Right. Well, thanks again, Steve.

Okay.

I'll see you in a bit. Okey -dokey.

This is the first bouquet that isn't made of balloons that I've ever got.

You are my hero. Love, Kevin.

Not gonna let you ruin this for me.

Whoa, check out the duds. What's with the dad jacket?

Executive luncheon dress code.

Saucy.

That is a very grown -up jacket.

Thank you.

Just thought I'd drop in before I head up to the executive lunch, which I will

be heading to now.

I may even have a scotch.

Or two.

Good luck.

Thank you.

They don't really drink scotch up there, do they?

It's like Ethan spent his whole life in coach and has been suddenly upgraded to

business.

Oh, Jim, I just love your wardrobe.

You look so brooding and lost.

That's the way we bikers feel, Dad.

Now it's Heather Locklear and Tough Daddy.

Here's a free sample.

It's top -notch chronic, and there's a lot more where this delectable little

treat came from.

All right, girl.

I'll taste your treat.

I'll let you know if I'm interested.

Good! Uh, my number's in the basket.

I know, overboard, but I like my notes to have a certain grace.

And don't call between 8 and 9 o 'clock.

That's when Kicked in the Nuts is on.

Of the show.

You people are so whacked.

Bam.

Rendering is over 100 times faster than in 2001.

That's amazing.

What's amazing is me being here with one of the best coders in the world.

Your flight simulator's game engine was flawless, even with advancements in the

process and simulations that aren't nearly as authentic.

If I had the last seven years to develop my theories, imagine where gaming could

be now.

How was I supposed to know they'd fly jets into towers for real?

I was just making a game.

Well, now we have a chance to rebuild.

Cheers. Mr.

Karalewski.

Steve's told me great things about you, Ethan, and I've seen you perform

firsthand.

We have a big meeting this afternoon with a huge corporate brand we're hoping

design a game for.

Cool. What's the breadth?

It's confidential.

Game poachers from Moss and Martz have been snooping around.

Awesome art. This is the Milli Vanilli of the gaming world. I've done all the

heavy prep work for the pitch.

I'll give you a chance to watch and learn, prototype.

Thanks. I won't let you down.

Oh, and, uh, Ethan.

Mammy, Vice, look.

It's okay for lunch, but you might want to step it up for the pitch meeting.

Thanks,

Steve.

Honey?

Hold your thumbs up for me, will you? I want to share something with you, just

like you're giving me the thumbs up sign.

I want to feel the throbbing hug between my knees.

Oh, honestly.

I don't even want to ask.

That's the biker handshake.

That's very clever.

Macho, honey.

Ethan, that's your dress suit. Who died?

No one died, Mom. Relax.

I just needed to dust off my suit for a big pitch meeting.

I think I'm being groomed to be an executive at Neotronic Arts.

I hope you know what you're getting into. The executive lifestyle can be

risky. You know it almost ruined your father. Hey, young man needs to learn

these things for himself.

Steve.

No, I'm at my folks' place.

Yeah, she's right here. Hang on.

Actually, my parents are in the middle of something.

No, not that.

Yeah, yeah.

Going with your son to a shrink is very important.

Okay.

Bye.

So what was that all about?

Steve wants me to cover for him at the big pitch meeting.

Oh, Ethan.

You know, I am proud of you.

Making your living as a hot shot in the world of high technology.

It's almost like selling real estate, but not quite.

Thanks, Mom.

Gotta go.

See you, Dad.

I simply can't remember the millions of algorithms for my game engine, and the U

.S. government seized all the files, so, you know, all I have is this.

I've written down everything I can remember, including these new

This represents a whole new approach to physics.

No way.

Yeah.

It's like the Rosetta Stone of gaming.

Bet you never thought you could compute that in log -in time.

But I still need the graphic programming, and it's going to take me

up to speed.

But with what you have here, combined with my brain power and superior graphic

coding skills, we could update your source code to today's standards and

your game engine.

Only better.

I'm going to hook it up for you, bro. Just give me a little time, right?

And how could I forget your Uncle Gary's off the crack pipe and under the Lord

party?

Yeah, the first time we went to Florida to visit your family.

We made out in that public bathroom almost the whole time.

Yeah, you tasted like barbecue.

Ah,

the memories.

Not memories, Caitlin. History.

We've got it. The future, too.

I hope.

I just need to know that you're going to stick with me because of me and not

because I'm some famous hero.

I'll stick with you no matter what.

Okay? Okay, so after my big meeting today, I've got a commercial shoot for

Charlie Breakfast of Heroes fund. It's going to be amazing. Starring me.

I've never been so busy.

You know, it would mean a lot to me if, you know, you could come by and just

support me.

You know?

Yeah, I'll definitely be there.

Charcoal.

Alcohol. Alcohol.

Well,

don't you look like a confident industry professional.

Handsome. Thank you.

I've got a big... Big meeting?

You know about the pitch meeting?

Of course I do.

Kevin's really excited.

Be nice to him.

Ethan! Come on in and meet the Charlie Burger executive team. Everyone, Ethan

Jarlowski. Hello, everyone.

And meet the man who needs no introduction, our hero, Clownsworthy.

Hey there, Ethan.

Hello, Kevin.

I had to get Phil in for Steed, and I left this for you.

Make it happen.

Team, we're thrilled to have Charlie Burger's heroic spokesclown with us here

today.

Ethan!

What kind of game were you thinking of to enhance the Shirley brand?

What kind of game would enhance Shirley brand?

What an excellent question.

How about a Pac -Man style burger eating game?

Retro 8 -bit graphics and gameplay seamlessly downloaded into a billion

consoles, CPUs, and mobile phones.

Wow, I mean, that's a great idea.

For 1985.

We're thinking more a PlayStation or a Xbox high -res game in which I,

Clownsworthy, run around the town performing heroic feats.

And I was thinking I'd do the voiceover for the animatic sequences.

Clownsworthy the game, voiced by our hero himself.

Ethan?

Okay.

Players will control a clowns -worthy proxy in dangerous situations, such as a

burning Shirley house where he saves helpless sick children, as well as the

president's stem cells, or a basket of trained Navy SEAL kittens.

That's what I'm talking about, Dad!

Well, let's get this puppy into the pipeline.

Neutronic Arts and Shirley Burgers are officially in bed.

So, Ethan, looks like you and I'll be spending a little more time together.

Oh, yeah, Caitlin and I are back together.

Oh, that makes you a lucky guy on both counts.

Right on.

Hello.

Lyle, I had a taste of your sample. I think I'm ready for the full meal deal.

Oh, Lyle, I'm so glad you enjoyed it.

I take great pride in my product. You can never go too heavy on the phosphates

or potassium.

Let's start with a kilo.

When can you deliver?

I can be there this afternoon.

Done.

Slow down there, cowboy.

You wouldn't want to crack and fail to live up to your hero's expectations now,

would you?

Okay. What is the deal with him and that orange powder anyway?

It's aerospace -grade orange -flavored breakfast crystals left over from the

Apollo space missions. He got addicted to it at Gitmo.

U .S. government shipped in freight loads of leftover tubs of this stuff

NASA.

Makes him feel safe.

Right. So we sent Skater Dude on an odyssey of hookers and blow.

Now we need a catchy title for the module.

I caught coffee.

I got it.

Ford Triple S.

So simple.

So elegant. I know.

I sent it to render.

Do it.

You were fantastic in here, Ethan.

Thank you, sir.

I did my best. Well, your best just landed as a co -branded game franchise.

I want to repurpose J -Pod and get you guys working full -time on Clownsworthy

the game.

Wait, and put Vortex on hold?

One door closes, another one opens.

I want to make you the corporate liaison with a truly exec.

It's a big step up towards your becoming an executive here at Neotronic Arts.

I know you won't let us down.

We're counting on you.

Other than that news interview, I haven't been on camera since my moon

I'm really nervous.

Kevin, relax.

You're going to be great.

Hey, you're a hero now, remember?

Everyone loves you.

Well, as long as you're one of those everyone's. He's strong.

Well, whoops. You know how my nerves give me a plastic colon.

I'm on to change.

What the hell did you do that for, lady?

Dwight, I am... My purse fell.

How do you know my name?

How do you know his name?

I can't wait to see how Bored XXX goes over with corporate.

I just hope they can get past the fact that it's a bunch of rough shapes and

backgrounds for the time being. Exactly. I always have such a tough time

imagining the final product from a rough cut.

Donald Trump.

What's the latest from upstairs?

Oh, uh... Cross -branding ventures and think tanks.

Motivational seminars, that kind of thing.

How's, uh, how's Sin City?

Johnny Bebat and I came up with a kick -ass demo.

Get a skater dude skating down a scummy alley in the sleaziest part of town.

And then he scores dope and hookers from a pimped out Dwight the Turtle.

Can't wait to see it.

Behold, a new source code that is the key to updating Alec Grisby.

Did that just happen?

The hell are you up to, dude?

Well, you've rejuvenated my code, and now I will augment it to revamp my game

engine. You had me over all your code just so you could steal it and delete it

off my hard drive? I embedded an algorithm that would clear out the code

was burned to disk, and you didn't even see it coming. Why screw me over, dude?

My graphic skills were a little rusty, and you brought me up to speed, so now

I'm the best coder in the building.

Nice to think of you as a hero.

You know, you can keep the damn code.

Thieving poser.

Hey, baby bro.

I made the news down in California?

All right.

I know, I know I'm famous. It's crazy.

Yeah, I didn't even intend to save those cancer kids.

The little brats latched onto me when I ran back in to get my cell phone. They

wouldn't let go.

Presto hero.

I know, and the truly executives are eating out of my palm. Those buttwipes

would sell their own kidneys to flog their toxic mad cow burgers.

I know.

Check it out. They're making me hero of my own video game.

Bro, can you believe it?

I'm on fire.

Yes, and Caitlin did call me, and I think we're getting back together. I've

the fame and the girl I always wanted. I mean...

Troy could be happier.

For once in my life, nothing can go wrong.

Hey, Pete.

Everything okay?

I just had a bit of a rough shrink session with Connor.

Heard you killed him at the pitch meeting today, huh?

Actually, Steve, I was on my way to go talk to Larry about that.

Mr. Parrish.

I just don't think I can work on a corporate marketing ploy disguised as a

game.

My heart and soul are in Bore -X, and J -Pod's where I belong.

He lost a job because of the whole clowns over there fiasco.

Fiasco? Yeah, yeah, Larry just got off the phone with the Charlie people, and

apparently he never actually intended on saving any kids.

Guys were walking Bermuda Triangle.

Listen, you get on back to J -Pod and you get cracking on good old Bordex. I

need my idea lab more than ever.

You got it, Steve. Thanks.

You're a real hero in there today, Ethan.

And I'm happy that my knowledge helped you to be that.

I only hope that maybe one day I can have that with my son.

I can start over with a woman.

Steve.

I'm all right.

You know what? I think I just need a little bit of Steve time. I'm going to

for a drive.

It wasn't an accident, Dwight. I'm very sorry.

Stop it, lady!

How the hell do you know my name?

Alas, you scratch.

How do you know Dwight?

Well, he used to abide for me, but it's been a while.

Disaster, Megan.

First gets jumped in Somalia in Gastown in his last decade, knocked out of his

head, and then you shoot him in the foot.

And like the lady said, it was an accident. Could have happened to

Wrong time, wrong place, I guess.

Yeah, I'm on the real roll lately.

Now, listen, since you obviously have some connection to Dwight, I'm still in

for that kilo.

Now, take the money and get on out of here before somebody else gets shot.

Pleasure doing business with you, Lyle. Now, if you would just give me my nickel

-plated semi -automatic pistol, Jim and I will be on our way.

No, it was a gift from my late father, and I'm going to have to insist it's

special.

Guns can be special.

Can't be sugar tits. I'll take that gun.

Sugar tits.

I screwed it all up, Caitlin.

Chuckled my last buckle. What do you mean you didn't really rescue those

Why do you gotta be stickler for details, okay? Those three kids are

now because of me. Kevin, you went inside to rescue your cell phone, not

terminally ill children.

I just paid for a complete new set of Scooby -Doo ringtones.

Yeah, you know, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. The results speak for

themselves. That?

That is so shallow, it's profound.

Shallow?

Okay, you know what? You used to carry little baggies of powdered bleach around

with you to sprinkle on your food so that you wouldn't eat everything on your

plate. Yeah, well, you were into nipple torture. And you sold our cat to a

cosmetics testing lab. Yeah, he was going to die anyway.

Yeah, plus, how about the time you used to stuff your face with paper towels to

trick your body into burning calories, digesting cellulose? You know what? I

would not have had to do any of those things if you hadn't fattened me up to

point where I almost broke out into a sweat just walking to the fridge.

You know what? You didn't ever have to do any of that crazy diet crap in the

first place. I mean, I accepted you for who you were, muffin top and all.

Just like how you accepted me and all my flaws.

We have history, Caitlin.

We have a mad, disastrous history that most people would run from in fear.

I mean, I know all about your family and, you know, your weakness for frozen

Charlie pastry products and your secrets, all your secrets. And I just,

I mean, I'm still here. And I'm sticking by you no matter what.

Just like how you promised me that you'd stick by me no matter what.

Yeah, I did.

I'm going to go buy more supplies now that I've got a regular customer.

You've got to spend money to make money. That's right.

Supply and demand.

And, Jim, don't think I don't appreciate how you whisked me away back there.

You're my hero, Jim Jarlowski.

Don't you forget it.

Lady and gentlemen, may I present Board Triple X.

Yeah. Nice.

Yeah, all right. That is great. Nice work, guys. I rocked.

Hey, it's beer 30.

Who wants to hit the mill? Oh, I'm in. Yeah. Lead the way.

I'm going to hang back with you. I'll catch up with you. Peace out. See ya.

ya.

If you need a friend.

Don't look to a stranger.

You know in the end.

I'll always be there.

And when you're in doubt.

And when you're in danger.

Take a look all around.

I'll always be there.

Oh! Hey, Jim.

Hey, Steve.

Um, I apologize for interrupting your afternoon, Jim.

But, well, you see, Jim, I need your wife.

I need Carol, Jim.

I'm in love with her.

And I'm going to take her with me.

You know, I'm going to ask you to just stay there for a second.

Yeah, Cam, it's Jim.

I think I need a favor.

No, I don't have another stalker, but Carol doubted it.

I'm sorry to hear about what happened with Kevin.

Him losing his job and all.

Yeah.

He's taking it pretty hard.

But he'll bounce back.

It's nice to have a good friend around when you need one.

Kevin and I go way back.

I'm gonna go grab that beer.

I would love to come, but I've been out of the office a lot lately, so I should

really catch up on some work.

Another time?

Another time.

Things are gonna get worse.

And I know you can trust me.

I know.

And then I'll say things get better.

But I wouldn't know.

Things are going to get much, much worse.

And you can trust me, darling, I know.

And they'll say things like, are you feeling better? Well, I'm not.

And you, you'd know.

But just when you're getting back up, you just kick some feet

and then it's back down to the bottom again. You can't get

no.

No, no,

no, no.

These things are going to get much, much worse.

Then if things don't get worse, then you say I told you so.

Well, I'll stick to my guns. I said I'm having no fun.

I thought I'd call, so you know.