Original subtitles

Morning, Bree.

Hey. Hey, buddy.

Ready for your introduction video?

Oh, guaranteed the new boss guy's never even going to watch this. Ethan, relax.

Any idea what Steve wants to hear from us? Just sparkle for the camera, big

Right. Sparkle.

Um, hi.

I'm Ethan Jarlowski.

I work here in the J -Pod as the gore specialist.

Mmm.

Basically, I find new ways of inserting carnage and violence in video games

while conforming to quality codes. Dude, that's so boring.

Talk about, uh, your love life.

I'm not talking about my love life.

My favorite room temperature is... This is pretty good. Cowboy, what are we at

now? 21 .7 degrees Celsius.

I think that's 71 degrees Fahrenheit.

I hate metric. I don't want to talk about it. Talk about your love life.

Okay, my love life.

Uh, I've had my heart broken twice.

And lately, I've been wondering if there is even such a thing as the one.

And that scares me.

And that's enough of that.

Happy, cowboy?

So yeah, Steve, that's me.

I look forward to serving your vision.

We here at J -Pod are a go -getting bunch.

All right.

Watch out, Ethan. I'm on your ass. Oh, I'm so scared, Bree.

Oh, you better be scared.

Why, hello!

It's a school bus full of helpless telephone children stuck in a railway

crossing. Look out! We're gonna die!

Yes! That's 300 points for insanity bonus. Thank you.

Thank you.

You started playing Death Race and you didn't wait for me?

John Doe, you brought extra buttery popcorn into an enclosed space with poor

ventilation? Are you out of your mind? The photo on the box made it look so

tasty. You know the drill.

Do we have to? Yes, we do.

Rule's a rule.

I feel ridiculous with a popcorn bag, Doctor. You should have thought of that

before you tainted our work environment.

I'm going to take it off.

We'll be the judge of when that bag comes off, Butter Monkey. Until then,

shunned.

It's our new boss.

He's with Gordina from HR.

Yes, he is with Gordina.

Tell you, Dwight, this new system we installed is producing some killer haul.

Yeah, I got your coin right here.

Yeah, you'll see in an hour.

Yeah, later.

Is it really that good?

We never see this quality in a startup.

I wasn't past president of the North Vancouver Alpine Gardening Club for

nothing. Why, look at this.

Oh, come on.

Meet the dude.

I named him after Jeff Bridges and the Big Lebowski.

Shaggy, gruff, lovable, and not for sale.

He's the crowning glory of my genetic theories.

If anything can beat the 30 % THC benchmark, it'll be this scrumptious

fellow. And how is my little dootsy -wootsy?

So I got to be a plant to get a kiss around here?

No, Tim.

Don't be naughty.

Wow. I mean, the vibe down here is great.

I mean, this is a young energy. It's hip. It's cool. It's like being in the

center of the planet.

We're so far down, my ears are like popping.

Wow.

Greetings, pots.

I'd like you all to meet Stephen Lefkowitz.

He is the new vice president in charge of vision, and he will be overseeing

Vice president. Whoa, look out. Better behave.

Hi, Stephen.

I'm Caitlin.

Well, you're clearly a special bunch.

I love special.

Potts?

Yes. J -Pod. J -Pod is a freakish netherworld within Neotronic Arts. It is

product of the Y2K computer glitch which caused random employees with the J

surname to be assigned to the satellite basement offices.

This pod hence, J -Pod.

And you're developing the... Board X game, sir. Board X, right, right.

Right, that's what... Board X is a hip, edgy, quirky game. Ethan, run the clip.

Okay.

It's a third -person, medium -scale sandbox world comprised of suburban

malls, libraries, subdivisions.

Players are challenged while boarding in a consequence -free environment,

combining the comforts of home with a gritty and dangerous urban edge.

How would we survive without marketing buzzwords?

I'm sorry, I haven't called you back. Oh, so, Stephen, I'm going to return to

the surface of the planet and leave you with your new family. Okay, enjoy.

Steve, let me give you a taste right here.

The environment background textures are all temp.

We're early in the development, but you get the idea.

I love it.

I do. I love it. I absolutely love it. And the fact that we put the letter X at

the end of the game's name, I mean, that makes the game immediately way more

cooler than if we hadn't have put the X there. That's great.

I mean, X is way cooler than, I mean, you wouldn't, you know, H. No,

H wouldn't be good. Board H is not. But X is good.

Well, I'll tell you, I didn't turn Monrovia chocolates around inside of

that are exploding. The town's at least a few of those around me. I can tell

this team has what it takes.

Thank you, Steve. That's why I want to turn J -Pot into my own personal idea

lab.

What do you mean, idea lab?

Together we can take Bored X to the top. We just need a bit more enchantment,

more magic.

Magic. What we need is a talking animal.

A buddy.

Steve, Bored X is four months into development. It's too late for a talking

buddy. I hear you, Nathan.

Ethan. Ethan.

Kids today, they don't want to play alone.

Actually, they kind of do.

So then we kind of change that, right? We give that lonely gamer a friend.

Someone he can share his laughter with, his sorrows, his quest. No, no, no. This

is a skateboard game. It's a good game. We like it.

What kind of animal?

Well, I'm thinking turtle.

Turtle? Shut up.

I think it's a good idea.

Yes, let's try that. Or we cannot try it. Or we do.

Come on, Carol. I may not be top -notch chronic, but I'm bushy and ripe, and you

know I can make your head spin.

Now, Tim, that is very flattering, but let's just stick to business. Ah, but I

do mean business. Tim, stop.

Well, then I guess we better talk hush money.

You came with someone narked on your little setup.

Oh, is that your game?

Name your number.

Fifty.

Thousand? Percent.

Tim, Tim, I have worked far too hard to ever let anything like that happen.

You are going to give something up before we leave this basement.

So as you can see, Steve, this is no world for a talking turtle, is it?

This is a world of extreme pain and difficult lessons learned at expense.

gang, gang. Gang, all this negative talk.

It's killing my creative spark. So here's the deal. My son Connor loves

Therefore, my first Neotronic arts release will have a lovable shelled

on the cover. It'll set us back months.

Ethan, now that I'm here, we don't hit a single pitch until we know it's going

to be a home run. We're not yet out of the park yet on this one, buddy.

You guys put together your self -introductory videos for me. It helps me

know you a little better. Everybody's doing it.

Yes, sir, we're on it.

Yes.

Almost done.

Turtle pitches, one hour. Remember, spunk, birth, joy, achievement.

I can't believe he just did that.

Let's go dig up some dirt on this guy.

All right.

Stephen Lefkowitz.

Dude, check this out. This guy's a hugger.

What? Look at that. He's on the board of a cuddling club.

Oh, man, that is thick.

I thought I recognized him.

What do you mean you recognized him?

I just knew I'd seen him before.

Tim, keep your distance. We are business people first and foremost.

Come on!

Dwight!

Yeah, I'm still with Carol.

Yeah, I got a problem. She won't give me everything I want, and I'm not leaving

here until...

Tim! Hey, Tim, you still there?

Oh. Tim, what are you doing?

Howdy, new boss guy.

I'm Cowboy, short for Cancer Cowboy, which actually refers to the Marlboro

cowboy who died of lung cancer.

Yeah, my father called me the Cancer Cowboy to stop me from smoking, which

failed. Bad.

Because these days, nothing makes me happier than a mentholated filter

Langley.

And I smoke them right here, using the massive J -Pod air intake system.

I'm a core -level programmer. I dropped out of Yale to work at this place

because the money's great, and it's the only place in town where you can smoke

your brains out and download porn.

And write code.

Oh, my favorite room temperature.

A toasty...

23 degrees Celsius, which means I sometimes have to work shirtless.

But with what I got, who wouldn't?

See, the human body is meant to be shared.

In fact, I think I'm going to strip it for you right now.

There's no slow -mo on that cam there.

Someone would have to take it nice and easy for you.

Just tease it out, Steve.

Oh, yeah, just like that. You get it right inside like that. Oh, you like

Oh, Steve.

Oh, Steve.

Steve.

Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve. Steve.

Steve.

That was a tortoise or different.

Mom? Hello, dear.

Turtles are found near water and tortoises are found on dry land.

Can I help you? Please. I need to see my son, Ethan. He hasn't been answering

his cell phone. Mom, how did you get past security?

Those sweetie pies?

Join us, please.

Mrs... Carol.

Carol.

Steve. And... Please.

Please, we need an outside eye.

Well, I guess I have a few. I insist.

We were just introducing a new talking turtle buddy into your son's new game.

Well, finally, something wholesome.

Honestly, Stephen, we didn't raise him with restricted television privileges

just so he could develop a disturbing interest in carnage.

So, Carol, if you were a turtle in this game, what would you do? What?

I ride on my back like a skateboard.

Genius.

Mom, put a turtle on its back, it dies.

Good point.

Kara?

Well, if he was a skater, he probably enjoys spraying dreadful graffiti

everywhere.

Why doesn't he spray paint clues on a show? Only you can never read the crap

they write. So, your hero has to...

Find special mirrors to decode the messages.

That's what I'm talking about.

See? Not only did Carol think outside of the box, she didn't even know one

exists.

Caitlin. Yeah? I want sketches of our turtle buddy dressed all edgy, like...

Poor people.

Spray painting inspirational messages like use drugs responsibly kind of

John Doe. Sir, redo all the backgrounds, every single one of them. I want

reflective surfaces everywhere.

Brie. Oh, God. Research turtle movement.

Find your own inner turtle.

Speaking of which, Egan, find out if turtles bleed, but go easy on the gore.

only want our guy to scuff any tops. Gang, I only get the chance to make my

first game.

Once.

I smell a winner. I really do. It's my popcorn, sir.

What are you doing here? Honey, I need a little help.

You put a death trap in your own house?

Darling, I'm not raising miniature ponies down here. I never thought I'd

actually use it.

You're dead.

It was an accident.

No, no, no, no, no.

That's the only Destructor 3 cap in the entire country.

I won that down at the E3 conference.

It made you look like a preemie baby anyway. Come on. Let's get at him.

Give me that head. Give me that head.

I think I'm going to be sick.

Come on, Ethan. You're the court specialist. Doesn't the internet toughen

at all?

Look on the bright side. All that snow makes a moving thing a little...

Video games aren't real. This is a real, live, dead body. You think I don't know

that? He was looking into my eyes when he died. Just glad he's not punctured or

leaky or anything.

No. Oh, yes, Ethan, I know it's horrible.

I killed a man in that basement.

Looked very bad to your father and far worse to the police.

Your brother tried to never be so namby -pamby.

Namby -pamby?

So then get him to be your accomplice. I tried. He's closing a pent -up sale in

Coal Harbor.

Yeah? Then how do we pull this particular deal?

Trust me, I have a plan.

Hi, I'm John Doe, which, as of last week, is my true and legal

name.

Got it.

I was born Juniper with a small J because my mom's a scary hippie lesbian.

I spent my whole life overcompensating for my freakish communal upbringing by

being as statistically normal as possible.

Moving on. The lesbian karaoke song that I dread the most is the chanting

classic, The Power of Vulva.

Reminds me of my youth in all the wrong ways.

My area of expertise here at Neotronic Arts is background, tree, sky, dark.

That's where I'm most comfortable.

Great. You don't want me to say anything more?

Well, the carpet's a good idea, but why'd you make them throw in a stack of

National Geographic's?

Relevant.

Yeah,

but you just finally dumped ours last year.

And I've been sick about it ever since.

John Doe?

Mm -hmm?

Uh... Your shunning is officially over.

You're free.

Cowboy, what are you doing?

Playing sacrilege.

I don't even want to act.

Easy. Get a virtual 10 grand and buy the scariest stuff you can online.

I'm in hell.

You okay?

Yeah.

Right over there.

There. Right here.

Here. You know?

You

should

be... You should be fine in there for a good long time.

It's, um... It's kind of you to give me your hat, dear.

I have to get to work.

Right. Me too.

Ethan. Thank you, son.

Okay, any time.

Hi, I'm Bree. That's short for Brianna Marie Jang.

I'm 28 and I have major control issues. Chinese upbringing.

I'm a motion capture expert, which means that I take perfect little moments and

I imprison them on my hard drive forever and...

Ever. Well, what do you got there, Bree?

I've been lurking on an auction for a while, and it's almost over.

And what's it for?

It's kind of naughty.

How naughty?

Well, I'm bidding on a new black leather bullwhip, and in three seconds, we'll

see if I beat Tough Daddy 69.

Three, two, one.

Yeah.

I'm victorious.

So, John Doe, would you like to get whipped?

Here we go.

Ethan!

I'm in love.

What?

Yeah, well, this girl started measuring my inseam, and, well, one thing led to

another, so...

Dad, now's not a good time to chew the fat.

Mom's here.

I don't care. Who knows?

Is that your father? I want to talk to him about dinner.

She's incredible, Ethan.

Thighs like a gazelle. She's got lips like honey.

Ask him if he's okay with a turkey loaf instead of breast loaf.

I'm telling you, she's a mechanical bull in the sack.

My thighs are bruised like a crate of plums.

They say the loaf's trans -fattier, but I'm told it's tastier. Dad, let's talk

later. Bye.

Loaf's okay?

Looks great, Mom.

Looks great.

Cowboy, ambiguously gay Muppet characters, 12 letters.

Bert and Ernie.

John Doe, tasty treat, 5 letters.

Snack. Do you guys ever work?

Actress Mary Tyler Blank.

Actress? How many letters?

Five. Clark.

Mary Tyler Clark.

More.

Uh, no, it's not more, but it does start with M.

Mouth, munch, muffy, moppy.

Guys, it is more.

Mary Tyler Moore.

Crosswords.

I've got one.

Hmm. Seven letters.

Prisoner J -Pod starts with a K.

Prisoner?

Not for long.

Nice. How hard is it to do it?

Can you get him now, please?

Yes.

They are crazy.

Okay, I can't do this. If you don't like J -Pod's level of professionalism,

then... Right at the bar.

Oh, Gordina.

I want to make great games. Okay, put me anywhere else in Neutronic and I will

go there.

There's the football franchise.

Extreme ping pong or educational games.

Coffee's up.

Is it Caitlin behind you? Caitlin, no. Why?

Oh, buddy, come on. The old keyboard swap?

Why not just pull on her pigtail? It's merely a hazing ritual.

Coffee.

Anybody here actually Googled Caitlin yet?

No, I thought you did.

I thought you did.

You mean nobody did?

Caitlin?

Joy?

Click on the I'm feeling lucky button. No, nobody does that.

I'm feeling lucky.

Okay.

Meet Caitlin Joyce.

A Jupiter, Florida tech worker who could put off today and do it until tomorrow.

The results.

254 pounds of self -loathing. I was eating myself to death.

Something had to change.

That's why I'm so lucky that I discovered the sandwich underground

After eating just one selection daily from a wide variety of nutritionally

balanced sandwich and sandwich -type products, I went, well... That, Ethan,

major problemo on the home front. I need you now.

I'm at work. I'm talking crisis, son. How can you be so selfish?

You made me an underground loser.

Does it diminish your supercapacity

to love?

This is your crisis?

I know.

Is she fine or what?

And Ethan, please don't get all judgmental on me here.

Dad, that's Ellen Steele. I went to high school with her.

Really? Yeah.

I was hoping she'd be younger than you.

Why? I don't know. It's just, it's hotter.

Not that it matters. I think Ellen might be the one. You are the husband of my

mother. You're my dad.

Ellen Steele, from my algebra class, is not the one.

She wasn't even popular.

I was too popular.

You were not.

I was too.

I'm going to prove it.

I'm going to do the popular dance.

Why did you bring her here? I needed to get my Pilates mat.

She stole it. She ate the dude.

Mom's dude downstairs?

Yeah, she nuked it in the microwave.

That bad boy went down steaming. Oh, man, you are totally screwed.

I am.

Doesn't feed a hate.

Doesn't exhibit your... Go!

Check this out.

Heatland High School yearbook is online.

Prom queen?

Hardly. What you got, boy?

Modern mothers.

Motherhood is a natural and good thing, so to all 23 of Jupiter High's junior

class who opted out of school and into the mommy track, we salute you.

Knowledge can wait, but babies need you now.

Oh, my God. Caitlin was a fat teen mother dropout.

That girl's like a walking trash magnet.

I wonder what happened to the kid.

She probably ate it.

Passed out on the bed.

What, you gotta get her out of here?

Me? I'm not taking her anywhere.

Once again, it's all about you, you, you.

You can't even help out your old man when the going gets tough.

Hello?

Deanna?

to try the cranberry sauce. I got to go with the turkey.

Ethan, what's going on?

Yeah, Ethan, what is going on?

Uh, no.

Mom, uh, I have a new girlfriend.

Honey, that's wonderful.

Finally, a chance for grandchildren.

Oh, well, let's not rush into anything.

Oh, dear.

Okay, out with it.

What's up?

Ethan?

Mom, uh, my new girlfriend, Ellen...

She ate the dude. She...

what?

Exactly. How could he even be dating somebody who would do such a thing?

Ethan, it's not so much I'm hurt, I'm disappointed.

Sorry, Mom.

I don't want to hear your excuses.

Well, it's been a rough day.

Okay.

Just this once, I'm giving you a get -out -of -jail -free card. But I never

to see this young tramp of yours. Promise me you will never date her

That I can do.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a turkey.

Believe me, Ethan.

I'm worried about you.

I'm shocked and disappointed too, son.

Thanks a lot, Dad.

I was too popular.

Hello, Mr. Lefkowitz. I'm Caitlin.

I am a fully trained character designer who is temporarily marooned in this

freakish pod of the corn where my co -workers waste both time and the Atronic

Arts' precious resources.

Uh, you're supposed to discuss yourself, not us. If you give us a chance, you'd

like us.

I'm sure I would, but I'm getting transferred out of here.

Come on, tell us something else.

Um... I'm American, from Florida.

I am formerly of Apple, yes.

the Apple computers of Cupertino, California.

I moved here for love.

Uh, that isn't here anymore.

I mean, he is, but it isn't.

So anyway, um, this is my first week at Neotronic Arts, and I look forward to

bringing life to the characters that will populate your games.

Awesome.

Nature!

What better place to find things natural?

Here we hunt turtles, where we bond with the creatures and with each other.

Watch your step.

You managed to choose the first snowy week since Ronald Reagan was president.

What? Do I hear the voice of someone who likes a challenge?

Huh? Doesn't he know turtles hibernate?

I hate nature. Nature's boring.

It reminds me of hippies.

Sweet of you to invite me on a field trip.

Turtle research mission.

You're a big part of this, Carol. I need you.

I took the liberty of having Gordina prepare a boxed lunch.

I hope all four food groups are present.

Fizzle. Thanks, Steve. I'll end up being your stepfather.

Kill me now. I did some more digging on Steve.

Where's his first gaming job?

He's got an ex -wife and a kid. Ugly divorce.

Zero custody.

And guess what the kids' t -ball team's called? The Turtle.

You're good.

I'm going shrooming.

How could you want to leave all this?

Turtle hunting in the snow with Steve and my mother.

I know what you did to my keyboard, you gore pimp. We were all once where you

are now, wanting out, fighting destiny.

J -Pod's actually the best of all worlds.

If you play your cards right, you can do as much or as little work as you want.

J -Pod's the other side of the mirror. You lucked in.

Maybe you just didn't try hard enough to get out. Look, Ethan.

It's a dog chewing on a Destructor 3 promotional tube like the one you have.

I thought you were the only one in the city.

I don't remember you wearing that in the car on the way over.

Strange.

And when you have one specific task at hand, the whole world looks completely

different. I look around, all I can see is how hard it is to find a place to

dump a body.

You think the world turned that way on purpose?

Yes, Mom.

If it was too easy to get rid of bodies, we'd run out of people. So species were

a disaster.

You were always the smart one, Ethan.

Oh! Oh, stop the car! Stop the car!

Your brother Greg's got his face on a bus bench.

It gave me a heart attack.

Well, you only get to see your son's face on a bus bench ad for the first

once.

Someone who boss talks.

Ah, young Steven.

Well, it's not my place to say anything, but maybe hanging out with my work pot

is just a little bit inappropriate.

You're right, Ethan.

It isn't your place to say anything.

All Steven wants is to make your life better. He could use a... dab of joy in

your drab little world.

Your father and I spent our whole lives trying to be appropriate.

All I got is what's broken, left behind by society.

I'm gonna find those power lines. I'm making a big pair of Felicia for dessert

tonight, and I gotta get cracking.

The wrench is a nice touch.

If that doesn't look like an electrocuted biker, I don't know what

Look at that, Ethan.

You're always the smart one.

Hey, it was nice meeting you all.

Uh, Gudina?

Can I come in?

I'm just wondering how the, uh, transfer's going?

Caitlin, that's quite the secret you carry.

How's he?

Um, what, uh, the weight thing?

I could care less about that. I, too, am an underground loser.

No, what I'm referring to is modern mothers.

I googled you.

See, I'm all for being a nurturing and fertile woman, but I'm also all for

Neotronic Arts employees having a high school diploma.

Gordina, please, I worked at Apple. We clearly need to do a better job checking

references. I was a rising star, and I once held a million -dollar portfolio of

tech stock, but here I am, stuck in human resources at Neotronic Arts.

Gordina, please, I'm begging you, I'll die in there. You get an equivalency

degree, and we'll discuss getting you out.

Until then, consider yourself lucky to be employed.

Carol, John.

Yeah.

Dwight.

Scared me.

I'm looking for my buddy, Tim.

Tim? Yeah, he called me yesterday from your basement.

Said he had some news about you.

Was coming over.

Didn't know I went there.

The cell reception down there is just awful, Dwight. All those reflective

surfaces. Yeah, yeah.

The thing is, Carol, Tim has 50 grand of my money on him.

And I want it. I think he can relay the message.

I can try.

Good girl.

Because the way he just dropped out like that, Carol, it's mighty suspicious.

And I figure if I don't get it from him, well, I'll have to get it from you.

Mom, I can't do this again.

Believe me, Ethan, I was rather fond of Tim.

Special to me. What do you mean, special?

I can't expect you to understand that.

Oh, God, Mom, don't look.

Why? What's wrong?

Crows chewed out his eyeballs.

What's going on? It's okay now. You can look.

Here.

You can't just leave him here as a smorgasbord for wild animals.

You have to do what people in this world do with dead bodies. You have to bury

him.

Well, then let's hop to it.

I'm getting a server upgrade in an hour. Call your other son.

Ethan, if you were in the same situation, I'd look for a good place to

too. Gee, thanks.

That came out wrong.

You know what I meant.

If they find him dead, Dwight will know I'm implicated.

We have got to find a way to make sure that this...

We... Look, man.

It was never, ever found.

Oh.

You're driving for hours. I am thinking. I'm thinking.

Oh, Ethan. Stop the car.

I've already seen Greg's bench, Mom.

And one of them just gave me a slipper.

Just remember that wonderful list you got in the... You flipped it twice

already. Honey, I am so proud of you. It's a little more than a hole in the

ground. By the way, when do they backfill the foundation?

Tomorrow!

That's perfect!

I can only imagine the dream kitchen, baby.

A walk -in fridge.

Captain, sir, you just knock him down at that open house tomorrow.

Please.

Please. Please.

Don't come back.

All right.

Love you, too.

Bye -bye.

Kind of recognize it was her. What? Why didn't she recognize it was you? I just

don't think she could now. We were both so touched up, but the kind of lube was

never found.

She knows you Googled her.

I didn't do it. You Googled her. We all Googled her.

New rule?

Sweetie, I didn't want to jinx it before, but... I think I might finally

first speaking role.

That's wonderful.

This may be the break I've been waiting for.

What's the movie called?

Hitler's Kitten.

I'm up for the part of the vet.

What a fresh idea.

And what an acting challenge for you, darling.

I think I'd make a better Hitler.

Raccoon. Again?

I'll handle it.

Don't hurt him. You're a vet now.

Are you nuts?

Throwing rocks at my window like that?

You haven't phoned since our last date.

That wasn't a date. That was you eating my wife's prized specimen.

She was entering that in the cannabis cup. Now she's got to take in some

stemmy swag. Probably won't even get the bronze. I couldn't resist.

It just looked so good.

Sort of like you look right now.

Aww.

I got to go back inside.

Call tomorrow?

Yeah, I promise.

Wait. Carol.

I'm 39.

No worries.

It shouldn't take long.

Carol?

Outside with the girl guys, honey. Can you believe it's that time of year

Hey, just get those chocolate cookies. I hate the vanilla ones. And those girl

guys are just plain spooky.

I'm with you on that.

Tim said to tell you that he's taking a trip.

Oh, did he now?

Wow. Until he gets back, Carol.

I'll be keeping an eye on you.

Sure.

We're headed to Blitzville, Daddy -O. You staying late?

Yeah, I'm going to check out some new blood spatter theories from Stanford.

Research. Okay.

Night, Eve.

Night, guys.

Thanks. Oh, you have to have ketchup.

I had a bad day.

Yeah?

Me too.

Defendoid? You like Defendoid? Uh, yeah. It's like my favorite arcade game of

all time.

Whenever my dad used to lock me in the pickup truck in the casino parking lot,

would sneak out and cash in some empty bottles I found in the weeds and play

hours.

Sure to try your luck?

A Defendoid is primal, you know? It's just kill or be killed. Totally!

What did you make of Defendoid 2?

They introduced that lame triangle -shaped character, and after that the

franchise began to suck.

That is so true!

When the shapes all started talking of dialogue, I just couldn't play anymore.

Me neither.

Haven't you died yet?

Uh, hell no.

And just you wait till I catch a warp speed module.

Yeah, you wish.

You know, I have an original Defendoid motherboard at home.

No way.

Yeah. I hacked it into some algorithms I downloaded, and then one day I'm going

to rebuild the whole shebang, and it's Ikea -covered.

Yeah? Yeah.

It's hot in here.

It's like 74 degrees Fahrenheit.

You hate metric, too?

For worse.

Hi, I'm Ethan Jalewski.

I work here in J -Pod as the gore specialist.

Hi, I'm Bree. That's short for Brianna Marie Jang. Steve.

Steve.

Steve. Hi, I'm John Doe, which...

As of last week, my true and legal name. Hello, Mr. Lefkowitz. I'm Caitlin.

I am a fully trained character designer who's temporarily marooned in this

freakish pod of the corn.

You know, I'm worried about Ethan, too. He seems to be losing his way.

I know. I mean, that girlfriend of his. Yeah, and see the mess he made of your

car? I'm going to be shampooing that out all weekend.

Still, it is age. What can we do?

I guess it could be worse, right, honey?

Yeah. I mean, look how long it took for us to find our calling. Well, that's

true. If I were still building bridges, I would have jumped off one by now.

But look at her.

Let's go to bed.

Yeah.

It's just this one.

Wow. Nice dig.

Eh, it's not mine. The whole building is owned by offshore Chinese

industrialists who keep condos here as spares when their economy melts down.

My brother manages it all. I get free rent for turning on lights and pulling

drapes and rearranging patio furniture.

Are you fooling anyone?

Uh, I don't think anybody's really paying attention.

Can I get you something to drink?

Uh, just water. I gotta flush out all the grease.

You look good for somebody who, uh... Lost 150 pounds.

I don't have a problem with it.

Nice to hear.

Chris, I am sorry.

You never told me you had roommates.

I think my brother forgot to tell me something.

What?