Original subtitles

THE TAPS ARE ALL ORIGINAL BRASS.

EVERYTHING IN THIS BABY IS ORIGINAL.

YOU KNOW, BUYIN' THIS BAR

WOULD BE THE BEST INVESTMENT YOU EVER MADE.

GREAT. WHAT TIME DO YOU USUALLY OPEN?

WE'RE OPEN.

OH.

WHERE, UM...

WHERE ARE YOUR CUSTOMERS?

OH, YOU'RE NEW TO THE TAVERN GAME. YEAH.

THIS ISN'T EXACTLY, UH, PRIME TIME.

IT'S 8:00 ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

YEAH. WE DEAL WITH A LATER KIND OF CROWD, MOSTLY EUROPEAN.

AH, HERE WE GO.

BONJOUR, MADEMOISELLE.

WHAT?

WHAT CAN I GET FOR YOU?

I'M MEETING THE CHEERLEADERS

ACROSS THE STREET AT TJ SHENANIGAN'S,

AND I NEED SOME MONEY.

WAIT. THERE'S-- THERE'S ANOTHER BAR ACROSS THE STREET?

[LAUGHS] I WOULDN'T REALLY CALL IT A BAR.

[LAUGHS] NO, IT'S MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

THERE'S AN ARCADE, A BOWLING ALLEY,

AND A CLIMBING WALL. NOT THAT YOU CAN GET TO ANY OF THAT.

IT'S ALWAYS SO CROWDED.

WHY DON'T YOU BRING YOUR FRIENDS OVER HERE?

[LAUGHS]

COULD I HAVE MONEY, PLEASE?

[SIGHS]

[QUIETLY] I DON'T HAVE ANY.

CHECK THE REGISTER.

YEAH, REGISTER'S CLOSED.

OH, MY GOD.

YOU DON'T HAVE $10 IN YOUR REGISTER

ON A FRIDAY NIGHT?

YEAH, OF COURSE!

OF COURSE I'VE GOT $10.

YEAH, I GOT $10.

SEE? I GOT $10 RIGHT HERE.

FRANK SINATRA SIGNED THIS?

HE SURE DID.

[WHISPERING] If you spend that, I will kill you.

DAD! GO!

JUST GO. GO.

PAUL, WE'RE BOTH BUSY MEN.

HMM? AND WE COULD GO BACK AND FORTH

WITH THIS DANCE OF OFFER AND COUNTER-OFFER,

SO WHAT I'M GONNA DO IS I'M GONNA GIVE YOU THE ROCK-BOTTOM PRICE

FOR THIS BAR. OK?

[SCOFFS] NO WAY.

WHAT IF I WERE TO CROSS OFF A ZERO?

HEY. SEAN, YOU HAVE ANY MONEY? I'M GONNA MEET LENA

AT TJ SHENANIGAN'S FOR SOME DINNER.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT! PAUL, WHAT IF I MADE THIS COMMA A DECIMAL?

WHAT IF I SAY "I'LL CALL YOU"?

DAMN IT!

WHAT'S GOIN' ON?

I ALMOST SOLD THE BAR FOR 50 BUCKS.

OH, COME ON.

SERIOUSLY. I BET YOU

HE WOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT IT FOR THAT, EVEN.

HONEY, WHY DO YOU BRING THESE PEOPLE IN HERE

WHEN YOU DON'T HAVE ANY CUSTOMERS?

I CAN'T CONTROL THAT, BABE. OK?

SOME NIGHTS, IT'S, UH, YOU KNOW,

THERE ARE VERY FEW PEOPLE HERE,

AND OTHER NIGHTS, IT'S TOTALLY EMPTY.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN. YOU NEED TO BE PATIENT.

OK? SOMEBODY'S GONNA BUY THIS PLACE.

HEY, ED. WHAT'S GOIN' ON, MAN?

YOU REMEMBER MY EX-GIRLFRIEND AMY?

CRAZY AMY OR TATTOO AMY?

CRAZY AMY. TATTOO AMY'S STILL IN JAIL.

YOU REMEMBER THOSE NUDE PICTURES SHE TOOK OF ME?

WAIT. I THOUGHT THEY BOTH DID THAT.

ONLY ONE OF 'EM DID THIS.

WAIT. IS THAT AT THE NEWSSTAND ON 18th STREET?

DON'T GO SEE THEM.

OH, I'M NOT.

I HAVE TO PLAN AN ALTERNATE ROUTE HOME.

I MEAN, YOU GOTTA DO SOMETHIN', MAN.

WELL, WHAT CAN I DO? THE PICTURES ARE OUT THERE ALREADY.

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF SHE TAKES 'EM TO ANOTHER GALLERY

OR MAKES SOME KIND OF BOOK?

I MEAN, THEN EVERYBODY'S GONNA HAVE SEEN YOU NAKED.

WAIT. THERE'S STILL ME.

AH. WHAT ABOUT THE CAMPING TRIP?

DAMN IT, SEAN. I BLOCKED THAT FOR 3 YEARS.

I'M GONNA GO.

ALL RIGHT. CONFRONT HER. SERIOUSLY.

I COULD DO THAT, BUT IT DEPENDS.

IT DEPENDS ON WHAT?

ON WHETHER I'M WEARIN' A SHIRT

THAT I DON'T MIND BEING STABBED IN.

HEY, BABE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, GOING THROUGH ALL OUR OLD BABY STUFF

AND GETTING RID OF ANYTHING THAT'S BEEN DISCONTINUED,

RECALLED, OR BANNED. HOW'S IT GOIN'?

IT'D BE SAFER

TO LET OUR BABY SLEEP IN A DRY-CLEANING BAG.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOME USABLE STUFF HERE.

WHAT ABOUT THIS GUY?

YOU MEAN SPLINTER THE WONDER HORSE?

OW! GOSH!

OH, LOOK. HENRY'S TEDDY.

OH, THIS GUY'S SOFT. HE SHOULD BE FINE.

NO. HIS EYE'S LOOSE. HE'S PROBABLY A CHOKING HAZARD.

OH, WELL, I'LL JUST PULL IT OUT. AH!

OH, GROSS. WE'VE GOT TO THROW OUT ALL THIS CRAP

AND START OVER.

THERE'S GOTTA BE SOMETHIN' SAFE THAT WON'T KILL OUR KID.

I MEAN, WHAT ABOUT THE WALKER?

IT'S DANGEROUS.

YOU CAN'T EVEN GET THESE ANYMORE.

HOW IS THAT THING DANGEROUS?

LET ME SHOW YOU.

[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] I'M COMING TO THE EDGE OF THE STAIRS,

I WISH I KNEW HOW TO STOP,

BUT I'M JUST A BABY...

OH, NO, BABY. IT'S SAFE.

IT DIDN'T BREAK.

OH. HEY, GIRLS.

HEY. WE'RE JUST PRACTICING

THROWING THE BABY DOWN THE STAIRS.

OH, WELL, WE'RE JUST TRYING TO REHEARSE.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD DANCE SQUAD TODAY.

I'M NOT IN DANCE SQUAD ANYMORE. I'M A CHEERLEADER.

THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

YEAH, BABE. CHEERLEADERS ARE COOL, OK?

DANCE SQUAD'S FOR LOSER SLUTS

WHO CAN'T GET BOYFRIENDS, RIGHT?

SKANKS, NOT SLUTS.

LET'S REHEARSE OUT BACK, GIRLS.

BUT WE'RE NOT ALL HERE.

WELL, IF SOMEONE CAN'T BE ON TIME,

THEY SHOULDN'T GET TO REHEARSE WITH US.

I'M HERE. I'M HERE. I'M HERE.

I WAS JUST STRETCHING.

HEY, MOM. HEY, DAD.

[LAUGHS] OH, MY GOD.

JIM, IS THERE SOMETHIN' YOU WANT TO TELL US?

GO, ST. FINNIAN'S! WHOO!

WHAT?

YEAH, YEAH. I'M A CHEERLEADER NOW.

I FIGURED I HAD ALL THIS SCHOOL SPIRIT

AND NO WAY TO CHANNEL IT, SO NOW I DO.

WELL...

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, TIME TO PRACTICE!

GO, LIONS!

HOORAY! WHOO!

UH, JIM?

JIM? JIM?

WHAT THE HELL'S GOIN' ON?

OK, I'M FILLING IN FOR BRIAN.

WHO'S BRIAN?

UNTIL RECENTLY, THE LUCKIEST GUY IN SCHOOL.

WHUH! OOH!

UHH! EH!

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

GET OUT OF HERE, PERV!

Brian: AAH!

OW! I THINK I PULLED MY HAMSTRING.

OH, NO!

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

Brian: OH!

I HAVE BEEN GETTING MORE ELBOW ACTION

THAN I KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH.

I'M PROUD OF YOU, SON.

ALL RIGHT! GO, LIONS! WHOO!

HEY, DID YOU SEE AMY?

YEAH. YEAH. OH, IT WAS A HOOT.

EDDIE.

AMY.

HOW'S IT GOIN'?

HOW DOES IT LOOK LIKE IT'S GOING?

I HAVE MY OWN GALLERY SHOW. I'VE BEEN PUBLISHED.

GOOD FOR YOU.

YES, IT IS. IT'S VERY GOOD.

SO, UH, A LOT OF THESE PICTURES SEEM TO BE OF ME.

THEY'RE ALL OF YOU.

IT'S FROM A COLLECTION CALLED EDDIE UNLEASHED,

EXCEPT FOR THAT ONE PICTURE CALLED EDDIE LEASHED.

WELL, YOU GOT TO CUT IT OUT.

WHY?

BECAUSE I DON'T WANT NAKED PICTURES OF ME

HANGIN' IN A GALLERY. THAT'S WHY.

WELL, WE ALWAYS WANTED DIFFERENT THINGS.

BUT IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER,

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE WHAT PEOPLE ARE WILLING TO PAY FOR THESE.

TRY ME.

WELL, THAT ONE,

WHICH I CALL EDDIE IN REPOSE,

20 GRAND.

WELL, I DO LOOK PRETTY GOOD IN THE HARNESS.

SO WITH MY BOOK DEAL AND THIS SHOW,

I SHOULD CLEAR CLOSE TO HALF A MILLION THIS YEAR.

I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, BUT I CANNOT ALLOW THIS.

REALLY? WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I COULD SUE YOU.

AND I COULD MURDER YOU.

HEHH...

I'M JUST KIDDING.

OR AM I?

WOW.

YEAH. SHE BROKE THE KNIFE.

NO. I MEAN, SHE'S CLEARIN' HALF A MILLION?

AND SHE'S NOT SPENDING ANY OF IT ON THERAPY.

ED, THINK ABOUT THIS, MAN.

WE SHOULD GET HER TO BUY THE RED BOOT.

WHY WOULD SHE WANT TO BUY THE RED BOOT?

WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD WANT TO BUY THE RED BOOT?

RIGHT? HUH?

BLANK AMY.

THAT'S NOT A GOOD IDEA.

WHY NOT? YOU COULD GET HER TO DO IT.

YOU CAN TALK HER INTO ANYTHING.

LOOK, SEAN, SEEIN' HER BROUGHT BACK A LOT OF BAD MEMORIES

AND IT CREATED A LOT OF WORSE ONES.

WE'RE NOT EVEN BREAKIN' EVEN ANYMORE.

WE'RE LOSIN' MONEY. YOU'RE LOSIN' MONEY.

WHY WON'T YOU DO THIS?

BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE TO TALK TO HER AGAIN.

SO? COME ON. WE GOTTA STRIKE WHILE THE IRON'S NUTS.

I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK, SHE'S EXPLOITING YOU, MAN, HUH?

YOU THINK SHE WAS THINKING ABOUT YOU?

SHE TOOK NAKED PICTURES OF YOU,

AND SHE'S SELLING 'EM ON THE STREET!

WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO THE SAME TO HER?

I DON'T EVEN HAVE A CAMERA.

AW, GOD, ED! WHAT OPTIONS DO WE HAVE?

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN, I'M GONNA GO TO THE STORE NOW, ALL RIGHT?

AND I'M GONNA GO TO THE DELI. I'M GONNA GET A SANDWICH,

AND RIGHT AFTER THAT, I'M GONNA GO

AND I'M GONNA EXPLOIT MY CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND.

THAT'S MY BOY, HUH?

[DOOR CLOSES] HEY, BABE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GOING THROUGH THESE CATALOGUES

AND MAKING A LIST OF ALL THE NEW STUFF I NEED FOR THE BABY.

"$90 FOR A BABY CARRIER"?

AREN'T YOU A BABY CARRIER?

WE. AREN'T WE BABY CARRIERS?

WE CAN'T AFFORD A NANNY,

SO UNLESS YOU WANT TO STUFF THE BABY INTO A FANNY PACK,

WE NEED A BABY CARRIER.

THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF HERE THAT WE DON'T NEED.

I MEAN, UH...

WHAT'S A WIPE WARMER?

IT'S A THING THAT WARMS UP THE WIPES

SO THEY'RE NICE AND WARM FOR THE BABY'S BUTT.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN DOIN' THE OL' COLD-WIPE METHOD FOR 35 YEARS,

AND MY BOTTOM'S JUST FINE, THANK YOU. EW.

I'M JUST SAYIN', BABE, THIS STUFF COSTS A LOT OF MONEY,

AND WE'RE NOT EXACTLY ROLLING IN DOUGH RIGHT NOW.

WELL, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO DO.

THE BABY CAN'T HAVE NOTHING.

WELL, WE SHOULD DO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO.

WE'LL JUST HAVE YOUR FRIENDS THROW YOU A BABY SHOWER.

HONEY, NOBODY IS GONNA THROW ME A BABY SHOWER FOR OUR FOURTH KID.

WELL, THEN I'LL THROW YOU A BABY SHOWER.

JUST FORGET IT, ALL RIGHT? I'LL CALL MY DAD.

NO! NO WAY. NO.

I AM GONNA FIND A WAY TO GET YOU ALL THIS STUFF:

THE BABY CARRIER, THE BREAST PUMP, THE WIPE WARMER.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID WE DIDN'T NEED A WIPE WARMER.

YOU GOT ME A LITTLE CURIOUS.

GO, LIONS. GO, LIONS.

WHOO! WHOO!

AHH.

THANKS, JIMMY.

JUST DOIN' MY PART FOR THE SCHOOL.

YOU CAN LET GO NOW.

I LANDED.

WELL, I'M THE SPOTTER,

SO I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOU'RE SAFE.

SHE'S SAFE!

OK.

GIRLS, YOU'RE FREE TO MOVE AROUND THE BACKYARD.

THANKS, JIMMY.

OK, I THINK WE'RE DONE, GIRLS.

WAIT. NO. LET'S TRY THE PYRAMID ONE MORE TIME.

COME ON. SECOND ROW.

JIMMY, WE'VE DONE THE PYRAMID A DOZEN TIMES. WE'RE DONE!

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS. I'LL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

WAIT. HANG ON. HANG ON.

GIRLS, AREN'T YOU FORGETTING SOMETHING?

SQUAD HUG.

SQUAD HUG! SQUAD HUG!

OK, TIME'S UP. BYE, NOW.

BYE.

Girls: BYE.

JIMMY, I WANT YOU OFF THE SQUAD.

WHY? 'CAUSE I'VE GOT SPIRIT?

NO. BECAUSE YOU'RE USING THIS AS AN EXCUSE TO RUB UP AGAINST PEOPLE.

IT'S DISGUSTING.

LILY, I THINK YOU'RE A LITTLE OUT OF LINE HERE, ALL RIGHT?

I JUST LOVE CHEERLEADING.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT CHEERLEADING.

SURE, I DO. I KNOW THE AZTEC PYRAMID,

THE ZIGZAG SPLIT CASCADE,

AND I'M WORKING ON MY SPIRIT FINGERS.

OW. OW! OW! OW!

OOH, OOH. OW. OW.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. THAT WAS MORE THAN UNNECESSARY.

OH, EDDIE, YOU CAME BACK.

WAS IT FOR ME...

OR FOR YOUR CHEESE?

NO. I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

OH, I DON'T KNOW, EDDIE.

WE TALKED BEFORE, YOU KNOW?

HARSH THINGS WERE SAID.

VIOLENT THINGS WERE CONTEMPLATED.

I KNOW. I JUST--

YOU WANT ME BACK, DON'T YOU?

WELL, I--

OH, I DON'T KNOW, ED.

YOU HURT ME REAL BAD LAST TIME.

YOU HURT ME...

REAL BAD.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.

EH, THAT'S OK. JUST DON'T DO IT AGAIN.

[CRASH]

MM...MM...MM!

HEY, I GOT YOUR MESSAGE. WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?

WELL, I--

SURPRISE! SURPRISE!

ARE THEY TALKIN' TO ME?

IT'S YOUR BABY SHOWER.

HONEY, I DON'T KNOW ANY OF THOSE PEOPLE.

THAT'S A BUNCH OF RANDOM STRANGERS.

OH, COME ON. COME ON. THE DRY-CLEANER'S SON A RANDOM STRANGER?

YOU'VE KNOWN HIM FOR 10 YEARS.

HONEY, I DON'T KNOW THESE PEOPLE.

WHERE ARE MY FRIENDS?

OK, DON'T BE SILLY.

THESE PEOPLE ARE ALL IMPORTANT TO YOU, OK?

LOOK, GURMEET FROM STATISTICS CLASS.

HELLO, CYNTHIA. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR INVITING ME.

OH, WELL, WHEN SEAN SAID, "BABY SHOWER,"

I SAID, "GURMEET." [LAUGHS]

AND OF COURSE YOU REMEMBER STEVIE, THE PAPERBOY?

HEY, MRS. F, YOU'RE LOOKIN' FINE.

THANK YOU, STEVIE.

I MEAN, REAL FINE.

HEY, WATCH IT, PAL.

SEAN, THIS IS HUMILIATING. I'M GOING HOME.

NO, NO, BABY. YOU CAN'T GO.

THESE PEOPLE TOOK TIME OUT OF THEIR BUSY DAY

JUST TO COME HERE AND CELEBRATE YOU.

COME ON. YOU CAN'T LEAVE NOW.

IS THAT THE GUY WHO LIVES IN THE ATM?

NO. HE'S THE GUY THAT HANGS OUT IN THE ATM, OK?

HE CAME IN FOR A GLASS OF WATER,

AND WHEN I TOLD HIM IT WAS YOUR SHOWER,

HE BEGGED ME TO LET HIM STAY.

GOOD-BYE.

NO, NO, NO, BABY! YOU CAN'T GO. PLEASE.

WHY?

OK, BECAUSE EDDIE'S BRINGING CRAZY AMY OVER TO BUY THE BAR,

AND I WANT HER TO SEE THE PLACE FULL.

YOU TRICKED ALL THOSE PEOPLE INTO COMING TO MY BABY SHOWER

SO YOU COULD UNLOAD YOUR FAILING BAR ON A CRAZY WOMAN?

YEAH. I WOULD'VE TRICKED YOUR FRIENDS, TOO, IF THEY WERE AROUND.

OK, WILL YOU PLEASE JUST TO TALK TO MRS. KELLY, THE BUTCHER'S WIFE.

SHE DOESN'T KNOW ANYBODY.

NEITHER DO I. GO!

HI.

HELLO.

UH, THIS SEAT IS FOR CYNTHIA.

EH, UH...

I'M...CYNTHIA.

OH.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

Sean: WELL, HEY, LOOK WHO IT IS.

IT'S CRA-AY--

AMY.

OH, IT'S OK, SEAN. I'M NOT CRA-AY ANYMORE.

SHE SWITCHED MEDICATIONS.

REALLY?

YEAH. I FEEL LIKE I'M WRAPPED IN WARM BLANKETS.

WOW. WHO WOULDN'T WANT THAT, HUH?

EXACTLY.

WOW, THIS PLACE IS HOPPING.

BUSIER THAN USUAL, HUH?

YOU THINK? IT ACTUALLY SEEMS KINDA SLOW FOR A WEDNESDAY NIGHT.

YOU DON'T SAY? HMM.

HEY, THERE'S CLAUDIA.

HEY, CLAU, HI!

HOW'D IT GO WITH, UH, AMY?

SURPRISINGLY WELL.

DID YOU TALK TO HER ABOUT BUYING THE BAR?

ALMOST.

SO...

WHAT'D YOU WANT TO TALK TO ME ABOUT?

AH, FORGET ABOUT IT. IT WAS NOTHIN'.

YOU SLEPT WITH CRAZY AMY?

I DON'T APPRECIATE YOU CALLIN' HER CRAZY.

COME ON, ED!

SHE FLIPPED YOUR CAR. SHE STABBED YOU.

SHE JUST MADE A FORTUNE SELLING NUDE PHOTOGRAPHS OF YOU.

QUIXOTIC. WHAT?

THEY CALL IT QUIXOTIC.

IF YOU SELL THAT NUTBAG OUR BAR,

I'LL CALL HER "YOUR MAJESTY."

HEY. HEY, DAD.

I'M HERE FOR MOM'S SHOWER. WHERE IS SHE?

SHE'S RIGHT OVER THERE WITH HER FRIENDS.

SHE'S SITTING NEXT TO THE GUY FROM THE HARDWARE STORE

WHO CUTS KEYS?

NO, THAT JUST LOOKS LIKE THE GUY FROM THE HARDWARE STORE,

BUT DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER.

IT'LL RUIN HER SPECIAL DAY.

HEY, HEY! HOW WAS CHEERLEADING PRACTICE?

IT SUCKED.

Lily: WHOO! YEAH!

GOOD JOB, GIRLS.

UH, GINA, THAT HURKIE LOOKED REALLY GREAT.

AND JESSICA, UM, I'D LIKE TO FEEL

A LITTLE MORE BREEZE ON THE FAN KICK, YOU KNOW?

KELLY, WHEN YOU'RE UP ON MY SHOULDERS,

DON'T BE AFRAID TO JUST SQUEEZE AS TIGHT AS YOU WANT.

LET ME GIVE YOU AN EXAMPLE.

OW!

LILY! OW!

HEY! GUYS!

BRIAN'S BACK!

YOUR LEG'S ALL BETTER.

YEAH. IT'S AMAZING.

I HAD THIS DEEP-TISSUE MASSAGE,

AND NOW IT'S BACK TO NORMAL.

WELL, IT'S GOOD TO HAVE YOU BACK.

SEE YA, JIMMY. I DON'T THINK SO.

BRIAN, THIS IS MY TEAM NOW.

I'VE BEEN GONE LESS THAN A WEEK.

WELL, T-O-O B-A-D. TOO BAD!

I INVENTED THOSE MOVES.

YEAH? WELL, I MADE 'EM MINE, PAL! SO BACK OFF!

NO WAY! YOU'LL NEVER HAVE THE PEP I HAVE.

HEY. TALK TO THE POM-POM.

BOYS, CALM DOWN.

I'M SURE WE CAN FIND A SOLUTION THAT WILL MAKE EVERYONE HAPPY.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?

I MEAN, THAT GUY SOUNDS HOT.

OK. NEXT QUESTION.

"WHAT WERE YOU WEARING ON THE NIGHT SEAN GOT YOU PREGNANT?"

EWW.

OH, COME ON. WHO WROTE THAT QUESTION?

WHO'S SEAN?

CYNTHIA'S HUSBAND.

SOMEBODY GONNA ANSWER MY QUESTION?

OK. YOU KNOW WHAT?

UM, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY SWEET,

AND I'M GONNA REMEMBER THIS BABY SHOWER FOREVER,

BUT I'M--[YAWNS]--

I'M REALLY TIRED. SO, UM, I'M GONNA HAVE TO GO HOME.

WAIT. AREN'T YOU GONNA OPEN THE PRESENTS?

LILY, HONEY, THESE PEOPLE DON'T KNOW ME.

I'M SURE NOBODY BROUGHT ANY PRESENTS.

Gurmeet: TA-DA!

HOLY COW. WOULD YOU LOOK AT ALL THOSE PRESENTS.

OPEN THIS ONE FIRST, HUH?

WELL, YOU-- YOU REALLY DIDN'T HAVE TO DO ALL THIS.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, IT WASN'T--

OH, MY GOSH! IT'S A WIPE WARMER!

GURMEET, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THEY'RE NOT JUST FOR BABIES, YOU KNOW.

A WIPE WARMER FROM-- WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

GURMEET BHODHIVANAM.

I'LL JUST WRITE "GARY."

OK, UM, THIS ONE DOESN'T HAVE A TAG,

BUT IT'S... A NURSING BRA.

THANK YOU, STEVIE.

NO PROBLEM. TRY IT ON.

MAYBE LATER.

OK. THIS ONE'S FROM MARK.

IT'S...

A BABY MONITOR!

OH, MY GOSH! THANK YOU, MARK!

I'M MARK.

I KNOW. I'M GONNA GET TO EVERYONE.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH ALL YOUR NEW MONEY?

REMEMBER THAT 950-PAGE SCREENPLAY I WROTE

ABOUT CANNIBALS DURING THE PLAGUE?

YEAH. THAT WAS FUNNY.

OH. THANK YOU.

WELL, I FIGURED THAT IF I CUT IT DOWN TO...

750 PAGES, I CAN FILM IT.

HEY. YOU TWO MIND IF I SIT DOWN?

I'M TIRED. I'VE BEEN POURING SO MANY DRINKS.

EDDIE AND I WERE JUST TALKING ABOUT WHAT I'M GONNA DO WITH ALL MY MONEY.

YEAH. GOD, IF I HAD MONEY LIKE THAT,

I'D PROBABLY BUY THIS BAR.

IS IT FOR SALE?

WOW. I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, ED? IS THIS BAR FOR SALE?

NO.

NO. IT'D BE TOO HARD TO SAY--TO SAY GOOD-BYE,

BUT I GUESS IF ANY OFFER CAME ALONG,

WE'D HAVE TO CONSIDER IT.

I'VE ALWAYS LOVED THIS PLACE,

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'D DO WITH A BAR.

WELL, YOU COULD MAKE A GALLERY OUT OF IT,

OR A BOOKSTORE.

I MEAN, JUST GO CRAZY.

WELL...

THAT'S A BIG DECISION.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, ED?

YEAH, ED. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

I DON'T KNOW. A LOT OF MY BLOOD AND SWEAT WENT INTO THIS PLACE.

I'M IN.

OH, MY GOD.

THANK YOU, AMY. THANK YOU.

NO TOUCHING. OK. OK. OK.

MRS. WEXLER, PLEASE TELL MORRIS

I HOPE HIS BACK FEELS BETTER.

AND, SANDRA, I'M GONNA E-MAIL YOU THAT RECIPE. I WON'T FORGET.

GURMEET, YOU AND LAKSHMI,

OUR HOUSE, GAME NIGHT, NEXT FRIDAY. DON'T FORGET.

HA HA. YOU TRY AND STOP ME, HUH?

BYE-BYE. SEE YA.

BABY, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THIS BABY SHOWER MESS.

I PROMISE I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

THAT WAS THE BEST BABY SHOWER EVER.

SERIOUSLY? YES.

IT'S WEIRD. I SEE THESE PEOPLE EVERY DAY,

BUT I NEVER REALLY GOT TO MEET THEM, YOU KNOW?

THEY ARE REALLY SWEET AND REA GENEROUS.

I'LL SAY. I MEAN, LOOK, BABY MONITORS,

A LAMBSKIN BLANKET, AND--

HEY, WHO GOT THE CAR SEAT?

STAN. STAN?

YEAH. THE GUY WHO LIVES AT THE ATM.

HE LEFT FOR, LIKE, 15 MINUTES AND BROUGHT IT BACK.

OH, GOOD. BECAUSE IT STILL HAS A PIECE OF SEAT BELT IN IT.

UH...

WIPE WARMER.

HEY, PUT THAT DOWN.

IT HAS TO BE TESTED FOR SAFETY FIRST.

YOU ARE SICK.

OK. THERE WE GO.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA BE A SALOON KEEPER.

YEAH. SO I GUESS ALL I NEED IS A CHECK FOR THE DOWN PAYMENT.

OH, I DON'T CARRY CHECKS.

YOU KNOW, TOO DANGEROUS.

IDENTITY THEFT.

LOT OF CRAZIES OUT THERE.

I'LL JUST GIVE YOU CASH.

YEAH, BUT I NEED, LIKE, 60,000.

THAT'S 40 LARGE. REST IS IN MY TRUNK.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE YOU SHOWED UP.

YOU KNOW, AMY, I CAN'T LET YOU BUY THE BAR.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S A TERRIBLE INVESTMENT.

BUT YOU SAID--

THERE'S A PLACE DOWN THE STREET

THAT'S A GIANT BOWLING ALLEY/ DRINKING HOLE/FUNNERY

CALLED TJ SHENANIGAN'S.

I KNOW. THEIR POTATO SKINS ARE GIGANTIC.

THEY'RE LIKE CHILI-FILLED CANOES.

SO YOU'VE BEEN THERE?

YEAH. CHECK OUT THE COMPETITION.

THERE IS NO COMPETITION.

WITH THAT PLACE DOWN THE STREET,

YOU'RE NEVER GONNA MAKE ANY MONEY AT THE RED BOOT.

OH, LET'S JUST SAY THERE'S A METHOD TO MY MADNESS.

[FIRE ENGINE SIREN]

OK. WOULD THAT METHOD BE ARSON?

JUST CALL IT A HAPPY ACCIDENT.

COME ON.

LIGHT'S GONNA GET REALLY INTERESTING IN ABOUT 2 MINUTES.

ALL RIGHT, BUT I'M NOT TAKING OFF MY CLOTHES.