Original subtitles

GOOD MORNING, UNCLE EDDIE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TRYING TO COME UP WITH SOME NEW JOKES FOR MY ACT TONIGHT.

OH! WHAT DO YOU GOT SO FAR?

THANK YOU. GOOD TO BE HERE.

GOOD TO BE HERE. GOOD-- HACK.

HOW HARD CAN IT BE TO COME UP WITH A COUPLE OF JOKES?

YOU KNOW, SOME COMEDIANS WORK THEIR WHOLE LIVES

JUST TO COME UP WITH A TIGHT 5 MINUTES.

WELL, MAYBE I COULD HELP YOU COME UP WITH SOME STUFF.

WHAT DO YOU GOT?

OK, LET'S SEE. UM...

HA HA. HA HA HA!

SAUSAGE.

SAUSAGE?

IT'S FUNNY! SAUSAG-- [LAUGHS]

SAUSAGE IS FUNNY. WRITE IT DOWN.

I'M NOT WRITING IT DOWN. IT'S JUST A WORD, OK?

A JOKE NEEDS CONTEXT. YOU CAN'T, YOU KNOW,

JUST GO SAY, "SAUSAGE" IN A VACUUM.

[LAUGHS, SNORTS]

SAUSAGE IN A VACUUM IS FUNNY! [SNORTS]

SEE YOU LATER.

YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING,

I SHOULDN'T GO OUT IN PUBLIC LOOKING LIKE THIS?

NO, BABY, YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL--

FINE, FINE! YOU GO TO THE STORE!

I'LL JUST BE A SHUT-IN!

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

YOU KNOW, I GUESS IT'S THAT TIME OF THE PREGNANCY

WHEN CLAUDIA DOESN'T EXACTLY FEEL...

SEXY.

DO YOU THINK I HAVE BARNEY RUBBLE FEET?

IF ANYTHING, THEY'RE LIKE POINTS.

OW! GOD, THAT'S LIKE A NEEDLE!

AAH!

LOOK WHAT I GOT YOU.

OH...THANK YOU.

HEY, I SAW ROSEMARY MINERO DOWN AT THE FLOWER SHOP.

YOU THINK YOU LOOK PREGNANT. SHE--

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

NOTHING, IT'S JUST COMPARED TO ROSEMARY, THAT YOU LOOK--

OH, THANK YOU. SO I'M NOT QUITE AS REPELLENT

AS THE MOST PREGNANT WOMAN ON EARTH!

BABY, YOU UP?

YEAH.

YOU WANT SOME LOVIN', HMM?

[MUFFLED] NO.

ARE YOU OK?

WELL, I THINK SHE LOOKS GREAT.

YEAH, SO DO I, BUT NO MATTER WHAT I DO,

I CAN'T MAKE HER FEEL ANY BETTER.

YOU KNOW WHAT'LL MAKE HER REALLY HAPPY?

A POLICE SCANNER.

WHY WOULD A PREGNANT WOMAN NEED A POLICE SCANNER?

I DON'T KNOW. I GOT 3 OF 'EM IN MY TRUNK.

THEY'RE NOT MOVIN' AT ALL.

HEY, LIL. HEY, BABY.

I'M HERE ON OFFICIAL BUSINESS.

J-DOG?

I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS.

WHAT?

YOU'RE A SCIENCENAUT!

NO, I'M NOT.

YEAH! YEAH, YES, YOU ARE. I GOT YOU IN!

HERE. HERE'S YOUR JACKET...

WHAT IS "M DWARF"?

TECHNICALLY, IT'S A LOW MASS STAR.

IT'S JIMMY'S PLEBE NAME.

WHEN YOU'RE A FULL NAUT, YOU CAN CHOOSE YOUR OWN.

I DON'T WANT-- YOU DO AS YOU'RE TOLD, PLEBE!

OK. I GOTTA GO. I'LL SEE YOU AT THE SCIENCE LAB AT 1600 HOURS.

DON'T BE LATE.

BRAD, SERIOUSLY-- PLEBE!!

WELL, CONGRATULATIONS, "M DWARF"!

YOU KNEW ABOUT THIS?

IT'S ALL HE'S BEEN TALKING ABOUT FOR THE LAST MONTH.

I'M NOT EVEN INTO SCIENCE.

SURE, YOU ARE.

YOU'VE GOT THAT WHOLE WEATHER KIT UP IN YOUR ROOM.

LILY, THAT'S A HUMIDIFIER.

JUST TELL YOUR BOYFRIEND

I'M NOT JOINING HIS STUPID CLUB.

NO, COME ON. YOU SAW HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO HIM.

JUST GO TO ONE MEETING.

NO. I GOTTA KEEP MY SCHEDULE OPEN AFTER SCHOOL.

WHAT IF SOMETHING COMES UP? WHAT IF I GET A DATE?

OK. FINE.

I'LL GO TO ONE MEETING.

OK. I'M SURE BRAD WILL APPRECIATE IT.

PLEBE!

HEY, UNCLE EDDIE. OOH! HOW WAS YOUR COMEDY THING LAST NIGHT?

I THINK IT'S FAIR TO SAY I KILLED!

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? SAUSAGE.

IT'S TOO CONFIDENT. WHO DOES IT THINK IT IS?

I'LL TELL YOU WHO IT IS.

IT'S ALL THIS OTHER CRAP THAT YOU WOULD NEVER EAT BY ITSELF...

GROUND UP, STUFFED INSIDE AN INTESTINE!

IT'S NOT EVEN MEAT.

IT SITS ON THE PLATE GOING, "COME ON, EAT ME.

EAT ME. YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. YOU KNOW I'M GOOD."

IT'S LIKE, HEY, LISTEN, MAN, YOU'RE NOT EVEN MEAT.

IT'S HALFWAY BETWEEN FOOD AND GARBAGE.

I FEEL LIKE TAKING THE SAUSAGE AND SAYING,

"HEY, SAUSAGE, ENOUGH WITH THE ATTITUDE, ALL RIGHT? WE GET IT, OK?"

THANK YOU. GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, REALLY FUNNY STUFF.

THANK YOU.

KELLY GREEN. I M.C. OVER AT THE COMIC STRIP.

OH, YEAH.

YOU WANNA COME OVER AND DO A SPOT ON MY LINEUP THURSDAY?

IF I DON'T HAVE TO EAT ANY SAUSAGE, I'LL BE THERE.

WOW! YOU GOT YOUR FIRST BIG GIG.

HMM. SEE? I TOLD YOU SAUSAGE WAS FUNNY.

SAUSAGE ISN'T FUNNY.

A PISSED OFF GUY PUTTING SAUSAGE IN ITS PLACE IS FUNNY.

OK, WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO ARGUE ABOUT IT.

WE GOTTA COME UP WITH SOME MORE MATERIAL.

THAT'S OK. I'M GOOD.

NO, NO, NO. I GOT SOMETHING NEW.

FUTONS.

WHAT? IT'S FUNNY.

HEY.

HI.

EDDIE, THIS IS STEVE FROM MY ECON CLASS.

HOW YOU DOIN'?

OK, IF WE INCREASE MONEY SUPPLY,

THAT HAS THE SAME EFFECT AS LOWERING INTEREST RATES.

DO I HAVE SOMETHING ON MY FACE?

NO.

WHY ARE YOU STARING AT ME?

BECAUSE YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL. I MEAN, YOUR SKIN IS AMAZING.

[GIGGLES]

THANK YOU. I TRY TO STAY OUT OF THE SUN

AND I EXFOLIATE WHEN I HAVE TOO MUCH...

FOLIAGE.

MAY I ASK YOUR AGE?

STEVE, THAT IS A DANGEROUS GAME.

23.

WHICH YOU JUST WON.

CLAUDIA, HOW'S THAT BABY MY BROTHER PUT INSIDE YOU?

FINE, EDDIE.

I WAS JUST CHECKING.

HEY, SEAN, JUST A HEAD'S-UP.

THERE'S AN ENGLISH GUY IN THE KITCHEN HITTIN' ON YOUR WIFE.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S COOL.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD GET A LOOK AT HIM.

HE'S KIND OF A CROSS BETWEEN YOU AND JUDE LAW, MINUS YOU.

YEAH, WELL, IS HE MAKING HER FEEL SEXY?

HE WAS MAKIN' ME FEEL SEXY.

ALL RIGHT, GOOD, SEE?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WANTED.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

REMEMBER HOW I SAID

CLAUDIA HASN'T REALLY BEEN FEELING THAT ATTRACTIVE LATELY?

I DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

HI. DOES CLAUDIA FINNERTY LIVE HERE?

YEAH. YEAH. I'M HER HUSBAND SEAN.

HI, I'M STEVE. I'M HERE TO STUDY WITH HER.

OH, HEY, STEVE, HOW'S IT GOING? SHE'S INSIDE.

OK.

DO I--WAIT A SECOND. DO I--

YOU'RE A GOOD LOOKING GUY, MAN.

THANKS. I'M GONNA GO INSIDE, OK?

ONE SECOND. I WANNA ASK YOU SOMETHING, STEVE.

UH...

YOU FIND MY WIFE PRETTY ATTRACTIVE?

I GUESS.

YEAH, SURE, I DO.

I THINK SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

OH, GOOD. I'M GLAD FOR YOU.

I AM, TOO. I'M LUCKY. YEAH.

I WANT YOU TO HIT ON HER FOR ME.

WHAT?

JUST HIT ON HER,

MAKE HER FEEL SEXY, ATTRACTIVE, YOU KNOW?

AN INTERNATIONAL STUD LIKE YOU, YOU CAN DO THAT, HUH?

I DON'T KNOW IF I'M GONNA BE COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.

WHAT IF I PAID YOU 50 BUCKS?

SEAN, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YA,

YOU DON'T PAY OTHER GUYS TO HIT ON YOUR WIFE.

LOOK, I'VE BEEN WITH CLAUDIA FOR 16 YEARS, OK?

I THINK I KNOW HER BETTER THAN YOU DO.

I THINK PRETTY BOY'S GONNA GET TO KNOW HER BETTER THAN BOTH OF US.

JIMMY, HEY,

HOW'D YOUR FIRST SCIENCENAUTS MEETING GO, HUH?

PRETTY MUCH WHAT I EXPECTED.

CAREFUL, NIMROD. YOU'RE GONNA BURN DOWN THE SCHOOL.

HELIUM'S INERT, YOU IDIOT.

NOT IN A NUCLEAR REACTOR, DUMB ASS.

WELL, I DON'T SEE A CYCLOTRON AROUND HERE, NOW, DO YOU?

YOU'RE GONNA SEE A CYCLOTRON, ALL RIGHT.

Chanting: ARGUMENT, ARGUMENT!

FELLAS, NO NEED TO ARGUE. LET'S JUST GET THIS CLEANED UP.

"M DWARF, SOLAR WIND," WE NEED A CLEAN-UP!

Chanting: PLEBES, PLEBES, PLEBES, PLEBES!

PLEBES, PLEBES, PLEBES, PLEBES, PLEBES, PLEBES...

WOW! SORRY, JIM. I DIDN'T REALIZE

YOU'D HAVE TO GO THROUGH THAT MUCH DORKERY.

YEAH. IT WAS PRETTY ROUGH.

WELL, THANKS FOR GIVING IT A SHOT.

IT'S OK. THERE'S ANOTHER MEETING TOMORROW.

IF I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING, I MIGHT SWING BY.

REALLY? THAT WOULD MEAN SO MUCH TO BRAD.

THANK YOU, PUBE.

IT'S PLEBE!

WANNA TALK ABOUT THE MEETING?

NOT REALLY. IT WAS JUST LAME.

COME ON, JIM. I WENT TO THAT SCHOOL.

I KNOW WHAT GOES ON AT THOSE MEETINGS.

OH--ISN'T IT GREAT?!

AT EASE, PLEBES!

GENTLEMEN, TIME FOR PHASE 2!

PHASE 2! [CHEERING]

LIGHTS!

Woman: PERMISSION TO SPEAK FREELY, CAPTAIN ROCKHARD.

Captain: GR-ANTED.

MY SPACE SUIT IS WAY TOO HOT.

LET ME HELP YOU, LIEUTENANT HO.

HOW DO THEY DO THAT?

ZERO GRAVITY.

NICE!

THAT'S JUST WRONG. YOU JUST SAID YOU--

YOU GOTTA STOP FALLING FOR "I KNOW WHAT GOES ON AT THOSE MEETINGS."

SO HOW DO YOU GET IT TO BOUNCE LIKE THAT?

'SCUSE ME?

YOUR HAIR. IT'S SO BOUNCY.

HOW DO YOU GET IT TO DO THAT?

I WASH IT AND THEN I WALK.

HEY, GUYS, HOW'S THE STUDYING GOING?

IT'S GOOD. YEAH. WE'LL SEE YOU LATER.

YOU GOING SOMEWHERE?

YEAH. WE'RE GONNA GET A CUP OF COFFEE THEN GO BACK TO STEVE'S PLACE.

REALLY?

YEAH. MY ROOMMATE'S OUT OF TOWN,

SO IT'LL BE PRETTY QUIET.

OH! OK. YOU COMING BACK SOON?

NO. NOT FOR A WHILE. WE GOT A LOTTA STUFF TO GET DONE. SEE YA.

S-SEE YA LATER, BABE. Bye.

DO I HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT THIS?

[GIGGLING] I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I FORGOT MY BOOKS!

OH, HEY, EDDIE.

HEY. WHAT ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP FOR?

STUDYING.

ALL RIGHT, THAT DRESS DOES NOT SAY STUDYING,

ALL RIGHT?

IT SAYS, "LET ME JUST RUN YOUR CREDIT CARD THROUGH THE AGENCY,

AND WE'LL GET STARTED."

SO WHAT'S WITH THE GETUP?

I FOUND OUT HOW BIG OF AN ASS YOUR BROTHER IS.

OK, ANY OTHER QUESTIONS ABOUT TRADE EMBARGOES?

JUST ONE. HAVE YOU EVER MODELED?

NO. I HAVE NEVER MODELED.

I AM NOT A DANCER,

AND NO ONE HAS EVER TOLD ME I LOOK LIKE A YOUNG JESSICA SIMPSON.

CAN WE PLEASE GET BACK TO STUDYING?

SORRY.

NOW, THE EFFECTS THAT NASA HAS ON THE--

NOW YOU'RE HOLDING MY HAND.

WHAT, DOES THAT BOTHER YOU?

NOT NEARLY AS MUCH AS WHAT YOU'RE DOING WITH YOUR FOOT.

WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I JUST FIND YOU REALLY SEXY.

LOOK, IT'S NOT THAT I'M NOT FLATTERED

BY YOUR CONSTANT COMPLIMENTING AND OGLING AND...FOOTING

BUT I AM MARRIED, OK? SO, I'M SORRY. WE CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE.

NO, NO, WAIT. IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

OH, RIGHT, IT'S MY FAULT 'CAUSE I'M SO IRRESISTIBLE, RIGHT?

NO, NO. IT WAS YOUR HUSBAND'S FAULT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE PAID ME TO HIT ON YOU

AND MAKE YOU FEEL SEXY.

WHAT?

I JUST REALLY NEEDED THE MONEY. SOMEONE STOLE MY BIKE.

MY HUSBAND PAID YOU TO HIT ON ME?

YEAH. IT WAS REALLY AWKWARD.

OK. UM, STEVE,

THE NEXT TIME WE SEE MY HUSBAND,

I WANT YOU TO HIT ON ME LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER HIT ON ANYONE BEFORE.

OK, NOW THIS IS GETTING WEIRD.

NO, IT'S NOT WEIRD AT ALL. YOU JUST NEED TO STAY PRETTY

AND WEAR SOMETHING THAT'S EASY TO TAKE OFF, OK?

I'LL DO THE REST.

GOOD PLAN. SO WHAT'S IN IT FOR THE KID?

HE GETS TO HIT ON ME AND PASS ECON.

AND I'M BUYIN' HIM A BIKE.

OH, HEY, UNCLE EDDIE.

HOW'D YOU BIT GO LAST NIGHT?

DID YOU KILL?

SOMETHING DIED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I HATE? HOT DOGS.

THEY'RE TOO CONFIDENT.

WHO DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?

I'LL TELL YOU WHO THEY ARE.

IT'S ALL THAT CRAP YOU'D NEVER EAT,

GROUND UP AND STUFFED INTO INTESTINES.

YET THEY SIT THERE ON THE PLATE LIKE, "COME EAT ME!

YOU KNOW YOU WANNA EAT ME!"

YOU'RE NOT EVEN REAL MEAT!

YOU'RE HALFWAY BETWEEN FOOD AND GARBAGE.

HEY, HOT DOGS, EASY ON THE ATTITUDE. WE GET IT!

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT!

I'M GONNA BRING ON YOUR NEXT COMIC.

THIS GUY'S ALMOST AS CONFIDENT AS A HOT DOG.

RIGHT FROM THE ISLE OF STATEN,

LET'S HEAR IT FOR EDDIE THE "F"!

DUDE, YOU STOLE MY BIT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THE HOT DOG THING IS MY BIT.

YOU DO A THING ABOUT SAUSAGES.

SAUSAGES, HOT DOGS. IT'S THE SAME THING.

I LO THIS CHARACTER!

THE WHOLE PARANOID COMIC THING--

OOH, YOU'RE STEALING MY BITS!

EDDIE THE "F"! EDDIE THE "F"!

I'M REALLY SERIOUS.

THAT GUY STOLE MY BIT, AND I GOT NOTHING TO DO NOW.

UH...

FUTONS...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT GUY STOLE OUR JOKE!

WE HAVE TO GET BACK AT HIM!

I ALREADY TOOK CARE OF IT.

AAH!

AAH!

AAH!

WELL, I WAS THINKING WE COULD STEAL ONE OF HIS JOKES,

BUT...YOUR THING WORKED.

SO DOES THIS STRAIGHT LINE MEAN THAT SUPPLY IS ELASTIC OR...

HA HA HA HA! STEVE, YOU'RE SO FUNNY.

[GIGGLING]

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, HI, SEAN. STEVE WAS JUST DRILLING ME.

WHAT?

I WAS JUST ASKING HER QUESTIONS FOR THE ECON EXAM.

HA. RIGHT. ECON. GOOD SAVE.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE SURE DRESSED NICE.

WELL, IT'S ECON. I WANTED TO FEEL SEXY.

WHERE WERE WE?

UM, MONETARY POLICY.

OH, MONETARY POLICY.

HA HA! GOOD SAVE AGAIN!

[LAUGHING]

YOU KNOW, I'M GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF CLAUDIA'S STUDY BUDDY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU PAID A HORNY COLLEGE KID WHO LOOKS LIKE A MODEL

TO HIT ON YOUR WIFE, AND IT SOMEHOW BACKFIRED?

TO HIT ON HER--JUST TO STAY STUFF LIKE, "I LIKE YOUR EYES, MRS. FINNERTY,"

OR, "YOU GOT NICE HAIR," YOU KNOW?

THIS KID IS FEELING HER SUPPLY CURVES ALL UP AND DOWN ON MY COUCH

IN MY HOUSE!

YOU STILL KNOW THAT GUY THAT BREAKS INTO PEOPLE'S HOUSES

AND PUTS FOOD IN THEIR BEDS? NO, I DON'T.

DAMN! OK. I'M GONNA TAKE CARE OF THIS KID.

HEY, SEAN, WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING STUPID,

SHE KNOWS YOU PAID HIM.

WHAT?

YEAH, SO NOW SHE'S GONNA GET HIM A BICYCLE

SO HE'LL HIT ON HER SOME MORE AND MAKE YOU JEALOUS.

WHY WOULD--

WHY WOULD SHE DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. YOU DID SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

NO, WHAT I DID WAS TO MAKE HER FEEL MORE ATTRACTIVE,

TO BE A GOOD HUSBAND. WHAT SHE'S DOING IS SPITEFUL AND WRONG.

SHE JUST WANTS TO RUB MY FACE IN IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT? TWO CAN PLAY THAT GAME, PARTNER.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I GUESS THREE. HIM, HER, AND ME.

HEY, SEAN.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED A FOURTH.

HEY, JIM, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

ACTUALLY, CAN IT WAIT? I'VE GOT A SCIENCENAUTS MEETING. IT'S IMPORTANT.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO. I GOT YOU OUT OF IT.

BRAD, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS, BUT, UM...

I DON'T THINK JIMMY WANTS TO BE A NAUT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

HE SAID IT WAS REALLY BORING.

THAT'S FUNNY, BECAUSE I GOT THE IMPRESSION HE WAS REALLY INTO IT.

A LOT. ACTUALLY, IT WAS KIND OF EMBARRASSING.

BRAD, I'M TELLING YOU, HE WAS REALLY UPSET ABOUT THAT MEETING.

HE CAME HOME AND WENT RIGHT UP TO HIS ROOM AND LOCKED THE DOOR.

HE DIDN'T EVEN COME DOWN FOR DINNER.

ALL RIGHT, I...

GUESS HE'S OUT.

TRUST ME. HE'LL BE MUCH HAPPIER THIS WAY.

WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?

I THOUGHT SCIENCE WASN'T YOUR THING.

NO, IT IS MY THING! I LOVE SCIENCE!

I LOVE WATCHING SCIENCE!

THERE ARE MANY FORCES THAT INFLUENCE THE SUPPLY CURVE--

TELL ME AGAIN.

OH, SEAN, I'M SORRY. ARE WE BOTHERING YOU?

'CAUSE WE COULD GO UP AND STUDY IN THE BEDROOM.

OH, NO, BABE. I'M JUST GONNA READ THE PAPER.

UH, THE FORCES THAT INFLUENCE THE SUPPLY CODE--

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T SEE THAT CHART FROM WAY OVER HERE.

THAT'S BETTER. Sean: HA HA HA HA!

IS IT JUST ME,

OR DOES PEANUTS JUST KEEP GETTING BETTER, HUH?

HA.

STEVE, IS THAT COLOGNE YOU'RE WEARING?

NO. NO.

WOW. I THINK YOU JUST NATURALLY SMELL LIKE THE OCEAN.

OH, WOW, I LOVE THE OCEAN!

LET ME SMELL!

UM, THE SUPPLY CURVE--

OH, MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT, BABY.

IT'S LIKE BEING IN THE BAHAMAS.

STEVE, WHAT IS THIS SHIRT MADE OF?

YEAH, WHAT IS THIS, STEVE? IS THIS COTTON?

I'M NOT SURE!

WHY DON'T I CHECK THE LABEL?

NO, IT'S INSIDE THE SHIRT.

HEY, MY WIFE WANTS TO KNOW, STEVE.

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME DO IT, SEAN?

NO, NO--

I THINK I SHOULD DO IT.

NO, NO, NO, MY WIFE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THE SHIRT'S MADE OF,

STEVIE!

I DON'T NEED A BIKE THIS BADLY.

I'M SORRY, STEVE, THAT I HAVE A HUSBAND WHO IS SUCH AN ASS!

HEY, I'M SORRY, STEVE, THAT MY WIFE

DOESN'T APPRECIATE WHEN HER HUSBAND TRIES TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR HER!

NICE? PAYING GUYS TO HIT ON YOU IS NICE!

BABY, I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL GOOD!

AND I DO! LET ME ASK YOU,

HOW MUCH DID YOU PAY THE PAPER BOY

TO TELL ME I HAD A NICE RACK, HUH?!

I DIDN'T PAY THE PAPERBOY ANYTHING.

TOMORROW I'M TALKING TO HIS MOTHER.

OK, BABY, I'LL APOLOGIZE FOR EMBARRASSING YOU,

BUT I WILL NOT APOLOGIZE FOR TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL PRETTY AND SEXY.

YOU KNOW, HERE'S AN IDEA THAT WON'T COST YOU 50 BUCKS--

HOW ABOUT IF YOU JUST TELL ME THAT YOU THINK I'M BEAUTIFUL?

I DO IT ALL THE TI-- WHAT DID I JUST SAY LAST NIGHT?

YOU SAID, "LET'S DO IT IN THE SHOWER."

THANK YOU!

"LET'S DO IT IN THE SHOWER" IS NOT "YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL."

YOU NEVER TELL ME THAT.

OH, MY GOD, I ALWAYS TELL YOU YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL!

I TELL YOU YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL WHEN YOU LEAVE AND COME IN, WHEN YOU WAKE UP--

THAT DOESN'T EVEN COUNT

BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO SAY THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE MY HUSBAND!

NO, I DON'T, BABY. I SAID IT BECAUSE I MEAN IT.

I MEAN IT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.

REALLY? YEAH! LOOK AT YOU!

YOU'RE A KNOCKOUT!

AND YOU'RE GONNA BE A KNOCKOUT WHEN YOU'RE 9 MONTHS PREGNANT

AND YOU NEED HELP GETTING OUT OF BED AND--AND--AND--

AND WHEN YOU PEE A LITTLE EVERY TIME YOU LAUGH.

THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING.

EVERYTHING EXCEPT THE PEEING PART.

ALL RIGHT. I PROMISE I WILL TRY TO HEAR YOU WHEN YOU SAY THOSE THINGS.

OK. I PROMISE I WON'T PAY GUYS TO HIT ON YOU ANYMORE.

THAT WOULD BE NICE.

HEY, BABY, YOU WANNA GUESS

WHAT FABRIC MY UNDERWEAR IS MADE OUT OF?

YOU DON'T WEAR UNDERWEAR.

DOG STAR, SOLAR WIND, SOMEBODY LET ME IN, PLEASE.

PLEASE, DOG STAR! OH, BRAD. THANK GOD!

LISTEN, I KNOW WHAT LILY SAID ABOUT ME, AND IT'S NOT TRUE, MAN.

I DO WANNA BE A NAUT.

SORRY, JIM. YOU'RE DEAD TO ME.

NO, I'M NOT JIM. I'M "M DWARF"!

PLEASE, COMMANDER, LET ME IN.

JIM, COME ON, WHERE IS YOUR DIGNITY, BUDDY?

I DON'T HAVE ANY! I JUST REALLY WANT TO WATCH THE MOVIE.

NO. WE'RE NOT DOING PHASE 2 TONIGHT.

WE'RE DOING PHASE 3.

WHAT'S PHASE 3?

GENTLEMEN! AND NOW DANCING NEAR THE ERLENMEYER FLASK,

GIVE IT UP FOR THE LOVELY VENUS!

[WHISTLES, CLAPPING]

OH, MY!

SORRY, JIMBO. TIME TO GET SCIENCE-NAUTY.