Original subtitles

WATCH OUT! OOF!

[COUGH, COUGH] LILY, I'M SORRY.

I WAS PLAYING CATCH WITH TAYA.

TAYA? WHERE IS SHE?

[COUGHS] RIGHT THERE.

THROW IT BACK!

I CAN'T REACH!

COME CLOSER!

YOU'RE LUCKY.

YOUR GIRLFRIEND CAN REALLY THROW THINGS FAR!

I KNOW! SHE'S EVEN BETTER AT KICKING.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'VE HEARD,

BUT SHE'S TRYING OUT FOR THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

WOW! SO YOU MAY WIND UP MAKING OUT WITH A FOOTBALL PLAYER.

WHICH IS WEIRD, 'CAUSE THAT WAS ALWAYS ONE OF YOUR FEARS.

HEY, LILY.

HEY, WHAT'S UP, BABE?

WHOO. I'M GONNA GO HIT THE SHOWERS, BABE.

OK, BABE.

BYE.

YOU GOTTA LET ME CLENCH FIRST.

IT'S HOW HOUDINI DIED.

HA.

WELL, YOU TWO ARE QUITE THE AFFECTIONATE COUPLE.

I'M SORRY. IS THAT WEIRD, ME AND TAYA KISSING IN FRONT OF YOU?

NO! I LOVE IT!

I MEAN, YOU GUYS CAN KISS AND TOSS

AND SLAP ASS ALL YOU WANT. IT'S FINE WITH ME.

REALLY? 'CAUSE I DON'T WANT IT TO BE AWKWARD,

YOU KNOW, YOU LIVING RIGHT BETWEEN US.

BRAD, PLEASE. AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

THERE IS NOTHING AWKWARD ABOUT IT.

WE HAVE TO MOVE.

ALL RIGHT. I GUESS WE'D BETTER BUY SOME BOXES AND START PACKING.

YEAH. I'LL CALL THE MOVING COMPANY.

OH, WAIT. WE DON'T HAVE ANOTHER HOUSE.

BUT LILY SAYS WE HAVE TO MOVE.

WELL, WE COULD PUT OUR STUFF IN STORAGE.

LET ME GO THROUGH THE REAL ESTATE SECTION.

[SCREAMS] OH!

UH...EDDIE?

EDDIE!

HEY.

WHERE ARE YOU COMIN' FROM?

THE BASEMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THE BASEMENT?

HANGING OUT.

IN YOUR BATHROBE?

YEAH, YOU KNOW.

OH, MY GOD. I GOT IT. YOU'RE LIVING HERE.

SOMEONE IN HERE?

EDDIE, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

I COULDN'T SLEEP, SO I CAME OVER TO USE THE BATHROOM.

HEY, ED, YOU--

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

RINSING OUT THESE PANS.

SEAN, IS IT OK IF I KEEP MY TERRARIUM HERE?

YEAH, SURE, GO AHEAD.

THIS IS ALL ANECDOTAL EVIDENCE. YOU CAN'T PROVE IT.

GOD, I KNEW IT.

ALL RIGHT, YOUR CASE JUST GOT A LITTLE BIT STRONGER.

YOU'RE KIDDING!

ALL RIGHT, I'M LIVING HERE,

BUT YOU'RE GONNA BE REALLY HAPPY

WHEN YOU FIND OUT WHY.

DID YOU KILL SOMEONE?

I'M SAVING UP TO BUY A HOUSE.

OH, THAT'S GREAT!

YOU GOT EVICTED, DIDN'T YOU?

AND I'M SAVING UP TO BUY A HOUSE.

YEAH, UH, I DON'T KNOW, EDDIE.

YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW I'M HERE.

I'VE BEEN HERE A WEEK ALREADY, AND YOU HAVEN'T EVEN NOTICED.

A WEEK?

YEAH. WHAT'S TODAY? SUNDAY. TOMORROW'S MONDAY. YEAH. 3 WEEKS.

WE CAN'T PUT HIM OUT ON THE STREET.

HE HAS BEEN KINDA QUIET.

JUST HOLD ON! WE HAVE A LOT GOING ON.

WE HAVE A BABY COMING. I'M GOING TO SCHOOL.

I GOTTA SAY NO. I'M SORRY.

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS?

I SHOT A PORN IN YOUR HOUSE, AND YOU DIDN'T OBJECT TO THAT.

WE DIDN'T KNOW.

WHEN WE FOUND OUT, WE KICKED YOU OUT, REMEMBER?

BABY, HE HAS BEEN KINDA QUIET. HE CAN'T BE HOMELESS.

OH!

FINE, FINE. YOU CAN STAY.

BUT I'M SERIOUS, IF HE SCREWS UP,

YOU'RE LIVIN' DOWN HERE WITH HIM.

I GOT IT. I GOT IT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. THE FUTON'S A DOUBLE.

OH, NO, NO, NO. I'M NOT GONNA BE STAYIN' DOWN HERE

BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE COOL, YOU GOT IT?

YEAH, YEAH. I GOT IT.

WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, A TERRARIUM?

YOU GOT A SNAKE OR SOMETHING?

I GOT A SNAKE. IT'S A 6-FOOT BURMESE PYTHON.

NO, YOU HAVE AN EMPTY TERRARIUM.

OH. YOU MIGHT WANNA KEEP THAT DOOR CLOSED.

HEY, BABE, WHERE YOU BEEN ALL DAY?

PICKED UP THE DRY CLEANING, EXCHANGED THE CAR SEAT,

BOUGHT A BATTERY FOR THE PHONE, GROCERIES,

AND FINALLY PICKED UP THIS OLD ROLL OF FILM.

MAN, I AM EXHAUSTED.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA START LETTING ME DO SOME OF THIS STUFF.

WHY? I ALWAYS DO THIS STUFF.

YEAH, BUT YOU'RE PREGNANT NOW

AND IT'S TIME TO SLOW DOWN AND SHARE THE LOAD.

OK. JUST 'CAUSE I'M PREGNANT DOESN'T MEAN I'M INCOMPETENT.

HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN JIMMY AROUND?

OH, DAMN IT! I FORGOT HIM!

I TOOK HIM TO SPORTS SHACK TO BUY SOME WEIGHTS.

I FORGOT TO PICK HIM UP.

OH, GOD.

HEY.

I'M SORRY.

IT'S FINE. I WALKED HOME.

FROM SPORTS SHACK?

HONEY, WHERE ARE YOUR WEIGHTS?

WELL...

THE 15-POUND WEIGHTS ARE ABOUT A BLOCK FROM THE STORE,

AND THEN I GAVE UP THE 10-POUND WEIGHTS A MILE AFTER THAT.

THEN I DRAGGED THAT BAR FOR 2 MILES TILL IT FELL DOWN A GRATE.

HONEY, I'M SO SORRY. I'LL TAKE YOU BACK. WE'LL GET MORE WEIGHTS.

OW--OW.

IT'S FINE.

I THINK I'M DONE LIFTING WEIGHTS.

OH, GOD, I FEEL HORRIBLE.

THAT'S IT. I'M GONNA START DOING MORE AROUND HERE.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HELP ME, ALL RIGHT? I JUST FORGOT ONE THING!

YEAH, OUR SON.

AND HE CAME BACK!

IT WAS JUST ONE LITTLE LAPSE, REALLY. I'M FINE.

ARE YOU WEARING 2 DIFFERENT SHOES?

YES, I AM.

I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT TAYA'S TRYING OUT FOR THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

TOTALLY. I HOPE SHE MAKES IT.

HA HA. WELL, THIS MAY JUST BE THE FEMINIST IN ME,

BUT I THINK SHE'S SETTING US BACK 20 YEARS.

HOW?

IT'S OBVIOUS.

SHE TRIES OUT FOR THE FOOTBALL TEAM,

THEN A GUY TRIES OUT FOR THE DANCE SQUAD.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, WE'RE BAREFOOT AND PREGNANT,

WATCHING OUR HUSBANDS DANCE AT A PEP RALLY.

SUSAN B. ANTHONY DID NOT GIVE UP HER SEAT ON THE BUS

FOR THAT.

I'M NOT SURE THAT'S RIGHT.

TRUST ME! IT IS.

NOW, WE'VE A PEP RALLY TO GET READY FOR,

SO LET'S WORK IT.

I'M NOT SURE HOW TAYA--

I SAID WORK IT!

IS THE DISHWASHER RUNNING? NO. WHY?

THERE'S NO HOT WATER.

OH, YEAH. I TOOK A COLD SHOWER THIS MORNING.

I MEANT TO CALL THE PLUMBER. I FORGOT.

BEFORE YOU DO, LET ME CHECK THE WATER HEATER IN THE BASEMENT.

HEY, GIRLS.

DAD, I HAVE GUESTS!

I KNOW. OH, HEY, GINA,

DID YOUR DAD GET THAT SHED BUILT?

DAD, WE ARE VERY BUSY!

SO AM I.

DO YOU HAVE A PEP RALLY TO GET READY FOR?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO.

* SPIRIT, SPIRIT

DAD, STOP IT!

I'M GOING!

WHAT, YOU DON'T KNOCK?

YEAH, SORRY TO BARGE INTO MY OWN HOUSE LIKE THIS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HOT WATER HEATER'S BUSTED.

NO, IT'S FINE. I TURNED IT OFF.

WHY WOULD YOU TURN IT OFF?

BECAUSE IT WAS TOO NOISY. ALL THAT CLANGING--

IT WAS GIVING ME DREAMS ABOUT ROBOTS.

LOOK, I CAN'T TELL CLAUDIA SHE CAN'T TAKE A SHOWER

'CAUSE YOU'RE HAVING ROBOT DREAMS.

FINE. JUST TELL ME WHEN SHE'S TAKING A SHOWER, AND I'LL TURN IT BACK ON.

HOW ABOUT THIS, IF THIS IS MORE CONVENIENT FOR YOU--

SHE CAN RUN THROUGH THE SPRINKLERS.

THAT'S BETWEEN YOU AND HER.

ALL RIGHT, WATCH IT, PAL, 'CAUSE YOUR ASS ISN'T THE ONLY ONE

THAT'S ON THE LINE HERE.

SHE'S AFTER ME, TOO!

SORRY.

THIS IS NO WAY TO LIVE.

HEY, DID YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT WAS WRONG?

OH, YEAH, UH, THERE WAS JUST A CARBON POLOXIDE BUILDUP

ON THE FLUX INTAKE VALVE, SO I CHIPPED IT OFF.

I HEARD LIE, LIE, LIE, I CHIPPED IT OFF.

ALL RIGHT. THE NOISE WAS BOTHERING EDDIE--

SO HE TURNED OFF OUR WATER HEATER?

OK. THAT'S STRIKE ONE.

I KNOW. THAT'S WHAT I TOLD HIM.

HE'S NOT GONNA DO IT AGAIN,

CERTAINLY NOT 2 MORE TIMES.

JIMMY, LISTEN, I'M SO SORRY

I FORGOT TO PICK YOU UP.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

DRIVE ME TO MY CLASS PICNIC TOMORROW

SO I DON'T HAVE TO CARRY ALL THAT MACARONI SALAD.

OH, DAMN IT, THE MACARONI SALAD.

DID YOU FORGET TO MAKE IT?

NO, NO, I DIDN'T FORGET.

I JUST HAVE TO GO BUY ALL THE INGREDIENTS AND COOK IT.

BABY, IF IT'S TOO MUCH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

IT'S NOT TOO MUCH. JUST 'CAUSE I'M PREGNANT

DOES NOT MEAN EVERYTHING GRINDS TO A HALT, OK?

I CAN MAKE MACARONI SALAD FOR MY SON'S CLASS PICNIC.

HOW MANY KIDS ARE THERE GONNA BE, JIM, LIKE 25?

NO. IT'S MY WHOLE GRADE, SO, LIKE, 90.

OH. PERFECT.

90? YOU'RE GONNA COOK FOR 90 KIDS?

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND? I THOUGHT YOU WERE EXHAUSTED.

I AM. IT'S FINE, THOUGH, OK? I MAKE THE MACARONI SALAD EVERY YEAR,

AND THERE'S NO REASON THIS YEAR SHOULD BE DIFFERENT.

YEAH, BECAUSE YOU'RE PREGNANT THIS YEAR. THAT'S WHY IT'S DIFFERENT.

LET ME HELP. LET ME COOK.

NO, THANK YOU. COOKING IS NOT YOUR STUFF.

COOKING IS MY STUFF. THAT IS YOUR STUFF. WHAT?

THAT. YOU WANNA SHIFT YOUR TOWEL A LITTLE BIT THERE, SPANKY?

OH, SORRY.

HEY, GUYS!

CUT, CUT!

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

BRAD, WE'RE A LITTLE BIT BUSY.

I KNOW, I KNOW. I PROMISE, THIS WON'T TAKE LONG.

WE HAVE GREAT NEWS!

ACTUALLY, TAYA HAS GREAT NEWS.

NO, NO, NO. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TELL IT.

ARE YOU SURE, BABE? IT'S YOUR NEWS.

OK. WE'LL TELL IT TOGETHER.

STOP IT AND TELL THE DAMN NEWS!

OK. WELL, I--

TAYA'S THE NEW KICKER ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM!

OH, MY GOD! AAH!

WELL, THAT'S GREAT NEWS. OK, FROM THE TOP.

THAT'S AMAZING!

IT'S GOOD FOR ME, TOO. GOOD-BYE, SCIENCE GEEK.

HELLO, FOOTBALL PLAYER'S BOYFRIEND!

[LAUGHING, TALKING]

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

MOM, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

OK, MAKE IT QUICK.

OK. FIRST OF ALL, I DON'T CARE ABOUT BRAD

AND I DON'T CARE THAT HE HAS A NEW GIRLFRIEND.

AND I DON'T CARE THAT SHE MADE THE STUPID FOOTBALL TEAM

AND EVERYBODY LOVES HER 'CAUSE SHE'S SO FRICKIN' HISTORIC!

SO YOU DON'T CARE.

OF COURSE I CARE! WEREN'T YOU LISTENING?

LILY, I'M TRYING TO DECIDE WHICH SPEECH TO GIVE YOU

BECAUSE I HAVE TO MAKE MACARONI SALAD FOR 90 KIDS

AND I ONLY HAVE A LIMITED AMOUNT OF TIME,

SO I'M GONNA GO WITH THIS ONE AND HOPE THAT IT APPLIES.

OK. YOU NEED TO BE THE BIGGER PERSON

AND GO OUT THERE AND BE HAPPY FOR HER.

JUST BECAUSE EVERYONE'S NOTICING TAYA NOW

DOES NOT MEAN THEY STOP NOTICING WHAT A STAR YOU ARE ON THE DANCE SQUAD.

SO YOU GO OUT THERE AND YOU SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU,

'CAUSE IT'S WHAT I GAVE YA.

AND IF YOU ARE DANCING YOUR HEART OUT,

NO ONE'S GONNA EVEN NOTICE THAT AMAZON AND HER LONG LEGS.

YOU NOTICED HER LEGS?

YES! AND HOW GROSS THEY ARE.

THEY ARE WAY TOO LONG.

THANKS, MOM.

SO NOW THAT TAYA'S ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM,

I WAS THINKING I COULD JOIN THE DANCE SQUAD.

I'VE BEEN WORKING ON MY KRUMPING. CHECK IT.

BRAD, NO KRUMPING.

OK? BREAK'S OVER, GIRLS.

[MOANING]

I'M SORRY. TAYA, WE'RE ALL VERY PROUD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENT,

BUT YOU AND KRUMPY ARE GONNA HAVE TO LEAVE.

WE HAVE A DANCE TO PRACTICE.

ACTUALLY, LILY, SINCE THIS IS SO HISTORIC,

WE WERE THINKING WE'D MAKE OUR DANCE IN HONOR OF TAYA!

YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT.

AND WE WON'T.

WHY NOT?

BECAUSE WE ALREADY HAVE A ROUTINE,

AND IT'S TOO LAST-MINUTE.

SO WE'LL CHANGE IT. WE STILL HAVE ALL NIGHT TO PRACTICE.

YEAH! YEAH, LET'S DO IT!

[CLAMORING]

FINE! FINE, FINE.

WE WILL DO A SPECIAL DANCE FOR TAYA.

ALL RIGHT!

NO KRUMPING, BRAD!

[VOICES IN CONVERSATION]

ED! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

I'M HAVING A FUND-RAISER TO GENERATE SOME CASH FOR MY NEW PLACE.

YOU CAN'T HAVE FUND-RAISERS HERE, MAN.

WELL, NOW YOU'RE JUST MAKING UP RULES AS YOU GO ALONG.

YOU ARE PUTTING ME IN A ROUGH SPOT!

YOU GOT THAT?

YOU SAW CLAUDIA. SHE WASN'T JUST WARNING YOU. SHE WAS WARNING ME.

AND IF SHE FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS THING, SHE'S GONNA--

YOU'RE RIGHT.

MMM! THIS IS GOOD!

YEAH, I MADE 'EM. I'LL GIVE YOU THE RECIPE.

THANKS. YOU BETTER STOP SCREWING UP, MAN.

I SWEAR... THIS IS THE LAST THING.

IT BETTER BE.

DO I DETECT A HINT OF PAPRIKA?

JUST A TOUCH.

IT'S NICE.

WHOA, BABE, THAT'S A LOTTA LAUNDRY.

SAME AMOUNT I ALWAYS DO.

CAN I HELP?

NO. 'CAUSE YOU BALL UP ALL THE UNDERWEAR

AND GET IT ALL WRINKLY.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF UNDERWEAR--

WHEN YOU WEAR IT, YOU DE-WRINKLE IT THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

I'M IRONING A PAIR RIGHT NOW.

[CHUCKLING] WHAT ARE YOU EATING?

IS THAT A DEVILED EGG?

UH--IT COULD BE.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

UH...THE BASEMENT.

YOU'RE EATING DEVILED EGGS FROM THE BASEMENT?

BUT I WOULDN'T GO DOWN THERE. THEY'RE NOT VERY GOOD.

WHAT IS HE DOING NOW?

BABY, HE'S NOT-- HE'S JUST-- COME ON.

BABY, BABY, BABY, COME ON, COME ON.

HE'S HAVING A LITTLE DEVILED EGGS THING DOWNSTAIRS.

THAT CAN'T BE A STRIKE, CAN IT?

YO...WE'RE HERE FOR THE FUND-RAISER.

UH...DOWN THE HALL,

TO YOUR LEFT.

STRIKE 2?

OH, YEAH. MM-HMM. ONE MORE...

I KNOW. I KNOW HOW IT GOES.

HEY, JIMMY. SISTER HELEN, WHAT'S GOING ON?

I JUST HAD THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE.

THANKS, MOM.

WHAT DID I DO?

OH, LET'S JUST SAY YOUR CONTRIBUTION TO THE PICNIC

WAS FELT BY EVERYONE! [SNIFF]

SOMETIMES I THINK THAT IF WE'D JUST LISTEN TO THE HOMELESS,

WE'D SEE THAT THEY REALLY HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS.

SISTER HELEN, I THINK I'M GONNA--

AAH! WATCH THE SHOES!

KAREN, GET THE JANITOR!

TELL HIM TO GET OUT THE SAWDUST RESERVES!

MY GOD!

WHAT IS GOING ON AROUND HERE?!

KIDS, LISTEN TO ME!

DO NOT EAT JIMMY FINNERTY'S MOTHER'S MACARONI SALAD!

I REPEAT--JIMMY FINNERTY'S MOTHER'S MACARONI SALAD

WILL MAKE YOU SICK!!

I--I'M SO SORRY, JIMMY.

I JUST WANNA GO CHANGE MY UNDERWEAR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR UNDERWEAR?

I--I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

WELL, THANKS FOR YOUR HELP, MRS. FINNERTY.

OH, AND FOR THE CHRISTMAS POT LUCK,

SHOULD I PUT YOU DOWN FOR RAW CHICKEN

OR WOULD YOU JUST LIKE TO BRING YOUR CAR AND RUN OVER A FEW KIDS?

OK. I GET IT, SISTER. I'LL TRY TO BE MORE CAREFUL.

BABY, YOU DO NOT HAVE TO TAKE THAT.

SEAN, IT'S OK.

NO, IT IS NOT OK!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOUR DAYS ARE LIKE, SISTER HELEN, OK,

BUT MY WIFE HAS TO MANAGE A HOUSE, RAISE KIDS,

WORK A JOB, GO TO SCHOOL-- ALL WITHOUT ANY HELP FROM ME.

AND NOW SHE'S PREGNANT.

SEAN, IT'S OK. NO, IT'S NOT OK.

AND SHE COOKED 30 POUNDS OF MACARONI SALAD FOR YOU.

AND SO WHAT? WHAT DOES SHE GET? A FEW KIDS GOT SICK.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SICK OF?

THE LACK OF APPRECIATION FOR HER!

SHE'S A WOMAN--

I DIDN'T MAKE THE MACARONI SALAD.

...WHO DID NOT MAKE THE MACARONI SALAD!

WHAT?

IT WAS LATE. I WAS TIRED.

PICKLES, PICKLES.

PICKLES...

WE'RE GONNA NEED MORE TUBS OVER HERE!

YOU BOUGHT IT AT A GAS STATION?

SLASH MINI-MART.

SO YOU POISONED THE CHILDREN WITH EVEN LESS EFFORT THAN I THOUGHT.

PRETTY MUCH.

[SIGHS] WELL, I BETTER GET GOING.

I STILL HAVE 4 OF YOUR VICTIMS

DRY-HEAVING IN THE BACK OF MY ASTROVAN.

OH! HA. SISTER HELEN.

LILY.

I WAS TOO BUSY MOPPING UP AT THE PICNIC

TO THANK YOU FOR RUINING OUR CHANCES OF MAKING THE PLAYOFFS THIS YEAR.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

UH, LILY,

WHAT'S SHE TALKING ABOUT?

HA. WELL, SHE WANTED TO THANK ME.

AND SHE DID, SO IT'S ALL GOOD.

LILY, WHAT HAPPENED?

BRAD'S STUPID GIRLFRIEND GOT ME KICKED OFF THE DANCE SQUAD.

SINCE JASON'S GOING TO BE STARTING QUARTERBACK THIS SEASON,

I DECORATED HIS CAR WITH STREAMERS.

I FILLED TAYA'S LOCKER WITH CONFETTI.

SO WHAT DO WE WEAR TO THE GAMES, YOU KNOW?

THANK YOU, DANCE SQUAD.

AT THIS POINT, I WOULD LIKE TO ASK EVERYONE

TO RAISE THE ROOF!

WHOO! WHOO!

COME ON, GIVE IT UP, HUH?

AS WE ALL KNOW,

THIS YEAR, ST. FINNIAN'S FOOTBALL TEAM

HAS A NEW SECRET WEAPON!

[CHEERING]

Chanting: TAYA, TAYA, TAYA!

Coach: SHE IS THE FIRST FEMALE EVER

TO DON A LION'S UNIFORM!

SO GIVE IT UP FOR TAYA!

MARSHALL! TAYA MARSHALL! COME ON, TAYA!

I THINK IT'S SPRAINED.

WHY? WHY?!

YOU TRIPPED HER?

WELL, WHAT WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO?

NOT TRIP HER.

IF I'D THOUGHT OF THAT, I MIGHT HAVE GONE THAT WAY.

WHAT HAPPENED TO BEING THE BIGGER PERSON?

WHY IS EVERYBODY SO OBSESSED WITH BEING THE BIGGER PERSON?

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING THE SMALLER PERSON?

DOESN'T ANYBODY ROOT FOR THE UNDERDOG ANYMORE?

THIS IS SO MY FAULT.

HOW? HOW IS THIS YOUR FAULT?

LILY CAME TO ME FOR ADVICE YESTERDAY, AND I HALF-ASSED IT

BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY HALF-ASSING JIMMY'S MACARONI SALAD.

HEY, HEY. LILY IS INSANE, OK?

SO IT WOULDN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE IF YOU FULL-ASSED IT.

THE WHOLE JIMMY'S STUFF, MAYBE YOU COULD HAVE PREVENTED THAT,

BUT YOU WERE WORKING SO HARD. YOU WERE TRYING.

THEN I HAVE TO TRY HARDER.

NO, YOU HAVE TO TRY LESS. YOU'RE 3 MONTHS PREGNANT.

THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO TRY HARDER,

BECAUSE I HAVE TO DO ALL THE THINGS I USED TO DO

PLUS GET READY FOR THE BABY.

NO, YOU GOTTA REST AND TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

AND TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME WHILE I'M STILL USEFUL,

BECAUSE ONCE THE BABY COMES, I'M... PRETTY MUCH USELESS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

BABY, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, THE BABY WAKES UP...

YOU KNOW, WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

I CAN'T FEED HIM. I DON'T HAVE THE NECESSARY-- YOU KNOW.

SO YOU GET UP AND YOU CHANGE HIS DIAPER AND ROCK HIM TO SLEEP--

YEAH, AND 2 HOURS LATER WHEN HE CRIES AGAIN,

YOU PRETEND TO BE ASLEEP,

AND I GET UP AGAIN AND FEED HIM AGAIN.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WHY ARE WE CALLING HIM A "HE"?

IT MIGHT BE A GIRL.

WE COULD HAVE ANOTHER LILY.

OH, GOD. YOU'D BETTER GO GET SOME SLEEP.

I'M JUST GONNA GO CLEAN THIS BOWL--

NO, NO. I GOT IT.

IT'S DISGUSTING--

I KNOW. YOU GO TO BED.

THANKS, BABE.

BABY, I GOT IT, OK? TAKE ADVANTAGE OF ME.

MOMMY GO TO SLEEP AND DADDY CLEAN.

HEY, UNCLE EDDIE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I THINK IT'S FINALLY OVER BETWEEN ME AND BRAD.

HE'S TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH HIS NEW GIRLFRIEND.

BUT IN 20 YEARS, YOU WON'T EVEN REMEMBER ANY OF THIS.

OH, YES, I WILL.

THERE WAS THIS GIRL I DATED IN HIGH SCHOOL...

JEN FULCHER.

SHE TOTALLY BROKE MY HEART.

SHE CHEATED ON ME WITH 2 OF MY BEST FRIENDS...

AT THE SAME TIME.

ACTUALLY, IT WAS KINDA HOT.

BUT IT HURT LIKE HELL.

YOU NEVER THINK ABOUT HER ANYMORE?

YEAH, OBVIOUSLY, I STILL THINK ABOUT HER.

I JUST TOLD THE STORY, BUT...

BUT EVERY DAY I THINK ABOUT IT A LITTLE BIT LESS,

AND THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN WITH YOU AND BRAD.

REALLY?

THERE ARE TONS OF PEOPLE OUT THERE FOR YOU.

JUST DON'T BE LIKE JEN FULCHER. TAKE 'EM ONE AT A TIME.

THANK YOU, UNCLE EDDIE.

OH, MY GOD, DID I LEAVE THAT DOOR OPEN THE WHOLE TIME?

I DON'T KNOW. WHY?

I DON'T WANT BRUNO TO GET OUT.

WHO'S BRUNO?

Claudia: SNAAAAAAAKE!

SEE YA.

Claudia: STRIKE 3!!