Original subtitles

In Three Contributions to the Theory of Sex, Freud wrote...

about the fantasies and Illnesses of disturbed sex.

His theory is that life falls into four phases: Oral, Anal, Phallic and Genital.

Sexual hang-ups involve a fixation at one phase.

This film is designed in a broad and humorous way to illustrate a psychiatrist's...

treatment of a girl, and his use of a ploy and the power of suggestion to overcome...

that fixation and the ultimate maturation of the girl into the genital phase.

The use of the power of suggestion in the sexual evolution of the girl...

is based on fables written about by Wilhelm Jensen in the famous GRADIVA.

Helen, I'm home. - Linda? I'm in here, hon.

That's a pretty site.

I really hope I'm not interrupting.

No, not at all. They are your groceries too.

Give me a hand putting them away, will you hon?

I really want another cigarette, will you hon?

Mind if I smoke while your 'eating'?

No, not at all.

Where are you going, love?

I'm gonna slide off another bannister.

Think he wants some warm supper.

Boy, that was good.

Why don't you take a dip, it will cool you off.

No, maybe later. - Got any more lotion?

Love? - What?

Suntan oil. - Oh, here.

You alright? - Yeah I'm fine, what makes you say that?

You, the way you're acting. You've been moping around all day.

It's us, me, the way we live.

What the hell is wrong with the way we live?

With my alimony check and your old man's allowance, we'll do alright.

Who's got it better? - Alright, what are you doing tonight?

I don't know, dinner, probably go to the Dogs.

With whom? - You know. What's his name?

There, that's it. I'll never forget what's his name.

Look Helen, there's got to be more to life than just screwing around.

Boy, you sound like you're ready to settle down.

The house, the kids and all that.

But not for me, Love. I've been to that place.

That's just it. I can't get married.

I know of at least a half a dozen guys that would just jump at the chance to marry you.

It wouldn't work. I would be miserable and make him miserable too.

Why?

Sex.

Sex? - Yes, I don't enjoy it.

What do you mean you don't enjoy it? - Alright, that's not all together right.

It makes me feel so tingly all over, and then... - And then what?

Nothing. There should be more to sex than a lot of little tingles.

There should be bells ringing, dams bursting, bombs going off, something.

Do you want to get off or do you want to wreck a city?

Helen please, be serious.

Then you've never gotten off? - No.

Never? - Never.

Oh, what the hell honey. Different strokes to different folks.

Maybe you're not doing it right.

How do you mean? How many ways are there?

There is a lot more to fucking than just bam bam thank you ma'am.

You have to find what is right for you. - How?

Experimenting. What do you say, we get a bunch of guys up here?

Someone's got to get your bells ringing, OK?

OK, the way I feel, I'll try anything.

Hi, how are you? - Fine, how are you?

Good. We're not late or anything, are we? - No, you're just in time.

You'll have number 11.

You'll have 12.

Just have a drink, sit down, relax until your number is called.

What are we doing, holding a raffle here? - I never win anything anyway.

Don't worry honey, everybody gets a piece of this action. - Promise?

Who has number 11?

Come with me, you're next.

I can't handle it, man. You should have been here 2 minutes ago.

How about you?

Anybody left?

What's a nice joint like you doing in a girl like this?

How did you get here?

Well listen, honey. You called me, I didn't call you.

Some days nothing seems to go right.

Well, what now? - I don't know. How many was it?

14. Not counting those that wouldn't cry.

That's terrible English. - All right, those who came twice.

Well, since it's your idea, what am I gonna do?

You didn't get off once?

Sure I did, a hundred times, and it was great, but...

But what?

Not real, you know like: Bells ringing and dams bursting and bombs going off.

There you go again. You wanna get off or destroy a city?

Please Helen, get serious.

What can I do? - I don't know, let me think.

How about... - What?

Dr. Young. - A doctor?

A psychiatrist. A real thing, but as horny as hell.

He might be able to do the trick. - I don't understand.

Well, you might have a mental block. Or something.

A mental block? - A hang up...

A block. Where you wanna do something, your brain says like, you know...

...you can't do that, because of an old pattern that was developing.

Well it's, it's really quite common.

Perhaps you've had a traumatic experience as a child.

No, I do not think so.

Nothing unpleasant that could have possibly turned you off to sex? When you were younger?

You're getting me all wet, please stop it. - Oh, I'm sorry. Nurse!

Nurse, Miss Lovelace is done with her bubbles.

Hmm, nothing turns you off to sex.

Listen Doctor, please, I'm not turned off to sex.

I enjoy it. In fact I can spend the rest of my life getting laid.

Well then, what's the problem? - I don't know, something's missing.

Something is missing? - Yes.

There should be more to it than a lot of little tingles.

I wanna hear bells, bombs. And dams bursting.

Rockets red glare. - Bombs bursting in air.

Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there.

Doctor, please be serious. - Nurse! Nurse!

Take that away.

There's your problem.

You say that you want more out of sex than just a lot of little tingles.

Yes, I want to hear bells and bombs.

Yes, we've just been through that, miss Lovelace, let's not do that one again.

You know, I think your problem might be physical, in stead of psychological.

Have you ever had an internal examination?

No, I don't think so.

Step into my examination room, I wanna take a look at you.

We will have a look at you.

Oh, miss Lovelace, those will have to go.

Nurse, sterilization please.

That will be all, thank you.

Let's have a look. Let's lift your leg.

Oh, that's amazing!

Would you tell me, somebody forgot his watch, huh?

No, no no. It's truly amazing!

Miss Lovelace, you don't have one.

Of course not, I am a woman, I'm not supposed to have one

No, I don't mean one of those, I mean, well you...

You don't have a clitoris. There is no clitoris here.

Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure, here, take a look.

Well, I'll be damned.

Hmm, no wonder you hear no bells. You have no tinkler!

That's not funny!

Now now, Miss Lovelace, please. Try to compose yourself.

Tell me something... When you get laid, that is when you have sexual intercourse...

what excites you on the most?

Giving head. - Really, giving head?

What do you feel? - Sort of excited.

Where?

You'll laugh. - No no, miss Lovelace, I won't laugh.

I get excited...

here.

Come, missis Lovelace, let me have a look in there. Open your mouth.

Open your mouth wider. Wider, A A A A A.

Well, there it is. You little bugger! There it is!

What? - Your clitoris is deep down in the bottom of your throat.

Listen, having a clitoris deep down in the bottom of your throat is better than having no clitoris at all.

That's easy for you to say.

Suppose your balls were in your ears.

Then I should hear myself coming.

Listen, we have the problem solved. All we have to do now is find a solution.

Like what?

Like... Deep Throat.

Deep what? - Throat.

Have you ever taken a penis all the way down to the bottom of your throat?

No, I try, but I choke. - Well, now I hear it's a matter of discipline.

You have to learn to relax the muscles...

You have to regulate your breathing to the movement of your head.

You make it sound so easy. - Well, it is!

Try it. You'll like it. - Well, what have I got to lose?

Come, you try it with me.

Come, dear.

Now I'm gonna tell you, the way it has to be.

And if you pay attention I'm sure that you will see.

Just relax your muscles and once you hit that spot.

Keep right on pushing and give it all you got.

Now we've found your tinkler the solution is quite clear

For if we both can hit it now the bells you'll surely hear.

Oh, Dr. Young, how could I ever repay you? You saved my life.

I'm a fulfilled woman. I've heard the bells at last.

Oh, Dr. Young, marry me. I want to be your slave.

Linda, I can't marry you. - What do you mean, you can't marry me?

My nurse, she won't let me. And how much...

Deep throat do you think I can take?

Oh no, you're not getting off that easy. You've shown me the way.

And now you wanna throw me out on the street to go from one man to another?

What, are you are crazy? It's all your fault. Don't you understand? I need it. I need Love.

Calm down. Listen, I'm not throwing you out. You can find your love and happiness.

In the meantime, you can come to work for me here in the office and make some house calls.

I don't understand. - You don't have to...

That is... I'll make you a physiotherapist.

I don't know anything about physio...

I'll teach you, I'll teach you.

Would you really, Dr. Young? When do we start? - Right now, if you like.

Oh, the sooner the better. Will I need anything?

Just a uniform. - No equipment?

Linda, you were born with all the equipment you will ever need.

I'd like to teach you all to screw in perfect harmony.

I'd like to see you all get laid.

I'd like to see you all get laid but leave a piece for me

Case 358. Albert Finster. Age 25, bachelor.

Has an obsession in finding out that really do go better with coke.

Relax your muscles, my dear.

Try a little trick please don't think less of me

I'd like to drink a little coke where you used to be

Now, it's the real thing come, lick my straw

It's the real thing now baby come and ask for more

Case 653. Jacob Maltz. Age 52. He's a widower, no children.

Has not had sexual intercourse since his passed away 3 years ago.

And refuses to go to bed with anybody until he's married.

He has recently developed severe pains in the groin

believed pains to be a result of sexual abstinence.

I've sent my therapist over, miss Linda Lovelace, to relieve the pain.

Tell me Mr. Maltz, how do you feel now?

Wonderful. I haven't felt this good since my poor Sarah passed away.

I'm so glad.

You don't know how good it makes me feel, to know that I've been of some help to you.

You're an angel. You've helped me. Maybe you can give me a treatment like that, 2 or 3 times a week?

I'll be glad to, Mr. Maltz.

But are you sure you can afford it? These are expensive treatments, you know.

Don't worry, money is no object. Look, I got Blue Cross.

Case 007. Dr. Young, that is old Dr. Young

Trying to ball two nurses simultaneously. Can't go on.

How much of this deep throat do you think I can take?

Wounded in the line of duty. Near death.

Case 218. Wilbur Wayne. 26.

Heir to the Wayne Hula Hoop fortune.

Exceptionally shy and retiring.

He's only aroused when he feels he is overpowering his partner.

He assumes the role of a burglar, and likes to believe he's raping his victim.

I believe Linda Lovelace is ideally suited to bring him out of this dilemma.

Also, if she is attracted to him, they would be well suited to each other.

How is that? - Oh, just fine dear.

I need a big strong man.

Who are you? What do you want?

This is a stickup. Your money, or your life.

Oh please, don't hurt me. You can have anything you want, but don't hurt me.

Here, but please, don't hurt me.

No, I'm gonna to rape you. Don't cry out. I've got this gun.

OK, but please, don't hurt me.

Oh no! You're supposed to be frightened.

I'm sorry, Wilbur.

Let's do it again. I'll do it better this time.

Well, you always spoil it. Don't want me to have any fun.

You're so masterful, Wilbur. I just can't help myself.

I get all weak when you come here with that mask and all.

Come on Wilbur, let's go to bed. You've got me all hot.

Oh, OK. But remember, I'm raping you.

If you don't do everything I say, I'm gonna shoot ya.

OK, masked marvel. Anything you say. You know I do anything for you.

Would you really? You're not just saying that?

No, I mean it, really. You've got me all tingly inside.

I love you Linda, marry me?

I'll make you happy. Please.

Oh Wilbur, I like you, but I can't marry you.

Why can't you marry me? Don't you believe I love you?

It's not just that, I believe you. It's just, well...

well... the man I marry has to...

The man I marry has to have a 9 inch cock.

Oh, I see, in that case I don't blame you for not wanting me.

Wilbur, It's my fault, not yours.

It's always something. All my life. Something has always messed me up.

Just think, I'm only 4 inches away from happiness.

It's Dr. Young's fault. - Yeah, that Dr. Young.

Hey Wilbur, why don't you give him a call? Maybe he can do something.

You know, like an operation or some silicone injections.

You really think so?

Maybe. It's worth the try. Come on, give him a call.

Hello, Dr. Young, it's Wilbur. Yes, you've gotta help me.

I'm in love. With Linda. We want to get married.

Thank you. There is only one problem she needs a 9 inch cock.

Doctor, please help me?

I'm only 4 inches away from happiness.

You can?

Any size I want?

Tomorrow?

Oh, wonderful, wonderful. I'll see you then, thank you.

He said he could do it. He can cut it at any size you want.