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(PANTING)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

(SCREAMING)

* He's Mr Success He's higher than high

* He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie

* He's king of the hill He's top of the heap

* He's Mr Unique He's not Mr Chic

* From the shine on his shoe to the stars in his eye

* If he were a girl, he'd be Princess Di

* Whoa!

* He's Mr Success He's higher than high

* He's sweeter than the sweetest cherry pie

* He's king of the hill He's top of the heap

* He's Mr Unique. He's not Mr Chic *

-(KNOCKING) -PINKWORTH: Come.

PINKWORTH: Ah, Bottle.

Enter ye, enter ye.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, and thanks for sending your limo, sir.

Oh, pish! Sit ye, sit ye.

-Cigar? -Oh, no...

Oh, come on. Take ye, take ye.

Excellent.

Well, Bottle, you had quite a day yesterday, didn't you?

Not bad, sir. Better than a hefty kick in the trousers.

Oh, come on. Boast ye, boast ye!

Due to your ability to ferret out great works of art

in the country houses of some mad, short-sighted, old sock knitters,

you've made this firm £50,000,000 in clear profit.

Well, not quite, sir. Not once we've paid the old ladies back their share.

Oh, yes.

Now, I wanted to talk to you about this, Bernard.

Do you mind if I call you Bernard?

No, sir. Bernie, if you like.

Yes.

Well, the fact is

Bernard, I haven't quite mastered this refund bit.

Elucidate ye.

BERNARD: Well, sir,

I bought the paintings for a song,

but I always said that if they turned out to be really valuable,

we'd pay the owners back properly.

Obviously not the full amount, because if we hadn't found them,

the old ladies in question wouldn't have got anything.

That's a good point, Bernard.

That's a fully-fledged bastard of a good point.

Yes, so, now that we've sold them,

I thought we'd return half the money to the lovely old birds.

Oh, I see. Excellent!

So, you're suggesting we return £25,000,000 to the aforementioned old bats,

and keep a cool 25 mil for ourselves?

That's the ticket, sir.

And I've got list of some other old ladies

who might have the odd Gainsborough tucked away in their attic.

-Have you? -BERNARD: Yes.

Good. Good.

I like the cut of your jib, Bottle.

I've been watching you

and I've thinking about your future with the firm.

-Thank you, sir. -PINKWORTH: Yes.

I'm already assessing the prospects for the staff

and so, naturally, my thoughts have turned to you.

Have they, sir?

Yes, they have, Bernard, and I've made a big decision.

And what's that, sir?

You're fired.

Sorry, sir?

Fired, Bottle. I sack ye.

I want you and your philanthropic little arse out of this building pronto

or I'll have you arrested for loitering

and probably throw a charge of sexual harassment into the bargain.

I'm not with you, sir.

Not any more, you're not.

And if I have anything to do with it,

you won't be with anyone else either.

Miss Temple, take a letter.

I want it circulated to everyone in the art world,

including Gilbert and George.

Dearest darlings,

I write to warn you against employing a Mr B Bottle,

whom I've just caught attempting to steal...

Notice "steal" there, Bottle.

£25,000,000 from me.

Don't even interview him.

He has just left my office,

and suddenly my gold fountain pen has disappeared.

I'm therefore yours, in crayon.

PS I've just dropped in on my secretary, who looks distinctly harassed, sexually.

I think you get the message, Bottle.

Yes, sir.

Not a very nice message.

No. It's a true blue stinker.

Farewell, Bottle.

And never darken our doors again.

This is a profit-making organisation, not help the aged.

Wait a minute. This isn't just a lovely joke

before you promote me to head of department, is it, sir?

No.

Oh.

Right, bugger ye off!

* He's Mr No Good He's Mr Depressed

* His butt has been kicked His life's in a mess

* He's Mr Despair He's Mr Bad Luck

* He's Mr Hedgehog under Mr Truck *

(TYRES SCREECHING)

Home early, sir? Did they give you the day off as a reward?

Well, no. Actually, Kepple, they fired me.

-Oh, no, sir. -Oh, yes, Kepple.

I make them a fortune and they blooming well kicked me out.

That's terrible, sir. Exactly the same thing happened to me.

I used to work for this big oil firm.

I discovered the formula for a new kind of petrol,

cleaner, cheaper, more efficient, kinder to the environment.

Handed it in, the next day they fired me.

I never saw a penny of the profits.

-Is that true, Kepple? -No, sir, it's not.

-Not true? -No, sir. It's a total lie, sir.

I thought it might cheer you up.

(ELEVATOR STOPPING)

(ELEVATOR STARTING)

That's very decent of you, Kepple.

(SIGHING)

JUDY: (RECORDING) Hello, I'm sorry I'm not in my office at the moment.

Please leave a message. I'll get back to you. Bye.

(PHONE RINGING)

(GROANING)

Hello?

Hi, Kev. Bernie here.

Oh, hi. Look, um, things are a bit complicated right now, okay?

God, you are like a rabbit. You never stop.

Yeah, I know.

Uh, look, I've got some pretty grizzly news, could do with a shoulder to cry on.

I've just tried Judy, but she's out.

You don't know where she is, do you?

Um, well, uh. (WHISPERING) It's Bernie!

-What? -I do, actually.

BERNARD: Oh, great.

Hello, Bernard.

Oh? Hi, sweetheart.

Oh, look, you're not gonna believe what's gone and

blooming well happened. I reported in to work this morning, and...

Wait a minute,

what in the banana tree are you doing there?

Well, you had to find out some time.

It might as well be now.

Look, the thing is, Kevin and I are deeply in love.

Yeah, sorry about this, mate.

And we thought, seeing as you're getting so successful and everything these days...

KEVIN: Yeah, congratulations. Great news!

JUDY: Perhaps you wouldn't mind so much us telling you.

(STAMMERING) Wait a minute. You, uh...

Let me get this straight. You mean, you and Kevin...

JUDY: Yeah, that's right.

Thanks for introducing us, mate.

Oh, and Bernie, by the way, just as a matter of interest,

you know how you used to wonder why it was that Kevin got so many girlfriends?

Yes, why does he get so many girlfriends?

JUDY: Because he's so good in bed.

Oh, great.

(PHONE RINGING)

-JUDY: Bernie? -Yes?

I was just thinking, darling, do you mind if I just come around?

Oh, no, please do. I'm sure there's nothing a good chat can't sort out.

I wanna get my stuff.

I'm really eager to get settled in here.

Oh, good. Excellent news.

(LONELY THIS CHRISTMAS BY MUD PLAYING)

* It will be lonely this Christmas

* Without you to hold

* It will be lonely this Christmas

* Lonely and cold

* It'll be cold, so cold

* Without you to hold this Christmas

* Each time I remember the day you went away

* And how I would listen to the things you had to say

* I just break down as I look around

* And the only things I see are emptiness and loneliness

* And an unlit Christmas tree

(CRASHING)

* It'll be cold, so cold

* Without you to hold this Christmas *

BERNARD: I remember last year, when you and I were here.

We never thought there'd be an end.

And I remember looking at you then.

And I remember thinking that Christmas must have been made for us.

'Cause darling, this is the time of the year that you really,

you really need love.

(POPPING)

When it means so very, very much.

So, it'll be lonely this Christmas without you to hold.

(EXPLOSION)

What happened?

Seems to have been some sort of explosion, sir.

Good Lord, how am I?

Do I still look vaguely human or have I turned into Julian Lloyd Webber?

No, you're fine, Mr Bottle.

Just a little bang on your head,

-and one severely singed testicle. -(GASPING)

You'll be out of here in the morning.

Don't you worry, sir, I had a friend who had both his legs blown off

and he was up and walking around in a fortnight.

-Is that true, Kepple? -Not exactly, sir.

Right, now you just rest, and tomorrow your friend will pick you up.

Thank you, sister.

Thanks for sticking with me last night, Kepple.

That's fine, sir. They didn't nickname me Sticky Kepple for nothing.

Your nickname was Sticky Kepple?

No sir, it wasn't.

They don't go in for nicknames in the navy.

(ELEVATOR STOPPING)

(ELEVATOR STARTING)

I didn't know you were in the navy, Kepple.

I wasn't, sir. Can't stand the sea.

However, be that as it may, if you ever need anything,

you just call and I'll be up there faster than a poker up a pervert.

(BELL DINGING)

Indeed.

Anchors aweigh, sir.

(GROWLING)

(GRUNTING)

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, you're a maniac.

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

(YELLING)

(LAUGHING)

(YELLING)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Kepple, Kepple! Save me!

(GROWLING)

(LAUGHING)

(GROANING)

There's nothing left to steal!

My blooming girlfriend's gone and nicked the lot!

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Oh, Lord, have mercy. I wish you could speak English.

I can.

You can?

Yes, your wish is my command.

Now, beware, oh, short one.

You smell of peppermint and it is time to die.

Sorry?

-GENIE: You smell of peppermint. -No, no, before that.

Beware, oh, short one.

No, no, no, further back. Right at the top.

Unfortunately, your wish is my command.

Okay, then I wish you'd stop trying to kill me.

-Damn. -(CLATTERING)

(YELLING)

Okay, what's the story?

How the blooming hell did you get into my house?

I was in the blooming lamp.

Yes, very likely. And how do large transvestites get inside lamps these days?

A blooming wizard did it and made me into a blooming genie

without so much as a blooming "by your leave".

I'm dealing with a mad man. Don't move!

This is one of these really scary Bulgarian poison-tipped umbrellas.

One prick is fatal.

I'm going to ring the police.

Damn, I wish there was a phone in here.

(SCREECHING)

Have you just injected LSD into my bottom?

Look, I've explained this. I'm a genie.

Oh, come off it, mate. Who's ever heard of genies?

Well, you, obviously.

Look, we're like ghosts and dragons and uricorns.

You don't think they exist until you meet them.

So, all I have to do is wish?

As far as I know.

The training for this stupid job is practically non-existent.

Well, you'd better get your next alibi ready pretty quickly,

because I wish this chair was Melvin Bragg.

I wish it wasn't.

Sorry, Melvin.

Lord in heaven, you mean...

So, for instance...

If I were to wish my pockets were full of money...

Oh, my God.

Oh, Kevin, I'm worried about Bernard.

Yeah, I'm worried about him too, baby.

This guy is my best friend. I'd do anything not to hurt him.

I know.

I know.

But you know, baby, Bernard's always lived in a bit of a dream world.

I mean, I love this man, but he looked like a turnip.

If what you say is true, he had all the sexual skills of a small Dutch cheese.

Well, a medium-size Dutch cheese.

And yet he still thought he could go out with a goddess like you.

Fact is that some time Bernard's gotta come down to earth.

Gotta realise that it's a tough dog-stabs-dog- in-the-back-

and-then-eats-dog world.

We're doing him a favour.

The sooner Bernie faces up to reality the better.

So, all I have to do is wish?

As far as I know.

Wish my mum could see me now.

Hello, Bernard.

Are you feeding yourself properly?

And what a condition this place is in.

On second thought, no offence, Mum, I wish she couldn't.

I have to be very careful, don't I?

Yes, say the words "I wish" with the caution you would

normally reserve for "please castrate me".

Yes.

Oh, this could be brilliant.

But I think we should sort out just exactly how it's going to work.

(GARGLING)

Mmm.

Things must have changed somewhat since you were last out.

(LAUGHING) I bet. So tell me, how's old Caesar?

Caesar?

Yes, the emperor.

Uh, well, you see, he's dead.

No, what happened?

He was stabbed in the capital.

God. So who's in charge now? Brutus?

No, he's dead too.

Wow, a real massacre.

Yeah.

Look, um, there's something I think I ought to explain.

You see, you've obviously been inside the lamp slightly longer than you think.

How long?

Well, give or take a day or two, two thousand years.

No.

Two thousand years?

Most of my friends will be dead.

All, I think is a more likely guess.

Yes, and my girlfriend,

my mother, my father, my sister.

The kittens. Wow.

-I'm very sorry. -No, no. I'm the one who should be sorry.

Last thing you need around the place is a gloomy genie.

Go ahead, make some wishes. Go ahead. I'll be fine.

Oh, no, for heaven's sake.

I know how you feel.

My life hasn't been too rosy recently either.

Getting teased a lot about the stupid haircut?

No.

Everything has been pretty crappy.

I just got sacked and then found out that my fiancée was sleeping with my best friend.

Do you wish me to kill them?

Um, no, that's not really the way we do things any longer.

Well, how do you deal with your enemies these days?

Well, um, we kinda don't see them,

you know, sort of spurn them. Spurn them.

And, then the odd nasty look, kind of, uh, the sarcastic remark,

and then we kind of encourage our other friends, you know, not to see them,

and to be a bit sarcastic too.

That's it?

So, it's not all progress then?

Still, don't get too depressed. Look on the bright side,

your fiancée is buried in the arms of your best friend.

Mine is buried in an artichoke patch in Jerusalem.

Good point.

I know, I wish you weren't so depressed.

No, it doesn't work. You can't change people's feelings with wishes.

Oh, dear.

Then we're in trouble, aren't we?

What say we have a bite to eat?

How does a hamburger grab you?

A what?

Oh, well, it's two all-beef patties,

special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions, in a sesame seed bun.

Mmm. I might take out the pickles.

You wouldn't be the first.

I wish we had two Big Macs.

Have a try.

Um, take it out of the box first.

Everybody dead, all I ever wanted was to get out of the lamp.

Now, I almost wish I hadn't.

On the other hand, bite my beetroot, that is fantastic!

You get the right price, you could sell hundreds of these.

Well, they do sell quite a few.

There's a difference about this people will enjoy.

Even the pickles are nice.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Something wrong?

No, something unbelievably right.

My ears want to mate with this music and have its children.

Tell me, who is this guy, Bernie?

It's a chap called Mozart.

This is my kind of guy. Incredible!

This new music is great.

That isn't modern music. This is.

(ROCK AND ROLL MUSIC PLAYING)

That is fantastic!

Mate me with a mango! All right!

Whoo!

Tell me, Bernie, what colour is this guy?

-Black. -Thought so.

(KNOCKING)

Ah, girls, girls. Enter ye, enter ye.

Sit ye, sit ye.

Now, as you probably heard, Mr Bottle left us yesterday.

And I've been worrying about it.

Do either of you think I was a little harsh on him?

Well, sir, I think perhaps you might have given him a warning?

Good, good.

You're fired.

I want you out of here in two minutes,

you disastrously faded old crone.

Exit ye, exit ye.

Thirty-five years.

Now, Miss Purse, no pressure.

Just old friends talking.

Just bosom buddies bantering.

Any opinions on the Bottle scenario?

Inspired move, sir.

Thank you.

But I have, as I said, been worrying,

because Bottle had a list of some other priceless paintings and I want it back.

I want you to search his office and if it isn't there,

we'll just have to go to where he lives and steal it.

I shall start looking immediately, sir.

Good. No pressure, you understand? No pressure.

Although, for the moment, I'll just put your Christmas bonus on hold.

-Yes, sir. -PINKWORTH: Thank ye, thank ye.

Oh, by the way, Miss Purse,

I was joking about the Christmas bonus.

Oh, thank you, sir.

You weren't getting one anyway.

Who do you think I am? Felicity Kendal?

If you want money, work for it.

I did and I won't let any little creep take it from me.

So, I really can have absolutely anything?

Yup. (LAUGHING)

Okay. Well, for a start, let's brighten up this flat a bit.

(EXCLAIMING)

Unbelievable!

Okay, I wish I had the Mona Lisa on that wall.

Oh, my God.

Hmm, cute chick.

Bit of a smudge around the mouth though.

Here, let me sort that out.

No, no, no, no. Best leave it I think.

Unbelievable, fantastic.

GENIE: Yeah, bit of a tease though, eh?

Yeah, I could just stay here all night just staring at her.

(YAWNING)

Oh, look, sorry, I'm not being a very good host, am I?

You'd probably like to take a look around.

Good idea!

Uh, yes, things have changed quite a lot in the last 1,000 years.

I'll say. For instance, in my day this would've made an attractive hat.

Look, I'll take you around town if you like.

Excellent.

Damn.

The only thing is, after all that business at work,

I don't actually have any transport.

Hot spots, here we come. Whoo!

I think it's fair to say that the people from Allied Carpets

will be genuinely surprised by this.

The real skill of course is in the landing.

BOTH: Whoa!

(CRASHING)

(COUGHING)

And I think I need a little more practise.

Look, uh, before we go any further,

I think we should do something about the clothes.

What? You cannot get hotter than this.

Chicks see this stuff and die.

Yes, I'm sure. I just wish we had the modern equivalent.

Yes, now that's a lot better.

I feel fantastic.

And I look it too.

Whoo! You are cute.

I must say, I don't normally come here.

It's got rather dirty recently.

Ha. You call this dirty?

Where I come from, you go out shopping, you come back with leprosy.

People used to urinate on their vegetables

to give it that early-morning-dewy-fresh look.

This is the cleanest place I've ever seen in my whole life.

Let's boogie.

Ah, delicious. I'm glad dog meat is still popular.

(MOVIE PLAYING)

(CRYING)

Get him, Arnie!

He's an alien and he's killing absolutely everyone!

Get him!

GENIE: Hasta la vista, baby.

That was unbelievable. Those people were huge.

Tell me, where do they all live?

Uh, most of them are in Los Angeles.

That's the place for me. That woman's breasts were 60-feet high.

Which flavour would you like?

Uh...

That one.

This is great, Bernie. In my country there's only one type of dessert

and it tastes disgusting.

Oh, my God.

Take out my eyeballs and fry them in ginger.

That is unbelievable.

Here, hold that.

Hey, everybody, come in here! This stuff is brilliant!

It's really cold and it tastes completely of strawberries.

It's wonderful!

They've all tried that. It's nothing special to them any more.

You're crazy! I think I'll try a few more flavours.

Bernie, it's great to be here.

Ha.

Let's go.

NEWSPAPER VENDOR: The Daily Standard! The Daily Standard!

(PANTING)

BERNARD: How do you feel?

A bit sick actually, but it's okay.

I haven't had a stomach ache for 2,000 years.

It's like the return of an old friend.

Mr Beardy again.

Is he like emperor here or something?

No, no. It's Christmas.

Which is a kind of holiday we have at this time of year.

And the chap in the beard goes around with his flying reindeer,

and then comes down chimneys and gives children presents.

-Wow! -Yeah.

And what do you want for Christmas?

A car and a train and three Nintendos.

Yes, and a pencil's also nice, isn't it?

Yeah.

Except, he doesn't in fact come down chimneys,

and it isn't actually him who gives the presents.

Do the reindeer really fly?

I think not.

Mr Beardy is beginning to sound like a bit of a non-event.

BERNARD: Yes, Christmas isn't what it used to be.

Santa's real funny.

Now it's just the time the kids learn to live with disappointment.

Ah, speaking of which, I'm a bit disappointed

that we haven't eaten anything for a while.

It's been a good, oh, 20 minutes since my last full meal.

Your wish is my command. (LAUGHING)

(SLURPING)

Ah!

Well, I've sucked on some pretty wonderful things,

Bernie, but that takes the biscuit.

You and I are going to be a wonderful partnership. I can see it now.

But, you know, there's more to me than fantastic pants. I'm going to find you a woman.

-Oh, no. -Starting right now.

Okay, now those two over there are definitely out! Ew! Bit wrinkly.

And she, she's pretty cute. Okay, she's a bit older than you

but if she shakes her booty the way she shakes her milk...

-On the other hand... -Oh, no, please.

-Ah, you like the look of her? -Well...

Leave it to me. I'm pretty experienced at this kind of thing.

Oh, thank God it's near closing time, we're runnin' out of pencils.

-Good evening. -Oh, hello! Great hair.

Thank you very much. Myself and my friend with the very unfortunate hair,

but he's very fertile and has a large inheritance,

couldn't help noticing the splendid work you were doing with the children.

Oh, thanks. It's hell, actually.

Santa drinks like a fish and these hot pants were tailor- made for Bonnie Langford.

Indeed. Would you care to join us for a shake of milk

or perhaps you'd like me to organise something more formal

where your parents were involved?

No. No, I'll just have a cup of coffee and fly.

-What a coincidence! We're flying too. -Is that right?

Yes. (LAUGHING) Could you hang on for just one second please?

-Certainly. -Thank you.

Actually, you better make that two coffees. Santa keeps on dozing off over the children.

It's going very well. She says her pants are hot.

She wants your body and she wants it now.

-She does not. -She does. A little more negotiation,

and the match will be made, depending, of course, on proof of child-bearing capability.

So, is that your flying carpet then?

-Yes, it is. Would you fancy a ride? -Oh, no!

The reindeer can get very jealous if I use alternative means of transport.

(LAUGHING)

Very amusing. Now, down to business.

Obviously, the question of the dowry raises its ugly head.

-Uh, I'm sorry. He's not from around here. -No.

I sort of guessed that.

I think your hair's quite nice. Bye.

(GENIE COOING)

It's a dead set. I can see it now.

The loving relatives, the priest, the staggeringly- attractive best man,

the shagged-out bridesmaids.

(LAUGHING)

No, somebody like that would never fancy me.

Of course she would. All we have to do is sex you up a bit.

Like how?

Well, if you don't mind my saying so, Bernie, you are a bit neat.

What you need is that rough look.

You need to be given that sexy unshaven thing.

-(ROARING) -You mean scruffy?

Scruffy can be sexy.

Okay, I wish I looked like Bob Geldof.

-Oh, my God! -What do you think, eh?

-A certain rugged charm? -Might be one way of putting it.

A total blooming mess might be another.

Now don't be so damn cheeky.

Isn't that Mick Jagger?

Oh, Bernie, I liked you the way you were.

Let's have a look. Bloody hell, you're right.

This voice is getting on my nerves as well. I wish I was me again.

Mr Cute. Oh, that's my boy. Welcome back. What next?

Well, I thought we could go back home and check out Mona.

Brilliant idea, although I have an even more brilliant one.

Why don't you go home and check out Mona

and I'll go and check out those 60-foot breasts again.

Are you sure you'll be all right without me?

Of course. More importantly, will you be all right without me?

-Oh yes. I've chewed up distinctly. -Good.

Happy days are here again. Whoo!

(DOGS BARKING)

-Argh! -Ugh!

BERNARD: Sorry!

-(STAMMERING) Uh, I... -We'll take that, if you don't mind.

We don't want anyone else brutally assaulted, do we?

Send for some assistance, Alan.

Can I ask you why you're here? Is there... Is there something wrong?

Yes, well, as a matter of fact there is, Mr Bottle.

You're about to be accused of...

Grand theft.

Hello, sir. What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd pop around for a little Christmas drinky

with my old pal, Bernie.

And I discover this list of priceless paintings that you stole from our office.

Then I happened to inspect the walls

and discovered this dear lady.

-Do you recognise that picture, Mr Bottle? Hmm? -Oh, yes, of course, I do.

It was stolen from the Louvre earlier today.

It is a magnificent work, isn't it?

No matter how much time passes, one cannot quite get over the wonder of that smile.

And somehow it seems to have made its way here.

-Yes, well, I think I can explain that. -Yes?

-Yes? -Yes?

Yes. Well, um, uh... (CLEARS THROAT) You see, the thing is,

-there's this lamp... -(DISTANT SIRENS WAILING)

Um... Well, on second thoughts, I think I can't explain it.

I wish it wasn't here.

(HORSE NEIGHING)

I wish it wasn't here!

-(ARROWS WHISTLING) -Good shot, Robin.

I wish it wasn't here.

Well, I'm afraid it is.

-You're coming with us. -Oh.

Excuse me if I don't keep you company, gentlemen.

Christmas bash at Number 10. Don't want to keep poor Johnny and dear Norma waiting.

As for you, what can I say, Bottle?

God rest ye merry. God rest ye.

* I don't mean to be crude Don't mean to be rude

* But Mr Success is Mr Totally Screwed

* Life can be tough Life can be unfair

* He's off to meet Mr Electric Chair

Don't you worry, sir. I was once arrested for murder and sentenced to death by hanging.

-Is that right, Kepple? -Oh, yes.

We tried to appeal but the high court threw it out.

I was caught red-handed, you see, sir. Smoking gun in the victim's mouth.

So there I was. Noose round the neck, padre in attendance,

mother in tears, no hope in sight.

(ELEVATOR STOPPING)

(ELEVATOR STARTING)

And?

Oh, it all turned all right in the end, sir. Just a few of the lads larking about.

Thank you, Kepple.

(BELL DINGING)

Pigs.

All right.

(CLEARS THROAT) Name?

Bottle, Bernard.

-Crime? -Grand theft.

And murder of a police officer.

Really?

Yes. Well, I wonder if he's guilty. It's a tricky one.

The Mona Lisa hanging in his front room,

and three witnesses who saw him clubbing his victim to death.

Do you know something, Alan, you're right.

It's one of those ones juries really agonise over.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

All said and done, not a good day.

You can make one phone call.

Might I recommend a priest? Either that or a publisher.

I believe tales from death row are always big sellers.

Please be in. Please be in.

-(MUSIC BLARING) -(PHONE RINGING)

-(MUSIC BLARING) -(PHONE RINGING)

(SCREAMING)

-(WHIRRING) -(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Josephus! Hello, Josephus?

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

We're dealing with a highly trained villain, sir.

The first five times there's no reply.

Then twice the phone's picked up but put down straight away. Textbook stuff.

Brilliant work, Parker. Obviously, the accomplice has returned to the flat.

We got them by the short and painfuls. They're doomed, Parker.

-Doomed, sir. -Doomed.

He said, "Well, when we have none, ours is £3".

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I'll come back when you have none.

Fair enough, I'll come back when you have none.

(LAUGHING) No gags like the old gags, eh, Frankie?

(GUNS COCKING)

-Hi, guys, can I help? -We'd like you to come with us, Sunshine.

Certainly! You know, he's really tiny but very funny.

Love the uniform. Kinky.

-Spread him! -Mmm, I was right. Very kinky.

-Don't try and be funny. -Mmm! Tasty.

Thank you for the bracelet, but do you think it goes with the pendant?

Name?

Can I just say before I answer that, that is an absolutely splendid beard,

although it might be more useful if you wore it on top of your head.

-Just ignore him. He's a smartass. -Name?

Josephus.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

(YELPING)

Get in there! Smart ass.

Anything you say, Smart Uniform.

Bernie! My oldest, dearest pal. Where've you been?

-Here. -Funny choice. Still, it does have a certain kooky charm.

Colourful toilet and those guys out there are fun.

It's not a choice. We are in real trouble.

I could spend the rest of my life in prison, you know. It's no joke.

No joke? Not amusing?

What happened?

Oh, God! It's too depressing to explain.

Even with a genie I'm a disaster.

When I got home last night they arrested me for nicking the Mona Lisa.

The only girlfriend I'll ever get now will be six foot two, with a full beard.

-Sounds okay to me. -Oh, come on, be serious!

I killed a policeman.

God, poor bastard. And his family...

I mean, he leaves home at 9:00 am in a Panda car

and comes home at midnight in a plastic bag,

murdered by an ex-art dealer with a scimitar.

Oh, dear. If only I'd been there.

I wish you had.

What? You can do that!

For you, anything.

Ouch. Ouch.

Ah! Good evening, officers.

Good evening, Mr Bottle.

Hi. Sorry, is there something wrong?

Yes, well, as a matter of fact there is, Mr Bottle.

You're just about to be accused of...

Grand theft.

Hello, sir. What are you doing here?

Well, I just thought I'd pop around and have a little drinky with my old pal Bernie.

And I discover this list of priceless paintings that you stole from our office.

Then I happened to inspect the walls and discovered this dear lady.

Ah, yes, Kylie, my absolute favourite.

Wait a minute, what's going on here?

You told us it was the Mona Lisa.

Well, yes, it was the Mona Lisa.

-I like this chick better. -Yeah, it's a fabulous work.

And no matter how much time passes, one still can't quite get over the wonder

of that smile.

(PHONE RINGING)

-Hello. -Ah, so that's what it's for.

What?

Apparently the painting has been returned.

-What do you mean, "returned"? -OFFICER: It's back in the Louvre.

I think we owe these people an apology.

Mr Bottle and, uh, Mr, uh...

Smart Ass.

Yes, um...

Sorry to disturb you, Mr Smart Ass. We'll be off now.

Thank God for that. I can't think of anything we'd like to do

less than hang around with scum like you.

Come again, Sunshine?

Yes, you're obviously a slime bag

and living proof that man is directly related to the slug.

And your face looked familiar when I first saw it,

and now I remember seeing something very similar whilst

washing down the hind quarters of a camel!

You what?

And you are a very large turd in a horrible pink shirt.

I beg your bloody pardon?

Do you wish I'd never said any of that?

Yes, I do.

Well, goodbye, gentlemen. It's nice to meet you.

You're an honour to the force, the pair of you.

Thanks, governor.

-And Merry Christmas. -Happy New Year.

-Bye. -Bye.

Well, I'm so thrilled you're still alive. I'm so pleased I didn't kill you.

Yes, right.

Goodbye, sir. Lovely shirt.

Although I do wish you hadn't taken that list.

But do pop around for a drink anytime and give the PM one from me.

Certainly. Thank you, Bottle.

-Thank you, sir. -Bye, Flower.

(CACKLING) My friend!

-I suspect it's gonna be a very merry Christmas. -Whoo!

(WHIRRING)

-Have you seen my toothbrush? -No.

(WHIRRING)

I put this in the water, yes?

-Yes, not too much though. -GENIE: How much is too much?

Well, uh, just put in a drop.

I think it's too late.

-(SHEEP BLEATING) -Oh!

(FLUSHING)

(BLEATING)

(CLUCKING)

(WHOOPING)

-BERNARD: Ready? -Yeah.

BOTH: Let's rock.

* Peace on Earth

* And mercy mild

* God and sinners reconciled

So tell me about this Christmas thing.

Well, it's become a very big commercial thing in recent times.

Oh, I like commercial. I like commercials.

Fly Fishing by J R Hartley.

Yeah, but originally,

it was supposed to celebrate the birth of this chap called Jesus Christ

who was born, well, about 2,000 years ago.

-Jesus, you say? -Yeah.

But I knew this guy.

-You did not. -I did! What did he do to get so famous?

Well, he turned out to be the son of God.

-No, I thought he was kidding. -No. True blue.

Damn it. I knew there was something special about him

from the moment I first met him.

-You met him? -Of course.

He helped out with the wine at my brother's wedding.

Wait a minute, so you were at the wedding at Cana.

Well, I think so but by the end of it I was so completely legless, I can't be sure.

This is so bizarre. I told him, you could be a big money spinner,

but oh, no, goody two-shoes was having none of it.

One night we're on the boat. He walks on water.

You were there!

One day 5,000 people came out to see him talk and they didn't have any food.

-So, guess what he did? -Produced loaves and fishes for them all.

Yes. I said, let's open a restaurant right now. We'll call it "Something Fishy",

but he didn't like the name.

Anyway, happy birthday, Big J. A crap businessman but a great human being.

-To Big J. -Big J.

So, tell me, what happened to him?

He was crucified.

-No! You're kidding? -BERNARD: Afraid not.

Wow. There's no need for that. This is a wonderful guy.

-But being the son of God, he came back to life again. -Oh, great! Is he still alive?

Not really, no. You see, he rose up into heaven.

Huh. Lucky for you. Jesus was not keen on people making money out of religion.

One day I was in the temple when they tried to turn it into a supermarket.

Jesus went in there and kicked arse.

Like Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Yes, but with smaller pectorals.

Yeah, well, unfortunately, it seems the big money people are taking over.

Hmm, but it's time for the no money people to strike back.

Let's make some wishes for Big J, his way.

You're the boss. Let's do it!

GENIE: Thank you.

Here's the ticket.

Merry Christmas.

Hi-ya!

Look, Mummy. Look, Mummy.

CHILDREN: Merry Christmas!

Look, Mummy.

(CHATTERING)

CHILDREN: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Look, Mummy. Look what I've got.

Mummy, look!

(HORSE NEIGHING)

-Merry Christmas. -Oh, you too.

What about you? You fancy him as well?

CARRIE: Is that for me?

So what did you wish for?

(EXPLOSION)

-What was that? -Don't worry, Bernie. It was just a warning.

Now what about you? What would you like for Christmas?

-Well, I have had one or two little thoughts. -Oh, good.

Littlewoods have announced their largest ever pools winner.

Mr Frank Kepple, a doorman in Wandsworth, has won £3,000,000.

(SCREAMING)

ANNOUNCER: Today, he said it won't change his life.

No, you see, this is in fact the fourth time I have won the £3,000,000 prize.

No, I don't believe it! (LAUGHING)

Oh, dear, the lift is stuck. It's never done that before.

And in Badsey tonight, the cracking of a major drugs ring.

Kevin Bell, the city financier,

was found with 30 pounds of marijuana stored under his bed.

-Look, it's a plant. -I think you'll find it's a hundred plants, actually.

-More like a thousand. -Will if it was all there, why didn't he ever give me any?

-Tragic. -Really terrible.

And they look such a nice couple.

And finally, a charming Christmas story.

This evening, the Queen received an unexpected letter at Buckingham Palace.

It included a cheque from arts dealer, Charles Pinkworth,

-donating £100,000,000 to Christmas charities. -BOTH: £100,000,000.

We went down to the house where a grateful crowd has gathered.

* For he's a jolly good fellow And so say all of us *

-Mr Charles Pinkworth? -Yes?

What made you make this extraordinary generous gesture?

What gesture?

BOTH: £100,000,000!

The £100,000,000 cheque to the Queen.

Repeat ye.

Buckingham Palace apparently received a £100,000,000 charity cheque from you.

(MUMBLING)

You've become a national hero, because of your generosity.

Have I?

A knighthood is surely on its way.

I wish it wasn't on its way.

-Is it? -No, no. Apparently, it's not.

(SNICKERING)

INTERVIEWER: But please tell the nation what your motives were.

Fifty million people want to know.

Yes. Well, Christmas is very much a time for giving

and I thought it was about time that somebody from the commercial sector

put their money where their mouth was

and gave their entire fortune away to the needy.

(SNICKERING)

Fortune for which he's worked

for 25 bloody years.

-(LAUGHING UNCONTROLABLY) -Yee-haw!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(CHEERING)

* For he's a jolly good fellow For he's a jolly good fellow

* And so say all of us

(CACKLING)

And what a wonderful story that is. Now the Christmas weather.

And for the first time in 15 years, deep, deep, snow.

(CHEERING)

From all of us here, goodbye, and a very Merry Christmas.

Well, that's it, isn't it?

Er, not quite.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

BERNARD: Excuse me, please, thank you.

-Ah, snack time. -Mmm-mmm.

A little light refreshment.

So, what do you want for Christmas, Josephus?

Oh, new pair of pants, whatever you like.

Chicken tandoori flavoured toothpaste.

No, come on. You know, when we first met,

I was the most wretched bloke in the whole world.

Except maybe for that guy who's married to Esther Rantzen.

Maybe.

But now, you know, I'm as happy as Michelle Pfeiffer's underpants.

And I'd like to give you somethin' fab for Christmas.

-Well, there is something, Bernard. -Mmm-hmm?

But it's blooming hard to ask for.

No, just you ask away. Whatever it is, it's yours.

I wanna go home.

See, I like it here.

I love little Frank Austin and I love big Kevin Costner.

I love Post-it notes.

I love you.

But I miss things.

I miss my family.

I don't have anybody to write Christmas cards to.

I miss my fiancée.

I miss Eggbird and Peewee.

-The kittens? -The kittens.

(SIGHING) And no one stirfries rabbit droppings like my mom does.

Yes, well... People rather seem to have lost the knack there.

Oh, dear.

Yes. Well, surely.

And there's another thing, if I could just get the recipe

for these 100% beef patty things.

You could make a bob or two?

Exactly! And if I could memorise the songs by Mr Barry White,

I could snog every babe in a yashmak

from Mount Hebron to the Red Sea.

We got it together, didn't we?

Yeah, sure, I understand.

You should go.

But first, there's one thing I'd like to try.

-Don't be nervous, Bernie. -Oh! (GASPING)

Don't worry, I've got you. (LAUGHING)

That's where I was born.

Hey!

-That was a fabulous tour, Bernie. -Thank you.

Rome wasn't quite as big as I expected it to be, but New York? Wow! That was fantastic.

Yeah, the Americans have put a lot of work into it.

-Tell me, why are there no tall buildings in Beirut? -That's a long story.

Take me home, James.

I can't believe you wished for this stuff, it's bloody freezing.

Well, here we go.

Goodbye.

You great, big funky dude.

I'd like to say I'd call,

but the phone system in first-century Palestine is absolute crap.

Okay. (SNIFFLING)

-Are you sure you got enough stuff? -I think so.

Look, um, if you bump into Jesus,

tell him to keep an eye on Judas. He's a nasty piece of work.

Okay. I have a present for you.

Take it from me. It may not look like much but it may come in handy when I leave.

Okay, fine, thanks.

-When you're looking through that old Bibble... -Bible.

Whatever. And it says "and the multitude gathered",

remember one of them is a close personal friend of yours.

Oh, this is getting far too emotional. I wish you'd just go.

No, wait. I wish... I wish...

Oh, dear.

Thank you. Merry Christmas!

So, what do you want for Christmas?

(CHEERING)

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)