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1
00:00:01,888 --> 00:00:02,938
Here's to love!
2
00:00:02,938 --> 00:00:05,168
Congratulations, you assholes!
3
00:00:05,168 --> 00:00:06,968
Did you always want to join
the priesthood?
4
00:00:06,968 --> 00:00:08,248
Oh, fuck no.
5
00:00:08,248 --> 00:00:09,608
Are you a real priest?
6
00:00:09,608 --> 00:00:10,938
Yeah.
7
00:00:10,938 --> 00:00:13,738
So, do your family get together much
or...
8
00:00:13,738 --> 00:00:15,378
Well, fuck you then.
9
00:00:15,378 --> 00:00:18,218
And do you want to know what gift
I'm giving your Father? Oh, God.
10
00:00:18,218 --> 00:00:21,138
It's a portrait. Oh, God. Of you
girls. Oh, God.
11
00:00:21,138 --> 00:00:22,738
You pissed off or you doing a poo?
12
00:00:22,738 --> 00:00:24,968
Get your hands off my miscarriage!
13
00:00:24,968 --> 00:00:26,838
What's happened?
Nothing's happened.
14
00:00:26,838 --> 00:00:29,518
Just had a little... What? What,
darling? Miscarriage.
15
00:00:29,518 --> 00:00:31,448
Hospital now. But what about the
bill? Sit down.
16
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:33,118
I'll cover her. I'll cover you.
17
00:00:33,118 --> 00:00:34,838
If you ever need someone.
I'll be there.
18
00:00:34,838 --> 00:00:37,398
If it didn't want to be in there,
It didn't want to be in there.
19
00:00:37,398 --> 00:00:38,968
Something wasn't right.
20
00:00:38,968 --> 00:00:40,038
HE CRI ES OUT
21
00:00:40,038 --> 00:00:41,478
What the fuck!?
22
00:00:41,478 --> 00:00:44,068
INDISTINCT SHOUTS
23
00:00:44,068 --> 00:00:48,598
The priest is quite hot.
So hot.
24
00:00:48,598 --> 00:00:50,958
Peace be with you.
Yeah, you too, thank you.
25
00:00:50,958 --> 00:00:53,598
Peace be with you.
And also with you.
26
00:00:53,598 --> 00:00:55,598
Peace be with you.
And also with you.
27
00:00:55,598 --> 00:00:56,659
Peace be with you.
28
00:00:56,659 --> 00:00:57,738
Peace be with you.
29
00:00:57,738 --> 00:00:59,679
Peace be with you.
And also with you.
30
00:00:59,679 --> 00:01:01,559
Peace be with you.
And also with you.
31
00:01:01,559 --> 00:01:04,059
Let us pray.
32
00:01:09,679 --> 00:01:15,318
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name,
33
00:01:15,318 --> 00:01:20,968
thy kingdom come, thy will be done,
on Earth as it is in heaven.
34
00:01:20,968 --> 00:01:25,789
Give us this day our daily bread
and forgive us our trespasses,
35
00:01:25,789 --> 00:01:29,738
as we forgive those who
trespass against us
36
00:01:29,738 --> 00:01:33,458
and lead us not into temptation,
37
00:01:33,458 --> 00:01:37,583
but deliver us from evil.
38
00:01:38,018 --> 00:01:39,643
Amen.
39
00:01:41,178 --> 00:01:46,553
# Rooted, grafted, built on thee. #
40
00:01:47,528 --> 00:01:49,038
Please be seated.
41
00:01:49,038 --> 00:01:52,288
And also with you.
42
00:01:58,038 --> 00:02:03,288
Erm... Sorry, er,
yes, today's...
43
00:02:05,108 --> 00:02:07,028
Erm... Today's notices.
44
00:02:07,028 --> 00:02:13,598
There's a raffle at tomorrow's
fete to raise funds for the, er...
45
00:02:13,598 --> 00:02:16,828
Sorry... The diocesan
pilgrimage to Lourdes.
46
00:02:16,828 --> 00:02:20,188
Er, congratulations to
St Ethelred's Football Club.
47
00:02:20,188 --> 00:02:21,688
Woo!
48
00:02:21,748 --> 00:02:23,108
Three one victory.
49
00:02:23,108 --> 00:02:25,468
Er, next Friday is a first Friday
and I'm going to be
50
00:02:25,468 --> 00:02:29,679
making my usual sick calls to the
housebound with the Eucharist
51
00:02:29,679 --> 00:02:33,598
and, finally, on Thursday I'm going
to begin Holy Communion
52
00:02:33,598 --> 00:02:36,429
preparation classes and there are
more details of that
53
00:02:36,429 --> 00:02:39,708
in the parish newsletter,
along with my latest review.
54
00:02:39,708 --> 00:02:41,348
FAINT LAUGHTER
55
00:02:41,348 --> 00:02:42,628
That's all, folks.
56
00:02:42,628 --> 00:02:45,748
Er, please stand for God's
blessing.
57
00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:48,468
Thanks so much. Thank you, Father.
All the best. See you next week.
58
00:02:48,468 --> 00:02:49,679
All the best.
59
00:02:49,679 --> 00:02:51,679
Really good one, Father.
Nice to see you, Gina.
60
00:02:51,679 --> 00:02:53,498
Loved the story about your eye.
61
00:02:53,498 --> 00:02:56,598
HE CHUCKLES
Off you go. Give my regards to those
budgies.
62
00:02:56,598 --> 00:02:58,708
SHE CHUCKLES
63
00:02:58,708 --> 00:03:00,828
Hello. Hi.
64
00:03:00,828 --> 00:03:03,398
This is lovely. Oh, thank you. Thank
you.
65
00:03:03,398 --> 00:03:04,958
I thought you'd be in prison by now.
66
00:03:04,958 --> 00:03:08,268
Ah, well, I keep trying,
but they just won't have me.
67
00:03:08,268 --> 00:03:10,238
I'm sorry about your eye.
Oh, that's OK.
68
00:03:10,238 --> 00:03:11,679
Gives me some edge.
69
00:03:11,679 --> 00:03:13,598
I've told them some heroic bullshit.
70
00:03:13,598 --> 00:03:14,758
Erm... Bless you, Sandy.
71
00:03:14,758 --> 00:03:16,628
Thank you, Father.
Bless you.
72
00:03:16,628 --> 00:03:18,549
Thank you, Father. Thank you. Bye.
73
00:03:18,549 --> 00:03:20,238
Bye now. Have a nice day.
God bless you.
74
00:03:20,238 --> 00:03:23,398
Bye. See you next week.
Bless you.
75
00:03:23,398 --> 00:03:25,598
I just wanted to pay you back for
dinner... Oh, no!
76
00:03:25,598 --> 00:03:27,268
Because I... Thank you, honestly.
77
00:03:27,268 --> 00:03:30,038
It'll have to be in instalments... I
don't want it. I don't want it.
78
00:03:30,038 --> 00:03:32,238
I've got no pockets. Please...
Honestly, thank you.
79
00:03:32,238 --> 00:03:33,758
Nah—ah!
80
00:03:33,758 --> 00:03:36,549
I'm going to knife the candles,
Father. They're a bit clogged up.
81
00:03:36,549 --> 00:03:37,868
OK, Pam. Yeah.
82
00:03:37,868 --> 00:03:40,429
Well, the hair dryer's in the,
in the wonky drawer...
83
00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:42,238
Under the wonky drawer. Yes, I know.
84
00:03:42,238 --> 00:03:43,679
Hello, love. Hi.
85
00:03:43,679 --> 00:03:46,398
Oh, is that for the collection? How
sweet. So kind.
86
00:03:46,398 --> 00:03:48,648
Thank you.
87
00:03:48,988 --> 00:03:51,363
That's Pam.
88
00:03:53,838 --> 00:03:56,838
Do you like tea?
89
00:04:04,758 --> 00:04:06,508
Jesus.
90
00:04:13,318 --> 00:04:15,693
Tea! Great.
91
00:04:17,148 --> 00:04:19,508
I don't want boast, but I make
a cracking...
92
00:04:19,508 --> 00:04:21,348
Oh! Bastard! Sorry. Oh!
93
00:04:21,348 --> 00:04:25,478
Bastard! Erm... Let me just get
this.
94
00:04:25,478 --> 00:04:27,708
Oh, dear.
Oh, is that holy?
95
00:04:27,708 --> 00:04:30,598
A bit less than it was before.
96
00:04:30,598 --> 00:04:34,098
Shit. Er.. Oh, well.
97
00:04:34,478 --> 00:04:40,068
He'll understand.
He's an understanding sort.
98
00:04:40,068 --> 00:04:42,398
There you go.
99
00:04:42,398 --> 00:04:43,958
Sorry about all the tat.
100
00:04:43,958 --> 00:04:46,708
It's for a fundraiser garden
party thing tomorrow.
101
00:04:46,708 --> 00:04:48,638
So much stuff, absolutely no staff.
102
00:04:48,638 --> 00:04:51,318
You can volunteer if you want.
Oh...
103
00:04:51,318 --> 00:04:53,398
I'm only joking. Oh.
104
00:04:53,398 --> 00:04:56,068
You've probably got a life.
105
00:04:56,068 --> 00:04:57,429
What's the time? Erm...
106
00:04:57,429 --> 00:05:00,278
Do you want a proper drink?
I've got cans of G&T.
107
00:05:00,278 --> 00:05:01,918
From M&S.
108
00:05:01,918 --> 00:05:03,788
Well, it's... I will if you will.
109
00:05:03,788 --> 00:05:05,163
OK.
110
00:05:05,708 --> 00:05:07,083
OK.
111
00:05:15,588 --> 00:05:17,463
Thanks.
112
00:05:22,508 --> 00:05:25,228
So, you're a cool priest, are you? A
cool priest? Yeah.
113
00:05:25,228 --> 00:05:27,788
No. I'm a big reader with no
friends. Are you a cool person?
114
00:05:27,788 --> 00:05:29,948
I'm a pretty normal person.
A normal person?
115
00:05:29,948 --> 00:05:32,318
Yeah, a normal person.
What makes you a normal person?
116
00:05:32,318 --> 00:05:37,193
Well, I don't believe in God...
117
00:05:38,228 --> 00:05:42,728
I love it when He does that.
118
00:05:47,948 --> 00:05:51,278
So, you were in my prayers last
night. Likewise.
119
00:05:51,278 --> 00:05:53,689
I'm sorry for your loss.
120
00:05:53,689 --> 00:05:55,314
What?
121
00:05:55,358 --> 00:05:57,608
Your baby.
122
00:05:58,078 --> 00:06:01,278
Oh! Yeah, thank you.
123
00:06:01,278 --> 00:06:05,153
Thank you. Yes, I er...
124
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:06,559
Thank you.
125
00:06:06,559 --> 00:06:08,328
Is the father all right?
126
00:06:08,328 --> 00:06:12,578
Well, he doesn't really...
127
00:06:12,758 --> 00:06:14,758
..exist.
128
00:06:15,638 --> 00:06:18,263
I understand.
129
00:06:18,918 --> 00:06:26,918
The funeral liturgy says that life
is changed, not ended.
130
00:06:28,222 --> 00:06:30,712
I've always loved that,
if that's of any help.
131
00:06:30,712 --> 00:06:33,352
Oh, well, thank you very much,
but I really am an atheist.
132
00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:35,792
Yeah, I gathered
that by the smelling of the Bible.
133
00:06:35,792 --> 00:06:38,292
THEY CHUCKLE
134
00:06:38,992 --> 00:06:40,512
New sermon?
135
00:06:40,512 --> 00:06:43,222
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's... I write, er...
136
00:06:43,222 --> 00:06:45,683
..restaurant reviews
for the parish magazine
137
00:06:45,683 --> 00:06:47,792
and I was just finishing
up the last one.
138
00:06:47,792 --> 00:06:49,992
I actually just came up with
a really good title.
139
00:06:49,992 --> 00:06:51,222
Ah, what is it?
140
00:06:51,222 --> 00:06:53,433
No. What? No, it's not cool.
141
00:06:53,433 --> 00:06:54,872
Well, neither are we, so...
142
00:06:54,872 --> 00:07:00,912
"I'd spend 40 days and 40
nights in that dessert."
143
00:07:00,912 --> 00:07:05,162
Oh, God, I fancy a priest.
144
00:07:39,792 --> 00:07:42,417
There you go.
145
00:07:46,122 --> 00:07:47,622
Hey.
146
00:07:47,712 --> 00:07:49,592
Are you having an event?
147
00:07:49,592 --> 00:07:50,952
No.
148
00:07:50,952 --> 00:07:52,612
Why are there so many people here?
149
00:07:52,612 --> 00:07:54,822
Well, it's just successful, I guess.
150
00:07:54,822 --> 00:07:57,202
Why is everyone talking
to each other?
151
00:07:57,202 --> 00:07:58,563
Oh, it's Chatty Wednesday.
152
00:07:58,563 --> 00:07:59,632
If you buy something,
153
00:07:59,632 --> 00:08:02,232
you have to have a chat with someone
you don't know. What?
154
00:08:02,232 --> 00:08:04,122
Loneliness pays.
155
00:08:04,122 --> 00:08:05,672
Listen, can we...
156
00:08:05,672 --> 00:08:07,297
Sure.
157
00:08:11,152 --> 00:08:13,433
I know you and I haven't...
Have you had a check—up?
158
00:08:13,433 --> 00:08:15,922
Yes, it's fine. It's really not
a big deal.
159
00:08:15,922 --> 00:08:18,922
It happens all the time... Hello!
No. Where you from?
160
00:08:18,922 --> 00:08:22,032
I'm not... This isn't...
I'm not part of this.
161
00:08:22,032 --> 00:08:24,282
I shouldn't have to... I don't want
to tell you that.
162
00:08:24,282 --> 00:08:27,032
No. Sorry. No.
163
00:08:27,072 --> 00:08:29,072
Tooting.
164
00:08:29,232 --> 00:08:30,792
She hasn't bought anything yet, Joe.
165
00:08:30,792 --> 00:08:34,667
Oh, shit. I'm so sorry.
166
00:08:35,202 --> 00:08:36,563
Does Martin know?
167
00:08:36,563 --> 00:08:38,792
You're not supposed to tell anyone
for the first 12...
168
00:08:38,792 --> 00:08:41,122
Well, you can tell the father.
I just haven't told him.
169
00:08:41,122 --> 00:08:43,462
OK, but what does he know? I don't
want to talk about it, OK?
170
00:08:43,462 --> 00:08:45,672
And I never want anyone to know
about it. You have it.
171
00:08:45,672 --> 00:08:48,622
You're better at dealing with
awful things. I don't want it.
172
00:08:48,622 --> 00:08:52,262
Well, you took it, now everyone
thinks you have it, so you have it.
173
00:08:52,262 --> 00:08:54,762
CLAIRE SIGHS
174
00:08:58,392 --> 00:09:00,002
What?
175
00:09:00,002 --> 00:09:01,752
They're some pretty funky trainers.
176
00:09:01,752 --> 00:09:03,372
I said I'm fine.
177
00:09:03,372 --> 00:09:05,282
I just really, really don't want
anyone to make
178
00:09:05,282 --> 00:09:06,512
a big deal out of this, OK?
179
00:09:06,512 --> 00:09:07,722
Brutal.
180
00:09:07,722 --> 00:09:09,082
Just brutal.
181
00:09:09,082 --> 00:09:10,752
You must feel rotten.
182
00:09:10,752 --> 00:09:12,362
Do you feel rotten?
183
00:09:12,362 --> 00:09:14,362
I'd rather not talk about it if
that's OK.
184
00:09:14,362 --> 00:09:16,512
Of course, darling.
Come on up.
185
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,392
Claire get the door, for God's sake.
186
00:09:18,392 --> 00:09:20,082
Did you know who the father was?
187
00:09:20,082 --> 00:09:22,563
Erm, I'd rather not talk about it if
that's OK.
188
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:25,062
No, of course, darling.
189
00:09:25,062 --> 00:09:27,212
I've got a set up I'm very
excited about.
190
00:09:27,212 --> 00:09:28,922
It's going to be very striking.
CooL
191
00:09:28,922 --> 00:09:31,282
So, Claire, if you just sit here.
192
00:09:31,282 --> 00:09:32,672
That's lovely
193
00:09:32,672 --> 00:09:35,082
And, darling, just beside her
like that.
194
00:09:35,082 --> 00:09:36,563
Lovely.
195
00:09:36,563 --> 00:09:38,752
Actually, if you could
just...
196
00:09:38,752 --> 00:09:40,472
That's it, that's it.
197
00:09:40,472 --> 00:09:42,847
Just a bit.
198
00:09:43,313 --> 00:09:45,062
Bit more.
199
00:09:45,062 --> 00:09:46,452
There, perfect.
200
00:09:46,452 --> 00:09:49,202
Gorgeous, yes.
201
00:09:51,162 --> 00:09:52,952
Sorry, no, if you could just...
202
00:09:52,952 --> 00:09:55,982
That's it. thank you, darling.
203
00:09:55,982 --> 00:09:57,012
So, erm...
204
00:09:57,012 --> 00:09:58,293
She can't not talk about it.
205
00:09:58,293 --> 00:10:00,342
You know, I have six friends... A
lie.
206
00:10:00,342 --> 00:10:02,732
..who've had miscarriages.
207
00:10:02,732 --> 00:10:06,032
Five of them never managed to
produce a child afterwards,
208
00:10:06,032 --> 00:10:09,142
but the sixth one did
and rather regretted it,
209
00:10:09,142 --> 00:10:11,232
so I think you've probably done
the right thing.
210
00:10:11,232 --> 00:10:13,482
Thank you.
211
00:10:14,362 --> 00:10:15,902
Did you never want them?
212
00:10:15,902 --> 00:10:18,642
Oh, I'm still thinking about it.
213
00:10:18,642 --> 00:10:20,572
Is Dad here? I texted him, but...
214
00:10:20,572 --> 00:10:22,342
Oh, I saw that.
Oh, so he is here?
215
00:10:22,342 --> 00:10:26,702
Sorry, no, I've got his phone today.
216
00:10:26,702 --> 00:10:28,372
I love that colour.
217
00:10:28,372 --> 00:10:29,423
Which one?
218
00:10:29,423 --> 00:10:30,543
That one.
219
00:10:30,543 --> 00:10:32,563
Oh, that's three colours.
220
00:10:32,563 --> 00:10:34,812
Right. I'm getting rid of it.
221
00:10:34,812 --> 00:10:36,732
But it was quite an adventure
painting.
222
00:10:36,732 --> 00:10:38,702
I had an orgasm as I finished it.
223
00:10:38,702 --> 00:10:41,182
Well, let's hope we all get as much
pleasure out of this one.
224
00:10:41,182 --> 00:10:43,452
PHONE BUZZES
No, no... Could you?
225
00:10:43,452 --> 00:10:45,543
Erm, I have a pretty full
afternoon, so...
226
00:10:45,543 --> 00:10:47,782
Oh, have you got to go back to
Finland again?
227
00:10:47,782 --> 00:10:50,222
No, Finland are coming here.
Oh. Well, that's easier for you.
228
00:10:50,222 --> 00:10:51,423
Mmm.
229
00:10:51,423 --> 00:10:54,672
Are you still OK to pick up
the invitations? Oh, yes, of course.
230
00:10:54,672 --> 00:10:57,752
And did you find that ribbon thing
for the flowers? Yes. Great.
231
00:10:57,752 --> 00:11:00,282
And is Martin's nose on the mend?
Yes.
232
00:11:00,282 --> 00:11:02,362
And how's the bassoon
solo coming on?
233
00:11:02,362 --> 00:11:04,622
PHONE VIBRATES
Oh, yes, he's practising.
234
00:11:04,622 --> 00:11:06,142
Oh, God, and now I just have to...
235
00:11:06,142 --> 00:11:08,092
What? Sorry, Claire, can you look
up, please?
236
00:11:08,092 --> 00:11:09,173
Thank you.
237
00:11:09,173 --> 00:11:10,902
Organise canapes for an awards
ceremony.
238
00:11:10,902 --> 00:11:12,732
Oh, gosh, you must be exhausted.
239
00:11:12,732 --> 00:11:14,722
Does the little cafe do canapes?
240
00:11:14,722 --> 00:11:16,722
It totally could, yeah.
241
00:11:16,722 --> 00:11:19,193
Well, there you are.
That's one off the list.
242
00:11:19,193 --> 00:11:20,943
Great.
243
00:11:23,372 --> 00:11:27,392
Gosh, haven't you got a lovely,
thick neck?
244
00:11:27,392 --> 00:11:29,162
PHONE VIBRATES
245
00:11:29,162 --> 00:11:30,602
That was fun. Thank you.
246
00:11:30,602 --> 00:11:32,832
I really can help with
the canapes if it's...
247
00:11:32,832 --> 00:11:34,932
I'm going to say this quickly. OK.
OK?
248
00:11:34,932 --> 00:11:37,272
Martin wants to press
charges against you for assault.
249
00:11:37,272 --> 00:11:39,782
I've tried to talk him down, but to
be fair, you did hit him
250
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:40,812
fucking hard. What?!
251
00:11:40,812 --> 00:11:43,522
I will provide you with exceptional
legal advice as long as
252
00:11:43,522 --> 00:11:46,443
you don't tell anyone I'm providing
you with exceptional legal advice.
253
00:11:46,443 --> 00:11:47,652
What?! This is happening.
254
00:11:47,652 --> 00:11:50,502
I am mortified,
but it is happening, OK?
255
00:11:50,502 --> 00:11:52,303
I will hire this lawyer to
scare him off
256
00:11:52,303 --> 00:11:55,092
and I will hire you to do
the canapes.
257
00:11:55,092 --> 00:11:56,632
Who's the lawyer?
Oh, he's a friend.
258
00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,502
He mainly defends rapists.
259
00:11:58,502 --> 00:11:59,812
He has a high success rate then.
260
00:11:59,812 --> 00:12:02,452
Undefeated. Come on.
261
00:12:02,452 --> 00:12:04,582
I've filled him in with the basics.
262
00:12:04,582 --> 00:12:06,062
That your husband's an animal?
263
00:12:06,062 --> 00:12:09,742
Be serious. Just do whatever he says
and don't flirt with him.
264
00:12:09,742 --> 00:12:12,812
I'm not going to f...
265
00:12:12,812 --> 00:12:14,992
Fucking hell, OK.
266
00:12:14,992 --> 00:12:16,742
Claire! David, thank you so much...
267
00:12:16,742 --> 00:12:18,303
Oh! Wow. Sorry.
268
00:12:18,303 --> 00:12:19,812
I can take you to court for that.
269
00:12:19,812 --> 00:12:21,022
THEY CHUCKLE
270
00:12:21,022 --> 00:12:23,942
This the little trouble maker, then?
Hi. Hi.
271
00:12:23,942 --> 00:12:27,732
Now, listen, I just want to be
clear that whatever happens,
272
00:12:27,732 --> 00:12:31,162
I don't sleep with people
I work with, OK?
273
00:12:31,162 --> 00:12:33,287
HE LAUGHS
274
00:12:33,782 --> 00:12:35,942
I'm joking.
275
00:12:35,942 --> 00:12:37,522
Slip on in, ladies.
276
00:12:37,522 --> 00:12:40,822
Well, if you spit guilty, you'll
have to swallow a short jail term,
277
00:12:40,822 --> 00:12:43,022
or community service if you're
lucky. Or?
278
00:12:43,022 --> 00:12:44,742
You definitely started it?
Yes.
279
00:12:44,742 --> 00:12:48,742
Any witnesses? About 30.
280
00:12:48,742 --> 00:12:50,712
The most important thing, honey,
281
00:12:50,712 --> 00:12:53,042
is that you do not, under any
circumstances, apologise.
282
00:12:53,042 --> 00:12:55,323
I can do that... No, that's not what
we discussed.
283
00:12:55,323 --> 00:12:57,912
That can be
taken as an admission of guilt.
284
00:12:57,912 --> 00:12:59,882
I assume you know the victim
personally?
285
00:12:59,882 --> 00:13:02,842
Yes... No, and let's not call
him the victim yet, shall we?
286
00:13:02,842 --> 00:13:04,162
Well, that's what he is.
287
00:13:04,162 --> 00:13:05,962
Yes. Right.
288
00:13:05,962 --> 00:13:07,402
They've definitely fucked.
289
00:13:07,402 --> 00:13:09,102
We just want a letter to
scare him off
290
00:13:09,102 --> 00:13:10,792
if he ends up seeking proper action.
291
00:13:10,792 --> 00:13:13,252
Really doesn't make sense, Claire.
Actually maybe not.
292
00:13:13,252 --> 00:13:14,662
I think it makes perfect sense.
293
00:13:14,662 --> 00:13:16,862
I just want to be ahead of the game.
God, I can't tell.
294
00:13:16,862 --> 00:13:19,102
That's a habit of yours, I've heard.
Oh, I've got it.
295
00:13:19,102 --> 00:13:20,433
Is it? They haven't...
296
00:13:20,433 --> 00:13:22,662
You're going to have to tell me who
said that. Never.
297
00:13:22,662 --> 00:13:25,152
..but they're going to. David.
Oh, God, I've got to get out.
298
00:13:25,152 --> 00:13:26,712
Claire. Excuse me.
299
00:13:26,712 --> 00:13:27,942
Where you off to, little lady?
300
00:13:27,942 --> 00:13:33,317
I'm just going to let this... Yeah.
301
00:13:47,582 --> 00:13:48,962
You all right?
302
00:13:48,962 --> 00:13:51,902
Yeah. Just thought I'd leave you to
it.
303
00:13:51,902 --> 00:13:53,742
Sorry. What?
304
00:13:53,742 --> 00:13:56,222
He says he'll only talk you through
potential proceedings
305
00:13:56,222 --> 00:13:58,942
if you go for a drink with him.
What? I know. Outrageous.
306
00:13:58,942 --> 00:14:00,902
Stop smiling.
I thought he was after you?
307
00:14:00,902 --> 00:14:03,602
So did I, but my hair isn't great at
the moment.
308
00:14:03,602 --> 00:14:05,433
Either way, it's very inappropriate.
309
00:14:05,433 --> 00:14:07,152
Don't sleep with him. I won't.
Don't.
310
00:14:07,152 --> 00:14:09,072
I won't. I don't do that anymore.
311
00:14:09,072 --> 00:14:11,512
What? Why? Are you ill?
312
00:14:11,512 --> 00:14:12,982
No. Then what?
313
00:14:12,982 --> 00:14:15,303
Well, I just...
314
00:14:15,303 --> 00:14:17,022
Oh, my God. Have you met someone?
315
00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,462
Well, not really.
316
00:14:19,462 --> 00:14:21,022
Back with Harry? No, it's
actually...
317
00:14:21,022 --> 00:14:22,982
Someone new? Well... Is he single?
318
00:14:22,982 --> 00:14:24,982
Sort of.
319
00:14:26,152 --> 00:14:27,712
Take this.
320
00:14:27,712 --> 00:14:29,982
I'll try talk Martin down,
but call him if you need him.
321
00:14:29,982 --> 00:14:31,952
He's a very good lawyer.
322
00:14:31,952 --> 00:14:34,152
Surprisingly...
323
00:14:34,152 --> 00:14:36,433
..tender underneath it all.
324
00:14:36,433 --> 00:14:37,982
Knew it.
325
00:14:37,982 --> 00:14:42,313
What you did in the restaurant was
unforgiveable. I know.
326
00:14:42,313 --> 00:14:44,563
Thank you.
327
00:14:46,152 --> 00:14:47,462
OK, well...
328
00:14:47,462 --> 00:14:49,872
Listen, I actually just wanted to
give you this.
329
00:14:49,872 --> 00:14:52,512
It's just one session, but you've
been through a lot, so I just...
330
00:14:52,512 --> 00:14:55,532
Oh, my God, I said I'm fine.
331
00:14:55,532 --> 00:14:58,657
I'm weirdly fine.
332
00:14:59,282 --> 00:15:03,532
I'd rather have the money.
333
00:15:17,512 --> 00:15:19,822
Excuse me, I've got dry forearms.
334
00:15:19,822 --> 00:15:21,447
Sure.
335
00:15:23,433 --> 00:15:25,232
So, why have you come to the
session?
336
00:15:25,232 --> 00:15:28,102
Oh, it was a birthday
present from my father.
337
00:15:28,102 --> 00:15:29,752
Is that a joke?
338
00:15:29,752 --> 00:15:31,127
No.
339
00:15:32,872 --> 00:15:34,792
It would be good not to make
jokes in here.
340
00:15:34,792 --> 00:15:39,872
Just in case anything gets
lost in humorous translation.
341
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:43,433
Oh, I don't know if I can do that.
342
00:15:43,433 --> 00:15:44,792
Is that a joke?
343
00:15:44,792 --> 00:15:46,167
No.
344
00:15:47,232 --> 00:15:51,872
Oh, just try not to, or make
it very obvious.
345
00:15:51,872 --> 00:15:53,232
Sure.
346
00:15:53,232 --> 00:15:56,512
So, why do you think your father
suggested you come for counselling?
347
00:15:56,512 --> 00:15:58,952
I think because my mother died
and he can't talk about it
348
00:15:58,952 --> 00:16:01,433
and my sister and I didn't speak for
a year because she thinks
349
00:16:01,433 --> 00:16:03,952
I tried to sleep with her husband
and because I spent most
350
00:16:03,952 --> 00:16:06,392
of my adult life using sex to
deflect from the screaming void
351
00:16:06,392 --> 00:16:08,512
inside my empty heart.
I'm good at this.
352
00:16:08,512 --> 00:16:11,112
Although I don't really
do that any more.
353
00:16:11,112 --> 00:16:14,792
You close with your family?
354
00:16:14,792 --> 00:16:16,512
We get on with it.
355
00:16:16,512 --> 00:16:18,892
Do you talk? God no!
356
00:16:18,892 --> 00:16:20,832
Any friends?
357
00:16:20,832 --> 00:16:24,207
Sorry? Any friends?
358
00:16:25,063 --> 00:16:26,512
Erm...
359
00:16:26,512 --> 00:16:28,592
No, I don't really have time for...
360
00:16:28,592 --> 00:16:31,193
Well, I have a guinea pig,
but she blows hot and cold.
361
00:16:31,193 --> 00:16:33,568
Not a joke.
362
00:16:34,232 --> 00:16:36,232
Tell me about the sex.
363
00:16:36,232 --> 00:16:38,482
SHE LAUGHS
364
00:16:38,702 --> 00:16:40,232
All of it?
365
00:16:40,232 --> 00:16:42,002
You said you don't do that now.
366
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:45,902
Oh, no, I just play tennis now.
367
00:16:45,902 --> 00:16:48,392
Tough crowd.
368
00:16:48,392 --> 00:16:49,782
Sorry.
369
00:16:49,782 --> 00:16:51,782
Ijust...
370
00:16:51,832 --> 00:16:54,672
Sex didn't bring anything...
371
00:16:54,672 --> 00:16:58,232
good, so I'm trying not to...
372
00:16:58,232 --> 00:16:59,672
But I've...
373
00:16:59,672 --> 00:17:02,032
And what have you found
in your abstinence?
374
00:17:02,032 --> 00:17:07,063
Well, I'm very horny and
your little scarf isn't helping.
375
00:17:07,063 --> 00:17:09,342
So, the impulse is still there?
376
00:17:09,342 --> 00:17:10,967
Oh...
377
00:17:11,472 --> 00:17:14,752
Yeah, the impulse is...
378
00:17:14,752 --> 00:17:17,632
The impulse is very
much still there.
379
00:17:17,632 --> 00:17:19,832
It's just never the right person.
380
00:17:19,832 --> 00:17:21,207
Mm.
381
00:17:21,313 --> 00:17:24,112
So there is a particular person
you're not having sex with?
382
00:17:24,112 --> 00:17:25,487
No!
383
00:17:25,702 --> 00:17:28,592
Well, look, nothing's happened.
I just...
384
00:17:28,592 --> 00:17:30,392
He's not available.
385
00:17:30,392 --> 00:17:32,632
In a relationship? Yes, a bad one.
386
00:17:32,632 --> 00:17:34,342
Oh, really? How so?
387
00:17:34,342 --> 00:17:36,342
It's a sort of relationship
where one partner
388
00:17:36,342 --> 00:17:38,752
tells the other how to dress.
Are you in love with him?
389
00:17:38,752 --> 00:17:40,602
LAUGHS: N0!
390
00:17:40,602 --> 00:17:42,882
Why do you find that funny?
391
00:17:42,882 --> 00:17:44,602
Well, I...
392
00:17:44,602 --> 00:17:46,522
I dunno, Ijust...
393
00:17:46,522 --> 00:17:48,752
I don't... No!
394
00:17:48,752 --> 00:17:51,752
Just not a romantic? No.
395
00:17:51,752 --> 00:17:53,352
Just...
396
00:17:53,352 --> 00:17:59,063
a girl with no friends
and an empty heart?
397
00:17:59,063 --> 00:18:03,063
By your own description.
398
00:18:06,472 --> 00:18:07,782
I have friends.
399
00:18:07,782 --> 00:18:11,672
Oh, so you do have someone
to talk to.
400
00:18:11,672 --> 00:18:13,297
Yeah.
401
00:18:14,912 --> 00:18:16,392
Do you see them a lot?
402
00:18:16,392 --> 00:18:18,502
Oh, they're...they're always there.
403
00:18:18,502 --> 00:18:20,472
They're...
404
00:18:20,472 --> 00:18:22,782
They're always there.
405
00:18:22,782 --> 00:18:25,632
Why do you find that funny?
Listen, I don't need to be analysed.
406
00:18:25,632 --> 00:18:29,073
I have a nice life. I just wanted to
exchange the voucher for the money.
407
00:18:29,073 --> 00:18:30,962
It's a bit late for that now.
408
00:18:30,962 --> 00:18:35,352
I've only been here five minutes.
409
00:18:35,352 --> 00:18:38,477
I want the money.
410
00:18:39,502 --> 00:18:41,682
I want to fuck a priest.
411
00:18:41,682 --> 00:18:43,392
Catholic? Yes!
412
00:18:43,392 --> 00:18:45,112
A good one? Yes!
413
00:18:45,112 --> 00:18:49,432
Looks good in the, erm...
Mmm, yes. I understand.
414
00:18:49,432 --> 00:18:51,323
Do you really want
to fuck the priest,
415
00:18:51,323 --> 00:18:53,552
or do you want to fuck God?
416
00:18:53,552 --> 00:18:56,402
Can you fuck God? Oh, yes.
417
00:18:56,402 --> 00:18:59,502
Look just please tell me
how to not fuck a priest,
418
00:18:59,502 --> 00:19:01,272
before I get arrested.
419
00:19:01,272 --> 00:19:04,242
Well, I don't think fucking a priest
will make you feel as powerful
420
00:19:04,242 --> 00:19:06,632
as you think it will. Can you just
tell me what to do?
421
00:19:06,632 --> 00:19:08,757
You know.
422
00:19:09,242 --> 00:19:12,152
You already know what you're
going to do. Everybody does.
423
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:13,472
What?!
424
00:19:13,472 --> 00:19:16,682
You've already decided
what you're going to do.
425
00:19:16,682 --> 00:19:20,582
So what's the point in you?
426
00:19:20,582 --> 00:19:23,712
You know what you're going to do.
427
00:19:23,712 --> 00:19:25,352
No, I don't. Yes, you do.
428
00:19:25,352 --> 00:19:26,582
I don't! You do!
429
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:29,482
I don't! You do! I don't...
430
00:19:29,482 --> 00:19:31,323
Good luck! Thank you.
431
00:19:31,323 --> 00:19:33,323
Shut up.
432
00:19:34,073 --> 00:19:35,962
Hi, can I have two
raffle tickets, please?
433
00:19:35,962 --> 00:19:38,272
Oh, my God. Oh, my God, hi!
434
00:19:38,272 --> 00:19:39,912
Hi! You're...
435
00:19:39,912 --> 00:19:41,912
Yeah! ..with child. Yes. Cool!
436
00:19:41,912 --> 00:19:44,323
You, you got a fringe! Yeah!
Yeah. Oh, cool.
437
00:19:44,323 --> 00:19:47,552
Aw, you always wanted a baby!
You always wanted a fringe.
438
00:19:47,552 --> 00:19:49,402
She is amazing.
439
00:19:49,402 --> 00:19:51,962
I mean, it's been tough,
but amazing. Oh, yeah?
440
00:19:51,962 --> 00:19:54,122
Yeah, I mean, the birth
really took its toll.
441
00:19:54,122 --> 00:19:56,912
Oh, really? Was it a tricky one?
I can't really remember it now.
442
00:19:56,912 --> 00:19:59,482
But the whole thing has
just really changed me.
443
00:19:59,482 --> 00:20:01,352
I just don't feel...
444
00:20:01,352 --> 00:20:05,712
You know, my emotions are up and
down. My body just feels different.
445
00:20:05,712 --> 00:20:08,592
I mean, Elaine is being amazing,
so supportive...
446
00:20:08,592 --> 00:20:11,272
It sounds like you have got
post—natal depression. I do, yeah,
447
00:20:11,272 --> 00:20:14,402
but we're working through it.
448
00:20:14,402 --> 00:20:15,962
Sure. Just to let you know,
449
00:20:15,962 --> 00:20:17,953
the band is going to start
in a couple of minutes.
450
00:20:17,953 --> 00:20:19,632
Hey, Father. This is Suzie!
451
00:20:19,632 --> 00:20:21,953
Aw, I don't know how
to talk to babies, sorry.
452
00:20:21,953 --> 00:20:23,592
Do you guys know each other?
453
00:20:23,592 --> 00:20:25,512
Er, yeah. We sort of used to...
454
00:20:25,512 --> 00:20:27,352
I used to be her girlfriend.
455
00:20:27,352 --> 00:20:29,477
Oh, cool.
456
00:20:30,042 --> 00:20:31,872
Good for you!
457
00:20:31,872 --> 00:20:33,842
I'm going to go
and show her the coconuts.
458
00:20:33,842 --> 00:20:36,352
She's really good at counting. OK!
459
00:20:36,352 --> 00:20:38,282
Excuse me, everyone!
460
00:20:38,282 --> 00:20:42,073
The Youthy Band is about to
play the ode to something!
461
00:20:42,073 --> 00:20:43,712
You having fun? Yes, yeah.
462
00:20:43,712 --> 00:20:44,992
Selling well? Yes, I think so.
463
00:20:44,992 --> 00:20:46,642
Good. Oh, puzzle.
I love a puzzle!
464
00:20:46,642 --> 00:20:49,152
Father, the Youthy Band are about...
Yes, I heard you, Pam.
465
00:20:49,152 --> 00:20:52,992
Thank you, thank you so much.
Thank you.
466
00:20:52,992 --> 00:20:54,992
Ah, there's the main event. Yeah!
467
00:20:54,992 --> 00:20:57,482
Very talented. She, erm, she...
468
00:20:57,482 --> 00:20:59,042
Don't say it.
469
00:20:59,042 --> 00:21:00,512
She, she, actually...
470
00:21:00,512 --> 00:21:01,762
Just don't say it.
471
00:21:01,762 --> 00:21:03,842
She actually orgasmed
when she finished it.
472
00:21:03,842 --> 00:21:05,042
I just said it.
473
00:21:05,042 --> 00:21:07,917
Apparently. Ah!
474
00:21:09,122 --> 00:21:13,762
Well, whatever gets you there!
475
00:21:13,762 --> 00:21:17,122
Father! Father, we have
a cupcake situation over here!
476
00:21:17,122 --> 00:21:18,872
OK, Pam! I will be there to cupcake.
477
00:21:18,872 --> 00:21:20,362
THEY LAUGH
478
00:21:20,362 --> 00:21:25,112
Thank you so much for helping.
479
00:21:27,722 --> 00:21:29,972
Arm touch.
480
00:21:32,122 --> 00:21:35,622
HE PLAYS OUT OF TIME
481
00:21:35,953 --> 00:21:39,642
At least my son is in the
Youthy Band, what's your excuse?
482
00:21:39,642 --> 00:21:41,267
Urgh!
483
00:21:41,592 --> 00:21:43,762
I'm helping the priest.
484
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:46,792
Wow, you do love a challenge,
don't you?
485
00:21:46,792 --> 00:21:48,592
Hey, I just want to say something...
486
00:21:48,592 --> 00:21:50,722
It's from River Island.
I got it last week.
487
00:21:50,722 --> 00:21:55,042
No. I want to say that I'm sorry
for saying what I said.
488
00:21:55,042 --> 00:21:57,442
I'm sorry for what you went through.
489
00:21:57,442 --> 00:22:00,672
I'm sorry. I know what you're doing.
I'm not going to say it.
490
00:22:00,672 --> 00:22:02,203
I'm just saying sorry.
491
00:22:02,203 --> 00:22:03,482
I'm not going to say it.
492
00:22:03,482 --> 00:22:05,203
I'm sorry.
493
00:22:05,203 --> 00:22:06,953
Mm—mm.
494
00:22:09,232 --> 00:22:10,607
OK.
495
00:22:11,232 --> 00:22:12,762
And thank you.
496
00:22:12,762 --> 00:22:14,762
She and I have never been better.
Oh!
497
00:22:14,762 --> 00:22:16,802
You had a big part in that.
498
00:22:16,802 --> 00:22:18,842
I'm happy for you.
499
00:22:18,842 --> 00:22:21,802
I'm happy you've found a way
to deflect from your pitiful,
500
00:22:21,802 --> 00:22:24,672
self—sabotaging, ego—driven,
masturbatory...
501
00:22:24,672 --> 00:22:27,162
I cannot believe how well
this is coming out.
502
00:22:27,162 --> 00:22:29,312
..pawing, insidious, insidious,
503
00:22:29,312 --> 00:22:31,032
overwhelming mediocrity,
504
00:22:31,032 --> 00:22:37,772
only to finally figure out that
at your very core, you are a weaky.
505
00:22:37,772 --> 00:22:38,922
Damn!
506
00:22:38,922 --> 00:22:40,032
A "weaky"?
507
00:22:40,032 --> 00:22:41,282
Damn! Damn!
508
00:22:41,282 --> 00:22:44,157
Wow. A "weaky"?
509
00:22:49,232 --> 00:22:52,392
In that case, I just
wanted you to know
510
00:22:52,392 --> 00:22:55,922
that I'm impressed with
how you just keep bouncing back.
511
00:22:55,922 --> 00:22:57,842
I really am.
512
00:22:57,842 --> 00:23:00,967
You're a strongy.
513
00:23:01,882 --> 00:23:03,312
That was awesome, man.
514
00:23:03,312 --> 00:23:05,242
Creepy Jake, mainly
says things like...
515
00:23:05,242 --> 00:23:06,642
Where's Claire? ..and...
516
00:23:06,642 --> 00:23:07,722
Where's Claire?
517
00:23:07,722 --> 00:23:09,282
She couldn't make it, man.
518
00:23:09,282 --> 00:23:12,162
Lucky for us, your aunt
is an avid church goer.
519
00:23:12,162 --> 00:23:13,722
Hi. Thanks for watching.
520
00:23:13,722 --> 00:23:16,203
Oh, you were excellent.
521
00:23:16,203 --> 00:23:17,852
Oh! Ooh.
522
00:23:17,852 --> 00:23:19,392
Careful there, buddy.
523
00:23:19,392 --> 00:23:21,672
You could go down for that
sort of behaviour these days.
524
00:23:21,672 --> 00:23:24,162
It was just a hug.
"Oh, it was just a hug!"
525
00:23:24,162 --> 00:23:26,083
You got to do better
than that these days, boy.
526
00:23:26,083 --> 00:23:30,722
Specially round this firecracker.
But I didn't do... Come on.
527
00:23:30,722 --> 00:23:32,752
I don't want to be an asshole.
528
00:23:32,752 --> 00:23:34,672
I just want her to be happy.
529
00:23:34,672 --> 00:23:38,392
And she has been really happy...
530
00:23:38,392 --> 00:23:41,083
..until she saw you.
531
00:23:41,083 --> 00:23:42,922
Just saying.
532
00:23:42,922 --> 00:23:44,422
Wow.
533
00:23:49,492 --> 00:23:51,617
SHE SIGHS
534
00:23:52,782 --> 00:23:55,422
CHORAL SINGING
535
00:23:55,422 --> 00:23:56,982
Psst.
CHORAL SINGING STOPS
536
00:23:56,982 --> 00:23:58,732
Hi, Jake. Ooh.
537
00:23:58,732 --> 00:24:02,112
Tell her to leave him.
538
00:24:02,112 --> 00:24:03,737
What?
539
00:24:03,782 --> 00:24:07,532
Tell her to leave him.
540
00:24:16,702 --> 00:24:21,953
He's going to kill someone one day.
541
00:24:21,953 --> 00:24:24,482
Hey! Yes, Father!
542
00:24:24,482 --> 00:24:27,282
Yes, Father? I can't believe
I'm saying this, but...
543
00:24:27,282 --> 00:24:28,642
Oh, God.
544
00:24:28,642 --> 00:24:31,392
Can I get that coconut back?
They're actually on hire.
545
00:24:31,392 --> 00:24:33,712
I'm not sure if a lot of them
are even real, actually,
546
00:24:33,712 --> 00:24:36,922
which is morally a bit dubious,
but we've got to make money somehow.
547
00:24:36,922 --> 00:24:38,102
Thank you.
548
00:24:38,102 --> 00:24:39,592
Knuckle brush.
549
00:24:39,592 --> 00:24:42,432
Er, also, I hope you don't mind,
but, erm...
550
00:24:42,432 --> 00:24:45,432
I've marked a few pages in here
that I thought might be...
551
00:24:45,432 --> 00:24:46,642
Ooh, eh.
THEY LAUGH
552
00:24:46,642 --> 00:24:50,432
No, no, no, no. I'm not trying to...
553
00:24:50,432 --> 00:24:52,032
They're just words.
554
00:24:52,032 --> 00:24:56,002
OK, it's just I,
I think I know what happens.
555
00:24:56,002 --> 00:24:58,002
Classic.
556
00:24:58,823 --> 00:25:02,448
Come on, have a read.
557
00:25:02,823 --> 00:25:04,592
I'd like to know what do you think.
558
00:25:04,592 --> 00:25:06,312
And if you ever want to, er,
559
00:25:06,312 --> 00:25:08,823
talk about stuff, I'm here.
560
00:25:08,823 --> 00:25:11,792
With a G&T, of course.
561
00:25:11,792 --> 00:25:15,282
You can come whenever you want.
562
00:25:15,282 --> 00:25:17,182
I'd like you to come,
563
00:25:17,182 --> 00:25:19,682
if it helps.
564
00:25:24,642 --> 00:25:25,642
A CAPELLA CHORAL SINGING
40371
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