Original subtitles

Subtitles by explosiveskull

♪ [The Andrews Sisters' "Any Bonds Today"]

♪ ♪

THE ANDREWS SISTERS: ♪ Any bonds today ♪

♪ The bonds of freedom, that's what I'm selling ♪

♪ Any bonds today ♪

♪ Scrape up the most you can ♪

♪ Here comes the freedom man ♪

♪ Asking you to buy a share of freedom today ♪

♪ Any stamps today ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ We'll be blessed if we all invest ♪

♪ In the U.S.A. ♪

♪ Here comes the freedom man ♪

♪ Can't make tomorrow's plan ♪

♪ Not unless you buy a share of freedom today ♪

[cheers and applause]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause] MAN: Whoo!

[indistinct chatter]

WOMAN: ♪ The tall man with the high hat ♪

♪ And the whiskers on his chin ♪

♪ Will soon be knocking at your door ♪

[horn honking]

Who's Major Major?

Well, we need you for the group leaders meeting.

We're allocating the Requisitions Budget

for next quarter. Let's go.

Uh, I--I'm sorry, and my part in that is?

All members of Senior Command are automatically part

of the Group Leaders' Allocation and Requisition

Procedural Advisory Board, GLARPAB.

GLARPAB?

For God's sakes, we're late for the meeting.

Oh, with all due respect, sir, I'm a sergeant.

You're a sergeant? Yes, sir.

I'm only a sergeant.

But you're Major Major. Yes, sir.

That's my name, sir. Uh...[laughs]

I've been through this with the fellas, sir.

Uh, it's my birth name. It's a funny story.

Um, but now may not be the time.

So, yes, in short, I'm Sergeant Major Major.

Major Major is my name. Sergeant is my rank.

He's already on the calendar sheets right up to September.

List--

Good Christ, that means that he's also in the--

Yes, sir.

He's already down for Wednesday's

subcommittee briefings, yes.

Sergeant.

Major--Sergeant--whatever your goddamn name is,

you're not making a whiff of sense to me.

Sir, uh, like I told the fellas,

well, uh, my father was something of a practical joker.

He named me Major Major.

First name Major, middle name Major,

behind my mother's back, uh, on the birth certificate.

Uh, and my surname's Major, too, as you already know.

Well, that is a hell of a practical joke,

isn't it, son?

He was a piece of work, sir.

What are we gonna do?

We can't have a goddamn sergeant in GLARPAB.

That's correct, sir. It's for Senior Command only.

Unless, sir, you promote him.

Sergeant Major, step forward.

Sergeant Major, congratulations.

I'm herby promoting you to a major.

Congratulations. Get in.

MAJOR: But, no, sir--sir, I--

CATHCART: You're a good man. You've earned it.

You've worked hard. Yes, sir.

Um, d-does that mean, uh--

what--will my duties be any different?

Will his duties be any different, Colonel Korn?

Of course, sir. He's a major, sir.

Of course there are. You're a major.

We don't just hand out promotions willy-nilly.

You'll act like a major,

you'll perform the duties of a major, God damn it.

Yes, sir. And--and--and those are?

Major Major, congratulations. You're a major.

Give him the goddamn thing.

These are the minutes from last Allocation

and Requisitions meeting and the agenda for today.

Uh...

[car engine revving]

Don't just stand there!

Get in the goddamn jeep.

♪ [Johnny Hodges' "Things Ain't What They Used To Be"]

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.

♪ ♪

Hey, fellas!

♪ ♪

Okay. These go inside.

You carry two at a time. Like this.

Carry, carry.

Rapido, rapido!

Good lads. Bueno, bueno.

What's going on?

Oh, you like watermelons?

What is this?

They didn't tell you? Tell me what?

Oh, I am so sorry about that.

I'm the Mess Officer now.

[chuckles] What are you talking about?

Uh, I am the Mess Officer now.

And, uh, you're not.

But this is what I do.

I know. I tried to tell them that myself.

It's ridiculous.

What the hell do I know about running a kitchen?

No, no. Those go in the pantry.

♪ ♪

At 0930, sir, Major Prendergast from the Car Relative

Operations Southern Division Committee

will be here to speak to you about the combined groups'

requisition outreach.

At 1000, that'll be Colonel Westridge.

Okay, 1100, a Milo Minderbinder

has asked to see you. He's the Mess Officer.

He wants to talk to you about an unusual new variety

of truffles, sir.

Apparently they're worth a lot of money.

Okay.

What would you say if I told you I don't want

to see those people?

Which people in particular, sir?

All of them. Any of them.

Well, sir, my job is to schedule your day

as you request.

Okay, uh, from now on, I would much prefer if no one

came in to see me while I'm here.

Yes, sir. Does that include me, sir?

Yes, that includes you, sergeant.

Of course, sir.

That's no one ever.

I see, sir. Very good, sir.

Will that be all, sir?

Yes.

[laughing]

Uh, yes, yes. That will be all.

[chuckles]

What shall I say to the people who do come to see you

while you're here?

Tell them, uh--tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.

Yes, sir. For how long?

Until I've left.

W-what shall I do with them then, sir?

Uh, you know what? I don't care.

May I send them in to see you after you've left?

Yes. Yes, you may. You may indeed.

But you won't be here then, will you?

Yes, that's correct.

Well, sir, just to clarify, when should I come here

to find out if there's anything you want me to do for you?

When I'm not here.

Yes, and what should I do?

Uh, whatever I tell you to.

But you won't be here to tell me.

No. Then what should I do?

Whatever has to be done.

Cross that bridge when we come to it.

Yes, sir.

Good.

Well, dismissed, then.

[door clicks shut]

CHAPLAIN: The Lord is my shepherd.

I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside still waters.

He restoreth my soul.

He leadeth me in paths of righteousness

for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil.

Look, enough with all the death stuff, huh?

What do you say we send the boys out feeling good?

Don't you have something a little bit more, I dunno,

goddamn sunnier?

Sunnier.

May the road rise to meet you.

May the wind be always at your back,

the sun shine warm upon your face,

the rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

may God hold you in the palm of his hand.

[loud booming]

MAN: Closing in on target. 30 seconds to run.

[plane engines rumbling]

Crew, you still fucking alive back there?

[dramatic music]

MAN: Yossarian, are you on a steady heading?

We're approaching.

Steady.

♪ ♪

[motors running]

♪ ♪

Bombs away.

Okay, over to you, McWatt. get us out of here.

♪ ♪

[booming]

♪ ♪

[tires squealing]

♪ ♪

[bell dings]

CATHCART: We have pounded the bastards into submission

and we have taken Rome.

Congratulations, gentlemen.

St. Lawrence Basilica, rubble.

This one, good job.

This, bravo. Bravo, gentlemen.

What is this?

What the hell is this?

What in the goddamn hell is this?

That looks like a goddamn tourist postcard!

Hands up, bombardiers.

Well, there you have it.

A group of idiots trying to singlehandedly

lose this fucking war for us.

Next time, why don't we just drop leaflets?

Guten tag, my German friends.

You just have a fine old fucking day, why don't you?

What are we trying to be?

What have I told you that we are trying to be?

Comprehensive. Blanket coverage.

Flush the enemy out. How many times have I told you?

How many times--

That's the Vatican, sir.

All right, then. That's Vatican City.

And as we all know, that is neutral territory, so good job.

That is precision bombing, gentlemen.

You gotta respect that neutral territory.

Terrific job.

Gotta love those Catholics, huh?

And the Jews.

Major de Coverley.

Major de Coverley will be heading to Rome to spearhead

his Advance Reconnaissance Residential Plan

and, as usual, securing accommodations for the officers

in the performing of their administrative duties

as well as their weekend leave, of course.

Major de Coverley, we look forward, as always, to your...

splendid accommodations.

That's if I can find any still standing in there.

[laughter]

I'm sure you will.

Gosh, I'm proud of you, gentlemen.

I'm very proud indeed.

So what do you say we speed this thing up, hmm?

Are you with me? All right, then.

Let's get this thing over and done with.

Let's put the hurt on Jerry. Let's pitch in.

Let's raise the mission count to 35.

35 it is, gentlemen. We're gonna win this thing.

We're gonna win this fucking thing.

35 it is. [bell dings]

[quirky music]

Can't go in there, sir. Yes, I can.

He's my point guard.

He's raising the missions again.

He's raising the goddamn missions again.

He's awfully keen.

No, he's not keen. He's crazy!

I-I have no power. Yes, you do.

You have the power to stand men down.

On what basis? Find a basis.

Good God, there are basises everywhere.

Yossarian, I don't even want to be here.

I'm two missions away.

And, bang, 35, just like that.

And just like that, I'm 7 away.

That's terrible.

Yossarian, that's simply terrible.

I'm afraid.

That--that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm not ashamed. I'm afraid.

So what are we gonna do?

I don't know.

I-I don't even know what powers I have.

Well, somebody must know.

It must be written down somewhere.

Yeah?

Probably in here somewhere.

What the hell is that?

It's the Group Leaders Operations Manual.

Perhaps I should read it.

Jesus Christ. Okay.

You read this.

You figure out what your powers are.

And you come find me when you know how they can be used

to help me, hmm?

Mm-hmm.

I'll be in the hospital.

Thank you, Major.

I mean...thank you, sir.

[quirky music]

♪ ♪

Hello. How are you?

♪ ♪

Hi. Hi.

How are you?

Hello.

♪ ♪

What's going on here?

I just need a few days, maximum.

A few days for what? For my situation.

My situation's complicated.

I have a major working on it right now.

He's having to sort through some very technical details.

Documents. Debts.

What's that got to do with you being in here?

Well, if it helps your situation at all,

I really am feeling a little unwell.

My situation?

Look, I'll be quiet as a mouse.

If you need a bed, I'm out of here in two minutes

and you'll barely even know that I'm here.

Please?

♪ [Tommy Dorsey's "Then I'll Be Happy"]

♪ ♪

TEXAN: Remember the Alamo? You're goddamn right I do.

We didn't take no handouts.

We took Texas by hook or by crook

one county at a time.

That's my grandpappy I'm talking about there, boy.

His grandpappy 'fore him.

Soil Conservation Society thinks they can tell us

how to farm our own land.

Well, we've been doing that for 120 years,

thank you very much.

You're very welcome indeed, sir.

I grew up on a 900-acre spread out near Sonora.

It's all horizon out there, boy.

Horizon, every direction.

[chuckles]

This one time, me and my pappy, we was leading 1,000 head

through a dry gulch, and we heard this noise.

What on Earth could that be?

Sounds a little like thunder.

Only it keeps rumbling.

And it ain't no thunder.

Turns out it'd been raining up near Christoval.

Whoo-hoo, them gulches ain't seen water in 100 years.

And I'm yelling, "Pappy, you hearing this?"

Suddenly, there's a longhorn about 100 yards up.

He's met with a wall of water.

[mimics water rushing] You could feel it hit him.

Turned him flankside like a linebacker.

And the wave is acting like a cow catcher on the front

of a train just collecting all them steers.

[mimics water rushing]

And it's coming for us.

Just a whole tumble fuck of--

♪ [Il Volo's "O Sole Mio"]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Che bella cosa ♪

♪ Na jurnata 'e sole ♪

♪ N'aria serena doppo ♪

♪ Na tempesta ♪

♪ Pe' ll'aria fresca ♪

♪ Pare gia' na festa ♪

♪ Che bella cosa ♪

♪ Na jurnata 'e sole ♪

Buongiorno. Buongiorno.

Un caffè, per favore, e un... glass of water.

Si, signore.

Uh, the, um-- the building--the, uh--

What do you call it? Uh...

edificio.

Who-- qui-- owns the building?

The-- Scusi?

Uh, the proprietario of the edificio.

Un secondo. Giuseppe.

[speaking Italian]

Proprietario. That's it, that's it.

[speaking Italian]

May I help you, sir?

Ah. English.

I want to know who owns that building 'cause I need

to requisition it on behalf of the fighting men

of the United States of America.

TEXAN: People of means, decent folk,

they deserve more votes than drifters and whores--criminals.

Degenerates, atheists. They're indecent folk.

You know, people without means.

You know what I'm saying?

Way I see it, there's only two types of people in this world.

People of means and people without means.

You gotta get me a private room.

I'm losing my mind.

This has become a mental health issue now.

What about that oath that you take

about not doing me any harm?

The Hippocratic oath? That's the one.

That's just for doctors.

Oh, come on. What do you say?

A little peace and quiet would be

tremendously beneficial to me.

Don't push it.

Lift your tongue.

TEXAN: One man, one vote's poppycock.

But one man ain't always equal to one other man.

That's just the way it is.

That's the law of nature, man.

Some folks, it's just-- it's claws and disembowelment

from cradle to gra--

[plane engines rumbling]

[tires squealing]

Now, with one new runway-- this one--

you increase your overall flight capacity

to 162 per day.

Additional? Correct, sir.

Now, a second runway, engineering-wise,

it's a bigger job.

We have to extend out here past the spit.

But if we do that, you're gonna be able to siphon off

some of the heavier cargo flights from runway one

and that'll take you to 420 individual flights per week.

420?

No one on the other bases come close to that.

I don't think so, sir, no.

This is a three-month flow chart analyzing the cost

of the one runway option versus--

Oh, forget the one runway option, Korn.

Yes. Think big.

I thought so.

For God's sakes, if I had a nickel for every

small thought of yours, I'd be the richest--

What on God's green Earth is that?

MILO: It's only me, sir.

CATHCART: Who in the hell are you?

I'm Milo Minderbinder, sir.

I'm the new Mess Officer. You may have heard of me.

Do you realize these men have orders to shoot to kill?

Uh, we come...

bearing tomatoes, sir.

You're gonna have to try this.

Wait, wait.

This is olive oil, sir.

The Italians use it for everything.

[cork pops]

My God. You get it?

Korn, try one of these.

[groans]

Good God.

♪ [Johnny Hodges' "Things Ain't What They Used To Be"]

They're selling for $3 a bale in London!

That's a 550% markup!

550? That's an interesting number.

You're saying that I'm buying tomatoes off of you

in this scenario?

Well, what I'm actually saying, sir,

is that for you this time, it's actually

an infinity percent markup because--because I'd like you

to have these tomatoes, sir, to do with as you may!

Well, that's very generous of you,

but I couldn't possibly take all these tomato--

And then, of course, in the normal course of business,

I could offer you future shipments

at very attractive rates, almost at my cost, sir.

So you'd be dropping from infinity percent

back to 500, 300, thereabouts, should you wish to participate.

Well, Milo--participate?

Participate.

Well, Milo, commerce isn't exactly my bag.

I've got a base to ru-- Oh, you'd be a natural, sir.

I got a good eye for these things.

I am planning on building a couple runways out there,

increase flight capacity, all that jazz, but I'm not--

Well, increased flight capacity means

increased profits for those with the vision to see it.

War is not about profit, son. Absolutely, sir.

Not only.

War is about the just defeating the unjust.

It is absolutely that too, sir.

What about you, son?

Are you enjoying your missions?

I'm proud to be doing my bit, sir.

Yes, indeed. Thank you for asking.

Good, good.

Good, good.

TEXAN: Are you a Bill Bevens man?

Or are you a Ralph Branca man? Hmm?

Well, let's look at this season.

Bill Bevens has got an ERA so far of 3.68.

But his 1944 ERA was 2.67.

So you gotta ask yourself,

what happened to Bill Bevens this year?

Now, Ralph Branca, his ERA's around 3,

but you gotta remember kid's 19, right?

He's just gonna keep getting better.

And Bill Bevens, he's 28.

That elbow's getting tired.

So you're the Yankees' GM. What are you gonna do?

How often you gonna relieve him?

Well, who do you got?

You got Tiny Bonham, you got Spud Chandler--

He can't fucking hear you!

We don't even know if he's alive in there!

I can hear you. I know you can, buddy.

Do we all have to listen to your bullshit?

TEXAN: What's your fucking problem?

You! You're my fucking problem!

Me? What did I do? You won't shut up!

I can't even hear myself think! This is a fucking hospital!

TEXAN: Yeah, it's a fucking hospital.

It's not a fucking library!

I'm helping this fuck, man. He's trapped in there.

Where's your humanity?

Oh, you're bringing him out of his shell, are you?

Come on, guys. Stay out of it, buddy.

I just want some peace and quiet.

We all do.

We're all just trying to fucking convalesce here.

Oh, okay, you've been elected ward spokesman now,

is that right, numb nuts?

[clattering]

You want a piece of me? Not really.

Well, you're gonna get one. Okay, then.

Okay, then. Great.

Great.

[both grunting]

[clattering]

[men shouting] YOSSARIAN: I'll kill ya!

Hey, hey! What is going on here?

Hey! Knock it off!

YOSSARIAN: Ah, I'll kill you!

That's it, Yossarian. You're out of here!

What?

MAN: Son of a bitch! Let's go!

MAN: Yo-Yo, come on, are we close yet?

MAN: Yossarian, where we at?

MAN: Clear, 053. Closing in 3,200.

[booming]

MAN: You got fire. Are you okay?

MAN: Yo-Yo, we almost there?

MAN: We're holding.

MAN: Open them up! Open them up!

[rumbling]

Fucking Christ. Jesus fucking Christ.

Jeez!

Ooh, fuck! Ooh, fuck!

MAN: Yeah, we're coming up on it now.

All right, just hold steady right there.

MAN: We're over it now. We gotta drop.

Let's go. Open them up.

[dramatic music]

Coming up on your left, Yossarian.

Are you holding steady?

MAN: We're sitting right on top of them, Yo-Yo!

Yo-Yo!

Drop them, Yo-Yo!

♪ ♪

Release.

[plane engines roaring]

[booming]

[bell dings]

[motorcycle engine puttering]

MAN: Now I push.

MAN: Okay. Forget it.

Fold, I'm out.

What? Hey, you know, it's funny.

You would've thought I would've been more of a problem, but...

[all shouting]

MAN: Come on. MAN: Not fair!

MAN: Come on.

Very nice. Very clean.

Bellissimo.

Leave her alone, Aarfy.

AARFY: I'm just saying, she's very clean.

What's your name, honey?

Uh, what is it? [speaking Italian]

Um... [speaking Italian]

[speaking Italian]

Michaela. That's very nice.

Me and you should go for a walk sometime, Michaela.

MICHAELA: Scusi?

AARFY: We should go for a walk sometime!

You look like Bette Davis.

Oh, give it a rest, Aarfy. She doesn't understand you.

[indistinct chatter]

Gentlemen.

No, no, sit down.

So how are we?

Enjoying our rest and recreation in the eternal city?

SAMPSON: Oh, yes, sir. We are, sir.

Oh, what's on the dance card for this evening?

Uh, Nately lost his mind to a woman of the night.

[laughter]

She's, like, the most real person

that I've ever met, Yo-Yo.

She tries to speak English.

She gets the words wrong and we laugh.

We just laugh a lot.

♪ [Rex Stuart's "My Sunday Gal"]

Yeah, we talked all night. How does that happen?

You know, I've got this phrase book,

but it's not like I'm looking at the phrase book

every two seconds.

We just talk.

You know, it's some of her words.

It's some of my words.

We put them together, and somehow it all makes sense.

We cuddle.

We fuck, yeah.

[laughs] It's crazy.

She's just, like, a real person.

♪ ♪

MARCELLO: America will lose the war, my friend.

And Italy will win it.

America is the strongest

and most prosperous nation on Earth,

and the American fighting man is second to none.

Why do you think we are here and the Germans are on the run?

And Italy, on the other hand, is one of the least prosperous

nations on Earth.

And the Italian fighting man is probably second to all.

And that's exactly why my country is doing so well

in this war while your country is doing so poorly.

The Germans have been driven out now,

as you so correctly observe.

In a few months, you will be gone too.

And we will still be here.

Oh, amen to that.

You see, Italy is really a very poor and weak country.

And that's what makes us so strong.

Italian soldiers are not dying anymore,

but American and German soldiers are, no?

I call that doing extremely well.

[laughs]

Italy will survive this war and still be in existence

long after your own country has been destroyed.

America is not going to be destroyed.

I wish for your sake it were true.

For your beliefs.

Because America is a very great and noble idea.

You're too right. It is.

Yeah, it's a wonderful idea.

But Rome was destroyed. Greece was destroyed.

Persia was destroyed. Spain was destroyed.

All great empires are destroyed.

Why not yours?

We are gonna survive and triumph

for a long, long time.

[chuckles]

You put so much stock in winning.

But listen, the real trick is losing wars.

Uh, in knowing which wars can be lost.

[laughs] You talk like a madman.

But I live like a sane one.

I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top,

and I am an anti-fascist now he has been deposed.

I was fanatically pro-German when the Germans were here

to protect us against the Americans.

And now the Americans are here to protect us

against the Germans, I'm fanatically pro-American.

I assure you that you and your country

will have no more loyal partisan in Italy than me.

But only for as long as you remain.

Don't you have any principles?

Of course not.

CLEVINGER: No morality?

Oh-ho, no. I'm a very, very moral man.

And you have good taste in brandy.

One does one's best.

CLARA: Marcello.

Yo-Yo, you gotta convince her to stay with me.

Just tell him to tell her that I'm good for it.

Or--or--or lend me some money. How you doing for cash?

I spent $640 on 32 hours straight.

How did I do that?

Well, love did. That's what love does.

NATELY: What am I gonna do?

YOSSARIAN: Didn't your dad give you money?

I love him. Can you--can you--

He did. He gave me money.

But that's already gone. I mean, what have I done?

Oh, 32 hours, who knows?

[laughter]

Clarina. Mm?

MARCELLO: Oh. What's your name?

I'm Nately, sir.

Nately... because it's Sunday,

because you-- you are a nice boy,

I give you two hours because you make happy

my little Clarina.

Two hours? W-we have--

we have two hours?

[laughs] MARCELLO: Yeah.

It's a gift from the people of Italy.

Go.

Thank you. Thank you, sir.

Eh, si. Bye, bye, bye, bye.

[laughs] Come on.

MARCELLO: Bye.

[both laugh]

He won't need two hours.

[both laugh]

What have you got there?

I, uh-- I don't speak Italian, honey.

What's, uh-- what's your name?

Smoke. Smoke.

Yeah, I'm-- I'm good for cigarettes.

Thanks.

I don't-- [chuckles]

I don't--I don't speak-- what's--

what's your--what's your name? You?

Your name.

Ines.

Ines. Well, that's a beautiful name.

You? Me, I'm Yo-Yo.

Yo-Yo.

Yo-Yo. Yo-Yo.

Yo-Yo. [chuckles] Yeah.

Hey, Ines, where's, uh-- where's your mom and dad?

Your, uh--your parents?

Uh, okay.

Well, how much for this?

[speaking Italian]

Lira?

Good God, Ines.

You're a tough operator.

Uh, all right.

Find a use for this, I guess, somehow.

[laughs]

All right, kid. Thank you.

Hey, uh, go home to your, uh, parents or...

yeah.

All right, good, good.

All right, fellas! I hope you like dried herring.

Hey, you going back to Pianosa?

Can we hitch a ride? Where's yours?

I dunno.

That's what we're waiting to find out.

Well, mine's already full.

You hear Cathcart's raised the missions again?

Huh?

You mean last month, to 35.

No, I mean yesterday to 40.

Are you serious?

MILO: Oh, shit, guys.

I thought you would have already have heard.

How would we have heard?

[plane engines chopping]

[bell dings]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

NATELY: Hey, she's not a whore. MAN: She's not a whore.

NATELY: I told you not to call her that.

MAN: No, she's a librarian.

MAN: She takes money for sex.

Nately, she's a whore.

♪ ♪

[tires squealing]

♪ ♪

YOSSARIAN: Am I supposed to get my ass shot off

because Cathcart wants to become a general?

What about the men on the mainland?

Our boys on the ground, are they supposed to get

their asses shot off just because you don't want to fly?

Those boys are entitled to air support.

Our boys on the ground. Would you listen to yourself?

Now you're even talking like Cathcart.

Yes, they're entitled to our support.

But not necessarily by me. Not me specifically.

The only reason we're still flying is not for some--

for some noble purpose.

It's because that bastard keeps raising our missions.

Listen, you know very well that I don't approve

of Colonel Cathcart any more than you do.

But it is not for us to determine what targets

must be destroyed or who's to destroy them or what's--

Or who gets killed doing them and why?

Yes, even that. We have no right to question--

Oh, you're insane. No right to question the--

Do you really mean that it's none of my business

how or why I get killed and that it is Cathcart's?

Do you really mean that? Yes, I do.

There are men entrusted with winning the war

who are in a much better position than we are

to decide what targets have to be bombed

and who has to do it.

Okay, we're talking about two different things.

You're talking about the relationship

of the Air Corps to the Infantry.

Yeah.

And I'm talking about the relationship

of me to Cathcart.

You're talking about winning the war.

And I'm talking about winning the war and keeping me alive.

Exactly.

And which do you think is more important?

What? Open your eyes!

Clevinger, it doesn't make a damn bit of difference

who wins the war to someone who's dead.

Congratulations.

I can't think of another attitude that could be

depended upon to give greater comfort to the enemy.

The enemy is anybody who's gonna get you killed

no matter which side he's on, and that includes Cathcart.

And don't you forget that, 'cause the longer

you remember it, the longer you might live.

I want to live. Don't get me wrong.

Then listen to me! Listen to Yo-Yo!

I continually give you sound, lifesaving advice.

I am helping you live.

And you continue to recklessly operate on fucking principle.

To my dying day.

[plane engines roaring]

[car engine revving]

♪ [Rosemary Clooney's "No Love, No Nothin'"]

CLOONEY: ♪ No love, no nothing ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Until my baby comes home ♪

♪ No, sir, no nothing ♪

♪ ♪

♪ As long as baby must roam ♪

♪ I promised him I'd wait for him ♪

♪ Till even Hades froze ♪

♪ I'm lonesome, heaven knows ♪

♪ But what I said still goes ♪

♪ No love, no nothing ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And that's a promise I'll keep ♪

♪ No fun with no one ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I'm getting plenty of sleep ♪

♪ My heart's on strike and though it's like ♪

♪ An empty honeycomb ♪

♪ ♪

♪ No love, no, sir, no nothing ♪

♪ Till my baby comes home ♪

♪ ♪

[water splashes]

♪ ♪

[plane engines roaring]

And we buy from this syndicate?

Yes, the fundamental principle is,

everybody has a share.

And it's that mass purchasing power that makes

the big difference. For example, lamb chops.

I heard about those lamb chops.

Oh, then you'll have heard they're the best

the black market has to offer.

They're going for a song in Scotland.

I can't send a plane to Scotland.

I don't have the authority for that.

I can if you lend me a plane.

And then, colonel, there's Polish sausage

that goes for peanuts in Cracow.

Cracow's hundreds of miles behind enemy lines.

How would you get to the sausage?

There's an international Polish sausage exchange

in Geneva.

I'll just fly the peanuts into Switzerland

and exchange them for Polish sausage

at the open market rate.

They'll fly the peanuts back to Cracow.

I'll fly the Polish sausage back to you.

You buy only as much Polish sausage as you want

from the syndicate.

There will be the tangerines too.

And eggs from Malta and scotch from Sicily.

You'll be paying the money to yourself

from the syndicate since you'll own a share.

So really you'll be getting everything you buy for nothing.

Doesn't that make sense?

[plane engines rumbling]

So you're helping the boys on the ground after all.

Helping the boys on the ground.

CLEVINGER: Good for you, Yo-Yo. Good for you.

♪ Yankee Doodle went to town ♪

♪ Riding on a pony ♪

♪ Stuck a feather in his cap ♪

♪ And called it macaroni ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle ♪

♪ Keep it up ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle dandy ♪

♪ Mind the music and the step ♪

YOSSARIAN: And...

CLEVINGER: ♪ And with the girls ♪

Bombs away. CLEVINGER: ♪ Be handy ♪

♪ Yankee Doodle is a tune ♪

♪ That comes in mighty handy ♪

♪ The enemy all runs away at ♪

♪ Ya-- ♪

[booming]

MCWATT: That's it for another day, gentlemen.

We are heading home.

We are out of here, "Laden Maiden."

[plane engine rumbling]

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Did you hear something, McWatt?

MCWATT: Did I hear what?

Are you getting "Laden Maiden"?

[static hissing]

MCWATT: Clevinger?

Hey, Clevinger? You there, buddy?

♪ ♪

I think it's just the radio.

♪ ♪

Hey, has "Laden Maiden" landed? What?

Has "Laden Maiden" come back? I don't know, sir.

♪ ♪

YOSSARIAN: Did "Laden Maiden" land?

This is tower to Army, 7499.

Are you receiving? Over.

♪ ♪

This is tower to Army, 7499.

Are you receiving? Over.

♪ ♪

This is tower to Army, 7499.

Are you receiving? Over.

♪ ♪

This is tower to Army, 7499.

Are you receiving? Over.

♪ ♪

CHAPLAIN: Still no news on Clevinger?

Nothing.

It's 36 hours now.

He's on the Missing in Action list.

It's official.

That's no good.

You were with him in Santa Ana?

Yeah, we went through the whole thing.

Clevinger was...

He was just good.

Basically.

CATHCART: Bologna, gentlemen.

This is where the rubber hits the road.

Enemy artillery are here, here, and here.

But our raiders are not getting to them

because they're being torn to shreds both here, here,

and here.

Our guess is, there are Howitzers

based in those cave systems.

Here, here, and, uh, eh, somewhere around there.

Very difficult to pinpoint a target.

It's basically a hole in the ground,

as you men well know.

Now...some of you will not be coming back.

There's no other way of telling you that.

Just basic statistics tell us that.

So if any of you should find yourself on the wrong side

of the statistics--and at the risk of stating the obvious--

I would like to point out that your sacrifice will not

have been in vain.

And if, in your final moments, you see death

coming for you, think not of death.

Think of the living. And know this.

God damn it, the 27th Air Corps Division

thanks you for your sacrifice, gentlemen.

[breathing heavily]

♪ [The Mound City Blue Blowers' "I've Got My Fingers Crossed"]

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ I've got my fingers crossed ♪

♪ Not that I'm superstitious ♪

♪ I'm afraid it's too good to be true ♪

[whistling]

♪ I've got my fingers crossed ♪

♪ No wonder I'm suspicious ♪

♪ I'm so gay and skies are much too blue ♪

♪ Don't want no trouble with Old Man Trouble ♪

♪ And that goes double ♪

♪ On account of because I'm in love ♪

♪ Why certainly I've got my fingers crossed ♪

MAN: ♪ Oh, yeah ♪ MAN: ♪ The thrill is so delicious ♪

♪ I'm afraid it's too good to be true ♪

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ Oh, sure ♪

♪ ♪

Subtitles by explosiveskull