Original subtitles

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪

♪ you're a pal and a confidante ♪

♪ and if you threw a party ♪

♪ invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ the biggest gift would be from me ♪

♪ and the card attached would say ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪♪

Captioning made possible by witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network,

And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

It's gone. I can't believe it.

30 years, and now it's gone.

Let me guess-- your short-term memory?

My short-term memory?

Please. My short-term memory.

Who's the mexican?

Sophia, what's gone?

My purse is gone. Stolen by some thug.

O.K., tell us what happened.

I'll tell you what happened.

The economy gets bad.

People resort to car-jacking.

Car-jacking?

Oh, yeah. I borrowed your car.

So they stole my car?

With my purse in it.

They could be anyplace. The tank was full.

You filled the tank?

Oh, yeah. I borrowed your credit card.

I can't believe this.

I better call the insurance company.

We should do something about this.

Maybe I should teach a self-defense seminar.

I'm a blue belt in tae kwon do.

A blue belt?

I could teach some maneuvers.

You could invite some friends over.

A guy's coming at me with a gun,

And I can moon him.

How do I look?

Mmm. Fine.

I spent three hours getting ready.

You can do better than that.

I was thinking the same thing about you.

Roland, how do I look?

You look nice.

Nice? Rose, tell them how I look.

Like a glimmering jewel,

A perfect diamond in a field of darkness,

Flawless, spectacular, and stunning.

Thank you, dear.

You're new to our little game.

I'd better look my best.

I have a big date with bobby lee.

I don't know if I mentioned it. Bobby lee's a...

Cattle baron from austin. Cattle baron from austin.

Well, he is,

And I think he's going to ask me a special question tonight.

I assumed you were going out 'cause tomorrow's your birthday.

So that's why rebecca's coming in.

Daughters love to watch their mothers get older.

Oh, honey. I'm sure she's coming

To watch you get fatter, too.

Uh, no, thank you.

Well, I had a great time as usual.

B-blanche, there's something I've been meaning to ask you.

I'm 42 years old.

Yeah, you mentioned that.

So you were born in...

Atlanta.

Right.

Yeah. Sit down for a minute, would you, darling?

No, what I wanted to ask is--look, blanche,

I've been a bachelor too long.

We laugh at all the same things,

And we understand each other.

I don't know. Maybe it's time to settle down.

Maybe it is.

So...I don't know how else to ask this.

Blanche...

I want you to be my wife.

Oh, bobby lee.

And bear my babies.

I just don't know what to say--what?

I want you to have my kids.

Oh, my god.

I'm not a young man.

I know your biological clock's ticking.

Tick-tock.

So this is something I want to do right away.

Uh-huh.

Well, bobby lee, there's something

I haven't been totally honest with you about.

Well, it seems that--

I know you're not 42 years old, blanche.

I'm 46 years old?

Blanche.

All right, I'm even older than 46.

I don't care if you're 56.

I'm not. I swear I'm not.

I'm not looking for a 30-year-old wife.

I want to be with you.

What I'm talking about's not impossible.

I've been a cattle rancher all my life.

If there's something I know, it's breeding.

So let's let those doctors do all the worrying.

Just tell me you want to have my children.

Oh, I do, bobby lee taggert. I do!

Good morning, everybody.

I have an announcement to make.

Come on.

Listen.

Bobby lee has asked for my hand in marriage,

And I accepted.

You did? - I did.

I don't know what to say.

I do. Congratulations.

Thank you.

Yeah, congratulations. That's great, blanche.

Wait a minute. Wait. There's more.

He also asked me to have his baby.

And I said yes to that, too.

You did? - I did.

I don't know what to say.

I do. You're old.

Hey, sophia.

What? She's a fossil.

I am not.

Oh, please.

Come on, blanche.

Sophia exaggerates,

But she does make a point.

It may be too late for you to have a baby.

Don't you think that ship has sailed?

That ship has sunk.

This is because you lied about your age, isn't it?

No.

Bobby lee told me about this grandmother in california

Who gave birth to twins.

Her husband fertilized the egg of another woman.

Then they implanted it in her uterus.

Men!

Blanche, why are you doing this?

This is all because of her birthday.

Every year you try harder to stay younger.

That's exactly why you're getting pregnant.

This isn't about my birthday.

I've met a man I really care about.

I owe it to him to try this.

At least try to talk to him about adoption.

All right. I suppose that's something we could consider.

Besides, where are you going to find an egg?

It has to be a human one, right?

No, rose.

I'm going to give birth to an 8-pound hamster.

Oh, good luck trying to get that into a decent college.

We're going to learn some basic protective techniques.

Did you know that anything in your purse can be a weapon?

It sounds impossible, but even--

O.K., who threw the estrogen?

Come on. We're not moving on until somebody tells me.

Did you see who threw this, sir?

I am not a sir.

Do yourself a favor.

O.K., before we get started, let's get to know everybody.

Ma'am, could you come up here?

What's your name, ma'am?

Sylvia.

Sylvia, and why did you take the class?

My husband worries about me.

I go on the bus,

And he says it's too dangerous.

My husband says that I'm frail and old

And just asking for trouble.

Fe - what's your goal with this course?

I'd like to put the bastard through a window.

Yeah! - Yeah! - Yeah!

Way to go!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I guess you're ready for the combat part of the seminar.

Our attacker today's mr. Chuy castillos.

Yaah!

I'll get you! I'll get you all!

Aah!

Chuy exaggerates a little bit

Because a real attacker usually approaches more cautiously.

They might ask you for the time

Or ask for directions.

Oh, dear.

Two rules to remember--

Number one is volume.

Don't be afraid to make lots of noise.

Number two is never stop walking. Otherwise, you'll be a victim.

O.K., let's get started.

We're going to learn some basic techniques.

Are your pads in place?

Hey, relax. I'm the michelin man.

I got everything covered but my shins.

Ow!

Get him!

Get him!

Get him!

Get him! Go! Get him!

It wasorrible--

All these old hands trying to rip off a piece of me.

Hi.

Well, how did it go?

Bobby lee has no interest in adoption.

He wants his own children.

Well, you're just going to have to tell him no.

I mean, where are you going to find an egg?

It has to be someone you're close to,

Someone whose medical history you know,

And it has to be somebody

Who'll let you raise the baby.

Mama!

Oh, look, it's rebecca.

Rebecca!

Oh!

Oh!

I've looked and looked,

And I can't find a birthday present for you.

Don't make me guess.

Tell me what you want.

Name anything, and it's yours.

Oh, honey.

Material things don't matter.

It's what's inside you that counts.

Oh, good. I'm so glad you girls are still up.

I need some advice.

Don't wear puff sleeves--

Makes you look like babe ruth in drag.

Get this.

I asked rebecca to help me have this baby.

She says she needs to think about it.

Can you believe her?

You can't get upset at rebecca.

This is a big thing.

Maybe she doesn't have an egg to spare.

Oh, please.

The woman's an easter bunny.

She'll turn me down

'cause she thinks I ought to act my age.

I'm not old, and I don't feel old.

You ought to feel under your neck.

Mama, there you are.

Listen, I've been giving this a lot of thought.

I really don't think this is a good idea.

Pregnancies can be very complicated, and at your age--

Don't you lecture me.

I'm not here to lecture you.

Have you thought how you'll raise this by?

The same way I raised you.

I' get good people in.

Mama, you're not helping your argument here.

Anyhow, you know I don't think this is a good idea,

But if you're really so sold on it,

I'll try to give you what you need.

Rebecca, that's wonderful.

But no matter what you say, you're not a young woman.

Are you sure you can deal with a little person

Yelling and screaming at 3 a.M.

'cause she needs to be burped?

I only do that on sausage night.

[moaning]

Good, you're up. I can't sleep.

Excited about the big birthday?

I said not to talk about my birthday.

I'm talking about junior's birthday.

I'm pregnant?

I don't remember getting pregnant.

How can you not remember?

I went to the clinic with you.

They gave us the early bird special--

Ffee, danish, and two eggs.

You got pregnant, too?

Well, it was your idea.

You said anybody could do it.

I guess I forgot about all the other stuff--

The morning sickness, the varicose veins, the craving.

You know what I crave most?

What? - Revenge!

How could you do this to me?

It isn't my fault.

How could you do this to my back?

You'd think by now they'd have something

To take the strain off our backs.

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Oh...

Sophia, how did you get pregnant?

I shook hands with warren beatty.

You took me to have an egg implanted.

I did?

It must be nice having wheels.

You know what would be nicer? Brakes! Brakes!

Somebody stop me! Somebody stop me!

Here, here, here. Just sit down.

Have a seat.

You got her?

Wait a minute, I got her.

I got her. I got her.

O.K., whoa.

Whoa... - Whoa...

Here we go.

Whoa... - Whoa...

So, have you had the results of the ultra-sound, sophia?

Yup, and there's good news. It's a boy.

Oh. - Oh.

And he's 35.

Oh! - Oh!

And he's a dentist.

Great.

Congratulations.

Here, have a toothbrush.

Thank you.

Boy, this baby has me a little queasy.

Me, too.

Whoop. Want to feel a kick?

Sure. - How could you this to me?

Ow!

Hey!

All I said was anyone can get pregnant.

I didn't mean everyone.

Now she tells us.

What do you mean?

Oh...

I am so ugly.

No, you're not, roland.

I'm fat. I'm ugly.

I hate myself. I hate my face.

I hate my body,

But what I hate most are these damn mood swings.

Oh!

Blanche also didn't tell you

You're going to have to give up sleeping on your stomach.

I'd give anything to sleep on my stomach.

It's not like there's anywhere else you can carry a baby,

Is there?

Oh...

Oh...

I...I'd give a million dollars to sit in a chair.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, this just isn't right.

Ow!

I'm so sorry, everybody.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Wake up.

Wake up, sweetie. It's a dream.

Oh, it is?

Uh-huh.

Oh, thank god.

I think I forgot what it's like to be pregnant.

I can't do this.

What if I never get my body back?

Oh, you'll get your body back.

It'll just be all stretched out of shape.

I'm looking for a sophia petrillo.

Does she live here?

That's her purse. Where did you find that?

I'm the parking valet at the hotel next door.

She left her car with us yesterday.

She valet-parked the car.

That's my purse. That's the guy.

Get him!

Get him!

Ladies!

Ladies, come on, please, control yourself!

Ooh, good knee, sophia.

She just hit him like--

Hey, stop that, ladies!

Bad ladies! Bad ladies!

Oh...

Have you had a chance to talk to bobby lee?

Not yet.

Here he is now.

I don't think I can do this.

You have to, and I'll be here for you.

I'll be sticking by you.

I'm glue, baby. I ain't going anywhere.

Hey, a dime!

Oh!

Hi, bobby lee.

Hey, blanche.

There's something I want to talk to you about.

Yeah.

It's about us having a baby, bobby lee.

See, I--I--I just don't think that--

Blanche, I know what you're worrying about,

We've got to take the ll by the horns,

And face it--it's true.

It's true?

Then you mean y-you think that I'm--

I'm sterile.

I--I can't get you pregnant.

Aw, bobby lee.

I got tested today and got a really low sperm count,

It's not because I'm old.

I'm not old either.

I guess you never want to see me again.

Of course I do!

But we don't have to rush into marriage either.

Maybe we just ought to face the fact that we're...

That you're... Approaching middle age,

But, hey, we can still have fun together.

That would be wonderful.

Oh...Oh...

Boy...And to think

That I got a whole freezer full of bull sperm at home.

Well, water, water everywhere, huh, blanche?

I'll call you later, darling.

O.K.

Bye.

Well, where is he?

I want to meet the man

That's going to marry my mama...

And father my baby.

Well, it turned out that he was too old.

He was too old?

O.K., I'm too old.

Is that what you want to hear--

That I'm nothing but a vain foolish woman

Who refuses to act her age?

You're a beautiful, elegant, intelligent woman

Who doesn't need to act like a teenager.

Don't you see?

I want you to be proud of who you are,

'cause, mama, I sure am.

Oh, baby. I am so stupid.

I've been working so hard trying to have another child,

And I've got one right here

I'll just never learn enough about.

Rebecca jean, how'd you ever get so smart?

We're only as smart as our parents.

Oh.

Maybe you're not my real mother.

Hey, come here, you.

Happy birthday, mama.

Come on, come on, come on.

Oh, hold that elevator.

Hold it.

Come on.

Oh, been jogging?

Yeah.

[lady] there he is!

Get him!

Get him!

Oh! - Oh!

Oh, shoot! - Oh!

I forgot my hot milk.

Aah! - Aah! - Aah!

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

Captions copyright 1993 touchstone pictures and television

Public performance of captions prohibited without permission of national captioning institute