Original subtitles

♪ ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ travel down the road and back again ♪

♪ your heart is true ♪

♪ you're a pal and a confidante ♪

♪ and if you threw a party ♪

♪ invited everyone you knew ♪

♪ you would see ♪

♪ the biggest gift would be from me ♪

♪ and the card attached would say ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪

♪ thank you for bein' a friend ♪♪

Captioning made possible by witt/thomas/harris productions, cbs television network,

And 1992 nci caption club/ grantsmanship

Man, this is my least favorite time of year--

Spring break. It's the worst.

People drunk everywhere. Orgies in the streets.

Kids running around in togas.

It's not even like miami. It's like ancient rome.

Ancient rome was never like that.

Now and then we'd get a bad emperor, but...

I'm showing my age, aren't I?

This year I'm ready for these college kids.

If they try sneaking beer in, they'll have to go by me.

Try sneaking a friend in, they'll have to go by me.

Or try skinny-dipping in the pool, they'll--

Have to go by me.

Boys, I'll show you up to your rooms.

Hey, hey, hey! No more than five guys at a time.

Don't overload the elevator either.

Sophia, these are children.

I have made it abundantly clear to these gentlemen

That I'm a trained working professional of this hotel,

And I'm only here to provide professional services.

In spite of your insinuations,

I'm neither a tart nor a floozy.

I'm a massage technician.

You know, when kids look at people my age,

They have certain expectations.

You feel an obligation to be mature and wise.

No, mean. Mean as sin.

Old people scare the hell out of 'em.

Hey, you. No running indoors.

What a rush.

Can I help you?

Hi, my name's benson. I'm checking in.

O.K. Benson. You're in room 201.

What do you got in the trunk... Benson?

Clothes.

Let me tell you who you're dealing with.

I'm roland wilson. I know every trick in the book.

You've got a friend here you're sneaking in.

No, I don't. Honest.

Let's have a look-see inside.

There's no need--

Open it, benson.

Look. I just want to check in to...Room 201!

All right. You're clean...

But I'm going to be watching you.

College kids, huh?

Yeah, but I'm up to them.

I had my party days with my frat.

Me, the stooge, creeper, snake--

Man, we had some great times.

Stooge, creeper, and the snake?

Yeah. Guys in a frat together give each other these great nicknames.

It's kind of a tradition.

Oh, yeah, what was yours?

Roland.

Hey, where'd you go to college?

Me? I didn't, man.

In the sixties, the government had this alternative program

For minorities who couldn't afford college.

What was it? Oh, yeah. Vietnam.

Before shipping out, me and my buddies

Had our own spring break.

We partied all night, met a girl,

Built a 43-foot burrito.

It was almost a world record,

Except we ate it before getting the guinness people there.

Man, I wish I had another shot at that.

Why would you build a 43-foot burrito?

Same reason picasso painted noses on the sides of faces.

Because he was a great artist?

Is that why he did that?

Wow! I did that burrito because I was wasted.

Hello, grandma.

Charlene, oh, honey.

Am I glad to see you.

I brought you a copy of the st. Olaf news.

Oh, thank you, sweetheart.

It's so nice to see comics

On the front page where they belong.

Oh, we'll have such good times.

We'll have tea parties

And braid each other's hair.

Actually, grandma, I'd like you to meet my boyfriend, rick.

He'll be staying here this weekend.

Oh, silly me. You brought a boy with you.

Well, you know what?

I think his hair will braid up just fine.

Actually, grandma, we thought we'd go jet-skiing this afternoon.

That sounds exciting.

And tonight maybe check out some clubs.

Sounds fun.

We could share a room.

Sounds like a cold day in hell.

Ld it.

Ld it. - Come here.

Come, come, come here.

Open the coat.

What? I don't have no beer in this.

Just open the coat.

Aha.

Ha ha. Just as I thought.

Well, mr. Sneaky...

Guess you're not as sneaky as you thought you were.

Are you, mr. Sneaky?

I'm sorry. I just wanted a sip.

You know, get that crazy feeling.

Pretty irresponsible, aren't I?

No. I just don't want that kind of thing happening in this hotel.

I was stupid to even try.

You bet you were.

Hey, sorry about that mr. Sneaky crack.

Forgotten.

All right.

Blanche, I'd like you to reconsider this giant burrito.

The answer is no.

Doesn't the idea of a 43-foot burrito excite you?

I must be getting jaded. No.

Grandma, can I talk to you for a second?

Sure you can, honey.

It's funny, but of all the people I know,

You're the only one I can really open up to.

I feel I can tell you anything and not be judged.

I'm always here for you. What's on your mind?

Rick and I have been dating for a year now,

And, oh, I really like him.

And, well, I'm not sure,

But I'm thinking about having sex with him.

I see, um...Charlene,

Remember that little song I used to sing to you

Whenever you had trouble deciding the right thing to do?

♪ he knows when you are sleeping ♪

♪ he knows when you're awake ♪

Grandma.

♪ he knows when you've been bad or good ♪

♪ so be good for goodness' sake ♪

Everybody, sing.

♪ you better not cry ♪

♪ you better watch-- ♪

Grandma!

♪ you better-- ♪♪

Grandma, this is serious.

I really, really need some advice.

Well, back in st. Olaf,

When girls get thoughts like ones you're having now,

The clergy would have us pave the little dirt road outside the church

Until the thoughts just went away.

I don't remember any dirt road.

You know it as the minneapolis turnpike.

What's up?

Hey, man, can you believe this place?

They got no security at all.

Man, when I leave, I'm taking the ashtrays,

The towels, maybe even my dresser.

What are you going to take?

I wouldn't put this ugly stuff in my house.

Hey, man, they got some nice stuff.

Well, be careful.

There's always some undercover cop passing as a guest.

It's usually the lope who's trying real hard

To look young and hip but can't quite cut it.

Thanks for the tip, officer.

Officer?

Man, I ain't no cop.

Oh, what's the use?

Roland, what's the matter?

These kids are wrecking the hotel,

But I can't catch them.

I can't wait till they leave.

We can't afford losing them.

We can't afford having them.

You haven't see the damage.

[thunder]

Weather report says it'll storm all weekend.

Maybe we should hit key west where it's sunny.

Let's go! - Yeah!

Roland, we need their business.

We're going to lose a fortune.

There must be something fun they can do indoors.

We could still go for that world's record.

Chuy, for the last time,

I will have nothing to do with a 43-foot burrito.

[thunder]

All right! Let's get that giant burrito moving!

Slowly I'll cook, bean by bean,

Tortilla by tortilla...

And soon I shall stand in front of my greatest creation--

The 43-foot burrito!

Bet you can't eat just one.

Blanche, have you seen charlene?

Oh, yes. We had a nice little chat.

Really, about what?

This and that. That and this.

Sex.

You didn't.

Charlene needed guidance

And you wouldn't give it,

So I gave her a little advice.

I told her to approach her budding sexuality the same way I did.

Blanche, you're crazy if you think I'm going to let charlene

Paint a bull's-eye on any part of her body.

Charlene, open up.

Tell me you didn't listen to blanche.

Oh, no. I'm too late.

You are in big trouble.

No, no, grandma. You got it all wrong.

We have a snorkeling lesson.

Look at his equipment.

I will not.

I'll be downstairs.

How could you embarrass me like that?

This is all blanche's fault.

This was going to be a wonderful week till she ruined it.

I just wanted to spend some time with you.

No, grandma. You want to spend some time

With a little girl who's not here anymore.

And if you can't see me for who I am,

Then I can't stay here.

Oh, charlene, no.

C-char, come back.

I--

I'm just trying to protect your reputation.

[knock on door]

Charlene ready?

, no. Word's gotten out already.

All right, boil that rice.

Come on, grate that cheese.

Hey, stir those beans.

Hitler, stalin, and now you.

Are you saying that I've turned into a dictator?

No. I was thinking how much younger

The three of you would look without the mustache.

This burrito thing's a kick.

This isn't just a burrito, sophia.

This record is my shot at immortality.

By the time I'm done with this burrito,

It'll be limber, yet firm...

Taut, yet soft and supple to the touch.

All the curves in all the right places.

Man, I need a woman.

All right, everybody. Take a break.

Any word from charlene?

No.

Oh, I'm so furious.

This is all blanche's fault

That she's out there somewhere in the rain, with no place to stay.

Rose nylund, open this door and let me in.

God only knows where charlene is.

I was only doing what I thought best.

I don't want to talk about it.

Rose, surely this must've come up with your daughters.

Things were different back then.

Nobody would consider having sex

In the same building with a parent.

People were more discreet back then.

No. We all drove really big cars.

You know, it's not easy for fathers

Once their daughters start dating.

Oh, tell me about it.

There was always one kid

Who scared the hell out of all the daddies,

Who wouldn't think twice

About climbing in the bedroom window late at night,

Pretending to run out of gas on a lonely road,

Or getting somebody drunk in order to have their way.

I had quite a bag of tricks.

Hey, guys, listen to this.

There's this kid in the lobby

Being really loud and obnoxious.

Just as I'm about to tell him to knock it off,

This strange voice came out of me.

We have a ventriloquist here at the hotel?

No, rose. It occurred to me that I sound just like my dad.

I was going to yell at this kid like my dad used to yell at me.

Weird, man. I'm getting old.

Roland, aren't you being silly?

No. Something is making me old before my time.

Wish I knew what it was.

I don't know.

It's anybody's guess.

Beats me.

Tums?

What you're feeling isn't all that unusual.

Even I on occasion worry about growing older.

Get out of here.

Yes. Menopause was very difficult for me.

I don't want to hear this.

Tell him about your hot flashes.

They were faster than a strobe light at a gay disco.

I really don't want to hear this.

The change hit me overnight.

I went to bed one night, young and beautiful,

The next morning I looked like a barbie doll

Somebody left on the radiator.

But you don't want to hear this.

Oddly enough. That one I didn't mind too much.

Good thing you didn't mind it,

Because it happens to everybody.

People grow.

They change.

I mean, nobody can be expected to stay

At the same stage throughout their life.

Really.

Isn't that what you're asking charlene to do?

I guess I am.

Give me a second?

Yeah.

Hi, grandma.

Charlene, honey, are you o.K.?

Yeah. I'm fine.

I'm sorry I didn't call last night.

Rick and I stayed at another hotel.

No...Before you tell me about last night,

I want to apologize.

You came to me with a problem,

And I wasn't there for you.

But I want you to know

That whatever decision you've reached, I'll accept.

Rick and I didn't sleep together last night.

Oh, you're a good girl.

You're a good, clean girl!

Ohh...Ho ho.

Last night I was too upset about what happened

That I didn't get to decide.

But I don't know what I'm going to do about tonight.

So, do you think now we can talk?

Well, honey, the uth is

I can't make that decision for you.

Only you can.

But I can tell you what I did.

I waited until after I was married.

That doesn't make me better or somebody else worse.

Anyway, when the time is right, you'll know.

I can tell you this.

You're going to enjoy it a lot more if you're in love.

That's funny. That's exactly what blanche said.

Blanche told you to wait?

Uh-huh.

Our blanche, blanche devereaux...

Told you to wait?

Yeah. She said I would know when the time was right.

That doesn't sound like blanche.

Actually she said I would know when the many, many times were right.

The many, many, many times...

Oh, yeah. That sounds like blanche.

Honey, I'm sorry I was so hard to talk to.

I think I just miss the little girl

I used to color with and play dolls with.

Actually, grandma, we never played together.

I just sort of watched you.

Well, I miss the company.

Have you plans for the rest of the day?

I thought we'd do some sightseeing, catch a movie.

Rick will enjoy that.

No, grandma. I thought I'd do that with you.

Oh, honey.

Let's go get you a snack.

Hey, what gives?

Who put the padlock on my door?

Party's over, sneaky.

What are you talking about?

Face it, sneaky. You've been outsnucked.

You've been hiding extra kids in your room.

They're locked in till you cough up the extra dough.

I don't--

Save it, sneaky man.

You may have fooled me once.

You may have fooled me twice.

But this time I'm way ahead of you.

So look...

We're going to go to your room,

And every extra kid I find you'll pay for, right?

Fair enough.

All right, sneaklings, you're busted.

Sophia!

What?

Ohhh!

And now... We measure it.

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

43 feet, 2 inches. Did you hear that?

43 feet, 2 inches!

A new world's record!

Whoo! Yay! - Yeah!

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

Chuy! Chuy! - Chuy! Chuy!

Oh, chuy, what a cute little burrito.

Blanche, we just set a new world's record.

Oh, that's nice.

Nice? Have you any idea how big it is?

Um...43 feet, 2 inches?

Blanche! Blanche! Blanche! Blanche!

Blanche! Blanche! Blanche! Blanche!

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can I say something?

Chuy, after seeing how hard you've worked,

How important this burrito is to you,

I feel compelled to tell you.

What is it, sophia?

I can't find my watch and I'm going in.

Whoa, whoa, stop! Wait, sophia.

In an hour, the guys from the record book get here.

I've waited 24 years. Nothing can stop me now.

Listen, everybody,

They've just issued a flash flood warning.

They want all businesses to use whatever necessary

To keep water damage at a minimum.

We'll get sandbags from the fire department.

We haven't time for that.

We have to use everything around here

That could soak up lots and lots of water.

Oh, no! No, no, no, no! No, no, no!

Chuy, it's our only chance.

Forget it.

We have to make some kind of sacrice.

We'll throw the old lady into the volcano.

How can that help?

How can it hurt?

Ohh, o.K.

But can I save 3 feet of it?

Why?

To break the record.

The old record is 2 feet, 11 inches.

Kill chuy! - Kill chuy!

Kill chuy! - Kill chuy!

Kill chuy! - Kill chuy!

Kill chuy! - Kill chuy!

Captioning performed by the national captioning institute, inc.

They got past t me last yea.

They got past me this year.

But from now on, no other kid leaves this hotel

Without paying their bill.

Good evening.

Have a nice evening, sir.

We will.

You see, I've got like this radar.

Which allows me to hone in on, um...

Captions copyright 1993 touchstone pictures and television