Original subtitles

-(Announcer reading)

-(upbeat music playing)

-Great job, Desiree.

-Thanks, Hall-of-Famer Brian Urlacher,

but I'm very tired.

Do you have any water?

-No, plain water is lame,

and I should know.

I played pro football for 13 years.

-Man: Brian!

-Wow. So what do you suggest?

-Well...

I say we fire up Brian Urlacher's ice-chipping,

syrup-slurping snow cone machine.

-Is it true it comes with eight sweet organic syrups,

handcrafted by some of the world's most pretentious chefs?

-That is true, Desiree.

Try one.

-Mmm. Charred kale.

-Snow cones, where water goes to party.

Go deep!

-(clattering) -(glass breaking)

-Now in new beet salad flavor.

-Man: Beet salad!

-(slams) -(groans)

You got to be kidding me!

Urlacher is making a killing with his snow cone machines

while I eke out a living

starring in Hollywood blockbusters

and charming indies.

That's it.

I got to get my own thing.

-Oh, I don't know if you want to do that, Rob.

You don't want to rush into a licensed product like that.

It takes a lot of R&D.

From what I hear, Urlacher had a ton of offers

before he settled in on snow cones.

-Yeah? What stuff? What kind of stuff, like what?

-Uh, he had flavor knives,

where you could just stab the meat,

and it flavors the meat,

uh, skirts made out of pants,

linguine hair that you can wear and eat,

uh, ice-cream machines.

-Rob: No, thank you!

Yes!

You're looking at a guy who just got

an ice-cream machine licensing deal.

-(indistinct murmuring)

-Hmm!

-What does an ice cream machine have to do

with an academy of missing cadets?

-That's why we're here! -What?!

-I totally forgot!

Thank you. Thanks so much.

Yeah, the cadets?

-♪ Now, now is the time ♪

♪ The lake is the place ♪

♪ To make some stuff explode ♪

♪ And throw it all in their face ♪

♪ So don't be a tool ♪

♪ It's the ski master rule ♪

♪ It's really great to be at ♪

♪ Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

-(screaming)

-♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-Whoo!

-Dirk: All right, a little bit more to the left.

To my left.

My left.

Good. No, now that's past good.

Go back again.

Great. Right there.

Now remember, one inch off,

and Condor de Bogota goes up in flames

Is that what you want, Chauncey?

-No, I don't want that.

-Hope you don't want me to go up in flames, either.

Although that would be a pretty sick way to go,

rocking a pimped-out personal watercraft

on fire in the big showcase.

-Just for the record, I don't want anybody to go up in flames.

-Pussy.

-Actually, uh, you're not gonna do the showcase.

-Whoa, what?

-You're escorting, uh, Condor De Bogota,

the Ski Prince, Aqua Zorro! (chuckles)

-Are you saying I'm still not getting out on the water?

Dad, I've been really cool

about staying off the skis all summer,

but classes are over.

I deserve to be in this showcase.

-Brit, please.

Uh, the showcase is dangerous.

And unlike the instructors or the cadets

or even Rob Riggle himself,

I care whether you live or die.

-This is so unfair.

-(sighs) What's unfair is, if you go out there and get hurt.

I've been out there. I've been hurt.

I don't want that for you.

I don't want the stuntman's life for you.

You deserve more than a half a lake in the middle of nowhere.

(sighs)

You deserve to know who your mother is.

-(music stops)

-Another time.

-Dirk (on PA): Welcome, parents and guests,

to Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy.

The graduation showcase will begin in a few hours.

Be advised, all toilets are broken.

-Hey, how's it going, fellas?

Believe me, I know you're excited

for the big graduation showcase

featuring the one and only Condor de...

something Spanish.

(chuckles) But listen,

I want to show you something even cooler,

literally cooler.

Why don't you join me and some of the other guests

for a one-of-a-kind cream dream?

Huh?

Eh, don't worry.

It's nothing sexual. It's ice cream!

Come on!

-(Latin music plays)

-Welcome to Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy, Condor.

It is such a pleasure to meet you.

-The pleasure is all mine.

(coughing)

-Are you okay?

-It's just a... a little consumption.

-(laughs) Okay, good.

Right this way.

-Okay, thank you. (coughing)

-(Rob grunts)

You're gonna love this, parents.

You, too, townies without jobs.

All right. Okay.

We are definitely close to this batch being done.

Huh? I'd say another three, three and a half hours.

-Well, this sucks.

-Hey, can I just buy that ice cream?

-No, you got to buy the whole Cream Dream Machine now. (laughs)

-Yeah, but that ice cream's already made.

-It took me all morning to make that test batch.

Fine.

Twenty dollars for a small.

-Oh, shit. It's small-batch gourmet?

-Yes.

Yes, it is. -Hey, man.

Shouldn't your hair be covered?

-Huh? Oh, uh, yeah.

Got you covered there, Pops.

(chuckles) Hey, oh!

(laughs) Ah-la-la-la-la!

-So, this is all free?

-Oh, yeah, of course.

-Wow.

Yeah.

Oh...

-Why, thank you.

It is such an honor to break bread with you, Condor.

-Hmm. -You and Rob and my dad

are the whole reason that I wanted to become

a world-class Jet Ski,

WaveRunner, and/or Sea-Doo stuntwoman.

-Eh, listen, kid.

professional stunt skiing is not all it's cracked up to be.

Um, working in the Universal Studios Waterworld show,

day in, day out for 22 years,

works on the body and the mind

and the body...

and the mind.

-Yeah, but the Waterworld stunt show was

the greatest achievement in our industry.

You get to do the stunts

and say the lines.

-But it's not worth it.

I mean, both my ankles and my wrists are shattered.

My son won't even talk to me,

and Kevin Costner calls me

a Sammy Hagar-ass bitch in the press.

-What a dick. -Yeah.

-Then why do you still do it?

I named myself after the condor,

who has the fiercest survival instincts

in the whole animal kingdom.

He will chew off his leg in order to save himself.

He never gives up, so I never give up.

Also, I have no other employable skills.

So, um,

how many doggy bags you think I can take

before the staff gets all judgy?

-(noisy chattering) -(music blaring)

-Oh, God, I'm hot!

Oh! Oh-ho-ho!

(grunting)

(sighs)

Oh, that's better!

Shit! I'm out!

-What? Come on. -(crowd grumbling)

-Ho-ho. Hang on, now.

Hold on. I can make more.

Making more is a breeze

with Rob Riggle's Cream Dream Machine.

Give me a minute.

Hmm, pig meat for sweet treats.

Whoo! -(thuds)

-Tell your friends.

Hog Queen ice cream,

AKA Hog-en-Dazs.

-(laughter)

-You can taste the vengeance.

-Is it vegan? -Sure!

-Riggle!

-Crowd (chanting): Riggle! Riggle! Riggle! Riggle!

-(rock music playing)

-♪ This moment's happening ♪

♪ But you're not around ♪

♪ You've got me searching ♪

♪ But you can't be found ♪

♪ She looked like candy ♪

♪ But she dynamite ♪

♪ She got me running ♪

♪ But she can't be beat ♪

♪ She shakes her ice cream ♪

♪ I-I-I-Ice cream ♪

-What's this line for?

-Whatever it is, it's up there.

-Right.

-Man: Hey, no cutting!

-When will the next batch be ready?

-I don't know.

Fucking hipsters.

-Gil: Riggs?

Why do you look like you don't own a television?

-I'm just trying to get through this next batch, all right?

You know it takes four hours to make ice cream?

-Yeah, man.

That's why I always go with snow cones.

-You can smoke a turd in Hell for that!

-Do you need some help?

-Yeah. I could use a break.

I suddenly wish I had time to go down to the lake,

you know, and just stare out into the distance.

Think of different flavor combinations...

maybe vape a little.

-Then do it.

-No, I can't.

I got a huge line. They'd mob me.

-Then use my spare beard.

I doubt I'll be using it again.

The cartels have probably forgotten me.

And if they haven't...

I'm dead already.

-Hey.

Thanks, man.

Hey, man.

You want to go to a Band of Horses show next week?

-No. -All right.

-Let's get cranking.

Bet this will do wonders for my guns.

-(up-tempo music playing)

-Wait. Did-- Did you see that?

That's the maker.

-Damn it.

I guess there's just no hiding these chiseled features.

-Could I get a pic of you? -You bet.

-(camera shutter clicks)

-Do you think you'll make more Ski Master films?

-I'm not sure.

They're pretty violent,

and in this political climate,

am I really contributing to the dialog?

(chuckles) I don't think so.

I may just focus on the ice cream.

-(mutters): Dialog?

Just ice cream?

What is your end game, Rob Riggle?

-Lick it!

-Brit: The first time I saw you

was on my dad's old VHSs

at the Bi-ski-tennial in D.C.

-Oh. -Oh ho!

You did some sick moves on the Reflecting Pool.

What would you say your secret is?

-Well, hard work and practice. -Mm.

Plus, uh, high blood pressure medicine,

twice-daily subdermal injections,

uh, blood doping,

the right attitude,

and, uh, stem cells.

-Hmm. -I think that's everything.

-Now, I have to ask.

On the tapes,

when you went upside down on the Double Diablo,

you weren't using your footholds,

so isn't that more of a Kryptonian Pickleback?

-(chuckling)

Very good, young lady.

You really know your ski stunts.

(laughs) I'm impressed.

-♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It takes me out of my mind ♪

♪ Drops me straight in the bottom ♪

♪ Every time we ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ It takes me out of my mind ♪

♪ Drops me straight in the bottom ♪

-Hey, Rob, are you feeling okay?

-Real talk?

Preggers, what if we just put this whole academy thing

on a shelf for a minute, all right,

and just focused on the ice cream, huh?

-What in the shit, Rob?

-Yeah, we expand out the building,

vibe on some Father John Misty,

and just sell ice cream to some really chill people?

-Okay, you know what?

This ar-tease-anal crap,

it's poisoning your brain.

You're coming with me. Let's go. Come on.

-(Rob groans)

-Preggers: Hey, guys,

so, I'm supes not stoked to tell you this,

but we're all out of Dream Cream, unforch.

-(crowd groaning)

-But I am gonna keep the line open,

so if you want to stand in it, huh?

-But, guys, you know what?

Super exclusive launch party down at Boner Lake.

-(cheers and applause)

-You want to try this vape? It's lavender.

(exhales) It's for real.

(chuckling)

-God damn it, Rob.

No, you are not going to ruin both ice cream

and smoking for me on the same day!

How did you become a hipster so fast?

-Rob: It happened organically.

-So you're saying disregard the Z-axis entirely?

-Yeah. -Are you serious?

-(scoffs) As serious as my son when he told me

if I ever try to see my granddaughter again,

he'd have me killed.

Man, it is so nice talking with someone

who understands my dreams.

I want my future to be like yours.

-You think the mess hall is still open?

I have a hankering for those little packets of jam.

-(metallic snap) -(screams)

-(screaming continues) -Oh!

-Oh, my leg!

-Shoot! One of Gil's hog traps!

-A hog trap?!

-Okay, okay, just stay calm.

Stay calm. Let me think.

-(screaming continues)

-Don't go anywhere!

-Oh, God!

-Brit, uh, fly in the Condor.

I repeat, fly in the Condor.

-(Brit grunts) -(screaming)

-I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

-It's not working! (screams)

-Dirk (on radio): I repeat, ready for Condor.

-I don't know what to do.

-Yes, you do.

You've always known.

-But I-- -Listen, young lady.

I'm not here to substitute for your father,

and say all the things you've ever wanted him to say.

(panting) So I'm just gonna tell you,

you can ski like a pro.

Better than me, better than anybody.

You're a wonderful daughter.

-Oh.

That is eerily similar to everything

I've ever wanted to hear from my father.

-Aah! That's purely coincidence.

But the show must go on.

-(gasps)

This is crazy.

I don't even know your set.

-180 flat,

500, 360 flat flip,

one-handed barrel roll,

one-handed barrel to wake flap,

a scarecrow,

uh, flaming hoop, uh...

Make the rest of the shit up!

(crying) I don't care!

-Dirk (on radio): Where the hell is the Condor?

-(sniffles)

Condor flying in.

-(sobs)

-Oh, sorry, I just--

-I need your whole costume, actually. -Yeah, um, okay.

-Dirk (on PA): The faculty apologizes again about the broken toilets,

but we ask that you please stop defecating

in the common areas.

It is attracting unsavory bears.

Now, all parents, please report to the lake

for Rob Riggle's end-of-the-semester ski master showcase.

-Oh, God, Preggers, this sounds so dumb and loud.

Let's go back to the shop.

We'll fire up the hookah,

and we can have a debate about beer,

and whether or not it's sour enough.

-You shut your mouth.

I am gonna remind you what being awesome in America is like

before it's too late.

-What on God's green Earth?

Rob Riggle is a hipster?

What the hell is going on?

-The ushe. (chuckles)

Whatevs.

-I can't, I can't.

-(Dirk clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy's

pre-graduation demonstration and showcase.

-Yeah! -(applause)

-Sponsored by Rob Riggle's Cream Dream Machine.

-(cheers and applause)

-Oh, okay.

-And now, ladies and gentlemen,

turn your eyes to the lake

and enjoy Condor de Bogota,

the Masked Rider!

-(cheers and applause)

-(rock music playing)

-Yeah!

-(cheering)

-This seems... so familiar.

(rock song playing)

-(engine revving)

-(cheering)

-(music stops)

-(loud cheers and applause) -(music resumes)

-Did you see that shit?

He's on the thing,

and he's going around the lake,

and ha!

This shit rules!

Yeah!

-(cheering)

-He's back, haters! He is back!

-Crowd: Whoo!

-Hey, that was pretty crazy, huh?!

(laughter) -(applause)

-But now for the real reason you're here.

To see the end-of-summer graduation demonstration,

where all our cadets will be out on that lake,

showing you what they're made of.

-It's been a long road to get here, everybody.

I'm not sure we're properly prepared.

-(chuckles) We are absolutely not.

-But I wouldn't want to do this

personal watercraft demo with anyone else...

except Todd.

-Three cheers for friendship.

-All: Hip, hip, hooray!

Hip, hip, hooray! Hip, hip, hooray!

-Hip, hip, hooray!

-Hip, hip, hooray! Are you guys getting kidnapped?

-(drumroll)

-Rob: Uh, they should be out there any minute.

-Rob, the cadets.

I can't find them anywhere.

But on the plus side,

check out these guns (grunts)

from ice-cream churning.

-(clapping) -(bird cawing)

-Brit: Dad!

-Oh, thank God. At least my kid's safe.

-Wait! Hey, hey! Dirk, Dirk! (awkward chuckle)

-Brit: Dad!

Did you enjoy the stunts?

-(guitar plays) -(whip cracks)

-Brit-Brit?

-Yes. It was me the whole time, father.

I crushed it out there,

and I don't need your approval.

-You were...

absolutely amazing.

-(Brit gasping) -(Dirk laughing)

-I was lying when I said I didn't need your approval.

I totally did.

I'm going to remember this moment forever.

(laughs)

-Wait. Where's Condor?

-Ah, holy crap.

-Ugh.

-(bird screeches)

-Brit: A condor.

-Dirk: You don't think?

-It couldn't be.

-No, it isn't.

He bled out over there.

-Well, maybe his spirit is still in the condor.

-Grow up. Help me with the body.

-(shouting indistinctly)

-Hey, man! Where the hell are our kids?

-(crowd shouting indistinctly)

-Oh, okay. Hey, hey, everybody relax.

Please, please, everybody. All right.

The cadets are definitely not missing.

-Well, no one said they were missing.

Are they missing?

-(shouting indistinctly)

-Okay, maybe you should just hold a press conference.

-That's a stupid idea.

Which brings us to now!

-(dramatic musical sting plays)

-♪ Now is the time ♪

♪ The lake is the place ♪

-Yeah? What stuff? What kind of stuff? Like what?

-A butter gun,

uh, curry Popsicles,

uh, powder that's not powder.

It's made out of liquid.

Potato chip bicycles,

pasta pants,

iguana tattoos,

uh, paisley lightning,

uh, canoe cologne for your canoe,

cologne canoe for yourself.

-♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-(roaring)

-Right on time.