Original subtitles

♪ ♪

-Rob: All right, hey!

Listen up, everybody. Listen up.

As you know, today is the most important day

of the semester for our academy.

-That's right, gang.

-We're finally gonna have the cadets on the watercraft. -(phone chiming)

-(phone clicks)

-What? The cadets haven't been on the water? Why?

-Fishing shows, mermaids, hog uprising,

cyber deities, safety training.

-Yeah. I took that one girl cadet,

I took her shopping, so...

-All right. Well, just forget all that crap, okay?

Today is special because...

it's my birthday!

-Oh! -(Brit laughs)

-What the shit? Happy birthday. How old are you, Rob?

-Thirty. -(spitting)

-(spitting continues)

-(sighs) It's hard to believe, huh?

-Yes. It's very hard.

Very hard to believe.

-Eh. -Rob: Well, listen, folks.

I've started planning a primo party

with top-notch entertainment.

We're talking Counting Crows,

Bow Wow Wow,

Lil' Bow Wow,

a mime,

Tiny Tim,

Big Daddy Kane,

FDR's ashes, don't ask,

and, uh,

Mr. Criss Angel.

-Shit yeah! -All the greats!

And before you even ask,

yes, you're all invited...

-(Dirk chuckles)

-to help me set up.

Not to attend. Please.

Preggers? -Yeah?

-You're my number-one ass kicker,

so I need you on the security detail, all right?

No riffraff. Invitees only.

-On it.

-Rob: Folks, all I ask is that you make Riggle Day

the most special day possible.

-(spitting)

-(spitting continuing)

-Oh!

Rob, you cannot call your birthday that.

-Why not?

-Brit: Because Riggle Day means something terrible now.

Have you not seen the video?

-(phone chiming) -Hold on, hold on, hold on.

My phone is just going nuts.

Is anybody else's Twitter acting weird? -(phone chiming)

-Oh, oh.

-(shouting) Motherf--

-♪ Now, now is the time ♪

♪ The lake is the place ♪

♪ To make some stuff explode ♪

♪ And throw it all in their face ♪

♪ So don't be a tool ♪

♪ It's the ski master rule ♪

♪ It's really great to be at ♪

♪ Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

-(screaming)

-♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-Whoo-hoo-hoo!

-Here's what happened.

I made a tweet that said,

"Riggle Day rules #RiggleDay."

Well, it turns out Riggle Day refers

to something on the dark web.

Have you ever heard of this guy

Gaston LeBone?

Well, they call him

the evil Eric Ripert.

-I thought he was the evil Guy Fieri.

-No, he's the good Guy Fieri.

-Common mistake.

-Rob: Anyway, to this joker,

R-I-G-G-L-E stands for...

-Rare Ingredient Gourmets' Glorious Lunch Event.

It's Riggle Day, everyone.

The day when we fearless foodies

taste all that is taboo.

In previous luncheons, we've served

baby seal,

panda,

orca whale.

But this year, we are serving up a protein so forbidden,

so beloved,

that to devour it is to know what it means to be a god.

I'm talking, of course, about rescue dog.

-(dog whimpering)

-Happy Riggle Day, everyone.

-(rock music playing)

-Yummy.

-(groaning, retching)

-Jesus Christ. That's the worst thing I've ever heard.

-I know, right?

They used Rob Riggle's name without paying a royalty.

Who does that?!

-And this whole illicit Riggle Day,

turns out, it's a huge event for terrible people now.

I don't know the specifics,

but Brian Urlacher is behind this,

and you can put that on the record.

-Rob, as we've discussed several times,

the definition of a press conference is,

it's all on record!

-Wait, what? -Yeah.

-You guys got to tell us that before you start recording.

Like cops. -That's it. That's kinda true.

-Marcy Mallin, News 12.

-So, the first thing I do is call my bald manager, Gary,

to clear up any confusion.

-Let's do it. -No, no, I, uh...

Past, like, I did it in the past, past tense, like, I already did it.

-Gary: Oh, how did I do?

Did I kill it? -No. Are you kidding me?

-Okay. -Anyway, despite my troubles,

things weren't all bad at the academy.

I mean, the cadets did have a big surprise coming their way.

-Chandler: Guys, guys!

The new fleet's here!

We'll finally be able to ride!

Oh, now this summer won't be a complete waste after all.

-Todd: I'm gonna take this one.

It looks like the kind Bret Michaels would have sex on.

-No! I want this one.

-I kind of like it, too. -(Chauncey growls)

-Me, too!

-Hold on, now, cadets.

You can't just pick any sweet ride you want.

-Todd: Why the shit not?

-You don't choose your watercraft, Todd.

Your watercraft chooses you,

just like in Harry Potter.

-I know nothing of this Harry Potter.

I'm sorry, but books, films, wizards,

the British in general,

are forbidden to my people.

-Oh, Harry Potter is wonderful.

The first book begins on Privet Drive,

a street like any other.

(as Hogwarts student) Harry speaks Parseltongue.

Maybe he opened the Chamber of Secrets.

(normal voice) But it wasn't Mad-Eye Moody.

It was Barty Crouch Jr.

There were seven Horcruxes in total.

Riddle's ring, the Hufflepuff cup,

the diadem of Ravenclaw.

And then the train carrying his son,

Albus Severus, pulled away...

(voice breaking) and Harry could not have been prouder.

-So, um, yeah.

You can't just ride any one you want.

You got to make sure it's the right one for you.

-So, let's get them in the water and feel 'em up.

-Oh, I wish we could, Todd.

Unfortunately, these don't have any gas in them.

-God damn it! I want to get into the water!

-Yeah, well, Gil was supposed to unload these and gas 'em up,

but we haven't seen him all morning.

-Yeah, I heard Gil got a new girlfriend,

so that's probably why you haven't seen him.

-What? -Been doing it. You know what I mean?

-Wow. -Preggers: Mm-hmm.

-Good for him. -Preggers: Yeah.

-Not great for her. -Yeah.

Anyway, why don't you go see if you can corral him up?

And, uh, I'll take care of these nerds.

-Brit: All right.

Do not give her your Social Security number.

-(chuckles)

Okay, cadets!

New lesson today!

Personalized wet suits.

We're gonna be sewing that shit together, all right?

A proper wet suit is gonna tighten you.

Little tuck here, little squeeze here.

Next thing you know, you're all Michelle Obama.

-Even me? -Shit, yeah, even you!

Look at these biceps be poppin',

and my ass,

it's bringin' lower ass to upper ass.

See? Look at that.

High and tight.

(shouts) Look at it!

Get a good look,

'cause I know all you millennials,

you're all about the asses, right?

Well, this shit? Scrumptious, okay?

You're gonna wanna eat this for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

I don't even care what time of day it is,

you're gonna wanna take a fork, wanna take a knife,

and you're gonna cut that shit,

you'll wanna put it in your mouth.

I don't even care what you wash it down with, but you're gonna want to,

'cause it's gonna be hard, and it's gonna be thick, okay?

So today...

you're gonna sew up

your own wet suit, form-fittin'.

-(phone chiming)

-Oh, I'm getting killed on social media!

-I told you, if you're gonna Skype on the toilet,

you gotta cover that camera.

-No, not that. Look.

-Whoa, five million new followers. Not bad.

Gary, all these people either eat rescue dogs

or think that I eat rescue dogs!

Or... people from my improv class

who need help finding an agent.

-Rob, it doesn't matter how people know your name.

It's the fact they know your name.

Like Omarosa.

What's more important for me?

Being popular or--

-Buh-buh. Being popular.

-I was gonna say being respected.

-Mm, popular. It's better. It's cooler.

Now, check this out.

Leaked nudes of the mother from Dinosaurs.

-She's a puppet, Gary.

-I know.

♪ ♪

-(clattering) -Gil: Oh, shit, baby.

Somebody's at the door.

Uh, yeah, don't worry about it.

I-I'll get rid of 'em.

Uh, you just stay there.

Oh, hey, Brit Brit! What is it?

Uh, I'm just in the middle of something.

Sex. What? Yeah.

-Well, we need you at work,

because it's a work day.

-Come on, Brit.

My special lady's over.

-Doesn't your girlfriend have a job?

-Not really.

And I don't want to send her back to the lake all hot and bothered.

-Oh, back to the lake?

Oh, is this another goddamn mermaid?

We barely got away with the last one.

-God, no, no. That'd be insane.

Mermaids have a totally dysfunctional

fear of commitment.

They are terrible in a relationship, okay?

She is an amphibious sea monster.

I met her the last time I almost drowned.

-And you're having sex with her?

-Oh, yeah. She has a cloaca.

It's kind of like doing it regular

and in the caboose at the same time.

-I want to meet her.

-Oh, well, she's not dressed, so...

-Later, then.

-Sure. Uh, whatever.

Now, if you'll excuse me, sex.

What? Yeah.

Sorry, baby. Where were we?

Oh, yeah. Don't tease me, now.

-Preggers, I'm having trouble nailing my cross-stitch.

Could I see how you did yours?

-Yeah. You know what? It's on the inside.

So, let me just get this wet suit off,

and I'll show you just how it is.

-Hey, Preggers, you need a hand with that?

-Yeah, I do. I think the zipper's stuck just a little bit.

It doesn't seem...

-(grunts) Uh, Jeb?

-I haven't removed a woman's clothes

since Grandmother had me change her out of her incontinence breeches.

-Jeb.

All right, maybe we just...

-What happened to you?

-Well, Chandler, winter's coming, okay,

and I might have put on a few pounds.

-(scoffs) When's the last time you got out of this wet suit?

-Uh, that'd be Thursday.

Last Thursday. Yeah, last Thursday.

-Oh, it's no use!

You might be stuck in that thing...

forever.

-(grunting)

(panting)

-Maybe if you stop eating for a while,

your skin will shrink,

and then you can slip out of it,

like in Silence of the Lambs.

-Chandler, I don't have time for that!

I don't have time for that!

Rob's Riggle Day party is tomorrow.

If I am gonna be the enforcer,

I need full range of motion, okay?

I need to be able to do cross kick.

I need to be able to do a high kick.

I can't reach down to put someone's mouth on a curb

and then stomp that right in.

I can't do that!

I can't do a big knee up!

I can't do a knee down!

Well, that was kind of okay.

But not great.

-(phone chimes) -Rob: Oh, great!

We just lost Blessed Union of Souls.

-(phone chimes) -Oh! (chuckles)

And, uh, Deep Blue Something just dropped out.

Now we've got no bands, Gary.

Everybody's dropping out of this thing,

'cause they think we're serving rescue dog,

because we didn't get out ahead of it!

-Well, who knew that people love rescue dog, all right?

We should've done purebreds.

-What?! No! It doesn't matter.

We're not serving dog, Gary!

-It's not my fault that you're not a foodie.

-Gary!

I am turning into a pariah here, all right?

If I don't have somebody to rock my face off on my birthday,

I'm gonna be pissed! -(computer chimes)

-Oh, oh. Hold up, hold up.

We just got an e-mail.

Ooh, from Iron Jaden,

a heavy-metal band that covers Jaden Smith songs,

and they are... out. -(computer chimes)

-Yeah, they're out.

-God. -They thought this was a dog-eating thing.

-Just find me a band, Gary. It's my birthday.

-Oh! How about Tony! Toni! Toné!?

-Okay. Yeah, yeah. You know somebody in the band?

-Yeah. Tony...

a little bit.

He may not be taking my calls.

-Dirk: Hey, Brit.

Well, Gil has yet to get that coyote out of the bathroom.

It's already bitten Jeb twice.

-You know, Gil's girlfriend is becoming a real problem.

We should just kill her.

-What?

-She's distracting Gil from his job.

And you know what?

I'm sick of just letting crazy shit

happen around here, Dad.

There is no way Gil raw-dogging a lake monster

ends well for any of us.

Let's just lure it to Riggle's party...

and kill it.

-Darn it.

I hate how much sense that makes.

-Preggers: Put your back into it!

(grunts) Put an elbow into it!

Come on! Okay!

(grunting)

-Next!

-How did you get all these men to volunteer?

-Craigslist, bro.

-Come-- Come on! Weak Hands, you're outta here!

Get outta here!

Come on, Flannel. You're up.

-I'm down to zero RSVPs.

Gary, make it better.

-I am. Check this out.

Sending out a brand-new e-vite

from a different e-mail address

to avoid any confusion. -(sighs)

-You know, Rob, I think we learned a very important lesson here today.

That anything you say on social media

can and will be taken out of context.

-I hear you and respect you.

-Ooh! Check it out!

We got one RSVP already.

-Hey! -Yeah! (laughing)

It's from Brian Urlacher.

-Oh, God, not Urlacher! You know what?

I'm gonna tweet that piece of shit good right now.

-Light him up, Rigs!

-"Brian Urlacher was the first

"to respond to my birthday invite.

What an eager dweeb."

-Yeah, hit send. Boom! -Send! (laughs)

-Hit him again! All caps!

-Okay, yeah.

"First responders are the biggest dorks in the world."

-(laughs) Bam!

You know what's funny about that?

Is first responders are traditionally, like,

firemen, paramedics, lifesaving heroes,

and you just totally put them on blast, too.

You're on fire!

-(computer chiming repeatedly)

-(shouts) Motherfucker! -(birds cawing)

-Gil.

-I told you, Brit. I make my own hours.

If you have a problem with it, take it up with Riggle.

-Riggle is actually why I'm here.

Um, I was wondering if you were going to his party tonight.

-No. I heard Sum 41 dropped out.

Besides, me and my sea lady just want a quiet day alone...

for sex. What? Yeah.

-Well, Rob told me

he specifically wanted to meet your girlfriend.

-Big Rig said that? -Oh, yeah.

He said he wants to give his blessing to the union.

-Wow.

I won't let Rob down.

We'll both see you tomorrow.

But promise me one thing, Brit Brit.

Everyone will be nice to her, right?

-Oh, my gosh. Are you kidding?

Everyone's gonna be so nice.

They'll practically kill her with kindness.

-Great.

♪ ♪

-Rob Riggle, star of The Lorax

and Ski Master 6: Rise of the Haters,

is embroiled in yet another Twitter controversy.

Just hours after accidentally tweeting support

for a gourmet dog-eating event,

Riggle posted this...

"First responders are the biggest dorks in the world!"

Riggle's manager, Gary G, insists

that this is also being taken out of context.

But, really, how likely is that?

We ask our farcical scenarios expert,

Paula Espizito. Paula?

-(big band music playing)

-Dude, I thought your stupid tweet was gonna wreck this party,

but not bad.

-Are you kidding me?

I guess it's official.

No one likes me anymore.

-Somebody likes you, bro.

-Oh, God.

-Whoa! Brian Urlacher?

Hall of Famer Brain Urlacher?

Oh, my gosh!

You look even cooler in person.

-Thank you.

I wouldn't miss my good buddy's special day for anything.

Here, where should I put this?

-Oh, you can put it right over there on the gift table. -Brian: Thanks.

-What are you doing?

-That guy is cool. He exudes cool.

-Rob: All right.

-Great stage show, Rob.

-Hey, thanks, Bri!

(mutters) Son of a bitch.

Hey, I thought we were supposed to get the New York Dancettes.

-Yeah, the Dancettes refused to perform

except for this one.

She's desperate.

Her son needs a liver transplant.

I know a guy.

It's not a human liver.

-Jesus!

-(whispers) She'll never know.

-Preggers: Son of a dick.

Urlacher got in.

I was supposed to keep him out with extreme prejudice.

I let Rob down.

I guess that's my life now.

I'm just cursed to show off a sweet ass,

but never kick one again.

-How will you pee?

-Chauncey, it's a wet suit.

Okay, it's built for peeing in.

-You're peeing right now, aren't you? -Hundred percent.

Uh-oh. Regretting that one, though.

-Okay, honey, I, uh, finally found that cattle prod you needed.

-Ah! -What do you need it for?

-Gil's girlfriend, to kill her.

-With a cattle prod?

-Yeah, it might take some time,

but trust me, it'll get the job done.

-Thank you, everyone, and thank you, Janice.

-(applause)

-And now for our next act,

we have one quarter of the barbershop quartet,

Barry and the Tones.

-(applause)

-(pitch pipe hums)

♪ Good old... ♪

♪ Time ♪

♪ Good old... ♪

♪...mertime, stroll... ♪

♪ ...dy lane, with... ♪

♪ Baby mine, oh ♪

♪ Yours, that's... ♪

♪ Good sign, she's... ♪

♪ In the good old... ♪

-Happy Riggle Day, everybody.

-Oh, and you were afraid no one was gonna show up.

-Everyone, meet Tabitha.

She's my girlfriend.

-(quietly) It's a pile of seaweed.

-Oh, this is so sad.

-Well, say hello.

-Rob: Uh...

Hello, Tabitha.

-Well, what should we do? We can't kill it.

-(sighs) I know.

I'm as bummed as you are.

-Hey, Tabitha. I'm Brian.

-♪ In good old... mertime ♪

-This is a goddamn disaster.

-Or is it?

I saw a bunch of people outside who look ready to par-tay.

-Crowd (chanting): Riggle sucks! Riggle sucks!

Riggle sucks! Riggle sucks!

Riggle sucks! Riggle sucks!

Riggle sucks!

Riggle sucks! -Guys and gals,

thank you so much for coming to my party.

-We're here to protest Riggle Day.

-Oh, hold on. Hold on now.

Come on. That was a mix-up. All right?

I had no idea what that beautiful word meant on the Internet.

-What about your tweet about the first responders, you son of a bitch?

-Okay, well, I did not mean firefighters like you.

I meant uncool nerds who RSVP immediately to invitations, huh?

-Yeah, I do that, too, you jerk!

-I say kill him!

-Oh, hold on. Hey, take it easy, everybody. Just relax.

-(chanting continues) -Damn it! Rob's in real trouble.

-Preggers?! A little help?!

-Wet suit or not, I'm comin' for you, Rob!

-♪ Good times to... ♪

♪ In the good old... ♪

♪ ...mertime, ♪

♪ Good old... ♪

♪ Time, good old ♪

♪ ...mertime, stroll... ♪

♪ ...dy lane with ♪

-(Preggers grunts)

-You know what?

This party isn't so bad.

-Shit yeah, Rob.

-Shit, yeah!

-All in all, not my worst birthday ever.

That would probably be the day I was actually born.

I slipped out of the doctor's hands,

and went face-first into my mom's beav again.

-Cool. -Gary: Great story.

-At least no one died this time.

-Actually, that's not true.

Another funny story.

You guys remember Gaston LeBone?

Well, apparently, he was mauled to death

by a bichon uprising.

I'm told it's one of the more adorable bloodbaths on record.

-(dogs barking) -Ah! Stay back!

-(bones crunching) -(screams)

No! (screams)

-That guy was a character, wasn't here? -Oh God, yes.

-Anyway, we're all clear on that story, right?

-Yeah, I think we're clear.

Uh, an insane misunderstanding that could only happen to you,

you blame on Brian Urlacher,

a canoe-loving football player,

with absolutely no proof.

-Exactly, and you thought my birthday was fun.

Whoa-ho-ho.

Up next, was graduation,

and our big stunt showcase finale.

And let me tell you, nothing could go wrong.

-Spoiler alert. It did.

-♪ Now is the time ♪

♪ The lake is the place ♪

-Yeah, Rob.

-Rob: Shit, yeah, Preggers.

-What?

Looking at her? No! I--

I was not staring at her body.

Oh, honey!

Baby, come on!

Are we breaking up?

-♪ It's really great to be at ♪

♪ Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-(roars)

-Right on time.