Original subtitles

-(crunching)

-Way to die, you pussies.

-(dramatic music playing)

-(warbling)

-Just a... Just a little taste, yeah?

-(owl hooting)

-Oh, yeah.

-(creature roaring)

-(intense music playing)

-And that is when I fell in love.

-What? -Reporters: What?

-Woman: Oh! -God!

-♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

-(screaming)

-♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-Holy shit!

Yes, the first half of the semester

was full of trials and tribulations.

We lost most of our cadets

and almost went into bankruptcy.

-Shit happens.

-Rob: We mourned the death of celebrities,

mermaids, lake civil servants.

We went up against VR simulators,

transdimensional reeds,

linebacker douchebags,

and we survived.

-(explosion)

-Rob: But the greatest threats are yet to come.

-Who found the lake commissioner's body?

-I don't know, Tubbs. -Yeah.

-Probably one of his kids, all right?

-Oh! -Tragic.

-Look, I'm trying to set a scene here.

It's like... Is it me? (chuckles)

-Cadets,

I am very proud of you.

I've decided to give you all a little treat.

So it is my great honor and thrill

to allow you to finally ride

your sweet-ass personal watercraft.

-I'm so freaking jacked!

Finally! (laughs)

-Jamie-Lynn Sigler. (chuckles)

I gotta tell you, these last 12 hours

have been amazing.

I like you harder than I've liked anybody

in a long time.

-Aww. -So...

I made you this.

-(gasps) Oh, Rob! -Yeah?

-Where did you get this?

-Well, it's a funny story, actually.

-(horn blowing) -Oh, shit!

We're both dead!

-What?

-You two are both dead.

-What? -I just told you that.

Why won't you listen to me?

-Prepare to mount

in three, two--

-(horn blowing)

-Oh, God, the horn.

Everybody run. Go to the barn! Go to the barn! Go, go!

-But we were gonna ride.

-What is happening?

-Hogs.

-(gun cocks)

-Hogs! -(horn blowing)

-(hog growling)

-(hog snorting)

-(squealing)

-(grunting) -(squealing)

-Matty, get the cadets into the barn.

-(grunting)

-(hog snorting) -(grunts)

Tell the world my story!

-Hey, hey, hey. Hey!

They need me in here more than they need you.

-Unh! -(Brit gasps)

Oh, okay, okay.

Secure all the entrances, cadets.

-Brit, the door is jammed.

-Brit: Look, just, um,

seal it up with the stuff from last week's pep rally.

-(hog squealing)

-Brit: Yes, yes, yes! Excellent work, excellent work.

Um, just remember, everyone,

we cannot give the hogs an entry point.

-(screaming)

Yeah! (laughing)

-Goddamnit, Riggle. (sighs)

Todd, seal it up with the other banner.

-Whoa, Todd, hold on.

Let Gil come through my hole.

-That's what she said, brother.

-(laughing) -No, you didn't.

No, you didn't! -I just did.

-(laughing)

-Gil: Oh! Oh! -(laughter continues)

-Preggers: Gil?

Gil?

Yes! -Rob: And you said...

Gil said it, Gil said it.

-(Preggers laughing) -But you said...

-Oh, shit! -(gunshot)

-(laughing) -Preggers: You said it!

You said it! You said it!

-That's why you're the king, Gil.

-(clears throat) -Oh, hey, you made it.

-Gil: I lost track of you while we were hog killin'.

-Hey, the hogs are having sex with your Jet Skis and Sea-Doos.

-Hog orgies?

Mr. Riggle, this was not in the brochure.

-Yeah, well, that was just a matter of time.

This is just the beginning of phase two.

-Can you still ride a Jet Ski if it's had sex?

-Who cares?

What the "H" is going on here?

-It's the feral hogs that live in the forest.

They are an ancient race of swine

who rule the lands just beyond that bin

where we put the dirty towels.

There has long been peace

between the lake humans and lake hogs,

but the lake hogs are proud,

and if provoked, they become violent

and very, very horny,

which brings us to this day of judgment.

We've angered 'em somehow,

and they want a reckoning.

-Preggers: Hey, shit, shit.

You hog bit? -What?

(groans) Maybe. So what?

-So what?

If you're hog bit, you're gonna turn into one of them.

Duh. -Brit: What?

-Cadets, you steer clear of this one.

She's hog bit. Days numbered. You're done.

-(laughs)

-(gun cocks)

-Shit, yeah.

-(bird screeching)

-Female voice: Dirk?

Dirk Hamsteak?

-What?

Who-who is that?

-I am your friend, Dirk.

I'm here for you.

-How am I not hurt?

The hogs...

-I am their queen.

I've spared you so that you may save us all.

-Okay.

-Succumb to me, Dirk.

Do as I command, and along the path,

I will solve your many, many, many problems.

-That's cool.

-I sense great pain in you, Dirk Hamsteak.

-Uh-huh. You got me there.

-(hog squealings and grunting)

-Shh.

You hear that?

The hogs have stopped having sex.

Now comes the refractory period,

and then they'll charge us again.

We have one hour to end them

before they end us.

(clicks tongue, sighs)

Who wants to go hog huntin'?

-(gun cocks)

-I do. (screams) -I do.

-(sighs) -We owe it to the lake.

-What the shit?

I mean, can you believe this asshole?

This whole hog thing was Urlacher's fault.

-Uh, excuse me.

How is the hog thing Urlacher's fault?

-Because it's all Urlacher's fault!

Who wants to bring down American institutions

like Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy, huh?

Brian Urlacher, that's who!

And what better way to do it than through a hog attack?

-But you're the one that stole that jewel thing

that's clearly involved in all of this.

-And you think that was a coincidence?

-Ay, ay, ay. -Uh, no.

I don't think it's a coincidence.

That's what I'm saying.

-Right, then we agree, is what I'm hearing.

Brian Urlacher has a complicated master plan

to discredit me, my academy,

and, therefore, America.

And here's what cuts like a knife.

-A knife.

-I was always so nice to him.

Who let this shithead in here?

-Rob, we could use his skills.

-No, we can't. He sucks.

Besides, I have way more skills, and I'm more famous.

-It's very brave of you to volunteer, Brian.

-Uh, spoiler alert, I'm going hunting, too,

only better.

-Yes! I can't wait to fight beside you, Rob.

-Yes! Eat my dick.

-We need one more for the hunting party.

-How about hogspawn?

'Cause she's circlin' the drain anyway.

-No. No, Bric-Brac has to stay here

and run the academy

now that her dad's probably dead.

-What?

-Okay, but we still need one more.

-I've got an idea.

Jamie-Lynn Sigler will hunt with us.

-What? No. I...

I think I sprained my ankle back there.

-Uh... (chuckles nervously)

Baby, come on.

I don't wanna go out there and die

if you're not gonna be there to see it.

-Aww. (chuckles)

Okay. Okay. -Okay.

(screaming) Yee-haw!

Let's go shoot the dicks off those shit hogs!

Come on!

(screaming) Yee-haw!

-(gunshots)

-(Rob screaming)

-(gunshots)

-(snoring)

-(grunting)

-(whispers) Robbie, there's hundreds of hogs

sleeping off sex just below frame.

How are we gonna kill them all in 15 minutes, just us?

-We don't need to.

We just need to kill one, the queen.

Lake hogs have a hive mind.

-It's science, baby.

-But we gotta do it quick.

Before the queen establishes her ingress.

-Hog term,

it's where she melds her mind with yours.

-Shut up, Urlacher.

Everybody knows what the ingress is.

-(Dirk sighs) I don't know.

I try to do what's best for my daughter,

but, uh, she resents me.

-Hog Queen: Damn, baby. That can be tough.

-(sighs) I feel like she's so much like me

that I'm transferring my self-loathing onto her.

-So really, whose issues are they?

-Mine.

It's like I'm looking into a broken mirror

and I'm cutting myself with the shards.

-Get there, Dirk.

-I resent her because she resembles me.

So if I have a better relationship with myself,

then I can have a better relationship with her.

-Sounds like a breakthrough to me.

Dirk, you gonna wanna take a left up ahead.

-Oh.

-You ever been on a hog hunt, Urlacher?

-No. I've been playing football all the time, mostly.

-Yeah? Well, that grab-ass didn't prepare you for this,

did it, big boy?

People die on hog hunts all the time out here.

So I'd watch my step...

-(catapult cracks) ...because only the bravest survive.

-Hog darts! -(screaming)

-That was lucky.

Their hog venom could have killed you.

-Hog venom? Hog darts?

That doesn't make sense.

-That doesn't make sense?

-Hmm.

-Well, thank you for saving Rob's life, Brian.

-Oh, please. He didn't do anything.

Right place, right time.

I could have saved his life just as easily.

-Hey, guys, let's split up to cover more ground.

I know that's never really a good idea,

but there's a first time for everything.

-Rob: All right. Fine.

I gotta go with Urlacher because now I owe him.

Why don't you go with Gil?

But, hey...

don't fall in love with him.

-Okay.

-Come on, dummy.

-I hope everyone's okay back at the barn.

-I'm sure they're fine.

-Hey, America. -(air horn blowing)

This is Preggers here.

Now, if you love that video

where I punched that cop at his son's baptism

or I made that male stewardess cry,

you're gonna love this new one, okay?

'Cause right here, I got a lady who's been hog bit.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And I'm gonna show you an actual

hog-zombie transformation

on the camera here.

-(coughs)

-I'm at Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy.

My name is Brit Brit Hamsteak.

This woman is crazy.

Send help!

-(air horn blowing)

-Jamie-Lynn: Oh, God.

Are you doing some kind of trackery like stuff?

-No.

We have 30 minutes before the hogs take over the barn.

-(sighs) I'm so scared.

-You'd be a fool not to be.

(exhales sharply)

-(hog growls) -(gasps)

-Nice day for a hog hunt.

-David Arquette?

So this is where you've been.

-What took you so long, brother?

-I was finishing an interview

with Larry King when I heard the horn.

-Jamie-Lynn: Oh.

-When killing needs a-doin',

David Arquette comes a-runnin'.

-Oh.

-Hey, how's it going, gorgeous?

-Hey, keep it in your pants, Arquette.

She's sweet on me now, what?

-David: Doesn't matter.

The only hot-lady ass that matters around here

is the hog queen.

-(hog squeals) -(gasps)

-She knows we're near.

That is a raiding party.

-Sounds like my kind of party. -(blade scrapes)

-Hey, Bri Guy. -Yeah?

-How about a peanut butter sandwich, bud?

-Oh, I have a peanut allergy.

-Oh, really? -Yeah.

-Oh, well, then I'm not gonna let you have this.

Ha!

I just saved your life.

(laughs) Now we're even.

-It's a pretty mild allergy.

You know, I maybe get a slight rash,

but I am pretty hungry.

YOLO! Give me the sandwich.

-Oh, eat shit.

-(Jamie-Lynn gasps)

-(hogs squealing)

-(grunting)

-(hogs squealing) -(grunting)

-Yah!

-(hogs squealing) -(grunting)

-You're quite the warrior, Jamie-Lynn Sigler.

-Who, me?

-(screaming) -Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry, David.

Oh! (gasping) -It's okay.

If anyone understands bloodlust, it's me, David Arquette.

-Oh, God! -(grunting)

Oh, God. Jamie-Lynn!

-Yes, David?

You were always too good for Turtle.

-(gasping) -(groans)

-I know.

Shit.

-I'll never tell anyone, my love.

-(gasping)

-Hey, wait, whoa, what's this?

-What, this?

-(shudders)

The Hogstone.

-(Hogstone warbling) -What?

This was a gift.

-What maniac would give you that?

-(sniffs)

-(bird cawing)

-Have you ever read "Eat, Pray--"

-Brian, watch out! -(gunshots)

-Watch out! Move!

Booyah!

Whoo!

(laughs) I just saved your life.

-From what? -It's not important.

No! -(snorting)

-Urlacher, why did you make so much noise, you idiot?

-(hog squeals) -Oh!

Would you quit resetting the life debt?

Honestly, I'd rather be dead.

-(pants)

-Hog Queen: Welcome home, Dirk Hamsteak.

-I want to be here,

but I'm scared.

-You'd be a fool not to be.

(laughing menacingly)

-Oh, there she is,

the hog queen.

-How can you tell? -(snorting)

-(scoffs)

-Wait.

I have been chosen

to speak on my queen's behalf.

-Phew.

Wow, Dirk. -(explosion)

-Just... wow.

I mean... (chuckles)

This is some serious sellout shit, dude.

-Why you?

-Good question.

Why did she take over your mind and not mine?

It's my academy.

-Wait, do you want her to take over your mind?

-I want some goddamn respect.

-I am so sorry, y'all.

This one is taking her sweet-ass time

turnin' into a hog zombie.

-(snorts) -Oh, shit.

Oh, you heard that?

That was a snort.

Yeah! Transformation's begun, y'all.

-What? No, that is just how I scoff.

-Okay. (laughing)

-No, no, no!

-It's really quite simple, Rob.

Return the Hogstone and people quit dyin'.

-Hog Queen: Yeah, stupid.

-Rob: Sorry, man.

I already gave the Hogstone to a woman I kinda like,

and if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.

-She's not even a woman you love?

-We're not there yet, all right?

Don't pressure me.

And where's my cocaine?

-Uh, the hogs did all your cocaine.

-Oh, God!

That is typical bush-league hog shit, man.

-Hog Queen: Mm-hmm. Suck it.

-Where is it leading us?

-Home.

-(hogs squealing)

-The refractory period is ending.

-Oh, only two more minutes of peace

for the poor people in that barn.

-Okay, pregheads,

I got a quick update for you.

So, I got a little too close to this rascal,

and she done bit me, okay?

So now I'm cursed to be a hog zombie, as well!

Luckily,

I got this can of gasoline right here,

so I'm just gonna set myself on fire

before I change.

-You don't have to do that. -No, it's okay.

This is how my psychic said I was gonna go.

-The Hogstone approaches. -(Hogstone warbling)

-Rob, we have to give this back.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, hold on, Jamie-Lynn.

Wait. Just wait. Hear me out.

Listen,

I know that sometimes

I can be a jerk,

especially when you're acting like an asshole.

But we don't have to give in to these hogs.

The Hogstone is special,

and that's why I wanted you to have it,

because you're special.

And if every one of my cadets has to die

so that you feel...

I'm sorry. (chuckles)

Wait a minute. What is this shit?

Are you two-timing me?

-Well, what can you do? (chuckles)

-Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

Ha! I said one thing, Jamie-Lynn, one thing:

"Don't fall in love with Gil."

-Sorry. -Ahh!

Give me the stone. Give me... Just give it.

Here. Do what you want with it.

I can't... You know, it's, like...

unbelievable.

-(rumbling) -(Hogstone warbling)

-The balance is restored.

-Nice!

Nice! (laughs)

Riggle saved the day!

Riggle!

-Hog Queen: Who the fuck is Riggle?

-Oww! -(gun clicks)

-I'm out.

-(rumbling)

-(gasps)

It's over.

(chuckles) They're leaving.

(inhales and exhales sharply) -Preggers: Uh-huh.

So the queen is calling the hogs back to the hive, and...

(laughs) I wanna stay, which means...

I must not be turning into a hog zombie.

That's weird. It's all weird.

-That's because there's no such thing

as hog zombies, you nut bag!

-Or that's not a real hog bite, okay?

And hog zombies is real.

-That doesn't even make any sense.

-(eerie music playing) -(snorting)

-See? I told you.

-(squealing) -Shit!

(exhales sharply)

Hog zombie.

-Look, I get Gil's sex appeal, all right?

But I thought we had somethin'.

-Sorry, brogle.

What we have is special,

forged in blood.

-Oh? Whoa, whoa, whoa. It...

It's not that serious.

-Meadow killed Dewey from "Scream."

-Oh, you did?

-(chuckles) I did.

-(police siren chirps)

-(police radio chatter)

-(sighs) -(gentle piano music playing)

-Gil,

let's never let a woman come between us again.

-Brother, that's what she said.

-(both laughing)

-Rob: No, you didn't.

(laughing)

-I just... I said...

-(laughing)

-I'm beginning to suspect

Mr. Riggle is as feeble-minded as a donkey.

-(gun cocks) -Whoo!

-(gunshot)

-Okay, we almost died today,

but it's gonna be worth it.

-Because we finally get to ride those skis!

-Actually, uh, the hogs, uh, wrecked 'em all,

but, uh, don't worry.

We're gonna work on theory until a new fleet arrives.

-Son of a bitch!

-(laughing)

-You said...

-You said it. You said it, Gil!

I didn't say it! You said it!

(laughing)

-(gunshot) -Oh, shit! (laughing)

-Rob: Hey, Urlacher, wait up.

-(chainsaw whirring) -(screaming)

Yeah!

Yeah! Slice you up!

I'll slice you up!

(laughs)

-(whirring stops)

-And I just saved your life.

Now we're even.

-Man, that was close.

Thanks, Rob. -(grunting)

Get... Oh!

Why do I feel so safe?

No! Oh!

Look, I know you're up to somethin',

and I'm gonna figure it out.

-Whatever you say, bud.

-God!

I swear to God!

-(roaring)

-Right on time.