Original subtitles

-And thank you. -Thank you.

-Gary: That concludes our moment of silence for the great Jim Bassman,

and his tragic death, which, like so many others,

were not Rob Riggle's fault, okay?

-Rob Riggle: Thank you, Gary.

Now, we can get back to some real questions perhaps, huh?

-Yeah. Hi, Rob. Jeff Tubs, "Wave Attitude."

-Jeff.

-When you say your academy is under review, what does that mean?

What difference does accreditation make to an institution

that specializes in Jet Skis, Ski-Doos...

-Look, Jeff, there are zoning issues, okay?

There's job market benefits,

but above all, we get to jack up the tuition, all right?

When it's accredited, we get a bigger tuition,

and we get that up front.

-You get the money up front so you can murder them later?

-No.

-How did Gil survive that huge explosion?

-I don't know. All I know is that he did survive.

-Hey, hey, let's have a moment of silence for Gil.

-No, Gil is still alive.

-What you're saying is your business practice is

to take as much money from people as possible, which is basically corrupt?

-No. No. -(scoffing)

-Everything we do is legit.

-Six grand, cash.

-You give us a passing grade, we all go about our day.

-(briefcase unlocking)

-(flies buzzing)

-I'm sorry, Preggers.

But frankly, I think it's time that Rob inspected.

Over the years, his academy has brought a lot of embarrassment to Boner Lake.

-How dare you, Carl?

(grumbles) We are a victim of circumstance here, okay?

Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy is a tightly run ship

and ethical as hell.

-Really? Because you're in the process of bribing me right now.

-Slow down.

I'm just trying to show you my sweet, new briefcase, okay?

Sorry if I like sharing my life with people. (laughs)

On behalf of mildly-successful actor, Rob Riggle,

we's all look forward to your review, Carl, okay?

And remember,

nothing happened here.

-Okay, but something did happen here,

and I'm not gonna let it slide, okay?

That's what I'm trying to tell you.

-I got you.

-I hope you do sincerely. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-I really don't like you winking at me.

-I feel uncomfortable. -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-(theme song playing)

-♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

-(screaming)

-♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-Holy shit!

-(Riggle humming)

-Solved!

-(telephone ringing)

-(dance music playing through telephone) -Hello.

-Hey, Rob. How's your day?

-Urlacher, it's busy. Got a big review today.

Totally, and I don't wanna take up too much of your time.

It's just...

Did you have a chance to read my book that I sent over?

-Is that what this is?

Urlacher (on telephone): Yeah, I'd really like you to write the forward.

If you're interested.

Yeah, I suppose.

I'm going to have to read it, though, you know.

Can't just write something. I gotta believe in it.

-I completely understand.

Is it okay if I circle back in, what, a week or so?

-Riggle (on telephone): Yeah, that's fine.

I can read a book in a week.

-Great. Thanks so much, Rob.

-(telephone ringing)

- You've got Gary. -Gary, it's Riggle.

I just got big-timed by Urlacher again.

Get me a publisher.

I'm writing a book.

-(classical music playing)

-Mm.

Mm. No, no. That's too firm.

It's poached, not coddled.

-My apologies, Chauncy.

-Oh, you'll let me know if I'm being a thorn, won't you?

I hope you're not treating me differently because of my parents.

-Oh, no. This is standard fare.

How's the bidet?

-I'm squeaky clean. -(squeaking)

-Dirk, bribe didn't work.

What the hell is this?

-Dirk: Uh... -This is as nice as Rob's house.

This is way nicer than your house.

-Okay, okay. Let's go. Let's go outside. -Preggers: Wow!

-Look, so Chauncy's parents are rich, Swiss nationals.

Now, I've been trying to make some money,

so I offered a premium package to all the cadets' parents.

Chauncy's parents are the only ones that bit.

-That's great. How much we get?

-We get about $20,000.

-You shut your face.

-I know, right?

-So, now, all you gotta do is be his little bitch.

-I don't think I have to be his bitch.

-No, that seems like that's it. -I don't think.

-Well, it seems like you just kinda cook-coddled him some eggs

like a little bitch boy, so...

-Where's the, uh, briefcase?

-Which briefcase?

-The briefcase that I handed you.

The one filled with money.

-Chancy, look, this little arrangement you got here,

it's tight as hell,

but I'm gonna need you to suspend it for a day, okay?

The Lake Commissioner has gotta see that this is an equal-opportunity camp.

So, do you think you can act like a normal person

for just a little bit?

-Hmm. You mean a poor?

-That is right.

-(sighs) I suppose so.

(clears throat)

Oh, my bills! I have so much bills!

Oh, I can't go to the hospital when I want to!

Oh, is this food from a microwave? (chuckling)

-That is hilarious. Let's get you back out with the others.

Come on. Here we go.

-(upbeat rock music playing)

-(upbeat rock music ends)

-(zapping)

-I'll get it.

-(dramatic music playing)

-(ominous rustling)

-(ominous rustling intensifies)

-Where did it go?

-Um... Um, maybe we could use a big stick.

-We could use my dick, that's pretty big. (laughing)

-I often regret my friendship with you, Brother Todd.

Oh, this might work.

-Hey! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait!

What the hell are you doing? Did you read the sign?

-Rather unspecific.

-Anything that goes in those things never comes out.

-What do you mean "never comes out"?

Show us.

-Okay.

-Jeb: Oh!

-(zapping)

-Todd: (laughing) That's freakin' dope!

-Lucky you, I have many of those.

-Anyway, show's over, all right?

You guys get out of here. Those things are dangerous.

Strike one!

-(ominous rustling)

-Do you think we should leave as brother Gil commands?

-No, I think we should throw more shit in there.

-Agreed.

The National Association of Water Sports

and Dressage Education has tasked me with investigating

whether this is an appropriate learning environment.

My report, coupled with your performance on the midterm exams,

will determine if this academy will remain an accredited institution.

-Well, uh, Commissioner, allow me to introduce our cadets.

It is a, uh, small class.

-I thought you were down to four. You only have two here.

-I couldn't find Jeb, and I didn't wanna find Todd.

-Oh, so two cadets are just missing? Okay.

-Why don't we, uh, take a tour of the facilities?

You know, every cadet gets their own towel now.

-Commissioner: Really?

-Dirk: Yeah, before, they had to share one.

-I am...

Rob Riggle. (chuckles)

Ah!

Okay, here we go, Riggle. Come on. Fire! Fire! Fire!

As Riggle crested the mountain...

(exclaiming in frustration)

I am...

strong.

(grumbling in frustration)

Were you ever in a band? What have you got? Come on!

Were you ever... stood up on a date?

(laughing) Of course not, Riggle.

You're too cool for that.

My favorite color...

is...

TBD.

-(knocking on door)

-Uh, not now. I'm getting stuff done in here.

-(sighing) Rob, we gotta talk, ski shredder to ski shredder.

My dad is not letting up on letting me teach stunts,

so I need you to sign this executive order to change the class assignments.

If not for your employee,

do it for your number one fan.

-My number one fan?

-Yeah, big time!

I mean, I've always thought you were kick-ass.

-Really?

Would you say you could write a book on me?

-Yeah!

-Congratulations! You're hired!

-You are now the official autobiographer of Rob Riggle.

-Oh... literally write the book on you? -Yeah.

And if you knock this thing out,

I'll sign whatever you want.

-You have got yourself a deal. -(laughing)

All right, Bing-Bong, get to typing.

I'm gonna get some beef jerky. I'll be back in about five minutes.

Why don't you have about 10 pages done?

-Uh... -Clackity-clack! Come on!

-He misspelled "Riggle."

-(upbeat rock music playing)

-(Todd and Jeb laughing) -(zapping)

Yes!

-(Todd and Jeb laughing) -(zapping)

-(grunting)

-(Todd and Jeb laughing) -(zapping)

I have to say, us Levitical Scientists would normally shun

this kind of secular experimentation,

but this really is quite exhilarating.

-Learning can be hella tight sometimes.

-(Todd grunting)

-(Jeb laughing) -(zapping)

-Jeb: Do you think anyone will notice

we threw all the personal watercraft in there?

-Todd: Nah.

-So, you're an academy specializing in personal watercraft,

and yet, I don't see any personal watercraft.

-Yeah, how many points off that gonna be?

-A lot, but not as many as you would think.

-I'm sure the fleet is around here somewhere. We should ask Gil.

-Preggers: Yeah. Shit, yeah!

I'll go run ahead and make sure he's not stoned...

to the death by a bunch of Christians

for being too good an example. Cool!

-(music playing on cell phone) -(laughing)

-So... -Oh. Wait. Wait. Wait.

-(music stops)

-(tapping repeatedly)

-Okay, you.

-What was it like after the first "Ski Master" movie came out? Uh...

-Oh, my god! I don't know.

We made a movie, and then life kicked ass, all right?

Chapter two. You need to beef this stuff up, Bam-Bam. That's your job.

-It's Brit-Brit.

-Well, that's just as dumb.

Listen, whatever.

I gotta go. I'm Audi 5G.

I've got a personal appearance over at Senor Dicks,

and they dock you a hundo if you're not...

You know what? You don't need my life story.

So, I'm out.

Who locked this?

-I need more sources.

-(engine cranking)

-Dirk: Okay, uh, Gil.

Ah, yes. Uh, this is our director of, uh, maintenance.

Uh, this is Gil.

-Hi, Gil.

-Hi.

-What are you repairing?

-Oh, uh, this? -Commissioner: Yeah.

-Um, this isn't a repair.

I, uh, rigged an old personal watercraft and this washing machine,

and together, they make my Erotica-ton.

My sex robot. What?

-(engine running)

-(metal clanking)

-Oh, uh, Gil, uh... Do you happen to know where our fleet has vanished to?

-Uh, I have no idea.

I'm banned from going near it, remember?

Uh, because I killed someone.

-Out of curiosity, how many points off is that gonna be?

-It's gonna be a lot.

-Todd and Jeb: (chanting) Reeds! Reeds! Reeds! Reeds!

Reeds! Reeds! Reeds! Reeds! Reeds! Reeds! Reeds! Reeds!

-Hey, hey, hey! God damn it! Pull him back!

-Whoa!

-What did I say? What did I say?

Did you guys take our entire personal watercraft fleet

and put them in those reeds?

-(screaming)

Whoa!

-Gil: Okay, grow up!

What is the big fascination with these?

They're just inter-dimensional reeds. That's is. Let's go.

I don't have time for this. I have a date.

-So, Lake and Ski Culture? Is this, like, a sociology class?

-Yes, with a little chemistry mixed in.

-Now, that is why it's important

to always mix your grain alcohols with a Gatorade or something like that, okay,

before you turn up at the lake.

Now, if you show up, okay, and there are no open containers,

do not bring a red cup. It isn't gonna work. They're looking for that shit.

-I, for one, hate those men who police our public beaches

where all we common folk gather by the thousands

to enjoy our lime-infused ale and act like animals.

-Preggers: Shit yeah, Chauncy! You are just a normal cadet.

Oh, well, well, well, look who decided to join us.

-'Sup?

-Pretty cool move rolling up late like that.

Right that down, Chandler.

Thank you.

All right, now, how do we deal with a ski-UI?

Do any of you know how to blackmail any arresting officer?

-Okay, I've had enough. This is ridiculous.

What? Did Preggers just start teaching this class yesterday?

-Um, a couple weeks ago, Carl. Step off.

-Okay, look a Big Gulp cup is good.

It's big. It's sturdy. You don't have to stop and waste money on a Gatorade.

-God damn it, Carl. One of these.

Yeah! Shit, yeah! He's right. Write it down.

-Commissioner, just so I know, how we doing?

-Well, from what I've seen,

I'm sorry, Dirk.

You've failed the inspection. That was the rest of it. -Dirk and Preggers: Aw!

-I thought you could tell from the context.

-God damn it, Carl! You've gotta give us a second chance, okay?

Now, I need this job.

You don't want me on the loose. I'll tell you that.

-Let it go, Preggers. This place is a disaster,

and it's proven itself to be a life-threatening risk to anyone that attends.

This academy needs to be shut down.

That's what's going in my report.

-Oh-ho-ho! (laughing)

Look who got paid!

I'm telling you what. You gotta get into the personal appearance game.

I just made bank. (laughing)

How's it going here?

Good or great?

-Well, we failed the review, so...

-What? -We're screwed.

-Well, hold on now. That review nonsense is only half of it.

We could still pass the midterms, right?

-Really?

Do you think these geniuses are gonna pass the midterm?

-Oh, yeah! Look, no hands!

-They might.

-(moaning)

-Come with me, please. Pregs, you too.

-Yeah, I'm right here. I am right behind you.

-(drum line music playing)

-You know, when I started this academy,

I did it to install the values that I received

while rocking hard on the waves my entire professional career.

Letting the water hit my face, looking sexy as shit.

Some of those values I put out there every day.

Things like being kick-ass,

and no taking any shit from anyone,

and, uh...

You know, doing unto others as they would blah, blah, blah, blah.

But mainly, kicking ass

and not taking shit from anyone.

And I'll be damned...

I will be damned

if I let something like "accreditation"

or "wrongful death" bring us down.

We're gonna teach these cadets real hard,

and they're gonna pass your precious midterms.

-That is beautiful, Rob.

-Yeah.

So, I guess you won't be turning in that bad report, will you?

-Oh, I most definitely am.

-Oh, come on! What's it gonna take? Seriously?

-What's going on over there?

-Oh, that' guy is gonna shut down the school because it's crazy and dangerous.

-Riggle: I mean, the list is long, sir.

-Commissioner: Yeah? -Riggle: Yeah.

-Jeb... -We know what to do.

-Riggle: I'm talking about all eight "Ski Masters," all right?

I will give you the Blu-ray DVD signed.

I'm talking singed DVDs.

"Ski Master: Assignment Tampa," "Ski Master: Revengence."

-Can't I just stream it? Who has a DVD player?

-I don't make any money if you stream it.

-Yeah, that's true.

-Okay, my deal is on DVDs, see? So, I need to get a...

-Pardon me. I'm so sorry. King Riggle, we couldn't help but notice

that the Lake Commissioner had not yet toured the reeds area.

-Oh, yeah. I don't...

I don't think that's necessary. Nah, we're good.

-Well, what is this reeds area that you're talking about?

-Huh? What's that now? -No, nothing.

Uh, you wouldn't be interested in it anyway.

-Yeah.

-I mean, it's, uh, probably something that'd just get us in more trouble.

-Okay.

-Well, maybe I am interested in it.

Why don't we take a little walk down there?

-Well, if you insist.

-Do you know about the reeds? -Oh, I know all about the reeds.

This is the last time the Lake Commissioner messes

with Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy.

Here's the plan.

-(screaming)

-(grunting) Yeah, that's right. That's what you get.

-Trying to throw me in the reeds,

you son of a bitch! -(groaning)

-Yeah, I'm gonna file the shit out of that report.

Yeah, good luck on midterms, assholes.

-Riggle: All right.

-All right.

-All in all, not a bad attempt.

-Rob, I think it was maybe a bad idea to try to murder him.

-Live and learn, people. Live and learn.

We've been in worse jams than this before.

-Preggers: Okay.

-You cadets are gonna have to study for those midterms. That's clear.

As far as our money problems go,

I got that on lock.

Bam-Bam is writing my book right now.

So, you pass the midterms,

and that publicity bump we're gonna get from the greatest story ever told,

no one will dare shut us down.

(groaning) -Preggers: Rob, you okay?

Uh-oh. -(groans)

Feed my fish.

-Gil.

-Oh, yeah.

-Hey, um, I was wondering if you'd do an interview for Rob's book.

-All right, what do you wanna know?

-Oh, just any anecdotes you might have on him,

or maybe you have some thoughts on how Riggle changed the ski stunt world.

-Not really. You know his whole "Ski Master" image is fake, right?

-You ever wonder why a weirdo with no clear job

is living in this sweet house, rent-free?

Riggle can't get rid of me because I know the truth.

Also, he's my best friend.

-And what is the truth?

-Your dad did all the big stunts for "Ski Masters", right?

-Yeah, assembling a Jet Ski while skydiving

in "Ski Master: Revengence,"

Jumping the Burj Khalifa in "Ski Master: To Ski or Not To Ski?" I mean...

-Right, but Dirk didn't just do the big stunts, kid.

-What do you mean?

-He stood in for every single ski shot.

Any time Riggle is on the water, it's Dirk.

You know why?

Riggle doesn't know how to ride a Jet Ski, a Sea-Doo, WaveRunner,

personal watercraft, or anything.

He's made a whole career out of being the celebrity face of sweet-ass ski culture,

but you get him out on the waves,

and he's gonna get himself killed.

He's a lying asshole,

and he's my best friend.

-So, Riggle has just been conning everyone?

-Yep, and it's the perfect crime.

Because from a distance, he and Dirk look almost exactly alike.

-That's true.

(sighs)

Oh, my god!

Rob Riggle is full of shit.

-(dramatic music playing)

-I trusted you!

You son of a bitch!

(sighs)

(exhales deeply)

"Rob Riggle:

"The True Story

of an A-List Asshole."

Hmm.

-(dramatic music playing)

-(growling)

-Man: Right on time.

Captioned by Point.360