Original subtitles

-(indistinct shouting)

-Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Listen.

Please. Please listen.

So, we've covered the death of Dermot Mulroney.

-So sad. (kissing)

-And we've also talked about Brian Urlacher

and how he sucks dog shit through a straw. -Garbage person, very bad.

-Rob: And we've talked about a ghost,

which I only heard about secondhand, so don't hold me to that.

All in all, I'd say

it could've gone a lot worse for our first week.

So who's ready for a break? I am.

-All right. Let's do a break. -(indistinct shouting)

-Are you even allowed to have an academy?

-Okay, hold on a second here.

Rob is a victim, okay? -That's right.

-He is the Bernie Madoff,

and all you guys are coming to take him down.

-Yes, and also, thank you, Gary.

We lost 75% of our cadets.

I mean, things were getting desperate.

But thank God, I love having great ideas.

I rented out the lake...

-Booyah! -...to a TV shoot,

gave 'em a huge tax credit, like they do down in Atlanta.

-Okay, how would a tax credit benefit you?

Do you have a film commission in place?

Is the academy its own economy?

-Okay, lady, it all pencils out, okay?

So just trust me.

-(dramatic music plays)

-Rob, I don't understand how a tax credit benefits us.

We don't have a film commission in place,

and the academy doesn't have an economy.

-Dirk, when a TV show shoots in Atlanta,

they get a "tax credit,"

and then the money goes right back into Atlanta.

-Okay. Atlanta benefits from local hires,

and also the crew engages in the economy of the city.

-Look, I come up with the big ideas. All right?

I just skimmed a headline about this.

-♪ Now, now is the time ♪

♪ The lake is the place ♪

♪ To make some stuff explode ♪

-(explosion)

-♪ And throw it all in their face ♪

♪ So don't be a tool ♪

♪ It's the ski master rule ♪

♪ It's really great to be at ♪

♪ Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪ -(screaming)

-♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-Watch out!

-Now, taste it!

-I got this! No, I don't!

-Oh, God damn it. Let's go!

You want to be out there?

You want to be a professional?

-All right. That's good. Thank you so much.

-Damn it. You want to be a good skier?

-Oh! We're cleansing our bodies.

The Lord will be most displeased.

-(Brit groans)

-Hell, yeah! You can't mess with Big Pound!

(laughs)

-God damn it.

Now you see this, cadets?

This is why we practice on land.

You don't want to be out in the water

getting shown up by this douchebag.

-That's right. (laughs)

-Dirk: All right, cadets.

Classes are canceled today.

We need to clear the shoreline.

-Todd: What? -Dad. No, you gave me a shitty job,

but I'm gonna do it.

Hey, we'll stay until the lesson's over.

-Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, dick weasels! Did you guys hear?

They are filming a TV fishing show here.

Yeah, and not one of them shitty ones, neither.

No, this isn't, like, Terrence Coddington

or Tevan St. Pearly Muscle.

This is Jim Bassman!

Jim Bassman.

He's only won 16 Fishies,

the Emmy's for the fishing world.

Jim Bassman, Jim Bassman?

Unbelievable. Get up here.

I'm gonna show you something. He's a big deal. Come on!

-(banjo music playing on phone)

-This is big-deal stuff right here, okay?

-I'm Jim Bassman, and this is Bass to Bass.

Whoa, whoa! -(splashing)

-This dock looks pretty solid.

Whoa! -(splashing)

-It's nuts.

-I think I got a big one.

Whoa! -(splashing)

-I love that one. That was good.

-I'll have one for Ernest Goes to Jail.

Wow! -(splashing)

-(Bassman speaking Hebrew)

-Wah! -(laughing)

-(splashing)

-I mean, he ain't one of them glossy types, either.

Nope. No, no, no, no, no.

He keeps all his goofs.

-All right, cadets. I guess be on your best behavior.

Act like there's a celebrity here.

-Rob Riggle is here all the time.

-Okay, a real celebrity, Chandler. Come on.

-(Dirk whistling)

-Brit: Hey, Dad? -Dirk: Hmm?

-I'm gonna move the Sea-Doos somewhere

so they're not in the shot,

and maybe do a couple spider flips on 'em, 360 flairs.

-Sure.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Wait a minute.

Quit trying to trick me

into letting you chase your dreams.

-Oh, damn it!

-Look, Riggle has stuck us

with the Bassman guy for the day,

and I'm gonna trust you

with one of the most important jobs.

And that is to get all the crap he needs.

Let's see. Gummy bears, sunscreen,

some sweet, sweet kush,

Delphonics album, the best one, your decision.

Oh, and a whole bunch of nightcrawlers.

You can get those in the mud over by the creek.

-Can I?

-I appreciate that you're super sarcastic

yet still doing it, honey.

-(suspenseful music plays)

-What the--?

-(sniffs)

-Gasoline?

Hey, Gil! -I never been to Mexico! Oh!

What's up, Dirk? -Hey, Gil.

Uh, look, we're shooting a TV show here today,

so I'm gonna need you to get rid of this hunk of junk.

It makes the whole place look trashy.

-No way, my man. I can't get rid of Li'l Zoomer.

This was my first personal watercraft.

I got him when I was a little boy.

-(nostalgic music plays) -(child laughing)

-Child Gil: I' m gonna name you Li'l Zoomer!

You're my best friend! -(engine revving)

-(no music playing)

-(music resumes) -That was right before everything went wrong.

The drugs, the women, the men,

that damn owl.

-(owl hooting)

-It's an eyesore, Gil.

-No prob, Dirk. It's almost finished up.

-It's on fire.

-(whooshing)

-(flies buzzing)

-Ugh!

How am I supposed to find nightcrawlers during the day?

-(ethereal singing)

(singing continues)

-Brit: Hey!

You're a mermaid!

-Um, yes!

(chuckles)

You don't seem that surprised.

-Nah, we had a ghost last week.

My name is Brit Brit.

My dad named me that because he thought it was cute,

and I assume wanted a quick, inescapable way

of demeaning me later in life.

I work at Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy.

-Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy?

-Yeah. It's just the facility over there.

-Oh! In my language,

we call that the asshole factory.

-Oh.

What's your name?

Oh, it's difficult to pronounce in your tongue.

(enunciating) I am Karen.

-(ethereal music plays)

-What a strange name.

Hey. Wait a second.

I thought mermaids live in the ocean.

-Yes, indeed I am unique.

The story of my creation is actually quite beautiful.

A long time ago,

a group of mature koi were laying eggs by the lakeshore.

A man, a human man, was nearby,

watching this beautiful event.

He was so enraptured in the moment,

he jerked off into the water,

and then he was chased away by a group of villagers,

for they had called the cops.

Then lo, two days later,

a miracle was born.

-Ew.

Brit Brit, I long to be with others of my kind in the ocean,

but I fear what will happen if I'm discovered.

Can you keep me a secret?

-Of course I can.

-Rob: Holy shit!

-Oh, no. It's the king of the asshole factory!

-Oh, a mermaid?

Are you kidding me?

This is a potentially huge tourist draw.

This will make up for the dropouts

and get us out from under that tax-credit idea

that Dirk screwed up.

-How did you give somebody a tax credit?

-Oh, they'll come from miles around

to see this freaky thing.

-It's Karen. -You know what, Rob?

She was actually just talking about

how she wanted to leave this place, actually.

-Shh.

Bon-bon, I'm visualizing right now.

(chuckles)

I'm gonna order a shit ton of merch.

-Rob, no. -Yes, no, you know what else?

We got to come up with some sort of premiere appearance.

Yeah, something like,

"Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy Presents Karen"!

(laughs) Hot diggity!

Okay. Teach it some tricks and shit.

This is good. This is good!

-You know I speak English! -Rob: Adios!

-I won't let this happen, Karen.

I know what it's like to feel trapped.

My asshole dad won't let me teach stunts.

-Yes, our situations are exactly the same.

Thank you so much for relating with me.

-(horn honks) -Okay! Okay!

He is the folksiest,

most down-to-earth man alive.

Fix this. Fix it! Okay.

He is the Jackal of Tackle.

All right? The Steel Reel,

the Flea of the Goddamn Sea.

And by Flea, I mean the bassist for the Chili Peppers.

-All right, we'll talk, baby. Take care.

-You have a call with the network at 1:00 p.m.,

and this lakeside doesn't appear to have a Nobu.

-What the hell, Belinda?

If they don't have a Nobu, then open one yourself.

Where's your green room?

Come on. It's a small room where there's refreshments,

and where I don't have to look at you people.

Come on. -(snaps fingers)

-Thank you.

All right. Now, order me one of them lady masseuses

that'll give me a tug job.

-He doesn't seem very folksy.

-I-I don't believe it.

He's not a lake-billy at all. He's...

He's just one of them

city-folk dick bags?

-Uh-oh!

-Chandler: Mr. Bassman?

-Yeah. Busy.

-Hi. Um...

One of my instructors is your biggest fan.

Could she meet you?

-Okay. Fine.

Wait a second now. Gol--

(exaggerated) Golly!

Eh, good enough.

Why, hello, there, little filly.

Come on in. Let's get this done.

-Yeah, I want to get my picture made.

-Okay, then. Let's do it.

-Okay. (laughing)

Yeah, actually, I have just a quick question.

In Episode 456,

when you caught that 200-pound catfish

down in Houston, Missouri,

did you put it back? 'Cause I don't--

I just don't know if I saw you put it back or what.

-(laughing) Golly!

Let's, uh, just, uh,

get that picture taken. How about that?

-Great idea. Miss Preggers, get in there.

-All right. Hold that fish out! (laughs)

-Chandler: Say, "I'm meeting one of my heroes

and it's better than I ever thought it would be!"

-Too many words.

-Okay. Got it. -(camera clicks)

-You got it? Good. That's great.

If you'll excuse me, I got to pray to baby Jesus,

so he brings me a lot more fish to catch and release.

(shouts) Belinda!

I'm waiting on that papaya yogurt.

And what about that tug job?

Am I supposed to do everything myself?

-Rob: Hey, Gary!

Guess what!

I just solved all our money problems.

Boom, just like that.

All I need is a shit ton of mermaid merchandise.

Yeah, I don't know, like, uh,

mer-mugs, fin hats,

pregnancy tests, mermaid taffy.

I don't give a shit. Mermaid hiking gear.

You throw something at me.

No. No.

That-- that's stupid.

Mermaid sex dolls! Do they make those?

How do you know?

Okay. No. Stop talking.

Order it all. Get me 30 crates.

Yeah, COD's fine, dude.

We're gonna make it up in no time.

You got to spend money to make money, baby.

What, what! (laughs)

Get the sex dolls.

Yeah, do that for sure.

-Hmm.

So, we need to get you to the ocean,

which means a drive through town,

which means a disguise.

What if we stole a cadet's uniform?

-Are pants involved?

-Khakis, yes.

-Yeah, no. I-I don't have legs.

-What if you grow legs?

-Um, excuse me, that is some Disney bullshit.

-What if we find you a sea witch?

-Do you know a sea witch?

-No. -Okay, yeah.

I think we're just gonna have to keep brainstorming more ideas.

-♪ I used to take on the world ♪

♪ On my own ♪

♪ Thought I was so strong ♪

-♪ As long as I'm here ♪

♪ By your side ♪

♪ Ten times as strong together ♪

♪ We're amplified ♪

-(bell dings)

-Ah, Zoomer, you're looking as good

as you did on my wedding day.

-(piano music plays)

-Woman: It's me or Li'l Zoomer, Gil.

-Young Gil: I choose Zoomer.

-(owl hoots)

-Gil?

-Dirk!

Almost got Li'l Zoomer running again.

Check it out.

-(engine sputters)

-(electricity crackles) -(Gil groans)

-Well, shit!

-Gil, you've put too much work into her, you know?

Like I say when I teach water-based accounting,

these machines are money pits.

Sometimes you got to realize

when it's best just to put her down.

Reminds me of my dog when I was a kid.

-(somber music plays) -Young Dirk: No! Not Rusty.

-(gun cocks, gunshot echoes) -(dog whimpers)

-(music ends) -You put your dog down

because it was getting too expensive?

-No. Look, just get rid of this thing.

It's time, Gil.

-Sorry Brit Brit hasn't returned that with that bait yet.

She wouldn't know the difference between

a corn borer caterpillar and a hole in her ass.

-I don't need bait.

-Oh. Okay. You gonna go Alabama style?

Just blast the lake with a big-ass gun? I get you.

-I don't fish with a gun, sweetie.

I don't fish at all.

-(dramatic music plays)

-(Preggers gasps) You're prehooking your fish?

All right, Hick.

May I call you Hick?

-(softly) Yeah.

-Look, I know you're testing me, okay?

I am from the sticks, okay?

But you get successful,

make money, you move.

You meet new friends. You start sleeping with their wives.

I can't help it. I'm not the guy I used to be.

I've caught everything there is to catch in this world,

so fishing doesn't give me the thrill it used to.

And then the public, well,

they don't want to embrace that reality.

They don't want me to grow.

-Yeah, well, that's messed up.

-It's just sexy entertainment now.

No different than George Clooney or Jon Hamm

or CSPAN,

something you jerk off to before you go to bed.

All right. Now, would you get out of here?

Go tip over an animal

or boink your cousin,

whatever makes you happy.

-He's only a cousin by marriage.

It doesn't count.

-Belinda! Pole! Thank you.

Put a big one on.

-What if we created a sorority

and made an admittance video so delightful

that it got us into the ocean?

-Okay, that's just the plot of Legally Blonde

except you changed Harvard to the ocean.

I can't tell if you're overthinking this

or underthinking this.

-(scoffs)

You know, I'm starting to sense a real attitude from you, Karen.

Maybe you should just stay here.

The lake isn't so bad. I mean...

being a tourist attraction could be nice.

You'd be helping to keep the asshole factory afloat.

-I'm so sorry for shutting down your very stupid ideas,

but what happened to relating to me?

What happened to knowing what it feels like to be trapped?

Man, you give up easy.

-(exhales sharply)

Gosh, Karen. You're so right.

This place isn't the boss of us.

Let's get you to the ocean as fast as possible.

-(grunting) -(wheels squeaking)

-(dramatic music plays)

-(panting) Oh, God. I'm sorry, I just--

Oh! I need a second.

-What the jizz?

Hold up on the bass setup, y'all.

I got an idea for a very special episode.

We're gonna see if we can't catch

the most dangerous game of all...

mermaid.

-(Southern accent) Howdy, y'all!

Welcome to another edition of Bass to Bass,

with me, the Bassman.

Well, we got a special one for you today.

Talking about my Uncle Wilbur...

-This shit ain't right.

-What? Bassman?

-It's a lie, and it's wrong,

and I'm gonna bring that asshole down.

I got a real intricate plan.

-Bassman: ...something real bigger than bass. No, no, no.

No, we're catching mermaids,

and rights just now I got my sights

on one just over yonder.

-Take that, you carpetbagging shit bird!

Run, y'all!

-(Brit gasps) -Oh! Humans are the worst!

-We're getting you out of here now. -Yeah!

-He's a phony, all right?

None of this shit's real, America.

You're worshiping a fake idol!

-(normal voice) Quit filming!

You're gonna ruin us, you goddamn morons!

-This show isn't live.

-Huh?

Well, I want that goddamn mermaid.

-Yeah, well, I want a lot of things.

-(seagull cawing)

-Okay.

-Oh, no!

Is that your seagull pal?

-Oh, again, that's some Disney shit!

Widen your cultural knowledge, Brit.

-(laughing)

-(grunting)

-Bassman: Ooh, yeah.

Prepare to meet Poseidon, Ariel!

-That is so offensive.

And, guys, it's not even the best mermaid movie!

What about Splash?

-Yeah, but have you watched it recently? Does it hold up?

-Hoo-hoo-hoo, yeah.

-Oh, God!

-Brit: I'll have to hot-wire it.

-No! No! I am not gonna let that happen.

Oh! Ugh!

An elbow!

My only weakness.

-Nobody jacks up my show!

-(dramatic music plays)

-(sobbing) Well...

I guess it's time. (sniffles)

I'll miss you, Li'l Zoomer.

-(somber music plays)

-(gas sloshes)

-I guess there's no other way. -(gun cocks)

-(explosion) -(rumbling)

-Oh!

(gasps)

Bury me in California,

so people don't think I was poor.

-(engine starts)

-(gasps)

(exhales)

-Well... (clicks tongue)

that could not have gone better. Right?

Yeah, you get it.

-Brit: Oh, my gosh. I can't believe we got away!

Just let me check the GPS and see how far the ocean is.

-Thank you for everything, Brit Brit,

and I'm really sorry for giving you such a hard time today.

This just seemed like my only chance for happiness,

and you were saying a lot of stupid things,

and messing up a shit ton.

And I just thought you were a really dumb idiot.

-Oh, yeah. It's no problem.

I mean, it was a rush,

and it felt nice to be needed.

-Yeah.

Gosh, I'm so excited.

I've never been this far from the lake before

and so close to my dreams.

Ah, I feel so weird.

-Okay. So the GPS says it's about an hour to the ocean.

How long can you be out of the water?

-I don't know. -Could you give me a rough estimate?

-(Karen chokes)

-Hmm.

So not this long, then.

Guess it's back to the asshole factory. -(engine starts)

-Lake Commissioner: Guys, my hands are tied here.

The academy is pretty consistently

a major crime scene.

You've had two dead bodies in two weeks.

-No murders!

-As silver linings go, that's not great.

The National Association of Watersports and Dressage Education,

they've ordered a complete review.

-That's a thing?

That I know about.

-Lake Commissioner: I've agreed to perform the inspection

and submit a report.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm an official member.

-Oh, Rob. I'm sorry. I--

I feel I've just let you down.

-No. No, Dirk.

Even if this nerd takes away our accreditation,

it ain't the end of the world.

At least our money problems are solved

now that we have a mermaid

that's gonna put us on the map

as a worldwide tourist destination.

-Yeah, I'm gonna need to know how much all this stuff costs.

-Deh, deh, deh. -(Brit sighs heavily)

-Hey, everyone.

-Hey, Beth-Beth!

Where's the mermaid?

-(dramatic music plays) -(flies buzz)

-The mermaid?

-Gil: Hey.

Hey, how do these mermaid pregnancy tests work?

Do you pee on the fin or the face?

-(sighs heavily)

The face.

-♪ Now is the time ♪

♪ The lake is the place ♪

♪ To make some stuff explode ♪

♪ And throw it all in their face ♪

♪ So don't be a tool ♪

♪ It's the ski master rule ♪

♪ It's really great to be at ♪

♪ Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ Rob Riggle's Ski Master Academy ♪

♪ We will kick your ass ♪

-(wind howls)

-Right on time.