Original subtitles

I guess the first three even took me by surprise.

A hard man is good,

a well-hung hard man is good to find.

It was wonderful,

and I'm dead tired.

And then Diane stepped into my life.

Well, well, actually, she stepped into my bar first,

and then, well.

She was perfect, long, sinuous legs,

a great little ass, you know,

the kind you wanna sink your teeth into.

Perfect, and I mean perfect, breasts.

Beautiful face, thick, sensuous lips,

deep, penetrating eyes.

When she'd smile, she'd send shivers up and down my spine.

And then I found out she liked grapes!

I hate grapes, I can't stand grapes!

I loathe grapes, all kinds of grapes!

I hate purple grapes, I hate green grapes,

I hate grapes with seeds, I hate grapes without seeds!

I hate them peeled and non-peeled!

I hate grapes in bunches, one at time,

or in groups of twos and threes!

I fucking hate grapes!

I was pretty depressed for a while.

I almost gave up,

and then Kate stepped into my,

my bar!

Ah, Kate!

She was perfect, long, sinuous legs,

a great little ass, you know,

the kind you wanna sink your teeth into.

Perfect, I mean perfect, breasts.

Beautiful face, thick, sensuous lips,

deep, penetrating eyes.

When she'd smile, she'd send shivers up and down my spine.

I was in love.

I remember in exact detail, well, almost exact detail,

the first time I saw her.

It was a Saturday night and my place was packed.

Nikki was dancing, I remember this

because she was the only dancer I had at the time.

She was all the bar needed.

Phew, could she do splits!

Thanks.

No problem.

How 'bout a drink?

How does a long, cool glass of Welch's grape juice sound?

Grapes, I hate grapes!

I can't stand grapes, I loathe grapes, all kinds of grapes!

I hate purple grapes, I hate green grapes,

I hate grapes with seeds, I hate grapes without seeds!

I hate them peeled and non-peeled!

I hate them in bunches, one at a time,

or in small groups of twos and threes!

I fucking hate grapes!

What a woman, whatta woman!

What, a woman?

What a woman?

I know this one, whatta woman, what a woman, phew!

I really liked Joe at first,

but I really didn't think he'd like me.

I mean, not after he knew.

Have a seat.

I'm gonna go slip into something more comfortable.

Shhh, wow!

Like what you see?

Yeah, baby, you look hotter than the weather.

All I need is one more thing.

Well, I'm right over here.

Whatcha doin'?

Are you gonna do my nails or somethin'?

We're gonna shoot the shit?

Not exactly.

You know, it's a really nice day out.

It's a little hot, but who cares?

You know, this time of year in Europe,

it's grape picking season.

I know that because some friends of mine and me

we went, uh, to Europe, we were,

we picked grapes all over the place, we had a blast.

I bet.

You sure you don't want any champagne?

No, I, I don't really like grape products.

Ah.

I think I'll have more chicken, though.

Let me put some suntan lotion on your legs.

Your nails are perfect, what did you want a manicure for?

Well, you know the old saying,

an ounce of prevention is worth a man a cure.

So, is it hot enough for you?

I guess I thought that me being both a manicurist

and a psychotic killer would turn a guy off.

So what do you do?

Nails.

Nails?

Mostly.

Oh.

Oh?

Nails.

Yeah.

Manicurist?

Manicurist.

Oh.

Want one?

A manicure?

A manicure.

Are you askin' me out?

Somethin' like that.

How 'bout, uh, dinner, a movie, and a manicure?

Sounds great.

Great!

Great?

Great!

Great!

At first, I was a little apprehensive.

I mean, what did I really know about this girl?

Sure, she was gorgeous and she didn't like grapes,

but come on, a manicurist?

OK, he seemed different.

I don't know, there was something funny

and lovable about him, but I wasn't taking any chances.

A manicure was the best way to end a date

no matter how you looked at it.

Three minutes til we start our gorefest!

You know, I love eating Chinese food out of the cartons.

Me, too, except, 'cept my hand always cramps up

when I use chopsticks.

That's why God made plastic forks.

Oh, really?

Made in Taiwan, is that where God lives?

Sure you don't want any popcorn?

No, I'm full.

Do you have any Windex in your purse?

No, just Lemon Pledge.

That streaks the glass.

Sorry.

Get outta the car for a minute.

One minute and 12 seconds til showtime, folks.

OK.

Sound off, 10-4!

All you do is sit in the car with Steve Rogers.

Pity those four girls cant'...

That's all we've got, all we've got

is that they came from this neighborhood.

This is work...

Might as well, at least she looks the part.

Going to my bed?

So how 'bout that manicure,

I mean, I have been waiting all night for it.

You sure you want it?

Are you kidding, I live for manicures!

Really?

Uh, no.

This hand?

Yeah.

Ow!

Sorry.

It's OK.

Kate?

Yeah?

Can, uh, can I tell you something

I've never told anyone before?

I guess so.

I really don't know how to say this,

and I don't want you to get the wrong idea or anything,

but I'm not gonna kill you.

I mean, I'm re-, I'm really not gonna kill you, really!

It's just, aw shit, um.

I, I, I guess what I mean to say is, uh,

I'm a psycho killer.

Huh?

I'm a mad slasher, I kill people.

I don't believe it!

What?

Me, too!

Get outta here, really?

Really, I'm not kidding!

Who do you kill?

Women at random!

I kill men at random!

Get out, and here I was thinking you wouldn't understand!

Joe, why do you kill these women?

Well, I, uh, feel that I just cannot function

within the norms of society.

Me neither, uh!

I firmly acknowledge the fact that I'm criminally insane!

Me, too 'cause I'm, yes,

'cause I'm psychologically un, unstable!

I'm unstable, too!

Kate,

would you like to, uh, you know.

Would I like what?

Um,

would you like to, you know!

What is it, Joe?

Um.

Would you like to maybe, uh,

be unstable together?

Aw, Joe.

That was great.

Thanks, as a kid, I used to do pushups with my tongue.

It paid off.

What do you do with the bodies after?

Me?

Yeah, you.

I like to cut 'em up into little, tiny pieces

and play with them.

Ooh.

You?

Me?

Yeah, you.

I just get rid of 'em, throw 'em in rivers,

dumpsters, New Jersey Turnpike, whatever's around.

What exit?

When did you start?

High school.

No kidding, me, too.

I was a, uh, a junior.

I was a senior.

Ha ha, beat you!

I'm so glad I found you.

Kate moved in the next day.

We couldn't stand being apart,

but we had a very open relationship.

We could be together and still pursue our hobby.

You read my mind, I'm dying of thirst.

Wow, I-I've never had a manicure before!

I can tell.

Will it hurt?

I'll make it as painless as possible.

What kind of, uh, tools do you use?

Let me show you.

I mean Ozzy and Ratt are good,

but Satan's Lock, they're the greatest!

They're like God!

They, they must come from Taiwan!

Huh?

Did you ever hear their song Tool In Your Mouth?

No, I haven't had the pleasure.

It goes something like, ooh, uh,

♪ Tool in your mouth

That's it!

Is it?

You've heard it before?

I just play by ear.

Oh, well, you know what?

What?

I fucked all four guys in the band.

Well, good for you, bully-bully!

One was even married, and I fucked him and his wife both.

I guess you could say I'm their number one groupie.

Yeah, well, I bet your parents

are real proud of you!

Yeah.

What're you doin'?

We're gonna fuck, aren't we, I mean,

that's why I'm here, isn't it?

Well...

So I figured why waste time.

You know, that's exactly what I was thinking.

Do you have any coke?

No, I don't, I have some Pepsi and some Slice

and I might have some Diet Slice which is really good stuff.

Yeah, well, that wasn't quite what I was thinking of.

So you wanna do me first?

Bingo!

Hi, honey, I'm home!

Hi, how was, uh, how was your day, dear?

Mine was fine, how was yours?

Not too bad, I was really busy, I did all my stuff.

Yeah, I can tell.

It was just really great, I had a really good time and...

Oh my God!

What?

That's so strange, the toes are moving!

Oh, yeah, you know, this broad here,

she put up quite a struggle.

Yeah.

But I defeated her!

Oh, Joe, you slay me, you know...

You wish, will you get outta here, will you...

Please?

That drain won't give you any more trouble.

OK, great.

So, how much, how much do I owe you?

Oh, about $45.

45?

Yeah.

Oh, there, 45, there you go.

Thanks, Herman.

Oh, no, thank you.

Mm, mm, mm!

Yeah?

I'm the manicurist.

Almost forgot.

It's so hot out.

This place is kind of out of the way.

Just who are you hiding from?

I like my privacy.

Is this OK?

Fine.

You know, it's so hard to find a manicurist

who makes house calls nowadays.

You're a very attractive woman.

Do you mind?

You know, we're so far away from everybody,

you can scream as loud as you like, my dear,

and no one's ever going to hear you.

That wasn't any fun at all!

So, Josita, how 'bout dippin' my chip in your guacamole?

You limp burrito, eat my taco of love!

Bring on the cheese and the hot sauce, tortilla flat!

Screw you, plumber!

, plumber!

I couldn't a said it better myself.

One.

Hey, Blondie, I could, uh...

Get the fuck away from me, asshole!

This is not a meat market!

Well, maybe it is, but I didn't come here

to get hassled by jerks like you!

Chill out, baby...

I am not your baby!

Look, I was just tryin' to buy you a drink.

You were just trying to get laid.

Well, ya can't blame a guy for tryin'!

Well, try someplace else!

You OK?

Here, that one's on the house,

and I'm not trying to get laid.

Thanks.

One.

Wanna talk?

No.

Do you wanna talk?

Nah, I just wanna drink.

Thanks, anyway.

Sure.

So, uh, how 'bout those Mets,

I mean, do you think that they'll...

Life is so boring, everything is so fucking boring!

Why can't something happen to me exciting,

like just once in my life, is that asking too much?

Well, no, not really...

When I was in college, one of my roommates got raped

and the other one got knocked up by a professor.

It's not like traveling around the world

or be an international spy or anything,

but at least it's something!

I mean, I am really in a rut

and I have been in this rut for 25 years!

I remember when I was five years old back in kindergarten,

all the other little girls had cute little boyfriends

and nice clothes, and they took vacations

with their parents, not me.

Christ, no, I was Miss Boring, no friends,

no nice clothes, no nothin'.

Do you know what that's like?

Nah, you don't know what that's like.

You work in a bar, you meet interesting people,

you see naked women all the time.

You live in a fantasy world,

you don't know how lucky you are.

Oh, I don't know if I can take it anymore.

Have you ever considered killing yourself?

Yeah, now.

I've considered suicide many, many times,

but you, you're happy, you've got everything you want,

everything you need, I can tell.

I can see it in your aura, in your aura, you are happy.

You see, I study yoga, I study yoga

'cause I'm trying to balance my life.

What was I talking about, oh yes!

Suicide, suicide, suicide, it's gotten to the point

where I wish one of those mad slashers,

you know, the type you see in those horror films,

would take me out in the woods, rip my clothes off,

make mad, passionate love to me,

and then slice me up into little pieces.

Oh, I know it sounds crazy,

but at least it would be something different, you know?

I mean, God, Christ, life is so fucking bori-,

oh my God, I have gotta be at work

at nine o'clock tomorrow morning.

Look, I'm gonna see myself out, OK?

I can show...

No, I know the way out, but listen.

What?

Thanks very much for a really nice evening.

I appreciate it.

It was a real slice.

Bye.

Bye.

Shit!

I was slowly beginning to lose interest in slashing.

I don't know.

Now, that doesn't mean I'm gonna stop,

it's just that I'm not enjoying it as much as I used to.

What can I say, I'm in love.

♪ You walk into my life one night

♪ At first, I thought you'd be like all the rest

♪ Morning comes, you rolling in bed

♪ Again, an all around pest

♪ I was all set to cut you into little bitty bits

♪ And chop and dice and slice and slice

♪ And drill with your bits

♪ You turned my life around with your beauty and sense

♪ And all I did was kiss you once

♪ And straight to heaven I went

♪ Said all I did was kiss you once

♪ And straight to heaven I went

♪ 'Cause I'm a psycho in love

♪ I can't handle myself

♪ Psycho in love, I'm a psycho in love

♪ Never felt this way about anyone else

♪ I'm a psycho

♪ Psycho in love

♪ You could be just another victim so

♪ When you asked me out, I said sure

♪ My motto has always been an ounce of prevention

♪ Is worth a manicure

♪ I thought you'd end up being just some other guy

♪ That I could stick my scissors right into your eye

♪ Or could I need a knife to be firm without the blood

♪ I love you even though you cuss

♪ And you look like Elmer Fudd

♪ I love you even though you cuss

♪ And you look like Elmer Fudd

♪ 'Cause I'm a psycho in love

♪ I can't help myself

♪ Psycho in love, I'm a psycho in love

♪ Never felt this way about anyone else

♪ I'm a psycho

♪ Psycho in love

♪ Grapes, we hate 'em, grapes

♪ We hate 'em purple and green

♪ Grapes, we hate 'em, grapes

♪ We hate 'em with or without seeds

♪ I never thought I could be so content

♪ I'm really kind of glad to know you, Kate

♪ You know it's all my pleasure, Joe, my dear

♪ I guess that you can call it fate

♪ I'm sure I'll kill my girls, be faithful to you

♪ And I will slice up many a man

♪ We love each other so, we're just so doggone happy

♪ We're sick, we're crazed, we're lunatics

♪ Not meant for society

♪ Yeah, we're sick, we're crazed, we're lunatics

♪ Not meant for society

♪ 'Cause we are psychos in love

♪ We can't help ourselves

♪ Psychos in love, we are psychos in love

♪ Never felt this way about anyone else

♪ We are psychos

♪ Psychos in love

♪ 'Cause we are psychos in love

♪ We can't help ourselves

♪ Psychos in love, we are psychos in love

♪ Never felt this way about anyone else

♪ We are psychos

♪ Psychos in love

Hey, I'm don-...

That was fast.

That was 85 bucks, pal!

Can't you bill me later?

Look, this is a one-man operation.

If I sent out bills, I'd never have time to plumb!

Plumb?

Check the dictionary, Einstein!

Hey, you wanna beer or a, uh, Pepsi?

Nah, just gimme the money, I gotta go, you know?

How much?

85.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, can I get a receipt with that?

You won't be needing one.

What happened to your windshield?

Nothing.

Oh.

Joe, let me audition for you, I really need the money.

But we don't need anymore dancers.

Don't you at least wanna see my body?

Your body?

My naked body.

All right, all right, go ahead.

Well, hum something and I'll strip.

All right, all right, uh.

That was very good.

Who are you?

Susan, this is Kate, Kate, Susan.

Oh, I get it, threesie!

Uh, no.

You mean, then, me and her and you're gonna watch?

That'd be great!

But no.

You see, Joe's gonna kill you

and then cut you up into little bits.

You're kidding, right?

I'm beat, I'm going up to bed if you guys don't mind.

Good night, Kate, I'll be, uh,

I'll be up in a little while.

Nice meeting you.

Nn-nice meeting, good night.

This is a joke, right?

You're kidding with that knife, aren't you?

This is, like, April Fool's Day, right?

It's July!

Don't point those things at me, they might go off!

You're dead, right?

Morning.

Good morning!

You were late last night.

Well, I got a little carried away.

Great stairway, too bad there's nothing upstairs.

You noticed.

So did you.

C'mon, she makes a great centerpiece!

Right.

Jealous?

A little.

But I love you.

And I love you.

- All right. - OK.

OK.

Hey, babe, I've got 50 bucks in my back pocket

that says I'm taking you home tonight.

It's lying to you.

Oh, yeah, what'll a hundred get me?

A handjob in the back room.

Let's go.

One.

Hi.

Hi, what brings you here?

I had an idea I wanted to talk over with you.

Does it have anything to do with grapes?

What are you, sick?

Naturally.

No, listen, I'm in an adventurous mood.

Great, I'll bring home some tapioca for the bathtub.

That's not what I mean.

Well, then, what?

Let's do one together.

One!

By one, you mean, what...

A beer.

By one you mean?

Mm-hmm.

OK, I, I thought you'd never ask!

One!

- When? - Now!

When?

You pick her out, bring her home.

I'll be waiting.

One!

What brought this on all of a sudden?

I'm thirsty!

What brought this on all of a sudden?

I don't wanna leave you alone with any more Suzans.

Ah, OK.

OK?

OK.

One!

OK.

So, do you guys do this often?

Well, you know, when the feeling hits.

Yeah, so where is she?

Right here.

Wow, you look nice!

Nikki, this is Kate.

I've seen you in the bar before!

Oh, if I knew you were into girls,

I woulda been here a lot sooner!

Why don't we start with a drink?

I don't need one, why don't we sit down?

Mm, you know, maybe, I don't know, a soft drink?

Do you have any grape juice?

No!

Well, then, nothing for me.

I've got everything I need right here.

Joe, could, could you make mine a double shot of bourbon?

You don't need that, baby!

I know just how to relax you!

Joe, do you need a hand?

Thanks.

Sure.

Let's start.

Joe, how would you like to watch

me and your girlfriend get it on?

I've got a better idea.

Yeah, what?

Why'd you have to tell her I liked women?

Well, I knew that'd be the only way to get her here.

Are you OK?

Yeah, I could use another drink though.

Here, I'll get it.

Thanks.

Sure.

Is she?

She's either dead or my watch is stopped.

Where's my drink?

Comin' right up!

Sorry, let me help you.

Thanks.

Sure.

You know, she's got spunk!

What was that?

It was a frying pan.

No, not that, the stuff you threw in her face.

Oh, that, that was bourbon.

That was the stuff that you drink!

Oh.

Now, what were you saying?

Can I have a drink first?

Can I have a drink first.

Thank you.

Sure.

Who is she, the Terminator?

What can I say, strippers have strong constitutions.

Great, and this was my idea.

You wanna, uh, chop her up?

Wanna go to bed?

Well.

It'll be worth your while.

Oh, will it?

Mm-hmm.

Let's chop her up now.

I-I thought you wanted to go to bed!

I do, I-I think we should chop her up first, though.

Hey, did you wax the floor today?

Yeah.

Why?

Well, look at the way the blood just beads up

in little beadlets or bloodlets.

Can we get this over with?

Please?

Aw, Kate, what are we doing?

What do you mean?

I mean, tss, this is,

all I really want is you!

And I, you!

And I, you, meaning all you want is me?

Yeah, and I, you, get it?

I think so.

I don't even enjoy this anymore.

I was only doing it for you.

Kate, let's just get married,

move to the country, raise a family.

Buy a house, get a mortgage, get heavily into debt.

Are you asking me to marry you?

And I, you.

What?

Yes, will you marry me?

Of course, I'll marry you.

You will?

Yeah!

I love you, Kate.

And I love you, Joe.

Wanna chop her up now?

Good idea.

I thought seriously about selling the bar.

I couldn't, but I did marry Kate.

Do you Moe take...

Eh, Joe.

What's that?

Joe.

Right, do you Moe take Faye...

Kate.

Henry.

Who's Henry?

What?

Henry!

What?

Oh, that's you!

Pleased to meet ya.

Thank you, thank, uh, I'm Joe and this is, uh, Kate.

I know that!

Do you, John, take...

No, Joe.

Henry.

Right, I'm Joe.

Who?

Joe.

Joe?

Right.

Oh, I see, do you, Joe, take Faye...

Kate!

Henry.

Joe.

You're Joe.

Right.

Henry.

Right.

Kate.

Right.

Do you, Joe, take Kate...

Faye.

Henry.

Joe.

Kate.

Right!

I'm sorry, I was only joshing.

Do you, Josh...

No, Joe, Joe!

He-Henry.

Right, Joe, Kate.

Who's Josh?

For our honeymoon, we visited

the old slaughterhouses in Chicago.

It was so romantic.

Then one night, we visited this oldies bar.

We were talking to this girl and,

well, I don't know how we got on the subject,

but she said she was a hooker

and wants to know if we were interested.

Kate saw my eyes light up,

so she immediately took control of the conversation

and told the girl to meet us at our hotel in a few hours.

It was great!

Not only was she gorgeous, but I got to live out

one of my favorite Jack the Ripper fantasies.

I never killed a hooker before!

I'll get it.

Hi, come on in!

I'm not late, am I?

No!

Hi.

Hi!

Mind if I take a quick shower first?

Then I'll join you.

Why, are we coming apart?

No, go, go ahead, it's right...

There.

I'll be out in five.

She's all yours.

In the shower?

Might as well.

I love doing it in the shower!

You came prepared.

Well, you know, whenever the feeling hits.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll be right back.

Have fun.

I shall.

When we got home, I got the itch again.

What could I say, I couldn't help myself,

but Joe didn't mind.

In fact, I felt the same way.

You know, Kate, a man with my popularity

and wealth has quite a bit to offer

a young and attractive girl like yourself.

Really?

You know, Joe, I may not be very smart or nothin', but

I know I could make you happy.

I like you a lot.

Who knows.

Ted Turner has his eye on me.

In five years, I could be

the most popular weatherman in this country.

I mean, you're very special, you don't treat me

like the other guys, like a piece of meat.

You make me laugh.

I'm not a bad looking man, either,

and, uh, well, girls your age

usually find weathermen my age, eh, rather sexy.

You know, a turn on.

But you only met me tonight!

I knew right away that you were the one for me.

What did Freud call it?

The Oedipus Complex.

Ah, yes, I believe you're right.

Mm.

I mean, we could,

we could have babies in this living room!

Whatta ya think, huh?

Do you wanna give it a try?

Well, anyway, whatta ya say?

Whatta ya say?

To what?

To what?

An affair.

To what we've been talking about!

With you?

And then?

Aw, come on, baby!

I'm hotter than a warm front

rolling in off the Gulf of Mexico!

Anything you want.

Well, come on, whatta ya say?

Anything.

This is what I say.

That was a bummer!

What an asshole!

- Kate? - Joe?

What, no, you go first.

You go first.

No, what is it?

I don't know.

C'mon, what's wrong?

I don't enjoy killing people anymore.

It's no fun.

Tell me about it, I only killed that girl tonight

so I wouldn't have to talk my way out of a blowjob.

What?

Well, she was sitting there

and she took her shirt off and she wanted to blow me.

You're a creep!

Creep, whatta you talkin' about?

So how are her tits?

I don't know.

Right, you didn't look?

Well, of course I looked, I'm a man...

You're an asshole!

You don't love me.

Of course, I love you, what,

what do you think I'm trying to say?

What, that looking at, at some other girl's tits

made you think of me?

You're a big ninny!

No, you're the ninny, asshole!

So how was her blowjob?

I didn't get a blowjob.

Mm.

Look, all I did was kill her and she died.

I didn't enjoy it.

Yeah.

No, really, I mean, usually I, I, I love the feeling

of taking a knife in my hand

and running it across her neck and slicing her neck open

and the blood just comes out and she dies,

but tonight, nothing, I didn't,

I don't know, it just wasn't right.

What are we doing?

What do you mean?

Well, we kill people because it was fun,

but, like, it's not fun anymore.

Then, why are we still doing it?

Exactly.

You know, that's what I've been thinkin'.

The happiest is being with you.

And I, you.

So what does this mean exactly?

Well, it could mean that, as of right now,

we're ex-psycho killers.

Do you think we could do it?

Aw, sure, I think so.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Hmm.

What can we do for kicks now?

Well, I can think of about 35 things,

36 if you wanna count missionary.

Besides those.

What would be number 37?

We can always get a VCR.

A vicker?

If you spell it that way, yeah.

Yeah, we could watch all the Friday the 13 movies!

I love Jason!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

'Cause, yeah, I like him myself.

You know, I, I, I cried at the end of Part IV when he dies.

Did you, ah, I was depressed for weeks.

Oh, God, it was so terrible. This is, this is,

This is a great idea, you know,

because we can actually get off

on watching other people kill.

- It's a lot less messy, too. - Wow!

Yeah, but messy things can be fun.

What do you mean?

Let me show you.

OK, that's Friday the 13th,

Friday the 13th Part II,

Friday the 13th Part III,

Friday the 13th Part IV,

and Friday the 13th Part V.

That's Halloween I,

Halloween II, and Halloween III.

That's Death Wish I and Death Wish II.

That's Dawn of the Dead.

That's Night of the Living Dead.

Don't forget Day of the Dead.

Yeah, I was just getting to that.

Day of the Day, I mean Day of the Dead.

That's Psycho I and Psycho II.

Wow!

Right, that's Deadly Eyes,

Deadly Strangers, and Deadly Blessings.

That's I Eat Your Skin, that's I Spit on Your Grave.

The Debbi Reynolds Workout Tape,

that's the House of Seven Corpses,

The House That Jack Built, and The House on Sorority Row.

I have gotta find another job!

Can I have one of these?

Please?

Wow, look!

If you hold this up to the light,

you can see little pictures!

Just like film?

Just like film!

Aw, neat!

There's Charles Bronson!

Wow!

Joe?

What?

I'm so happy!

- Yeah, I think, - Great!

I think we made the right choice!

Yeah, I think so.

You know, whoever thought a VCR could be more fun

than, than poking someone in the eye with cuticle scissors!

Or, or, or slitting their throat with a, a carving knife!

Yeah, exactly.

Oh, look, Sissy Spacek!

Ah!

Phew, I'll tell ya, leave it to the Japanese.

Ya gotta hand it to 'em.

Wow.

Let me see.

Wow!

It's all like that, whoops!

Whoops, uh-oh!

Everything was wonderful, don't you agree?

Yep.

Sure, but you can always send her flowers.

Oh, she's allergic to flowers.

How about a nice box of candy?

Too bad, eyes can be deceiving.

One, what's the problem.

Why don't you send her some flowers?

Well, then, send her a box of candy!

One.

What's the matter?

Have you tried a bouquet of flowers?

How 'bout a box of candy?

Well, did you ever think about

maybe buying her some investment property?

Yeah, it'll give her a break on her taxes,

and a nice bump on the arm.

Sure, but I think a six-unit would be big enough.

I got a shopping plaza I wanna unload.

Wouldn't you just kill for subtitles?

I hired a new dancer, business was, well as good as usual.

I haven't always been a dancer, you know.

I was once very unhappy, my karma was all screwed up.

I had given serious thought to killing myself.

I mean, life was so fucking boring,

nothing, nothing ever happened to me,

and it got the point where I wanted to end it all

or have somebody end it for me.

I used to walk in the woods at night

waiting to be attacked but nothing, I mean, I was in a rut!

Have you ever done yoga?

I'm a Catholic.

I do it every morning, you should do it,

you'd feel better!

Actually, it was the yoga and this job that saved me!

Actually, this job is one of the best things

that ever happened to me.

Joe, the owner, he is such a sweetie!

We went out once, it didn't work out,

but he still gave me this job.

You know, he is not the type of guy

that treats a girl like a piece of meat

just to cut up and throw away.

Life couldn't have been better!

Except for this problem

we kept having with our kitchen sink.

When's the plumber coming?

When is the plumber coming?

Didn't you call one?

Didn't you call one?

I thought you said you were!

I thought you said you were!

Really?

Really!

Hello, is anybody there!

Woo woo woo woo!

Woo woo woo woo!

Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat!

What the fuck!

Toy boat, toy boat, toy boat!

What are you doing?

Say it! Toy boat, you need, say it!

Toy boat, toy boat!

Thank you, thank you, say you need to be heard.

Say it. No!

- Come on, say it! - No!

Say it, say it!

I'm goin' home.

Bye. Say it!

- No, unique, yee yee! - Say it!

Nevermind.

Hello, yes, I'm having problems

with the drain in my kitchen sink.

Mm-hmm, it's, um, it's clogged,

I need someone to come over and unclog it.

Yeah, could you send someone over?

Well, whatta you mean, you don't make house calls?

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!

Yeah, well, well you, too!

He wanted me to bring in

at three o'clock on Thursday!

What about, what about this guy?

It says here he makes house calls.

Oh, Bill Whitehead at Acne.

Yeah, lemme give him a call.

Must be a big business.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right, this is the end of the scene.

Kate?

Kate?

Kate?

Kate?

Kate!

Kate?

Kate!

Don't do that, what are you tryin' to do,

give me a heart attack, I oughta strangle you!

I thought you gave that up!

Gave it up, sure, I come home

and the door's unlocked.

The door's un-, there's crazy people out there,

you know what I'm saying?

Didn't your mother ever tell you when you were a kid

to lock the door, just lock it so people...

Will you calm down?

I was just getting this from the garage.

Well, what happened to the plumber?

He died.

He dah, wha-what?

He died!

He didn't show up, so I called the service,

and they told me he died, OK?

So he, he's not coming?

Of course, he's not coming!

What are you, stupid?

What are you, brain dead?

- Just leave me alone, OK? - Leave you!

Just, thank you.

Good luck.

Yeah.

Such an asshole!

Great, now I'm a criminal!

Let's get another plumber.

I got him right here.

Oh boy!

More, more, more!

Have you found the problem yet?

Yes, I think I have.

Oh.

- Hi, is the drain all fixed? - Hi.

Not exactly.

What do you mean, not exactly...

Oh.

Is that all you have to say, oh?

I guess we have to come out of retirement.

What does that mean?

We're gonna have to kill you.

Hold on just a minute!

This isn't gonna hurt at all.

Joe?

What?

Oh!

Is that all you have to say, oh?

Do you repeat yourself a lot?

Not usually.

Oh.

Um, are you gonnna shoot us?

Not necessarily.

Meaning?

Will you let me finish?

Go ahead.

I want the bodies!

I beg your pardon?

Don't play innocent with me.

All right, let me rephrase that.

Don't bother, look, I want the bodies

that the parts like those came from.

If you don't mind me asking, what for?

To eat.

Gross!

Oh, well, I suppose chopping 'em up into little bits

and throwing them down the drain isn't?

Well, no, not really.

At least we don't eat them.

I was planning on eating both of you.

Doesn't anybody fuck anymore?

Yeah, but I'm not gonna eat you.

Instead, I-I can use you.

In what way, she asks knowingly.

I want the bodies of all your future victims,

nice and fresh.

Oh, really?

Business has been a little down lately.

I usually eat my customers, but hey, you know.

Well, you probably don't get very good word-of-mouth then.

No, it's a problem, but now I've found you.

I didn't know we were lost.

Uh, so, what if we say no to your proposal?

I'll tell the police.

Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

You're gonna tell the police that, uh,

we wouldn't give you the bodies of our victims?

Well, yeah, that and the fact

that you tell really bad jokes.

Joe, we can get in a lot of trouble for telling bad jokes.

We can!

What, what if, what if, uh, what if the police ask you

what you're gonna do with the bodies, Herm?

I'll tell 'em I was gonna eat them!

Oh, that makes a lotta sense.

Perfect sense.

So, great, is it a deal?

We've retired.

What?

We don't slash anymore.

It just isn't fun.

Come on, don't you miss it just a little?

The feeling of the knife

as it pounds into the flesh, the smell of blood?

The struggle?

Rigor mortis?

No.

Then I'm just gonna have to shoot you.

And then eat us?

Yeah, I was planning on broiling you up

and garnishing you with this special grape sauce I make.

Grape sauce, grape sauce?

Somethin' wrong with grape sauce?

Grape sauce?

You've got a lot of nerve!

Could you fill me in on the problem here?

We hate grapes!

We loathe grapes!

All kinds of grapes!

We hate purple grapes, we hate green grapes!

We hate grapes with seeds, we hate grapes without seeds!

We hate them peeled and not peeled!

We hate them in bunches, one at a time,

or in small groups of twos and threes!

We fucking hate grapes!

Oh.

You know, you guys are really sick!

We, we're sick?

We're sick, here's a man, standing here before me,

who likes grapes calling us sick!

Oh, God, there is no justice.

None at all.

Look, I'm just gonna shoot you

and put an end to all this, OK?

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

Suppose, just suppose, that we said yes to your proposal.

That'd be wonderful, are you serious?

No.

Oh.

Time for a strange interlude.

Ah, grapes, I hate them,

yet I have this recurring dream that I'm held down

and force fed kosher grapes by Adolf Hitler.

Or is it Adolf Smucker, do you know?

But what of it, I shot her a glance.

I see numbers, strange numbers.

Many numbers, for a good time, call 555-3017,

and, uh, who was it that said,

"A horse, my kingdom for a horse?"

and, uh, wasn't he arrested for diddling Mrs. Brown's, uh,

pet, uh, sheep, Carl?

I wanna run naked through fields of mayonnaise

and feel the wind blowing through my empty eye sockets.

I wanna climb every mountain

and twirl around like Julie Andrews.

Ah, the smell of it!

Hey, what's that?

It's dark in here!

Stop it!

Joe, Joe, are you OK?

Joe, Joe!

Joe!

Kate!

Are you OK?

Yeah, I think so.

Eww, what's up with this tube that's running up my shirt?

It's makin' a mess!

Hey, could you guys stop that!

Come on, could you cut it out?

What?

Could you guys stop, please?

Please?

Come on, I can't stop now!

No, no, it's OK, you can stop.

I don't know.

No, please, please, please!

It's OK.

I guess so.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

No problem.

Oh, God.

Aw, what a mess!

Sure, laugh!

What's for dinner?

Do you wanna eat here or do you wanna go out?

Let's go out.

Good evening, Madame, Monsieur.

I am Jacques, your waitair,

and may I interest you in an appetizair?

What?

Appetizair.

Appetizair, appetizer!

Oui, oui.

Well, what do you recommend?

I suggest, eh, chizbird for two.

Chizbird.

Oui.

What, what, what is that?

That a pound of chiz on a bird.

Oh, a bird, um, what kind of bird?

Not bird, birb, like bood!

Um, I'm really confused and perplexed

about this whole matter, can you...

It's a board, it is a piece of wood with chiz on it.

A bird with chiz on it!

Cheese board?

Cheese board, is it a cheese board?

That is what I say!

Wow, this must be a real French restraint!

Of course, it is, why do you think

I talk with this ridiculous accent?

Why don't we skip the appetizer?

OK, sure, yeah, yeah.

Well, then you know what you want?

No.

Well, would you like to make me a suggest-ione?

Oh, yes, I recommend to you two lovers

our beautiful broiled chicken dish.

It is nice, smothered in a beautiful grape sauce.

That I understood perfectly.

Grapes, grapes, I hate grapes!

I can't stand grapes!

Yes, Joe, so do I, but we could've had something else.

The poor waiter was French, he didn't know!

Well, he should've, I mean,

do I look like the kind of a person that would eat a grape?

No, of course not!

I loathe grapes, all kinds of grapes!

I hate purple grapes...

Don't forget the green ones!

Well, they're next, I hate green grapes!

So do I, but I'm hungry!

Well, I'm not finished!

I hate grapes with seeds, I hate grapes without seeds!

How does a nice steak sound?

I hate them peeled, I hate them non-peeled!

Maybe some fried chicken?

I hate them in bunches, one at a time,

or in groups of twos and threes!

I fucking hate grapes!

Finished?

Yeah.

Now, where do you wanna eat?

I don't know, where do you wanna eat?

What do you mean,

you don't know where you wanna eat?

Well, I'm asking you, where do you wanna eat?

How 'bout pasta.

I hate pasta!

I can't stand pasta! OK, fine, you hate pasta!

We won't have pasta.

Good, 'cause I don't like it.

What about some chicken.

Nah, I'm not in the mood for chicken.

You, me, neither.

What about Chinese food?

We just had Chinese food a couple of scenes back.

A couple, it was scene 20, it's scene 62!

So it's 42 scenes back.

Well, it's not a couple of scenes.

I don't want Chinese food.

Fine, we won't have Chinese food.

Good, 'cause I don't want it.

What do you want?

Well, you know, we could, uh, we could always pour, like,

a nice bowl of ice-cold Raisin Bran,

that would be, like, like really boss.

Raisin Bran?

Yeah, Raisin Bran, maybe with a banana.

Raisin Bran?

Yeah, Raisin Bran!

Joe, raisins are dried grapes.

Get outta here, how can raisins be dried grapes?

If raisins are dried grapes,

they wouldn't call it Raisin Bran.

They would call it Dried Grape Bran.

You killed that girl in scene six for nothing!

I didn't kill her for nothing!

Yes, you did, you killed her

because she liked grapes, and you like grapes!

Eh, but it's not grapes I like, it's raisins!

I, I love,

next thing, you're gonna try and tell me

is that prunes are dried out plums.

But they are!

They are!

Look, look, I don't wanna argue.

It's hot, and I'm really, really hungry.

I would love to sit in an air-conditioned restaurant...

Wait a minute, what, what...

Just relax.

What are you sayin' to me?

What are you, what are you tellin' me?

You spent, like, half this movie killing guys

because they talked about the weather,

and here you are, talking to me about the weather!

Well, the guys...

What is it, what is it?

It wasn't that they just talked about the weather.

They were real jerks, I mean, come on, you saw the movie!

I hear ya, babe,

I know where you're comin' from.

I mean, look at that girl in scene 32.

I mean, we're talking howl at the moon...

Gross, oh my God,

at least you didn't have to kiss her.

No, I didn't have to,

I don't, I don't remember you kissing any other guys.

Don't make up a scene.

Cut this, hey, hey, is this enough?

I mean is that OK?

♪ Burgers and rat doo doo

♪ Give it to me now so nice and fresh

♪ At the snack bar

♪ Head up to the snack bar

♪ 'Cause I got vomit, we're puking on it

♪ Burgers and rat doo doo

♪ Give it to me now so I can throw up

♪ At the snack bar

♪ Where you can get to me

♪ You probably gonna have to throw up and puke