Original subtitles

Previously on Doom Patrol...

You've slipped through my fingers for the last time.

It's the Chief!

It's all going to be fine. Chief disappears all the time.

Into a fucking hole? In the fucking ground?

Take away the ratty beard and the baggy jumpsuit,

and I swear he looks just like Flex Mentallo

from the funny book Danny gave us.

Flex is the key to finding the Chief.

Dolores? It's me. It's Flex.

- Flex? Oh, God. - It's me, baby.

- Dolly, stay with me. - Flex...

Stay with me.

We need you to turn Grid back on.

If we can find the Beard Hunter, we can find the Chief.

If I do this, you guys are gonna have to save Niles without me.

Do it.

I know how to find Niles. Care to join me?

For Niles.

Finally, after 13 meandering episodes

of character driven schlock, we can finally

get to the show that everyone wanted to see in the first place.

A superhero show!

So?

- How'd your presentation go? - Eh...

Did the Brotherhood like it?

Not quite. Uh...

Um...

They let me go.

They fired you?

How does the Brotherhood of Evil fire someone?

And after all you've done for them?

All your plans...

the electro ray, the weather control thingy...

the giant robot?

You told me he was going to bring the city to its knees.

Did you tell them that?

I explained it to them in detail. The Brain just didn't think...

He just didn't think I had enough...

- zip. - So that's it?

He canned you.

He replaced me with some gorilla.

They decided to bring in some muscle?

No. An actual gorilla.

He's quite smart, allegedly. Speaks French.

- You have to go back. - How's that?

You're going to march into their hideout and you're going to talk to the Brain.

Make him see the light.

No, honey. I can't... I can't do that.

I got off easy. This is the Brotherhood of Evil we're talking about.

Usually when they let someone go, they let them go.

The only reason I'm alive right now

is because they don't consider me a threat physically or...

intellectually. Their words.

I can't do this anymore.

Oh, no, Millie. Please. Look, this is just a minor setback.

I am gonna be back on top in no time.

That's just it.

You've never been on top.

You have all these big ideas.

But I am the only one who buys into them.

I follow you around like a puppy.

- I'm a real dunce. - No, Millie.

Millie. No.

Please.

I am going to be somebody.

But you're not. You're just a nobody.

And that's what you'll always be.

I'm sorry, Eric.

What the hell was Mr. Nobody thinking?

Why bring the Chief all the way to East Bumfuck?

- I don't know. - Yeah. Fucking Cub Scout jamboree?

Let's forget Mr. Nobody for a moment, shall we?

We aren't following him. We are after the Beard Hunter.

According to Vic's Grid thingamajiggy,

the Beard Hunter has been in this spot for over a week.

He's stopped searching.

If we're looking for the Chief,

shouldn't we be trying to figure out Captain Banana-hammock back there?

I don't know how much use he's gonna be right now.

It's strange, isn't it?

Getting fresh air after all that time cooped up in the Ant Farm.

I am so sorry about Dolores.

If we'd known what would have happened, we wouldn't have brought her to you.

- It's my fault. - Flex. That's not true.

That contraption in her,

it went off the moment we recognized each other.

I should have known they'd be one step ahead of me.

- I killed Dolores. - No, you didn't.

The Bureau of Normalcy did. You need to remember that.

And after we get the Chief back,

we'll make them answer for it.

We'll make them answer for everything.

Wait. We got something up here.

What's a street doing in the middle of nowhere?

I'm sure they have a logical explanation.

- They? - Danny. Did I never mention the sentient,

teleporting, gender queer street Vic and I hung out on

while Jane lost her shit and tried to get married?

- Vic mentioned it. - You really keep to yourself too much, man.

Well, that's Danny, and you're going to love them.

The fuck?

- Quaint. Perfectly lovely. - What do we do now?

Just say "Hello, Street" like a pack of assholes?

Oh, someone's popular here.

Gang, meet Danny. Danny, this is Rita, Jane and Cliff.

- Danny? - You two know each other?

She's gone, Danny.

Dolores is gone.

I'm so sorry.

This moment is beautiful and necessary, and I hate to interrupt.

But we're looking for a lunatic who eats beard hair...

- Looking beautiful today, sunshine. - See ya.

Unbelievable.

Ernest. Ernest!

You! Pube Stalker!

It's Beard Hunter. And I don't do that anymore.

I don't do that anymore.

What are you fuckwads looking at?

Where is Niles Caulder?

Uh...

- Mmm... - You ate his beard, didn't you?

It led you here, didn't it?

And your boy wasn't here.

But Danny was.

They got me off the beard hair and gave me a chance to start anew.

Baloney. Hammerhead, do something awful.

Give me answers or I'll give you bananas

up your ass one at a time.

Peels on.

Wait. You've known this whole time?

Why didn't you tell me the last time I was here?

Danny, look at us. We've searched through two continents

and up a donkey's mustn't-touch-it.

We are hanging on by a thread.

If you can't help us, I'm afraid the Chief will be lost forever.

And so will we.

- "White Space"? - I know what the White Space is.

And I know how to get there.

Bad dreams, huh?

Dad.

Dad...

I can understand that.

I just had a doozy of a nightmare.

The White Space is the area where there is no story.

The White Space exists where content doesn't.

It's the space on this page between the panels.

The White Space. That's beautiful, heady, poetic.

Now how in the name of fuck do we get in there?

Well, I have a flex for that.

- You need baby oil or anything? - Wait.

It can't be that easy.

Mr. Mentallo here strikes a pose, and then what happens?

Well, then I open up a pathway from this dimension to the White Space.

Yeah. What Rita's trying to say is that we need a strategy.

We have no idea what's waiting for us in the White Space.

We've dealt with Mr. Nobody before. First, he'll separate us.

And then he'll use our past to torture us.

Well, we'll just have to stop him from doing that.

We haven't stopped a goddamn thing since this started.

- We destroyed the town. - It got put back together.

Then there was the Decreator, he ran all over us.

So we summon the Re-Creator.

We nearly ruined the lives of a group of senior citizens.

They were fucked when we found them.

Jesus. Knock it off!

Yeah. Our win-loss record is shit.

We're not making the playoffs.

Who gives a shit? We're past that.

We've fought and clawed our way through a ton of fuck ups, and now we're here.

Knocking on the door to save Niles.

We have to go in. And we're going in together.

- Let's do this. - All right.

Everybody, focus.

I need you to focus on the white space.

Anybody? Anything?

I feel something.

Me too.

Yeah.

Is there something that I should be feeling right now?

It's like... Wait. Oh, ooh! Whoa!

Oh, my...

Oh!

What the fuck is going on?

We're all reaching...

We're fucking coming, man!

Shit.

I think I flexed the wrong muscle.

No shit, dummy!

Oh, yeah!

Oh! Ahhh!

I'll fucking kill you!

Oh, fuck!

Uh... I am so, so, so, so sorry.

I was shooting for the splenius capitis.

And I accidentally flexed my splenius cervicis.

- They're right next to each... - Just give us a moment!

- Please. - Take as much time as you need.

I... I'm stupid. I...

Is that better? Are you more comfortable?

Yeah.

You reinstalled Grid. Good.

Oh. Yeah, I, uh...

I should never have taken it out.

I'm sorry, Dad.

I screwed up again.

- It's all right, Victor. - No.

It's really not.

You were right.

I wasn't ready.

I just jumped into this whole search for Niles

without any idea what I... what I was dealing with.

That's how Mr. Nobody got into my head.

He just used everything that was swirling in my mind,

and my mistrust, and he twisted it.

Your mistrust of me?

I don't know what I was thinking.

- I almost killed you. - No.

I know what you were thinking.

And you were right not to trust me.

Not all of your memories are real, Vic.

Thanks for giving me another shot at this, guys.

Whoo.

Hold up. Why were you even screaming?

- Huh? - You can't feel anything.

Um, 'cause...

- Did you fake an orgasm? - What? No!

I have too much respect for everyone here.

How could you even...

'Cause I didn't wanna feel left out, okay?

Aw.

Don't pity me.

- Flex, do your thing. - Okay.

Everybody, focus.

- You focus. - Right. Yes.

I'll focus.

- Anything? - Jesus fucking Christ.

I'm starting to feel like this entire thing is a waste of time.

Stop it. Paul. That's enough. Now eat.

Holy shit.

Larry. Language.

Holy shit.

Ready for you on the docks in ten, Ms. Farr.

The boat scene is all set up.

Jane, no one wants to hurt you, but you have to go to therapy.

Holy shit.

- Holy... - Shit.

We get it, Cliff.

Despite your best efforts, you all waltzed

straight into the very trap you hoped to avoid.

What day is it?

Only the biggest day of your life.

That's right.

This was the day of Larry's big flight.

The day his body would become a charred Airbnb

for the being from Planet Dickhead.

Rita was about to stumble into the drink,

and become forever locked in her own Battle of the Bulge.

Our girl Jane was due to get a spike in the neck

that would make all of the monsters inside her

that much more destructive.

And Cliffy was about to turn his T-top and his wife into a convertible.

Pretty rough deals all around.

- Fuck off! - You're the ones that barged into my home.

I should be telling you to fuck off,

but instead I'm going to offer you the greatest deal of your pitiful lives.

What if you could have your old lives back,

minus the horrific tragedies that destroyed you?

I've had enough of your bullshit.

I'm not kidding, Cliff. No one has to die.

Just think about it.

You can have it all back. All of the glory and glamour.

Your life could be whatever you want, however you want.

Wouldn't it be nice, Jane, if you could mitigate

even some of the damage those nightmares inside of you have caused?

I can make all of that go away.

- What do we have to do? - That's the easy part.

You just have to stay nice and cozy right where you are.

And stop looking for Niles Caulder.

And why the fuck should we believe anything you say?

Because you know this is real.

You know I do almost anything I set my mind to.

You know I've done it before.

What happens to the Chief?

That's the beautiful part.

You don't worry about him because if you stay here in this memory,

you won't ever meet Niles Caulder.

He will cease to exist in your world

and fade from your memories.

Stop narrating me, you shithead.

Who you calling shithead, shithead?

Want one?

Okay, now you're tempted.

Yeah, I do. I want one.

We aren't the same team you dealt with back in the donkey, you know.

We're stronger now.

We've all been working very hard on ourselves.

Work? You've sat around in a circle

and whined like a C-team Breakfast Club.

Cliff stole a watch from an alligator.

Mr. Electricity here finally came out of the closet

at the tender age of 95.

Jane crawled as deep into herself as she could

and almost committed mind suicide or some shit.

You call that work? Please.

- Rita? - Come in.

We're all set. And I've got some good news for you.

- You do? - We fired Henry.

The focus puller?

The one distracting you with the, uh...

- you know? - Oh.

What is it now, Rita?

- Want some help? - Sure.

- Since when do you wash dishes? - Since...

- I don't know. - You're going to be late.

You smell so good.

- Am I a good person? - How so?

As in not a bad person.

Sheryl, what are you going to do after this flight?

I'm talking about us. Everything we talked about. All my...

broken promises.

What's going to happen with us?

This doesn't feel right.

- Rita, you're fantastic. - I am?

Sure you are.

Millions of people across the globe adore you.

What do you want?

You should go.

We'll be watching.

Now, let's get out there, hmm?

And remind them why.

I come back to a memory

where I have it all again.

And then I got my family...

I start fucking the nanny again.

Don't be an asshole.

She's right. I should go.

Just like that?

All right, then.

- Last looks. - Yes, take a long last look.

Because if you leave this tent,

you're going to turn into a monster.

I'd become a monster long before my accident. I see that now.

I ruined this life once, I'm just ruining it again.

I'm still a piece of garbage.

The way I was back here was so selfish, dishonest.

I ruined this family years before today.

I may still have a long way to go,

but I know I've become a better person since all this.

And my stay with Niles has been a big part of that.

I have to work on my new life.

Sheryl and the boys deserve better than anything I could have given them.

We got to find Niles.

Cliff, I know I've been a shit this season.

But I'm telling you the truth.

This is all real and you can save your family.

You don't want to do this. Just stay.

Nah. I call bullshit.

What about John then?

Hmm? You can finally be with him.

John's lived his life.

I should too.

What on Earth are you doing?

Oh, fuck you.

You have the power to build the city of the future!

At least one of you has some brains.

From now on, I'm calling you "Sensible Jane."

Can you believe the others? The gall?

At least you know I'm not the bad guy here.

You know I'm trying to help.

Hammerhead, what are you doing?

Getting us out of here.

You think you're helping me and the others?

Well, fuck that!

This was the greatest day of our life.

This was the day we got some bite to our bark.

No, no.

Stop. Stop.

It's safer here.

Safe? Safer my ass.

The shit we went through?

It's safer for others.

We can't be around regular people.

We hurt them. Okay?

I don't give a fuck

about regular people.

We're supposed to protect the girl.

Well, shit.

All I remember from the accident

is waking up on the lawn.

- Mom was next to me, but she was... - No.

She was still alive.

What?

Each of you were barely hanging in there.

We rushed you to the S.T.A.R.'s experimental surgical center.

Both of us?

It quickly became apparent

I would only be able to save one of you.

Then why?

Why did you save me?

It was Niles.

He argued that you were the better physical candidate

to accept the biotechnology.

But I still wouldn't listen.

Then he made me realize one simple fact.

Saving you...

would be the only choice your mother would make.

The only choice she would let me make.

So I let her go.

No...

But I remember...

she was on the lawn

in front of the house.

- That was... - That was a story you were told.

A simple lie,

told over and over again while you recovered.

Every day...

until you believed it.

So, you didn't corrupt my programming.

Uh-uh.

You messed with my actual memories.

I don't expect you to forgive me.

But I can hope that you know how sorry...

Do you know how hard it was

carrying this for years?

Why didn't you tell me?

- Why did you do this to me? - I was afraid.

I was certain it would destroy our family

if you knew I had to make the choice to let your mother pass.

I was afraid

of having you hate me.

So you let me shoulder the blame instead.

I didn't realize...

how destructive

my dishonesty was until it was too late.

The story was too powerful.

It made you Cyborg as much as the surgery.

Mmm.

Where are you going?

I got some people I can actually trust.

Friends.

And they need my help.

Look at these nimrods.

I handed them the happy ending

they wasted decades pining for.

And what did they do? They shit all over it.

Now they were lost and alone

with nothing but my narration to keep them company.

Most likely, forever.

But deep down, Rita knew everything was going to be fine.

Totally fine.

So forward she marched.

Um, what are you doing?

I'm sick of having someone else tell my story.

Badly, I might add.

Therefore, I shall be narrating my own tale from now on.

So she marched forward.

- But you can't just narrate... - Ever forward.

- Stop it! - Ever onward.

- It doesn't work like that! - Eventually,

in a stunning twist,

Rita and her friends found one another.

Cliff!

Rita!

Thought I heard you.

Hey, Rita.

Were you just in my head?

I've decided to try my hand at narrating.

If you want the plum roles, sometimes you have to write them yourself.

Wait. Where's Jane?

You all know she moves at her own pace.

- Chief! - Let's grab him and bolt.

You shouldn't have come here.

Did you really think it would be that easy?

If you want Niles, you have to go through me.

Shouldn't be a problem.

Real you looks like a fucking dweeb to me.

Oh.

Right.

I suppose this is hardly appropriate

for the big, boring punch 'em up climax.

Is this better?

Now,

who wants to get ripped apart first?

And why do you want to fight?

Dr. Harrison?

We're getting ready for the big superhero fight.

This is who you turn into?

What are you overcompensating for?

- I'm not overcompensating. - Please.

This form.

This phony darkness. This childish display of sinister power.

That's ridiculous.

A, I am sinister and dark.

B, I'm powerful enough

to control this entire streaming service if I wanted to.

What the fuck is going on?

We are witnessing someone with a classic delusional personality.

Most likely caused by a lifelong sense of inferiority.

- Oh, bullshit. - Is it?

You claim you can control this television program,

yet, Rita here was easily able to wrest control by

providing her own narration.

She got lucky.

Or maybe the source of your problem is a woman.

That is not...

You're just a nobody. And that's what you'll always be.

Millie.

How are you doing this?

You're doing all this because you were dumped?

I get it. Standard stuff.

- Basic. - I am not basic.

You don't want to be.

You want to be original.

Despite all the sarcastic comments and judgments...

- He's sad. - He's like us.

How dare you?

- You were twisted before you were twisted. - Maybe.

Except now, I have power. And it's time to die.

I don't want to fight.

- What? - I don't know.

- I feel kind of bad now that I know you. - Me too.

- Yeah. - Let us help you.

- Let Niles into your heart. - No!

This is not right.

You are not going to pity me any longer. Fight or don't.

But I'm going to...

Fuck.

Booyah.

What? The guy said not to pity him.

Is that it?

I believe it might be.

What do you say, Chief?

You ready to go home?

You might wanna brace yourself. We kind of trashed the place.

- We fought a whole cult in there. - And each other.

I had a rat in me.

It's a story for another time.

It was quite the wild ride, Chief, finding you.

I think you all found much more than me.

Oh, where are they all?

Where are you all?

Sorry, sorry, I was putting on my face.

You think I wake up looking this pretty?

Morning briefing begins promptly at 7.00 a.m.

If we want to be a team, we have to make the effort.

Absolutely. That's why I was down here at ten to waiting on all of you.

Thank you, Rita.

Setting the example as always.

Hey, do you use your powers to stick your nose all the way up the Chief's ass or...

- Boom. - Sorry, everyone. I was on my run.

Hey, way to keep it tight, Hawkman.

Might we start our briefing, please?

Briefing? Please. Let's call it what it is. Breakfast.

Chocolate chip pancakes?

You ate all the chocolate chips yesterday.

Damn.

Well, let's get to the task at hand.

The Brotherhood of Evil is on the move again.

Last seen in Brussels.

Looks like the task at hand has changed. Come on.

Such a shame to leave all this food to spoil.

You just look after your own bacon.

Hmm.

What do you think it is?

Maybe it's that.

Chief, are you seeing this?

How could I miss it?

How do we start it and how do we finish it?

Same as always. Try talking to it.

I got this. I speak robot.

Hey, big fella. You friend or foe?

Oh. He's foe as fuck.

Looks like it's going to be the hard way.

As long as the regular people are out of danger.

Fuck the regular people.

No!

Oh, where are they all?

Where are you all?

Sorry, sorry, I was putting on my face.

You think I wake up looking this pretty?

Morning briefing begins promptly at 7.00 a.m.

If we want to be a team, we have to make the effort.

Absolutely. That's why I was down here at ten to waiting on all of you.

Thank you, Rita.

Sorry, everyone. I was on my run.

Hey, way to keep it tight, Hawkman.

Might we start our briefing, please?

Briefing? Please. Let's call it what it is. Breakfast.

Chocolate chip pancakes?

You ate all the chocolate chips yesterday.

Damn.

Looks like the task at hand has changed. Come on.

Such a shame to leave all this food to spoil.

You just look after your own bacon.

Hmm.

- Are you seeing this, Chief? - How could I miss it?

Hey, big fella. You friend or foe?

Oh. He's foe as fuck.

Looks like it's going to be the hard way.

As long as the regular people are out of danger.

Fuck the regular people.

N...

Looks like the task

at hand has changed. Come on.

Such a shame to see all this food spoil.

Just...

Uh...

Be careful, please.

How do we start it and how do we finish it?

Same as always. Try...

Run. Run like hell!

Looks like the task at hand has changed. Come on.

What do you think it is?

Maybe it's that.

Hey, big fella. You friend or foe?

No!

Chocolate chip pancakes?

- Are you seeing this, Chief? - Try talking to it.

No, no!

You think I wake up looking this pretty?

- Foe as fuck. - Run like hell!

No! No!

You just mind your own bacon.

...all the way up the Chief's ass?

Looks like it's going to be the hard way.

No! No!

Chocolate chip pancakes?

Looks like the task at hand has changed.

Run!

Run like hell!

Stop!

Not another step.

What's the matter with you?

You can't go. It's a trap.

He's doing this. He's got us.

You mind filling us in on what the hell you're talking about?

Mr. Nobody.

He's torturing us.

Killing you...

But me, he's making me watch you die

again and again and again.

- That's impossible. - Yeah, we beat him a year ago.

No. You can't.

I should have known.

What the hell is going on here?

And who the hell are you supposed to be?

I was wondering if you'd show up.

One of you better start explaining some shit quick.

The genius finally figured it out.

The Vic that shot Mr. Nobody...

was me.

That was me all along.

Whew. That was getting tedious.

No way.

How the hell did we get back here?

Or maybe you never left.

Good God.

If stupidity were a superpower, you would be goddamn Superman.

Can someone tell me what the hell is going on here?

And why are we not beating this guy's ass?

Oh, they already tried that.

It's far too convoluted to go into right now.

You can look out for it during

the "previously on" part of the next episode.

The moral is basically there is no beating me.

Not now. Not ever.

But you can be free of me.

That's not so bad, right?

But how would you do that?

What is it that sets us free?

You know the answer, Niles.

I could go back to destroying them again.

I mean, they're basically dead anyway.

And I'm happy to work Cyborg into the mix.

The truth.

The truth shall set you free.

There it is!

That's what all this has been about?

All the anguish, the agony?

Um... duh.

Yes.

But look what else has happened.

Check out your little ragtag crew.

I mean, they couldn't even leave the house without screwing up.

And now they've made it all the way here.

And you are the only thing that can save them.

It's kind of beautiful, no?

Go on, Niles.

Tell them the truth.

I can't.

Yes, you can. You can tell us anything.

It's all right, Niles.

If there is one thing we've all learned from this nightmare,

it's that there's no need for secrets between us.

It's okay. You can do this, Chief.

The tragedies that befell you, they weren't accidents.

I was responsible for everything

that has happened to each of you.