All language subtitles for Modern Family s10e21_English

[ Goat bleats ]Auctioneer: ...72, 72, $72!

$72, 72 bid, 72 bid,

75, 75, 75!Oh, boy.

Is it already the first day of
livestock auction season again?

It's the same day
every year, Mitchell --

a fortnight after
the first ripe tomato comes in.

And seriously? Thisis
what passes for auction-
calling these days?

Is it possible
you're being a tad harsh?

You know, when you've beenat the top of your field --

Greater Bug CountyAuction-Calling Champ

three years running --

it's hard to see anythingbut the inadequacies.

It's why Baryshnikovcouldn't watch others dance.

What? He was
the Artistic Director of --

How long have you
lived in this house?!

It's gonna wind up being
some pig named Baryshnikov

or some damn thing.

So, how wasyour trumpet lesson?

It was amazing. Yeah.

Oh, these sessions just have
really changed my life.

Technically, uh, not a lie.

Uh, I started taking
trumpet lessons two years ago.

But then I noticed
the place next door

was offering massages
for the same price, so...

you know.

And I felt bad relaxing
while Cam was...

solo-parenting Lily.

But -- Butwe were
both spending time

with an Asian woman
who walked all over us.

You always
smell like lavender

when you come back
from that place.

Uh, yeah, it's the --
it's the valve oil

for the, um --
you know,

the t--the tooting buttons.Oh.

We should probably, uh,hit the road soon.

High school graduation'sin an hour.
[ Groans ]

It's so humiliating

being the Vice Principal
at these things.

It's just
a ceremonial position

where you have to
sit behind Principal Brown,

politely clapping

while hegets to set
the course of history.

Well, it could be funwith my dad giving

the commencement address,though.

I got a peek
at his note cards,

and I don't wantto give anything away,

but the young kid
who boarded the bus

with the hair
full of Brylcreem

and a cardboard suitcasefull of dreams --

it was him.

[ Cellphone ringing ]

Oh, I have to take this.
It's Superintendent Pierce.

[ Cellphone beeps ]

Hello, good sir.To what do I owe this honor?

Oh, no.

That's horrible.

Principal Brown
got into a car accident!

W-Which means, as next
in the line of succession,

I get to preside over
today's graduation.

You know, this is why
senior administration officials

never travel together.

[ Humming ]

Your glee at another man'smisfortune should trouble me,

but there's also somethingsort of sexy about it.

Well,
power is an aphrodisiac.
Oh.

Maybe lateryou could be the principal

and I could be the studentwho's a few credits short.

Hmm.
A bad, bad boy

who needs to be taughtright from wrong.

'Cause I grew up
in a broken home,

where social workersand constant fights about money

were just --

Okay, well,
now I'm just sad.

--Captions by VITAC--

Captioning Provided by
20th Century Fox Television
and ABC, Inc.

and brought to you by Ford.
Going further, so you can.

♪♪

Together: Yah! Yah!

[ Clears throat ]
Can we switch seats?

I'm right under
a vent.

This is not good
for my instrument.

Oh, so nice that you're taking
this speech so seriously.

When you did
Mitch and Cam's wedding toast,

you had your mouth
full of cashews.

Together:
Yah! Yah! Yah!

Hey, pay attention
to your brother.

You got him
into karate.

Not on purpose.

I just showed hima few "Pink Panther" movies.

Joe?

Joe?

I-I-I don't want to play

this Inspector Clouseau
and Cato game anymore.

It's not that I'm scared.

It's just,
I-I'm a little busy --

Aah!
Aah!

He's a little psycho.

Which we must never show him,by the way.

And sorry
if I'm distracted.

It's cut day at CalArts.

Half of the classisn't being asked back.

Manny,
my mother's intuition

tells me that you have
nothing to worry about.

It's just so cruel.

I'm halfwayto a playwriting degree

and a minor
in mask-making

and they're just gonnathrow me out on the street

with no way
to support myself?

As a wise man will say
in about two hours --

"Be grateful for the rocks
life rolls in your path,

for one day, you'll see them
as stepping stones."

I had that
in my "maybe" pile.

Trust yourself, Jay.

[ Cellphone chimes, buzzes ]

Oh, God.It's an e-mail from school.

I don't think I can read thisin front of people.

Kids: Yah!

Gloria:
Let's go, Joe!

Ay!

[ Applause ]

Ay!

[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

I did it!

I did it!
[ Laughing ] Yes!

Did my mom bribe Sensei Ron?

[ Cheers and applause ]

I knew you could do it,Joe!

My mother's intuitiontold me

that you hadnothing to worry about.

And if she bribed Sensei Ron,
who else did she bribe?

Did I even deserve this?

Phil: Do you remember whengrocery shopping was boring?

I really don't.

[ Wheels rattling ]

As a parent,
you don't get

a lot of good, clean,guilt-free victories.

That's why
it's hard not to feel

pretty damn good
about ourselves today.

Because this afternoon,

we are going to watchour daughter Alex graduate...

With honors!

...from the world-renownedCaltech.

♪ When the Caltech Beavers
face you at sports ♪

♪ Prepare to relinquish
the ba-a-all ♪

Their best minds weren't focusedon the fight song.

Yeah.

I just
can't stop smiling

at this picture of Alexin her cap and gown.

It's so surreal
that one of ourkids

could do something
so amazing.

I love you both.

So, you two, grab
champagne and flowers for Alex.

We'll, uh -- We'll get
some cigars to give to Jay.

Yeah.

[ Sighs ]

Oh, my God.

It's Skip Woosnam. Have you
seen him since he fired you?

Once, at a listing.

I tried to pretendI was a 3D cutout of myself

to avoid
talking to him.

But you know what?Today I
wantto talk to him.

I thinkI'll let ol' Skip know

I have a daughtergraduating from Caltech.

No, honey, we are not
the kind of parents

who make ourselves look good
by bragging about our kids.

Then why did weeven have them, Claire?

[ Sighs ]
Are we really not
gonna crow about it

when one of our kidsfinally does somethingwe can be proud of?

I love you both
very much.

I'm comfortablebeing the hot one.

Another record month?

[ Laughing ]
Well, thank you!

You're the greatest butler
on Earth.

Ohp! I gotta run.

Phil?
Skip!

You son of a gun.
How the hell are you?

Great, great.Business is better than ever.

How about you?

Did you, uh,finally get real cutouts?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

Mine are
so realistic and 3D,

you must have been laughing
at one of them like an idiot.

How crazy is it we ran into
each other shopping, huh?

Say,
how are your kids?

Terrific. Yeah.

June just, uh, took a jobat the Container Store.

Impressive. I have a kid that's
interested in space, as well.Yeah.

Considering a job at, uh --
at NASA, actually.
Oh.

Yeah, he, uh, looks likehe's got the right stuff.

[ Laughs ]

No, I -- it's -- I was talking
about my daughter.

Oh.
Hey, Dad. [ Chuckles ]
Dad, guess what.

The twins started kicking
the second I picked up booze.

[ Laughter ]They're my kids, right?

[ Laughing ]
My otherdaughter.

Okay, I'm doing
a little thing about

following your dreams
in mine.

Do you have anything like that
in yours?

I say"follow your passions."

Okay, yeah.
That's different enough.

[ Laughter ]
Okay.

Something fishy's
going on over here.

I'm gonna go shake some trees,
see what falls.

Looking lovely today,Vice Principal Tucker.

Cut the choirboy act,
Pitkowski.

Oh, you don't like
the way I'm talking to you?

Well, who are you
gonna complain to?

No one!

Because
I'mthe acting principal,

clothed in immense power!

Wait, what is --
Nope!

[ Sighs ]I bend faster.

"Jay Pritchett,
Owl Killer"?!

What the hell is this?

[ Gasps ]

The year was 1972.

I landed a whale --

every closet
on a Carnival Cruise ship.

To make the numbers work,

I needed a lot of cedar
fast and cheap.

I ended up cutting down a forestthat happened to be

the last habitat
of the Golden Speckled Owl.

You know, nobody talks about
all the mice I saved.

Nope!

Just the owls.

Are you all planning
some sort of protest?

Well, that ain't happening
on my watch.

Now go take your seats!

"Owl Hitler"?!

What the hell is this picture?
I never strangled an owl!

Is it too much for Dylan
to let me know where he is?

My water could literally break
any minute.

Am I okay
sitting here,

or am I in a SeaWorld
splash zone situation?[ Groans ]

Claire, your old high school
nemesis Ashley Walls,

did she have
a daughter?

Uh, I don't think so.Why?

Well, that woman over
there looks just like
Ashley, but it can't be.

She looks half your...
beauty.

Ashley Walls.

She outdid me at everything.

Homecoming Queen,
Field Hockey Captain,

and the summer
before we went away to college,

she beat me out
for an internship

at Pritchett's closets.

[ Smack ]

Claire?

Hi.
[ Chuckles ]

I...want to say...

Ashley?

Yes!
[ Chuckles ]

How are you?Good.

Hi.Ashley Walls-Carnegie.

Phillip Humphrey Dunphy.

So, what have you
been up to, Ashley?

Uh, well,I'm a personal injury lawyer.

Mm.I have a buddy
that makes bank from that.

Oh?
He's not a lawyer.

He just tries to get
nice cars to hit him.

Yeah, he's just kidding.
[ Chuckles ]

No, I'm not, Mom.

In fact, I've ac--Here, have a candy. Hmm?

That was rude.

I just ran into
my old health teacher,

and she said
she always expected

to see me pregnant
at graduation.

Congratulations.

Oh, thanks.
Twins.

Sorry, I'd be
a lot happier about it

if I could
track their father down.

Candy.

Oh, look --it's your brother, Mitch.

Now, he was alwaysa little uptight, wasn't he?

Well, he was in high school,
but now he's just the most --

Okay, you have one job today,
young lady,

okay,
to be supportive.

If your dad makes a joke,
you will laugh.

If he makes a speech,
you will what? Applaud.

Right. I-I-I'm gonnago find my seat.

But it was greatcatching up with you, Claire.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

[ Groans ]

No one would blame you
if you mentioned

you had a daughter
graduating from Caltech today.

[ Sighing ] Yeah.Honey, the moment has passed.

I'd need a pretty good reason tojust go waltzing over there --

[ Gasps ] Oh!She dropped her program!

Yes!
[ Snickers ]

Hey, Claire, you knowhow you're my go-to gal --

Busy.
Hey, Phil.

You know howyou're my go-to guy on stuff?

Huh.

I suppose against all odds,
we've become best friends.

Sure.

So, apparently,some of the students are angry

that I'm givingthe commencement address.

Why?
Who knows whytheir sick minds do anything?

Gotta say though, it feels goodto be hating hippies again.

Anyway, would you mindgiving this place a sweep?

See if you noticesomething suspicious.

Consider it done.

Hey.
What do you got there?

You kids got something underthose robes you want to show me?

Manny,
you passed the cuts,

so why aren't you
in a better mood?

[ Sighs ]

You bribed my dean to get mepast the cut, didn't you?

I would never do
something like that.

Oh, bravo!

If Lisa Wagner pulled outthat performance,

maybe she wouldn't be drivingback to her parents' house

with a trunkfull of handmade puppets

and a suddenlyvery uncertain future.

I didn't bribe anyone.
I don't know why you're
talking such crazy things.

Because I saw you bribeSensei Ron.

Wait.

You bribed
Sensei Ron?!

So this
is just a lie?!

Are there others?

Who the hell even am I?!

[ Indistinct conversations
in distance ]

Oh!

Oops.

Oh, my God!

[ Groans ]

[ Chuckles ]

Nice try, kemosabes.

Oh!

[ Grunting ]

[ Balloons squeaking ]

Mm! Mm!

Hey. Ash. I think
you left your program.

Oh. Thank you.[ Laughs ]

Wow,
it's wild to think

where all these kids
are gonna end up, right?

I mean, there's
so many great schools.

In fact, our --

Oh.

Is something wrong?

[ Voice breaking ]
Our daughter joined ISIS.

Oh, God!
[ Sobs ]

The government said
she's not an American anymore.

There's a van always
parked in front of our house.[ Sobbing ]

Oh, God.
I'm so sorry --

[ High-pitched ]Did Claire tell youour daughter's a genius?

...and so, graduates,
look to your left

and to your right.

It's a simple key chain with
a tiny cowboy hat charm on it.

If you see it,
please pass it forward.

All right, and now on to
our commencement speaker.

He is a pillar of the community,

an entrepreneur and closeteer --Mr. Jay Pritchett.

[ Applause ]

[ Clears throat ]

Commencement.

"C" for "courage,"

"O" for "opportunity,"

the first "M" --

[ Students hooting ]

Disaster had struck.

But did I panic?

No.

No one chooses to be
a wartime principal.

But we're the ones
history remembers.

[ Hooting continues ]Pick one, they all said --

closets orblinds.

[ Hooting continues ]

Mitchell,
he's tanking my graduation.

I'm cutting him off
and moving right to
the in-memoriam section.

Well, that wouldbe
less depressing.

Yeah, the problem is, the band
just walked out in solidarity.

Here.
W-What?

Mitchell, you can't have
an in memoriam without music.

That's just
a bummer.

Take it!
Oh.

Hoot all you want,
but that Brylcreem kid was me!

Yes, hi, thank you.

Thank you, Jay Pritchett,everyone!

Wow, I don't know about you,but I feel like

getting out thereand taking on the world, huh?

That's a -- [Inhales deeply]And now, let's remember

those Dolphins
we lost this year.

Mitchell, play something.Play anything.

Something with
the most gravitas.

[ Hooting continues
in distance ]

You know, for a person who lasttouched a trumpet two years ago,

I think I sounded pretty good.

[ Off-key notes playing ]

♪♪

I'm done. I'm done.

All right! Wow!

That is a lot of deceased
for one year.

We should probably have
the police check into that.

And now, before, uh,
passing out diplomas,

I would like
to make sort of a --

a personal gesture
to this graduating class.

As these balloons fill the sky,
know that each one of them

represents a student
who has personally inspired me

and filled me with hope
for a better tomorrow.

[ Click ]

What?

[ Light applause ]Psst!
Acting Principal!

Protesters hacked intoour sprinkler system.

It's set to go off
in five minutes.

We have to postpone
the graduation.

And miss my chance
of becoming principal?

Not a chance!

Well, no one can read400 names in five minutes.

Oh, really?

All that training,
all those parties missed,

all those auctions attended

were for this moment
right here, right now.

Students, hi!
When you hear your name,

please proceed to the stage
and grab your diploma.

Nelly Abrishami, Allison Acosta,Frieda Alafary,

Scott "The Skunk" Albanese,
Jessica Alenick,

Richard Thompson Allen,
Lavaria Aminu, Larry Annecone,

Darla Arleto,
Daniel Dey Aronson...

I was gonna make it!

And then...

I hit the Polish names.

Czeslaw Wlodaryzack-ck-kowsky.

Wladyslaw Wlod...

nisky? Yeah.

[ Cheers and applause ]Uh -- Oh!

[ Sprinkler hisses ]Myra Zarinsky --

[ Crowd screaming ]

Okay, if we steer clear of Dad
and Cam, we've got a chance

of blending into the mob
when they turn violent.

Jay:What the hell is this?

Okay, well, apparently,
when those owls

hacked into the sprinkler
system, it was school-wide.

They're not letting anyone
into the parking structure.

Oh, no!

I hope this doesn't mean
we're gonna have to miss

the secondgraduation
of the day.

Dylan:
How lucky is that?

Me cruising by with an Uber fareright when you called.

So lucky.Very lucky.Very good.

Well, this is you,
Gerald.

Let's have today
be the day

you stop playing
for your dad

and start playing
for Gerald.

That --
That kind of reminds me --

I'm sorry I lied
about the trumpet lessons.

Oh, please.
Not the worst part of my day.

I'm realizing now
that Principal Brown
set me up to fail.

There wasno car crash,

just like there was
no moon landing.

Cam --Flags can't wave in space,
Mitchell.

Hey, hey, hey, Iwas humiliated
much worse than you.

It was so unfair.

A lifetime of service
out the window.

You think I don't see
the faces of owls

every night
I close my eyes?

At least you've accomplishedsomething they can tear down.

I'm a fraud!

You see what you did
to your brother?

Look at those
sad, hurt eyes.

Like a sad little owl.

Well, maybe ifyou believed in your sons

instead of giving everyoneColombian handshakes.

What?!

I've never sanded down
a man's fingers

in front
of his family!

Oh,
you mean the bribes?

You can't deny it
anymore.

Look at this photoon my dean's Instagram.

He's wearing the same watchyou gave Sensei Ron.

The superintendent
was wearing that same watch.

I-I noticed it when he
shook my hand at the
end of the ceremony

and said I was
a "horrifying disgrace."

You bribed him?!

Is thathow I got my speech?

Okay, enough!

I'm sure you would have gotten
all these things on your own,

but the world sometimes
is very unfair!

And the watches
are like an insurance.

Why do you even
have so many?

Sometimes I do a little bit
of Ambien shopping

and I buy too much
of one thing.

Didn't you all wonder

when you got the same fun socks
for Christmas?

-Oh, samesies.
-I'll be damned!

-I don't have those.
-They're fun!

I'm sorry, okay?

But I love you guys
so much

to leave your dreams
to chance.

I suppose
where you grew up,

bending the rules
was just a part of life.

It's what you had to do
to get by.

Why wouldn'tyou do that
to help the people you love?

Thank you, Manny.

You're not welcome.
That's not how I feel.

I-It's a speech
from a play I was in.

Right after that line,

I light up a cigarette
and put my clothes back on.

[ Gasps ]Yeah, I'm good, but...

now I'll never knowif that's why I made the cut.

Okay, stop.
Look.

We've all had
a terrible day today --

Dylan: Not me.

Tons of great fares,
amazing yoga class --

I-I was building
to something, buddy.

But that's one of the great
things about being in a family.

We get to share
in each other's victories.

And Alex has
a huge victory today

that can make us
all feel better.

So let's...

turn around this crap day
with a nice, feel-good --

Hey,
is that Alex?

Oh, my God.
Pull over!

[ Tires screech ]Back up!

Alex! Honey, what happened?Are you okay?

What day is it?
[ Chuckles ]

Not that time is anything
but a flat circle.

So...we were done with classes,
done with finals,

and, like college seniors
since the beginning of time,

we decided
to get a little nuts.

Together:
Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug!

Alex:
Our classmate Ashish Chug...

I did it![ Cheering ]

...hacked his key card
to get us access

to the restricted section
of the library.

We decided to read
Alister's Last Theorem.

Gottlob Alister wrote a proof
showing that zero equals 1.

This rendered mathematics
meaningless

and drove him insane.

According to legend,
the same fate befalls anyone

who reads and understands
the proof.

Good God.

[ Gasping ]

If mathematics
doesn't matter,

then no one can be certain
of anything,

and I've just wasted
the last four --

no,
16 years of my life,

and there's no point
in me graduating!

Okay, I can tellthat you're very upset,

and you're probablyreally overtired from finals.

But you are gonna regret itif you don't go to graduation.

Look, I promise --whatever is bothering you,

figure it outafter the ceremony --

After?!
Yes.

"After" implies "before"!

But if one minute agois the same as zero minutes ago,

then before is now
and now is after!

Usually when I hear people
talking like this,

we're walking through
a Taco Bell drive-through.

Sweetie, half your life
is having your mind blown.

I remember when I heard there
were more stars in the galaxy

than grains of rice
in a box of Uncle Ben's.

No, there are
more galaxies

than grains of sand
on all the world's beaches.

[ Hyperventilating ]

Okay,I can't lose 'em both!

I got this!
Alex...Somebody?

"I never knew true strength
until --"

"I met a man
with no feet."

Wait. No.These cards are not in order.

Wait. Nobody help her
right now --

Alex, you're
a smart, confident girl.

I know that you're gonna makethe right decision.

Did you just
put this watch on me?

I have a problem.

I say if Alex doesn't want
to go to her graduation,

that's herdecision.

Thank you, Luke.

As long as you know

that whatever's going on here
isn't about math.

Yeah, I think maybe
you're afraid to leave school.

What?Your whole life,

you've always known exactly
what you're supposed to do --

study, get good grades,
repeat.

Now that's over,
and it's scary.

Kind of like
if zero equalled 1.

But lucky for you,
your dummy brother and sister

have spent time
in the real world.

And if wecan handle it,
you're gonna do just fine.

You think?

Trust us.

Come on. Let's go
get you graduated.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, hold on.
That door gets jammed.

I have to open it
from the inside.Okay.

I got it!

Hyah!

Ohhh!Ohhh!Ohhh!
Ohhh!

Legend Danner.

[ Applause ]

I still can't get over
that commencement speech.

Not a single laugh.

I'll tell you oneelementhe didn't discover -- hilarium.

Oh! Oh, oh!

Alex Dunphy.[ Cheers and applause ]

Congratulations.

Phil: Hey! [ Laughs ]

We don't want to brag,
but, uh...

Our kids did that.

[ Chuckles ]

Yeah.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Gasps ] Ay, no!
No more watches!

When did I order
these ones?!

Manny:Hey, Mom, guess what!

[ Clattering ]

What, Papi?

My friend Carlygot cut from my program,

and her dads fundedour new costume department.

I guess
bribes don'twork.

I got through
on my own merit.

Yay!That calls for a reward.

[ Gasps ][ Jar clanks ]

What is this?

Ay, Manny,
please don't tell Jay.

Oatmeal raisin?

You know what --
a true artist

doesn't close himself offto new experiences,

even vile,ill-leavened cookies.

That's the path
I have chosen,

to experienceand observe everything

in this beautiful pageant
we call life.

[ Screams ]Aah!