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- papa, i want to play hide-and-seek. - okay.

- you hide first. - okay, so hide your eyes--

you hide in the closet.

- i'm not gonna tell you where i'm hiding-- - no, hide in the closet, papa.

but then you'll know where--

no! hide in the closet!

( mutters ) i'll hide in the closet. jesus christ.

one, two, three,

five, 10.

oh, papa, where are you?

papa...?

i found you. i win!

yeah, wow. how did you figure out where you told me to hide?

- that's amazing. - okay, now i hide.

okay, go ahead.

one, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight,

nine, 10.

okay, i'm gonna find... you.

i wonder where lucy is.

oh, where could she be?

lucy?

- what are you doing? - i'm looking for lucy.

we're playing hide-and-seek, but i have no idea where she is.

oh, well why don't you look under the table?

all right, let's see.

- nope. - hmm.

well, why don't you look in the cupboard?

all right, i'll look in the cupboard.

why would she be up there?

obviously i mean the one under the sink.

( sighs )

louie, that has shelves in it. she wouldn't fit.

she could tuck herself in there.

no, she's not four inches tall.

- what? she could fit in there. - she wouldn't fit.

- look in the other cupboard! - wait a minute!

we're actually fighting about where to look for this kid

who's standing here in plain sight.

no, i was hiding!

( crying )

oh, i didn't see you.

what? she sucks at hide-and-seek.

( theme music playing )

pamela adlon: "lucky louie" was taped before a live audience.

hey, thanks for letting me use your shower. �� лл������ϴ��

it's all right, jerry. it just can't happen every day. ��˵ Jerry ֻ����������������

no no, it's just today. i've got some meat in the tub.

okay, well that's fine.

- see you later. - ( shaky ) all right.

you're never gonna believe what just happened to me. ����Զ�������������Ϸ�����ʲô

you're not gonna believe what just happened to me. �㲻�����������Ϸ�����ʲô

- i was mugged! - oh my god, are you okay?! - �ұ����� - �ҵ��� ��û�°�

yeah, i'm okay. i'm fine! û�� ��û��

son of a bitch. who gets mugged at 2:00 in the afternoon?! ���B�� ˭���������ӱ�����

- what happened? - well... - ��ô�ˣ� - �������

i was a couple blocks away from the hospital, ������ҽԺ�����������ĵط�

and this guy jumps out from behind this van! ����һ�����ij�����������

- shit! - it all happened so fast. - �� - ̫ͻȻ��

this 16-year-old crackhead comes at me.

i screamed. he grabbed my purse.

- i held on! - you held on? what, are you crazy?

- you let go. - fuck him!

i'm not gonna let him take my bag.

anyway, he's pulling on it really hard

and i'm pulling back. we're in this tug of war.

we're eyeball to eyeball!

and he's yelling right at me, "let go of the bag, bitch!"

and i'm yelling right back at him, "fuck you! it's mine, you dirty crackhead!"

you did everything wrong!

he could have killed you!

he was just a punk kid trying to pull a snatch 'n' run.

even if he was a kid, it doesn't mean he's not dangerous.

kids that do that, they-- they're desperate.

they're poor. they have nothing, so they steal.

who gives a shit if he's poor?

- look at this giant bruise! - oh my god!

you said you were okay. when did that happen?

during the kick fight.

the little bastard, he got me in the thigh,

but i nailed both of his kneecaps.

jeez. what, are you crazy?

it was this raw battle of wills,

neither of us willing to lose, to let go the bag.

it was a duel!

until the strap broke

and the crackhead got my purse.

well, who cares about your purse?

just thank god you're okay and it's over.

( sighs ) it's not over.

'cause i got the punk's wallet.

- you got his wallet? - yeah, it dropped out of the back

of his idiotic oversized pants!

i'm gonna find where he lives and get my shit back.

what are you talking about?

check this out: school i.d.:

jason plumbley, 537 center street.

duh. i'm coming for you, asswipe.

wait-- wait a minute.

you're not coming for anybody.

that's not how you handle this.

i'm gonna call the police. just settle down, you lunatic.

you were a victim today. start acting like one.

cry or something. shit.

( phone rings )

- city desk. - hi, i need to report a mugging.

my wife was just mugged.

she's all right, but it was this kid, he took her purse.

- did he have a weapon? - did he have a weapon?

no, but tell him about the duel.

no, no weapon.

how much money was stolen?

- how much money did he get? - uh, about three buck

hne $ youtf the yesty?

well, i owed tina $10 and i bought some stuff.

what difference does it make? he just would have gotten more!

- roughly $3. - uh-huh.

so...

well, sir, you're entitled to come down to the station

and fill out a report and we'll file it.

aw, you're not gonna do shit, are you?

you're entitled to come down to the station

and fill out a report.

could you at least just say, "no, we're not gonna do anything"?

- these calls are recorded, sir. - yeah, all right.

gimme that.

got his number right here.

- ( phone rings ) - hello?

hello, crackhead!

what?! who is this?

i want my purse back, crackhead!

is this bitch?

you better give me back my wallet or i'll mess you up.

i want my bag back, jackass.

i had over 100 bucks worth of makeup in there.

yeah, you need so much makeup 'cause you one ugly bitch!

jason, who is that you're talking to like that?!

hello?

this is jason's grandmother. who is this?

uh, hi. i'm kim.

jason and i met earlier today

- when he mugged me. - what?

what'd i tell you about mugging people?!

you come right over to get your belongings, sweetie.

okay. thanks.

um, oh! could you please give me directions to your house?

oh, i'm no good with my lefts and my rights.

( sternly ) help the lady.

yeah?!

i'm coming from the south side.

how do i get to your house, asshole?

take your fat ass down parking street to east center.

is that the left before the cemetery, fuckhead?

no, you dumb bitch! it's way past that.

you know, where 7-eleven is at.

uh, where they put in the new traffic lights?

yeah, used to be a hardee's.

yeah, when did they change that over?

uh, beginning of the summer.

okay, i'm coming, crackhead!

i'll be waiting, bitch!

we're not going over there.

- we're going over there. - ( sighs )

if it gets ugly, i'll get the kid, you take grandma.

( doorbell rings )

hi. we called earlier about the mugging.

oh, of course. come on in.

why don't you sit down?

i defrosted a lemon ring.

- yeah, maybe we could just get her stuff. - ofourse.

( sternly ) jason, get up and get the lady her purse!

- okay, jeez. - i'm very sorry.

i don't know what's wrong with this one.

you got my wallet.

( huffs )

okay, good. let's go.

uh...

i would like an apology.

i'm very sorry.

i never should have overpowered you

- and taken your purse. - where is your retainer?!

- it's right here, grandma. - well, put it on!

it was so very nice to meet the both of you.

you thought you'd beat up on a woman,

only i beat your ass, loser.

- okay, come on. - you'd better leave or i'll cut you, bitch.

- please, don't antagonize her. - oh, shut up, fag!

i'll cut you both.

with what, your retainer?

you see, though? i was right.

he's not a victim of society. he's just some spoiled brat.

- yeah, i guess you're right. - we schooled that punk.

- yeah. - thinks he can mess with me.

i gotta piss. lease go in now?

- i can't find my keys. - oh, what?

oh my god. that punk,

he must have taken my keys!

- are you kidding? - i don't know!

they're not here! he must have them.

well, maybe they fell out of your purse.

look, could you just please try to stay calm?

- jason: hello? - listen, you little crooked-toothed shit

i know you've got my keys! don't bother to lie!

- i want 'em back now! - ( laughing ) nope.

put your grandmother on the phone!

aw, sorry,

but grandma took a tylenol p.m.

she'll be out till morning.

i want my keys back.

oh, you'll be getting 'em back.

me and a few of my friends'll be dropping 'em by.

oh, and don't worry.

we know where you live.

we don't need directions.

( louie clears throat )

we better get the locks changed.

this is good.

you took a simple mugging

and you upgraded it to a double murder.

oh good, you put the new lock in?

who said anything about a new lock?

i'm switching out your lock with that colored guy's across the hall.

- his name is walter. - yeah, whatever.

what are you taking off the whole door?

the locks are fused on from being painted over so many times.

it's just easier to switch the doors.

yeah, but wait a minute. now walter's gonna be apartment 3d

and they'll just come in and break into his place.

what, are you guys fucking each other? who gives a shit.

come on!

fine, jesus. relax, will you? i got it all under control.

look, we got another building with apartment 3d.

we'll take their door and give them yours. what do you say?

are you coming right back with the door?

yeah, i'll call you.

this building sucks!

- argh! - you okay?

yeah, i just-- i didn't hear you come in with the no-door there.

oh yeah!

hey, it's good you had that ripped out.

i always hated that thing.

doors, you know, all these doors--

doors are the blockages of truth, you know?

it's like i'm coming to see you.

i've got coming- to-see-you energy.

with my eyes, i don't need to see wood. i want to see you.

my eyes, you! your eyes, mine!

you sit at your table and you sit, and say--

i got family, i got noodles in boxes, cereal in boxes.

everything is in a box.

you don't know you need a surprise. you need my energy

coming in. your energy seeing me.

it's like life. you're living your life.

otherwise it's just-- you meter out your friendship.

you meter the fucking shit out.

you are like, "oh, a little bit, maybe i should let him in.

i don't know-- what do i think of him?"

you know? but if i just come in,

i just come in, you see me.

it's seeing energy; it's hurled back and forth.

it's thrust, energy thrust.

doors block the thrust of life.

i know this man, i know this.

it's doors. doors are bullshit. it's doors.

- can i take a shower? - no, man, it's not a good time.

did you talk to nick?

yeah, we're not getting our door tonight.

he suggested we hang some beads.

i talked to tina and she said lucy can stay over there tonight.

where were we staying?

here. we got to protect our stuff.

what stuff? there's nothing in here.

nothing in here worth more than $18.

it's not about the money. these are our things.

like this bowl. i love this bowl.

what's so great about that bowl?

i don't know. it's our blue bowl.

i make pancakes in it.

we eat salad out of it.

i yelled at you when you soaked your foot in it.

it's our blue bowl and they're not getting it.

when's the last time you made pancakes?

look, if you don't care you go sleep at tina's

and i'll stay here and deal with jason and his friends myself.

do we have a baseball bat?

kim, you are being ridiculous. i can't let you stay here.

i'm not leaving my home open.

all right, fuck it. i'll stay.

really? you sure?

you're a foot tall.

obviously, i'm the one who should stay.

i'll guard our home against jason and the crackheads.

look at you, all tough.

no one is going to mess with you.

you're a bad ass.

don't try to make this out to be a good idea, because it's not.

hey, you can call your friends, have them over,

order some pizza. you get a free guys night.

okay. just go.

lucy, come on. we're going to tina's.

i'm gonna bring my kyla doll and my mr. chipmunk and my circus coloring book.

lucy, we're only going for one night.

and my red shoes--

and that's it. come on.

papa, we're going to a sleepover.

- okay. have fun. - we will have fun.

all right. see you in the morning. maybe.

bye, papa.

thanks. bad ass.

put that away, man.

what? safety's on.

oh. now it's on.

i told you not to bring a gun.

wait-- now it's on.

rich, we're not going to need that.

why, 'cause you got your pepper spray?

what do you think you're going to do with that? stop a date rape?

- it's just a deterrent. - barely.

it stings for 10 minutes and you're right back in business.

give him a break. the man is trying to protect his home.

here. you might want to tuck this back in your bra.

( both laughing )

faggot.

shut up, assholes.

hey, what happened to your door?

hey, walter.

jesus. you scared the tinkle out of us.

come on in.

yeah. maybe i won't.

come on in, walter. what are you doing up?

working late.

all the more reason to grab a beer.

seriously, man, come on, sit down.

okay. what happened to your door?

my wife, she got in a fight with a mugger

and the guy took her keys. so long story short, the super took the door.

this building sucks. we complained

that we had a window that rattled a little.

he came over and bricked it up.

anyway, we're all here guarding my crap

because my wife fought a mugger for $3 and some eyeliner.

wait. kim got mugged by a transvestite?

no. some kid.

she could have let him go, but she made this thing out of it.

this one time, ellen started to fight with this guy

over a parking space. she jumped out of the car,

gets all in the guy's face. starts cussing him out.

so then the guy gets out of his car

and points a big ass gun at her.

- what did you do? - what do you think? i gave him the parking space.

she still gives me shit over it.

yeah. ontime i took tina ice skating.

she loves to skate. she's pretty good at it too.

i must have watched her skate for two hours.

anyways, we went home and we made love all night.

what? we're talking about our wives, right?

my wife doesn't skate.

oh, lighten up. kim is great.

so she stood up for herself. she's a tough gal.

a scrapper. she doesn't back down when she thinks she's right.

and that deserves your respect instead of--

whoa! jesus christ! was that you?

- argh! - oh, come on, man!

- argh! - wow!

lou. wow!

come on. i got no door so my stomach got nervous.

then your ass must be terrified.

- oh! - no!

jesus, fuck! th's pepper spray.

don't panic. don't panic.

you got to piss on a rag and put it over your eyes.

- that's it for me. - yeah. me too.

come on, guys. i don't want to be here all alone.

seriously, lou, see an ass doctor.

( gasps )

oh my god!

oh, hey.

are you okay?

yeah, yeah, i'm fine.

wow.

shit.

- what happened? - ( clears throat )

well, i farted...

so everybody left. and then i fell asleep.

but, hey, i saved the blue bowl.

you slept through all of this?

well, no. not exactly.

i was asleep when they came in--

and i woke up by pretending to still be asleep.

i could hear them vandalizing the place,

but it was taking kind of a long time so

i guess i fell back asleep.

damn it! i knew i should have been the one to stay.

- i can't believe you! - what?

some punks come in, wreck our home and you don't do anything?

hey, i'm okay.

nothing happened to me. maybe that's what you should be focused on right now.

oh my god. fag.

yeah, all right. i don't care if you call me that.

that's fine. that's what i am.

if what i did tonight makes me a fag,

then-- then i'm a fag.

but you know what? i'd rather be a live fag

than a dead bitch.

no. they spray-painted "fag" on your shirt.

oh, shit!

look what you did!

what do you mean what i did?

if you had let go of that purse you would have lost $3.

and instead we got all of this. was it worth it?

hey, i just wanted to protect our home.

it's a shitty home. it's a rental.

this is the only art we have on the walls.

look, if i was here, i would have fought those fuckers.

good idea, kim, great. maybe you are right.

maybe you should have stayed, fought everybody.

maybe instead of a bruise you would have gotten killed.

then i can tell lucy that it's okay she doesn't have a mommy,

'cause she's got a blue bowl.

( sighs )

i'm sorry.

it's all right.

it's just hard for me to let them get away with it.

i don't like people fucking with me.

i get that.

believe me. listen...

if anybody ever really tried to hurt you

or lucy, they're dead where they walk.

thanks, bad ass.

- ( door slams ) - oh shit.

oh my god, they're still here.

what did we just talk about?

- all right. - be a fag, not a bitch.

wait. let me get this.

well, they can't steal that now.

( theme music playing )

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