All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s07e22_English

Tim Allen delivers the laughs inLast Man Standing.

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Hey, Kyle.

Damn it.

Kyle. Kyle!

Here I am!

[laughing]

You had no idea where I was.

No. Had I known, I would've
taped that box up.

You haven't packed
any of this stuff up.

Well, I started to,
but I took a long stroll

down memory lane...

when I found this.

A hanger.

Well, thehanger.

From when I first moved in.
Remember?

-No.
-Well, I used to leave my coat

laying on the sofa all the time.Remember?

No.

And you said, "Hang up your coat

or I'm gonna smack you
in the head." Remember?

Yes.

Yeah, and I said, "Where am I
supposed to hang it up?"

And you said, "In the closet."
And I said, "With what?"

And you said, "A hanger."
And I said,

"What hanger?"
And you said, "This hanger."

Thishanger.

First off,
the hanger stays here.

Message received,
you old softie.

You got to pack
all this stuff up.

This is why we had to cancel
the moving truck last week.

I know.
I know, it's just...

everything I pick up tells me
a beautiful story

about my time here.

I understand.
How about this?

You pack it up real quick,it'll tell you the same stories,

even better ones as you'reunpacking it at your new house.

-All right. I'll get on it.
I promise.
-Okay.

Oh, um, would you ask Mandy
to give me a hand?

Geez. Mandy. Mandy!

Here I am!

♪

You know, Air Force Academy
food is good,

but there's something about
a meal at home

-that just tastes
so much better.
-Yep.

Well, you're old enough
I can tell you the secret:

I use obscene amounts of butter.

-Oh, I love special occasions.
Morning.
-Morning.

Hey. Because there's waffles
and I don't have to cook them.

-That's right.
-[chuckles]

You can cook them anytime
you want,

just not on the waffle maker

that my dad passed on to me.

You know, Mike, my grandmother
passed me down

a loom.
Doesn't mean I have to use it.

That's because a loom is stupid.

[scoffs]

This thing's got generations
of Baxter family flavor

baked right into it.

Ew. You said it was butter.

Make all the jokes you want,
but this is a big day for me.

This is when my nearly
30-year-old daughter

-and her husband
move out of the house.
-Mm. [chuckles]

Well, in that case,
I am opening champagne.

Uh, I'm adding orange juice.

I'm not a lush.

As long as we're celebrating,

I'm gonna add some more
chocolate chips,

making this waffle
one step closer to cake.

Honey, aren't you upset?

You're finally home
for the summer

and your sister's leaving?

She's like the sun.

I enjoy her from a distance,

but if you spend too much with
her, you'll suffer a stroke.

Ooh, champagne and orange juice.

That's called an Omarosa.

Actually, that would be
champagne and sour grapes.

-Ooh.
-[chuckles]

Ah, waffles. One of the most
memorable smells.

-MIKE: Mm-hmm.
-You know, it's like
fresh cut grass

or gasoline covering the trailerright before your mom

files an insurance claim.

You know, the key to making
a great waffle

is hard on the outside,
soft on the inside.

It's almost the opposite
of how it is in your artery.

-It's just...
-All right.

Sit down, guys. Why don't I getsome breakfast in you

-before the
moving truck arrives?
-Yep.

Oh, actually, we canceled that.

This will be the third time
you've canceled this thing.

-What's going on?
-No, now, hey, hey, hey.

Maybe they have a good reason.

Which I would really
love to hear.

Yeah. We-we ordered
some curtains,

and we thought we'd wait
till they got delivered.

We don't want people peeking in.

Trust me. Nobody
wants to watch you and Kyle

try to program a stove clock.

Heh.

Hey, Ed?

I got your text.
What's the emergency?

No, no, no.
Did you see a customer

who drove off
in a cherry red convertible?

Oh. I don't know.
Did he hit something?

No, no, no, no, no.

How do you think I would look

in a cherry red convertible?

Okay, we-we need to talk

about the word "emergency".

-[indistinct chatter]-Yoo-hoo. Anybody want a muffin?

-Ooh. Absolutely.
-Someone was up
all night baking.

And then I bought some
from the bakery.

-Mmm. Mmm.
-What's that?

-The whole thing tastes
just like the top.
-Mmm.

And that granola bar in my deskcan go kiss my ass.

[laughs]I'm so glad you guys like them.

Uh, hey. Are you guys
gonna be here tomorrow?

-Mm-hmm. All day.
-Great.

Uh, Boyd's school
is doing their spring musical,

so he's gonna come in with me
and do some fund-raising.

Seems like he was just here
for Peter Pan.
-[chuckles]

Yep. Uh, this year
they're doing Music Man.

He's so excited to tell
you guys about it.

Have a great day.
Thanks, bye.

[chuckles] I knew
this muffin would cost me.

[grunts]

Last year he talked me into
that "Tiger Lily" package.

-Mmm.
-200 bucks for
a signed cast photo

and a room temperature soda
at intermission.

This year...
I'm not gonna do it.

What?

Yeah. He asks me to donate?

I'm gonna say no.

Wow. But...
but that's Mike's grandson.

-Yeah.
-He-he doesn't realize
that the kid's a jackass.

I don't give a damn.

I'm done.

All right.
Me too.

I'm not gonna bankroll
that kid anymore.

-Yeah.
-All right? Yeah, right.
[chuckles]

And I'm talking all these
bribe muffins.

We got to get rid
of these sponges.

Really?
I just bought those.

No.
I mean Kyle and Mandy.

Yeah. Well, uh, you know,
they'll be gone soon enough.

It's-it's like Mandy
in high school:

-dicey for a while,
but she got out.
-Right...

She even said it herself.

She's not feeling any pressure
to move out.

I want to put some
pressure on her.

Okay. What-what do you
want me to say?

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

I-I realize we attract more
flies with honey than vinegar,

but we want to get rid
of the flies.

-I can be tough.
-Honey.

[chuckles]

I don't like
watching old movies.

Everybody who was in them
is dead.

-Like, see that adorable kid?
-Mm-hmm.

Dead.

Hey, uh, could you guys

turn that off for just a second?

All right, listen up.
I've been thinking about this,

and if you guys don't want
to move into the apartment,

I'm gonna have to find
another tenant.

Wait, what are you
talking about?

You know what
he's talking about.

We spent a lot of money
fixing that place up,

and I think we've done
a great job.

And if you guys
aren't gonna move in,

I'm gonna
put it back on the market,

so I'm saying you're gonna haveto move in tomorrow.

Well, Dad you're-you're puttingus under a lot of pressure.

-I know.
-We know!

Well, I... I mean, I guess,
when you put it that way,

we don't really have a choice.

Exactly.

Rent it to someone else.

-What?
-No... You...

You realize you're gonna
lose the apartment.

-I know.
-We know!

Hey, let's go unpack, babe.

I still get to use the hanger.

Wow.

I know this is probably
too late, but, um...

I don't want to have kids.

VANESSA:
Oh, I thought

this would be the last gallon
I'd have to buy.

You know, that,
you know, I-I could be

one of those elegant women
who buys her milk

one skinny quart at time.

But Mandy and Kyle
are staying,

so I guess I'm still
"Ugly Jugs" Vanessa.

Honey... your jugs
are beautiful.

Hey.

-Ooh, actually...
-Uh-uh-uh...

What? I'm thirsty.

Drink water.
Milk is for movers.

I think what your father
is trying to say is

what the hell are you and Kyle
still doing here?

Hey, hey. [chuckles]I can't wait to get out of here.

Right back at ya.

The problem is this family is

too loving and too supportive.

Boy. That's gonna be
an interesting call

to social services.

Well, you guys know Kyle
grew up with an alcoholic mom

in a condemned trailer.

And then he comes here
to a... to a caring,

supportive family.

I-I think maybe
he wants more of that.

Well, does explain why Kyle's
been dragging his heels.

-I mean, it's kind of sweet.
-Yeah.

So I created a wonderful home
and family

and, once again,

being too good at something
bites me in the ass.

Yeah, and those
three pregnancies

hardly took any toll at all
on your figure.

-Retail area.
-Uh-huh?

There's a guy in a black leatherjacket with lots of buckles.

-Uh.
-Lots of buckles.

-Got him.
-Uh-huh.

-Did you see him lift something?-No, no, no.

Do you think I could pull off
a coat like that?

Only in
a cherry red convertible.

[chuckles]

Oh, uh, okay. Uh-oh.
Boyd's here.

-It's happening.
-Huh. Oh.

What-what, wait, wait, wait.

That's the first place
he'll look for you. Come on.

-Okay.
-Yeah.

Shh, shh.

Ed? Chuck?

Hey, where are you guys?

It's a perfect idea.

This way he can't shake down
people he can't find.

Yeah. You know,
I stared down the Iraqi army.

Now I'm hiding
from a peewee music man.

But the Iraqi army
wasn't singing show tunes.

[phone ringing]

Come on, stop that.

-Come on, cut it, cut it,
cut it, cut it.
-I got it. Whoa.

Ooh.

I got it.

Turn the damn thing...

-There it is. Okay.
-Turn the damn thing off.

What are you guys doing?

-Chuck just dropped his phone.
-Uh...

Why is it so dark in here?

-Uh, because the lights
aren't on.
-Yeah.

-Ed, Ed, I told you,
turn the lights on.
-Okay.

-Whoa. It's bright.
-Let me ask you
a question, fellas.

-Yeah?
-Yeah?

Do you love love?

BOTH:
Yes.

Well, then, you're going
to love the story

of a flimflam man
who travels town to town

selling musical instruments

till one thing gets in his way.

What do you think that is?

BOTH:
Love.

What's with the picnic basket?

We usually go to the woods
with guns.

This is for Kyle.He's having a hard time leaving.

Then take him to the woods
with guns.

Your father has agreed to let meexplain to Kyle

-that family is family
no matter where he lives.
-MIKE: Right.

You know, sometimes
I just prefer

to rip the Band-Aid off,
all right?

Damn it, I don't even like
putting Band-Aids on.

You'll see, you'll see.
Once I talk to Kyle,

he will realize on his own
that it's time to go.

Right. Or he'll just
wait us out,

take the master bedroom
after we die.

Then I'll take him
to the woods with guns.

What?

Uh, Kyle... Hey.

Uh, I packed this picnic basket

full of all
your favorite snacks.

-My favorite snac...
-Yeah.

I thought they discontinued
making choco-balls

like ten years ago
because they caused "lesions."

Heh. No, no, no, no.
No choco-balls. Okay, so...

Um, I just thought that
maybe you and Mandy

could take the picnic
basket outside,

and you could realize that
food tastes just as good

no matter where you eat it.

That's not true.
I mean, there's something

that's just so magical
about your kitchen,

and nobody beats
Mr. B's waffles.

That's very nice, but, uh, but

what I'm trying
to tell you is that...

The only thing that my mom
cooked in the kitchen was

this weird stuff
that made her friends

really excited
to clean the trailer.

Yeah, uh...

look, I realize your childhood

wasn't exactly ideal...

Yeah, but it's okay now,'cause living here with you guys

has been the happiest time
of my life.

Which is why I'm not sure
I'm ever gonna leave.

Mike.

Listen, Kyle, I'm gonna get
ahold of the moving van.

It'll be here in an hour.
Your stuff's gonna be in it

or in the front yard.

Now, get out.

That Band-Aid had
a little hair on it.

I can't believe I have my own
beautiful, perfect apartment.

I want to kick you guys
out of here so badly.

Okay, well, a few
last-minute things.

Uh, the curtains will
be in tomorrow.

Oh, and there is a bus that
stops by every few days

because we are on
the "Haunted Denver" tour.

Prison murder.
Don't ask.

Oh, where do you want
the bowling balls?

That's the last one.

Now all that's left
is back surgery

and three months
of physical therapy.

Hey, how about your new landlordbuys everybody lunch

at the Grill?

I can get us a good table.
I sleep with the manager.

[chuckles]Oh, don't tell her I said that.

Maybe Dad could join us.
He likes to pay for things.

Actually, I'm-I'm not hungry.

-I think I'll just
get started unpacking.
-Okay.

What about you, Eve?

Uh, I think I'll hang here, too.

I lost my appetite
when I fused my spine.

Kyle, um, I think
you and I need to talk.

You know, Baxter son
to Baxter son.

Apparently I'm not a Baxter son.

Which... which I suppose
is a good thing,

since I'm married
to a Baxter daughter,

and that would be,
you know... disgusting.

Well, Dad thinks of you
as a son.

Oh, yeah?

Sure has a funny way
of showing it.

Well, he has a funny way
of showing most things.

You kind of have to learn
how to read him.

He kicked me out.
An-And I don't know why.

I don't know what I did wrong.

You didn't do anything wrong.

That's why he kicked you out.
Don't you get that?

Okay, this might be
a little late in the game

for me to ask this,
since, you know,

-I'm married into
the family and all.
-Yeah. Mm-hmm.

But... are you people insane?

Kyle, he knew it was time
for you to move out.

He knew you were ready.

That's why,
when he found out

that you weren't going
to pull the trigger, he did.

And if there's one thing
Dad knows,

it's... it's when to pull
the trigger.

I guess that's true.

Of course it's true.

And you want to know
another thing that's true?

You think you moving out
is hard on you?

Trust me,
it's way harder on Dad.

You think so?

I do.

That's why I know how
to read him.

You're a good brother, Eve.

You think you could teach me
how to read?

Sure.

You mean my dad, right?

Hey, guys, I'm back.

Me, too, and I brought
more muffins.

Now, Ed, you bought
the "Shipoopi" package.

That gives you four tickets
to each performance,

and a special lunch
with the cast.

I know what I did.

-And, Mr. Larabee.
Now, now this is my favorite.
-Mm.

-You get...
-To build a gazebo.

I know.

Oh, you're gonna need
an insurance waiver.

What?
An insurance waiver?

[chuckles]
If it helps, uh,

we have to host the cast party.

46 drama nerds spilling soda
and spreading it

all over my house
with their jazz hands.

I just bought myself
another year

to try to figure out
how to say no to that kid.

Next year they're doing Cats.

-[sighs]
-Oh, for the love of God.

A-Am I gonna have to build
some kind of

giant litter box or something?

-Hey, guys.
-Hey, hey, Jen, Jen, Jen.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but get out.

Boyd's gonna get here
any second.

He's fundraising
for his new play, so get...

Hey, that's my kid.
But he's right.

You should totally
just leave right now. Just go.

ED:
It's too late, too late,

-too late.
-Oh, Jen, great.

Let me ask you a question.

-Do you love love?
-Why?

Because if you do, you're goingto love The Music Man.

-It's the story of a guy...
-Stop.

-What?
-Not interested.

-But don't you want to know...
-I do not.

But it-it's a musical.

Yeah, people don't like those.

Let's go, Boyd.

Uh... think we're done here.

[chuckles]

That is the most amazing thing

I've ever seen.

You don't seem to feel
any guilt.

How d-how did you do that?

Well, I'll tell you.
Right after I tell you

about the geology club, which israising money for a field trip.

You two strike me
as the type who would be...

Limestone Members.

Hey, you got a check...

Hello?

Hey, Kyle. Kyle.

In the box?

Oh, hey, Mr. B.

Hey, buddy.

You know, this place is startingto look pretty good.

Yeah, yeah, it's starting
to feel like home.

That's because it is a home.

Can I get you anything?

No, but, uh,
I brought you something.

This is yours.

Yeah. Family heirloom.

Oh. Cool. I'll-I'll tell Mandy
you brought it by for her.

Actually, uh,
I brought it for you, Kyle.

-Really?
-You, uh...

Vanessa's got a loom, but...
that's stupid.

Heirloom good.

A loom, stupid.

-Thank you, Mr. B.
-Mm-hmm.

Any time you want a waffle,
you come by.

Okay. Listen, I, uh...

I should get back to work.

A-And do you remember
how I like the waffles?

Hard on the outside,
soft on the inside.

You know how to read me.

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man,

reminding you that the outdoorshas much to teach us.

For example, you know one thingyou'll never see in nature?

A millennial
still living at home.

And you know why?
It isn't good for them.

Buy your own damn milk.

You see,
it really doesn't matter

if the teat is attached
to your mom,

an almond or the government.

If you suckle at it
for too long,

you won't know how to be
a grown-up in the real world.

Of course, in nature,

the parents don't mess around.

Birds will just launch the kid
out of the nest.

They don't even check to see ifthe dude can fly. They're like,

"Well, you got a couple secondsto figure it out,

otherwise you're gonna
get eaten down there."

With people,
it's a little trickier.

Especially the-the people

your very loving wife
gave birth to.

If you're really lucky, your
grown-up kid who lives at home

will get married, and you get
to take in a stray.

It's like
birth one, get one free.

You ever see those videos
where the goat folds in

with the family dogs
until he thinks he's a dog?

Well... [imitates goat]

...we had a goat.

He thought he was one of us.

Thought he was one of us.
[chuckles]

And I hope that he knows
that he is

and always will be.

Baxter out.

[chicken clucks]

Captioned by
Media Access Group at WGBH

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