Original subtitles

I said it. I said it right there.

I was like, "You a woman."

- Mm-hmm. - "I'm a man."

- Mm-hmm. - There's a difference--

Oh, what?

They bumpin' [bleep] up in here.

Here it is. It's going off.

Yo! Hey!

Which one of y'all mother[bleep]...

- ...bumped me? - I did.

What the [bleep] you gonna do about it?

What's up?

Oh, I'll tell you what I'ma do about it!

You don't want to do this today.

Ooh, yeah. Yeah, what?

You lucky my friend's holding me.

You lucky, 'cause I'll tear your head off!

Don't hold me back, dude! Don't hold me back!

Oh, okay. Then go for it.

See, I know, though,

if I were to lunge at you right now,

my friend right here-- he'd catch me

at the last possible second--

No, no, no, I won't.

But my friend does have the cognizance

to tell me I don't need to be going up

and committing capital murder up in a club tonight.

Oh, no, just knock him unconscious, dog.

Bam!

You don't have to kill anybody.

I mean, no need for that. That's excessive.

Tear him up.

I will, but--

(stammering) Wait. Let me finish my sentence.

I will, uh...

Oh!

Oh, snap. You know what?

You lucky my boy's using his telekinetic powers

to hold me back right now.

No, I'm not.

Well, maybe it's the type of telekinesis

that's a mutant power that you didn't realize you had

until the moment it--

Oh, oh!

I got it. I see, I see.

So you want me to hold you back.

[bleep]...

(screaming)

I'm a dragon.

Oh, yeah, I want to rip this.

I'm a lion. I'm a tiger over here.

I'm a bear. Oh, my.

I'll go crazy on you.

Oh, I can't believe it.

The man-- He's like a tornado up in here.

Don't hold me back.

I can't even believe I can hold him back.

Do it, man!

I can't believe I'm this strong!

Let me go! Let me go!

I'm one-arming it. I can't believe I'm this strong.

Let me go!

I'ma hold him back with one finger.

He's like a little baby. He can't get past me.

He's like a little--Ow! What?

- I'm a little baby? - I'm holding you back, man!

- You're stupid, man! - I know.

I got carried away. I apologize.

What you mean you got carried away?

You told me to hold you back. I was holding you back.

What do you want me to do?

In a fight situation, no means no,

and yes means yes.

How would I have known that?

Oh, wait. Come on, man, ow.

Come on, that hurt.

And you holding me back now?

Thank you very much for that.

Okay, well, just at least change it up.

Okay, now you listen.

(haunting Western music)

Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com

- You know what we have as men? - What's that?

The sorrow to know that we will never

bring life into this planet.

Are you-- Is that something that you're mourning?

Are you mourning the fact

that you don't have that opportunity?

I mean, women have the special superhuman power

to produce another human from their body.

We do help in that endeavor...

- more often than not. - Eh.

We toss a little something in there,

into the mixture.

Did you have to say "toss"?

Well, you know, you do things your way.

I'll do things my way.

Do you know what I mean?

Mm-mm. No. No, no, wait.

Hold on. No. I do not--

I have no idea what you mean.

So what do you want to do tonight?

Like, I was thinking maybe we could meet up

with Amy and Brad, and, like, before that,

we could go to Angela's, and before that,

we could, like, just go--

Meegan.

I have something to say.

(exhales sharply)

I had to say it in person

because it's-- it's, like, super important.

Okay.

Um...

I know this is sudden, but, like,

I've been thinking about this for a while.

And I know this is something that needs to happen.

I'm breaking up with you.

Cool. Love it.

Totally fine with that.

- R-Really? - Yeah.

'Cause I thought--

I was really worried

that you were gonna be, like, mad.

Mad? Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

No, of course I'm not mad.

People grow apart. It happens.

It's, like, part of life.

No, I'm totally fine.

Like, love it, love it, love it.

Um... (clears throat)

So...

Uh, um...

we had a good run.

Yeah.

And, uh, don't be a stranger.

Can I just--

Can I ask why?

- Why? - Yeah, like, whatevs.

Like, I'm doing some work on myself

and, like, trying to grow as a person,

so I'd really, like, appreciate to know why.

Yeah, um...

Okay, yeah, that's, like--

You know, I think that you're kind of, like,

a controlling person who--

Thank you. Thank you for that.

That's nice. Thank you for that.

Cool. No problem.

So you know what your problem is, Andre?

What?

You keep tabs on people.

Every little thing somebody does,

you have to keep a tab of it.

Wait. I-I can't tell if you're angry or not.

I'm not.

Mm, totally not angry.

No, I'm excited. It's good.

It's just, like, you said your piece,

and I just think that I deserve the human decency

to say my piece.

Right, right.

Is that-- is that not okay?

No, no, no. It's--

Of course, of course.

You're a controlling, manipulative person.

Everyone says that.

I-I don't think that I am.

Yes, you are, Andre.

Yes, you mother[bleep] are.

Okay, now--now, you sound pretty angry.

I'm not angry!

I'm not angry. I'm fine.

I love it!

I love that you came to my house,

and you broke up with me in my space.

And I'm gonna think about that every time I'm here.

That's great. That is so perfect for me.

(crying) It's the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Where else was I supposed to do it?

'ause you won't come to my house.

Oh, here he is. The puppet master is back.

But I'm not-- No, I'm not the puppet master.

Why are you doing this to me?

It's true. You won't come to my house.

You said my apartment looks like two rats

just [bleep] in it every [bleep] day.

Oh, right, like, thank you for that.

I'm a bitch. Thank you.

I didn't call-- No, I didn't say "bitch."

- I didn't-- - Which is it?

Am I evil, or am I a bitch?

No, no, you're not evil, Meegan.

Well, then why are you punishing me?

I'm not punishing you. I'm not--

You broke up with me,

and I'm not supposed to feel punished.

- Who thinks like that? - (shouting)

I don't know! I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, okay, Meegan?

I guess I didn't think it through.

Well, it's, like, too late now.

- I mean, we're done. - No, it's not too late.

Meegan, Meegan, seriously, I just--

I-I-I had a feeling that I thought was true,

and clearly-- clearly it wasn't true.

Like, I'm so confused.

Like, are you breaking up with me,

or are you not breaking up with me?

Meegan, I'm not breaking up with you!

Okay, cool. So what do you want to do tonight?

Like, I want to hang out with Amy and Brad,

but maybe before that, we can go to Angela's.

(dark music)

What just happened?

(smooth jazz music)

Welcome back to The Morty Jebsen Show.

I'm Morty Jebsen.

We're here today continuing our conversation

with unbelievable mega superstar

Young Bidness.

Now, Young Bidness, I got to tell you,

we've been tiptoeing around

a particular subject all day,

and I think it's time to broach it.

You've separated recently with your actress girlfriend,

Tina Bouquet.

- No, Mort, Mort. - And everybody wants to know--

We ain't gonna talk about that.

I'm not here to talk about that.

I just want to hear your side of the story.

You don't want to hear-- I told y'all mother[bleep]

we weren't gonna talk about that, Mort.

I'm trying to talk about the music.

And lots of people understand that you're talking

about your own personal experiences.

Your fans would like to know--

How many times I need--

Why-- What-- The fans don't want to know.

That's-- You want to know!

- I just want to clarify-- - You want to know.

You ain't want to clari-- You want clarification?

I want to hear your side of the story.

I'll tell you my side of the story.

Interview's over. How about that?

Interview's over.

- Please, Young Bidness. - Done.

There's no need for the interview to be over.

Interview's over.

All y'all mother[bleep].

Young Bidness, there's no need for the language or any of this.

All y'all-- I told y'all mother[bleep]

I wasn't gonna talk about that.

Do you want to talk about the album?

'cause I'd be more than happy to talk about the album.

- This is the C-Word. - Mort.

It looks like it's well on its way to going platinum.

[bleep]-- Get the [bleep] away from me, [bleep].

Louis, Louis.

Well on its way to going platinum.

We can talk about this.

This [bleep] is tucked in here.

It's fine with me.

You want to talk about the album?

We can talk about the album.

How about Tanks of Truth?

Tanks of Truth-- is that a treatise

on the conflict with ISIS?

I mean, what-- talk to me about this.

What--

Young Bidness, please, I'm begging you.

Just sit down, take a deep breath,

and let's discuss.

- No. - Let's discuss the album.

It's done, Mort. It's done.

So...

You brought this on yourself, Mort.

- Young Bidness-- - You brought it on yourself.

Young Bidness, Young Bidness,

I would really love it if you had a seat,

and we could just talk together

about anything-- anything you want.

We don't--I won't mention Tina's name again.

Young Bidness.

How the [bleep]--

Youthful Commerce--

How does-- where does it go to?

Louis, help him.

No, get the [bleep]-- get the [bleep] off me, Louis.

Louis, go.

Leave it be.

You're exacerbating the situation.

This [bleep] attached to?

- It's probably-- - It's just a lot of slack.

The cord is blending in with the color of the carpet.

- So what--what-- - Okay, I just think that--

Young Bidness, why don't you drop the mic cable

and have a seat?

This is what we used to call back in the Army a FUBAR.

Let me just--okay, let me just tell you--

No, get-- don't get involved.

We have to get you out of here.

Amy, please, can we just get--

Listen-- Here, If you let go of it...

Let me get in there.

Don't get in it. Don't--See?

I'm trying to get around--

Don't step on my jacket!

$1,500 jacket, bitch.

Get--

Why do we have black cords and a black carpet?

All right, well, you mother[bleep]--

I told y'all I wasn't gonna-- Louis, I swear to [bleep] God!

We're gonna take care of it.

Just stay put.

Now you got--

Now I seemed to have gotten myself tangled in it.

Don't--you ain't--

Get off me, man.

Now it's just me.

Can I--may I help you?

Don't touch the jacket.

I'm sorry.

Look, okay, here's--

- Raise you knee. - There's one end right here.

- You got to get--Now-- - Hold on. I got bursitis.

You know what? Here.

Here's what we're gonna do.

Have a seat here. Put your fanny right here.

- Don't say "fanny." - There.

- There you go. - All right.

How you--You do it-- What, you do this--

Don't. You ain't taking the pants off.

Nicole, God damn it. Where is Jerry?

This is some [bleep] right here.

Same sound guy for 27 years,

and he vanishes into thin air.

All right, all right, no.

Nicole, for God's sake.

All right, Louis, Louis.

Hold that.

Don't do anything but hold that.

Okay, no, no. You got to put--

No, [bleep], you got to take--

No, you can't take the pants off over the shoes!

You can't take the pants off over the shoes!

Louis, Louis, get your white ass

out the mother[bleep].

You ain't helping nobody.

- All right, all right. - I'm taking the shoes off.

Okay, left one first. All right, well...

do whatever the [bleep] you want, then, [bleep], fine.

Thank you. One, two...

Thank you!

I told y'all I wasn't gonna talk about that [bleep]!

We'll be right back with Alec Baldwin.

(haunting Western music)

I'm not like one of those guys that's, like--

who wants a girl to call him "Daddy" or anything.

I don't like... (mumbling)

- (shudders) - Uncle is fine.

You know what I mean?

- Grandpa. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

(laughing)

- You know, this is the-- - Papi.

- Papi. - Abuelo.

You know? Just no--

Just-- Daddy is just--

That's weird. That's strange to me.

- That's strange to me. - It's weird.

That's strange to me.

Your Highness. These are the kind of--

Big boy.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Paul Bunyan.

I'll go for "babe."

Oh, hello.

(haunting Western music)

Do you think a girl would be disappointed if I got her

a ring that was diamonds made to look like

the Ghostbusters symbol?

Do not make me stop this car,

'cause I will stop this car and strand you

in the middle of the Mojave Desert.

I'm just asking a question.

That's the most--No.

That's the most ludicrous thing

I've ever heard you utter in my life.

That's what I mean. Well, I just--

Is that a thought that was in your mind?

I'm thinking something--

I mean, we both have to look at it

all the time,

so it's, like, you know--

She wants something that comes from my heart.

The Ghostbusters symbol--

that's just, like, the first thing--

Oh, Jordan.

Don't ever do that again.

Don't ever speak to me of diamond-encrusted

Ghostbusters symbols again, ever.

Buy that for you.

There you go.

Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me, sir.

Are you sitting in 26G?

Yes.

Have I done something wrong?

No, no, no, no, we just wanted to ask

if you would mind switching seats

so that a mother and a child could sit together.

But I'm back there.

Right, yeah, but you'd actually be sitting here...

(gentle harp flourish)

Which is in Economy Plus.

It's actually an upgrade.

Upgrade, you say.

Mm-hmm.

Economy Plus.

Yes, sir.

Oh.

Don't mind if I do.

Great, great. Carry-on?

Carry on yourself, Alex.

Thank you.

(classical music)

Economy Plus.

Mm, for the discerning passenger.

(chuckles)

(chuckles)

We're not in Kansas anymore, Toto.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

We should be leaving Topeka in the next ten minutes.

I stand corrected.

Looks like we're gonna have a smooth flight.

Trust me, I know the captain,

and he is, uh, one smooth guy.

- (scoffs) - (chuckles)

(laughing)

Of course he knows the captain.

He is the captain.

Oh-ho-ho! Ho! Oh!

Move over, Colin Mochrie.

There's a new face in the biz.

His name is Captain.

(laughing)

Have to be in Economy Plus to get it, I guess.

(sighs)

Extra foot room.

One inch at least.

Mm.

Sky Shoppe magazine.

(chuckles)

Don't mind if I do.

Oh, dog-eared for my convenience.

Lord of the Rings cups.

Lord of the Rings tables.

Oh. Oh!

Oh! Holy shiatsu massage!

(laughs) Economy Plus!

It hurts a little, but-- but I like it.

(crying)

Wrong spot.

(snoring)

(airplane rattling)

(thunder rumbling)

(thunder booms)

(suspenseful music)

(thunder booms)

Hmm.

And I thought I had an upgrade.

(haunting Western music)

(doorbell rings)

Hey, happy house-- What the [bleep]?

What?

You-- Hitler mustache.

What? No, no, no, no, dog.

No, this a Charlie Chaplin mustache.

You know Charlie Chaplin, right?

Yeah, I know Charlie Chaplin.

You know I'm a fan of silent-film comedy, right?

Yeah?

Well, come on, man!

Hitler ain't the only person who gets to have this mustache.

Yeah, I guess Michael Jordan had one, too, for a little bit.

Exactly, exactly, right?

And guess what. I'm not gonna let some monster

from the 20th century dictate fashion

for all of eternity, you know what I'm talking about?

Other people get to have this mustache if they want it.

All right, yeah, it just--

just kind of caught me off guard.

Okay, all right.

Oh, man, you crazy.

You got to take it easy, man.

This is my abode, brother.

(growls)

When did you get a German shepherd?

What, Adolph here?

Say what?

No, no.

No.

Not Adolf Hitler, okay?

Adolph Marx. Harpo.

I love the Marx Brothers. Why are you busting my chops?

- You know this. - Well, it's--

You know what?

You need to relax and take it easy, okay?

Everything is cool, man.

Let's crack these open, all right?

I'll show you the kitchen.

Kitchen's amazing, man.

The best part about this house is,

I got this thing for, like, $20,000--

Oh, no!

What?

Nope.

What, the swastika?

Yeah, the swastika.

This is a vintage comedy prop

from the movie The Producers, okay?

You saw The Producers,

the musical inside the musical.

Mel Brooks-- and they did a remake.

It had Nathan Lane and Matthew Broderick in it.

Nathan Lane was in the cut.

That's a symbol of hate, man.

You can't just hang that on your wall.

It's a comedy prop, man.

It's just like a rubber chicken.

It's not like a rubber chicken.

You need to relax.

You need to take it easy right now.

Have a beer, all right? Just sit down.

Fine.

I'm a big comedy fan. You like comedy, right?

Yeah, who doesn't like comedy?

Well, there's a lot of people who don't like comedy.

You know, there's a lot of people out there, dog,

straight up, who don't have a sense of humor, man.

- Yeah, that's true. - Right?

I mean, there are people who--

I'll go so far as to say-- are comedy haters.

(scoffs) All right.

But it'd just be better if, you know,

instead of putting each other down,

if all the comedy lovers got together

and found some-- somehow to organize

and do something about the comedy-hater problem.

Okay.

I have a proposition for you.

What if you were to be my second-in-command

in figuring out a way to get rid of all the comedy haters?

I was thinking what we could do is

put all of them in, like, one little small section of town,

and then we can demonize them in the media.

Nope.

You a Nazi.

What is going on?

All right, see you at work.

You ever had a friend who got into Phish?

Fun band. Good jam band.

But when dudes get into Phish,

they don't come back.

They don't come back. No, I've been there.

It's a bad drug.

Dudes start getting into, like--

"Man, so I went to--yeah, I went to that one concert.

"I got 'Weasel Face.'

"They did 'Bubble Trouble.'"

Oh, really?

"Straight into 'Sponge Head.'"

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

You're just like,

"[bleep], what's wrong with your [bleep] head?"

Well, and then, finally, I was like,

"All right, man. I'll go, I'll go.

"I'll go to this-- I'll go to this Phish show."

Cut to me 20 minutes in, talking about--

(imitates guitar music)

Ah! I'm getting a bobble head!

Who you gonna call? (laughs)

Hi. I'm Ray Parker, Jr.,

writer and performer of the Academy Award-nominated

hit single "Ghostbusters"

from the major motion picture Ghostbusters.

But that's just one song.

I've written so many other major motion picture theme songs

and submitted 'em throughout the years.

Now they're available and together

for one specially priced compilation.

Songs like...

You tried to play the game

But it's driving you insane

Jumanji

Danger in the jungle

Jumanji

There's a lion in my house

Come on, Mr. Computer

Throw me a bone

I said, Lawnmower Man

Get up off of my lawn

When Armageddon is near

You better get out of here

Looking like a deep impact

I ain't afraid of no 'stroid

Watch out behind you

That's where I'm gonna find you

Pelican brief

It's getting legal, y'all

These songs have only been heard by the highest level

of industry decision makers,

but now you can feel like a Hollywood executive

in your own home.

I'll see your face-off

Black guy walking around

It's a face-off

(chuckles)

That ain't even your face

Passion of the Christ

Get me down off of this cross

Passion of the Christ

You know, my daddy is the boss

Disturbia

That's not even a word

Gonna unnerve ya

Now, there's a whole lot of kinky

Bet that room is stinky

Fifty shades of Grey

(chuckles) All right, white people.

Who's a slave?

I'm not a slave

Uh-oh

Twelve years a slave

Whoops! (imitates whip crack)

There's one thing I know.

It's that persistence makes perfection.

Ha ha.

Sure, Hollywood missed out,

but that doesn't mean you have to.

Down in the basement

What's going on?

It's a apt pupil

There's a kid and a Nazi down there

Order now to receive your free copy

of Bobby Sings the Twos:

theme songs to sequels that were never made.

(haunting Western music)

What was the very first sketch we ever did?

I think we started with Bitch.

Did we start with Bitch?

Oh.

In history, I mean...

In that moment.

The greatest comedy

or otherwise show ever made.

Okay, well, I-I-- I do enjoy our show.

You think it's the best show ever made?

Pure classic.

It's us...

then, like, Dallas, then The Twilight Zone.

There's a list out there.

Key & Peele,

Dallas,

- Twilight Zone. - Just talking influential.

Huge. I'm a visionary.

I think that it's very possible, like,

we'll go down like the...

like the Wright brothers.

Like, they're gonna be--

It's gonna be one of these things where we're--

Am I--am I going too far?

- Am I overblowing it? - Overblowing it a little bit.

I really just wanted to know what the first scene was.

Oh.

(haunting Western music)

Vince, I, uh,

I have that quarterly analysis that you asked for.

I had a quarter of these nuts on your chin.

(clears throat) Right.

It's just that I wanted to review

some of these numbers with you.

It seems like our earnings are low

against our original projections.

These nuts were low against your chin.

You know, Vince,

if you ever need to talk to me about something,

I'm more than happy to listen.

These nuts would be more than happy to rest against your chin.

(sighs)

Hey, look, you've been doing this for about a week now,

and it was kind of funny at first.

These nuts were kind of funny against your chin.

Vince, I'm worried about you.

I was worried about these nuts on your chin.

Vince, seriously.

(sighs)

(whispering) These nuts were seriously on your chin.

Mr. Graham, I just got a call from St. Mary's Hospital,

and your parents were in a serious car accident.

I'm so sorry, but your mother is dead,

and your father is on life support.

These nuts were supporting life on your chin.

Oh, my God.

- Sorry, Amber. (door closes)

Vince, you got to stop it.

Your mother just passed away.

These nuts passed away on your chin.

No, they didn't. They didn't.

Vince, listen,

you got to leave here right now and go be with your dad.

This could be the last time that you get to see him.

This could be the last time I get to see my nuts on your--

God damn it, Vincent.

Your father might be dying.

These nuts might be dying on your chin.

God damn it, Vince!

Snap the [bleep] out of it!

Your mother is dead.

Right. You're right.

- You okay? - I'm okay.

You--you're back.

(whispering) I don't know what came over me.

- It's all right. - It was so good.

It was--it just--

It worked in every situation, and then it was--

I know. I know.

And it was always-- it was just so funny.

Well, it wasn't-- it wasn't that funny.

It was funny.

It really wasn't that funny, Vince.

It was... really funny.

I would not go so far as to say it was really funny, Vince.

It was funny.

But it wasn't.

It was.

It wasn't.

Agree to disagree.

- It was funny. - Okay.

- It was funny. - One more time.

I'm just gonna go on record

as saying it wasn't really that funny.

I'm gonna go see my dad.

It was funny.

It wasn't that funny.

(sweeping orchestration)

Dad. (breathing heavily)

Stay with me.

Dad, I love you.

(monitor beeping)

And I love...

these nuts on your chin.

(flatline)

(Dad's voice) These nuts on your chin.

(sobbing, wailing)

(haunting Western music)

This is all about Susie Diaz.

It's Suzie Diaz's party.

Susie Diaz is running the show. I'm just gonna show up.

If she needs me to bring beer or something,

I'm more than happy to do it.

Oh, dude. Oh, my God.

A woman just fainted. I'm gonna have to call you back.

Ma'am.

Ma'am.

Oh... Um...

(line ringing)

(ringing)

911. What is your emergency?

Yes, yeah. I'm at the corner of Fifth and Metropolitan,

and I just came up across this woman,

and she just-- she just passed out on the sidewalk here.

Okay. And is she responsive, sir?

Um...

(dramatic melody)

Okay, sir? Is she responsive?

Sir? Sir?

Um, no, she's--

- She's not responsive. - Sir, if you can hear me...

She's... beautiful.

That is not relevant to this emergency, sir.

An ambulance is on its way.

In the meantime, I need you to check her pulse.

Check her pulse. Right, check her pulse.

Okay.

(dramatic melody)

Does she have a pulse, sir?

Oh, she does,

but her skin is so soft.

Sir...

She doesn't have on a ton of makeup,

but she's the kind of girl

- that just doesn't need it. - Sir--

You can see that she put a lot of thought into her outfit,

but not like she's trying too hard.

She's perfect.

Sir, may I remind you

that you have not spoken a word to this woman?

I need you to see if she's breathing.

Is she breathing? Yeah, okay. Hold on.

Sir, I need you to stay on track.

Oh, God. Oh, God, she's not breathing!

The love of my life is not breathing.

You got to save my baby!

Do you know how to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation?

Yes, I do.

Okay. I need you to administer that now.

Okay, okay. (exhales sharply)

No, no. I ca-- I can't.

I can't do it. I can't-- I can't do it.

It just-- It's disrespectful.

I have to be respectful for her.

Sir, this is the only time it's okay to put your mouth

on an unconscious woman. Do it.

I just didn't picture it happening this way,

and there's butterflies in my stomach, and I'm just--

(hyperventilating) I don't want to mess this up.

- It's so rare to find-- - Sir, if you can hear me,

an ambulance is on its way.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry. - I need you to calm down.

- Oh, gosh, my head. - Sir?

- I'm so light-headed. - Sir, stay with me.

If this is what it feels like to be in love,

this is what it must feel like when you-- when you find the one.

Sir, are you there?

(busy signal beeping)

(sirens approaching)

Oh, God.

(phone beeping)

(line ringing)

(phone ringing)

911. What is your emergency?

There's an attractive, confident, well-to-do black man.

He just passed out right here on the street.

Okay. Ma'am, listen very carefully.

I'm going to need you to marry him.

O-okay.

Shouldn't I give him, like, mouth-to-mouth first?

Yeah, girl. Get you some.

Shoot.

(haunting Western music)

What would this country be like if black people--

say we were brought over as slaves,

and then early on, black people revolted, took over the country,

and said these evil mother[bleep] are now--

are the lower class, these slavers.

Do you know what'd happen then?

Then the song "Chocolate City" by Parliament Funkadelic

would be our national anthem.

- That's right. - That's what it would be.

And white people would have a song talking about vanillas.

"Vanilla Village."

Vanilla Village, where all the whites live

Here's my question to you.

Would, then...

white people being the oppressed race,

would they have the soul?

Would they have invented the blues?

Would there be black people who are trying to act cool

like white people called "blonkies"?

Man, look at these blonkies.

And you what the crazy thing is?

Barack Obama would still be president.

He would still be president.

Got some change?

Sorry, man. I ain't got nothing.

All right.

Hold it right there.

(car door closes) - Let's see some ID.

I wasn't even doing anything, man.

- Are you talking back to me? - No. I was just walking, man.

Look, there is no reason for you to get upset, sir.

- I'm not. I'm not. - All right, that's it.

- Put your hands on your head. - Put my hands on my--

Put your hands on your head, yes!

You had your chance.

Listen, man,

can I just ask you, like, politely, what it is that I did?

Think I was born yesterday?

- Come on, man, I-- - Get in the car.

Duck your head.

Oh!

Ah.

All right, officer.

I'll take it from here.

Well, hi, Wally. Good to see you.

He's all yours.

All right.

- What? - (chuckles)

- Y'all have a good night. - All right.

Thanks, man, but where are we going?

I'm glad you asked.

Follow me.

Through there? Aah!

- (grunts) - (laughs)

Whoa. Look at this place.

Where are we?

Just be patient, and I'll show you.

Your suit changed.

Follow me to a place I know

Where there ain't no pain, ain't no sorrow

It's a place to be if your skin is brown

I'm talking about Negrotown

Negrotown? What, like Atlanta?

(laughs) Almost.

Now, be quiet while I sing.

In Negrotown, you can walk the street

Without getting stopped, harassed, or beat

And there's always a cab when you need to get around

(horn honks)

- And they always stop

- In Negrotown

That's right.

I think I'm getting it.

It's like a utopia for black people.

Yeah. But seriously, shut the [bleep] up.

You won't get followed when you try to shop

(all) You can wear your hoodie and not get shot

No white folks to cross the street in fear

(all) No trigger-happy cops or scared cashiers

That loan application can't get turned down

You're always approved in Negrotown

This is amazing.

I know, right?

(women) We're going down to Negrotown

Where the strong black men are raining down

There's light-skinned, dark-skinned, every shade

And there's no white bitches to take them away

This sounds too good to be true.

It does, doesn't it?

But can a [bleep] finish a song?

Oh.

I mean, can a [bleep] finish?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

In Negrotown, you'll live long and well

There's no disease, no sickle cell

No stupid-ass white folks touching your hair

Or stealing your coats or claiming it's theirs

Hanging out in a group doesn't make you a gang

Every word that you say ain't considered slang

No one trying to get in on the latest trend

By making you their token black friend

It's a place where harmony is found

(all) It's a mother[bleep] black playground

Talking about Negrotown

(all) Talking about Negro, talking about Negro

Negro, Negro, Negro

Talking about Negrotown

Sir?

Sir?

Sir?

- Sir? - (groaning)

- What? - All right, get up.

(straining) Let's go. Get up.

Wait a sec. Wait. what--Hold on. What?

I thought I was going to Negrotown.

Oh, you are.

(haunting Western music)

- Can I give you an acting note? - Sure, yeah.

I mean 'cause, we're, you know, actors.

We need to get notes from one another.

- We need to grow. - Try acting a character

a little bit less.

(laughs)

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

(both laughing)

Whoo! Okay, here we go.

All right, I'm--

(laughing)

- I'm sorry. - Get it. Get it.

Get that laugh. Get it out.

This is, like, an exercise laugh.

Working them gigs.

Got to get them gigs.

Got to get them gigs.

(laughs) Okay, [bleep]--

[bleep] it! [bleep] it! I'm here. [bleep] this [bleep]!

(haunting Western music)

My name's Wendell, and I, too, am a sexual.

(laughter)

It is true, though.

(laughter)

- Oh, yeah. Thanks, man. - Did you just call me "man"?

That's how comfortable I am with you.

But if you were a guy, I'd still jam my fork

in those [bleep] roast beef--

(laughter)

Is there a Cyrano de Bergerac behind you?

I like how you're getting my side.

God, it's like you have three hands.

There it is.

(laughter)

No, Papi. No, Papi. No, Papi. No!

You're talking about no Papi?

(laughter)

I will skewer you with my dick!

Yeah?

- Oh, yeah! - I'll take it!

What else do you--

(laughter)

Destination wedding, baby-- Acapulco, June 27th.

All right.

(laughter)

I wish them terries would try to even think

about just dropping straight--

(laughing)

Ah, [bleep].

I'm gonna stay in this long, though.

And now I clinch.

Snap.

(laughter)

You snap that [bleep] dick off!

Oh! (laughs)

Hold on a second. I'm over here--

Wait a second. [bleep] got caught up.

I'm caught up. Hold up.

We were talking about breakfast.

(belches)

(laughter)

(whispering) So that's what I'm gonna do...

Mark with a K.

(laughter)

(haunting Western music)

- Is this the place? - This is the place.

(sighs)

(both) I said, "Bitch"!

- Oh! - (sighs)

- You want to go back? - Yeah. My girl's expecting me.

(haunting Western music)

Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com

I'm gonna do my one line here

Oh, yeah.

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0