All language subtitles for Key And Peele s05e07 MC Mom.eg

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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,119 --> 00:00:03,120 (indistinct chatter) 2 00:00:05,792 --> 00:00:08,676 (hip-hop music) 3 00:00:08,795 --> 00:00:12,298 4 00:00:21,237 --> 00:00:23,954 Man-- Forget this fool, man. He's fronting. 5 00:00:24,073 --> 00:00:27,741 Ain't no one here scared of you, you fake-ass gangster. 6 00:00:29,211 --> 00:00:32,746 Get your fake ass up out of here! 7 00:00:32,882 --> 00:00:37,301 You were scared for, like, a minute, though. 8 00:00:37,419 --> 00:00:39,005 This [bleep] eating his gun. 9 00:00:39,103 --> 00:00:43,088 10 00:00:44,927 --> 00:00:47,928 (imitating car hydraulics) 11 00:00:54,436 --> 00:00:56,487 What you looking at? 12 00:00:57,706 --> 00:01:00,574 (haunting Western music) 13 00:01:00,659 --> 00:01:04,288 14 00:01:20,258 --> 00:01:23,542 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 15 00:01:25,518 --> 00:01:27,184 Oh, my God. 16 00:01:27,303 --> 00:01:31,054 My mother is candid to a fault. 17 00:01:31,140 --> 00:01:33,390 I had a girlfriend in college, 18 00:01:33,781 --> 00:01:37,116 and she's like, "Well, have you had sex with that young woman?" 19 00:01:37,238 --> 00:01:40,137 Mother, I'd really rather not talk about it, if you don't mind. 20 00:01:40,209 --> 00:01:41,428 "Have you had sex-- I'm asking." 21 00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:43,617 "Well, my concern is that if she is a virgin 22 00:01:43,702 --> 00:01:46,737 and that-- you know, sometimes that can be painful." 23 00:01:46,822 --> 00:01:49,373 - Mother. - This is... 24 00:01:49,491 --> 00:01:52,409 "All I'm saying is, do you go around back? 25 00:01:52,494 --> 00:01:54,211 I'm asking you, do you go around the back?" 26 00:01:54,330 --> 00:01:55,212 No, Mom, I don't. 27 00:01:55,331 --> 00:01:56,663 I don't go around back. 28 00:01:57,054 --> 00:02:00,088 "Well, it's a surefire way to not get preggies." 29 00:02:00,122 --> 00:02:02,577 "Yep, as long as she's fine with it." 30 00:02:02,681 --> 00:02:03,554 Really? 31 00:02:03,593 --> 00:02:05,461 She just wants to open up the communication. 32 00:02:05,479 --> 00:02:07,929 It's-- I don't-- I don't want to open up anything. 33 00:02:08,030 --> 00:02:11,299 "And maybe--maybe that'll feel better for your peepee." 34 00:02:11,418 --> 00:02:12,300 Oh, God, please. 35 00:02:12,368 --> 00:02:14,001 "What kind of lube do you use?" 36 00:02:14,086 --> 00:02:16,617 Mother, nobody wants to talk about this at all. 37 00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:19,353 38 00:02:19,671 --> 00:02:20,988 - (laughter) - What you think it is? 39 00:02:21,073 --> 00:02:22,823 - Hey, what's up, y'all? - Ooh, dude! 40 00:02:23,108 --> 00:02:24,138 Hey, what you guys playing? 41 00:02:24,193 --> 00:02:25,839 Oh, nothing. Just a little DVD, right? 42 00:02:25,879 --> 00:02:26,993 - Mm-hmm. - What DVD? 43 00:02:27,079 --> 00:02:28,495 Uh, it came for you in the mail. 44 00:02:28,630 --> 00:02:31,915 It says, "To my fresh, dope son from MC Mom." 45 00:02:32,000 --> 00:02:33,250 (laughter) 46 00:02:33,335 --> 00:02:35,001 - I can't wait to see it. - Oh, no, no, no, no. 47 00:02:35,087 --> 00:02:36,419 (all) Hey, whoa! 48 00:02:36,505 --> 00:02:37,671 - Hey, hey, hey, hey. - No, please, guys, guys. 49 00:02:37,806 --> 00:02:39,256 If there's one thing we're gonna do today, 50 00:02:39,341 --> 00:02:40,473 we are playing that DVD. 51 00:02:40,559 --> 00:02:42,058 Come on. 52 00:02:42,177 --> 00:02:44,177 - Come on, man. - Oh, yeah. 53 00:02:44,263 --> 00:02:45,345 Oh, yes. 54 00:02:45,430 --> 00:02:47,347 Oh, God. Please, man. 55 00:02:47,432 --> 00:02:49,015 Did you produce this track? No, no, sit down. 56 00:02:49,151 --> 00:02:51,651 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. 57 00:02:51,737 --> 00:02:54,571 - Yo. - (laughter) 58 00:02:54,690 --> 00:02:55,939 - Got on the mom jeans. - Whoo! 59 00:02:56,024 --> 00:02:57,324 Look at the sweater. Look at the sweater. 60 00:02:57,409 --> 00:02:59,776 I'm the M to the C to the m-o-m 61 00:02:59,861 --> 00:03:01,328 And when it comes to mom rappers 62 00:03:01,413 --> 00:03:02,913 I'm the biggity best of them 63 00:03:03,031 --> 00:03:05,615 - Wow. - She-- Is she rapping? 64 00:03:05,701 --> 00:03:08,251 I'm sending out this rhyme to my homie number one 65 00:03:08,370 --> 00:03:11,922 His name's Carl Stewart, but to me he's just "Son" 66 00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:12,956 Word up. 67 00:03:13,041 --> 00:03:14,591 - Whoa! - Oh, my God. 68 00:03:14,673 --> 00:03:16,069 Okay, she got that running man down. 69 00:03:16,104 --> 00:03:17,961 - Look at Mom. - Can we please turn this off? 70 00:03:18,046 --> 00:03:19,012 - Oh, no, no. - He said turn it up. 71 00:03:19,097 --> 00:03:20,513 - Turn it up. - Turn it up. 72 00:03:20,599 --> 00:03:21,548 Turn up. 73 00:03:21,883 --> 00:03:23,216 You left some stuff behind 74 00:03:23,301 --> 00:03:24,584 That I can send you if you need 75 00:03:24,726 --> 00:03:27,354 Like your best friend Bear and your magazines 76 00:03:27,375 --> 00:03:28,755 I'm going through all this stuff 77 00:03:28,799 --> 00:03:30,340 But it looks pretty risky 78 00:03:30,425 --> 00:03:33,760 You use so much lotion, but your socks sure are crispy 79 00:03:33,845 --> 00:03:35,595 (laughter) 80 00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:36,813 Mom! 81 00:03:36,932 --> 00:03:38,264 - Come on, Mom! - Okay. 82 00:03:38,350 --> 00:03:40,817 I've been cleaning with the broom and the vacuum 83 00:03:40,936 --> 00:03:43,736 And found Victoria's Secret, and she's hiding in your room 84 00:03:43,822 --> 00:03:46,823 Every nook and cranny, there are wads of tissue 85 00:03:46,834 --> 00:03:49,359 I can't even open this swimsuit issue 86 00:03:49,444 --> 00:03:50,360 (laughter) 87 00:03:50,445 --> 00:03:52,362 Man, what--what is wrong with you, bro? 88 00:03:52,447 --> 00:03:53,872 I spilled a soda on that magazine. 89 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:54,983 Right. 90 00:03:55,010 --> 00:03:57,200 I'm getting your sheets so nice and clean 91 00:03:57,285 --> 00:03:59,919 Like when you wet your bed till you were 16 92 00:04:00,005 --> 00:04:01,004 - Mom, what? - I overreacted 93 00:04:01,122 --> 00:04:03,122 - Okay, okay. - Sorry I spanked you. 94 00:04:03,208 --> 00:04:05,792 Look, another crispy sock, no, thank you 95 00:04:05,877 --> 00:04:07,093 (all) Oh! - Why! 96 00:04:07,179 --> 00:04:08,044 - No. - She sniffed. 97 00:04:08,129 --> 00:04:09,262 That is wrong. 98 00:04:09,347 --> 00:04:11,297 How many crispy socks she gonna find, dog? 99 00:04:11,383 --> 00:04:12,799 Crispy socks here 100 00:04:12,884 --> 00:04:14,184 Crispy socks there 101 00:04:14,302 --> 00:04:16,352 Crispy socks with some mystery hair 102 00:04:16,471 --> 00:04:17,303 We're gonna turn it off right now. 103 00:04:17,439 --> 00:04:18,354 Come on, you guys. Come on. 104 00:04:18,473 --> 00:04:20,640 We started it. We gonna finish it. 105 00:04:22,194 --> 00:04:23,109 (faster tempo) 106 00:04:23,195 --> 00:04:25,895 Oh. Oh, the beat changed up. 107 00:04:25,981 --> 00:04:27,146 (clears throat) 108 00:04:27,232 --> 00:04:28,698 I got the kitchen and the basement 109 00:04:28,817 --> 00:04:29,866 And the living room 110 00:04:29,985 --> 00:04:31,367 And since your dad met that bitch 111 00:04:31,486 --> 00:04:32,735 I got his office too 112 00:04:32,821 --> 00:04:35,154 Got my juices going, my rhymes flowing 113 00:04:35,290 --> 00:04:37,540 My breath blowing, showing no signs of slowing 114 00:04:37,659 --> 00:04:39,209 I can feel my skills growing 115 00:04:39,327 --> 00:04:41,127 Took a little practice to crack this 116 00:04:41,213 --> 00:04:42,545 These lyrical gymnastics 117 00:04:42,664 --> 00:04:44,380 But now the fact is queen bee 118 00:04:44,499 --> 00:04:46,749 I'ma be throwing out your [bleep] mattress 119 00:04:46,835 --> 00:04:48,968 Hell yeah, baddest bitch in the biz 120 00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:50,336 Taking this show on the road 121 00:04:50,422 --> 00:04:52,672 You can clean up your own jizz, [bleep] 122 00:04:52,757 --> 00:04:55,058 Peace. 123 00:04:56,761 --> 00:04:59,646 (all) Oh! 124 00:04:59,731 --> 00:05:02,015 - Man! - Yo, yo, MC Mom... 125 00:05:02,150 --> 00:05:06,019 (all) Put the pussy on the chainwax! Ah! 126 00:05:08,657 --> 00:05:11,024 (haunting Western music) 127 00:05:14,312 --> 00:05:15,910 Excuse me, big man, big man, big man? 128 00:05:15,931 --> 00:05:17,063 Excuse me, big man, though. 129 00:05:17,149 --> 00:05:18,453 But big man. Okay, God bless you. 130 00:05:18,483 --> 00:05:19,566 I'll catch you on the up flip. 131 00:05:19,651 --> 00:05:21,851 Thank you, big man. Thank you, big man. 132 00:05:21,937 --> 00:05:22,852 (chuckles) 133 00:05:22,938 --> 00:05:24,154 - Hey, brother. - Hey. 134 00:05:24,272 --> 00:05:25,989 Can I ask you a question real quick though, brother man? 135 00:05:26,107 --> 00:05:27,157 Oh, see, that's good 'cause I was about 136 00:05:27,275 --> 00:05:28,441 to ask you a question right quick. 137 00:05:28,527 --> 00:05:29,609 Okay, so here's the deal, man. Crazy thing. 138 00:05:29,694 --> 00:05:31,661 My car ran out of gas about a mile up the road. 139 00:05:31,780 --> 00:05:33,696 That's why I was wondering if I could get a little bit of money, 140 00:05:33,782 --> 00:05:35,198 you know, just get a couple of gallons. 141 00:05:35,283 --> 00:05:36,607 Oh, that's crazy, 'cause you know what? 142 00:05:36,618 --> 00:05:40,003 This-- My car had also broke down right up the road. 143 00:05:40,121 --> 00:05:41,788 I got my daughter here. She five. 144 00:05:41,873 --> 00:05:43,062 - Okay-- Oh, oh. - She sleeping in the car. 145 00:05:43,124 --> 00:05:44,290 I got to get back to her real quick. 146 00:05:44,322 --> 00:05:46,042 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. - So if you could help me out. 147 00:05:46,127 --> 00:05:47,731 Pssh, I was gonna ask you if you could help me. 148 00:05:47,796 --> 00:05:49,012 Oh--oh, okay. 149 00:05:49,039 --> 00:05:50,819 Let me just give you my wallet out here and show you my ID 150 00:05:50,849 --> 00:05:53,016 to let you know that I am straight up legits real. 151 00:05:53,080 --> 00:05:54,772 I ain't trying-- trying to do nothing to nobody, okay. 152 00:05:54,803 --> 00:05:56,636 Okay, on the issue of legitimacy, 153 00:05:56,679 --> 00:05:58,110 - I too have an identification. - Okay. 154 00:05:58,139 --> 00:06:00,773 That's a employee ID from Borders bookstore. 155 00:06:00,787 --> 00:06:02,040 You see right here, I got my Bally's 156 00:06:02,054 --> 00:06:03,114 Total Fitness ID right there. 157 00:06:03,144 --> 00:06:04,212 Okay, okay. 158 00:06:04,244 --> 00:06:05,764 Shows you that I stay fit and conscientious and whatnot. 159 00:06:05,814 --> 00:06:07,756 You'll also notice that these other IDs I have in my hand 160 00:06:07,782 --> 00:06:09,449 have the same name on it, which makes you know 161 00:06:09,534 --> 00:06:10,450 that it is indeed me. 162 00:06:10,535 --> 00:06:11,784 Right there, okay. 163 00:06:11,870 --> 00:06:13,987 Okay, I too have multiple IDs, crescendoing in this. 164 00:06:14,072 --> 00:06:16,039 Dun da-da da. Yogurtland punch card. 165 00:06:16,049 --> 00:06:17,132 Okay, yeah, I see that right there. 166 00:06:17,158 --> 00:06:18,291 You see that right there. 167 00:06:18,323 --> 00:06:19,528 That is almost my ninth purchase, apparently, 168 00:06:19,578 --> 00:06:20,493 and you can't fake that. 169 00:06:20,579 --> 00:06:21,494 You get a free ten ounce yogurt for that. 170 00:06:21,580 --> 00:06:22,795 - Yeah, all right. - All right. 171 00:06:22,881 --> 00:06:24,998 So normally I would not ask another person for assistance, 172 00:06:25,083 --> 00:06:27,634 but our-- our-- our family is in a fiduciary crisis right now. 173 00:06:27,719 --> 00:06:28,635 Yeah. 174 00:06:28,648 --> 00:06:29,946 My wife is languishing in the hospital. 175 00:06:29,971 --> 00:06:31,170 She a construction worker, 176 00:06:31,235 --> 00:06:32,726 and what happened is she got struck in the face 177 00:06:32,757 --> 00:06:33,890 by a power line. 178 00:06:33,936 --> 00:06:35,664 Fried her whole head up. Burnt both her eyeballs out. 179 00:06:35,677 --> 00:06:38,061 She's getting eyeball replacement surgery as we speak. 180 00:06:38,179 --> 00:06:40,346 Oh, see, I also have a spousal injury crisis 181 00:06:40,482 --> 00:06:41,347 on my midst as well. 182 00:06:41,483 --> 00:06:42,432 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 183 00:06:42,517 --> 00:06:43,816 My wife was in the astronaut program, 184 00:06:43,902 --> 00:06:45,351 making her a full-fledged astronaut. 185 00:06:45,487 --> 00:06:46,519 Okay, impressive. 186 00:06:46,584 --> 00:06:48,187 And she had gotten moon dust in her lungs. 187 00:06:48,218 --> 00:06:49,272 Inhaled, you don't wanna get-- 188 00:06:49,284 --> 00:06:50,440 That's never good. It's never good. 189 00:06:50,525 --> 00:06:51,741 - You don't want that. - Nah, nah. 190 00:06:51,860 --> 00:06:53,860 So maybe we could find a ATM or something like that. 191 00:06:53,891 --> 00:06:54,953 Okay, so where-- yeah, perhaps if you-- 192 00:06:54,996 --> 00:06:56,195 Oh, look, that's one over there. 193 00:06:56,281 --> 00:06:57,196 - Oh, my gosh. - That's a ATM. 194 00:06:57,332 --> 00:06:58,331 What's-- What's the chances of it? 195 00:06:58,416 --> 00:06:59,282 Let's go to that ATM. 196 00:06:59,367 --> 00:07:00,366 We should probably check that out. 197 00:07:00,502 --> 00:07:01,367 Yeah, let's just take a look right there. 198 00:07:01,503 --> 00:07:02,418 Oh, stay with me, brother. 199 00:07:02,537 --> 00:07:03,703 - Here we are. - Why, here we are. 200 00:07:03,838 --> 00:07:06,039 ATM machines that I did not know previously were here. 201 00:07:06,124 --> 00:07:07,457 All right. Two of them, no less. 202 00:07:07,542 --> 00:07:09,092 I'll tell you what we should do, though, man. 203 00:07:09,118 --> 00:07:10,317 - All right. - You give me the $20, okay. 204 00:07:10,378 --> 00:07:11,427 Yeah. 205 00:07:11,475 --> 00:07:12,501 I'll give you the $3 that's on my person. 206 00:07:12,547 --> 00:07:13,429 Yes? 207 00:07:13,474 --> 00:07:14,764 Then I will give you the $17 after. 208 00:07:14,883 --> 00:07:16,132 Then you give me that $17. 209 00:07:16,217 --> 00:07:18,968 I'll cut you a check for $100 just to cover that. 210 00:07:19,054 --> 00:07:20,720 You give me the change in cash. 211 00:07:20,855 --> 00:07:22,722 - Okay, okay, I feel that. - Why am I playing? 212 00:07:22,807 --> 00:07:24,974 I'm just gonna give you my ATM card so you know I'm legit. 213 00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:26,225 Sure, sure. Of course, of course. 214 00:07:26,311 --> 00:07:27,810 I'm gonna give you my ATM card so we both 215 00:07:27,896 --> 00:07:30,113 have something of value from the other person. 216 00:07:30,231 --> 00:07:33,650 All right. 217 00:07:33,735 --> 00:07:34,734 And your code is? 218 00:07:34,869 --> 00:07:37,287 It is 1...234. And yours, sir? 219 00:07:37,405 --> 00:07:39,739 - 1235. - Thank you. 220 00:07:39,874 --> 00:07:43,459 (ATMs buzzing and beeping) 221 00:07:48,667 --> 00:07:50,717 Could that-- That is a Ralph's rewards card. 222 00:07:50,802 --> 00:07:52,552 Okay, that is a credit card placeholder 223 00:07:52,637 --> 00:07:57,256 you would find in a translucent sleeve in a brand new wallet. 224 00:08:00,845 --> 00:08:02,077 - Hey, excuse me, big man. - Hey, big man? 225 00:08:02,201 --> 00:08:03,284 Big man? - Hey, right quick, right quick. 226 00:08:03,349 --> 00:08:04,413 Can I ask you a question, biggest of men? 227 00:08:04,432 --> 00:08:05,431 I got a question right quick. 228 00:08:08,863 --> 00:08:10,590 As Don's week in the warehouse 229 00:08:10,630 --> 00:08:12,256 was wrapping up, it was time 230 00:08:12,286 --> 00:08:13,876 to come clean with his employees. 231 00:08:13,917 --> 00:08:15,967 Actually, everybody, uh, 232 00:08:16,086 --> 00:08:17,385 I've got an announcement to make. 233 00:08:17,470 --> 00:08:19,137 Don't nobody want to hear your bull[bleep], newbie. 234 00:08:19,255 --> 00:08:20,888 - Okay. - Don't nobody want to hear it! 235 00:08:20,974 --> 00:08:22,557 I think you will care about this one, 236 00:08:22,642 --> 00:08:24,258 so gather around. 237 00:08:24,394 --> 00:08:26,177 I'm not actually a new employee. 238 00:08:26,262 --> 00:08:27,345 You could say that again. 239 00:08:27,430 --> 00:08:29,097 You a waste of space, as far as I'm concerned. 240 00:08:29,182 --> 00:08:30,431 Can't get nothing done on time. 241 00:08:30,567 --> 00:08:34,068 Like a--like a snail over here. 242 00:08:34,154 --> 00:08:39,407 I am actually president of the company. 243 00:08:39,492 --> 00:08:41,776 You're on Undercover Boss. 244 00:08:41,861 --> 00:08:43,828 - What? - The TV show, yeah. 245 00:08:43,947 --> 00:08:45,279 - What? - Wow. 246 00:08:45,318 --> 00:08:46,730 In this week 247 00:08:46,915 --> 00:08:50,334 since I've been working here amongst you, 248 00:08:50,453 --> 00:08:53,771 I got to hear each and every one of your stories, 249 00:08:53,902 --> 00:08:55,396 just about, 250 00:08:55,542 --> 00:08:57,175 and, uh, I... 251 00:08:57,293 --> 00:08:58,376 You know I was just playing, right? 252 00:08:58,461 --> 00:09:00,211 You know I-- I was just trying to lighten the mood 253 00:09:00,296 --> 00:09:01,546 in the workplace and whatnot, you know. 254 00:09:01,631 --> 00:09:02,847 Thank you, Joseph. 255 00:09:02,966 --> 00:09:04,831 Bill. 256 00:09:05,218 --> 00:09:08,219 Buddy, you were telling me that your car broke down, 257 00:09:08,304 --> 00:09:10,054 and it hasn't been working right ever since. 258 00:09:10,140 --> 00:09:12,258 Well, I want to get you a new Ford Explorer. 259 00:09:13,643 --> 00:09:15,643 Oh, my God. Thank--thank you so much, Mark. 260 00:09:15,779 --> 00:09:18,362 That means so much to me. 261 00:09:18,481 --> 00:09:20,231 My whole family died in one day. 262 00:09:20,316 --> 00:09:21,482 - Joseph. - Thank you. 263 00:09:21,618 --> 00:09:23,618 Huge car crash. Huge, man. 264 00:09:23,703 --> 00:09:25,486 We were having a family picnic, and then this truck 265 00:09:25,622 --> 00:09:27,655 just came on through and just killed everybody. 266 00:09:27,740 --> 00:09:28,906 It chopped everybody's heads off. 267 00:09:28,992 --> 00:09:32,376 Eleanore, you were worried that you were not going 268 00:09:32,495 --> 00:09:34,796 to be able to afford college for your two--two boys, 269 00:09:34,881 --> 00:09:38,382 and I'm starting a college fund for them both. 270 00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:41,719 Putting $10,000 in each one of them. 271 00:09:41,838 --> 00:09:44,806 This is amazing. I'm so grateful. 272 00:09:44,891 --> 00:09:45,973 You know, I-I can't make no family anymore 273 00:09:46,059 --> 00:09:47,809 'cause my dick got chopped up in the accident-- 274 00:09:47,894 --> 00:09:49,594 - Joseph, Joseph. - And now I pee out the side. 275 00:09:49,679 --> 00:09:50,895 Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night. 276 00:09:51,014 --> 00:09:52,647 I just-- I start to pee. 277 00:09:52,732 --> 00:09:53,681 Right in my mouth. 278 00:09:53,817 --> 00:09:54,765 Oh, Joseph, that's disgusting. 279 00:09:54,785 --> 00:09:55,966 Sometimes poop come out the other side. 280 00:09:56,019 --> 00:09:57,268 - I don't even know why that-- - Joseph. 281 00:09:57,353 --> 00:09:58,903 My dick is in eight pieces. 282 00:09:59,022 --> 00:09:59,937 Joseph. Okay, you know-- 283 00:10:00,023 --> 00:10:01,239 If you could just give me a raise. 284 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,440 I ain't asking for no kind of scholarships or nothing. 285 00:10:02,525 --> 00:10:03,524 Okay, you know, Joseph, I'm gonna get-- 286 00:10:03,660 --> 00:10:04,692 I'm gonna go-- get to you right now. 287 00:10:04,699 --> 00:10:05,827 Okay, dude, did I mention I was a prostitute 288 00:10:05,912 --> 00:10:07,328 since the age of 17? 15-- 10? 289 00:10:07,413 --> 00:10:08,329 No, Joseph. Joseph. 290 00:10:08,414 --> 00:10:09,580 7-- 3-- been a prostitute since I was 3. 291 00:10:09,699 --> 00:10:10,615 Joseph, Joseph-- 292 00:10:10,648 --> 00:10:11,682 I was in-- I was a prostitute in the womb. 293 00:10:11,701 --> 00:10:12,750 Joseph. 294 00:10:12,869 --> 00:10:14,452 A dude put his peepee in my--in my mama, 295 00:10:14,473 --> 00:10:15,670 and it got inside of me, and then-- 296 00:10:15,703 --> 00:10:16,621 and then they gave me money. 297 00:10:16,706 --> 00:10:17,705 Joseph. 298 00:10:17,790 --> 00:10:19,090 Just please, man. Just give me a raise. 299 00:10:19,209 --> 00:10:21,926 Joseph, you have been rude to me since the moment I came here. 300 00:10:22,045 --> 00:10:23,010 Come on, man. 301 00:10:23,096 --> 00:10:24,428 I mean, I was playing with you, dog. 302 00:10:24,547 --> 00:10:26,264 I knew you was the boss the whole time, man. 303 00:10:26,382 --> 00:10:27,582 Look at this fake ass mustache. 304 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:29,517 Ow--that's my real mustache, Joseph. 305 00:10:29,602 --> 00:10:32,770 That really hurt. 306 00:10:32,889 --> 00:10:34,138 You're fired. 307 00:10:34,224 --> 00:10:35,189 Get out of here. 308 00:10:35,275 --> 00:10:36,557 Can I stay and watch? 309 00:10:36,693 --> 00:10:38,309 Get out of here. 310 00:10:38,342 --> 00:10:39,653 I got a rare-- I got a rare condition 311 00:10:39,696 --> 00:10:40,561 that make me unlikable. 312 00:10:40,647 --> 00:10:41,562 No, you don't, Joseph. 313 00:10:41,698 --> 00:10:42,563 Lance? 314 00:10:42,596 --> 00:10:43,784 Lance, you been in the urinal with me. 315 00:10:43,816 --> 00:10:44,866 You see me in the urinal. 316 00:10:44,951 --> 00:10:46,200 Lance, I am sorry, but do not engage him. 317 00:10:46,286 --> 00:10:47,451 Tell him-- Tell him my dick in three pieces. 318 00:10:47,493 --> 00:10:48,703 Joseph, leave Lance alone. 319 00:10:48,788 --> 00:10:50,154 It's true, so they give me a little bit of money. 320 00:10:50,240 --> 00:10:51,739 - No, it's not gonna happen. - Can I have a-- 321 00:10:51,824 --> 00:10:53,374 Joseph? 322 00:10:53,459 --> 00:10:54,375 He did--he did-- 323 00:10:54,460 --> 00:10:56,744 Joseph, leave Norman out of this. 324 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:57,828 Who's Norman? 325 00:10:57,914 --> 00:10:59,497 - The foreman. - Norman the foreman? 326 00:10:59,582 --> 00:11:02,133 That's his name. 327 00:11:02,252 --> 00:11:03,672 I know that. 328 00:11:03,981 --> 00:11:05,253 I work intimately with him. 329 00:11:05,338 --> 00:11:06,837 No, you don't, you're fired. 330 00:11:06,923 --> 00:11:07,922 All right. Go on. 331 00:11:08,057 --> 00:11:09,924 All right, out the door with you, Joseph. 332 00:11:09,993 --> 00:11:12,258 I am sorry about that. 333 00:11:12,808 --> 00:11:15,592 Is he gone? 334 00:11:15,848 --> 00:11:17,960 Okay, uh, Betty... 335 00:11:19,718 --> 00:11:23,086 When you told me that your father passed away, 336 00:11:23,273 --> 00:11:25,606 it hit me because my father passed away. 337 00:11:25,692 --> 00:11:27,043 But my dick got chopped up, though! 338 00:11:27,089 --> 00:11:27,942 Joseph! 339 00:11:28,015 --> 00:11:28,943 My dick got chopped up. 340 00:11:28,964 --> 00:11:30,169 That is so disrespectful, Joseph. 341 00:11:30,203 --> 00:11:31,946 What are you doing? I thought you left, Joseph. 342 00:11:32,018 --> 00:11:33,614 Like gristle off a Thanksgiving turkey. 343 00:11:33,650 --> 00:11:35,533 - You're lying, and I don't-- - I got a gristle dick. 344 00:11:35,580 --> 00:11:37,451 Joseph, that's wildly inappropriate. 345 00:11:37,587 --> 00:11:38,869 Straight meat gristle. 346 00:11:38,904 --> 00:11:40,421 It's hanging out here right here, right now. 347 00:11:40,506 --> 00:11:42,206 - You can't see it. - Joseph! 348 00:11:42,292 --> 00:11:43,624 Coming up. 349 00:11:43,710 --> 00:11:45,293 We have so many siblings, 350 00:11:45,293 --> 00:11:46,534 and just to know 351 00:11:46,689 --> 00:11:50,303 that we both share a familial bond 352 00:11:50,403 --> 00:11:52,550 and that there's nothing that can take that away. 353 00:11:52,597 --> 00:11:53,551 But my dick got chopped up, though. 354 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,110 Joseph! 355 00:11:55,166 --> 00:11:56,408 Where-- How did you...? 356 00:12:03,696 --> 00:12:06,948 Now, are you still on the reality show bandwagon? 357 00:12:07,014 --> 00:12:08,699 It's not a bandwagon. It's a way of life. 358 00:12:08,785 --> 00:12:09,917 Oh, boy. 359 00:12:10,003 --> 00:12:11,252 Bachelor. 360 00:12:11,337 --> 00:12:12,920 Ro-- Challenge. 361 00:12:13,006 --> 00:12:14,505 - See, that's what's not real. - It's not real, I mean-- 362 00:12:14,624 --> 00:12:17,091 Nothing's real as soon as the camera appears. 363 00:12:17,177 --> 00:12:19,260 I mean, you and I, we're out here on the road by ourselves. 364 00:12:19,345 --> 00:12:20,211 This is real. 365 00:12:20,296 --> 00:12:21,462 This is a different thing. 366 00:12:21,548 --> 00:12:22,880 - We're real. - We're doing something. 367 00:12:22,966 --> 00:12:25,299 You're here, those-- that scrub brush out there is real. 368 00:12:25,435 --> 00:12:26,934 You can smell the... 369 00:12:27,020 --> 00:12:28,136 The dirt of the road. 370 00:12:28,271 --> 00:12:29,720 - Sandy air. - This is real. 371 00:12:29,806 --> 00:12:31,889 This is real, what's happening right now. 372 00:12:31,975 --> 00:12:33,724 Mm-hmm. 373 00:12:40,480 --> 00:12:43,598 I think we're both going to have-- You know, 374 00:12:43,683 --> 00:12:46,901 when Key and Peele's over, we both have our solo careers. 375 00:12:46,987 --> 00:12:48,436 Yeah, but we'll come back in. 376 00:12:48,521 --> 00:12:49,687 We'll come back in every now and then. 377 00:12:49,773 --> 00:12:50,905 Do a little Key and Peele-- Pepper that little 378 00:12:50,991 --> 00:12:52,106 Key and Peele-- Stoice it back out, come back in, 379 00:12:52,192 --> 00:12:53,441 a little Key and Peele. 380 00:12:53,526 --> 00:12:55,243 But I think-- Well, obviously we're gonna both have success 381 00:12:55,328 --> 00:12:56,194 in our own... 382 00:12:56,279 --> 00:12:57,412 Right. 383 00:12:57,497 --> 00:12:58,413 Right, you know, we're just gonna be a regular, 384 00:12:58,498 --> 00:13:00,832 you know, Simon and Garfunkel. 385 00:13:00,951 --> 00:13:02,033 How's that again? 386 00:13:02,118 --> 00:13:03,701 Oh, yeah, I get--oh, like Simon and Garfunkel? 387 00:13:03,787 --> 00:13:05,787 No--nnn, kind of, but I'm-- 388 00:13:05,825 --> 00:13:07,005 I'm thinking, like, our solo careers are like-- 389 00:13:07,123 --> 00:13:08,289 (both) Simon, Garfunkel. 390 00:13:08,375 --> 00:13:09,791 Right, I got you. 391 00:13:09,829 --> 00:13:12,927 No, I think we're agreeing, so like, I--I would be Simon, 392 00:13:13,013 --> 00:13:14,090 and you would be Garfunkel. 393 00:13:14,130 --> 00:13:15,013 Garfunkel. Simon. 394 00:13:15,131 --> 00:13:16,130 I think we're--we're just-- 395 00:13:16,216 --> 00:13:17,348 No, no. No, no, what I'm saying is... 396 00:13:17,390 --> 00:13:18,683 I mean, we're basically saying the same thing. 397 00:13:18,724 --> 00:13:20,301 It would be like--like, you would be Art Garfunkel, 398 00:13:20,343 --> 00:13:23,688 and I'd be Simon-- Paul Simon, so. 399 00:13:23,807 --> 00:13:24,856 It's like-- 400 00:13:24,975 --> 00:13:26,441 Well, that's--maybe that's a bad example. 401 00:13:26,526 --> 00:13:28,226 Maybe that's a bad--but you know, like, as far as, 402 00:13:28,311 --> 00:13:29,227 like, going down in history. 403 00:13:29,312 --> 00:13:30,278 It's--we'd be like--yeah. 404 00:13:30,363 --> 00:13:31,312 Going down in history be like-- 405 00:13:31,355 --> 00:13:32,313 I'm Lucille Ball, you're Desi. 406 00:13:32,449 --> 00:13:33,314 I'm Desi--I'm Lucille, 407 00:13:33,450 --> 00:13:34,449 but you're Desi Arnaz. 408 00:13:34,472 --> 00:13:36,451 Okay. Like, I'm Elvis the pelvis. 409 00:13:36,536 --> 00:13:38,486 - Mm-hmm. - You're his brother, Enis. 410 00:13:38,571 --> 00:13:40,455 With a curl. What? 411 00:13:40,540 --> 00:13:42,407 I don't even know who Enis Presley is. 412 00:13:42,492 --> 00:13:44,092 You know his nickname was? 413 00:13:44,194 --> 00:13:45,243 Yeah. 414 00:13:45,328 --> 00:13:47,662 I'm thinking Scott Baio and... 415 00:13:47,797 --> 00:13:52,083 (both) Willie Aames. 416 00:13:52,168 --> 00:13:54,502 I guess there's no real winner there, is there? 417 00:13:54,587 --> 00:13:56,087 Well played. 418 00:14:02,929 --> 00:14:05,229 Here's your coffee. 419 00:14:05,348 --> 00:14:08,850 Hey, man, I just have to say, I am a huge fan. 420 00:14:08,935 --> 00:14:11,019 Outkast, like, changed my life. 421 00:14:11,104 --> 00:14:12,270 Yeah, yeah. Thanks, man. 422 00:14:12,355 --> 00:14:15,077 So are you gonna collaborate with Andr? 3000 again? 423 00:14:17,193 --> 00:14:18,609 Nah. 424 00:14:18,695 --> 00:14:20,778 How come? 425 00:14:20,864 --> 00:14:23,031 People grow apart. 426 00:14:30,290 --> 00:14:31,956 Greetings. 427 00:14:32,042 --> 00:14:35,126 May I have a half-caff decaf mint mocha latte, 428 00:14:35,211 --> 00:14:36,961 foam on the bottom, served in a flower vase, 429 00:14:37,047 --> 00:14:38,491 and if y'all got some green food coloring 430 00:14:38,515 --> 00:14:40,131 back there, throw it in. 431 00:14:40,216 --> 00:14:41,382 Andr? 3000! 432 00:14:41,518 --> 00:14:42,383 In the flesh. 433 00:14:42,519 --> 00:14:43,801 Big Boi is right over there. 434 00:14:43,887 --> 00:14:46,304 - (gasping dramatically) - Big Boi! 435 00:14:46,389 --> 00:14:47,939 Bitch, I'm trying to read a book. 436 00:14:48,058 --> 00:14:50,274 Big Boi! 437 00:14:50,393 --> 00:14:53,728 What's up, my brother from another mother, man? 438 00:14:53,770 --> 00:14:55,961 Hey, when I say mother, you know I'm talking about art, right, 439 00:14:55,982 --> 00:14:58,032 'cause we got cut out of her womb linked together. 440 00:14:58,118 --> 00:15:00,818 What's up, man? What's up, Andr?? 441 00:15:00,904 --> 00:15:03,237 Andr? who? 442 00:15:03,323 --> 00:15:04,739 I ain't gonna say it, man. 443 00:15:04,874 --> 00:15:08,743 It's not 2,999. 444 00:15:08,878 --> 00:15:11,079 It's not 3,001. - Andr? 3000. 445 00:15:11,164 --> 00:15:12,997 Hey, man, what happened to you after the show? 446 00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:14,966 Yeah, um. 447 00:15:15,085 --> 00:15:17,752 I just-- I must have, like, snuck out or something like that. 448 00:15:17,809 --> 00:15:21,174 (in English accent) I thought perchance you went missing. 449 00:15:21,841 --> 00:15:23,224 Don't do the voices, man. 450 00:15:23,309 --> 00:15:24,509 Do what voice, my dear boy? 451 00:15:24,548 --> 00:15:26,260 Why do you-- Why do you got to do the voices, man? 452 00:15:26,346 --> 00:15:28,262 Why you doing the voices? Why you doing that, man? 453 00:15:28,348 --> 00:15:31,232 One green half-caff half decaf mint mocha latte, 454 00:15:31,317 --> 00:15:33,017 foam on the bottom, in a vase? 455 00:15:33,103 --> 00:15:35,069 I got a new idea for a album, man. 456 00:15:35,155 --> 00:15:37,772 It's gonna be just the sound of screeching metal, 457 00:15:37,857 --> 00:15:40,525 and then only one spoken word per track. 458 00:15:40,610 --> 00:15:41,576 - Cool, cool. - Yeah. 459 00:15:41,661 --> 00:15:47,031 (high pitched squeals) 460 00:15:47,117 --> 00:15:48,616 That's my new screeching metal sounds 461 00:15:48,643 --> 00:15:50,035 I was talking about earlier, man. 462 00:15:50,091 --> 00:15:52,453 One green half-caff half decaf mint mocha latte, 463 00:15:52,589 --> 00:15:55,623 foam on the bottom, in a vase or "vahz." 464 00:15:55,758 --> 00:15:56,874 You ain't hear? 465 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,126 That-- That's your-- [bleep]-- That's-- 466 00:15:58,211 --> 00:16:00,128 you the only [bleep] that ever order that drink. 467 00:16:00,213 --> 00:16:02,013 Yeah, okay, so what is going on with me? 468 00:16:02,132 --> 00:16:03,014 What is happening with me? 469 00:16:03,133 --> 00:16:06,767 Man, what the [bleep] happened, man? 470 00:16:06,853 --> 00:16:09,303 - What are you talking about? - We used to be somebody, man. 471 00:16:09,389 --> 00:16:10,438 We used to be a team. 472 00:16:10,523 --> 00:16:12,140 We was on top. 473 00:16:12,225 --> 00:16:15,158 Then you went and lost your [bleep] mind. 474 00:16:22,819 --> 00:16:24,068 Can we just lose this, man? 475 00:16:24,154 --> 00:16:27,655 Can we just lose the 3000 and just have you talk as Andr?? 476 00:16:27,740 --> 00:16:30,454 Tell me-- Tell me straight up, man, what happened? 477 00:16:31,995 --> 00:16:34,735 You know what be even better, though, man? 478 00:16:36,201 --> 00:16:38,416 Is if you looked into the pinwheel with your third eye. 479 00:16:38,454 --> 00:16:40,348 I thought you was gonna say some stupid [bleep] like that. 480 00:16:40,386 --> 00:16:41,752 And everything will be revealed. 481 00:16:41,838 --> 00:16:43,387 All right, man. It's been good, man, thank you. 482 00:16:43,413 --> 00:16:45,173 - Thanks for coming by, man. - Okay, yeah. 483 00:16:45,212 --> 00:16:46,904 Matter of fact, I got an appointment right now 484 00:16:46,926 --> 00:16:48,136 to go get fitted for a toga. 485 00:16:48,178 --> 00:16:50,645 - You got--you got to go. - Mm-hmm. 486 00:16:50,730 --> 00:16:53,148 You leaving me. That's a... 487 00:16:59,856 --> 00:17:00,771 Don't do it. 488 00:17:00,813 --> 00:17:02,813 May Eros, 489 00:17:03,479 --> 00:17:06,694 Artemis, and Apollo 490 00:17:06,736 --> 00:17:08,987 guide you through your musical journey. 491 00:17:09,199 --> 00:17:13,417 [bleep], what? 492 00:17:13,489 --> 00:17:16,522 Why... does... your... breath... smell... 493 00:17:16,612 --> 00:17:18,612 like... birdseed? 494 00:17:20,043 --> 00:17:22,136 - Au revoir. - All right. 495 00:17:24,180 --> 00:17:26,297 Thank you, caf? craftsman. 496 00:17:26,382 --> 00:17:27,715 You're welcome. 497 00:17:27,850 --> 00:17:28,766 Sweedoop poops. 498 00:17:28,885 --> 00:17:29,967 Sweden dweeps. 499 00:17:33,773 --> 00:17:35,435 Sorry, he--he didn't actually pay for that drink. 500 00:17:35,441 --> 00:17:36,357 I got it. 501 00:17:40,900 --> 00:17:42,433 Wow. 502 00:17:42,518 --> 00:17:44,402 You really came out of nowhere. 503 00:17:44,487 --> 00:17:45,736 What? No. 504 00:17:45,822 --> 00:17:50,992 No, I was stopped at that stop sign. 505 00:17:51,110 --> 00:17:53,494 Yeah. 506 00:17:53,613 --> 00:17:55,780 Listen, let's just exchange information 507 00:17:55,801 --> 00:17:57,424 and have our insurance companies take care of it. 508 00:17:57,450 --> 00:17:58,616 Right. 509 00:17:58,751 --> 00:18:00,284 Yeah. 510 00:18:00,420 --> 00:18:03,120 I'm gonna get my info. 511 00:18:03,256 --> 00:18:05,039 Yes, please. 512 00:18:11,570 --> 00:18:12,880 Hey, no, what-- what are you doing? 513 00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:14,932 What are you doing? - Huh? 514 00:18:15,018 --> 00:18:16,300 Why did you start the engine? 515 00:18:16,386 --> 00:18:17,969 What engine? 516 00:18:18,104 --> 00:18:19,520 The engine of your car. 517 00:18:19,639 --> 00:18:21,138 Did I? 518 00:18:21,224 --> 00:18:23,975 Yes. 519 00:18:24,060 --> 00:18:26,444 I was just trying to get the information for you 520 00:18:26,529 --> 00:18:27,812 from the glove box. 521 00:18:27,947 --> 00:18:30,398 Do you need to start your car to open your glove compartment? 522 00:18:30,483 --> 00:18:33,985 Uh...yeah? 523 00:18:34,070 --> 00:18:35,786 Okay, you know what, how about I just-- 524 00:18:35,872 --> 00:18:37,788 I get your insurance information now. 525 00:18:37,874 --> 00:18:39,874 - Right? - Sure. 526 00:18:39,993 --> 00:18:41,876 Hey, dude, no. Hey--hey, hey--stop! 527 00:18:41,995 --> 00:18:43,628 Stop, stop, stop! 528 00:18:43,713 --> 00:18:44,924 Where the hell are you going? 529 00:18:45,297 --> 00:18:47,832 Uh... Nowhere? 530 00:18:47,967 --> 00:18:49,467 Give me the information right now! 531 00:18:49,552 --> 00:18:50,418 - Okay. - Right now. 532 00:18:50,503 --> 00:18:53,004 Do you understand? - Okay, okay. 533 00:18:53,139 --> 00:18:56,724 All right, sorry. I--I misunderstood. 534 00:18:56,843 --> 00:18:57,842 I don't see how. 535 00:18:57,977 --> 00:19:00,144 All right, here it is. 536 00:19:00,229 --> 00:19:01,812 No, no, I--no. 537 00:19:01,898 --> 00:19:04,265 Your--your insurance information. 538 00:19:04,350 --> 00:19:06,934 - I just did. - This is a Walgreens receipt. 539 00:19:07,020 --> 00:19:08,352 Ohhh. 540 00:19:08,488 --> 00:19:09,737 Ohhh? 541 00:19:09,856 --> 00:19:12,773 Here it is. 542 00:19:12,859 --> 00:19:16,694 - "License to fart." - (laughs) 543 00:19:16,779 --> 00:19:19,530 Here it is. 544 00:19:19,615 --> 00:19:20,531 What is that? 545 00:19:20,616 --> 00:19:21,666 Now you're just miming. 546 00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:23,683 You know what, give me your insurance information 547 00:19:23,703 --> 00:19:25,369 right now, or I'm calling the cops! 548 00:19:25,455 --> 00:19:26,420 - Okay, all right. - Okay? 549 00:19:26,539 --> 00:19:27,872 Okay, dude, I'm sorry. 550 00:19:27,957 --> 00:19:29,040 I'm sorry. 551 00:19:29,175 --> 00:19:31,542 That's just-- that's my personality. 552 00:19:31,627 --> 00:19:33,210 I was messing with you. 553 00:19:33,296 --> 00:19:34,712 I apologize. 554 00:19:34,732 --> 00:19:36,079 I thought you were gonna take off and-- 555 00:19:36,132 --> 00:19:37,098 and flee the scene. 556 00:19:37,216 --> 00:19:38,215 Yeah, no, I'm not, well. 557 00:19:38,301 --> 00:19:39,684 Then how am I gonna get my car fixed? 558 00:19:39,769 --> 00:19:41,552 I-- We just had an accident. 559 00:19:41,688 --> 00:19:44,939 It's obviously not the time or the place, so I'm--I'm sorry. 560 00:19:45,058 --> 00:19:47,391 Here you go. Here it is. 561 00:19:47,527 --> 00:19:48,859 I mean, can you imagine, though? 562 00:19:48,945 --> 00:19:50,227 Yeah, that you were gonna take off? 563 00:19:50,313 --> 00:19:51,529 - Yeah. - Yeah, I can imagine that. 564 00:19:51,614 --> 00:19:55,783 And it's giving me chills up my [bleep] spine. 565 00:19:55,902 --> 00:19:59,236 Anyway. Here's the real insurance card, 566 00:19:59,322 --> 00:20:03,741 and, uh... let me know what you think. 567 00:20:03,876 --> 00:20:06,577 "Official laminated license to fart." 568 00:20:06,662 --> 00:20:07,661 What the [bleep]-- Hey! 569 00:20:07,747 --> 00:20:09,580 Hey! No, hey! 570 00:20:09,665 --> 00:20:12,333 God damn it! Son of a bitch! 571 00:20:12,418 --> 00:20:15,302 I am a sociopath! 572 00:20:20,560 --> 00:20:22,426 - Now, Jordan. - Yes. 573 00:20:22,512 --> 00:20:24,845 Where are we with the driver-- 574 00:20:24,931 --> 00:20:26,764 with the-- with the learner's permit situation? 575 00:20:26,899 --> 00:20:28,182 I got a learner-- learner's permit. 576 00:20:28,267 --> 00:20:29,483 - All right. - Third time's the charm. 577 00:20:29,602 --> 00:20:30,601 Got it. 578 00:20:30,686 --> 00:20:32,103 But you took the test, and you passed. 579 00:20:32,188 --> 00:20:34,071 The write-- written test. 580 00:20:34,157 --> 00:20:36,107 I still have the physical test to go. 581 00:20:36,242 --> 00:20:38,025 Is there any kind of fear of learning to drive? 582 00:20:38,111 --> 00:20:39,610 Why-- Why don't you want to drive? 583 00:20:39,695 --> 00:20:41,445 - Fear? - Mm-hmm. 584 00:20:41,531 --> 00:20:44,865 No, I-- I mean, more--more than anything, it just-- 585 00:20:44,951 --> 00:20:48,119 it seems generally, like, unpleasant. 586 00:20:48,204 --> 00:20:49,286 Oh, boy, I got to tell you, it's not. 587 00:20:49,372 --> 00:20:50,788 - I love driving. - Cool. 588 00:20:50,873 --> 00:20:54,592 - Yeah. - So we're all set. 589 00:20:54,677 --> 00:20:56,677 I'm gonna do my one line here 590 00:20:56,796 --> 00:20:58,629 Oh, yeah. 591 00:20:58,710 --> 00:21:00,382 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 592 00:21:00,432 --> 00:21:04,982 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 42759

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