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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,053 --> 00:00:02,471 Today on Judge Jessie, 2 00:00:02,590 --> 00:00:04,423 Judge Jessie turns up the heat. 3 00:00:04,508 --> 00:00:05,924 You signed a piece of paper. 4 00:00:06,060 --> 00:00:07,259 He gave you the snake. 5 00:00:07,345 --> 00:00:08,560 Then you bring a snake 6 00:00:08,646 --> 00:00:11,263 into the home with two small Chihuahuas. 7 00:00:11,399 --> 00:00:12,765 I had not been made aware 8 00:00:12,850 --> 00:00:14,433 that the snake would get rid of its skin, 9 00:00:14,518 --> 00:00:17,069 and then the sprinklers came down with the snakeskin, 10 00:00:17,154 --> 00:00:18,404 ruined my carpet. 11 00:00:18,489 --> 00:00:19,872 What-- What set off the sprinklers? 12 00:00:19,974 --> 00:00:22,441 Unrelated popcorn fire, Your Honor. 13 00:00:22,474 --> 00:00:23,798 Judge Jessie. 14 00:00:24,028 --> 00:00:27,646 As a police officer, he defended the streets. 15 00:00:28,032 --> 00:00:29,315 As a trial lawyer... 16 00:00:29,744 --> 00:00:30,743 Objection! 17 00:00:30,795 --> 00:00:32,391 he fought for the truth. 18 00:00:32,820 --> 00:00:33,902 As a black belt... 19 00:00:33,988 --> 00:00:36,455 (grunting) 20 00:00:36,574 --> 00:00:38,579 he mastered discipline. 21 00:00:39,493 --> 00:00:41,410 As a carpenter, 22 00:00:41,545 --> 00:00:44,463 he learned the value of craftsmanship. 23 00:00:44,582 --> 00:00:48,467 As a surgeon, he mastered a cool head. 24 00:00:49,670 --> 00:00:51,387 As a crack ho, 25 00:00:51,472 --> 00:00:54,973 he learned to go days without sleep. 26 00:00:55,092 --> 00:00:56,258 And as an announcer, 27 00:00:56,344 --> 00:00:59,928 he does the voice-over on this show. 28 00:01:00,014 --> 00:01:02,431 Coming up on Judge Jessie... 29 00:01:02,566 --> 00:01:04,483 Mr. Simmons, before you speak, I know from experience 30 00:01:04,602 --> 00:01:06,435 that the police have completely mishandled your case, 31 00:01:06,570 --> 00:01:07,853 and there is legal precedent for you to win, 32 00:01:07,938 --> 00:01:09,772 and any good defense attorney would have told you that. 33 00:01:09,857 --> 00:01:12,274 I also know that obviously the place where you hurt your back 34 00:01:12,410 --> 00:01:14,159 wasn't structurally up to code, Mr. Oyama. 35 00:01:14,278 --> 00:01:15,327 And furthermore, as a sensei, 36 00:01:15,446 --> 00:01:17,029 you should know a man of his skill set 37 00:01:17,114 --> 00:01:18,030 cannot do a Mike Yaki. 38 00:01:18,115 --> 00:01:19,198 You should know that. 39 00:01:19,283 --> 00:01:20,616 Obviously, I can tell by looking at your alignment 40 00:01:20,751 --> 00:01:23,952 that you've herniated a disc someplace in your L4 or your L5. 41 00:01:24,038 --> 00:01:25,671 I'm finding for the plaintiff not $2,500, 42 00:01:25,790 --> 00:01:28,290 $2,700, Mr. Oyama. 43 00:01:28,376 --> 00:01:29,291 Thank you, Your Honor. 44 00:01:29,377 --> 00:01:31,377 You're quite welcome. 45 00:01:34,382 --> 00:01:36,682 Judge Jessie. 46 00:01:36,801 --> 00:01:39,184 Dusty, can I suck your [bleep]? 47 00:01:40,571 --> 00:01:43,472 (haunting Western music) 48 00:01:43,557 --> 00:01:46,380 49 00:02:02,026 --> 00:02:05,500 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 50 00:02:07,131 --> 00:02:08,414 Okay, so give me-- just shout out, 51 00:02:08,499 --> 00:02:10,382 like, a character or, like, an occupation or something. 52 00:02:10,501 --> 00:02:11,383 Okay, yeah. 53 00:02:11,502 --> 00:02:12,885 Timid librarian. 54 00:02:14,805 --> 00:02:16,839 Excuse me, sir. 55 00:02:18,843 --> 00:02:19,758 - (whimpering) - No. 56 00:02:19,844 --> 00:02:21,343 - No, no, no, no. - (whimpering) 57 00:02:21,429 --> 00:02:22,394 Okay, but you're-- 58 00:02:22,513 --> 00:02:24,897 - You're-- Cut, cut. - Shh. 59 00:02:25,015 --> 00:02:27,182 - Cut, cut. - Why you cutting library? 60 00:02:27,268 --> 00:02:28,934 Why? Okay. I don't know. Are you Vietnamese? 61 00:02:29,019 --> 00:02:30,402 All right, let me give you one. Let me give you one. 62 00:02:30,521 --> 00:02:32,154 - Yes. Yeah, okay. - Okay, you are-- 63 00:02:32,239 --> 00:02:33,856 Remember I'm driving, so... (laughs) 64 00:02:33,991 --> 00:02:38,360 You are a secure construction worker. 65 00:02:38,496 --> 00:02:39,445 Okay, here we go. 66 00:02:39,530 --> 00:02:42,281 You--you went to Penn State for grad school. 67 00:02:42,366 --> 00:02:43,999 Me? No, I didn't go to Penn State for grad school. 68 00:02:44,084 --> 00:02:45,834 Okay, there he is. 69 00:02:45,920 --> 00:02:46,835 Hello. 70 00:02:46,921 --> 00:02:50,539 (laughter) 71 00:02:50,624 --> 00:02:52,758 I saw him. I saw him. 72 00:02:52,877 --> 00:02:55,344 For that second when we were in it, I saw him. 73 00:02:55,429 --> 00:02:57,045 Damn, that's good. 74 00:02:57,131 --> 00:02:58,464 That is some good [bleep]. 75 00:02:58,549 --> 00:03:01,550 76 00:03:03,020 --> 00:03:05,854 Noah Sanders. Here for the job interview. 77 00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:08,075 Please take a seat. Mr. Weinstein will see you next. 78 00:03:08,268 --> 00:03:10,776 (lounge music) 79 00:03:10,895 --> 00:03:18,901 80 00:03:22,907 --> 00:03:24,808 Job interviews, huh? 81 00:03:25,409 --> 00:03:28,877 Never fun. 82 00:03:28,963 --> 00:03:30,546 Okay, just... 83 00:03:30,631 --> 00:03:33,131 I get it. Stay focused. 84 00:03:33,250 --> 00:03:34,249 Cool. 85 00:03:34,385 --> 00:03:37,085 Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. 86 00:03:37,171 --> 00:03:38,086 (clicks tongue) 87 00:03:38,172 --> 00:03:40,923 (laughter) 88 00:03:41,058 --> 00:03:41,924 Oh. 89 00:03:42,059 --> 00:03:44,676 - Yeah. - Whoo-hoo! 90 00:03:44,762 --> 00:03:48,597 That was a big laugh. 91 00:03:48,732 --> 00:03:50,482 (exhales) 92 00:03:50,601 --> 00:03:51,567 Oh, no! 93 00:03:51,652 --> 00:03:53,651 - I did it! - No, you didn't! 94 00:03:53,680 --> 00:03:56,438 - I did it. - (laughter) 95 00:03:56,524 --> 00:03:58,857 Jeez. 96 00:03:58,943 --> 00:04:01,664 Is this a job interview or The Carol Burnett Show? 97 00:04:01,723 --> 00:04:04,196 - You know what I mean? - (laughter) 98 00:04:04,281 --> 00:04:05,497 Oh, sir, sir, sir. 99 00:04:05,616 --> 00:04:08,116 - Oh, my God, that is too rich. - Oh, well. 100 00:04:08,252 --> 00:04:09,785 Thanks so much for coming in, Adam. 101 00:04:09,843 --> 00:04:10,946 Of course, and you better stay away 102 00:04:10,955 --> 00:04:11,920 from that Chinese food there. 103 00:04:12,006 --> 00:04:13,255 Oh, my God, you got that right. 104 00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:14,423 That's done-- It's done a number on my stomach. 105 00:04:14,508 --> 00:04:17,125 - (martial arts shouts) - (grunting) 106 00:04:17,211 --> 00:04:18,176 Here's your fortune. 107 00:04:18,295 --> 00:04:19,211 You're gonna be sick in a half hour. 108 00:04:19,296 --> 00:04:21,296 (laughter) 109 00:04:23,684 --> 00:04:25,801 Oh, my gosh, what an absolute delight, Adam. 110 00:04:25,886 --> 00:04:27,481 It's been great, and-- Can I tell you something real quick? 111 00:04:27,537 --> 00:04:28,554 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 112 00:04:28,639 --> 00:04:29,972 I don't even care if I get this job 113 00:04:30,107 --> 00:04:32,808 because I know I've made a friend for life. 114 00:04:32,943 --> 00:04:35,027 What a terrific attitude. 115 00:04:35,145 --> 00:04:36,645 What a great goddamn attitude. 116 00:04:36,780 --> 00:04:37,646 Yup. 117 00:04:37,781 --> 00:04:39,531 You son of a gun. 118 00:04:39,650 --> 00:04:42,034 You know what? 119 00:04:42,152 --> 00:04:43,869 Right quick, before you leave, I want to give you something. 120 00:04:43,988 --> 00:04:45,404 No, sir, I can't take any more gifts. 121 00:04:45,489 --> 00:04:49,324 This whole thing has been a gift. 122 00:04:49,410 --> 00:04:51,159 My brother passed away. 123 00:04:51,245 --> 00:04:53,245 (somber music) 124 00:04:53,330 --> 00:04:54,246 21 years ago. 125 00:04:54,331 --> 00:04:55,464 Wow. 126 00:04:55,549 --> 00:04:57,799 We were estranged, 127 00:04:57,885 --> 00:05:00,552 and he became ill, 128 00:05:00,671 --> 00:05:03,472 and he gave this to me as a peace offering. 129 00:05:03,557 --> 00:05:05,307 Ohh. 130 00:05:05,392 --> 00:05:07,009 And then one day when we were on the ocean, 131 00:05:07,144 --> 00:05:09,845 he fell overboard on a boat very much like this one 132 00:05:09,980 --> 00:05:12,097 and died. 133 00:05:12,182 --> 00:05:13,800 I saw him struggling all the way 134 00:05:13,835 --> 00:05:15,851 as a riptide just pulled him down. 135 00:05:15,986 --> 00:05:17,853 That bitch ocean. 136 00:05:17,988 --> 00:05:20,058 Would you please accept this as a-- as a token 137 00:05:20,116 --> 00:05:23,825 of my gratitude for you bringing joy back into my life? 138 00:05:23,911 --> 00:05:27,863 Under any other circumstance, I would refuse, 139 00:05:27,948 --> 00:05:30,165 but I will accept this gift today 140 00:05:30,250 --> 00:05:32,918 because I know how much it means to you. 141 00:05:33,037 --> 00:05:35,087 So I will. 142 00:05:35,205 --> 00:05:38,423 Thank you. 143 00:05:38,542 --> 00:05:40,676 Ahoy, matey. 144 00:05:40,761 --> 00:05:42,794 (both laugh) 145 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,048 Ahoy, matey. 146 00:05:46,133 --> 00:05:49,384 (laughter) 147 00:05:49,470 --> 00:05:50,969 How is that funny? 148 00:05:51,055 --> 00:05:53,021 Bernadette. 149 00:05:53,107 --> 00:05:54,856 Bernadette. 150 00:05:54,942 --> 00:05:56,975 - Are you hearing any of this? - Oh, my God. 151 00:05:57,061 --> 00:05:59,728 This guy. How do you keep a straight face all day? 152 00:05:59,813 --> 00:06:01,730 (laughter) 153 00:06:01,865 --> 00:06:03,865 She's-- Isn't she sweet? 154 00:06:03,951 --> 00:06:05,117 Sweeter than pie. Sweeter than pie. 155 00:06:05,235 --> 00:06:06,201 Oh, my God. 156 00:06:06,286 --> 00:06:08,403 God damn it, I love your [bleep] energy. 157 00:06:08,539 --> 00:06:11,123 Well, what can I say, sir? 158 00:06:11,241 --> 00:06:12,124 I am solar powered. 159 00:06:12,242 --> 00:06:15,243 (screaming laughter) 160 00:06:19,333 --> 00:06:22,334 (continues laughing) 161 00:06:24,972 --> 00:06:25,887 Really? 162 00:06:25,973 --> 00:06:27,839 You like-- you like that one, huh? 163 00:06:27,925 --> 00:06:29,841 Oh, thanks so much, Adam. 164 00:06:29,927 --> 00:06:32,310 Terrific. (laughs) 165 00:06:32,429 --> 00:06:36,848 Best interview I've ever been a part of in my entire life. 166 00:06:36,934 --> 00:06:38,483 Okay, who's next? 167 00:06:41,071 --> 00:06:42,354 You? Ready? Let's go. Chop-chop. 168 00:06:42,439 --> 00:06:45,107 Here we go. (clapping) 169 00:06:47,444 --> 00:06:49,695 Come on, let's go. 170 00:06:49,780 --> 00:06:50,779 Okay. 171 00:06:50,864 --> 00:06:52,447 Hoo-hoo! 172 00:06:52,533 --> 00:06:53,832 Hoo! 173 00:06:53,951 --> 00:06:56,418 Requesting permission to come on board, sir. 174 00:06:56,503 --> 00:06:58,420 Hi, Noah Sanders the name. 175 00:06:58,505 --> 00:06:59,755 I'm sorry to hear about your brother. 176 00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:01,089 Maybe we could get some Chinese food after this? 177 00:07:01,175 --> 00:07:02,290 - (clicks tongue) - All right. All right. 178 00:07:02,376 --> 00:07:05,093 Okay, take it easy. 179 00:07:05,179 --> 00:07:06,795 Jeez, settle down, Turbo. 180 00:07:09,177 --> 00:07:10,676 (haunting Western music) 181 00:07:10,778 --> 00:07:11,677 (laughter) 182 00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:12,678 (phone dings and vibrates) 183 00:07:13,064 --> 00:07:15,898 Oh, hold on a second. Mm-hmm. 184 00:07:18,686 --> 00:07:20,769 Oh, hell no. 185 00:07:20,855 --> 00:07:23,856 He did not just text me he working late. 186 00:07:23,941 --> 00:07:25,166 That [bleep] is weak. 187 00:07:25,224 --> 00:07:26,242 Okay. 188 00:07:26,360 --> 00:07:27,860 You know what, working late, my ass. 189 00:07:27,995 --> 00:07:29,028 If he don't walk through that door 190 00:07:29,113 --> 00:07:30,446 in the next half an hour, 191 00:07:30,531 --> 00:07:31,914 he may as well not even come home tonight 192 00:07:32,033 --> 00:07:35,117 'cause I'm not gonna be there waiting for his cheating ass. 193 00:07:35,202 --> 00:07:36,585 - Okay! - All right, girl? 194 00:07:36,704 --> 00:07:38,087 I ain't playing. You know what I'm saying? 195 00:07:38,205 --> 00:07:41,257 I mean, I will be there waiting because-- 196 00:07:41,375 --> 00:07:43,459 But he gonna have to put up with a lot of [bleep] from me. 197 00:07:43,544 --> 00:07:44,710 Okay. 198 00:07:44,795 --> 00:07:47,630 And if he think he gonna do this [bleep] again, 199 00:07:47,715 --> 00:07:49,548 he is sorely mistaken... 200 00:07:49,634 --> 00:07:50,549 Okay! 201 00:07:50,635 --> 00:07:52,635 Because my man gets one chance. 202 00:07:52,720 --> 00:07:54,270 - Okay! - One. 203 00:07:54,388 --> 00:07:55,721 - Okay! - And then after that, 204 00:07:55,806 --> 00:07:57,222 - he get one more... - Okay... 205 00:07:57,308 --> 00:08:00,859 And then after that, he gonna get three strikes. 206 00:08:00,945 --> 00:08:02,361 - Then you're out. - Okay... 207 00:08:02,361 --> 00:08:04,075 And if I ever find out 208 00:08:04,075 --> 00:08:07,149 that my man was messing around on me, 209 00:08:07,234 --> 00:08:09,952 he better get as far away from me as he possibly can, 210 00:08:10,071 --> 00:08:13,072 because he do not want to get what I'm gonna give to him. 211 00:08:13,157 --> 00:08:14,206 Okay. 212 00:08:14,292 --> 00:08:16,125 I got my mother[bleep] real estate license... 213 00:08:16,243 --> 00:08:17,543 Okay! 214 00:08:17,628 --> 00:08:20,162 But if and when he does come home, that's fine... 215 00:08:20,247 --> 00:08:21,163 Okay. 216 00:08:21,248 --> 00:08:22,247 'Cause he can go out 217 00:08:22,383 --> 00:08:24,333 and get all turnt up with these little side hos 218 00:08:24,418 --> 00:08:27,086 and whatnot 'cause you know what, bitch? 219 00:08:27,221 --> 00:08:28,754 He always gonna come home. 220 00:08:28,839 --> 00:08:30,255 - All right? - Okay. 221 00:08:30,341 --> 00:08:32,891 I'm the queen bee, and he always gonna come home to me. 222 00:08:32,977 --> 00:08:34,310 - You know what? - Okay... 223 00:08:34,428 --> 00:08:35,427 But you know what, but you know what, but you know what? 224 00:08:35,513 --> 00:08:37,313 - I don't even care. - Oh, okay. 225 00:08:37,431 --> 00:08:38,764 But I'll tell you what happen if he do come home. 226 00:08:38,849 --> 00:08:39,808 Okay. 227 00:08:39,835 --> 00:08:41,455 He ain't gonna be pulling any of that [bleep] in my house. 228 00:08:41,487 --> 00:08:42,401 Okay... 229 00:08:42,486 --> 00:08:44,186 He can come to the house if he wants to, 230 00:08:44,271 --> 00:08:46,772 but he ain't never gonna do that when I'm home. 231 00:08:46,857 --> 00:08:48,440 - Okay. - You know what? 232 00:08:48,576 --> 00:08:52,444 Even if I'm home, it's fine. 233 00:08:52,530 --> 00:08:53,445 Okay... 234 00:08:53,531 --> 00:08:54,530 You know what I'm talking about? 235 00:08:54,615 --> 00:08:55,698 Mm, okay. 236 00:08:55,783 --> 00:08:57,282 'cause I don't give a good goddamn. 237 00:08:57,368 --> 00:08:58,667 - Okay. - That's what I'm talking about. 238 00:08:58,786 --> 00:09:00,285 But he ain't gonna bring that [bleep] into my bedroom. 239 00:09:00,371 --> 00:09:01,286 I tell you that much right now, okay? 240 00:09:01,372 --> 00:09:02,504 Okay. 241 00:09:02,623 --> 00:09:04,039 'Cause there ain't no trifling-ass [bleep] 242 00:09:04,125 --> 00:09:08,544 gonna wake me up while he's cheating on me in my bed again. 243 00:09:08,629 --> 00:09:09,795 Okay... 244 00:09:09,930 --> 00:09:12,264 And I told him. I looked him right in the face. 245 00:09:12,350 --> 00:09:15,351 I said, "This is the fifth and last time that you"-- 246 00:09:15,469 --> 00:09:17,770 O...kay! 247 00:09:21,359 --> 00:09:22,641 (exhales) 248 00:09:24,945 --> 00:09:26,028 I couldn't have said it better myself, girl. 249 00:09:26,147 --> 00:09:28,697 - You're right. - Okay? 250 00:09:28,816 --> 00:09:30,816 You just been spouting words of wisdom all evening. 251 00:09:30,901 --> 00:09:32,117 I ain't listening to a 252 00:09:32,203 --> 00:09:34,203 (high-pitched) goddamn thing you saying. 253 00:09:34,321 --> 00:09:35,904 (quietly) Okay. 254 00:09:35,990 --> 00:09:37,823 I don't even know what the hell I was thinking, girl. 255 00:09:37,958 --> 00:09:39,158 You right. 256 00:09:39,243 --> 00:09:42,544 The second that that man walks through that door, 257 00:09:42,663 --> 00:09:43,962 I'ma dump his ass. 258 00:09:44,048 --> 00:09:45,998 O...kay. 259 00:09:46,133 --> 00:09:47,299 - Okay? - Okay. 260 00:09:47,385 --> 00:09:49,802 Oh, my gosh, speak of the devil. 261 00:09:49,887 --> 00:09:52,671 (romantic music) 262 00:09:52,807 --> 00:10:01,063 263 00:10:01,182 --> 00:10:04,233 O...kay. 264 00:10:04,351 --> 00:10:06,518 Okay. 265 00:10:06,620 --> 00:10:08,987 (haunting Western music) 266 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,534 You know who's-- You know who's a good actor, though, 267 00:10:14,619 --> 00:10:16,786 female-wise and otherwise? 268 00:10:16,905 --> 00:10:18,121 (laughs) 269 00:10:18,240 --> 00:10:19,823 Meryl Streeps. 270 00:10:19,908 --> 00:10:21,741 How you gonna have an entire career 271 00:10:21,877 --> 00:10:24,494 and never make a bad movie? 272 00:10:24,579 --> 00:10:27,580 Like, I can't think of a bad Meryl Streep movie. 273 00:10:27,666 --> 00:10:29,048 Some people didn't like-- She made a move 274 00:10:29,134 --> 00:10:30,884 in the '80s with Robert De Niro. 275 00:10:30,969 --> 00:10:33,419 Wasn't she in Weekend at Bernie's? 276 00:10:35,590 --> 00:10:36,756 I don't recall that, Jordan. 277 00:10:36,892 --> 00:10:39,259 Yeah, she was the one that was making out with Bernie, 278 00:10:39,394 --> 00:10:40,510 and they were holding Bernie up, 279 00:10:40,595 --> 00:10:42,645 and he was hooking up with her. 280 00:10:42,764 --> 00:10:44,397 That was Streep. 281 00:10:44,483 --> 00:10:46,266 Pretty sure it might have been bizarro Streep, 282 00:10:46,351 --> 00:10:47,600 but it was not the regular Streep. 283 00:10:47,736 --> 00:10:50,270 Yeah, people, early on, they'll do some things. 284 00:10:50,355 --> 00:10:51,354 What are you talking about "early on"? 285 00:10:51,439 --> 00:10:53,273 That's not early on in her career. 286 00:10:53,358 --> 00:10:54,407 - Yeah, I mean... - What is wrong with you? 287 00:10:54,493 --> 00:10:55,992 Are you on drugs right now? 288 00:10:56,111 --> 00:10:59,412 Meryl Streep was not in Weekend at Bernie's! 289 00:10:59,498 --> 00:11:01,414 Don't say it again. 290 00:11:01,500 --> 00:11:04,117 - Pretty sure she was. - She was not, Jordan. 291 00:11:04,252 --> 00:11:05,118 Jordan. 292 00:11:05,253 --> 00:11:08,171 293 00:11:11,059 --> 00:11:13,376 Hey dog. What'd you get up to this weekend, though, dog? 294 00:11:13,461 --> 00:11:16,129 Ah, you know me, man. 295 00:11:16,214 --> 00:11:17,881 Got up all up in that Redbox. 296 00:11:17,966 --> 00:11:19,766 - Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah? - Yeah. 297 00:11:19,851 --> 00:11:21,684 - You know who's good, though? - Who that, dog? 298 00:11:21,803 --> 00:11:23,469 Robert Downeys Juniors. 299 00:11:23,605 --> 00:11:25,605 Robert Downeys Juniors, though, dog? Which one? 300 00:11:25,690 --> 00:11:26,890 - Which one? - Tony Starks, dog. 301 00:11:26,975 --> 00:11:28,558 Tony Starks! Yeah, man. 302 00:11:28,643 --> 00:11:29,859 - Tony Starks. Iron Mans. - Yo. 303 00:11:29,978 --> 00:11:31,394 That man be building his own suit and everything 304 00:11:31,479 --> 00:11:32,896 and getting all witty with Pepper Pottsies. 305 00:11:32,981 --> 00:11:36,149 Yeah, yeah. Yo, yo, my man's got a glowing heart in that one. 306 00:11:36,284 --> 00:11:37,784 (both) Wan, wan, wan. 307 00:11:37,869 --> 00:11:39,652 You give that [bleep] a statue for that alone. 308 00:11:39,738 --> 00:11:41,538 - That's right there, man. - Whoo! 309 00:11:41,656 --> 00:11:43,072 Definitely, dog, yo, but yo, 310 00:11:43,158 --> 00:11:45,074 another thing about RD Squared real quick? 311 00:11:45,160 --> 00:11:46,659 - Go to it. - Sherlocky Holmes. 312 00:11:46,745 --> 00:11:47,877 Sherlocky Holmesies. 313 00:11:47,996 --> 00:11:48,878 - Sherlocky Holmes. - Wait, wait, wait, wait. 314 00:11:48,997 --> 00:11:49,879 When Sherlocksy Holmes is in that pit 315 00:11:49,998 --> 00:11:50,880 and he's fighting that dude. 316 00:11:50,999 --> 00:11:51,998 Yeah, and he fighting that dude. 317 00:11:52,133 --> 00:11:52,999 And then all of a sudden in his mind 318 00:11:53,134 --> 00:11:54,417 he made everything go in slow motion. 319 00:11:54,502 --> 00:11:55,718 (British accent) "I've got to do this, and I got to do this, 320 00:11:55,837 --> 00:11:57,420 and then statistically I should do this." 321 00:11:57,505 --> 00:11:59,172 And then the cane, and then he went back 322 00:11:59,307 --> 00:12:00,640 to real-life speed, and he did it. 323 00:12:00,725 --> 00:12:03,393 (overlapping chatter and shouting) 324 00:12:03,511 --> 00:12:04,677 What? That was my jam. 325 00:12:04,763 --> 00:12:06,396 - That was my jam right there. - That was my jam. 326 00:12:06,462 --> 00:12:08,188 He knew what was going to happen using statistics! 327 00:12:08,225 --> 00:12:09,766 Yo, and then remember that one scene 328 00:12:09,851 --> 00:12:11,434 where he woke up in his neighbor's daughter's bed, 329 00:12:11,519 --> 00:12:12,602 and he was all on drugs and [bleep]? 330 00:12:12,687 --> 00:12:14,737 - Oh, yeah! - Yo. 331 00:12:14,739 --> 00:12:16,439 No, no, that was RD Squared in real life, though, right there. 332 00:12:16,448 --> 00:12:17,440 - Oh, it was. It was. - It was. It was. 333 00:12:17,472 --> 00:12:18,471 That was real life, though. 334 00:12:18,497 --> 00:12:20,392 - He was good in that one. He was good. - That was very realistic, yup. 335 00:12:20,444 --> 00:12:21,763 You know who else is good, though, dog? 336 00:12:21,870 --> 00:12:22,902 - Who, who, who, who, who? - Vally Kilmers. 337 00:12:23,198 --> 00:12:25,081 Oh, we talking 'bout Vally Kilmers right now. 338 00:12:25,200 --> 00:12:27,500 We talking 'bout Vally Kilmers right now, dog. 339 00:12:27,586 --> 00:12:28,751 Which one? Which one? Which one? 340 00:12:28,870 --> 00:12:30,203 Which one? Oh, you know, Vally Kilmers in Tombstones. 341 00:12:30,338 --> 00:12:32,121 Oh, what? 342 00:12:35,377 --> 00:12:37,877 (imitating hooves clopping) 343 00:12:38,013 --> 00:12:39,379 What? Come on, man. 344 00:12:39,464 --> 00:12:41,097 - (imitates whipping) - (imitates horse neighing) 345 00:12:41,216 --> 00:12:43,182 That's my [bleep] right there. Doccy Hollidays, dog? 346 00:12:43,268 --> 00:12:44,384 Oh, my God. My man's talking about... 347 00:12:44,519 --> 00:12:46,769 (inhales and exhales) "I'll be your huckleberry." 348 00:12:46,888 --> 00:12:48,554 Ooh, and they was up in that O.K. Corral. 349 00:12:48,640 --> 00:12:49,555 - Talking about-- - Oh, the shootout? 350 00:12:49,641 --> 00:12:50,723 (imitating gunshots) 351 00:12:50,859 --> 00:12:52,392 - Earps. Earps. Earps. Earps. - Buck. Buck. 352 00:12:52,477 --> 00:12:55,561 Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. 353 00:12:55,647 --> 00:12:57,647 Oh, you ain't okay. Ha ha! 354 00:12:57,732 --> 00:12:59,232 - That's my jam right there. - That's my jam. 355 00:12:59,317 --> 00:13:01,317 But what about my boy Vally Kilmers in the Willows, though? 356 00:13:01,403 --> 00:13:02,361 Oh. 357 00:13:02,413 --> 00:13:04,070 What about Vally Kilmers in that Willows, though, right? 358 00:13:04,155 --> 00:13:06,789 Vally Kilmers in that Willows, dog, yo! 359 00:13:06,908 --> 00:13:07,874 When he was Madmartigans 360 00:13:07,959 --> 00:13:09,459 and they was in that medieval toboggan. 361 00:13:09,577 --> 00:13:10,576 Talking about-- 362 00:13:10,712 --> 00:13:14,580 (imitating sledding and adventure music) 363 00:13:14,716 --> 00:13:15,581 What? 364 00:13:15,717 --> 00:13:18,001 (both imitating sword fighting) 365 00:13:18,086 --> 00:13:20,586 And the little leprechaun talking about, "You are great." 366 00:13:20,672 --> 00:13:22,255 He was magically delicious, dog! 367 00:13:22,340 --> 00:13:23,840 - Magically delicious, dog. - That was my jam. 368 00:13:23,925 --> 00:13:25,425 Oh, but what about Val Kilmers in The Saints? 369 00:13:25,560 --> 00:13:27,093 Oh, Vally Kilmers in The Saint. 370 00:13:27,228 --> 00:13:28,761 Vally Kilmers in The Saint, though, what? 371 00:13:28,897 --> 00:13:31,097 When my man-- my man was like-- 372 00:13:31,182 --> 00:13:32,432 And-- And then-- And then he-- 373 00:13:32,517 --> 00:13:34,275 And then he was like-- he-- 374 00:13:35,270 --> 00:13:36,436 I-I didn't see that one. 375 00:13:36,521 --> 00:13:38,021 Just the cover looked enticing. 376 00:13:38,106 --> 00:13:39,822 Yo, yo, you know what I'm realizing right now 377 00:13:39,941 --> 00:13:40,940 for the first time? 378 00:13:40,975 --> 00:13:41,983 What's that, dog? 379 00:13:42,033 --> 00:13:43,443 It's like if there was a graph of RD Square... 380 00:13:43,578 --> 00:13:46,195 - Yeah, a graph. - and Vally Kilmers' careers... 381 00:13:46,281 --> 00:13:47,196 Yeah, yeah. 382 00:13:47,282 --> 00:13:48,581 RD Square would start down here. 383 00:13:48,667 --> 00:13:50,416 Right, and Vally Kilmers would be starting right up here. 384 00:13:50,502 --> 00:13:52,452 And RD Square would get this trajectory going. 385 00:13:52,537 --> 00:13:54,287 Right, and then Vally Kilmers be on this trajectory 386 00:13:54,422 --> 00:13:55,705 - right here like this, right? - And they just making movies. 387 00:13:55,790 --> 00:13:56,706 They just making movies. Making movies. 388 00:13:56,791 --> 00:13:57,707 Making movies. Making movies. 389 00:13:57,792 --> 00:13:59,092 Making movies. Getting a little crazy. 390 00:13:59,177 --> 00:14:00,176 Just doing a little drugs. Just getting a little bit-- 391 00:14:00,295 --> 00:14:01,594 Yup, doing crazy. Making-- Still making movies. 392 00:14:01,680 --> 00:14:03,680 And then they meet at this point. 393 00:14:03,798 --> 00:14:05,765 In the same movie. 394 00:14:05,765 --> 00:14:07,546 Which is why... 395 00:14:07,546 --> 00:14:10,259 the best movie of all time is-- 396 00:14:10,605 --> 00:14:14,640 - Kiss Kiss-- - Bang Bang. 397 00:14:14,726 --> 00:14:17,393 (both) Kiss Kiss Bang Bang 398 00:14:17,479 --> 00:14:26,369 is my [bleep]! 399 00:14:29,077 --> 00:14:30,276 (haunting Western music) 400 00:14:32,414 --> 00:14:33,863 I just like to believe. 401 00:14:34,652 --> 00:14:36,098 You like to believe what? 402 00:14:36,785 --> 00:14:40,036 Maybe there's a place for me where I can be an action star. 403 00:14:40,122 --> 00:14:41,504 Of course there's a place for you 404 00:14:41,623 --> 00:14:42,672 where you can be an action star. 405 00:14:42,791 --> 00:14:43,840 Where? What? What could I-- 406 00:14:43,959 --> 00:14:46,593 What could I be, an action star fry chef? 407 00:14:46,678 --> 00:14:47,794 (clears throat) 408 00:14:47,929 --> 00:14:51,047 People have this conception that love handles are fat. 409 00:14:51,133 --> 00:14:56,803 They are very difficult to maintain musculature that-- 410 00:14:56,938 --> 00:14:58,638 - What are those muscles called? - Hmm? 411 00:14:58,774 --> 00:15:00,056 What are those muscles called? 412 00:15:00,142 --> 00:15:01,524 Not a muscologist. 413 00:15:01,643 --> 00:15:03,777 You're not a muscologist? 414 00:15:03,862 --> 00:15:06,479 Are those--there's--there's no muscle there. There may be-- 415 00:15:06,615 --> 00:15:07,730 I want you to grab-- I want you to grab that. 416 00:15:07,816 --> 00:15:10,900 - Yup. - All right. I'm gonna flex it. 417 00:15:10,986 --> 00:15:13,119 - Flex it now. - Okay, hold on. 418 00:15:13,205 --> 00:15:15,205 I got a whole chunk right here. 419 00:15:15,323 --> 00:15:17,824 Just like a chunk about the size of six doughnuts right here. 420 00:15:17,909 --> 00:15:19,626 - (chuckles) - Listen, I'm sorry. 421 00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:20,660 - You all right? - Thanks, bro. 422 00:15:20,745 --> 00:15:21,878 Okay. 423 00:15:21,997 --> 00:15:23,663 (clears throat) 424 00:15:23,748 --> 00:15:25,081 We all know it's not muscle. 425 00:15:25,167 --> 00:15:26,382 - We know that. - Thanks. 426 00:15:26,501 --> 00:15:29,085 427 00:15:29,171 --> 00:15:32,088 (dramatic choral music) 428 00:15:32,174 --> 00:15:34,952 429 00:15:37,596 --> 00:15:39,762 Decker. 430 00:15:39,848 --> 00:15:43,349 Agent Jackson, you'll be working with him on this mission. 431 00:15:43,485 --> 00:15:46,019 Agent Jackson, let's get one thing straight. 432 00:15:46,104 --> 00:15:47,687 I don't like orders, 433 00:15:47,772 --> 00:15:50,190 and I don't play by the rules. 434 00:15:50,275 --> 00:15:51,825 I trust you heard of me. 435 00:15:51,910 --> 00:15:53,276 Actually, no, I haven't. 436 00:15:53,361 --> 00:15:56,112 Ooh, hubba hubba. 437 00:15:56,198 --> 00:15:59,466 438 00:16:02,287 --> 00:16:03,570 We don't have much time. 439 00:16:03,581 --> 00:16:05,757 The Arachnid agents have taken over the consulate. 440 00:16:05,797 --> 00:16:10,426 We need to get you in and resolve this from the inside. 441 00:16:10,545 --> 00:16:12,962 We've taken the latest sitrep of the hostile's position, 442 00:16:13,048 --> 00:16:15,548 and we've reconstructed a holographic blueprint 443 00:16:15,684 --> 00:16:16,883 of the consulate. 444 00:16:17,018 --> 00:16:21,221 Save the mouth squirt for the new recruits, General. 445 00:16:21,306 --> 00:16:23,139 Not gonna by impressed by any fancy... 446 00:16:23,225 --> 00:16:24,607 technology! 447 00:16:24,726 --> 00:16:27,727 (beeping) - (shouting) 448 00:16:33,735 --> 00:16:37,120 It's just a 3-D representation. 449 00:16:37,239 --> 00:16:39,405 Pretty standard these days. 450 00:16:39,541 --> 00:16:41,241 All right. 451 00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,625 I know what it is. 452 00:16:42,744 --> 00:16:44,043 Agent Jackson, 453 00:16:44,129 --> 00:16:46,663 you will enter through this AC duct on the south side 454 00:16:46,748 --> 00:16:47,830 - of the building. - Yes, sir. 455 00:16:47,916 --> 00:16:50,416 Decker, you will be dropped on top, 456 00:16:50,502 --> 00:16:53,219 and then you will gain access through this elevator shaft. 457 00:16:53,305 --> 00:16:55,088 We want you to go down to the fourth floor. 458 00:16:55,223 --> 00:16:57,590 - (gasps) - Make-- 459 00:16:57,726 --> 00:17:00,426 Decker. 460 00:17:00,512 --> 00:17:01,761 You okay? 461 00:17:01,846 --> 00:17:04,647 Heard everything you said. 462 00:17:04,766 --> 00:17:08,184 Elevator shaft. 463 00:17:08,270 --> 00:17:09,402 It's bright. 464 00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:11,037 Yeah, it's bright. 465 00:17:11,106 --> 00:17:12,238 The terrorists are located 466 00:17:12,324 --> 00:17:15,275 on the third and fifth floor of the building. 467 00:17:15,410 --> 00:17:17,493 Each floor has six groups of six men. 468 00:17:17,612 --> 00:17:19,329 What we're gonna want you to do is stop in the middle 469 00:17:19,447 --> 00:17:21,915 of the fourth and pry open the elevator door 470 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,750 and go-- 471 00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,618 I just want you to move through that elevator door 472 00:17:25,754 --> 00:17:26,786 and then go do-- 473 00:17:26,871 --> 00:17:29,122 (beeping) 474 00:17:30,125 --> 00:17:32,342 Pry open-- 475 00:17:32,460 --> 00:17:34,427 (beeping) 476 00:17:34,529 --> 00:17:38,131 Elevator door. Go down to the third flo-- 477 00:17:38,216 --> 00:17:39,599 Okay, maybe this isn't gonna work out. 478 00:17:39,684 --> 00:17:42,435 Why? What's the matter, General? 479 00:17:42,537 --> 00:17:45,972 Everybody's putting their hand in the laser. 480 00:17:46,107 --> 00:17:47,607 It's not a laser. 481 00:17:47,692 --> 00:17:49,475 It's a hologram. 482 00:17:49,611 --> 00:17:50,910 Tomato, tomato. 483 00:17:50,979 --> 00:17:55,531 Look, what's with all the babysitting and handholding? 484 00:17:55,650 --> 00:17:58,151 Papa's a big boy. 485 00:17:58,236 --> 00:17:59,953 Let's zoom into the interior. 486 00:18:00,038 --> 00:18:02,322 Yeah, let's zoom in. 487 00:18:02,407 --> 00:18:06,092 Oh, boy! 488 00:18:06,194 --> 00:18:08,594 (breathing heavily) 489 00:18:08,663 --> 00:18:10,797 (beeping) 490 00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:12,498 Let's cut to the chase. Why am I here? 491 00:18:12,634 --> 00:18:13,633 (sighs) 492 00:18:13,735 --> 00:18:16,336 Your primary target is your old rival 493 00:18:16,421 --> 00:18:20,673 from the Cold War, Nikoli Androkovich. 494 00:18:20,759 --> 00:18:21,891 Now, Androkovich has been leading-- 495 00:18:22,010 --> 00:18:23,843 He's here! 496 00:18:23,979 --> 00:18:24,844 (grunts) 497 00:18:24,980 --> 00:18:27,063 Wh-- Jackson! Jackson! 498 00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:32,352 Wait. 499 00:18:32,487 --> 00:18:35,071 Good job, Decker. 500 00:18:35,190 --> 00:18:38,191 Jackson was an undercover agent for Arachnid. 501 00:18:38,276 --> 00:18:40,159 How in the world did you know? 502 00:18:43,031 --> 00:18:44,998 Ain't my first rodeo. 503 00:18:45,083 --> 00:18:48,201 (dramatic music) 504 00:18:48,286 --> 00:18:51,504 (screams) Hot! 505 00:18:52,040 --> 00:18:55,131 In my day, we made coffee hot. 506 00:18:58,093 --> 00:18:59,593 (haunting Western music) 507 00:19:00,712 --> 00:19:03,380 Well, we were behind each other in line 508 00:19:03,465 --> 00:19:04,631 at the grocery store. 509 00:19:04,716 --> 00:19:08,802 And it was silly, but I dropped a can of peas. 510 00:19:08,887 --> 00:19:10,804 And he bent over to pick them up for me, 511 00:19:10,889 --> 00:19:14,140 and that's where it started. 512 00:19:15,811 --> 00:19:17,310 What can I say? 513 00:19:17,396 --> 00:19:19,479 It was love at first sight. 514 00:19:19,615 --> 00:19:21,531 We've been together ever since. 515 00:19:23,035 --> 00:19:24,784 Well... 516 00:19:24,870 --> 00:19:30,123 Yes, she always has had her own way of doing things. 517 00:19:35,964 --> 00:19:37,881 Okay. 518 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,750 - I see what's going on here. - Honey. 519 00:19:40,836 --> 00:19:42,752 You don't approve of our engagement. 520 00:19:42,838 --> 00:19:44,838 - No, they're not like that. - I'm sorry, sweetheart. 521 00:19:44,923 --> 00:19:46,890 Yes, they are like that. 522 00:19:47,009 --> 00:19:49,142 Look at their faces. 523 00:19:51,146 --> 00:19:54,180 There's no point in trying to reason with folks 524 00:19:54,316 --> 00:19:56,983 who can't appreciate the differences in others. 525 00:19:57,069 --> 00:19:59,486 You should be ashamed of yourselves. 526 00:19:59,571 --> 00:20:02,772 (somber music) 527 00:20:02,858 --> 00:20:03,773 Honey, wait. 528 00:20:03,859 --> 00:20:04,941 (door closes) 529 00:20:10,332 --> 00:20:13,116 I cannot believe that you would bring a colored man 530 00:20:13,201 --> 00:20:14,200 into our house. 531 00:20:14,286 --> 00:20:17,587 532 00:20:17,706 --> 00:20:19,506 (sobs) 533 00:20:19,591 --> 00:20:22,425 (crying) 534 00:20:22,544 --> 00:20:24,544 He's gone now. 535 00:20:24,680 --> 00:20:26,429 (haunting Western music) 536 00:20:29,601 --> 00:20:30,800 How about this? 537 00:20:30,886 --> 00:20:32,218 Why don't they just make the movie that 538 00:20:32,354 --> 00:20:35,021 got straight Sidney Poitier, Denzel Washington, 539 00:20:35,107 --> 00:20:36,356 and Morgan Freeman in the same movie? 540 00:20:36,441 --> 00:20:37,806 - Make the movie. - Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. 541 00:20:37,806 --> 00:20:39,209 - Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. - Extra Oscars. 542 00:20:39,209 --> 00:20:40,864 Everybody just then straight getting extra Oscars from-- 543 00:20:40,864 --> 00:20:42,632 Yeah. Talking about Three Wise Men, though. 544 00:20:42,632 --> 00:20:44,352 - Blip, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar. - Bap, bap, bap, bap, bap. 545 00:20:44,352 --> 00:20:45,877 - That would be my jam. - Bullseye. 546 00:20:45,877 --> 00:20:48,813 Nobody would pay be paying attention to Jesus. 547 00:20:48,813 --> 00:20:50,602 - Don't even worry about that. - They'd just be looking at the wise-- 548 00:20:50,602 --> 00:20:52,433 That movie is clutch. 549 00:20:52,433 --> 00:20:54,502 I'm gonna do my one line here 550 00:20:54,529 --> 00:20:56,391 Oh, yeah! 551 00:20:56,391 --> 00:20:58,344 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 552 00:20:58,394 --> 00:21:02,944 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 39024