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1
00:00:00,881 --> 00:00:04,506
These allegations that I
have sent inappropriate pictures
2
00:00:04,642 --> 00:00:07,226
over the Internet
are completely ridiculous.
3
00:00:07,318 --> 00:00:09,736
They are levied
by my political rivals
4
00:00:09,847 --> 00:00:13,098
who are trying to embarrass me
and advance their own agenda.
5
00:00:13,184 --> 00:00:16,235
So let me be perfectly clear.
6
00:00:16,353 --> 00:00:18,320
These allegations are false.
7
00:00:18,406 --> 00:00:20,072
I will be vindicated.
8
00:00:20,191 --> 00:00:21,240
Okay, please, questions.
(all speaking at once)
9
00:00:21,358 --> 00:00:22,991
Senator, senator.
(overlapping shouting)
10
00:00:23,077 --> 00:00:26,028
TMZ has obtained an actual
photo of your genitalia.
11
00:00:26,113 --> 00:00:27,996
They're posting it
to their website as we speak.
12
00:00:28,082 --> 00:00:29,498
They're saying you took it.
13
00:00:29,583 --> 00:00:30,499
How do you respond?
14
00:00:30,584 --> 00:00:34,453
(cameras clicking)
Hmm? Okay.
15
00:00:34,538 --> 00:00:37,372
I may have sent one photo
of my genitalia.
16
00:00:37,508 --> 00:00:38,924
- All right?
(reporters) Senator, senator!
17
00:00:39,043 --> 00:00:40,876
Okay, but I assure you
that's an isolated incident.
18
00:00:40,961 --> 00:00:43,095
- It was a one-time thing. Okay?
(overlapping shouting)
19
00:00:43,214 --> 00:00:44,930
- Yes. Mark?
- Senator,
20
00:00:45,049 --> 00:00:45,931
what about the new report
21
00:00:46,050 --> 00:00:47,216
that there are three
new pictures
22
00:00:47,301 --> 00:00:48,717
having been sent
to three different women?
23
00:00:48,803 --> 00:00:50,602
That's not a one-time thing.
That's a lot of--
24
00:00:50,721 --> 00:00:53,272
What second-rate news
organization is trying to--
25
00:00:53,390 --> 00:00:54,556
New York Times.
26
00:00:54,642 --> 00:00:56,892
(all)
Oh...oh...
27
00:00:56,977 --> 00:00:59,445
O--
It was-- It was four total.
28
00:00:59,563 --> 00:01:00,612
No more. That was it.
(all speaking at once)
29
00:01:00,731 --> 00:01:02,948
It was just--
It was four, and no more.
30
00:01:03,067 --> 00:01:04,366
Questions? Yes, Amy.
31
00:01:04,452 --> 00:01:07,736
Yes, you are sure that there
were only four photos sent?
32
00:01:07,872 --> 00:01:09,071
That's it. Four. That's all.
33
00:01:09,206 --> 00:01:10,322
There's no more than four.
34
00:01:10,407 --> 00:01:12,074
Then how do you explain
the one you sent me?
35
00:01:12,209 --> 00:01:14,626
- What?
(all gasping)
36
00:01:14,745 --> 00:01:17,079
Everybody please, please.
37
00:01:17,164 --> 00:01:18,497
I'm begging you.
38
00:01:18,582 --> 00:01:23,502
I'm begging you to forgive me
for the foibles
39
00:01:23,587 --> 00:01:24,720
and transgressions.
40
00:01:24,805 --> 00:01:26,839
It was the reckless act
of a younger man.
41
00:01:26,924 --> 00:01:28,757
A younger man?
You sent it two seconds
42
00:01:28,843 --> 00:01:30,058
before you stepped on stage.
43
00:01:30,144 --> 00:01:31,213
Senator, senator,
that's very recent.
44
00:01:31,219 --> 00:01:32,311
Yeah, Amy,
45
00:01:32,429 --> 00:01:35,764
last time I checked,
time is still real, okay?
46
00:01:35,900 --> 00:01:37,182
So, technically speaking...
(text message dings)
47
00:01:37,268 --> 00:01:38,650
I am much older now
than I was
48
00:01:38,769 --> 00:01:40,936
- all of those seconds ago.
(all cell phones beeping)
49
00:01:41,021 --> 00:01:41,937
- Did I just--
- Are you guys--
50
00:01:42,022 --> 00:01:44,273
- Oh, my God, yeah.
- What?
51
00:01:44,358 --> 00:01:46,408
- What's happening right now?
- I just got one.
52
00:01:46,494 --> 00:01:48,994
(all speaking at once)
53
00:01:49,113 --> 00:01:50,829
Senator,
how are you even doing this?
54
00:01:50,948 --> 00:01:52,781
You have no proof
that I am doing anything--
55
00:01:52,917 --> 00:01:54,833
(all gasping)
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
56
00:01:54,952 --> 00:01:56,618
I'm sorry. I'm sorry again.
57
00:01:56,704 --> 00:01:59,254
I'm sorry again.
58
00:01:59,340 --> 00:02:00,289
I'm sorry one more time.
59
00:02:00,374 --> 00:02:01,623
Oh, wait a second.
60
00:02:01,709 --> 00:02:03,125
You can do it,
but I can't do it?
61
00:02:03,260 --> 00:02:05,761
(overlapping shouting)
62
00:02:05,846 --> 00:02:07,462
Get in there, get in there.
63
00:02:07,548 --> 00:02:10,299
(all groaning)
Oh!
64
00:02:11,468 --> 00:02:14,353
(haunting Western music)
65
00:02:14,471 --> 00:02:18,475
66
00:02:33,598 --> 00:02:37,111
Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com
67
00:02:38,662 --> 00:02:40,746
- So we're good friends, right?
- Mm-hmm.
68
00:02:40,831 --> 00:02:44,716
So if you found out
69
00:02:44,835 --> 00:02:48,420
that I had killed somebody...
70
00:02:48,505 --> 00:02:50,339
Mm hmm.
71
00:02:50,474 --> 00:02:52,474
Would you snitch?
72
00:02:55,062 --> 00:02:56,311
No.
73
00:02:56,397 --> 00:02:58,146
Clearly, you would snitch.
74
00:02:58,232 --> 00:03:00,399
You would go
straight to the fuzz.
75
00:03:00,517 --> 00:03:02,067
(tapping)
76
00:03:02,186 --> 00:03:03,569
Is the word "murder"
with two Rs?
77
00:03:03,687 --> 00:03:04,570
Okay.
78
00:03:04,688 --> 00:03:06,605
(haunting Western music)
79
00:03:16,200 --> 00:03:18,617
(snaps)
First things first.
80
00:03:18,702 --> 00:03:20,369
I do not care that you're
81
00:03:20,504 --> 00:03:23,005
a multi-platinum selling
rapper, Gun Rack.
82
00:03:23,090 --> 00:03:25,457
What I care about
is that I, 100%,
83
00:03:25,542 --> 00:03:27,542
know that you murdered
Darnell Simmons.
84
00:03:27,678 --> 00:03:29,878
So,
you better start talking.
85
00:03:29,964 --> 00:03:32,881
(dramatic music)
86
00:03:33,017 --> 00:03:36,134
87
00:03:36,220 --> 00:03:38,887
(softly) Yeah,
but you ain't got nothing.
88
00:03:38,973 --> 00:03:41,023
Oh. Uh, you know,
89
00:03:41,108 --> 00:03:43,892
I'm actually, I'm very glad
that you said that.
90
00:03:43,978 --> 00:03:48,397
Because I-- respectfully,
I beg to differ.
91
00:03:48,532 --> 00:03:49,898
(hip hop music
on tape player)
92
00:03:50,034 --> 00:03:53,201
I killed Darnell, yeah,
I shot him with my nine
93
00:03:53,287 --> 00:03:56,738
I shot him nine times,
9:00 PM on the dime
94
00:03:56,824 --> 00:03:59,574
And by the way,
it was November 9th
95
00:03:59,710 --> 00:04:00,709
(music stops)
96
00:04:06,500 --> 00:04:09,001
That don't mean nothing.
97
00:04:10,504 --> 00:04:13,255
I got a vivid imagination.
98
00:04:13,340 --> 00:04:16,925
I couldn't have shot
Darnell.
99
00:04:17,061 --> 00:04:20,512
I was at my cousin's
birthday party.
100
00:04:20,597 --> 00:04:23,315
Red Lobster, November 9th.
101
00:04:23,434 --> 00:04:25,434
- At Red Lobster?
- Mm-hmm.
102
00:04:25,519 --> 00:04:26,852
Geez, I got to tell you,
Gun Rack,
103
00:04:26,937 --> 00:04:30,355
I find that really hard
to believe.
104
00:04:30,441 --> 00:04:32,274
(music continues)
I got an alibi
105
00:04:32,409 --> 00:04:33,942
Birthday,
Red Lobster
106
00:04:34,078 --> 00:04:38,113
When in reality I shot
Darnell like a mobster
107
00:04:38,248 --> 00:04:40,699
It's a lie,
Anyone could tell this
108
00:04:40,784 --> 00:04:43,418
Because I got an allergy
to all shellfish
109
00:04:43,504 --> 00:04:45,337
(music stops)
110
00:04:45,456 --> 00:04:47,122
Just confess, Gun Rack.
111
00:04:47,207 --> 00:04:50,509
I confess that "shellfish"
is the only thing
112
00:04:50,627 --> 00:04:53,762
that rhymes with "tell this".
113
00:04:53,847 --> 00:04:58,266
It's just words, Detective.
114
00:04:58,352 --> 00:05:00,719
Nouns, adjectives.
115
00:05:00,804 --> 00:05:03,805
That just happen to be
in a dope order.
116
00:05:03,891 --> 00:05:08,560
But...you ain't got no proof.
117
00:05:08,645 --> 00:05:10,729
(music continues)
Shot up Darnell
118
00:05:10,814 --> 00:05:12,147
With a long-ass gun
119
00:05:12,232 --> 00:05:15,283
And I tossed it
into the aquarium
120
00:05:15,369 --> 00:05:17,703
121
00:05:17,821 --> 00:05:20,155
I have no idea
what that object is.
122
00:05:20,290 --> 00:05:23,158
- I don't--
- If I had to identify it,
123
00:05:23,243 --> 00:05:27,996
I would call it a gun
of the long-ass variety.
124
00:05:28,132 --> 00:05:31,833
Some seaweed in there, too.
Look, Detective.
125
00:05:31,919 --> 00:05:33,752
I hate to break it to you.
126
00:05:33,837 --> 00:05:36,505
I ain't kill nobody.
127
00:05:36,640 --> 00:05:37,839
(music continues)
128
00:05:37,975 --> 00:05:40,976
I stroke my chin real slow
when I'm lying
129
00:05:41,061 --> 00:05:43,979
And I was laughing super hard
as Darnell was dying
130
00:05:44,064 --> 00:05:49,017
The name of the album
is I Killed Darnell Simmons.
131
00:05:49,153 --> 00:05:50,936
- It's a concept album.
- A concept--
132
00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:52,521
That's a picture of you.
133
00:05:52,606 --> 00:05:57,576
A picture of you, and behind you
is Darnell Simmons's body!
134
00:06:00,831 --> 00:06:02,080
Coincidence.
135
00:06:02,199 --> 00:06:04,166
You're going away
for a long time, you understand?
136
00:06:04,251 --> 00:06:06,535
You're gonna confess if it's
the last thing you ever do,
137
00:06:06,670 --> 00:06:08,253
you hear me, Gun Rack?
I'll beat it out of you.
138
00:06:08,372 --> 00:06:09,337
- Joe.
- I'll beat it out of you.
139
00:06:09,423 --> 00:06:10,422
Joe!
140
00:06:15,212 --> 00:06:16,545
He's free to go.
141
00:06:16,630 --> 00:06:18,096
What?
No. No, no, no, no, no.
142
00:06:18,215 --> 00:06:19,464
We have everything
we need.
143
00:06:19,550 --> 00:06:20,932
No, it was Simmons's
girlfriend.
144
00:06:21,051 --> 00:06:22,384
She just confessed
to the whole thing.
145
00:06:22,519 --> 00:06:26,271
Infidelity.
Crime of passion.
146
00:06:26,390 --> 00:06:27,639
Let's go, Mr. Rack.
147
00:06:27,724 --> 00:06:30,659
(dramatic music)
148
00:06:30,727 --> 00:06:38,733
149
00:06:42,623 --> 00:06:44,790
(music from tape player)
Bonus track, bonus track.
150
00:06:44,908 --> 00:06:46,324
Got a ride or die bitch
151
00:06:46,410 --> 00:06:48,210
I think you get the gist
152
00:06:48,295 --> 00:06:51,580
And when you let me out,
I'm gonna blow a little kiss
153
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:54,549
Consider this my confession
admissible in a court
154
00:06:54,635 --> 00:06:57,052
I killed Darnell Simmons
for sport
155
00:06:57,647 --> 00:07:00,348
(laughs)
That's right, I'm a murderer
156
00:07:00,352 --> 00:07:01,751
-
Come and get me
- Hector, stop!
157
00:07:01,782 --> 00:07:03,809
You can't,
come down the hall and get me
158
00:07:03,927 --> 00:07:04,810
Okay, okay,
you got me
159
00:07:04,928 --> 00:07:06,061
You got me, you got me.
160
00:07:06,146 --> 00:07:08,230
Yes. Whoa, whoa. Damn.
Ow, ow!
161
00:07:11,844 --> 00:07:13,444
(haunting Western music)
162
00:07:19,761 --> 00:07:21,344
Oh, please don't say
anything.
163
00:07:21,440 --> 00:07:23,150
Please just keep
it to yourself, whatever--
164
00:07:23,158 --> 00:07:24,805
(sneezes)
165
00:07:24,924 --> 00:07:27,892
Oh.
Thought you had an idea.
166
00:07:27,977 --> 00:07:28,893
I do.
167
00:07:28,978 --> 00:07:30,728
[bleep]
168
00:07:30,813 --> 00:07:34,732
- We need to make an app.
- Like, for a smartphone?
169
00:07:34,817 --> 00:07:36,267
An app that all the people
170
00:07:36,402 --> 00:07:39,403
could download and then
we make millions.
171
00:07:39,489 --> 00:07:41,294
It's just, that [bleep]'s hard
to come up with, man.
172
00:07:41,313 --> 00:07:43,074
It's like catching lightning
in a bottle.
173
00:07:43,159 --> 00:07:44,658
I already got that.
174
00:07:44,777 --> 00:07:45,993
You got what?
175
00:07:46,112 --> 00:07:47,361
Lightning in a bottle.
176
00:07:47,447 --> 00:07:48,946
Really, what's the idea?
177
00:07:49,082 --> 00:07:50,865
No, no idea.
178
00:07:50,950 --> 00:07:53,918
I got actual lightning
in a bottle.
179
00:07:54,003 --> 00:07:55,369
No, Levi.
180
00:07:55,455 --> 00:07:57,170
That's just a phrase.
181
00:07:58,374 --> 00:07:59,373
I got that, dog.
182
00:07:59,459 --> 00:08:00,541
(static electricity buzzing)
183
00:08:00,626 --> 00:08:02,324
Lightning in a bottle.
Blip.
184
00:08:02,367 --> 00:08:04,628
That's crazy, son.
Where'd you get that?
185
00:08:04,764 --> 00:08:08,466
Some old Chinese man
sold it to me years ago.
186
00:08:08,601 --> 00:08:10,968
I mean, that's some
supernatural [bleep], man.
187
00:08:11,104 --> 00:08:12,053
Nah, man.
188
00:08:12,138 --> 00:08:13,804
All it does is this.
189
00:08:13,940 --> 00:08:14,805
Oh, [bleep]!
190
00:08:14,941 --> 00:08:15,940
Oh, the lightning!
191
00:08:16,025 --> 00:08:18,109
Oh!
192
00:08:18,194 --> 00:08:19,610
I got it.
(sniffs)
193
00:08:20,821 --> 00:08:22,850
But seriously, man.
194
00:08:23,866 --> 00:08:26,313
Would it be like an app
that reminds you
195
00:08:26,364 --> 00:08:28,608
when your favorite television
shows are on?
196
00:08:28,692 --> 00:08:33,087
No. It--we got to address this
crazy-ass bottle that you got.
197
00:08:34,377 --> 00:08:36,160
What bottle?
198
00:08:36,245 --> 00:08:38,162
[bleep], what bottle?
199
00:08:38,297 --> 00:08:42,750
The bottle with
the lightning in it.
200
00:08:42,835 --> 00:08:45,503
Are you still on that?
201
00:08:45,588 --> 00:08:47,671
Yes. How does it work?
202
00:08:47,986 --> 00:08:49,485
Cedric, I don't know.
203
00:08:49,571 --> 00:08:52,021
It's the classic lightning
in the bottle gag.
204
00:08:52,107 --> 00:08:53,656
Classic li--
205
00:08:53,742 --> 00:08:55,024
You just open it up--
206
00:08:55,110 --> 00:08:56,359
(shouting)
207
00:08:56,494 --> 00:08:57,610
(shrilly)
Oh! Oh!
208
00:08:57,696 --> 00:08:59,696
Lightning in the house!
Lightning in the room!
209
00:09:02,751 --> 00:09:03,866
Okay, you know what?
210
00:09:03,952 --> 00:09:05,285
- You shouldn't have this.
- What?
211
00:09:05,370 --> 00:09:06,869
This [bleep]-- This [bleep]
belongs to
212
00:09:06,955 --> 00:09:08,121
the military or something.
213
00:09:08,206 --> 00:09:09,205
But that app, though.
214
00:09:09,341 --> 00:09:11,040
No. We don't need the app.
215
00:09:11,176 --> 00:09:13,690
You've got the goose
that laid the golden egg.
216
00:09:14,296 --> 00:09:15,712
How do you know about Honkers?
217
00:09:15,797 --> 00:09:17,880
(mysterious music)
218
00:09:17,966 --> 00:09:19,932
What?
This mother--
219
00:09:20,051 --> 00:09:20,967
(honk)
220
00:09:21,052 --> 00:09:22,018
Honkers.
221
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,770
Get in on this app idea.
222
00:09:23,888 --> 00:09:25,188
(Honker honks)
- You like it?
223
00:09:25,273 --> 00:09:28,057
(Honkers honks)
- He likes it.
224
00:09:28,193 --> 00:09:31,361
Yep. He got a goddamn
golden egg.
225
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:34,397
Honkers here is the cat's
pajamas.
226
00:09:34,532 --> 00:09:36,449
(ominous music)
227
00:09:36,568 --> 00:09:37,483
No, please don't. Don't.
228
00:09:37,569 --> 00:09:38,701
I want to show you somhing.
229
00:09:38,787 --> 00:09:40,119
Whatever it is,
I don't want to see it.
230
00:09:40,238 --> 00:09:43,206
- It's relevant.
- I already know what it is.
231
00:09:43,291 --> 00:09:46,876
It ain't what you think.
232
00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,996
Well, what I think it is
is a pair of cat's pajamas.
233
00:09:50,081 --> 00:09:53,082
Yes. These are for Honkers
to wear.
234
00:09:53,218 --> 00:09:55,468
[bleep], what?
235
00:09:55,587 --> 00:09:57,003
The little neck in there.
236
00:09:57,088 --> 00:09:58,254
The neck--
237
00:09:58,340 --> 00:10:01,724
how you gonna fit his head
through this--with the--
238
00:10:01,810 --> 00:10:03,843
the orange pump [bleep].
239
00:10:03,928 --> 00:10:05,345
(honks)
240
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:10,266
I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave my house.
241
00:10:10,352 --> 00:10:11,317
Why?
242
00:10:11,436 --> 00:10:16,489
Because you disrespected
my roommate.
243
00:10:16,608 --> 00:10:18,941
Okay. Okay.
244
00:10:19,027 --> 00:10:21,661
It's clear that this is
a crazy house. So I got to go.
245
00:10:21,780 --> 00:10:23,879
You over here talking
about geese and golden eggs
246
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:25,198
and feline sleepwear.
247
00:10:25,283 --> 00:10:28,584
- (honk)
- Come on, man. Cedric.
248
00:10:28,670 --> 00:10:31,163
You need to get off
your high horse, man.
249
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:35,007
Hey, I just thought of a name
for you.
250
00:10:35,126 --> 00:10:38,511
251
00:10:38,630 --> 00:10:40,263
High Horse.
252
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:42,965
(neighing)
253
00:10:43,101 --> 00:10:44,967
(haunting Western music)
254
00:10:48,473 --> 00:10:49,972
You get on that sext tip?
255
00:10:50,108 --> 00:10:52,392
Yeah, I've sent
explicit texts to my bride.
256
00:10:52,477 --> 00:10:53,693
There you go. That's it.
257
00:10:53,812 --> 00:10:55,945
- That's it.
- Yeah, I'll just--send it off.
258
00:10:56,030 --> 00:10:57,563
'Cause
I know what it does to her.
259
00:10:57,649 --> 00:10:59,649
Like, I know what kind of effect
it would have on her.
260
00:10:59,784 --> 00:11:00,983
- And she'd just--oh!
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
261
00:11:01,119 --> 00:11:02,985
That's a big part of it.
But then you got to follow
262
00:11:03,121 --> 00:11:05,154
through with the whole
sext thing.
263
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:09,125
It's like, you just type
the word "insertion".
264
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,377
- Mm-hmm.
- Send.
265
00:11:11,496 --> 00:11:13,212
That's the whole thing.
I'm done.
266
00:11:13,331 --> 00:11:15,131
Shouldn't you write, like,
"insertion",
267
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:17,834
and then, the next one
you should just write "in."
268
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:20,303
And then the next one
is "out."
269
00:11:20,388 --> 00:11:22,338
And then "in."
And then "out."
270
00:11:22,424 --> 00:11:23,723
Just send a bunch of those.
271
00:11:23,842 --> 00:11:26,142
Some guys
go longer than other.
272
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,678
What? So yjustone
at "insertion"?
273
00:11:28,813 --> 00:11:31,063
Sometimes I'm just "inserti--,"
and then--
274
00:11:31,182 --> 00:11:34,734
- And then it's done?
- I'll just hit "send."
275
00:11:34,853 --> 00:11:36,986
(haunting Western music)
276
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:41,073
(bluesy music)
277
00:11:42,444 --> 00:11:45,278
Ha ha.
Whoo-whee!
278
00:11:45,747 --> 00:11:47,413
Miss Clarissa,
I'm gonna tell you, girl.
279
00:11:47,549 --> 00:11:49,749
In that dress,
you looking about as sweet
280
00:11:49,885 --> 00:11:53,553
as a field full of honeysuckle
after a spring rain shower.
281
00:11:53,638 --> 00:11:57,140
(chuckles)
How do you do it, girl?
282
00:11:57,259 --> 00:12:00,009
Mm!
That ass, though.
283
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,149
- What was that?
- What was what?
284
00:12:06,268 --> 00:12:07,567
What you just said to her.
285
00:12:07,652 --> 00:12:09,936
Oh. Well, I was
just following your lead.
286
00:12:10,071 --> 00:12:11,271
No you wasn't.
287
00:12:11,356 --> 00:12:13,439
You was being all heavy-handed
with it, man.
288
00:12:13,575 --> 00:12:16,075
You got to be subtle.
289
00:12:16,161 --> 00:12:18,027
- Subtle.
- Exactly.
290
00:12:18,113 --> 00:12:20,914
You got to be subtle if you
wanna talk to them ladies.
291
00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:21,915
I can do that.
292
00:12:22,000 --> 00:12:22,949
(bluesy harmonica)
293
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:25,451
Whoo hoo hoo!
Whee!
294
00:12:25,537 --> 00:12:27,787
Miss Denise, girl,
295
00:12:27,923 --> 00:12:29,422
the way that dress
is flowing,
296
00:12:29,507 --> 00:12:32,759
you look like a mountain creek
after a spring thaw.
297
00:12:32,844 --> 00:12:34,961
Simply refreshing.
298
00:12:35,046 --> 00:12:37,547
What...is...your...secret?
299
00:12:37,632 --> 00:12:39,799
The way that dress
fitting on you
300
00:12:39,885 --> 00:12:42,852
got them...titties
popping out.
301
00:12:44,105 --> 00:12:46,222
- What--
- Amazing.
302
00:12:46,308 --> 00:12:49,275
What. Is. Your.
Secret?
303
00:12:49,361 --> 00:12:50,977
What are you--
What are you doing?
304
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:52,896
I was just doing
what you was doing.
305
00:12:52,981 --> 00:12:54,147
No, you wasn't.
306
00:12:54,282 --> 00:12:56,983
I even said
"What. Is. Your. Secret?"
307
00:12:57,118 --> 00:12:59,068
- That's verbatim!
- That part was.
308
00:12:59,154 --> 00:13:01,621
Did you hear me say anything
about anybody's titties?
309
00:13:03,158 --> 00:13:04,040
No.
310
00:13:04,159 --> 00:13:05,375
You know what?
311
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:08,322
How about we just say
no words altogether.
312
00:13:08,394 --> 00:13:10,129
- No words altogether.
- Mm-hmm.
313
00:13:10,215 --> 00:13:11,664
- Question.
- Yes?
314
00:13:11,750 --> 00:13:13,967
- How will I talk?
- You're not gonna talk, okay?
315
00:13:14,052 --> 00:13:15,001
All right.
316
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:17,003
Hoo hoo whee!
317
00:13:17,088 --> 00:13:19,722
Ladies, I'm sorry,
y'all hurt my eye.
318
00:13:19,841 --> 00:13:22,342
Y'all just, like, smoldering.
Like the sun.
319
00:13:22,427 --> 00:13:25,511
And just as bright in them
beautiful dresses.
320
00:13:25,597 --> 00:13:27,597
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-mm!
321
00:13:27,682 --> 00:13:30,266
Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-
mm-mm--
322
00:13:30,352 --> 00:13:32,936
Mm! Mm! Mm!
Vagina.
323
00:13:34,322 --> 00:13:35,521
What the hell was that?
324
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,607
Oh. I did say a word
at the end there, didn't I?
325
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:39,525
Did you see the part
where all this was going on
326
00:13:39,661 --> 00:13:41,077
and shaking your tail feathers
and whatnot?
327
00:13:41,196 --> 00:13:44,497
I didn't see it--I got
the worst view in the house.
328
00:13:44,582 --> 00:13:46,532
That's what
chased them away, man.
329
00:13:46,668 --> 00:13:48,368
- All right.
- You know what?
330
00:13:48,453 --> 00:13:50,703
- Stay away from me.
- All right.
331
00:13:54,342 --> 00:13:56,342
Whoo whee!
332
00:13:56,428 --> 00:13:59,095
Miss Laverne.
333
00:13:59,214 --> 00:14:03,216
You like
a long-stemmed rose,
334
00:14:03,351 --> 00:14:04,634
the way
you looking and smelling.
335
00:14:04,719 --> 00:14:06,185
Mm-mm-mm-mm!
336
00:14:06,271 --> 00:14:09,022
What is your recipe?
337
00:14:09,107 --> 00:14:10,606
Damn, boy.
338
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:13,276
I bet you got a big old dick
and balls.
339
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:15,478
I love you.
340
00:14:20,231 --> 00:14:21,864
(haunting Western music)
341
00:14:38,522 --> 00:14:40,472
Lee! Lee!
342
00:14:40,608 --> 00:14:41,807
Oh, [bleep]!
343
00:14:41,892 --> 00:14:43,892
Oh, Lee, I'm sorry,
buddy.
344
00:14:43,978 --> 00:14:45,611
I can't believe it.
345
00:14:45,696 --> 00:14:47,029
Thank you so much
for coming.
346
00:14:47,148 --> 00:14:49,315
I haven't seen you
in years.
347
00:14:49,400 --> 00:14:51,367
Oh...
348
00:14:51,485 --> 00:14:53,202
Yeah.
349
00:14:53,321 --> 00:14:56,038
Oh!
350
00:14:56,157 --> 00:14:59,325
Yeah, hey.
351
00:15:01,712 --> 00:15:02,828
Stuart!
352
00:15:02,963 --> 00:15:05,130
- Yes!Man.
353
00:15:05,216 --> 00:15:06,799
Oh, I haven't seen you since--
354
00:15:06,884 --> 00:15:08,000
- Eighth grade.
- Eighth grade.
355
00:15:08,085 --> 00:15:10,135
- Miss Lacy's class?
- Yeah...I know, I know.
356
00:15:10,221 --> 00:15:12,871
Miss Lacy's class!
Ha ha!
357
00:15:12,973 --> 00:15:14,526
Oh, you brought me
flowers?
358
00:15:14,673 --> 00:15:15,891
Mm-hmm.
359
00:15:16,010 --> 00:15:17,676
That's awesome.
That's awesome.
360
00:15:17,762 --> 00:15:19,561
I bought these at a store
for you.
361
00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:22,648
You didn't have
to bring me flowers, man.
362
00:15:22,733 --> 00:15:24,483
Here you go.
363
00:15:24,568 --> 00:15:26,685
Crazy the way
I went out like that, huh?
364
00:15:26,821 --> 00:15:28,070
- Yeah.
- What was that?
365
00:15:28,189 --> 00:15:30,689
- What?
I was like, when I heard,
366
00:15:30,775 --> 00:15:32,574
I was like, "What the [bleep]?"
367
00:15:32,693 --> 00:15:34,693
Oh, well of course, I mean--
[bleep] Boulder?
368
00:15:34,829 --> 00:15:36,695
Who'd have thought!
369
00:15:36,781 --> 00:15:38,330
Boulder. Right.
I mean it's like,
370
00:15:38,416 --> 00:15:40,082
who gets killed
by a boulder these days?
371
00:15:40,201 --> 00:15:41,784
Well, I mean-- I mean,
not me.
372
00:15:41,869 --> 00:15:43,419
I mean I was
in Boulder, Colorado.
373
00:15:43,537 --> 00:15:45,454
I was hiking, and then
I fell off that mountain.
374
00:15:45,539 --> 00:15:46,672
Remember?
375
00:15:46,757 --> 00:15:48,507
You remember, right?
Boulder, Colorado.
376
00:15:48,592 --> 00:15:49,875
- Yeah!
- I was hiking, and then I--
377
00:15:49,960 --> 00:15:51,677
- No, I-I know!
- I was dehydrated,
378
00:15:51,762 --> 00:15:53,045
then they
couldn't find me.
379
00:15:53,180 --> 00:15:56,048
No, I was saying,
like, if you think about it,
380
00:15:56,133 --> 00:15:58,050
Boulder killed you.
381
00:15:58,135 --> 00:15:59,268
Well, not really Boulder.
382
00:15:59,387 --> 00:16:00,552
I wouldn't say the city,
per se.
383
00:16:00,688 --> 00:16:02,354
It was the-- It was the cougar
that got me.
384
00:16:02,440 --> 00:16:03,772
And then that's what everyone.
385
00:16:03,891 --> 00:16:05,891
I mean, God, I was out there
for like, three weeks.
386
00:16:05,976 --> 00:16:07,393
- Yeah.
- Jeez.
387
00:16:07,478 --> 00:16:08,861
But that's neither here
nor there.
388
00:16:08,946 --> 00:16:10,112
So, hey, did you get
389
00:16:10,231 --> 00:16:11,864
that LinkedIn invitation
I sent you before I died?
390
00:16:11,949 --> 00:16:13,365
I-- You know,
391
00:16:13,451 --> 00:16:14,900
um, I mean, I don't--
392
00:16:15,035 --> 00:16:16,735
when I see LinkedIn,
393
00:16:16,871 --> 00:16:18,570
I just delete it
without even checking,
394
00:16:18,656 --> 00:16:20,539
- because I've just got...
- No, no, I got you.
395
00:16:20,624 --> 00:16:21,657
- so much...on my plate.
- Totally, yh.
396
00:16:21,742 --> 00:16:22,825
- I get it, I get it.
- So...
397
00:16:22,910 --> 00:16:26,879
Hey, so w-what
did you want to say to me?
398
00:16:26,964 --> 00:16:28,580
- Um, what do you mean?
- You know, that's why
399
00:16:28,666 --> 00:16:30,165
people come
to graveyards, right?
400
00:16:30,251 --> 00:16:31,583
Is so you can say
the stuff
401
00:16:31,669 --> 00:16:33,385
- that you wish you had said...
- Right, right--
402
00:16:33,471 --> 00:16:35,721
when someone was alive,
right?
403
00:16:35,806 --> 00:16:37,756
Oh, my God.
There's so much stuff.
404
00:16:37,842 --> 00:16:39,007
Okay, where do I start?
405
00:16:39,093 --> 00:16:40,926
- Um...
- Take your time, man.
406
00:16:41,061 --> 00:16:44,179
You can lay a couple on me today
and then come back.
407
00:16:44,265 --> 00:16:47,433
Yeah, I mean--yeah,
I can get it done here.
408
00:16:47,568 --> 00:16:48,767
'Cause that's the whole reason
409
00:16:48,903 --> 00:16:50,853
- I came down here, you know.
- Sure. Yeah, yeah.
410
00:16:50,938 --> 00:16:53,822
Plus my grandfather's
like two rows down there.
411
00:16:53,941 --> 00:16:56,775
- Oh.
- I was gonna come to you,
412
00:16:56,861 --> 00:16:58,193
say some things to you,
413
00:16:58,279 --> 00:17:02,498
go to him,
and sort of finish up...
414
00:17:02,616 --> 00:17:04,833
- Oh...
- there.
415
00:17:04,952 --> 00:17:06,618
But you were coming
to see me too?
416
00:17:06,754 --> 00:17:08,287
Totally, totally, totally.
417
00:17:08,422 --> 00:17:09,872
Well, fire away, man.
418
00:17:09,957 --> 00:17:11,957
You're the only good friend
I have who's come to visit.
419
00:17:12,092 --> 00:17:14,293
Yeah.
420
00:17:14,378 --> 00:17:15,677
Really? Yeah.
421
00:17:15,796 --> 00:17:17,346
Uh-huh.
422
00:17:17,465 --> 00:17:20,466
I just wanted to, uh,
say that, oh,
423
00:17:20,601 --> 00:17:23,185
if you see my grandfather,
424
00:17:23,304 --> 00:17:25,137
maybe you could
just tell him that--
425
00:17:25,272 --> 00:17:27,806
Okay, so you didn't
come here to visit me.
426
00:17:27,892 --> 00:17:29,308
You came here
to see your grandfather.
427
00:17:29,443 --> 00:17:30,692
I get it.
428
00:17:30,811 --> 00:17:33,445
Well, what do you mean?
What are you talking about?
429
00:17:33,531 --> 00:17:35,614
Oh--pffft!
[bleep], please.
430
00:17:35,699 --> 00:17:37,983
I'm here to see you.
431
00:17:38,068 --> 00:17:39,234
- Why--
- Right.
432
00:17:39,320 --> 00:17:41,153
Okay. It's cool.
You know what,
433
00:17:41,238 --> 00:17:44,039
I'm just gonna, you know,
go back to the afterlife.
434
00:17:44,158 --> 00:17:45,374
I'm sorry.
I'm behind hostile.
435
00:17:45,493 --> 00:17:47,159
It's just a little
embarrassed right now,
436
00:17:47,244 --> 00:17:49,661
- a little taken off guard.
- I'm just gonna...
437
00:17:51,749 --> 00:17:53,298
No, go ahead, take them.
Get them.
438
00:17:53,384 --> 00:17:55,217
- Yeah.
- Go ahead, get them, Get them.
439
00:17:57,338 --> 00:17:59,505
(mumbling)
440
00:18:03,799 --> 00:18:05,966
Oh, uh,
just a heads up, though, Lee.
441
00:18:06,052 --> 00:18:09,803
Um, I'm probably gonna haunt you
for the rest of your life,
442
00:18:09,939 --> 00:18:11,138
and if you have a daughter,
443
00:18:11,223 --> 00:18:12,940
I'm gonna
possess the creepiest doll
444
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:14,308
- in her bedroom.
- No.
445
00:18:14,393 --> 00:18:15,442
- Just so yoknow. - No,,
446
00:18:15,528 --> 00:18:17,277
wait, wait, wait.
Stevie, Stevie, Stevie.
447
00:18:17,363 --> 00:18:18,779
Stuart!
448
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:24,318
(haunting Western music)
449
00:18:25,055 --> 00:18:26,839
- Do you believe in ghosts?
- I'm not-- No.
450
00:18:26,872 --> 00:18:28,656
I'm not a big ghost guy.
451
00:18:28,741 --> 00:18:30,207
I don't have any ghosts
in my house.
452
00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:31,792
I know a lot of people
just talking about, "Oh, yeah,
453
00:18:31,877 --> 00:18:33,327
"there's a ghost.
There's a ghost.
454
00:18:33,412 --> 00:18:34,878
- "I feel her."
- "Oh, she's there."
455
00:18:34,997 --> 00:18:36,497
"I feel her presence
every time
456
00:18:36,632 --> 00:18:38,499
- I go to the dining room."
- My aunt had a ghost.
457
00:18:38,584 --> 00:18:40,417
She used to say,
and she goes, "And then one day,
458
00:18:40,503 --> 00:18:41,669
"I just named him Phillip."
459
00:18:41,804 --> 00:18:44,054
That's the crazy [bleep],
when a mother[bleep]
460
00:18:44,173 --> 00:18:47,424
is like so believes that there's
a ghost in their house
461
00:18:47,510 --> 00:18:49,843
that they've gone
past the point of being scared.
462
00:18:49,979 --> 00:18:52,179
They just say, "Oh, no,
that's just Phillip."
463
00:18:52,264 --> 00:18:53,981
- "Yeah, he floats up high..."
- "He's just knocking--
464
00:18:54,066 --> 00:18:56,517
He's just knocking the coriander
off of the spice shelf.
465
00:18:56,602 --> 00:18:58,018
- No big deal."
- "He's mad
466
00:18:58,046 --> 00:18:59,103
- 'cause I'm making chili."
- "Because I'm making
467
00:18:59,188 --> 00:19:00,154
- chili today."
- "He don't like chili."
468
00:19:00,239 --> 00:19:01,739
"He lives in the spice rack
469
00:19:01,857 --> 00:19:03,407
and doesn't want me messing
with all the stuff."
470
00:19:03,526 --> 00:19:04,942
- "Owes me a little rent."
- "Okay, Phillip."
471
00:19:05,027 --> 00:19:06,493
That's what my aunt
used to say.
472
00:19:06,579 --> 00:19:08,278
I said, "You got a straight
poltergeist in your house
473
00:19:08,364 --> 00:19:09,747
and you named him Phillip?"
474
00:19:09,865 --> 00:19:12,533
It's like, how about--
how about option B-- You crazy.
475
00:19:12,668 --> 00:19:13,584
(laughs)
476
00:19:13,703 --> 00:19:15,369
(haunting Western music)
477
00:19:17,708 --> 00:19:19,674
(police radio chatter)
478
00:19:19,760 --> 00:19:21,510
Look at this mess.
479
00:19:21,595 --> 00:19:23,712
Makes me sick.
480
00:19:23,797 --> 00:19:27,265
There's no way to stop
this kind of insane violence.
481
00:19:27,384 --> 00:19:28,529
Seems like no matter
what we do,
482
00:19:28,552 --> 00:19:30,413
some innocent fool
is always gonna get slaughtered,
483
00:19:30,437 --> 00:19:32,637
and we're always gonna
be playing catch up.
484
00:19:32,723 --> 00:19:36,224
We're never gonna find the guy
that did this.
485
00:19:36,955 --> 00:19:38,810
Tell that to his widow.
486
00:19:44,401 --> 00:19:46,034
And we're always going
to be playing catch up.
487
00:19:46,120 --> 00:19:48,164
We're never gonna find the guy
that did this.
488
00:19:49,039 --> 00:19:51,706
(sobbing)
489
00:20:00,467 --> 00:20:02,217
(haunting Western music)
490
00:20:05,629 --> 00:20:08,226
Do you ever pretend
like you understand something
491
00:20:08,304 --> 00:20:10,966
when you don't really
understand it?
492
00:20:11,101 --> 00:20:13,685
Yeah, to end conversations.
493
00:20:13,804 --> 00:20:15,804
Ha ha ha!
494
00:20:15,889 --> 00:20:19,191
If your significant other's
asking you a question,
495
00:20:19,309 --> 00:20:21,097
you ain't gonna be
like "I don't know."
496
00:20:21,164 --> 00:20:22,777
I won't do it.
It's so hard for me
497
00:20:22,863 --> 00:20:25,113
to just go,
"I don't know."
498
00:20:25,199 --> 00:20:26,565
You'd be like, "Well..."
499
00:20:26,650 --> 00:20:27,566
"Well..."
500
00:20:27,651 --> 00:20:29,150
It's probably the--
501
00:20:29,236 --> 00:20:31,319
the back of the airplane
that's heavier."
502
00:20:31,455 --> 00:20:32,954
- Right, right, right.
- "So that's why
503
00:20:33,040 --> 00:20:34,406
"it wants to take off
504
00:20:34,491 --> 00:20:36,408
- with the lightest part first."
- Yes.
505
00:20:36,493 --> 00:20:38,326
"Well, we're talking
about different parts of a cell.
506
00:20:38,462 --> 00:20:40,045
There's the, you know,
the mitochondria, there's
507
00:20:40,163 --> 00:20:41,830
- the endoplasmic reticulum"--
- Oh, just lipping now...
508
00:20:41,965 --> 00:20:43,999
And then I just out of--I just
say "endoplasmic reticulum"
509
00:20:44,134 --> 00:20:45,050
and then run out of the room.
510
00:20:45,168 --> 00:20:46,918
You're just talking
about riboflavin.
511
00:20:47,004 --> 00:20:48,086
Yeah, and then run.
Yeah, yeah.
512
00:20:48,171 --> 00:20:50,005
"Hemoglobin."
Run, run, go.
513
00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:51,673
Hemoglobin, hemoglobin,
hemoglobin...
514
00:20:51,758 --> 00:20:53,758
(both) Hemoglobin, hemoglobin,
hemoglobin, hemoglobin--
515
00:20:53,844 --> 00:20:55,760
I'm gonna do
my one line here
516
00:20:55,846 --> 00:20:57,679
Oh, yeah.
517
00:20:57,747 --> 00:20:59,938
Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com
518
00:20:59,988 --> 00:21:04,538
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
37054
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