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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,537 --> 00:00:01,636 - No, no, no. - Yes. 2 00:00:01,683 --> 00:00:03,525 Here's the thing. Here's the thing. 3 00:00:03,575 --> 00:00:04,288 - Okay. - Okay. 4 00:00:04,389 --> 00:00:05,572 I guarantee you. 5 00:00:05,624 --> 00:00:09,709 I guarantee you, if you look at Obamacare 25 years from now, 6 00:00:09,745 --> 00:00:12,913 and you look at the number of enrollees in that program-- 7 00:00:12,998 --> 00:00:14,080 No, no, no, no, listen. No, you've got it wrong. 8 00:00:14,166 --> 00:00:14,831 No, please, by all means, talk. 9 00:00:14,917 --> 00:00:15,981 You've got it wrong. 10 00:00:16,021 --> 00:00:17,634 You have to look at the amount of people 11 00:00:17,719 --> 00:00:19,136 enrolled in the healthcare system 12 00:00:19,221 --> 00:00:22,589 and the tremendous effect that it has on the economy. 13 00:00:22,641 --> 00:00:23,840 - You're missing the point. - If you're gonna-- 14 00:00:23,926 --> 00:00:25,091 - You are missing the point. - Oh, am I? 15 00:00:25,144 --> 00:00:27,154 What you have to do, what you have to do 16 00:00:27,208 --> 00:00:28,708 is look at the tremendous effect 17 00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:31,429 that Obamacare is having on the U.S. economy. 18 00:00:31,433 --> 00:00:34,067 And in addition, you have to look at the government bailouts 19 00:00:34,152 --> 00:00:35,665 of the auto industry and the banking industry. 20 00:00:35,714 --> 00:00:37,070 You've got it wrong. You've got it wrong. 21 00:00:37,155 --> 00:00:38,438 - I've got it wrong? - So wrong. 22 00:00:38,523 --> 00:00:41,491 You have to look at the effect on the banking industry 23 00:00:41,581 --> 00:00:43,410 as well as the auto industry, my friend. 24 00:00:43,495 --> 00:00:44,861 - Okay, listen. - When you do-- 25 00:00:44,913 --> 00:00:46,413 - The bottom line. - No, the only conclusion... 26 00:00:46,498 --> 00:00:47,530 The bottom line... 27 00:00:47,616 --> 00:00:49,218 (both) is that Obama is a disaster. 28 00:00:54,172 --> 00:00:55,766 Are you a Republican? 29 00:00:57,759 --> 00:00:59,410 Yes. 30 00:01:00,879 --> 00:01:04,547 I would like to apologize for this programming mistake. 31 00:01:04,599 --> 00:01:07,434 In the future, we will do better at choosing our guests 32 00:01:07,519 --> 00:01:09,891 here on Diametrically Opposed. 33 00:01:15,477 --> 00:01:18,617 (haunting western music) 34 00:01:18,725 --> 00:01:20,891 35 00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:40,214 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 36 00:01:42,387 --> 00:01:43,470 President, man. 37 00:01:43,555 --> 00:01:46,005 He's got two more years, dude. 38 00:01:46,091 --> 00:01:48,391 - Things are crazy right now. - Mm hmm. 39 00:01:48,426 --> 00:01:50,593 Man, it's-- this is crazy, people in ISIS just jam-- 40 00:01:50,645 --> 00:01:51,845 Jamming up the jimmer. 41 00:01:51,930 --> 00:01:53,930 Those dudes are tripping me out, dog. 42 00:01:54,015 --> 00:01:56,399 Where you-- Where y'all coming from? 43 00:01:56,434 --> 00:01:58,518 Dude, half them dudes used to be in Al-Qaeda. 44 00:01:58,603 --> 00:02:00,153 How ironic. 45 00:02:00,238 --> 00:02:02,939 Now the funny thing is ISIS happens, and now Obama's got 46 00:02:02,991 --> 00:02:04,107 to get all in the middle of that. 47 00:02:04,192 --> 00:02:06,776 You know, dude, I mean, 48 00:02:06,828 --> 00:02:08,444 can you imagine how done 49 00:02:08,530 --> 00:02:10,663 with this [bleep] Obama has got to be? 50 00:02:10,749 --> 00:02:12,115 - I mean, so stressful. - I can't imagine. 51 00:02:12,200 --> 00:02:14,202 He's gonna look like Rip Van Winkle when he's done. 52 00:02:14,230 --> 00:02:15,034 Yup. 53 00:02:15,120 --> 00:02:16,959 Wish I had some more things to say 54 00:02:17,036 --> 00:02:19,789 that weren't completely politically polarizing. 55 00:02:19,841 --> 00:02:20,875 I wish. 56 00:02:25,263 --> 00:02:28,765 57 00:02:33,305 --> 00:02:36,806 Brothers. Brothers, let us begin. 58 00:02:36,858 --> 00:02:41,728 I have convened this meeting to find out what you are doing. 59 00:02:41,813 --> 00:02:46,983 Why have we not taken a plane in 13 years? 60 00:02:47,035 --> 00:02:51,955 Khaliv. You don't even know. 61 00:02:51,990 --> 00:02:57,577 It is all because the cunning and mighty TSA 62 00:02:57,662 --> 00:03:00,413 is always one step ahead of us. 63 00:03:00,498 --> 00:03:03,249 - I do not believe it! - It's true. 64 00:03:03,335 --> 00:03:06,553 Last month, I attempted to take down a plane 65 00:03:06,638 --> 00:03:08,504 with a pair of scissors five inches long. 66 00:03:08,557 --> 00:03:11,090 That sounds like a perfect plan. 67 00:03:11,176 --> 00:03:12,759 Why did it not work? 68 00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:17,847 Because the shrewd TSA, 69 00:03:17,933 --> 00:03:19,349 they made restrictions 70 00:03:19,434 --> 00:03:22,018 so you can only take a four-inch scissors. 71 00:03:22,103 --> 00:03:22,936 - Four inches. - What? 72 00:03:23,021 --> 00:03:23,859 Yeah. 73 00:03:23,888 --> 00:03:25,655 How could they know that a five-inch blade 74 00:03:25,690 --> 00:03:27,657 is a dangerous weapon and a four-inch blade 75 00:03:27,692 --> 00:03:29,525 is no more than a child's play thing? 76 00:03:29,611 --> 00:03:32,946 That is the genius of TSA. 77 00:03:33,031 --> 00:03:34,831 They foil us at every turn. 78 00:03:34,866 --> 00:03:37,083 Devils! 79 00:03:37,168 --> 00:03:39,168 You know, it's the same way with the liquid. 80 00:03:39,204 --> 00:03:41,037 Oh, yeah. 81 00:03:41,122 --> 00:03:42,422 We all know how much devastation 82 00:03:42,507 --> 00:03:45,458 we can wreak with 3.5 ounces of liquid. 83 00:03:45,543 --> 00:03:47,627 The-- The damage is incalculable. 84 00:03:47,712 --> 00:03:49,295 The crafty TSA, 85 00:03:49,381 --> 00:03:53,433 they have limited passengers to only 3.4 ounces. 86 00:03:53,518 --> 00:03:54,384 Damn it! 87 00:03:54,469 --> 00:03:55,635 Yeah. 88 00:03:55,720 --> 00:03:58,187 Do none of you have the solution how-- 89 00:03:58,223 --> 00:04:00,273 for us to thwart this TSA? 90 00:04:00,358 --> 00:04:01,724 Khaliv, Khaliv. 91 00:04:01,776 --> 00:04:05,612 It's like you've been living in a-- well, here. 92 00:04:05,697 --> 00:04:10,233 Look... The TSA, they strike fear into my heart 93 00:04:10,285 --> 00:04:12,535 with their polyester shirts 94 00:04:12,570 --> 00:04:16,406 and their disposable rubber gloves. 95 00:04:16,491 --> 00:04:19,409 and the-- and the-- the sneaker shoes! 96 00:04:19,461 --> 00:04:21,461 They are so clever. 97 00:04:21,546 --> 00:04:22,996 - Clever. - Yes. 98 00:04:23,329 --> 00:04:27,216 They-- They act as if they are listless, overweight employees 99 00:04:27,252 --> 00:04:29,218 who don't give a [bleep]. 100 00:04:29,254 --> 00:04:31,721 When in reality, 101 00:04:31,756 --> 00:04:35,925 they are an elite force of anti-terrorist commandos! 102 00:04:35,977 --> 00:04:39,812 Oh, curse the brilliant TSA. 103 00:04:39,898 --> 00:04:41,230 If I may. 104 00:04:41,266 --> 00:04:46,903 I believe I have a way to triumph over the wily TSA. 105 00:04:46,938 --> 00:04:48,771 - Finally. - Okay. 106 00:04:48,857 --> 00:04:50,356 Let's give him a shot. 107 00:04:50,442 --> 00:04:54,110 I have a plan to put a bomb in a laptop, 108 00:04:54,195 --> 00:04:57,661 and it will detonate once you pull it from its case. 109 00:04:59,117 --> 00:05:01,751 Yes! Yes, it is perfect! 110 00:05:01,786 --> 00:05:05,575 Planes will rain down from the sky onto the infidels! 111 00:05:06,174 --> 00:05:11,711 (all chanting and singing) 112 00:05:12,964 --> 00:05:14,881 What? Parvez, what, what, what? 113 00:05:14,966 --> 00:05:17,600 S-- S-- Sneak in here for a second, 'cause I don't-- 114 00:05:17,635 --> 00:05:19,664 I don't want to be the bearer of bad news here-- 115 00:05:19,739 --> 00:05:21,354 - Then don't be! - Yet you are. 116 00:05:21,439 --> 00:05:27,026 It's as if the prophetic and all-knowing TSA 117 00:05:27,112 --> 00:05:29,979 has predicted your plan. 118 00:05:30,065 --> 00:05:32,315 They make you take the laptop out of the carrying case 119 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:34,484 and put it in a separate bin before you get on the plane. 120 00:05:34,536 --> 00:05:36,536 Come on, you've got to be kidding me. 121 00:05:36,621 --> 00:05:38,538 You've got to be kidding me. 122 00:05:38,623 --> 00:05:40,289 Are you kidding me, Parvez? 123 00:05:40,325 --> 00:05:42,186 'cause it's not a funny joke if it's a joke. 124 00:05:42,249 --> 00:05:43,910 It's no time for kidding. I wouldn't kid. 125 00:05:43,995 --> 00:05:45,211 - Oh, my God. - No. 126 00:05:45,296 --> 00:05:47,246 I cannot believe these mothers of devils. 127 00:05:47,332 --> 00:05:48,331 Yeah. 128 00:05:48,416 --> 00:05:50,083 Well, very well, then. 129 00:05:50,168 --> 00:05:52,051 Since you have all failed, 130 00:05:52,137 --> 00:05:56,055 I will tell you how we will destroy the nonbelievers. 131 00:05:56,141 --> 00:06:00,093 I have developed the smallest bomb possible. 132 00:06:00,178 --> 00:06:05,098 And it fits perfectly into this, 133 00:06:05,183 --> 00:06:10,319 a full-sized tube of toothpaste. 134 00:06:10,355 --> 00:06:12,739 Yes! It's really great, isn't it? 135 00:06:12,824 --> 00:06:14,478 - I mean, it's the-- - Don't do him like that. 136 00:06:14,529 --> 00:06:15,658 What's going on over here? 137 00:06:15,693 --> 00:06:16,943 What's the situation over here? 138 00:06:17,028 --> 00:06:20,413 Okay. 139 00:06:20,498 --> 00:06:23,032 Is there a version of the toothpaste bomb 140 00:06:23,084 --> 00:06:26,586 that comes in travel-size? 141 00:06:26,671 --> 00:06:28,204 You know what? It's like they're in our heads. 142 00:06:34,761 --> 00:06:37,712 Dude, sometimes my dogs just be looking forlorn. 143 00:06:37,864 --> 00:06:40,982 I'm like, "Are you depressed?" I'm like, dude. 144 00:06:41,068 --> 00:06:43,318 He's just pretty chill, I think. 145 00:06:43,370 --> 00:06:45,320 But I do feel like-- I feel kind of, like, 146 00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:47,205 bad for my dog, like. 147 00:06:47,291 --> 00:06:49,491 He's-- I'm just very conscious of the fact 148 00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:53,545 that he's not a human and can't understand 149 00:06:53,630 --> 00:06:57,215 how he's different from everybody around him. 150 00:06:57,301 --> 00:06:59,419 Right, but-- but-- but that's the good thing, 151 00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:00,611 is he can't understand. 152 00:07:00,675 --> 00:07:03,042 - He can't comprehend it. - But he wants to understand. 153 00:07:03,091 --> 00:07:04,005 - It's like-- - (laughs) 154 00:07:04,091 --> 00:07:05,340 You said-- 155 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,342 It's like, "Why are there different rules 156 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:09,664 "for me than these other beings around me?" 157 00:07:09,697 --> 00:07:10,679 Oh, no. 158 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,397 See, see, now you're treating him like a person. 159 00:07:12,482 --> 00:07:14,015 Well, your mother[bleep] sleep on your bed. 160 00:07:14,067 --> 00:07:15,483 Literally went to the chiropractor, 161 00:07:15,519 --> 00:07:17,185 went to the chiropractor and I said-- she said, "How are you?" 162 00:07:17,237 --> 00:07:18,520 I said, "I've been sleeping very well." 163 00:07:18,605 --> 00:07:20,405 She said, "No dogs in the bed?" and I went, "Yup." 164 00:07:20,490 --> 00:07:21,690 And you were telling the truth? 165 00:07:21,742 --> 00:07:22,657 That's right, I was in Michigan for two weeks, 166 00:07:22,693 --> 00:07:23,692 no dogs in the bed, 167 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,076 back was better. 168 00:07:25,162 --> 00:07:27,729 Come home, Cynthia got three people in the bed, 169 00:07:27,856 --> 00:07:29,948 like she in a hippie orgy. 170 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:31,533 Wait! Three people? 171 00:07:31,618 --> 00:07:32,751 You mean her and-- 172 00:07:32,836 --> 00:07:33,535 Three people, three-- her and the dogs, 173 00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:34,536 not three people. 174 00:07:34,588 --> 00:07:35,748 So you call the dogs people. 175 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,247 I just called the dogs people, which is-- which is something 176 00:07:37,278 --> 00:07:38,613 I accuse her of all the time. 177 00:07:38,635 --> 00:07:39,107 Yeah. 178 00:07:39,176 --> 00:07:40,141 I accuse her of that all the time. 179 00:07:40,210 --> 00:07:41,009 - I'm like-- - Yeah, yeah. 180 00:07:41,044 --> 00:07:42,377 You know they're not people. 181 00:07:42,429 --> 00:07:43,878 and then--and then she leaves the room, 182 00:07:43,964 --> 00:07:45,964 and I'm talking English to them like they know what's going on. 183 00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:53,722 - (all) Oh! - Whoo hoo hoo! 184 00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:57,309 Eduardo, man, you are so loco, man! 185 00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:58,610 Wow. 186 00:07:58,695 --> 00:08:00,945 We need a crazy vato like you in our gang. 187 00:08:01,031 --> 00:08:02,397 Si. 188 00:08:02,449 --> 00:08:05,900 With this bandana, I welcome you to the gang. 189 00:08:05,986 --> 00:08:07,118 Yo. 190 00:08:07,204 --> 00:08:08,119 Hold up. 191 00:08:08,205 --> 00:08:09,537 Oh... kay. 192 00:08:09,573 --> 00:08:10,739 What's going on? 193 00:08:10,824 --> 00:08:13,291 Hey. Carlito. 194 00:08:13,377 --> 00:08:17,023 Uh, I was just welcoming Eduardo into the gang. 195 00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,831 Why? Who he? 196 00:08:19,916 --> 00:08:21,416 What he did? 197 00:08:21,468 --> 00:08:23,835 He's-- He's crazy, man. 198 00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:27,005 We-- We were thinking that the gang needs a crazy guy. 199 00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:29,474 Yeah, yeah, man. This guy is loco. 200 00:08:29,559 --> 00:08:32,310 Show him, Eduardo. 201 00:08:37,768 --> 00:08:39,984 Loco! 202 00:08:40,070 --> 00:08:42,020 That's muy loco. 203 00:08:42,105 --> 00:08:43,438 Loco. Huh? 204 00:08:43,490 --> 00:08:46,608 No, no. I'm the loco one in this gang. 205 00:08:46,693 --> 00:08:48,660 What? Okay, okay. 206 00:08:48,745 --> 00:08:53,415 Check this out. 207 00:08:53,450 --> 00:08:55,834 Quack, quack, quack. Quack-quack. 208 00:08:55,919 --> 00:08:57,168 I'm a duck. 209 00:08:57,254 --> 00:08:58,703 I'm a crazy duck. 210 00:08:58,789 --> 00:08:59,954 - No--Carlito. - Quack. 211 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,623 Carlito, it's not that kind of loco, okay? 212 00:09:01,708 --> 00:09:03,734 That's more like, you know, zainy. 213 00:09:03,774 --> 00:09:04,926 Or-- Or goofy. 214 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,961 - Yeah. - It's the wrong kind of loco. 215 00:09:07,047 --> 00:09:08,630 You want to see loco? 216 00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:11,966 Carlito. You're not crazy. 217 00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:14,135 You're like, uh, the quiet one. 218 00:09:14,187 --> 00:09:15,553 I'm not quiet. 219 00:09:15,639 --> 00:09:17,722 I never be caught being quiet. 220 00:09:17,808 --> 00:09:21,226 In fact, I'm always loud. Check it. 221 00:09:21,311 --> 00:09:24,362 Ahh. 222 00:09:24,448 --> 00:09:25,530 Okay. Okay. 223 00:09:25,615 --> 00:09:27,782 That was weird. 224 00:09:27,818 --> 00:09:29,234 That was-- Were you yelling? 225 00:09:29,319 --> 00:09:31,453 I'll show you loco right here. 226 00:09:31,488 --> 00:09:33,204 Right now in broad daylight, yo. 227 00:09:33,290 --> 00:09:34,823 - Carlito, no. - Oh, my God. 228 00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:37,492 Carlito, pull up your pants, homes. 229 00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,577 I got Tilikum on my underwear. 230 00:09:39,663 --> 00:09:41,045 That's the black fish. 231 00:09:41,131 --> 00:09:42,914 I'm naked, and I don't even care. 232 00:09:42,999 --> 00:09:44,799 Carlito, you gotta pull 'em up, okay? 233 00:09:44,835 --> 00:09:46,968 There's, like, children in this neighborhood, okay? 234 00:09:47,003 --> 00:09:48,670 Okay. But check this out. 235 00:09:48,722 --> 00:09:52,424 I got nine punch cards from Froyo Universe, 236 00:09:52,509 --> 00:09:54,592 each with a one stamp in it. 237 00:09:54,678 --> 00:09:57,812 Every time I get a froyo, I get a new card. 238 00:09:57,848 --> 00:10:00,515 Carlito, that's just being cavalier with your finances 239 00:10:00,567 --> 00:10:02,517 instead of collecting your free dessert. 240 00:10:02,602 --> 00:10:03,935 I mean, that's not loco. 241 00:10:04,020 --> 00:10:06,688 That's just, like, financially irresponsible. 242 00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:10,191 I might not be loco, but you know who is loco? 243 00:10:10,243 --> 00:10:13,218 My friend Mr. Basura-head. 244 00:10:14,998 --> 00:10:16,080 He's dumping the garbage. 245 00:10:16,166 --> 00:10:20,251 Hi, I'm the most loco person in here. 246 00:10:20,337 --> 00:10:21,870 Carlito. Why would you do that? 247 00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,037 Que? 248 00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:25,340 Carlito. 249 00:10:25,375 --> 00:10:26,624 Okay. 250 00:10:26,710 --> 00:10:29,461 Carlito... You don't have to do this, okay? 251 00:10:29,546 --> 00:10:32,714 It's not necessary. You're not the loco one. 252 00:10:32,766 --> 00:10:34,883 Check this out. 253 00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:38,219 Der. I feel-- Yeah, I'm crazy. 254 00:10:38,305 --> 00:10:41,523 I'm the loco one. 255 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,057 Carlito, please don't do it again. 256 00:10:43,109 --> 00:10:44,058 Ohh! 257 00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,393 Carlito, stop. 258 00:10:45,445 --> 00:10:46,804 I'm in too deep. 259 00:10:46,845 --> 00:10:48,980 This is like watching the British version of The Office. 260 00:10:49,065 --> 00:10:51,816 Like, it's funny, but awkward and sad at the same time. 261 00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:53,201 Yes. 262 00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:54,736 Oh! 263 00:10:54,821 --> 00:10:57,572 Well, I think I just proved this bottle is unbreakable. 264 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:58,907 (glass shattering) 265 00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:01,459 Carlito. You're embarrassing yourself. 266 00:11:01,545 --> 00:11:02,577 Look at this. 267 00:11:02,662 --> 00:11:04,245 No. No, no, no, Carlito. 268 00:11:04,297 --> 00:11:05,497 What are you gonna do with that? 269 00:11:05,582 --> 00:11:06,548 I don't know. 270 00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,166 I'm too crazy. 271 00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:10,802 Oh! 272 00:11:10,887 --> 00:11:13,254 Carlito, why would you do that, man? 273 00:11:13,340 --> 00:11:16,424 That was loco, but not in a entertaining way. 274 00:11:16,476 --> 00:11:19,060 Okay. 275 00:11:19,095 --> 00:11:20,428 Okay. 276 00:11:20,480 --> 00:11:22,680 Carlito, put down the gun, homes. 277 00:11:22,766 --> 00:11:24,065 Oh, don't you fear. 278 00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:25,233 - Put the gun down. - Put the gun down. 279 00:11:25,268 --> 00:11:27,235 The crazy, crazy one is here. 280 00:11:27,270 --> 00:11:28,403 - Carlit-- Stop! - Put it down. 281 00:11:28,438 --> 00:11:30,522 Oh, my staple hand. 282 00:11:30,607 --> 00:11:33,408 - Put the gun down. - Don't do that. 283 00:11:33,443 --> 00:11:34,609 - I shouldn't have done that. - Carlito, stop twirling it. 284 00:11:34,661 --> 00:11:37,445 Loco, loco, loco. Where she stops? 285 00:11:37,531 --> 00:11:42,417 Nobody know-- co-oh. 286 00:11:42,452 --> 00:11:43,751 - [bleep]! 287 00:11:43,787 --> 00:11:49,507 Carlito, you just shot Eduardo in the head! 288 00:11:49,593 --> 00:11:52,760 Now I'm the most loco in the gang? 289 00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,847 Yes, Carlito, by process of elimination, 290 00:11:55,932 --> 00:11:58,633 You're the most loco person in the gang. 291 00:11:58,685 --> 00:12:01,603 Yes. 292 00:12:01,638 --> 00:12:02,971 (all) Oh! 293 00:12:03,056 --> 00:12:04,556 Loco! 294 00:12:04,641 --> 00:12:07,475 He caught the bullet. Orale! 295 00:12:07,527 --> 00:12:08,726 He caught the bullet in his teeth! 296 00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:10,061 Loco! 297 00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:11,978 That's the most loco-est thing I ever seen! 298 00:12:12,081 --> 00:12:13,626 (all) No, no! (gun shot) 299 00:12:17,384 --> 00:12:19,184 Did you--were you ever--in--in all honesty, 300 00:12:19,269 --> 00:12:21,353 Were you ever going to join the military? 301 00:12:21,438 --> 00:12:23,772 I-- You know, I-- I thought about it for one minute. 302 00:12:23,807 --> 00:12:25,857 I really did be--'cause my mom was-- we-- we-- no... 303 00:12:25,943 --> 00:12:28,245 I went to go see an army recruiter, just-- just to hear. 304 00:12:28,293 --> 00:12:29,811 My mom was just like, "Maybe you just want to hear 305 00:12:29,897 --> 00:12:30,812 "what-- what can happen." 306 00:12:30,898 --> 00:12:31,813 Your mom? 307 00:12:31,865 --> 00:12:33,315 I wasn't gonna do it. 308 00:12:33,400 --> 00:12:35,484 I mean, I wanted to do it, but I wasn't gonna do it. 309 00:12:35,569 --> 00:12:37,285 I might have, but my mom knew me. 310 00:12:37,321 --> 00:12:38,987 I mean, she knew me well enough to know I wasn't gonna do that. 311 00:12:39,073 --> 00:12:40,322 So what was the recruiter like? 312 00:12:40,374 --> 00:12:42,707 The-- The marine recruiter was on point. 313 00:12:42,793 --> 00:12:44,543 My man was like, "Hey, how's it going, young man? 314 00:12:44,628 --> 00:12:45,994 "Good to see you. Nice to meet you, man. 315 00:12:46,080 --> 00:12:47,079 "How are you? What's the name? 316 00:12:47,164 --> 00:12:48,797 "I'm-- I'm Matt. I'm Matt." 317 00:12:48,832 --> 00:12:50,332 And I was like, "Nice to meet you, Matt." 318 00:12:50,417 --> 00:12:52,551 And he's like, "Tell you what, man, lot of job opportunities 319 00:12:52,636 --> 00:12:54,669 "out there for you if you join the Marine corps. 320 00:12:54,755 --> 00:12:56,004 You know, you get out, you have a job." 321 00:12:56,031 --> 00:12:57,147 - That's my dude. - "School get paid for." 322 00:12:57,157 --> 00:12:58,090 That's my dude. 323 00:12:58,175 --> 00:12:58,974 "It's a hell of a deal, my friend. 324 00:12:59,009 --> 00:13:00,509 "It's a hell of a deal." 325 00:13:00,594 --> 00:13:02,394 That guy who-- The guy that I know that's like that is 326 00:13:02,479 --> 00:13:05,063 a Las Vegas party promoter. 327 00:13:05,149 --> 00:13:06,648 You go-- one of two ways. 328 00:13:06,683 --> 00:13:08,767 Either the party-promoter style, or-- 329 00:13:08,852 --> 00:13:10,235 - Or marine recruiter. - Marine recruiter. 330 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,357 - I mean, my man's readst to go. 331 00:13:17,227 --> 00:13:20,262 It is so good to see you, Keith. 332 00:13:20,347 --> 00:13:22,848 Yeah, we usually have to wait for a special occasion. 333 00:13:22,933 --> 00:13:24,266 Well, actually, I have a little surprise. 334 00:13:24,318 --> 00:13:26,151 I... got engaged. 335 00:13:26,236 --> 00:13:27,269 Oh! 336 00:13:27,321 --> 00:13:29,938 Oh! Oh! 337 00:13:30,024 --> 00:13:31,907 Oh, honey. 338 00:13:31,942 --> 00:13:35,577 That's my son. 339 00:13:37,748 --> 00:13:39,698 Wow hoo! 340 00:13:39,783 --> 00:13:41,166 Yes! 341 00:13:41,251 --> 00:13:42,951 Wow. 342 00:13:43,037 --> 00:13:45,309 Congratulations, little bro. 343 00:13:46,256 --> 00:13:47,789 Engaged. 344 00:13:47,841 --> 00:13:50,125 Kind of a big deal. 345 00:13:50,177 --> 00:13:51,460 More for me, I guess. 346 00:13:51,512 --> 00:13:53,845 That's what that means. 347 00:13:53,931 --> 00:13:55,597 Yes, well. 348 00:13:55,632 --> 00:13:56,848 She got a name? 349 00:13:56,934 --> 00:13:58,016 Stephanie. 350 00:13:58,102 --> 00:14:00,719 Marriage is a wonderful journey. 351 00:14:00,804 --> 00:14:03,522 50% end in divorce. 352 00:14:03,607 --> 00:14:07,442 Sorry, bro. Them's just the facts. 353 00:14:07,478 --> 00:14:09,949 I will-- I will keep that in mind, thank you. 354 00:14:11,365 --> 00:14:12,781 - You got a photo? - Oh, yeah. 355 00:14:12,816 --> 00:14:15,283 A.k.a. "Does she exist?" 356 00:14:15,319 --> 00:14:17,619 - There you go. - (whistles) 357 00:14:17,654 --> 00:14:20,065 Mm. 358 00:14:22,493 --> 00:14:26,161 Oh, she is beautiful. 359 00:14:26,246 --> 00:14:28,713 - Don't-- - Let me get eyes on this. 360 00:14:28,799 --> 00:14:31,106 Everybody else already ha-- 361 00:14:34,171 --> 00:14:36,805 Great lighting. 362 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:37,806 Airbrushed? 363 00:14:37,841 --> 00:14:38,805 Uh, no. 364 00:14:38,847 --> 00:14:40,425 She kind of looks like that one model 365 00:14:40,511 --> 00:14:42,060 on The Price Is Right. 366 00:14:42,146 --> 00:14:45,230 Uh, yes. That's her. 367 00:14:45,315 --> 00:14:46,848 The Price Is Right? 368 00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:48,817 Clive, that's your show. 369 00:14:48,852 --> 00:14:50,185 Shut up, ma! 370 00:14:50,237 --> 00:14:53,405 No, it's not. 371 00:14:53,490 --> 00:14:56,658 Oh, yeah. Stephanie. 372 00:14:56,693 --> 00:14:58,193 Mm-hmm. 373 00:14:58,245 --> 00:15:00,362 People always underbid on her showcases. 374 00:15:00,414 --> 00:15:02,207 Not the best presenter. 375 00:15:04,368 --> 00:15:07,335 - Where's the wedding? - Oh, in Hawaii. 376 00:15:07,371 --> 00:15:08,870 Oh. Oh. 377 00:15:08,956 --> 00:15:11,840 Oh. Oh! 378 00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:13,041 Awesome. 379 00:15:13,127 --> 00:15:14,843 Whoo-hoo! 380 00:15:14,878 --> 00:15:17,429 Mele kalikimaka! 381 00:15:20,100 --> 00:15:21,349 She ever been married before? 382 00:15:21,385 --> 00:15:23,768 - Uh, no. - So she says. 383 00:15:23,854 --> 00:15:26,104 - Ex-boyfriend, she got one? - Of course. 384 00:15:26,190 --> 00:15:28,440 Sloppy seconds, at least. 385 00:15:28,525 --> 00:15:30,058 Right, dad? 386 00:15:32,563 --> 00:15:34,613 - Keith, she sounds wonderful. - Thank you. 387 00:15:34,698 --> 00:15:35,614 Thank you, mom. 388 00:15:35,699 --> 00:15:38,033 Shut up, mom! 389 00:15:38,068 --> 00:15:40,035 Silence from you! 390 00:15:40,070 --> 00:15:43,131 You're cut off from talking! 391 00:15:45,542 --> 00:15:47,325 You know what, Clive? 392 00:15:47,411 --> 00:15:50,579 I really don't appreciate the way that you're talking to mom. 393 00:15:53,000 --> 00:15:55,167 (sarcastic laughter) 394 00:15:55,252 --> 00:15:58,003 Yes! Yes! 395 00:15:58,088 --> 00:16:01,256 The prodigal son hath returned! 396 00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:02,424 You know what? 397 00:16:02,509 --> 00:16:04,176 You want to go? Let's go. 398 00:16:04,261 --> 00:16:06,728 'cause I've been here the last 15 years, 399 00:16:06,763 --> 00:16:08,346 taking care of mom and dad 400 00:16:08,432 --> 00:16:11,433 while you've been trompsing all over the world, and why? 401 00:16:11,518 --> 00:16:12,817 So you could come back here 402 00:16:12,903 --> 00:16:15,237 and criticize me for how I treat them? 403 00:16:15,272 --> 00:16:16,771 No. 404 00:16:16,823 --> 00:16:20,609 I actually came here to ask you if you would do me the honor 405 00:16:20,661 --> 00:16:22,410 of being my best man. 406 00:16:28,919 --> 00:16:32,587 I know that we've had our differences. 407 00:16:32,623 --> 00:16:35,201 But you're my older brother. 408 00:16:37,678 --> 00:16:39,594 We-- We'll pay for your room. 409 00:16:39,630 --> 00:16:41,129 And-- And we're also gonna rent you a car. 410 00:16:41,215 --> 00:16:42,514 (suppressed sob) 411 00:16:42,599 --> 00:16:44,466 And-- And we'll pay to fly you out there. 412 00:16:48,972 --> 00:16:51,022 First class? 413 00:16:51,108 --> 00:16:52,474 Well, we can't afford first class. 414 00:16:52,559 --> 00:16:54,809 Well, [bleep] you! 415 00:16:54,895 --> 00:16:57,646 You're dead to me! 416 00:16:57,698 --> 00:16:59,314 - Clive! - Shut up, mom! 417 00:16:59,399 --> 00:17:01,399 I'm eating in my room! 418 00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,259 Well, that-- that went better than expected. 419 00:17:11,461 --> 00:17:13,245 - I think so. - Yeah. 420 00:17:19,713 --> 00:17:23,045 (indistinct conversation on screen) 421 00:17:25,272 --> 00:17:26,354 I'm going to the bathroom. 422 00:17:26,439 --> 00:17:27,722 Okay. 423 00:17:27,807 --> 00:17:29,607 'scuse me. 424 00:17:29,643 --> 00:17:30,975 'scuse me. 425 00:17:31,027 --> 00:17:32,894 - Can you quiet down? - 'scuse me. 426 00:17:32,979 --> 00:17:34,562 - Meegan, you're being loud. - 'scuse me. 427 00:17:34,648 --> 00:17:37,482 - Shh. - And...'scuse me. 428 00:17:49,496 --> 00:17:51,996 Meegan. 429 00:17:52,082 --> 00:17:55,300 Meegan? Meegan, what are you doing? 430 00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:56,718 - Andre? - Meegan. 431 00:17:56,803 --> 00:17:58,419 Andre, where are you? 432 00:17:58,505 --> 00:18:00,138 - Shh. - You shh. 433 00:18:00,173 --> 00:18:02,557 - I'm looking for my boyfriend. - Just go. 434 00:18:02,642 --> 00:18:04,008 Okay, I'm doing it right now, dude. 435 00:18:04,094 --> 00:18:05,593 Meegan. 436 00:18:05,679 --> 00:18:07,011 - Andre? - Meegan. 437 00:18:07,063 --> 00:18:08,846 - (all) Shh! - Quiet down. 438 00:18:08,899 --> 00:18:11,933 - Don't shh me. - I'm shushing you. 439 00:18:12,018 --> 00:18:13,518 Andre? 440 00:18:13,570 --> 00:18:15,436 Meegan. 441 00:18:15,522 --> 00:18:16,604 Andre? 442 00:18:16,690 --> 00:18:17,522 - Meegan. - Andre? 443 00:18:17,574 --> 00:18:19,023 Meegan, come here. 444 00:18:19,075 --> 00:18:20,358 - Andre? - Meegan. 445 00:18:20,443 --> 00:18:21,743 - Andre? - Meegan. 446 00:18:21,828 --> 00:18:22,944 - Andre? - Meegan. 447 00:18:23,029 --> 00:18:24,162 - Andre? - Meegan. 448 00:18:24,230 --> 00:18:26,497 - Andre? - Oh, my God. 449 00:18:26,533 --> 00:18:29,282 Why wouldn't you go back to where you were before? 450 00:18:31,955 --> 00:18:34,038 Siri, call Andre. 451 00:18:34,090 --> 00:18:35,623 Don't call me. 452 00:18:35,709 --> 00:18:37,675 Don't do that. Meegan. 453 00:18:37,711 --> 00:18:41,012 (cell phone rings) 454 00:18:41,047 --> 00:18:42,764 I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. 455 00:18:42,949 --> 00:18:44,282 Meegan, what is wrong with you? 456 00:18:44,317 --> 00:18:46,484 - What the [bleep] are you doing? - Andre, where are you? 457 00:18:46,569 --> 00:18:48,820 - I'm behind you. - Will you FaceTime me? 458 00:18:48,905 --> 00:18:51,155 I'm not gonna do it right now. You wouldn't be able to see me. 459 00:18:51,207 --> 00:18:52,957 - It's [bleep] dark in here. - I know. 460 00:18:52,992 --> 00:18:54,459 That's why I can't find you. 461 00:18:54,494 --> 00:18:57,078 I'm directly behind you. Turn around. 462 00:18:57,163 --> 00:18:59,547 Okay, I'm gonna turn around. 463 00:18:59,632 --> 00:19:01,332 You didn't need to announce it, just do it. 464 00:19:01,384 --> 00:19:03,000 You d-- I'm right there. [bleep]. 465 00:19:03,053 --> 00:19:04,085 [bleep]. [bleep]. 466 00:19:04,170 --> 00:19:05,970 Stop yelling at me! 467 00:19:06,005 --> 00:19:08,139 Meegan, have you sustained a head injury 468 00:19:08,174 --> 00:19:10,091 or had a stroke in the last ten minutes? 469 00:19:10,176 --> 00:19:11,809 What do you mean by that? 470 00:19:11,845 --> 00:19:13,061 Meegan. 471 00:19:13,146 --> 00:19:15,980 - Dude, put your phone away. - Yup. Yup. 472 00:19:16,015 --> 00:19:18,182 OMG, did you just hang up on me? 473 00:19:18,234 --> 00:19:19,183 Yes. 474 00:19:19,235 --> 00:19:20,234 I'm not talking to you, sir. 475 00:19:20,320 --> 00:19:21,903 I'm talking to my boyfriend. 476 00:19:21,988 --> 00:19:24,522 It's me, Meegan. 477 00:19:24,607 --> 00:19:26,324 - Andre! - You need to get out of here. 478 00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:28,159 No, you get out of here. I can go wherever I want. 479 00:19:28,194 --> 00:19:29,861 I'm looking for my boyfriend. 480 00:19:29,913 --> 00:19:32,780 Andre? Andre? 481 00:19:32,866 --> 00:19:35,116 Shut-- Get off me, Mr. Director. 482 00:19:35,201 --> 00:19:36,215 He's not the director. 483 00:19:36,267 --> 00:19:38,208 Can you shine this light on the audience? 484 00:19:38,264 --> 00:19:39,370 I want to see my boyfriend. 485 00:19:39,422 --> 00:19:40,838 Let me see something. 486 00:19:40,874 --> 00:19:42,743 Ah! The light's in my eyes. 487 00:19:42,793 --> 00:19:44,415 Meegan, get out of the projection booth! 488 00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:47,135 - Shh. - Don't shush me. 489 00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:50,774 'scuse me. 490 00:19:52,107 --> 00:19:53,172 'scuse me. 491 00:19:54,185 --> 00:19:57,502 'scuse me. And... 492 00:19:58,659 --> 00:20:00,056 'scuse me. 493 00:20:02,709 --> 00:20:04,046 I couldn't find the bathroom. 494 00:20:08,846 --> 00:20:10,846 (humming) 495 00:20:11,774 --> 00:20:13,354 Pfft... I'll tell you what, man. 496 00:20:13,497 --> 00:20:15,758 - Hm-mmm. - I'm not mad if we're pretending, 497 00:20:15,818 --> 00:20:17,818 - I'm a wuss. - Hm-mmm. I know. 498 00:20:17,893 --> 00:20:20,020 Sometimes, I'll be coming into the house, talking about 499 00:20:20,069 --> 00:20:21,652 - "Can we just turn the air on?" - Hm-mmm. 500 00:20:21,685 --> 00:20:22,707 The wife says, "Oh, you want to turn the air on?" 501 00:20:22,731 --> 00:20:24,611 Like, yeah, I'm dying up in this bitch. 502 00:20:24,636 --> 00:20:25,649 Me too. 503 00:20:25,897 --> 00:20:27,543 And my girl be talking about 504 00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:28,853 "Really? I'm cold." 505 00:20:30,686 --> 00:20:31,763 "You cold?" 506 00:20:31,846 --> 00:20:33,263 If she uses the card again, I'll go 507 00:20:33,300 --> 00:20:34,990 - "What is going on?" - What is going on? 508 00:20:35,085 --> 00:20:36,148 Tell me I'm sorry. 509 00:20:36,184 --> 00:20:38,422 If I look at a thermostat which is on 74, 510 00:20:38,541 --> 00:20:40,215 - that's hot. - Exactly. 511 00:20:40,251 --> 00:20:43,063 - 74 is hot. - Let me turn the thermostat down 512 00:20:43,134 --> 00:20:45,098 and couch snuggle, 'cause I run warm. 513 00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:46,978 My furn is your ass out right now. 514 00:20:46,980 --> 00:20:48,503 Furn is your ass... 515 00:20:48,503 --> 00:20:50,788 I'm heating for two in this bitch. 516 00:20:50,823 --> 00:20:53,121 - Why you gotta be across the room... - Heating for two... 517 00:20:53,154 --> 00:20:54,151 freezing? 518 00:20:54,163 --> 00:20:56,237 I'm gonna do my one line here 519 00:20:56,285 --> 00:20:58,226 Oh, yeah... 520 00:20:58,226 --> 00:20:59,833 Sync & corrections by dwigt addic7ed.com 521 00:20:59,883 --> 00:21:04,433 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 36412

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