All language subtitles for Key And Peele s04e06 Scariest Movie Ever.eng

(smooth jazz music)

(in Jamaican accents)
Sue!

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

How are you doing, girl?

Oh, you know, I was on
my way home and was in the area.

I just wanted to come
say "Hello."

That's it.
That is all.

Have a nice night.

Sue, where you going, girl?

You can't leave
without coming inside.

Oh, no, I wouldn't want
to be an intrusion.

I just wanted to say
"Hello."

- Good-bye.
- Okay, now, Sue.

There is a seat
in this house

with your name on it, girl.

No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no.

I can't.

I didn't have money
for the bus.

I'm a mess
from the 50-mile walk.

Now, why must you be
so difficult, girl?

You're right.

I am being difficult,
aren't I?

Your life is better
without me coming in,

trust me, so there I go.

Okay, girl, listen,
everything is irie, man.

We're good friends,
all right?

Yes, of course.

And you know
you can smell it, girl.

- You know you smell it, girl.
- What's that smell?

You know you're smelling
the fried dumplings,

the ackee,
and the saltfish, girl.

- Oh.
- Now, what's come over you?

I should have called.
I should have called.

That's it, Sue!

I'm formally inviting you
into my home.

Now come inside.

(hisses)

(dramatic music)

(smooth jazz music)

(slurping, flesh ripping)

(haunting Western music)

Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com

I love seeing
horror movies

in black neighborhoods the best.

- That's the best.
- Obviously, everybody.

But it's really because it's
a more interactive experience.

Right, right.

And you get to laugh at

the motherfuckers in the movie...

Right, right, right,
it's good because...

doing stupid shit.

They be alleviating
some tension for you.

"Fuck the kid.
He a demon," you know?

"Leave the kid."

That's the best
when they just,

like, brutally practical.

- "Leave that kid."
- yeah.

"Stab that baby."

- Stupid.
- That's a waste of money, dog.

Stupid.

See, I don't even understand

how that's even
in the horror genre, dog.

Right?

I mean, that's the least
scared I ever been, man.

It's like
a romantic comedy.

It's like a lullaby, dog.

- Yeah, for reals though.
- Pssh.

Oh, oh,
where you parked at?

Oh, what now?

Where you parked at, dog?

Yeah, I'm over
that way, boy.

Oh,
you all the way down there?

- Yeah.
- Well, I'm this way, dog.

Oh, all right.
All right, dog.

All right. All right.

(eerie music)

- You know what?
- What's that, dog?

I'll walk you
to your car, dog.

- Word, word, word, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then I'll drive you
back to your car, dog.

- Dumbass movie, man.
- Nah.

A demon can possess
any inanimate object?

That's too general
to be scary.

Yo, man, it's like,
how you gonna have a demon

posting up in a trash can?

I mean, you know,
it's dumb.

- It don't make no sense.
- It's stupid.

- It don't make no sense.
- You know what I'm saying?

It's stupid.
It's stupid.

It's unrealistic
is what it is.

It's like, I ain't gonna
be scared of no trash can.

(eerie musical flourish)

And what was that other thing
they had with the,

uh, the demon puddle?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was the most stupid part
right there.

A demon could pull you into hell
if you step in a puddle.

Like, we some morons?

I mean, how you gonna scare

a couple adults with a puddle?

- Stupid.
- Stupid.

- Stupid.
- Stupid.

And the demon got
them hellhounds roaming around

everywhere, bringing humans
to the demon alive

to be sacrificed.

Come on, man.

(dog barking)

That's just stupid!

- Stupid.
- Yeah.

You know, it's like--
it's lazy storytelling...

- Yes, yes.
- Is what it is.

It's a lot of things,
but scary is not one of them.

(eerie musical flourish)

And what was
with all them

creepy kids and the whispering
and whatnot?

- Oh, please.
- I mean, come on, dog.

- Please, dude.
- What are we talking about?

You just identified, like,
the stupidest part of the movie.

(both laugh)

Them kids--
Them kids was talking about,

(breathily)
"I will steal your soul.

I will suck your essence."
(mumbling spookily)

Okay, yeah,
that's stupid right there.

You can stop right now, man,
if you just wanted to--

- Please stop!
- Yeah.

- 'cause it's stupid.
- It was stupid.

- It was stupid as hell.
- It was stupid.

- It was just stupid. What?
- This your car?

- This me, dog.
- Yeah.

(both sniffing)

Yeah, I hope
there's not one of them demons

possessing your car.

(both laughing)

I'm just stepping
right now, for real.

That's stupid.
You being real stupid.

I'm being stupid.

That was the stupidest part

of the movie right there, dog.

I'm the one being
stupid up in here.

- That was pretty stupid.
- (laughing)

That was the stupidest part
right there, man.

That part was--that movie
was stupid as hell, man.

(laughing)
Stupid.

Stupid.

That was
the not-scariest part

of the movie.

Oh, my God.
It was stupid.

Like a demon could possess--

- I mean, it's so stupid.
- That was so stupid.

It was pretty stupid,
though, dog.

Oh, my God,
that was stupid.

It was pretty stupid.

You know what, man?

I'm-- Shit, I'm sorry, dog,

that you had to watch that
dumbass not-scary movie.

You know what I mean?

Man, you know,
that's how it go.

That's how it go.

(eerie musical flourish)

(tense music)

Give yourself up, Carlo.

(echoing spookily)
Why would I do that,

detective,
when I have the upper hand?

(laughing evilly)

Give yourself up, Carlo.

I'm right here,
detective.

(laughing evilly)

Damn it.
(gasps)

Or am I over here,
detective?

(yells)

Or here?

(laughing evilly)

(panting)

Oh, you sick son of a bitch,

where the hell are you?

Huh?

(gasps)

Huh?

You son of a bitch,
come out!

Does my ass look big
in this jumpsuit?

(laughing evilly)

Damn it.

(music intensifying)

Enough of the games, Carlo.

The games are just
beginning, detective.

(laughing evilly)

Mirror, mirror,
on the wall...

(chuckles)

Who's the fairest--

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't move.

You are under arrest
for the murder of Mary Deely,

Meg Foster,

and one detective
Mason Jimenez.

Now, where's the girl?

Oh, detective,

you assume it's the real me

standing in front of you,

but maybe that's just what

I want you to thin-k.

When in reality,

the re-al me

is safe in a hiding spah-ah--
ah-ah.

Okay, that's the real you,
all right.

Or maybe I'm over here.

No, no,
you're not over there.

Carlo, I'm only gonna
ask you one more time.

Where is the girl?

Go ahead and shoot,
detective.

(chuckles)

I mean, what do I care if you
get seven years bad luck--

(gun cocks)

You know, it's not safe
to keep a gun cocked like that,

even if you are just
pointing it at a mirror.

Turn around and put
your hands on your head.

Now, for that,
you really are going to have

to find the real me.

Oh, my God,
are you kidding me?

(gunshot)
(groaning)

Pshht!

What?

Why would you shoot
a mirror?

Carlo, it's you.

I'm holding your lapel.

Now, you're done.
It's over.

You're gonna cut your hand
on that broken mirror.

(gun cocks)
Where is she?

Just say it, dude.

Say what?

Say you don't know
whether or not

this is the real me or just
a reflection in a mirror.

Really?

I'll tell you where she is.

Okay, I don't know
whether the you

I'm holding onto
is really you...

Or the reflection
in a mirror.

Or a reflection
in the mirror.

Mm, all there was to it.

She's under the floorboards
by the entrance.

Oh.
(groaning)

I win, detective.

(laughing bleakly)

I told you, but--
I mean, the mirror told you,

but, well, you know.

Oh, fuck.

Would you rather be
a vampire or a werewolf?

Me?

Oh, dude, straight up,

let me get that vamp situation.

You know why?

It looks like it hurts
to become a werewolf.

True.

That looks like it hurts,
so a part of me goes, like,

"I'd rather be hungry--

"I'd rather be intensely hungry

than have my bones crack
and then reset in the morning."

Yeah, you don't want that.

I don't--
I'm a wuss.

- I don't need any of that.
- Here's the thing.

Vampires be living forever.

I mean, you can't die
as a vampire.

But you could if you
got a stake through the heart.

- Truth. Truth.
- So you could just say that.

You could, "You know what?

"I've been up in this bitch

"800 years, ready to die."

It's vampire suicide.

But if I provoked
a vampire hunter,

and he just went s-slicing
through my--

- Mm-hmm.
- Good.

Or I'd say to a person,
"Listen, I'm a vampire.

"I need you to come
to this address tomorrow.

"I'm gonna be in my coffin.

"I'll leave it unlocked."

And just get Kevorkian on it.

Just go Kevorks.
Wouldn't that be the best?

Dude, that would be
the best job for Dr. Kevorkian.

Just be a vampire hunter.

All right, so that's
just working easily then.

Go for it, man.

Okay, good.
Good, good, good.

Oh, that's nuts, man.

Okay, we got to hurry up.
Bring on the weed.

- Okay, just got to--
- Break it out there.

- Hey.
- Oh!

Sorry.
Sorry.

You all want to do
some of that God drug?

(violin screeching eerily)

No.

What the fuck?

Who's this guy?

You all ever heard
of the God drug?

I've-- I've never
heard of that.

AKA slayer, cutty-cutty,

double cutty, Elmo,

cat vag.

Okay.

Long Island brain slice,

Funt.

- Funt?
- Funt.

Funt, I've heard of that.

It takes all your greatest
fears and insecurities,

and it gives them
teeth and arms,

and then it locks you
in a room with them

from which you cannot escape.

Oh, that sounds terrible.

- Yeah, I don't want that, man.
- None of those words are good.

You realize the face of God

is somewhere inside your body,

but you can't find it,
and it hates you.

Um, okay, none of us are
interested in this drug.

Thank you, sir.
Nice meeting you.

Let's hear him out.
Let's hear him out.

It's a razor sharp crystal
you tuck under your eyelid.

- Ooh.
- Ugh.

And then when your ocular
cavity starts bleeding,

It goes directly
into your brain.

I feel like
there's got to be a good part.

Yeah, you've just described

a life-wrecking
physical addiction.

If you'd let him finish--
If you'd let him finish,

he's gonna get to
the euphoria, I'm sure.

Just when you can't take
any more,

(inhales sharply)

you poop your mouth.

- I'm sorry, what?
- You poop in your mouth?

No,

you poop out of your mouth.

I'm in.

Guys, if people will
really go through this,

the high must be amazing.

Buddy,
remember when you did mushrooms

and you cried for three hours?

- This is worse than that.
- Yeah.

- Oh, the eyes.

Oh, oh!

(yelling)

Oh, God!

(both groaning)
It hurts!

- Oh, Jeb.
- Oh, that hurts!

When does it start working?

How should I know?

I don't do drugs.

Drugs are for losers.

This is him.

Yeah, this is him.

Well, I'm very sorry, sir.

Hold on a second.

Wait.

Is this him?

Oh, take your time, sir.
There's no rush.

Yes, yes, yes,
it's definitely him.

Okay,
so if you make your way--

Wait.

It seems like him.

Yes, yes,
it very much could be him.

(clears throat)
So this-- this is him?

Although...
Hmm.

Let me just--

Okay, I'm sorry.

Sir, I know that you're blind,

but you're gonna have to make
a decision.

Oh, I'm not blind.

Oh, thank God.
(chuckles)

I'm not a mortician.

And I'm not dead,

but please don't stop
on my account.

Shh.

It's definitely not him.

Honestly, Make-A-Wish,

kind of a brilliant
charity idea,

because really, I mean,
it just looks real good.

It looks real good.

They get donations
out their ass, Make-A-Wish.

My thing is, I wonder if
the Make-A-Wish people, like--

it's like, "oh, I'm gonna go
parasailing with you."

- Right.
- That's my only thing.

I'm like, "Wait a minute,
do you get to go with the kid?"

"I thought you just
organized the wishes, but--"

"And then you went back
to your office.

"Why are you up in there
parasailing?"

"Why are you going first?
What the hell?

"I'm the kid."

"Are you sure
that this kid's wish

was to go to the bikini contest
at carnival in Brazil?"

- They could be making that up.
- Who knows, right?

I'm not gonna just start
giving all my money

to people I don't know, right?

- I mean, that doesn't--
- Right.

Well, that's--

That's charity.

(monitor beeping steadily)

(thunder booming)

Hi, you must be Liam.

Hey, buddy,
how are you feeling today?

(hoarsely)
I'm feeling fine, Dr. Gupta.

Just fine.

This is Marion Glass,

and she's from
the Make-A-Wish foundation.

Marion Glass.

How are you
feeling today, Liam?

- I'm fine, Marion Glass.
- Good.

Well, I have some news
that might make you feel

a little better, huh?

We at the Make-A-Wish Foundation
make dreams come true

for little boys and little girls
who are very sick just like you.

There are no children
like me, Marion Glass.

Oh, of course not.

You're one of a kind,
but we're gonna make any dream

come true
that you could ever have, okay?

Anything?

That's right, buddy.
That's right.

Would you like to play with
your favorite basketball team?

What about be Superman
for a day?

I wish to drown a man.

(eerie music)

What?

To drown a man in the bathtub.

To hold him down
while the last breath

escapes his body,
and then bathe in that water,

all the while singing,

Liam.

You said anything.

Well, s-surely we don't want
to hurt other people,

Now, do we, kiddo?

(both laugh uneasily)

Anything else?

Fly in a hot air balloon
or meet a celebrity?

My new wish is to lean over
the body of a dying man

and put my lips on his,
stealing his last breath.

(inhales)

Liam.

No one will get hurt.

Absolutely not.

I don't even know where you--

I wish to take
all the prosthetic legs

in the hospital
and bind them together

with the dried flesh
of the dead

into a webbed massive creature,

- and--
- Liam!

- I am so sorry, Ms. Glass.
- It's all right.

He-- He doesn't know
what he's saying.

I wish to pee
in your mouth.

- What?
- Both of you.

Mine?

- Especially you.
- Oh.

I wish to pee
in both of your mouths

As I stand over you.

I'll need a glass of water
in ten minutes.

Enough,
you little shit!

Dr. Gupta!

No.

You are reprehensible.

You are evil.

You are a devil child.

(whimpering)

Dr. Gupta,
he's not a devil child.

He's just a child.

You have no business working
in a pediatric ward.

- What?
- I'm gonna report you.

(crying)

(door slams)

You really upset
Marion Glass.

This is insane.

You've made me question
everything that I've ever

believed about the
essential goodness of children.

Wish granted.

(flatlining)

(gasps)
(giggles)

I am dying though.

(flatlining)

(monitor beeping steadily)

Hi, Quentin.

Oh, doctor.

I just wanted to report
that the surgery went off

without a hitch
and that your heart transplant

was a complete success.

Oh, I'm so happy
to be alive.

I bet.
I bet.

Well, thankfully
the Affordable Health Care act

allowed you to be insured
and put on a donor list

even with your
preexisting conditions.

I'm truly,
truly thankful.

This is an instance of
Obamacare

literally saving a life.

Obamacare?

Oh, no, you don't.

You are not putting
Big Government

into my body.

(yells)

(grunting)

Ugh.

(laughing)

- Oh!
- (groaning)

(laughing)

(flatlining)

Um, could--
could you go get me some ice?

We should probably
save this.

But what scares you?

Because, I mean, I know that
you're a connoisseur.

I know that you get scared,
but you're also a connoisseur.

Mm...

- Poverty.
- (chuckles)

The injustices of
the real world.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah!

Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com

Why don't we just leave your car
in the other parking lot,

come over to my house,

we build a pillow fort,

you spend the night,
and we watch a whole bunch

of animated musicals and whatnot?

Oh-oh, you've got a Happy Feet
and some Juicy Juice

- and we have a deal.
- Oh, you know, you understand...

***

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