All language subtitles for Key And Peele s04e01 Alien Imposters.eng

(alarm blaring)

Here!

[bleep].

What are you doing?
Come on.

I'm coming.

Again?

Stay where you are.

What are you doing?

Stop!
Thank you.

You're not unlocking it!

We're doing it
at the same time is the problem.

- Unlock the door!
- No!

Now!

[bleep].

Stop touching it
while I do the lock!

- What do you want me to do?
- Just do it now.

- Are you...
- Unbelievable!

- kidding me?
- Stop it and reset.

- Put it down.
- I'm just holding it.

- Take your hand off the thing!
- It is on the thing.

I got to reset the thing.
Look-- Look at this.

Huh? Huh? Nothing happens
if you're holding it up.

Everybody knows
not to do that

'cause now it's all jiggered
in the middle.

It got all jiggered
in the middle now!

(grunts)
Aah! What?

Take your hand away
from the door completely.

Thank you.

Oh, that's rich!

You are gonna get--

- Drop your weapon.
- What happened?

What happened, though?

What happened?
I don't know what happened.

(country space-rock ballad)

Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com

- I'll throw out a topic.
- You're gonna throw out

- a topic? Let's talk about it.
- Have you seen an alien?

Have I seen an alien?

I did see--

"No" is a perfectly fine
answer for the--

I did-- Okay.
Well, here's the thing.

Can there be
subterranean aliens?

There can't be, right?

'cause they have
to come from space.

Story, please.

When I was a kid, I saw a--

I was in Canada with my friends,

And there was-- we were--

there was a hole in the backyard
of this one guy's house

that we were hanging out at,
and the hole was like-- it was--

there was a fissure
like this in the ground,

and there was a heap of dirt
in the middle,

and the heap of dirt
was like scoot, scoot, scoot.

It just went like that.

- And we ran away.
- How big?

I mean, like-- I can't.

Hold on, like-- like this.

You're talking
about a hedgehog and [bleep].

How did you go from alien

to telling me a story
about a [bleep] hedgehog?

We-- Hey, we never--
we never saw it, so who knows--

He said,
"subterranean aliens."

Come on, Jack.

(spaceship engines roar)

Wait, wait.

We got to be careful here.

This place is crawling
with them.

- What was that?
- What?

Cover me.

Guys! Hey, guys!

Hey, guys.
Oh, thank God.

Hey, we started
a community of survivors.

Y'all come live with us.

Wait.
How did you know?

Come on.

Redneck wants us to move
into his community?

Us?
Let's go.

Guys, over here!

Oh, thank God there are others!

Would you let
me date your daughter?

Of course!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Aah!
Please don't hurt me!

My best friend is black
and I love Jay-Z,

and my favorite movie
is Think Like a Man.

- She's good.
- Come with us.

- Okay.
- Stay close.

- Okay.
- What's your name?

- Emily.
- (both) Of course it is.

(tense dubstep music)

Hey, hey, hey!
Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

What do you think
about the police?

Well,
I love their third album.

Aah! Aah!
(stammers)

I don't have any money!

No money!

(screaming)

(continues screaming)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Thank God you guys showed up.

I got to get out of here.

It's a Silver Lexus.

Just pull it right up front,

and don't scuff the paint,
all right?

I just had it buffed.

Was he an alien, too?

Yep.

Gave up my girlfriend
and my family.

(all) Gave up my girlfriend
and my family.

Traded 'em in for an M-16.

(all) Traded 'em in for an M-16.

Afghanistan, Pakistan,
Yemen, Iraq.

(all) Afghanistan, Pakistan,
Yemen, Iraq.

I don't care
if I ever come back.

(all) I don't care if I ever
come back.

From poor families,
how far we roam.

(all) From poor families,
how far we roam.

So the rich kids
can just stay at home.

(all) So the rich kids
can just stay at home.

When I come home with PTSD...

(all) When I come home
with PTSD...

The V.A. hospital
won't care for me.

(all) The V.A. hospital
won't care for me.

I'll probably end up homeless
out in the dark...

(all) I'll probably end up
homeless out in the dark.

To get played onscreen
by Marky-Mark.

What?

I'm way less homophobic
than you.

Okay, that's all well
and good.

I don't agree.

I will give a backrub
to a gay man,

and we're both naked.

That's how non-homophobic I am.

Dude, I would put parts
of my body

maybe into another
gay man's body.

I mean, into a gay man's body,
not another gay man's body.

Into a gay man's body,
and I would be like,

"Hey, this is therapeutic."

If I were a doctor
and you were gay

and you needed a prostate exam,
no problem here.

Okay,
but you see what you did.

That's about overall health.

That's not
about me trying to stimulate--

But you see what you did?

No, you engaged in gay sex
in that scenario.

I said a part of my body.

I didn't say my penis
necessarily.

Doesn't matter.
Insertion is insertion.

No, there are
different degrees of insertion.

Welcome, Johnson family.

Now, we all know why we're here.

Cousin Delroy's
getting married...

(all) Mm-hmm.

to a man.

- Which is crazy.
- Mm-hmm.

And we're in support, and, uh,
we just need a little help

with the particulars
of a gay wedding.

What I've done
is I took the initiative

to get my friend Gary in here,

Who's-- I mean,
he's not really my friend.

He's a coworker of mine
who happens

to be a active member
of the homosexual community,

and he's gonna give us
some advice on,

You know, wha-- what to do.

So, Gary, wha-- what can--
what can we expect?

All right.

Well, first of all, guys,

thanks so much
for having me here,

and I think it's really amazing

what you guys are doing
for your cousin Delroy.

Really, I just wanted to say,
basically, that a gay wedding

is just like a straight wedding.

Yes? Yes, sir.

So then do the men
wear dresses and then

the women would wear suits?

No.
No, no, no.

You would just where
exactly what you would wear

At a-- At a straight wedding.

Now, none of us are gay,
so I assume

that we would all sit
then in the straight section.

- The straight section?
- Yeah.

Oh, the straight section.

He means as opposed
to the gay section.

No, no, there's-- there's--
there's no sections, guys.

- But the gay people...
- No, no, no.

- What-- you would just sit--
- And then the straight?

No, Larry, Larry, listen to me
just for a second.

- But then the aisle.
- You would just--

You would just sit
on the side of the person

that were friends with
or that your family's members,

just like in a straight wedding.

So we just guess who's gay.

Or not.
You could just-- Yeah.

We'll guess who's gay.

Okay.
Guess who--

When in the ceremony
do we sing "Over the Rainbow"?

Well, you don't.
You don't.

This is a religious ceremony,
so you--

you wouldn't be singing that
during the service.

- Oh, all right.
- You done with the questions?

No, I'm just asking.

I'm nervous 'cause
I can only do jazz hands

for about three minutes 'fore
my hands start to cramp.

Oh, sir, I don't think
anyone's gonna expect you--

I don't think any--
I don't think anyone's gonna

expect you to have
to do jazz hands.

Now can we see the pony show
from the straight section?

Or are we way
in the back somewhere?

Ma'am, again,
there's no straight section.

What is a pony show?

You know,
when y'all go like this.

No, there won't be--

there won't be any of this
during the ceremony.

Oh. Oh.

When do we sing "YMCA"?

- Oh.
- Sir, not during the ceremony.

Okay.

- What about "Macho, Macho Man"?
- Nope.

I don't know
where to buy no gay presents.

Well, I-I don't know
what a gay present is.

Usually, what couples
do is they just--

they just register at a store...

Huh.

like a straight couple would.

- The gay store, or--
- Just a regular store.

Where do you get the euros
to buy gay gifts?

Are you saying euros?

You wouldn't--
you wouldn't use euros.

No, it's-- it's--
it's a good question, Finney.

We-- We should make
some eye contact

so we make sure that
the communication's happening.

- Yeah.
- I think he wants to know

is it, like, a-- you know,
a different currency?

Or is it more like Camel Cash?

Nope, just good, old-fashioned
U.S. dollars, yep.

Do we have to participate
in the anal sex?

- Oh!
- Or can we just watch

and cheer in a firemen's hat?

No, there's no anal sex
and no fireman's hat.

- Oh, okay.
- It's cunnilingus.

Is that a question, sir?

When do we get to sing
"It's Raining Men,

- Hallelujah, It's Raining Men?"
- You don't.

So there's no gay hymns
in the ceremony?

Sir, there's no such thing
as a gay hymn.

- What?
- Well, does the fake priest

look like a real priest
or like a nun?

- It's gonna be a real priest.
- Or...

No, there's no "or."

...is it a sexy boat captain,

then he takes his clothes off?

- (all) Ohh.
- What? No. No.

Do we throw something
other than rice?

Like what, sir?

What would you throw
other than rice?

I don't know.
I don't know.

Couscous.
Skittles.

Guys, a gay wedding is just
like a straight wedding, okay?

It's exactly the same.

Well, when they kiss, is it
okay to stand up and say, "Ew"?

No, it's not because it would
be-- that would be homophobic.

This from the man
who won't allow gay hymns

at the gay wedding.

Okay, but like
a involuntary gasp.

I would just, I guess,
try to curb that behavior.

Okay.
I'll-- I'll look away then.

- Oh, my God.
- Now, is RuPaul gonna be there?

No, I don't think
Delroy knows RuPaul.

- Uh, Neil Patrick Harris?
- No.

Ooh, Doogie.

What if you don't want
your picture on the internet?

- This is ridiculous!
- Excuse me, Gary.

"Ridiculous."
Is that a gay term?

Okay, yep.
I'll show myself out.

Oh, he's a little testy,
isn't he?

- Nah, he can go.
- Good luck.

We just trying to find out
how it go.

Let's go, Stefan.

I think we pretty much got it.

Thank you,
and may God bless America.

(applause)

- All right.
- Right this way.

Couple introductions
and we'll get you out of here.

- This is John O'Rourke.
- Nice to meet you, John.

- Mr. Ian Roberts.
- Nice to meet you.

- Peter Atencio.
- All right, nice to meet you.

Jerome smith.

Come on, brothah.
What's up, fam?

(chuckling)

- You know this.
- Heath Williamson.

Nice to meet you.

- Mary Woodbury.
- Nice to meet you.

- Jay Martel.
- Nice to meet you, sir.

- Tasha Robins.
- Come on, come on, come on.

(chuckling)
Mmm!

- Feel that?
- Emily George.

- Nice to meet you.
- Darrell Stokes.

Come on.
What's up, fam?

- How you doin'?
- All right.

Never forget about that,
'cause that's all we got.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you. All right.

Ahh... Bring it in,
bring it in!

Started from the bottom,
now we here.

Yeah!

Nice to meet you.
All right.

Nice to meet you.
All right.

Nice to--

1/8th black.

Afternoon, my octoroon.

Come on, bring it in there.
Tuck that.

I'm in there, dog.
I'm in there, dog.

- You tucking it?
- I'm in there, dog.

- You tucking it in there?
- I'm in there.

- Let your tuck go.
- I'm in there, dog.

Let your tuck go.
You tucking it?

My tuck.
I'm in there.

I'm in there.
I'm in there.

All right.
Nice to meet you, man.

Uh, nice to meet you.

Oh, my goodness, look at this.

Oh, she is so beautiful.

Mmm!

I want another one.

There you go.
Precious, beautiful.

Beautiful.
What's her name?

- This is Livia Roogey.
- Okay.

Nice to meet you,
Miss Roogey.

All right.

Come on...
There he is.

Boom!

Mr. President.

All right, man.
Good to meet you.

Here we go.
Right this way, sir.

We should just--
We going country.

We need to be going country.

We need to get some--

- Country music?
- Yeah.

Like some stadium country, too.

- We're talking about--
- You said, "ruckin', tuckin'."

You managed to say, "ruckin',

- "tuckin'."
- But I want to get--

You know
what I'm talking about?

That-- that line-dancin',
right and prancin'.

Love to drinkin'.

I love when they
be talking about,

- (laughs)
- Then talking about--

Then talk about the next song
talking about,

(laughter)

(sighs)

Excuse me, sir.

- Well.
- Oh, well, well, well.

[bleep] Mexicans.

Oh, man, do not get me started
on the Mexicans.

Hey, I was just saying.

They hold the goddamn economy
together.

You know what, man?
Damn straight.

If 12% of the Mexicans
that live in this country

stopped working, just 12%,

the USA would shut down.

I don't even care
who hears me.

Nope.

(stammers) They work
their asses off...

Mm-hmm.

And they got strong
family values.

Essential immigrants.

Hey, speaking of immigrants,
how about them Asians?

Man, [bleep],
you know what, brother?

You want to light that fuse?

Then you better stand back
'cause I got something

I want to say
about those mother[bleep].

Yeah, I got three words
for you:

"Estudious," hardworking,
industrious.

Damn straight.

Asians are the highest income,
best educated,

and the fastest growing
racial group in the U.S. of A.

Mm. Plus,
got the highest percentage

of college graduates
in the country-- good for them.

And I-- maybe this
makes me sound racist,

but those mother[bleep],
they're gonna save the country.

There it is.
You-- You went and said it.

I just said it.

I just came right
the [bleep] out and said it.

It was in everyone's mind.

But I'm the one...

(both) who said it.

Hey, and you know what?

While we're at it,
I'm gonna break my spine,

tip-tap, dancing-wancing,

prancing around the elephant
in the room.

Yep.

- Blacks.
- [bleep] blacks.

- Buh-lacks.
- [bleep] blacks.

You know what you done
done did?

You opened up the floodgates
now, my friend.

Released the Kraken.

Goddamn victims

of institutionalized
"Race-misme."

And despite all that,
they overcame the slavery

and the segregation just to
become CEOs and entrepreneurs.

And hey, one of 'em
is the gosh-darn president.

And, I mean, that's just true
right there.

That's just historical fact,
man.

You can't even argue that.

Oh, how 'bout the Indians?

[bleep] Native Americans.

I don't know
if I could get in trouble

these days
for sayin' something like this,

but they were here first.

It may be unpopular,
but it's true.

We came to this country,
and we steamrolled on in,

and we genocided them.

I mean, hell,
we owe 'em something.

There you go.

I got to tell you, man,

that's not bad
for a non-alcoholic beer.

Not bad at all.
All right.

I got to go home,
take care of my kids.

How many of 'em you got now?

- Just adopted the 11th.
- Oh!

Can't help myself.

Man, that's always
what happens when you volunteer

for the earthquake relief
in Haiti.

- Yep, yep, yep.
- And what you gon' do?

What you gon' do?

You know, my wife makes 2/3
of what I make.

What?
Y'all got the same job, man.

That's just patently unfair.

That's right.
We're both librarians.

(belches)

- You all right?
- I'm okay.

(upbeat pop music)

Hey, what up, y'all?
Welcome back to HCL.

We are in Hollywood.
I got the answers,

and the answers this morning
is Mother Majesty.

Thank you for being here,
Mother Majesty.

Thank you for having me.

(cheering)
Yeah.

Now, before the break,
we heard your song, uh,

"She-nomenon" from the new hit
album, Girl Army.

- Oh, yeah, that's right.
- Yeah.

Well, thank you so much,
Scratch.

You know, this whole album

is about girls and empowering
girls and, you know,

kind of just showing girls that
they can be strong and powerful

and do what they want to do

and not what the media
says they need to do.

All right. All right.
That's deep. That's deep.

Now we got some, uh,
young females here

who have some questions for you.

- Is that okay?
- Oh, it's always okay.

- All right.
- It's always okay.

I always want to hear
from my girl army.

Hi, Majesty,
it is so cool to meet you.

Thank you so much.

I think you're beautiful
just like that.

Um... Yeah.

So, okay, last week,

I took your advice
from your song "Get some",

and I "flaunted it
till he wanted it,"

but I ended up
losing my virginity

to a guy that I don't know.

You see, it is time for girls
to take back their power

nowadays 'cause it's your body
and it's your mind,

and it-- you should use that
to feel sexy and empowered.

Okay. Okay, yeah, yeah,
but now I'm pregnant.

Miracles.
Next question.

Oh.

Hi. Hi, Majesty.
I'm Cassie.

I think your album rocks.

Thank you so much, Cassie.

I think you should never change
your skin.

Okay.

So in your song
"Friday Night Freak Down"...

Thank you so much, Cassie.

You say, "bend it over,
touch the ground,

he'll ride you
like his merry-go-round."

Yes, I do.

Is that about butt sex?

What it's about, Cassie, is us
reclaiming our bodies as women

because, you know,
for a long time, being sexy

was about being sexy for a man.

But this is about being sexy
for yourself.

Whoo!

But I've got herpes
in my butt.

Okay, let's change tracks
for a second.

We gon' go to commercial.

When we come back,
Mother Majesty

is going to unfurl her new song.

- What is it about?
- Oh, okay.

It's a--
It's kind of a love song,

and it's about finding strength
after having your heart broken.

All right.
We gon' go to commercial.

When we come back,
Mother Majesty

with "Who Got Next
On This Blackberry Pie?".

(crowd cheering)

Here's your dressing room,
Your Majesty.

- Thank you so much.
- Yeah.

(sighs)

That's right, girls.

Being overly sexual and being
strong are the same thing.

It's the same thing.
(laughs)

It's the same thing.

(laughing maniacally)

Girl power!

(coughing)

God, I think I'm allergic
to this makeup.

(belches)
Now why would I burp?

That's weird.

(both mimic dubstep music)

(scatting)

(both mimic ascending note)

It's getting ready
to break down.

(both mimic dubstep music)

- So I know what that is.
- Yeah.

I know what that is.

Oh, yeah.

Sync & corrections by dwigt
addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0