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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,935 --> 00:00:02,587 - Okay, that's the least of my worries 2 00:00:02,671 --> 00:00:03,908 in episodes I, II, and III, by the way. 3 00:00:03,992 --> 00:00:05,390 - Oh, you're talking about George Lucas 4 00:00:05,473 --> 00:00:08,837 and how he's been completely seduced by C.G.I. 5 00:00:08,921 --> 00:00:10,109 Oh, shit! 6 00:00:10,507 --> 00:00:11,945 - Paint? - This is a new shirt. 7 00:00:12,028 --> 00:00:12,781 - Are you kidding me? - Damn! 8 00:00:12,865 --> 00:00:15,781 - Damn. - Oh, God... Ripped By mstoll 9 00:00:15,865 --> 00:00:17,584 - That sucks. - This is so... 10 00:00:17,667 --> 00:00:18,819 Look at this. 11 00:00:18,902 --> 00:00:19,796 [Chuckles] 12 00:00:19,880 --> 00:00:21,555 It's like I got two little paint titties 13 00:00:21,638 --> 00:00:22,945 on my shirt now. 14 00:00:23,458 --> 00:00:26,659 [Dubstep music] 15 00:00:26,743 --> 00:00:29,129 16 00:00:29,212 --> 00:00:30,297 What are you looking at? 17 00:00:30,380 --> 00:00:31,565 - Hmm? 18 00:00:31,648 --> 00:00:32,617 What? 19 00:00:32,701 --> 00:00:34,133 20 00:00:34,217 --> 00:00:35,235 - Dude, my eyes are up here. 21 00:00:35,318 --> 00:00:36,303 - Yeah. 22 00:00:36,386 --> 00:00:38,218 Eyes. 23 00:00:39,755 --> 00:00:40,874 - Wha... [music stops suddenly] 24 00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,688 Dude, what are you doing? 25 00:00:42,772 --> 00:00:45,025 It's paint. What are you doing? 26 00:00:45,109 --> 00:00:47,147 - Come on, we've had a good time today, haven't we? 27 00:00:47,230 --> 00:00:49,687 You know? We hung out the whole day. 28 00:00:49,771 --> 00:00:51,150 - It's paint! 29 00:00:51,648 --> 00:00:53,185 Paint! It comes off. See? 30 00:00:53,269 --> 00:00:55,155 See how that comes off, huh? - Yeah. 31 00:00:55,238 --> 00:00:57,324 Yeah. Yes. 32 00:00:57,765 --> 00:01:00,160 - Oh, dude, stop it. Just stop it. 33 00:01:00,243 --> 00:01:01,195 - You want me to stop it, 34 00:01:01,279 --> 00:01:02,750 then stop licking your little titties. 35 00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:04,562 - They're not real titties. 36 00:01:04,914 --> 00:01:05,832 - What? - Oh... 37 00:01:05,915 --> 00:01:06,967 - [groans] 38 00:01:07,050 --> 00:01:09,361 - Really? Twice? - Unbelievable. 39 00:01:09,445 --> 00:01:10,504 - Hello, ladies. 40 00:01:10,587 --> 00:01:13,507 [Dubstep music] 41 00:01:13,590 --> 00:01:15,542 42 00:01:15,968 --> 00:01:17,678 Yeah. 43 00:01:17,761 --> 00:01:20,681 [Soul music] 44 00:01:20,764 --> 00:01:28,762 45 00:01:33,003 --> 00:01:34,704 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 46 00:01:38,948 --> 00:01:41,068 [cheers and applause] 47 00:01:41,151 --> 00:01:44,010 - Whoa! 48 00:01:44,387 --> 00:01:45,405 Thank you! 49 00:01:45,488 --> 00:01:48,135 - All right. - Thank you. 50 00:01:48,224 --> 00:01:49,977 Good evening. I am Keegan-Michael Key. 51 00:01:50,060 --> 00:01:52,036 - I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele. 52 00:01:52,120 --> 00:01:56,183 Thank you for coming out. - Yeah, thank you for coming. 53 00:01:56,385 --> 00:01:59,856 There is a real-life dude named Silverberry Mouhon. 54 00:01:59,940 --> 00:02:02,229 [Laughter] 55 00:02:03,479 --> 00:02:06,565 Silverberry is his first name. 56 00:02:07,276 --> 00:02:08,761 Like, his mom just watched 57 00:02:08,845 --> 00:02:09,997 Wllly Wonka and the Chocolate Factory... 58 00:02:10,080 --> 00:02:12,956 - [guffaws] 59 00:02:13,487 --> 00:02:15,833 - Have you been paying attention to players' names? 60 00:02:15,917 --> 00:02:18,038 Real life beat us this year. - Yeah. 61 00:02:18,121 --> 00:02:20,907 You guys know this guy from L.S.U., right? 62 00:02:21,290 --> 00:02:22,575 Barkevious Mingo. 63 00:02:22,658 --> 00:02:24,644 [Laughter] - That's a real dude. 64 00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:25,912 - And I don't if you know this, 65 00:02:25,995 --> 00:02:28,237 but Barkevious Mingo has a brother 66 00:02:28,321 --> 00:02:32,221 by the name of Hughtavious Mingo. 67 00:02:32,305 --> 00:02:34,320 - You know what the most ridiculous one? 68 00:02:34,698 --> 00:02:35,889 There's a dude named 69 00:02:35,971 --> 00:02:39,284 Wonderful Terrific Monds II. 70 00:02:40,243 --> 00:02:42,182 - No. - That's a real dude, Keegan. 71 00:02:42,266 --> 00:02:43,824 That's a real dude. - What? 72 00:02:46,315 --> 00:02:49,035 - I'm Dave Sasson alongside Jeff Worthing, 73 00:02:49,118 --> 00:02:52,339 and welcome to the 2013 East/West Bowl, 74 00:02:52,422 --> 00:02:53,872 where we're going to be watching 75 00:02:53,956 --> 00:02:56,242 some of the best college athletes in the nation 76 00:02:56,325 --> 00:02:59,111 try to put last year's spectacle to shame. 77 00:02:59,195 --> 00:03:00,213 - That's right, Dave. 78 00:03:00,296 --> 00:03:01,715 It won't be easy, 79 00:03:01,798 --> 00:03:04,684 but this year's seniors certainly will be trying 80 00:03:04,767 --> 00:03:07,543 to give last year's stars a run for their money. 81 00:03:07,627 --> 00:03:08,855 Let's check out the teams, 82 00:03:08,938 --> 00:03:10,948 starting with the players from the east. 83 00:03:11,032 --> 00:03:13,542 [Energetic rock music] 84 00:03:13,871 --> 00:03:16,228 85 00:03:16,312 --> 00:03:19,432 - Coznesster Smiff, Rutgers University. 86 00:03:19,515 --> 00:03:23,069 - Elipses Corter, University of Alabama. 87 00:03:23,152 --> 00:03:26,873 - Nyquillus Dillwad, L.S.U. 88 00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:31,077 - Bismo Funyuns, Florida State University. 89 00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,047 - Decatholac Mango, Georgia Tech University. 90 00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:38,284 - Mergatroid Skittle, University of Louisville. 91 00:03:38,367 --> 00:03:41,721 - Quiznatodd Bidness, University of Tennessee. 92 00:03:41,804 --> 00:03:45,114 - D'pez Poopsie, Ole Miss. 93 00:03:45,198 --> 00:03:48,394 - Quackadilly Blip, Auburn University. 94 00:03:48,478 --> 00:03:51,931 - Goolius Boozler, the "U." 95 00:03:52,014 --> 00:03:55,235 - Bisquiteen Trisket, University of Michigan. 96 00:03:55,318 --> 00:03:59,302 - Fartrell Cluggins, University of Arkansas. 97 00:03:59,386 --> 00:04:03,450 - Blyrone Blashinton, Syracuse. 98 00:04:03,534 --> 00:04:06,458 - Cartoons Plural, Virginia Tech. 99 00:04:06,803 --> 00:04:08,856 - Jammie Jammie-Jammie, 100 00:04:08,940 --> 00:04:11,793 the Ohio State University. 101 00:04:12,268 --> 00:04:13,942 - Fudge. 102 00:04:16,706 --> 00:04:18,505 - Some of the big stories this year... 103 00:04:18,589 --> 00:04:21,876 the meteoric rise of D'pez Poopsie, 104 00:04:21,960 --> 00:04:24,263 and let's not forget about Heisman winner 105 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,560 Jammie Jammie-Jammie. 106 00:04:25,644 --> 00:04:28,333 - And remember, you can't talk about 2013 107 00:04:28,417 --> 00:04:29,817 without bringing up Fudge. 108 00:04:29,901 --> 00:04:31,670 Everybody's talking about Fudge. 109 00:04:31,754 --> 00:04:33,807 At 350 pounds, this running back 110 00:04:33,890 --> 00:04:36,109 is almost unstoppable the whole year. 111 00:04:36,192 --> 00:04:38,271 - You're right. I could talk about Fudge all day. 112 00:04:38,355 --> 00:04:40,875 But first, let's meet the players from the west. 113 00:04:40,959 --> 00:04:43,692 [Energetic rock music] 114 00:04:43,776 --> 00:04:46,567 115 00:04:46,651 --> 00:04:50,272 - Equine Ducklings, Indiana University, 116 00:04:50,356 --> 00:04:52,185 Purdue University, Indianapolis. 117 00:04:52,475 --> 00:04:56,629 - Dahistorius Lamystorius, Utah State University. 118 00:04:56,712 --> 00:05:00,300 - Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein, 119 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,239 Oklahoma State University. 120 00:05:02,323 --> 00:05:04,489 - Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow, 121 00:05:04,573 --> 00:05:06,225 University of Nebraska. 122 00:05:06,455 --> 00:05:09,876 - Huka'lakanaka Hakanakahcckalucka'hukahakafaka, 123 00:05:09,959 --> 00:05:11,544 University of Hawaii. 124 00:05:11,627 --> 00:05:15,348 - King Prince Chambermaid, Baylor University. 125 00:05:15,431 --> 00:05:19,986 - Ladennifer Jadaniston, University of Colorado. 126 00:05:20,069 --> 00:05:24,390 - Ladadadaladadadadada Dala-Dadaladaladalada, 127 00:05:24,473 --> 00:05:25,992 University of Arizona. 128 00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:27,989 - Harvard University, 129 00:05:29,155 --> 00:05:30,560 Devry University. 130 00:05:30,644 --> 00:05:35,263 - [Imitating rapid beeping] 131 00:05:35,803 --> 00:05:38,872 Army/navy surplus store. 132 00:05:39,322 --> 00:05:42,842 - Wingdings, online classes. 133 00:05:42,925 --> 00:05:44,911 - [Distorted voice] Firstname Lastname, 134 00:05:44,994 --> 00:05:46,513 College University. 135 00:05:46,596 --> 00:05:49,949 - God, homeschool. 136 00:05:50,032 --> 00:05:54,354 - Squeeeeeeeeeps, Santa Monica College. 137 00:05:54,437 --> 00:05:56,890 - [British accent] Benedict Cumberbatch, 138 00:05:56,973 --> 00:05:59,099 Oxford University. 139 00:05:59,183 --> 00:06:02,175 - A.A. Ron Balakay, Morehouse College. 140 00:06:06,983 --> 00:06:10,069 [Rhythmic bass beat, sensual moans] 141 00:06:10,152 --> 00:06:18,077 142 00:06:18,160 --> 00:06:19,212 - Latrell? 143 00:06:19,295 --> 00:06:20,613 - What's up, baby girl? 144 00:06:20,696 --> 00:06:22,491 - Can you please turn that off? 145 00:06:22,575 --> 00:06:25,618 - Why, you don't like my music? - Is it music? 146 00:06:25,701 --> 00:06:28,054 Because it sounds like a bunch of sex noises 147 00:06:28,137 --> 00:06:30,056 over a bass line. 148 00:06:30,139 --> 00:06:31,224 - Oh. 149 00:06:31,749 --> 00:06:32,759 I get it. 150 00:06:32,842 --> 00:06:34,561 You don't like my music 'cause I'm gay. 151 00:06:34,694 --> 00:06:37,397 You can't handle a gay man's music. 152 00:06:37,481 --> 00:06:38,632 - No, no, no. 153 00:06:38,716 --> 00:06:39,934 It's... I'm trying to work here, 154 00:06:40,018 --> 00:06:41,804 and that music is weirdly sexual. 155 00:06:41,888 --> 00:06:43,733 - Oh, I see. 156 00:06:44,145 --> 00:06:47,311 So my sexuality is weird. 157 00:06:47,395 --> 00:06:50,615 You just can't fathom a man being attracted 158 00:06:50,699 --> 00:06:52,885 to another man. 159 00:06:53,062 --> 00:06:55,048 - I can fathom it. It's... 160 00:06:55,131 --> 00:06:57,083 Can you just please listen to some other gay music, 161 00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:58,418 like Barbra Streisand or something... 162 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:00,086 - Oh, I see, I see. Okay. 163 00:07:00,169 --> 00:07:04,757 So listening to Barbra Streisand is gay. 164 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,639 Stereotype much? 165 00:07:09,312 --> 00:07:11,192 [Keys clacking] 166 00:07:11,276 --> 00:07:12,989 So you seeing anybody lately? 167 00:07:15,424 --> 00:07:17,420 - Yeah, I-I mean, kind of. 168 00:07:17,504 --> 00:07:18,271 I think... 169 00:07:18,354 --> 00:07:20,168 - 'Cause I got it good last night. 170 00:07:20,456 --> 00:07:23,776 Oh, it was like, damn! I mean, my man was like, blop! 171 00:07:24,371 --> 00:07:26,950 Like he had a baby arm holding on to a apple. 172 00:07:27,034 --> 00:07:30,382 - Aw, don't call it a baby arm. 173 00:07:30,466 --> 00:07:31,723 - Aw. 174 00:07:32,075 --> 00:07:33,114 I see. 175 00:07:33,669 --> 00:07:36,256 So you can't handle hearing about how I'm gay. 176 00:07:36,339 --> 00:07:37,621 I'm sorry. 177 00:07:37,705 --> 00:07:40,973 - You just referred to your boyfriend's penis 178 00:07:41,160 --> 00:07:43,363 as a baby's arm holding an apple. 179 00:07:43,446 --> 00:07:44,629 - Well, that's what it looked like. 180 00:07:44,713 --> 00:07:46,599 And it's not my boyfriend, by the way. 181 00:07:46,682 --> 00:07:49,739 And "anywhats," you're homophobic. 182 00:07:50,953 --> 00:07:53,873 - No, no, no. That's not homophobic, okay? 183 00:07:53,956 --> 00:07:57,139 You're explicitly talking about sexual things 184 00:07:57,223 --> 00:07:58,700 in the workplace. 185 00:07:58,861 --> 00:08:00,035 - Fine. 186 00:08:00,119 --> 00:08:02,254 There's plenty of stuff that we can talk about. 187 00:08:02,606 --> 00:08:05,246 You know, uh, my penis cup, 188 00:08:06,097 --> 00:08:09,053 my scrotum cozies that I have been knitting recently... 189 00:08:09,137 --> 00:08:11,558 oh, with these knitting needles that I have just noticed 190 00:08:11,641 --> 00:08:13,762 look like little, skinny, purple penises, 191 00:08:14,124 --> 00:08:15,809 et cetera and et cetera. 192 00:08:15,893 --> 00:08:16,926 - Oh, my God. 193 00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:18,998 - Can I show you a picture, 194 00:08:19,081 --> 00:08:21,133 and then you tell me if it's good for Facebook? 195 00:08:21,520 --> 00:08:23,770 - Okay, I'm fairly certain you're going to show me 196 00:08:23,853 --> 00:08:25,171 something overtly sexual. 197 00:08:25,254 --> 00:08:27,006 - Don't you prejudge me! Here it is. 198 00:08:27,090 --> 00:08:28,723 - Agh! Fuck! 199 00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:31,009 That's a close-up of an anus. 200 00:08:31,093 --> 00:08:33,020 - Oh, no, that's not an anus. 201 00:08:33,758 --> 00:08:36,075 That's my anus, baby girl. 202 00:08:36,159 --> 00:08:38,812 - That's disgusting. - Oh, I see. 203 00:08:39,168 --> 00:08:41,187 So you don't want to see a close-up picture of my anus 204 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:42,590 'cause you hate gay men. 205 00:08:42,674 --> 00:08:43,395 - No. 206 00:08:43,479 --> 00:08:45,324 I don't want to look at a close-up picture 207 00:08:45,408 --> 00:08:46,965 of anyone's anus. 208 00:08:47,209 --> 00:08:48,543 - Homophobe. 209 00:08:48,711 --> 00:08:50,930 Homophobe. There's a homophobe right here. 210 00:08:51,013 --> 00:08:52,665 Ho... [blows whistle] 211 00:08:52,748 --> 00:08:53,936 Homophobe alert! 212 00:08:54,020 --> 00:08:55,348 [High-pitched voice] Homophobe! 213 00:08:55,432 --> 00:08:57,621 [Imitating siren wailing] 214 00:08:58,754 --> 00:08:59,692 - Hey. 215 00:09:00,719 --> 00:09:01,940 - Hey, baby. How's it going? 216 00:09:02,024 --> 00:09:03,864 - Good. Ready to go to lunch? 217 00:09:03,948 --> 00:09:05,133 - Yeah. 218 00:09:05,406 --> 00:09:07,179 Uh, Latrell, this is Gavin. 219 00:09:07,263 --> 00:09:09,116 Gavin, this is Latrell. This is my boyfriend. 220 00:09:09,200 --> 00:09:10,350 - How you doing? 221 00:09:10,433 --> 00:09:12,185 - I'm... I'm... I'm doing very well. 222 00:09:12,268 --> 00:09:14,450 How... how are you doing, Gavin... Gavin? 223 00:09:14,653 --> 00:09:16,748 - Great. Want to go? - Yeah. 224 00:09:16,832 --> 00:09:17,590 - Nice to meet you. 225 00:09:17,674 --> 00:09:18,957 - No, trust me. It's not. 226 00:09:19,041 --> 00:09:20,184 - No? - That's the guy. 227 00:09:20,268 --> 00:09:20,840 - Oh. 228 00:09:20,924 --> 00:09:23,582 - Oh... I get it. 229 00:09:23,931 --> 00:09:26,512 I'm not persecuted. I'm just a asshole. 230 00:09:28,150 --> 00:09:29,947 Ah. 231 00:09:33,824 --> 00:09:35,535 [Soul music] 232 00:09:36,125 --> 00:09:38,378 - Something that fascinates us to no end 233 00:09:38,461 --> 00:09:40,413 are religious cults. - Mm-hmm. 234 00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:42,015 - They're crazy, because that's job security 235 00:09:42,098 --> 00:09:43,082 for the leader... 236 00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,484 - Yes. - No matter what. 237 00:09:44,567 --> 00:09:45,613 That's the best job in the world. 238 00:09:45,697 --> 00:09:47,053 You make up all the rules as you go, 239 00:09:47,136 --> 00:09:48,521 lots of ladies. 240 00:09:48,604 --> 00:09:51,943 - The Lord has declared I get a backrub at 2:00. 241 00:09:52,027 --> 00:09:53,526 - All right. - That's... 242 00:09:53,609 --> 00:09:55,428 - I just... you can do anything you want. 243 00:09:55,511 --> 00:09:58,831 - We will now pass around the Communion of Lemonheads. 244 00:09:58,914 --> 00:09:59,866 That's not... 245 00:09:59,949 --> 00:10:01,600 [laughter] 246 00:10:01,684 --> 00:10:03,222 - My concern with cults... 247 00:10:03,306 --> 00:10:06,538 if your messiah looks more like Jesus than Jesus... 248 00:10:06,622 --> 00:10:08,660 - Mm-hmm. 249 00:10:09,024 --> 00:10:10,777 - Put on the brakes. 250 00:10:10,960 --> 00:10:14,380 - If your messiah smells more like Jesus 251 00:10:14,746 --> 00:10:16,433 than Jesus... 252 00:10:17,800 --> 00:10:20,808 If your messiah looks like that man right there... 253 00:10:20,892 --> 00:10:25,080 [laughter and applause] 254 00:10:25,164 --> 00:10:28,651 - Ohm. 255 00:10:28,735 --> 00:10:31,096 [News fanfare] 256 00:10:31,180 --> 00:10:34,033 - Rick Nicklesby reporting live from a gruesome scene. 257 00:10:34,116 --> 00:10:37,403 A cult known as Q.E.T., or Quest for Eternal Truth, 258 00:10:37,486 --> 00:10:40,540 has apparently taken their own lives in a mass suicide. 259 00:10:40,623 --> 00:10:43,576 Police confirm that cyanide-laced cherry Kool-Aid 260 00:10:43,659 --> 00:10:45,152 was also on the premises. 261 00:10:45,236 --> 00:10:47,340 Excuse me. Hi. Rick Nicklesby, Channel 6. 262 00:10:47,424 --> 00:10:49,108 Hi. Are you two from the neighborhood? 263 00:10:49,192 --> 00:10:50,449 - Yes. - No. 264 00:10:51,032 --> 00:10:52,074 - No. - Yes. 265 00:10:52,568 --> 00:10:54,821 [Both speaking gibberish] 266 00:10:54,965 --> 00:10:57,334 - Okay, were you two members of the cult that lived here? 267 00:10:57,418 --> 00:10:58,474 - The cul... what cult? 268 00:10:58,558 --> 00:10:59,865 - What? - Was this a cult right here? 269 00:10:59,949 --> 00:11:00,893 - Cult? - I had no idea this was a cult. 270 00:11:00,977 --> 00:11:01,894 - No way. - A cult? 271 00:11:01,977 --> 00:11:02,824 - Although I will say, 272 00:11:02,908 --> 00:11:04,463 the term "cult" is a little judgmental. 273 00:11:04,547 --> 00:11:05,998 - I would say the same thing, yeah. 274 00:11:06,081 --> 00:11:07,600 - Not knowing the full doctrine. - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 275 00:11:07,683 --> 00:11:09,001 - Well, apparently, they believed that there was 276 00:11:09,084 --> 00:11:10,803 a spaceship waiting for them behind the moon. 277 00:11:10,886 --> 00:11:12,972 - Okay, well, you know, that still is really possible. 278 00:11:13,055 --> 00:11:14,674 - Not completely crazy. - It's possible, right? 279 00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,309 I mean, who knows what is out there in the universe? 280 00:11:16,392 --> 00:11:17,910 - Anything could be behind the moon. 281 00:11:17,993 --> 00:11:19,345 - Okay, well, it appears they killed themselves 282 00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:20,980 in order to board the ship. 283 00:11:21,063 --> 00:11:22,315 - Right, and that's where we disagreed with them, 284 00:11:22,398 --> 00:11:23,649 right there, or would have... 285 00:11:23,732 --> 00:11:25,121 we would have disagreed with them 286 00:11:25,205 --> 00:11:27,018 had we been there on our departure day... 287 00:11:27,102 --> 00:11:29,122 their departure day. Their departure day! 288 00:11:29,205 --> 00:11:30,123 - Yeah. - Which is the day 289 00:11:30,206 --> 00:11:31,791 that they did this. 290 00:11:31,874 --> 00:11:33,292 I mean, that's what you could call it, 291 00:11:33,375 --> 00:11:34,927 if you wanted to... I ain't in no cult. 292 00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:37,802 - No, I mean, what I always wondered is how... 293 00:11:37,886 --> 00:11:39,599 or am starting to wonder, 294 00:11:39,683 --> 00:11:41,769 since you brought this to our attention... 295 00:11:41,853 --> 00:11:44,102 why... if there was a spaceship in the sky, 296 00:11:44,186 --> 00:11:46,639 why wouldn't it just beam us up... beam them up? 297 00:11:46,722 --> 00:11:48,631 - Right, just beam 'em... just beam them up. 298 00:11:48,715 --> 00:11:50,143 Why can't you just beam them up alive? 299 00:11:50,226 --> 00:11:51,482 Why you got to be dead to get beamed up? 300 00:11:51,566 --> 00:11:52,623 You know what I'm saying? 301 00:11:52,707 --> 00:11:54,027 I've been saying that for weeks... seconds. 302 00:11:54,111 --> 00:11:56,097 For seconds, 'cause... because you, Rick Nicklesby, 303 00:11:56,258 --> 00:11:57,977 you told us that, you know, 304 00:11:58,116 --> 00:11:59,985 and that's how I knew, because... 305 00:12:00,069 --> 00:12:01,621 - 15 seconds ago. - 15 seconds ago, you said it. 306 00:12:01,704 --> 00:12:03,156 I didn't know anything about it until you said it, 307 00:12:03,239 --> 00:12:04,690 'cause I ain't in no cult. 308 00:12:04,773 --> 00:12:06,626 - Okay, then why would someone join a cult? 309 00:12:06,824 --> 00:12:08,661 - Compelling leadership. - Charismatic leader. 310 00:12:08,744 --> 00:12:10,363 - [Stammering] Like, a compelling... 311 00:12:10,446 --> 00:12:11,998 - Taco Tuesdays. - A person... 312 00:12:12,081 --> 00:12:13,032 - Taco Tuesdays. - Taco Tuesdays. 313 00:12:13,115 --> 00:12:14,400 - I mean, hypothetically, 314 00:12:14,483 --> 00:12:15,468 they could have had tacos on Tuesday, 315 00:12:15,551 --> 00:12:16,702 which would have been a draw. 316 00:12:16,785 --> 00:12:17,904 I mean, that would have been a plus. 317 00:12:18,074 --> 00:12:20,185 - Okay, so this is a tragic day 318 00:12:20,269 --> 00:12:21,371 for this community 319 00:12:21,455 --> 00:12:24,710 and for the members of the Quest for Earthly Truth. 320 00:12:24,832 --> 00:12:27,680 I'm Rick Nicklesby reporting... 321 00:12:27,764 --> 00:12:29,027 Whoa. 322 00:12:29,111 --> 00:12:30,081 - You see? - Yep. 323 00:12:30,165 --> 00:12:31,517 - You see? - Uh-huh. 324 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,653 Everybody jumped the gun. - [Gasping] 325 00:12:33,736 --> 00:12:37,069 - We're ready! - [Laughing] 326 00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:45,097 - Jordan and I lived together. We lived together. 327 00:12:45,180 --> 00:12:47,237 Who was your landlord when we lived in that apartment? 328 00:12:47,321 --> 00:12:48,367 - My landlord? Um... 329 00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:49,492 - Did you ever meet your landlord? 330 00:12:49,576 --> 00:12:51,236 - Russian lady. - Some Russian lady. 331 00:12:51,320 --> 00:12:53,773 - Some Russian lady. Never saw her. 332 00:12:54,026 --> 00:12:56,112 But I love the way... you always say we were roommates for, 333 00:12:56,196 --> 00:12:58,487 uh, what, two months? 334 00:12:58,571 --> 00:12:59,779 - About two months, yeah. 335 00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:02,032 - We weren't roommates, though, 'cause I didn't get no rent. 336 00:13:02,116 --> 00:13:03,950 [Laughter] 337 00:13:04,033 --> 00:13:06,619 - Cleaning your bathroom... - Yeah. 338 00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:08,354 - Is worth about six months' rent. 339 00:13:08,437 --> 00:13:10,532 - That's true. 340 00:13:10,616 --> 00:13:12,868 [Pounding at door] 341 00:13:13,328 --> 00:13:16,863 - It's your landlord! [Pounding continues] 342 00:13:16,946 --> 00:13:18,500 - Hey, Devon. 343 00:13:18,672 --> 00:13:20,591 - Hey, how you doing, brother? 344 00:13:20,675 --> 00:13:21,734 How you doing? Yeah. 345 00:13:21,817 --> 00:13:24,391 Just, uh, stopping by. 346 00:13:24,853 --> 00:13:28,321 Just wanted to check up on everything. 347 00:13:30,192 --> 00:13:31,878 - Okay. - Yeah... Aha! 348 00:13:31,961 --> 00:13:33,680 You in here, you little motherfucker? 349 00:13:34,942 --> 00:13:36,180 Nope. 350 00:13:36,780 --> 00:13:38,438 Closet look good. 351 00:13:40,636 --> 00:13:41,922 Door is strong. 352 00:13:42,671 --> 00:13:44,757 So y'all settling in? - Yeah. 353 00:13:44,840 --> 00:13:48,125 We've been living here a year and a half, so we have. 354 00:13:48,211 --> 00:13:51,805 - So, uh, how are these cupboards working out for you? 355 00:13:52,782 --> 00:13:54,039 Man, nobody in here... 356 00:13:54,883 --> 00:13:56,602 besides your stuff, which looks good. 357 00:13:56,686 --> 00:13:57,672 - Thank you. 358 00:13:58,420 --> 00:13:59,914 - Completely unrelated... 359 00:14:00,522 --> 00:14:04,172 have y'all seen a 4'11" dude with a purple beard up in here? 360 00:14:04,256 --> 00:14:05,410 - No. No. 361 00:14:05,494 --> 00:14:07,742 No, no one's in here... 362 00:14:07,997 --> 00:14:10,249 probably because we lock the door. 363 00:14:10,332 --> 00:14:14,266 - Oh, he got the body like a rat. 364 00:14:14,603 --> 00:14:17,752 He can just squeeze through the vents. 365 00:14:17,836 --> 00:14:19,025 - Yeah. 366 00:14:19,108 --> 00:14:21,093 So you think somebody's hiding in my apartment? 367 00:14:21,176 --> 00:14:22,094 - No. 368 00:14:22,177 --> 00:14:23,610 I told you... 369 00:14:23,946 --> 00:14:25,383 it's just a social call. 370 00:14:25,547 --> 00:14:27,266 I mean, why would Gerald be in here, anyway? 371 00:14:27,349 --> 00:14:28,534 - Gerald. 372 00:14:28,617 --> 00:14:31,037 There is a man with a purple beard 373 00:14:31,120 --> 00:14:33,463 named Gerald in my apartment? 374 00:14:33,547 --> 00:14:34,463 - Hell, no! 375 00:14:34,547 --> 00:14:36,375 Why? Did you see him? 376 00:14:36,458 --> 00:14:38,044 He about 4'9", got a purple beard. 377 00:14:38,289 --> 00:14:39,378 - Yeah. 378 00:14:39,461 --> 00:14:40,880 - Hey, baby... - [screams maniacally] 379 00:14:40,963 --> 00:14:42,048 - [Screams] - Ugh! 380 00:14:42,131 --> 00:14:43,616 This is... agh! 381 00:14:43,699 --> 00:14:45,961 [Grunts] 382 00:14:46,045 --> 00:14:47,464 Oh. [Laughs] 383 00:14:47,609 --> 00:14:49,428 Hey, baby girl. 384 00:14:49,512 --> 00:14:52,123 You ain't Gerald. [Snickers] 385 00:14:52,207 --> 00:14:55,494 Oh, by the by, have you seen a 4'5" purple beard? 386 00:14:55,577 --> 00:14:56,796 - Baby... 387 00:14:56,879 --> 00:14:58,965 - Devon, what's going on? 388 00:14:59,930 --> 00:15:02,134 - Okay, you know, I'm gonna level with all y'all. 389 00:15:02,217 --> 00:15:05,705 There is a 4'3" nigga with a purple beard named Gerald 390 00:15:05,788 --> 00:15:07,589 somewhere in this building. 391 00:15:07,673 --> 00:15:09,408 - Why does he keep getting smaller 392 00:15:09,491 --> 00:15:10,743 every time you mention him? 393 00:15:10,826 --> 00:15:11,534 - Seriously? 394 00:15:11,618 --> 00:15:13,237 'Cause I didn't want to alarm y'all. 395 00:15:13,321 --> 00:15:16,464 He is disturbingly small, really. 396 00:15:16,596 --> 00:15:17,814 He a good guy. 397 00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:19,721 He smoke rock, though. 398 00:15:19,805 --> 00:15:24,059 I mean, he'll do anything to get money for crack. 399 00:15:24,735 --> 00:15:25,658 Anything. 400 00:15:26,039 --> 00:15:27,383 - Okay. 401 00:15:27,896 --> 00:15:29,782 - I mean anything. 402 00:15:30,211 --> 00:15:31,364 - I get it. 403 00:15:31,447 --> 00:15:36,202 - He will... murder you. 404 00:15:36,285 --> 00:15:40,172 - Well, we certainly hope you find him. 405 00:15:40,255 --> 00:15:42,164 - Oh, I'm gonna find him. 406 00:15:42,491 --> 00:15:44,000 Don't worry about that, 407 00:15:44,193 --> 00:15:45,719 'cause I'm gonna look low, 408 00:15:46,095 --> 00:15:48,214 and then I'm gonna look high. 409 00:15:48,297 --> 00:15:51,217 [Grunting] 410 00:15:51,300 --> 00:15:52,551 - [Screams] 411 00:15:52,634 --> 00:15:55,688 [Both screaming] 412 00:15:55,771 --> 00:15:58,516 - Gerald, you tiny little bitch! 413 00:15:58,600 --> 00:16:00,352 Sorry for the inconvenience, y'all. 414 00:16:00,554 --> 00:16:03,789 Gerald, when I get my hands on you, you gonna be 2'3"! 415 00:16:05,088 --> 00:16:08,933 [News fanfare] 416 00:16:09,017 --> 00:16:10,536 - Welcome to Metta World News. 417 00:16:10,619 --> 00:16:11,904 In science news, 418 00:16:11,987 --> 00:16:14,151 it is impossible to knock yourself out 419 00:16:14,235 --> 00:16:15,758 with your own fists. 420 00:16:16,391 --> 00:16:18,110 Let's not fall behind, America. 421 00:16:18,985 --> 00:16:20,813 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 422 00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:23,416 for this Wednesday, biscuit, biscuit, biscuit. 423 00:16:23,499 --> 00:16:24,984 I'm Metta World Peace. 424 00:16:25,067 --> 00:16:26,047 Good night. 425 00:16:33,203 --> 00:16:34,493 You win, fish. 426 00:16:34,795 --> 00:16:36,626 Now I'm the one in the aquarium. 427 00:16:38,460 --> 00:16:40,625 [Soul music] 428 00:16:41,141 --> 00:16:42,468 - How many dads do we have here? 429 00:16:43,016 --> 00:16:44,136 A few dads? 430 00:16:44,219 --> 00:16:45,672 All right. 431 00:16:45,756 --> 00:16:47,308 The best thing about being a father 432 00:16:47,556 --> 00:16:48,474 is the mother. 433 00:16:48,557 --> 00:16:49,608 - It's the mom. - Right? 434 00:16:49,691 --> 00:16:50,485 It's the mother. 435 00:16:50,569 --> 00:16:51,854 Because of moms, 436 00:16:51,938 --> 00:16:53,805 dads have the default phrase, right? 437 00:16:53,896 --> 00:16:55,547 - What'd your mother say? 438 00:16:56,265 --> 00:16:57,616 - I... well, I... yeah, I didn't ask her yet. 439 00:16:57,699 --> 00:16:59,196 That's why I came to you, 'cause... 440 00:16:59,280 --> 00:17:00,391 - Don't do that. 441 00:17:02,594 --> 00:17:04,323 - If the kid comes to the dad, 442 00:17:04,406 --> 00:17:05,791 the dad should already just extrapolate 443 00:17:05,874 --> 00:17:07,626 that Mom was gonna say no. 444 00:17:07,709 --> 00:17:09,995 - 'Cause you know the dad's made that mistake before 445 00:17:10,078 --> 00:17:11,363 and got the kid some shit, 446 00:17:11,633 --> 00:17:13,265 had to walk into his wife's room, 447 00:17:13,348 --> 00:17:14,508 talking about... 448 00:17:16,047 --> 00:17:18,594 [laughter] 449 00:17:18,678 --> 00:17:20,219 - Slingshots? 450 00:17:21,590 --> 00:17:24,242 - They had done some Jedi mind tricks. 451 00:17:25,928 --> 00:17:28,555 They told me you said they could have it. 452 00:17:29,338 --> 00:17:30,789 - They used the Jedi mind trick? 453 00:17:30,873 --> 00:17:32,684 - They used the Jedi mind trick, man. 454 00:17:32,768 --> 00:17:35,696 - You'll never have sex again. - Aw, man. 455 00:17:37,217 --> 00:17:38,903 - [Gasps] 456 00:17:39,041 --> 00:17:40,899 D-dad? Dad? 457 00:17:41,122 --> 00:17:42,235 Dad! 458 00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,198 - Hey, what's wrong, man? 459 00:17:46,281 --> 00:17:47,727 - I was having a nightmare. 460 00:17:47,811 --> 00:17:50,507 - Oh, again? 461 00:17:53,322 --> 00:17:56,655 What, you want to talk about it? - I miss Mommy. 462 00:17:58,060 --> 00:18:00,846 - Hey, I know. I know. 463 00:18:00,929 --> 00:18:02,802 It's... hey, me too. Me too, pal. 464 00:18:03,162 --> 00:18:04,517 - [Sniffling] 465 00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:07,386 - Come here, man. - [Sobbing] 466 00:18:07,469 --> 00:18:09,193 - It's all right. Hey, it's okay. 467 00:18:09,277 --> 00:18:12,223 It's gonna be okay. Shh, shh, shh. 468 00:18:12,307 --> 00:18:14,826 - I just don't want anything to ever happen to you. 469 00:18:15,310 --> 00:18:16,310 - Happen to me? 470 00:18:16,394 --> 00:18:19,697 Hey, come on, man, ain't nothing ever gonna happen to me. 471 00:18:19,781 --> 00:18:20,685 - Really? 472 00:18:22,599 --> 00:18:25,070 - Y-yeah. That's what I said. 473 00:18:25,505 --> 00:18:26,515 So, yes. 474 00:18:26,599 --> 00:18:28,687 That, um, nothing ever gonna happen to me. 475 00:18:28,771 --> 00:18:29,842 And you ain't never gonna have to worry 476 00:18:29,925 --> 00:18:31,076 about nothing happening to me. 477 00:18:31,159 --> 00:18:33,445 - But... but... what if... 478 00:18:33,528 --> 00:18:35,763 What if you got hit by a car or something? 479 00:18:37,432 --> 00:18:40,920 - That's impossible, because I will never die, 480 00:18:41,002 --> 00:18:43,045 s-so I can't... 481 00:18:44,428 --> 00:18:46,013 die, no matter what. 482 00:18:46,142 --> 00:18:47,427 - You can't die? 483 00:18:47,760 --> 00:18:50,521 But I thought all human beings died. 484 00:18:53,282 --> 00:18:54,900 - That's true. That's true. 485 00:18:54,983 --> 00:18:56,959 That's science, so that's true. 486 00:18:57,043 --> 00:19:01,731 But I am lucky, 'cause I am not a human. 487 00:19:01,815 --> 00:19:02,982 - You're not? 488 00:19:04,493 --> 00:19:06,381 - I never told you about this? - No. 489 00:19:07,399 --> 00:19:08,914 - Hey, you know, I'll just let it out. 490 00:19:08,997 --> 00:19:13,079 I'm from a planet called L-la... Thelonious, 491 00:19:13,335 --> 00:19:15,852 and the thing is, it was being destroyed. 492 00:19:15,936 --> 00:19:16,854 - All right. 493 00:19:16,938 --> 00:19:17,890 - That's what happened. 494 00:19:17,973 --> 00:19:21,159 My... was... I was sent down here in... in... 495 00:19:21,243 --> 00:19:24,163 in a capsule to earth by my parents. 496 00:19:24,246 --> 00:19:25,899 - Oh, like Superman. 497 00:19:26,312 --> 00:19:28,564 - Superman, yep. 498 00:19:28,850 --> 00:19:32,104 That is what it is exactly like, except... 499 00:19:32,187 --> 00:19:34,273 Oh, here's the thing about my version. 500 00:19:34,415 --> 00:19:36,942 Only one superpower... immortality. 501 00:19:37,048 --> 00:19:38,714 - Oh. - Yeah. 502 00:19:38,798 --> 00:19:39,745 So I'm tired. 503 00:19:39,828 --> 00:19:41,063 Daddy's tired. 504 00:19:41,596 --> 00:19:44,283 Can you... Let's go to sleep, okay? 505 00:19:44,366 --> 00:19:46,619 - But I'm not going to live forever, right? 506 00:19:46,702 --> 00:19:49,331 Because I'm only half-alien. 507 00:19:49,415 --> 00:19:51,824 [Sobbing] 508 00:19:52,055 --> 00:19:53,766 So I'm gonna die. 509 00:19:54,176 --> 00:19:55,712 - Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 510 00:19:56,391 --> 00:19:57,415 You? 511 00:19:58,013 --> 00:20:01,305 You... you right about yourself, ex... 512 00:20:01,750 --> 00:20:02,668 but... 513 00:20:02,751 --> 00:20:04,001 Ha ha ha! 514 00:20:04,218 --> 00:20:05,303 Here it is. 515 00:20:05,754 --> 00:20:07,477 This one slipped my mind. 516 00:20:07,956 --> 00:20:11,277 You can build with me 517 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:13,259 an immortality machine 518 00:20:13,462 --> 00:20:15,447 to give you what I got 519 00:20:15,530 --> 00:20:17,628 from the remnants of my spacecraft. 520 00:20:17,712 --> 00:20:18,651 So, yeah. 521 00:20:18,734 --> 00:20:20,766 - Wow. - You gonna be immortal. 522 00:20:21,269 --> 00:20:22,751 You gonna be immortal. 523 00:20:22,835 --> 00:20:25,321 - Daddy, when are we gonna get the remnants? 524 00:20:25,807 --> 00:20:27,493 - Tomorrow. - Tomorrow? 525 00:20:27,576 --> 00:20:28,894 [Gasps] 526 00:20:29,274 --> 00:20:32,243 - Gonna get them tomorrow during... work. 527 00:20:33,548 --> 00:20:35,467 Hey, you got anything that looks like 528 00:20:35,550 --> 00:20:37,438 parts of a crashed spaceship? 529 00:20:37,953 --> 00:20:39,204 - Dead mom? - Mm-hmm. 530 00:20:39,287 --> 00:20:41,477 - Mm-hmm. Right this way. 531 00:20:42,391 --> 00:20:43,976 [Applause] 532 00:20:44,059 --> 00:20:45,878 - Jordan... so, Jordan, hey, 533 00:20:45,961 --> 00:20:47,829 you think we should say good-bye? 534 00:20:48,532 --> 00:20:50,416 - What'd your mom say? - Oh, jeez. 535 00:20:50,499 --> 00:20:52,551 [Laughter] Good night, everybody. 536 00:20:52,634 --> 00:20:56,322 - Good night. - Whoo! 537 00:20:56,405 --> 00:20:59,258 - I'm gonna do my one line here 538 00:20:59,341 --> 00:21:01,332 - Oh, yeah. 539 00:21:03,245 --> 00:21:04,264 - You ever see a dude 540 00:21:04,348 --> 00:21:06,330 just surrounded by, like, eight kids? 541 00:21:06,414 --> 00:21:10,335 - [Squealing] 542 00:21:10,419 --> 00:21:11,938 Daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy... 543 00:21:12,021 --> 00:21:12,939 - Come on, come on. - Daddy, daddy, da... 544 00:21:13,022 --> 00:21:15,350 - Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. 545 00:21:16,062 --> 00:21:18,164 What? Ripped By mstoll 546 00:21:18,248 --> 00:21:19,203 Resync Bluray by LeRalouf 547 00:21:19,253 --> 00:21:23,803 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37957

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