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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,819 - I am here with Ozamataz Buckshank, 2 00:00:02,902 --> 00:00:04,821 the rookie out of Stanford University, 3 00:00:04,904 --> 00:00:07,925 who is undoubtedly the MVP of today's game 4 00:00:08,008 --> 00:00:10,160 with an interception that he runs back for a touchdown 5 00:00:10,243 --> 00:00:12,529 in the last 30 seconds of the contest. 6 00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:14,865 Ozamataz, can you walk us through what happened Ripped By mstoll 7 00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:16,333 on that last play? 8 00:00:16,416 --> 00:00:18,001 It was amazing. - Yeah, we knew we had to go 9 00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:19,970 out there, give 100%, and we executed. 10 00:00:20,053 --> 00:00:21,338 It just went our way today. 11 00:00:21,421 --> 00:00:22,639 - And was the quarterback giving you 12 00:00:22,722 --> 00:00:24,485 any clues today, Oz? 13 00:00:24,569 --> 00:00:26,209 It looked like you knew that ball was gonna be there. 14 00:00:26,292 --> 00:00:27,444 What was happening? 15 00:00:27,527 --> 00:00:28,779 - Knew we wanted to have some fun, 16 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,447 you know, execute. 17 00:00:30,530 --> 00:00:32,780 Play one quarter at a time, give 100%, 100%. 18 00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:34,651 - Oh, okay, okay. You know, let's just... 19 00:00:34,734 --> 00:00:36,491 let's talk about last week's game. 20 00:00:37,105 --> 00:00:38,721 You guys lost a heartbreaker. 21 00:00:38,973 --> 00:00:41,626 Give me your state of mind, then versus now. 22 00:00:41,710 --> 00:00:45,162 - Wanted to do it play by play, give it 100%, execution-wise. 23 00:00:45,327 --> 00:00:47,079 Execute. - Okay. 24 00:00:47,217 --> 00:00:49,116 I'm gonna ask you something completely different 25 00:00:49,200 --> 00:00:50,264 that's not about football. 26 00:00:50,348 --> 00:00:52,116 Look at me, Oz. Just look at me for a second. 27 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:53,337 I'm gonna ask you a question right here. That a boy. 28 00:00:53,526 --> 00:00:55,678 So you and your wife recently had... 29 00:00:55,762 --> 00:00:57,074 Right here. Stay with me. 30 00:00:57,157 --> 00:00:59,176 You and your wife recently had twins, okay? 31 00:00:59,259 --> 00:01:00,978 How does it feel to be a new dad? 32 00:01:01,129 --> 00:01:03,479 - You know, we wanted to stay as a team, execute, 33 00:01:03,563 --> 00:01:05,653 give 100%, play by play. 34 00:01:05,737 --> 00:01:07,833 - Okay, you know what, I'm gonna just... I'm just gonna... 35 00:01:08,060 --> 00:01:09,637 I'm gonna do a little test right now. 36 00:01:10,497 --> 00:01:12,389 Hey, Oz, how'd you get to the game today? 37 00:01:12,472 --> 00:01:14,989 - They a good team, great team, 100%. 38 00:01:16,731 --> 00:01:18,495 - And what'd you have for dinner last night? 39 00:01:18,578 --> 00:01:19,896 - 100% of 100%. - 100%. Yeah, you did. 40 00:01:19,979 --> 00:01:22,614 Of course. 100% of whatever 100% was. 41 00:01:22,816 --> 00:01:25,256 You know what, can you just do me a favor 42 00:01:25,340 --> 00:01:26,703 and tell me one specific thing? 43 00:01:26,786 --> 00:01:31,139 Like, just one actual, original observation that you had 44 00:01:31,223 --> 00:01:32,778 about today's game? 45 00:01:32,864 --> 00:01:36,335 The game that you won almost single-handedly. 46 00:01:36,419 --> 00:01:37,983 Do you think that you could do that, Oz? 47 00:01:38,067 --> 00:01:40,217 - Oh, 100%. - Oh, God damn it! 48 00:01:40,300 --> 00:01:43,220 [Soul music] 49 00:01:43,303 --> 00:01:51,301 50 00:01:55,269 --> 00:01:56,970 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 51 00:02:01,321 --> 00:02:03,273 Hey. 52 00:02:03,356 --> 00:02:04,975 Aah! 53 00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,787 Thank you. 54 00:02:08,995 --> 00:02:11,381 - All right. - Thank you, everybody, so much. 55 00:02:11,464 --> 00:02:12,968 Thank you, thank you. Welcome. 56 00:02:13,052 --> 00:02:15,152 I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele. 57 00:02:15,235 --> 00:02:16,253 - And we are Key and Peele. 58 00:02:16,336 --> 00:02:18,455 [Cheers and applause] 59 00:02:18,538 --> 00:02:20,123 Thank you. 60 00:02:20,206 --> 00:02:22,426 - You guys know when Superman and Batman 61 00:02:22,509 --> 00:02:24,697 meet in comic books and TV shows? 62 00:02:24,781 --> 00:02:26,797 - You know... if you're a comic book fan. Yeah. 63 00:02:26,880 --> 00:02:27,964 - They always meet, and it's like they're equals. 64 00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:29,166 - Yeah. They're not equals. 65 00:02:29,249 --> 00:02:30,834 - They're not equals. No. 66 00:02:30,917 --> 00:02:32,436 - They're, like... if they're on a stakeout, 67 00:02:32,519 --> 00:02:34,252 like, what's Batman supposed to do? 68 00:02:34,336 --> 00:02:36,273 [Raspy] There are the bad guys. 69 00:02:36,589 --> 00:02:37,941 I'll use my utility belt freeze... 70 00:02:38,024 --> 00:02:39,409 - [whoops] Got 'em. 71 00:02:39,492 --> 00:02:40,644 - Oh, okay. 72 00:02:40,727 --> 00:02:42,804 [Laughter] 73 00:02:43,563 --> 00:02:44,781 I'm gonna give you a tour of Gotham. 74 00:02:44,864 --> 00:02:45,782 - Please. Of Gotham? 75 00:02:45,865 --> 00:02:47,017 - Yes. - The city? 76 00:02:47,100 --> 00:02:48,744 - Yeah, I was gonna get in my Batwing... 77 00:02:48,828 --> 00:02:49,786 - Cool. 78 00:02:49,869 --> 00:02:50,987 - And you and I could travel around, fly through the sky. 79 00:02:51,070 --> 00:02:52,255 - Oh, we don't need that. 80 00:02:52,338 --> 00:02:54,791 Just... You want to climb on top? 81 00:02:54,874 --> 00:02:56,312 Come on. 82 00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:59,336 Get up on it. 83 00:02:59,579 --> 00:03:01,750 Jump up on it. 84 00:03:02,081 --> 00:03:04,549 Come on. There you go. 85 00:03:05,984 --> 00:03:08,869 Is that... is that your utility belt 86 00:03:08,953 --> 00:03:10,952 I'm feeling? 87 00:03:12,225 --> 00:03:14,611 [Phone rings] 88 00:03:14,694 --> 00:03:15,946 - Hello, SkyMall magazine. 89 00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,353 This is Riyaz speaking. 90 00:03:17,437 --> 00:03:19,173 - Hello, Riyaz. 91 00:03:19,257 --> 00:03:21,166 I would like to report 92 00:03:21,250 --> 00:03:24,875 an item which I ordered that arrived broken. 93 00:03:25,021 --> 00:03:27,484 - Wendell Sanders, Mockingbird Lane. 94 00:03:27,623 --> 00:03:28,757 - That's right. 95 00:03:28,841 --> 00:03:31,478 - I am showing the last item that you received 96 00:03:31,561 --> 00:03:34,250 is the Superman bed with the mattress of solitude. 97 00:03:34,334 --> 00:03:35,752 - That's the one. 98 00:03:35,836 --> 00:03:37,650 Ordered it for my son for his birthday, 99 00:03:37,734 --> 00:03:40,000 but I cannot give it to him like this. 100 00:03:40,084 --> 00:03:42,221 And I'm pretty darn-tootin' pissed about it. 101 00:03:42,305 --> 00:03:43,625 - I'm really sorry, sir. 102 00:03:43,709 --> 00:03:46,625 I will start processing your reorder right now 103 00:03:46,709 --> 00:03:48,086 with you on the line, okay? 104 00:03:48,211 --> 00:03:50,130 - I ain't mad at you, Riyaz. 105 00:03:50,213 --> 00:03:51,882 It's just the system. I know. 106 00:03:51,966 --> 00:03:53,952 - Okay. Thank you for understanding, sir. 107 00:03:54,437 --> 00:03:55,402 Kids, eh? 108 00:03:55,656 --> 00:03:56,483 - Huh? 109 00:03:57,620 --> 00:04:01,656 Oh, ki... Well, yeah, just got the one myself. 110 00:04:02,091 --> 00:04:05,007 Had sex with a woman and everything to get him. 111 00:04:05,261 --> 00:04:06,479 How long is this gonna... 112 00:04:06,562 --> 00:04:07,640 - What is your son's name? 113 00:04:08,734 --> 00:04:12,292 - Oh, um... 114 00:04:13,436 --> 00:04:14,531 Stimpy. 115 00:04:16,963 --> 00:04:18,325 Pretty much Stimpy. 116 00:04:18,408 --> 00:04:19,628 - I have boys too. 117 00:04:19,745 --> 00:04:21,061 I'll tell you, sometimes they can be 118 00:04:21,144 --> 00:04:22,696 a real couple of you-know-whats. 119 00:04:22,779 --> 00:04:24,030 - Fucking assholes? 120 00:04:24,113 --> 00:04:25,932 You're preaching to the choir, Riyaz. 121 00:04:26,015 --> 00:04:29,035 Stimpy, don't you give me that look. 122 00:04:29,118 --> 00:04:31,571 You're gonna get it when your mama comes home. 123 00:04:31,654 --> 00:04:33,713 - Oh, my, sounds like your wife is... 124 00:04:33,797 --> 00:04:36,549 - Bitch on wheels. You got that straight, Riyaz. 125 00:04:37,628 --> 00:04:39,239 Hot little biscuit, though. 126 00:04:39,323 --> 00:04:40,380 Name's Claire. 127 00:04:40,463 --> 00:04:42,215 Body: Ten, face: Ten. 128 00:04:42,298 --> 00:04:45,378 So pretty much hit that every night. 129 00:04:46,542 --> 00:04:48,188 Sexually. 130 00:04:48,628 --> 00:04:50,256 Anyway, what's holding up the... 131 00:04:50,339 --> 00:04:51,557 - Oh, one more minute. 132 00:04:51,740 --> 00:04:53,253 And how old is your son? 133 00:04:56,289 --> 00:04:58,041 - 15. - 15? 134 00:04:58,862 --> 00:05:00,800 And he still wants a Superman bed. 135 00:05:01,299 --> 00:05:03,745 Ah, a late bloomer. 136 00:05:03,829 --> 00:05:05,823 Enjoy it while you still can. 137 00:05:06,456 --> 00:05:08,274 He'll grow out of the toys any day now. 138 00:05:08,557 --> 00:05:10,276 They all do, and the second 139 00:05:10,359 --> 00:05:12,387 he starts hooking up with the girls, 140 00:05:12,471 --> 00:05:15,447 he'll forget all about that Superman and Spider-Man stuff. 141 00:05:15,531 --> 00:05:17,549 - Pretty much seems like how it would happen. 142 00:05:18,190 --> 00:05:19,719 Maybe then he'll stop bothering me 143 00:05:19,802 --> 00:05:21,821 with all those stupid, little facts 144 00:05:21,904 --> 00:05:23,723 about how those characters you just named 145 00:05:23,807 --> 00:05:27,120 are clearly from two distinct and separate universes. 146 00:05:27,204 --> 00:05:28,723 - Sadly, some people never move on. 147 00:05:28,807 --> 00:05:30,596 - Sad? I got a better word for you. 148 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:31,798 Pathetic. 149 00:05:31,881 --> 00:05:33,762 - Well, I wouldn't say pathetic. 150 00:05:33,846 --> 00:05:37,003 - Hey, I calls 'em likes I sees 'em, Riyaz, 151 00:05:37,086 --> 00:05:39,682 and I don'st tolerate nerds. 152 00:05:39,766 --> 00:05:41,740 In fact, let me nip this in the bud real quick. 153 00:05:41,824 --> 00:05:44,370 Stimpy, Stimpy, get back in here. 154 00:05:44,510 --> 00:05:46,613 - Well, I didn't mean to... - There you are, 155 00:05:46,696 --> 00:05:50,237 with your round body and your creepy-ass face. 156 00:05:50,333 --> 00:05:52,852 No more sweets for you, 'cause you're never gonna get laid 157 00:05:52,935 --> 00:05:54,654 if you keeps eating sweets! 158 00:05:54,737 --> 00:05:56,690 And another thing! 159 00:05:57,138 --> 00:06:01,059 All these figurines and toys you got around the house, 160 00:06:01,143 --> 00:06:02,595 we're throwing 'em in the trash, 161 00:06:02,678 --> 00:06:04,464 'cause they're not real people, Stimpy. 162 00:06:04,547 --> 00:06:07,667 They're not real people, so stop being so lonely. 163 00:06:07,750 --> 00:06:10,549 Stop being so lonely. 164 00:06:15,758 --> 00:06:19,713 - Well... and this is none of my business, of course, 165 00:06:20,298 --> 00:06:24,928 but I was wondering if your son would like to talk to someone. 166 00:06:26,573 --> 00:06:27,787 [Glass shattering] - Oh, shit! 167 00:06:27,870 --> 00:06:29,189 Stimpy just jumped out the window. 168 00:06:29,272 --> 00:06:31,099 - Oh, my God. - Oh, he killed himself. 169 00:06:31,183 --> 00:06:32,625 Why'd he do it? It must have been my fault. 170 00:06:32,708 --> 00:06:33,893 No, it wasn't. Yes, it was. 171 00:06:33,976 --> 00:06:35,245 I'm gonna call the cops. 172 00:06:35,329 --> 00:06:36,862 Don't you dare cancel that reorder. 173 00:06:36,946 --> 00:06:38,870 It's the only thing I'll have to remember him by. 174 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,144 [Strains, then sighs] 175 00:06:48,375 --> 00:06:50,843 [Soul music] 176 00:06:51,097 --> 00:06:54,214 Hey, you remember the antidrug advertisements? 177 00:06:54,298 --> 00:06:55,056 - Yes. 178 00:06:55,140 --> 00:06:56,948 - This is my favorite antidrug ad. 179 00:06:57,032 --> 00:06:59,425 My favorite antidrug ad was... 180 00:07:00,403 --> 00:07:01,698 "What is this? 181 00:07:02,591 --> 00:07:04,223 What is this, son?" 182 00:07:04,307 --> 00:07:05,692 [Laughter] 183 00:07:05,775 --> 00:07:06,693 You know. 184 00:07:07,097 --> 00:07:08,855 "Found this in your room. 185 00:07:09,282 --> 00:07:10,433 "Marijuana! 186 00:07:12,582 --> 00:07:13,948 Who taught you to do this?" 187 00:07:14,083 --> 00:07:16,894 - "I learned it from watching you, Dad!" 188 00:07:16,978 --> 00:07:21,938 [Cheers and applause] 189 00:07:27,964 --> 00:07:29,949 If you're 14 and you see that, where I'm from, 190 00:07:30,032 --> 00:07:31,851 you go, "That's the coolest dad in the world." 191 00:07:31,934 --> 00:07:34,079 - That's the coolest dad. 192 00:07:34,805 --> 00:07:37,557 [Techno music] 193 00:07:37,640 --> 00:07:39,352 194 00:07:40,676 --> 00:07:42,562 - Nobody likes you, you girl. 195 00:07:42,774 --> 00:07:44,564 - Well, you're a different color than me, 196 00:07:44,647 --> 00:07:45,774 and that's bad. 197 00:07:45,858 --> 00:07:47,967 - Oh, yeah? Well, you dress like... 198 00:07:48,050 --> 00:07:50,103 - Now hold on a second! 199 00:07:50,508 --> 00:07:53,172 Both: Whoa! Mr. T? 200 00:07:53,256 --> 00:07:55,141 - Never make fun of a way a man dresses. 201 00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:57,344 The way a man dresses is his business. 202 00:07:58,180 --> 00:07:59,078 Remember that. 203 00:07:59,281 --> 00:08:01,167 Whether it's overalls, chains, 204 00:08:01,251 --> 00:08:03,316 or feather earrings, however they dress, 205 00:08:03,399 --> 00:08:05,051 it's not to be joked about. 206 00:08:05,212 --> 00:08:08,196 I pity the fool that judges another man's clothing. 207 00:08:10,593 --> 00:08:12,323 - I'm sorry I judged your clothing. 208 00:08:12,407 --> 00:08:13,618 - It's okay. 209 00:08:14,297 --> 00:08:16,068 [Upbeat music] 210 00:08:20,016 --> 00:08:22,502 - Hey, Scout, there's a man over there 211 00:08:22,585 --> 00:08:24,792 who said he'll give us candy if we get in his van. 212 00:08:24,876 --> 00:08:27,173 - Oh, I don't know if that's a good idea, Timmy. 213 00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:29,212 - Aw. What are you afraid of? 214 00:08:29,487 --> 00:08:31,773 Is it because you have a stupid name like Scout? 215 00:08:31,927 --> 00:08:35,813 - Hey! Both: Whoa! Mr. T again. 216 00:08:35,897 --> 00:08:37,583 - Never make fun of a person's name. 217 00:08:37,667 --> 00:08:39,285 Your mama gave you that name, 218 00:08:39,369 --> 00:08:41,622 or you made it up for business purposes. 219 00:08:41,704 --> 00:08:43,352 Either way, it's personal. 220 00:08:43,739 --> 00:08:46,196 I pity the fool that make fun of another man's name. 221 00:08:46,280 --> 00:08:49,434 Mr. T's a cool name. It's a cool name, Mr. T. 222 00:08:50,737 --> 00:08:53,672 [Upbeat music] 223 00:08:55,143 --> 00:08:57,102 - Hey, Scout, want to do some drugs? 224 00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,055 - Aren't drugs bad? 225 00:08:59,515 --> 00:09:00,641 - I don't know. 226 00:09:05,194 --> 00:09:06,587 If you're afraid of drugs, 227 00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,641 we could drink a bunch of alcohol. 228 00:09:09,027 --> 00:09:11,055 - Yum, that sounds good. 229 00:09:17,573 --> 00:09:19,959 - Well, guess what, your hair is stupid. 230 00:09:20,042 --> 00:09:21,798 - Never make fun of another person's hair! 231 00:09:22,415 --> 00:09:24,118 Both: Hey, Mr. T. 232 00:09:24,202 --> 00:09:25,864 - A person's hair is the artwork 233 00:09:25,948 --> 00:09:27,673 that they present to the heavens. 234 00:09:28,050 --> 00:09:29,860 It's just like I've been saying... 235 00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:33,805 [upbeat music] 236 00:09:33,889 --> 00:09:35,074 237 00:09:35,157 --> 00:09:37,477 All: Hair 238 00:09:37,560 --> 00:09:39,512 It isn't fair 239 00:09:39,595 --> 00:09:41,414 240 00:09:41,497 --> 00:09:43,353 Beware 241 00:09:44,712 --> 00:09:46,852 People care about their hair 242 00:09:46,936 --> 00:09:49,756 243 00:09:49,839 --> 00:09:52,925 - "H" is for the home where I lay my head 244 00:09:53,008 --> 00:09:55,094 And I cry about your mean jokes 245 00:09:55,177 --> 00:09:56,763 In my bed 246 00:09:56,846 --> 00:10:00,199 "A" is for anxiety that fools provoke 247 00:10:00,282 --> 00:10:04,270 When they lookin' at my hair and they makin' jokes 248 00:10:04,353 --> 00:10:07,767 "I" is for I don't like the way I feel 249 00:10:07,851 --> 00:10:11,696 When you're jokin' that my haircut does not appeal 250 00:10:11,836 --> 00:10:15,110 "R" is for the real mean jokes you make 251 00:10:15,194 --> 00:10:19,982 And the hurtful little potshots that you take 252 00:10:20,202 --> 00:10:22,955 And, for your information, it's not even a haircut. 253 00:10:23,039 --> 00:10:25,384 It's a rare form of male pattern baldness. 254 00:10:26,248 --> 00:10:27,415 You fools! 255 00:10:33,987 --> 00:10:35,369 [Sobs] 256 00:10:35,944 --> 00:10:37,368 [Yells] 257 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:44,446 For real. 258 00:10:44,530 --> 00:10:47,392 [Upbeat music] 259 00:10:50,966 --> 00:10:52,385 - Dude, I got to tell you something. 260 00:10:52,468 --> 00:10:55,618 - What's up? - Last night on Showtimes, 261 00:10:56,337 --> 00:10:58,925 I saw some Lethal Weapon 2. 262 00:10:59,008 --> 00:11:02,562 - Lethal Weapon 2 starring the racist-ass Melly Gibsons? 263 00:11:02,645 --> 00:11:05,665 - I know, I know, but I got to tell you right up front 264 00:11:05,748 --> 00:11:07,009 and truthfully, 265 00:11:07,862 --> 00:11:11,228 racist-ass Melly Gibsons is still kind of my shit. 266 00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:17,001 He's still my shit, dog. 267 00:11:17,085 --> 00:11:19,177 - I don't know, dog, racist-ass Melly Gibsons? 268 00:11:19,261 --> 00:11:21,013 - Dude, I know, I know, but think about it, man. 269 00:11:21,096 --> 00:11:23,071 Think about it. Remember when he jacked up 270 00:11:23,155 --> 00:11:25,401 all them mutants into road warriors? 271 00:11:25,485 --> 00:11:26,686 Talking about... [imitates tires screeching] 272 00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:28,121 Bitch was like, "There's nothing in here but sand." 273 00:11:28,204 --> 00:11:30,123 - Yeah. - And then remember 274 00:11:30,206 --> 00:11:32,532 when he had taken that hatchet and chopped up 275 00:11:32,616 --> 00:11:35,336 all them Englands, remember, in The Patrlot, 276 00:11:35,420 --> 00:11:37,362 and did it in front of all his kids? 277 00:11:37,446 --> 00:11:40,446 - You know what, though? Oh. 278 00:11:40,798 --> 00:11:43,292 Racist-ass Melly Gibsons is still my shit too. 279 00:11:43,376 --> 00:11:44,472 - Dog. - Remember when racist-ass 280 00:11:44,556 --> 00:11:46,542 Melly Gibsons was Blue Man Group in Bravehearts? 281 00:11:46,626 --> 00:11:48,007 - Oh, my God, dogs. - They was chopping off 282 00:11:48,090 --> 00:11:49,308 my man's head. - [Murmurs] 283 00:11:49,391 --> 00:11:50,810 - My man was still talking about... 284 00:11:50,893 --> 00:11:52,145 both: Freedom! 285 00:11:52,228 --> 00:11:53,525 - [Hisses] 286 00:11:53,779 --> 00:11:55,603 Or what about Consplracy Theorles, though? 287 00:11:55,687 --> 00:11:57,649 - What? Oh, come on, man. - What the fuck 288 00:11:57,733 --> 00:11:59,423 about Consplracy Theorles, though? 289 00:11:59,704 --> 00:12:02,454 What the fuck about Consplracy Theorles, though? 290 00:12:02,538 --> 00:12:04,657 - What is going on? - [Imitates gunshot] 291 00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:06,159 Come on. - You know racist-ass 292 00:12:06,242 --> 00:12:08,161 Melly Gibsons be directing too. - Hells, yeah. 293 00:12:08,244 --> 00:12:11,631 - What about Apocalypto? - Yo, racist-ass Melly Gibsons 294 00:12:11,714 --> 00:12:12,899 be telling the story of a bunch 295 00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:14,867 of crazy-ass, old-fashioned Mexicans? 296 00:12:14,950 --> 00:12:17,511 - Who have been in the jungle getting chased by a panther. 297 00:12:17,595 --> 00:12:19,205 - Yeah, yeah. - My man's straight up going... 298 00:12:19,288 --> 00:12:20,706 [whistling] - [Imitating drums] 299 00:12:20,789 --> 00:12:23,400 [Hissing] - [Screams softly] 300 00:12:23,484 --> 00:12:25,911 And what about that Passlons of the Chrlst, though? 301 00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,046 - Passlons of the Chrlst, though. 302 00:12:27,129 --> 00:12:28,581 Both: Passlons of the Chrlst. 303 00:12:28,665 --> 00:12:30,018 - Where racist-ass Melly Gibsons 304 00:12:30,102 --> 00:12:32,084 made that movie about Jesus in a kind of racist-ass way? 305 00:12:32,167 --> 00:12:33,345 - That was my jams. 306 00:12:33,429 --> 00:12:35,053 - And you know what I just realized, though? 307 00:12:35,137 --> 00:12:36,079 - What's that, dog? What's that? 308 00:12:36,163 --> 00:12:37,103 - You know what would be my shit? 309 00:12:37,187 --> 00:12:38,134 - What would be your shit, though? 310 00:12:38,218 --> 00:12:39,743 - If racist-ass Melly Gibsons 311 00:12:39,827 --> 00:12:42,894 costarred in a movie with Jesus. 312 00:12:42,978 --> 00:12:45,650 - Wait, are you talking about the savior of all? 313 00:12:45,734 --> 00:12:48,333 The king of all kings? The alpha and the omega? 314 00:12:48,417 --> 00:12:50,071 - And Jesus. 315 00:12:50,568 --> 00:12:52,955 Both: That would be my... 316 00:12:53,249 --> 00:12:59,423 Shit 317 00:12:59,507 --> 00:13:02,670 [popping] 318 00:13:05,693 --> 00:13:07,979 [Soul music] 319 00:13:08,053 --> 00:13:10,273 - For this segment, we're not gonna have 320 00:13:10,356 --> 00:13:12,061 a big, huge preamble here. 321 00:13:12,145 --> 00:13:15,326 I just simply want to say that this scene, 322 00:13:16,228 --> 00:13:17,951 this offering, if you will, 323 00:13:19,568 --> 00:13:20,897 is for the ladies. 324 00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,986 [Cheers and applause] 325 00:13:24,365 --> 00:13:25,822 - What up, homies? - Welcome to... 326 00:13:25,905 --> 00:13:27,680 both: Cunnilingus class. - I'm Shaboots Michaels. 327 00:13:27,764 --> 00:13:29,125 - I'm T-Ray Tombstone. 328 00:13:29,208 --> 00:13:30,126 - And we're here to teach y'all how to... 329 00:13:30,209 --> 00:13:31,615 both: Go down on bitches right. 330 00:13:31,699 --> 00:13:33,084 - Now bitches ain't being satisfied, so check it. 331 00:13:33,202 --> 00:13:34,596 - Quit sucking on that clitoris so damn hard. 332 00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:36,466 - Bitches don't like that nonsense. 333 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:38,219 - That's like putting the tip of your penis in the vacuum. 334 00:13:38,303 --> 00:13:40,970 - Y'all need to... both: Chill on the clitoris. 335 00:13:41,053 --> 00:13:42,939 - Go around that business. - That's like a button 336 00:13:43,022 --> 00:13:44,440 made of a million penis tops. 337 00:13:44,523 --> 00:13:46,109 - Now every bitch like her cunnilingus 338 00:13:46,192 --> 00:13:48,311 a little bit different. - Vaginas are like snowflakes. 339 00:13:48,394 --> 00:13:50,480 - Snowflakes is different. Learn your bitch's snowflake. 340 00:13:50,563 --> 00:13:51,981 - Ask your bitch what she wants. 341 00:13:52,064 --> 00:13:53,805 Both: Then do what she says. 342 00:13:53,889 --> 00:13:55,133 - Some bitches like it in circles. 343 00:13:55,216 --> 00:13:56,420 - Some bitches like it up and down. 344 00:13:56,504 --> 00:13:58,121 - Some bitches like it hard. - Some bitches like it soft. 345 00:13:58,204 --> 00:14:00,797 Both: Communicate with your bitches. 346 00:14:00,881 --> 00:14:01,991 - Make the alphabet with your tongue. 347 00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:04,398 - A-B-C-D... 348 00:14:04,482 --> 00:14:05,570 - And when she grab your hair 349 00:14:05,654 --> 00:14:07,130 like she gonna pull your damn head off... 350 00:14:07,213 --> 00:14:08,938 both: Stay with that letter. 351 00:14:09,022 --> 00:14:11,467 - I'm talking about B... [blathers] 352 00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,476 - Or D... [blathers] 353 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:15,484 Both: Vaginas deserve respect. 354 00:14:15,568 --> 00:14:16,939 - You don't want someone slapping around 355 00:14:17,022 --> 00:14:19,609 your little homey. [Yelping] 356 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,086 - You with the hat. - Yo. 357 00:14:21,170 --> 00:14:22,410 - How you like your BJs? 358 00:14:22,494 --> 00:14:25,081 - Damn, dog, all the time. 359 00:14:25,164 --> 00:14:26,623 - Shut the fuck up! 360 00:14:26,707 --> 00:14:28,109 - That's 'cause penises is easy. 361 00:14:28,193 --> 00:14:29,352 - And vaginas is hard. 362 00:14:29,435 --> 00:14:31,721 They're... both: Confusing! 363 00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:34,223 - Imagine there's an explosion at the envelope factory. 364 00:14:34,306 --> 00:14:35,891 - Flaps everywhere. A world of flaps. 365 00:14:35,974 --> 00:14:38,060 - And you need to lick your way out the factory. 366 00:14:38,143 --> 00:14:39,762 - But every bitch's flaps is different. 367 00:14:39,845 --> 00:14:41,326 - Learn your bitch's particular flaps. 368 00:14:41,410 --> 00:14:43,863 - Flaps be... both: Crazy! 369 00:14:43,947 --> 00:14:45,553 - Every flap need to be listened to. 370 00:14:45,637 --> 00:14:47,068 - And then you will get out of that factory alive. 371 00:14:47,152 --> 00:14:48,436 - Stay down there. 372 00:14:48,520 --> 00:14:51,072 Both: Plan your breathing like you're swimming. 373 00:14:51,156 --> 00:14:53,175 - You gotta be talking about... both: Stroke, stroke, breathe. 374 00:14:53,258 --> 00:14:55,951 Stroke, stroke, breathe. [Gasping] 375 00:14:56,035 --> 00:14:57,278 - All right. Let's take a five-minute break. 376 00:14:57,362 --> 00:14:58,654 - And when we come back, we gonna talk 377 00:14:58,738 --> 00:14:59,920 about warming your bitches up before you get busy. 378 00:15:00,004 --> 00:15:02,014 - And how to last for more than two damn minutes. 379 00:15:02,098 --> 00:15:03,650 - Take a peach and practice. - Practice on a peach. 380 00:15:03,734 --> 00:15:05,217 - Take a peach and practice. - Practice on a peach. 381 00:15:05,301 --> 00:15:07,420 - Take a peach and practice. - Practice on a peach. 382 00:15:10,542 --> 00:15:12,053 - [Sighs] 383 00:15:17,522 --> 00:15:20,442 - Well, I think it's gonna work. 384 00:15:20,619 --> 00:15:23,939 - 30 down, 3 billion to go. 385 00:15:24,022 --> 00:15:28,713 [Maniacal laughter] 386 00:15:30,329 --> 00:15:34,116 [Upbeat music] 387 00:15:34,199 --> 00:15:35,718 - Welcome to Metta World News. 388 00:15:35,908 --> 00:15:38,621 Our top story... ninja costumes don't come 389 00:15:38,704 --> 00:15:41,387 in size triple-X, which is discriminatory 390 00:15:41,471 --> 00:15:43,502 against enormous assassins. 391 00:15:44,237 --> 00:15:47,323 Do you know what? Forget about the teleprompter. 392 00:15:47,718 --> 00:15:49,377 I need to speak from the heart. 393 00:15:50,424 --> 00:15:52,233 Well, that wraps up Metta World News 394 00:15:52,317 --> 00:15:54,237 for this Wednesday, May staple gun hairbrush. 395 00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,823 I'm Metta World Peace. Good night. 396 00:16:00,738 --> 00:16:03,091 [Soul music] 397 00:16:03,262 --> 00:16:04,854 - I've made this mistake in the past. 398 00:16:04,938 --> 00:16:08,760 If there's any question whether a woman's pregnant or not, 399 00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:11,830 just don't say shit about it. 400 00:16:11,914 --> 00:16:13,732 This is what happened to me. Just be the woman. 401 00:16:13,971 --> 00:16:15,490 - [Hums] Hey, Jordan. 402 00:16:15,574 --> 00:16:17,393 - I said, "Oh, congratulations." 403 00:16:17,604 --> 00:16:19,135 - Congratulations for what? 404 00:16:19,219 --> 00:16:21,580 - [Laughs] 405 00:16:21,664 --> 00:16:23,838 [Laughter] 406 00:16:23,922 --> 00:16:25,541 Hoo-hoo. 407 00:16:26,917 --> 00:16:28,455 And now I'm at the point where, I don't care 408 00:16:28,539 --> 00:16:29,763 how many signals I get, 409 00:16:29,847 --> 00:16:32,200 I just won't even say anything. 410 00:16:32,291 --> 00:16:33,889 - [Breathing heavily] 411 00:16:34,420 --> 00:16:36,499 - Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm with you. 412 00:16:36,583 --> 00:16:38,446 [Laughter] 413 00:16:38,530 --> 00:16:41,617 - It's contractions now. - Yeah, I got some gas myself. 414 00:16:41,699 --> 00:16:43,952 [Laughter] 415 00:16:44,036 --> 00:16:47,006 Oh, God. Oh, jeez. - I'm gonna sit down with you. 416 00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,190 - Oh! - I'm gonna sit down with you. 417 00:16:49,274 --> 00:16:51,926 - [Yelling] - Me and you are... 418 00:16:52,010 --> 00:16:53,696 Oh, that is... - [imitating baby crying] 419 00:16:53,779 --> 00:16:55,897 Looks like, but I can't be sure... 420 00:16:55,981 --> 00:16:57,800 I can't be sure. 421 00:16:57,887 --> 00:16:59,138 - Mwah. 422 00:16:59,222 --> 00:17:00,842 - Okay, that's clearly a child. 423 00:17:00,926 --> 00:17:02,470 Congratulations on your pregnancy. 424 00:17:02,554 --> 00:17:04,473 - I'm not pregnant. - What the... 425 00:17:04,556 --> 00:17:06,275 [laughter] 426 00:17:06,358 --> 00:17:07,376 [Cheers and applause] 427 00:17:07,459 --> 00:17:09,211 - All right. Thank you, sir. 428 00:17:09,294 --> 00:17:11,280 All right. 429 00:17:11,497 --> 00:17:14,449 All right, how's everybody... how's everybody doing? 430 00:17:14,533 --> 00:17:15,651 [Cheers] 431 00:17:15,734 --> 00:17:16,952 All right, and you guys 432 00:17:17,035 --> 00:17:18,587 can all hear me okay? All: Yeah. 433 00:17:18,670 --> 00:17:19,989 - I know this guy can right here. 434 00:17:20,072 --> 00:17:21,624 Boy, this guy's ears are so big, 435 00:17:21,707 --> 00:17:23,092 he's laughing at jokes from the yuk-yuk club 436 00:17:23,175 --> 00:17:24,427 all the way on the other side of town. 437 00:17:24,510 --> 00:17:25,828 [Laughter] 438 00:17:25,911 --> 00:17:26,999 All right. Hey. 439 00:17:27,083 --> 00:17:28,830 And you, sir, you're doing okay? 440 00:17:28,914 --> 00:17:30,413 And you're getting enough to eat? 441 00:17:30,497 --> 00:17:31,715 Is that even possible? 442 00:17:31,799 --> 00:17:33,351 [Laughter] 443 00:17:33,536 --> 00:17:34,483 Thank you, sir. 444 00:17:34,589 --> 00:17:35,607 Folks, I'm sorry, 445 00:17:35,691 --> 00:17:37,271 I'm gonna get everybody tonight. 446 00:17:37,355 --> 00:17:39,307 Nobody is safe. I'm getting everybody. 447 00:17:39,391 --> 00:17:41,061 Except for you, sir. I'm gonna leave you alone. 448 00:17:41,260 --> 00:17:43,803 Just like your date did tonight. Hello! 449 00:17:43,887 --> 00:17:45,633 Huh? All right. 450 00:17:45,717 --> 00:17:47,572 Okay, who's next? 451 00:17:47,656 --> 00:17:49,783 Who is next? 452 00:17:55,467 --> 00:17:58,961 Hey, ma'am, I get it, you have breasts, okay? 453 00:17:59,044 --> 00:18:00,796 Jeez, I mean, look at this chick over here. 454 00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:02,465 Her cleavage is giving the Grand Canyon 455 00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:04,265 an inferiority complex. 456 00:18:04,349 --> 00:18:07,136 [Laughter] 457 00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:10,106 - [Computerized voice] You skipped me. 458 00:18:10,530 --> 00:18:11,774 - Who's talking right now? 459 00:18:12,420 --> 00:18:13,809 - Do me. 460 00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:15,978 - Yeah, hey, man. 461 00:18:16,061 --> 00:18:18,481 Look at that pink shirt you got on there. 462 00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:22,209 Wow, where'd you get that, queertshirts.com? 463 00:18:23,070 --> 00:18:26,905 - It's in support of breast cancer awareness. 464 00:18:27,307 --> 00:18:29,147 I am gay, though. 465 00:18:30,075 --> 00:18:30,858 - Okay. 466 00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:31,960 - Go for it. 467 00:18:32,483 --> 00:18:34,530 I can take it. 468 00:18:34,678 --> 00:18:37,466 - Hmm? Oh, yeah, yeah. 469 00:18:37,549 --> 00:18:40,100 No, hey, yeah, don't you worry about that, man. 470 00:18:40,184 --> 00:18:41,570 Gloves are coming off. 471 00:18:42,147 --> 00:18:43,155 Okay. 472 00:18:45,491 --> 00:18:48,043 Right there, right there, what's with the three drinks, man? 473 00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:49,678 Alcoholic much? 474 00:18:50,733 --> 00:18:53,165 - This is my pain medication. 475 00:18:53,249 --> 00:18:55,151 - Of fucking course it is. 476 00:18:55,234 --> 00:18:56,514 It's your pain medication. 477 00:18:56,883 --> 00:18:59,374 'Cause he is in pain... 478 00:19:02,255 --> 00:19:03,108 Right now. 479 00:19:03,192 --> 00:19:04,492 - Make fun of the burns. 480 00:19:04,576 --> 00:19:05,749 - [Exhales] 481 00:19:07,625 --> 00:19:09,592 Make fun of the... What did you say? 482 00:19:09,837 --> 00:19:13,538 Because here's the problem, sir, is it's really dark in here, 483 00:19:13,622 --> 00:19:16,237 and... sorry, are you burned? Because I can't make it out. 484 00:19:16,321 --> 00:19:17,840 Thanks so much, ma'am, for illuminating him. 485 00:19:17,923 --> 00:19:20,374 Thank you. That's... I appreciate that. 486 00:19:20,926 --> 00:19:23,399 Oh, those burns. 487 00:19:23,483 --> 00:19:25,114 - Make fun of the robot voice. 488 00:19:25,197 --> 00:19:27,215 - Sir, I don't know. 489 00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,717 - Come on, I can take it. 490 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,452 - Okay, well, no, you know what? 491 00:19:30,536 --> 00:19:32,221 I feel... - Or the wheelchair. 492 00:19:32,304 --> 00:19:35,290 - Look, sir, there is nothing funny 493 00:19:35,374 --> 00:19:37,593 about you being in a wheelchair, and we can all... 494 00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:41,288 - Oh, but there is something funny about me being fat? 495 00:19:41,479 --> 00:19:42,864 - All right. All right, fine. 496 00:19:42,948 --> 00:19:44,366 Fine. I've got it. I've got it. 497 00:19:44,449 --> 00:19:45,768 I'm doing it. I'm doing it. 498 00:19:45,851 --> 00:19:47,403 I just didn't want to go after this guy 499 00:19:47,486 --> 00:19:49,584 'cause I didn't want him to kill me in my dreams. 500 00:19:52,038 --> 00:19:53,442 Like Freddy Krueger. 501 00:19:53,525 --> 00:19:54,743 [Exclamations] 502 00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:56,078 - Oh, come on. 503 00:19:56,592 --> 00:19:58,147 - 'Cause... no? 504 00:19:58,545 --> 00:20:00,649 You know, 'cause you know how Freddy Krueger's face 505 00:20:00,732 --> 00:20:01,784 is burned off. 506 00:20:02,471 --> 00:20:03,463 That's not... 507 00:20:05,320 --> 00:20:07,854 - [sobs] 508 00:20:13,658 --> 00:20:16,231 - You asshole. 509 00:20:16,791 --> 00:20:19,335 - He said he could take it. That's what he said. 510 00:20:19,418 --> 00:20:21,637 - I thought I could, but I can't. 511 00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:23,072 - How is this on me? 512 00:20:23,156 --> 00:20:25,506 How do we even know if he's crying right now? 513 00:20:25,590 --> 00:20:28,477 [All booing] 514 00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:30,346 I don't know that sound. 515 00:20:30,429 --> 00:20:32,541 It just sounds like an electronic sound. 516 00:20:32,625 --> 00:20:36,369 - The tears, they burn. 517 00:20:36,668 --> 00:20:39,088 - He said he could take it. He s... 518 00:20:39,171 --> 00:20:40,756 [glass breaks] 519 00:20:40,839 --> 00:20:43,103 [Cheers and applause] 520 00:20:45,110 --> 00:20:46,947 Gentlemen, it's time for you to go home 521 00:20:47,483 --> 00:20:48,541 and practice on a peach. 522 00:20:48,625 --> 00:20:49,843 - Take a peach and practice. 523 00:20:49,927 --> 00:20:51,412 Both: Take a peach and practice. 524 00:20:51,496 --> 00:20:54,183 - There you go. - Take a peach and practice. 525 00:20:54,267 --> 00:20:57,720 [Cheers and applause] 526 00:20:57,804 --> 00:21:00,847 - I'm gonna do my one line here 527 00:21:00,931 --> 00:21:02,922 - Oh, yeah. 528 00:21:04,814 --> 00:21:07,666 - Batman, Batman, what it is, what it is? 529 00:21:07,750 --> 00:21:09,768 [Cheers and applause] 530 00:21:10,158 --> 00:21:11,479 - [Raspy] It's really bat-good to meet you. 531 00:21:11,563 --> 00:21:12,481 - Aw, that's adorable. 532 00:21:12,565 --> 00:21:13,619 - [Groaning] 533 00:21:13,885 --> 00:21:15,274 - Take it, take it. 534 00:21:15,357 --> 00:21:16,775 Take it. 535 00:21:17,134 --> 00:21:19,843 Come on, bubba, take it. 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