Original subtitles

- [Inhales] Ripped By mstoll

[Exhales]

- Hey, you know what?

Let me hit that.

- Really? - I can handle it.

- I am certain that you cannot.

- Nah, come on, I smoked a ton of weed in the '90s.

- Right, the '90s.

Um, you know, weed has gotten a lot stronger since then.

- You honestly think it's gotten so much stronger

that I just flat-out can't handle it?

You think I'm such a lightweight,

that if I take one puff...

- Keegan, you already took a puff an hour ago.

We've had the same conversation 15 times in a row.

Yeah.

[Flicks lighter]

[Inhales]

- Hey, you know what? Let me hit that.

- Really?

[Soul music]

Resync BluRay by LeRalouf

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

- Thank you so much for coming out.

I am Keegan-Michael Key. - I'm Jordan Peele.

- And we are Key and Peele. - Yes, we are.

- So thank you for coming.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

- We wanna talk about the ladies for a second.

- We wanna talk about them and to them.

- Hey. - Hey!

[Laughter]

Guys, have you ever just woken up in trouble somehow?

Like, "How did I get in trouble during an unconscious state?"

- You just walk... sometimes, you'll just walk

into the kitchen in the morning,

just be like, "Hey, what's going on?

You look nice." - Yeah.

What does that mean?

- You look nice, Meegan. I'm saying you look nice.

- What, was I fucking ugly yesterday?

- No, I'm saying you look good today.

That's all I'm saying!

- So what am I gonna look like tomorrow?

A monster? - No... What? No.

I'm just saying you're probably gonna look great tomorrow too.

- Probably? What the hell is "probably"?

- I don't...

- I mean, you're sure I'm beautiful, or you're not.

- I am... I'm sure that you're fucking beautiful.

- You don't sound sure.

- I said "fucking." What more... How more serious can I be?

- Oh. Oh, nice.

That's your answer for everything, isn't it?

Isn't it? Sex? - What?

I didn't say anything about sex!

- You didn't have to.

[Jazz music]

[clears throat]

- Oh, honey, I am tired.

I am going to bed. Good night.

- Uh, well...

[laughs]

- Is everything okay?

- Well, it's, uh...

It's just that I was hoping that...

well, that we could...

and I-I wanna make this clear.

I want to be straightforward.

I want to have...

- Okay. Uh, Luther?

Are you available to translate?

- Yes, ma'am.

[Clears throat]

- I really was hoping we could spend some time together.

- When was the last time we had sex, woman?

Reelection night?

What does a brother not named Bill Clinton

have to do to get some pussy in this house?

- Well, you have been very busy lately.

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You know what?

If I could j... Can we get your translator?

- Oh, yes, certainly. Uh, Katendra?

- Yeah, honey?

- Could you please translate

"well, you have been very busy lately"?

- Sure.

My pussy ain't one of your limousines

that you can jump in and out of

whenever you feel like.

I don't see you all day,

then you want a booty call?

I need an emotional connection, nigga.

- Thought this was romantic.

- I'm fucking trying, bitch! Can't you see?

I'm playing the romantic music.

I got the Pinot in the glasses.

What more do you want from me?

An engraved invitation from my nuts?

- Maybe we should make a date.

- What am I supposed to do,

jump out of my clothes every time

little Barry stands at attention?

You ain't my commander in chief, motherfucker,

and my vagina ain't some cave in the Middle East

you can fly your heat-seeking missile into

whenever you feel like it.

- Well, I did mean to call you,

but I had meetings all day long.

- I'm dealing with these motherfucking Republicans,

hearing "no, no, no" all day long.

Then I come home, and you're not gonna let me

get my jam on up in here?

- Well, you know, I have had a busy day too.

- You act like I ain't got nothing else to do, nigga.

I got these obese motherfuckers on my ass 24/7.

What's more important... you getting your wick dipped

or some eight-year-old fat-ass collapsing in his bunk bed?

- Okay.

- You seem to be forgetting job number one.

You are my secretary of pussy, bitch!

Get to work!

- You. [Chuckles]

[Moaning]

- Luther? Katendra? - Yes, sir.

- We'll... we'll take it from here.

- Absolutely, yes, sir. - Yes, ma'am.

- Thank you. - Good night. Good night, ma'am.

- [Laughs]

- Come here. - [Chuckles]

Oh, this feels good.

- Um, Mom? Dad?

I know you already said that I can't go,

but can I please go to the party tonight?

- Malia, use your translator.

- If you don't let me go to this party,

I will get a tattoo

on my face.

- Have fun.

[Soul music]

- The Second Amendment of the Constitution states

that a well-regulated militia, being necessary

for the security of a free state,

the right of the people to keep and bear arms

shall not be infringed.

- Hear, hear. - Yes.

- Please, gentlemen, we need all of your signatures.

- Gentlemen.

A point of order.

What if someone made a gun

that could shoot, say,

50 people in 30 seconds?

[Laughter]

- Congressman Peele, we have many orders of business today,

one of which is not judging your sense of humor,

prodigious as it may be.

[Laughter]

- Then one man

would be able to walk into a crowded area

and kill scores upon scores of people

before anyone would have a chance to stop him.

- Congressman Peele,

where are you getting these harebrained ideas?

How could you possibly know what the future holds?

[Dramatic music]

- Because I am from the future.

I know what this amendment will bring,

and I cannot let any of you sign it.

[Gunfire] [Screaming]

[sighs]

I did it.

- Did you see the... the muskets he had?

- Magnificent.

Hand me the quill, so I can draw them before I forget.

- Damn it.

- Um, any basketball fans in the house tonight?

[Cheers and applause]

This is Los Angeles, home of the Lakers,

home of the Clippers.

- Basketball is mesmerizing to us

because it... besides... except for soldiers,

athletes are like the toughest dudes we have.

- Exactly. - Right?

They're just big, tough,

you know, masculine, physical dudes.

Why they always be flopping?

- You'll see dudes not anywhere near another guy flopping.

- Yeah. - You'll see a dude coming down.

My man's like pop, pop, pop, pop.

He's coming down the court. He's like...

- Dude over here, blocking him.

- [Mutters]

- Oh, see, now... - Come on... come on, man.

- This dude. Oh.

- Me?

[Screams]

Me?

Oh, no, but no. But, ref, but how?

That's against physics, y'all. That's against physics.

- This dude's getting a free throw shot.

I'm gonna take my foul shot right here.

- Ooh. - No. No.

I didn't do nothing. - Oh, no!

- Still scoreless with only a few moments remaining.

Travino passes to Federnoir.

Slide tackle by Gozurp.

Clearly a flop there. No contact made.

[Operatic music]

[whistle blows]

[heart beating]

[Heart stops beating]

[cheers and applause]

It all comes down to this as the Power Falcons

prepare to take the free kick.

This is the last chance to win the game.

These are the dying seconds of the match.

And what is this? Can you believe it?

Federnoir is back on the pitch.

He's alive, and he's taking the free kick.

He shoots. He scores. Oh, my!

So many rules clearly broken leading up to that goal,

but they've allowed it.

Power Falcons win this match!

[Soul music]

- You ever at a party,

and people are just having a conversation

that's just impossible to break into?

- Yes, yeah, yeah, yes.

- Sometimes breaking into a conversation, it's difficult,

like getting into a double Dutch jump rope session.

- Yeah, exactly. - You know what I mean?

You gotta pick the right spot.

- Or people will look at you weird, just like...

I think the Oakland Raiders

Might be good this year

This might be the year, they got a new dude

He's playing quarterback

And he's the one that I think

Could bring them back

- We'll wait for it.

- We are the team to beat in the AFC

Forget San Diego, the Chargers are the worst

- I don't watch football I don't watch football

I am more of a basketball...

Oh, my God. Oh!

[Groans]

[All moaning]

Oh! [Laughs]

Hi.

I wasn't expecting to see you

all undulating up here.

I-I just put my jacket on the bed

when I first came to the party,

but I didn't realize that the party

made its way up here.

But I'll get that now.

I will, if you...

Carol, I don't know if you're in there somewhere,

but wherever you are,

thank you for the invitation.

I really enjoyed myself.

I'll see you at work tomorrow.

Okay, hey, sir, I think I see my jacket.

I think... I think your arm is in the sleeve, actually.

I'll grab... That's not my jacket, and that's not your arm.

It's not your arm. White people are crazy.

White people are crazy. Just looking for a jacket.

Sir, okay, yes, very nice mustache.

I've never seen one above the nose.

That's interesting. That's not your nose.

Okay. Sorry to disturb you, sir.

Just looking for a jacket,

just an ordinary man looking for a jacket.

You wanna say something to me, sir?

Are you try... Oh, wait a minute.

Mm-mm. No, thank you very much, sir.

It tasted a little bit like salty butthole, but that's okay.

It's tweed, the jacket I'm talking about,

and it's got leather patches on it.

Just... Oh, maybe this is it.

Thank you, found it, and... Nope, that's not it,

but congratulations, ma'am.

You are doing great with what God gave you.

Nope, don't look at me in the eyes, ma'am.

I don't want you to steal my soul.

Hi, ladies. Very nice to meet you.

And, sir, yes, I do see you too.

Okay, yes. White people are crazy.

Oh, no, I'm... I'm okay. I really am.

I'm already seeing a-a group of people,

and we're taking it slowly.

We are taking it slowly. It's a church.

Maybe some of y'all would be interested

in looking into that.

Not mine, but one somewhere, if that's...

Okay, thank you, ma'am, for...

There it is. I found it.

Found the jacket. It's right here.

I'ma pull it, and I believe

it might be lost somewhere within you.

I'm just guessing because that

is just a little bit of resistance.

All right, there we go.

And you know what? That is going to be yours.

Keep it, thank you. Cover yourself up.

Carol, if you're in there, I'll see you at the office tomorrow.

Just bring the bowl. You can finish the egg salad.

My God, white people crazy.

[Upbeat music]

- Welcome to Metta World News.

I wish

there was a genie in here.

Well, that wraps up Metta World News

for this Wednesday, March hybrid ice rink.

I'm Metta World Peace. Good night.

Hey, Jim, where's that genie?

[Soul music]

- The spoiler alert started in a...

you know, pretty... you know, not long ago.

But now everybody's talking about spoiler alerts

all the time.

We hate spoiler alerts,

and the thing is do not tell me

that you're not gonna ruin the movie for me.

By you saying "I'm not gonna ruin it,"

you're already ruining it.

I know something special's gonna happen.

- I know there's a twist.

I know there's a twist, so just shut your mouth,

say, "Yeah, movie was good,

pretty straightforward beginning to end."

- And I've been guilty of it 'cause, you know,

I'm the one... I'm the person who'll be like,

"Have you seen... Did you see"...

- No, don't. Dude, don't do it.

See, now I know something's up.

- It's not... but listen, I just wanna tell you this one thing.

It's... I swear, it's not gonna ruin the movie.

- 'Cause now I'm already thinking

what could possibly happen with this.

- It's not... Okay, listen, I'm... All right.

You know what? No, it's good.

It's... I'm just... - No, no, okay.

All right, just... If you can promise you're going to tell me

something that won't give anything away...

- Yes, this is... It's not...

This is not integral to the story, okay?

Bruce Willis is a ghost. - Fuck you.

[Laughter and applause]

- Johnny.

Okay, Carter.

I can stay here all night.

So why don't you and I cut the crap,

and you tell me what happened on March 15th?

- And what's in it for Carter Finley?

- What's in it for you

is I don't send you back to jail.

[Dramatic music]

- [sighs]

The guy's name is Cat Branchman.

I met him downtown at a club called The Clutching Kitten.

You may have heard of it.

It's down on the corner of Hang and Fur Street.

- Cat Branchman.

So what's a guy like you

and a guy named Cat...

[sighs]

Okay.

I know what you're doing, Finley.

You're just using what you see in my poster.

- I'm not, detective.

I'm telling the truth.

- We'll see how much truth you tell

after a few weeks in solitary confine...

- Fine, detective.

You've twisted my arm. - That's better.

- The guy's name wasn't Cat Branchman.

- Thank you.

- It was a Chinese guy named Mr. Meow.

- Oh, my God. - He's the real gang boss.

Story went he hung guys from trees

and took pictures of them. - Finley.

- Used to run a club downtown...

a front, of course... called it The Paw and Poster.

- Finley.

- Ran it with a guy named Hong In Thar.

- Okay.

Let's try this one more time.

Finley, who do you work for?

- Um...

Coffee.

Mr. Coffee Coop.

- You... Coffee Coop?

- His name was Baldy Tall Man Coffee Coop.

- [Sighs] Now you're just talking about me.

Finley, I'm gonna give you one more chance.

Who is in charge?

- His name was Angry Man.

- [Sighs]

- The warehouse is located

in the diploma for being a detective.

- I want a name. - Justin.

- Thank you.

- Hangtree... - Don't say "hang."

God damn it, do not say "hang."

- Hang... - Nope.

- Hangman Justin Cats... - Finley.

- Poster.

- Do not say "poster" or "cat."

- Cat poster. - Okay, that's it.

I'm losing my patience.

Winslow, get this moron out of here.

- I...

[dramatic music]

- I'm losing my patience.

Let's try this one more time.

I'm getting too old for this shit.

- Well played, detective.

Well played, indeed.

- Hey, Carter.

You hang in there.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you so much for coming out tonight, everybody.

Thank you. Good night.

No, no. No.

What, me?

- I'm gonna do my one line here

- Oh, yeah.

- Whenever I stayed home from school,

I'd always get caught just doing

some stupid shit in my room.

And she'd come home early.

- Oh, so we're feeling better?

- Oh, Mom, shit! I'm naked!

What?

- I thought you said you were sick

when I left this morning to go to work.

- I am sick in the head. Ripped By mstoll

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