Original subtitles

- Welcome back.

We're here talking with all-star shooting guard Charlie Sanders

about his amazing career.

Now, Charlie, you grew up

in a tough neighborhood, didn't you?

- That's right. Drugs, violence. Ripped By mstoll

My whole life, I had to deal with adversity.

- And that continued when you went on to the pros?

- That's right.

You know, fines, injuries, everything.

No matter how big a star I am,

I'm always gonna be dealing with adversity.

- Adversity Johnson, what's your take on this?

- I don't know, girl. I just like fucking with him.

Just like, eh. - Ah!

Come on, Adversity.

- Deal with me, dog! [Laughs]

[Loud slap] - [Groans]

- [Laughs maniacally]

I said, "Deal with me!"

- Always.

Wherever we go, it's...

Come on, no, don't. Don't drink my water.

Don't drink my water. Adversity, leave me some.

Leave me a sip. Leave me a sip.

Damn, come on, man.

[Loud slap] Aah!

- Deal with me! [Laughs]

- This... he doesn't... I'm sorry.

No, he doesn't pick up social cues.

What? Here we...

[both scream]

- Deal with me! - Titty twister, titty twister.

Come on. - Are you okay?

- No!

[Soul music]

Resync BluRay by LeRalouf

- Oh!

Hey!

Whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo, whoo!

[Crowd barks]

- Don't start that. That won't stop.

They will do that every time.

- Good evening, everybody. I'm Keegan-Michael Key.

- I'm Jordan Peele. - And we are Key and Peele.

[Cheers and applause]

- We do shows every now and then where we travel a little bit.

And so, when we were in the airport...

- I just wanna get there. - You get so worked up.

- I just don't want there to be anything

to get in the way of me getting on the flight.

- You get impatient in the lines.

- I do get impatient in the lines sometimes, yeah.

- He hates it when dudes are, like, indecisive

next to him about where they are in the line.

Talking about...

[laughter]

- [Laughs]

- What are you doing right now?

- I'm sorry, I can't hear what...

What'd you say? - Are you in line, sir?

- Oh, I was gonna ask you the same thing.

- Yeah, I'm definitely in line.

- Yeah, yeah, me too. I'm in line with you.

- No, no. - I'm in line with you.

- No, sir, you are perpendicular to the line.

- We going that way. We going that way.

- We're definitely going this way.

The plane's gonna be this way. - Yeah.

- So if you face this way, you're gonna be out of luck.

- Nah, I crab-walk. I crab-walk.

That's me.

- Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

We are about to begin boarding

South Northern Airlines flight 34 to Grand Rapids.

- Okay, excuse me. Boarding group one.

I'm in boarding group one. Excuse me.

I'm in boarding group one.

- And we would like to begin pre-boarding

with our first-class passengers.

First-class passengers only, please.

Next, our business-class passengers may now board.

Okay, now we would like to welcome

our Regal Alliance Elite members.

Regal Alliance Elite members.

Okay, now all passengers with children.

- Okay.

- Anyone with small children, you may board now.

[Child fussing]

Okay, we would like to continue boarding

with uniformed military personnel.

- What? Why can't...

This is... Thank you for your service.

Thank you so much for your service.

God bless you.

- Thank you for your service.

Thank you for your service.

All right, people in wheelchairs.

Any priests, nuns, rabbis, imams.

- What? Why do they get special treatment?

- As-salaam alaikum.

- I've never...

That's typical.

- Any old people in wheelchairs with babies?

[Baby cries]

Any old, religious people with military babies?

- What's a military...

- Thank you for your service.

Jason Schwartzman.

Anyone with a blue suitcase, you may now board.

- Finally.

- No, not you, sir. - Not me?

This is a blue suitcase. - That's a blue computer bag.

- So you're not... You're not gonna let me on then?

- [Sips loudly]

- Damn it!

Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

God damn it!

- Anyone who doesn't seem cranky.

Drunk people.

We will now be boarding any drunk people.

Drunk people may board.

- [Grunts]

All right, it's...

No, it's my bag.

Sir, just...

[groans]

Just...

[phone rings] - Ooh.

Hello?

Oh, hey, Christian.

Yeah. Totally.

Well, you have your favorites, and I have my favorites.

[Laughs] Okay.

Call you later.

Ciao, ciao. [Hangs up receiver]

Boarding group one.

[Dramatic music]

- Has anybody seen Jason Schwartzman?

- Jason Schwartzman!

- Stick up your hand! Gotta find him. Jason!

- Jason Schwartzman!

- I got him!

I got Schwartzman here!

- Everyone, Jason Schwartzman's fine!

[All cheering]

- I got Jason Schwartzman. Let's wrap it up, people.

- Boarding group one over here!

Got a boarding group one. [Groans]

- You know, everybody's had this happen to you,

where somebody's telling you a story,

and halfway through the story, you realize

they're telling you the story you told them three weeks ago?

- It's maddening.

- Dude just come up to you, talking about,

hey, man, y'all see,

I was walking down the street, right?

- Uh-huh? - And this bird...

- Yeah. - Flew up...

- Yep? - Hit my shoulder...

- Yup, yup. - That shit died on impact.

- Was that bird a sparrow?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Did that happen on Santa Monica Boulevard?

- Yes. - Right off of Las Palmas?

- How you know that, man? I told you this story?

- No, because I told you this story literally a day ago.

- I tell you about this other thing

that happened to me, though?

- I didn't, but I can't wait to hear it.

- Walking down the street, man,

I just felt a drop on my bald head.

[Laughter]

[Electronic music]

- Nooice! [All cheering]

Nooice!

[All cheering]

Nooice!

- Nooice!

[All cheering]

- Nooice! - Nooice!

- [Laughs]

[Dramatic music]

- 'Scuse me, 'scuse me. 'Scuse me.

'Scuse me. 'Scuse me, 'scuse me.

'Scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.

- What's up? What's up, boo?

- What you doing? - I'm just nooicing the nooice!

- Well, don't.

It's mostly about the dancers.

- Oh, yeah.

- Besides, you know,

I'm kind of the guy that says "nooice!"

- Nooice! - What happened?

- Nothing happened, I just nooiced you

because of you standing up for yourself

and your place in this dance circle.

- No, no. No "nooice," okay?

"Nooice" is my thing.

No more "nooice" from you.

'Scuse me, 'scuse me, 'scuse me.

[Dramatic music]

[Electronic music]

Aw, nooice!

[All cheering]

Nooice?

Nooice?

[Sweeping dramatic music]

[exhales]

Nooice!

[Panicked] Nooice!

Nooice! Nooice!

Nooice! Nooice!

Nooice!

[Thunder]

Nooice.

[Dramatic music]

- Nooice.

- Nooice.

- You... Nooice?

- [Crying] Nooice.

- [Exhales]

Nooice.

- Nooice.

- Nooice!

[Cries] - Nooice.

Nooice. - Nooice.

- Nooice!

Both: Nooice!

- Nooice! - Nooice!

This is the fight everybody's been waiting for,

but when I get Andre in the ring, man,

it's gonna be cruel and quick,

'cause it's gonna be like, one-two, one-two, boom,

and you out.

- Man, fuck you, Claudius Lewis.

I'm gonna fuck you right in the ass.

Yeah, I'm gonna bend you over

and fuck you right in the asshole.

- All right, you know what?

Andre, he like to be...

try to get into his opponents' heads

by saying crazy stuff.

He ain't gonna get into my head. He ain't gonna get into my head.

- No, I'm not gonna get in your head.

I'm gonna get in your asshole,

just like I said, just right up in there

in that tiny, little, miniscule asshole of yours.

This is what's gonna happen.

I'm gonna take you to a nice,

high-fancy, highfalutin restaurant,

and I'm gonna buy you things, wine and dine you.

And we're gonna find some things that we have in common,

and they're gonna become inside jokes to us.

And then, we're just gonna laugh about them in the taxi

all the way to your house,

where I'm gonna fuck you in the ass.

- Oh, okay, now,

just me p-personally, I've never...

You know, I ain't never seen Andre

take it that far before,

but... [chuckles]

What... whatever.

- Yeah, whatever. I'll tell you whatever.

Whatever, I'm gonna finally gonna feel comfortable

taking you out to dinner parties.

And then all of our friends who are also couples,

they're just gonna laugh at us

'cause we're that couple that holds hands all the time.

Let me tell you something, Claudius.

We love each other so very much

that no matter how tired I am,

no matter how much bullshit I've dealt with over the day,

I'm just gonna leave it at the door

when I fuck you in the ass.

- Okay, you know what, man?

It's time for you to stop all that nonsense

right now, all right?

Did he just say he was gonna take me to dinner parties?

- He did say "dinner parties."

- We're gonna snuggle on the couch every night.

I'm gonna let you pick the movie,

even though you always pick the movie.

Then I'm gonna take you out for a walk on the beach,

and the moonlight's gonna bounce off of your scalp.

And I'm just gonna kiss you so tenderly

while the waves break, and then right there, right then,

I'm gonna fuck you in the sandy asshole.

- All right, it's time for you to shut your fool mouth!

- Is it? Is it time? - Yes, it is time.

It's time for you to shut your mouth!

- We gonna spend the golden years together.

- Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? - Yeah. Yeah.

I'm gonna support you all the way

through your run through city council.

Yeah, that's right, and you're gonna be tired

and exhausted and overworked,

but we're gonna still find the energy

to go antiquing on the weekends. - Oh, yeah?

- And then you're gonna be on your deathbed,

and you're gonna be sitting there,

and you're gonna be dying.

I'm gonna be right beside you, and I'm gonna be crying.

And right at that moment when you cross over

from this world into the next,

I'm gonna fuck you in the asshole.

- Oh, man, I wish you'd try.

- Oh, you do? - I wish that you would try.

- Well, wish fucking granted.

[Soft jazz music]

[Laughter]

No, I love the Village as much as the next guy,

but I'm telling you, if we continue

to self-segregate ourselves, the entire gay community's

gonna continue to be "margarine-ized."

I was just saying this to Claudius the other night

right after I fucked him in the ass.

- Yeah, he did, he did.

- Anyway, enough politics. Cheers, everyone.

All: Cheers.

- You know when people pour their 40s

for the memories of their fallen homies?

- You pour it out for your homies a little bit?

Mm-hmm. Could you pick a more disreputable liquid?

- Yeah.

You can urinate on a grave

and be doing a better justice to your fallen homey

than some Olde English.

- Yeah, it seems like the kind of thing

that people in ancient times would do

to a fallen enemy, not a comrade.

- [British accent] Let's get the shittiest ale.

- [British accent] Oh, and take this fucking piss water...

- Ah, ah.

- And dump it on these blasted Saxons.

[Both shout]

- [Normal voice] Why do English people always squat?

- [Normal voice] I don't know why they do it, but they do.

It's a fact... they squat. - They squat.

- Those sons of bitches squat.

- Hey, y'all, for real, though,

this right here... - Yeah.

- This goes out to all our fallen homies, yo.

Come on. - Hey, yo, real talk.

- All right?

[Liquid splashing]

- I mean,

it just seems like a waste.

Right?

Does that make me a dick?

Okay, I'm a dick. Okay, I'm a dick.

- Come on, man. - I'm sorry.

I'm a big ol' dick. - Let's go.

- Okay, here... For our homies.

- Come on, man. - What you doing?

- Pour out the damn beer, man. - Let's go.

- Okay, okay. Fine, fine.

Glug, glug, glug. Glug, glug, glug...

- No, come on, man.

Hey, man, you got your thumb in there, man.

- Okay, okay, okay.

- You need to respect our homies.

- Jeez, okay. Okay.

For the homies.

- Wha... - Nigga, a trash beer?

- What? Come on. Hey, beer is beer!

The... Jeez. I cannot win on this.

- What? - Fine.

I'm not on board with this, but I'll do it.

[Liquid splashing]

- Hey, man, what you doing? What you doing?

- Oh, really? That don't count?

- Aw, hey, put that... That's not for...

Aw, man.

- Ahh.

It's more of a symbol than a gesture.

Somebody back me up on this. Right?

- Hey, man, that's disrespectful right there.

You just do it.

- Fine, fine! I'll pour it out!

I'll waste the damn beer then!

[Groans]

You know, I'm... I'm just not a waster.

You know, I save everything. Jamal knows.

If he eat a piece of pizza and don't eat the crust,

I eat the crust.

If we do a drive-by shooting,

I will go back for the shell cases.

Not to hide the evidence,

but because you can recycle those.

They have value, man, just like this beer.

I can't waste nothing, y'all.

It's physically impossible for me to waste this.

I can't do it.

Jamal, can you pour it out for me?

- Oh, man. Both: Come on, man.

- I mean, it's not gonna bring 'em back.

- Stupid. - It's not gonna bring 'em back.

[Metallic clicking]

- [Groans] - All right, partner.

Take this scumbag downtown

before the Mexicans find him and blow his ass away.

- We're gonna keep you alive, chlco.

Comprende?

- [Laughs] - Come on.

[Dramatic music]

- [sustained] No!

[Crying]

No!

[Bird squawks]

[Explosion, bird crows]

What? Is that a bird?

- Hey!

Do you know what happened?

- No.

Oh!

Oh, I get it.

When I say "no," stuff blows up.

[Explosion, glass shatters]

Cool.

- What'd you think about that show, man?

- What'd I think about that show that just happened right there?

- That happened right there. - Man, that jam was nooice!

- Come on.

- Good night, everybody.

[Cheers and applause]

- I'm gonna do my one line here

- Oh, yeah.

- If you went whoosh and shot an arrow at somebody,

and then you cut to the hero in slow motion,

and the hero's talking about...

- Talking about... [mimics suspenseful music]

Both: Aah! Ripped By mstoll

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Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0