All language subtitles for Key And Peele s02e06 Michael Jackson Halloween.ng

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch Download
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French Download
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil) Download
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian Download
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish Download
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,088 --> 00:00:02,918 The power of Christ compels you! 2 00:00:03,164 --> 00:00:04,392 [bleep] your mother! 3 00:00:04,475 --> 00:00:05,821 The power of Christ compels you! 4 00:00:06,237 --> 00:00:07,742 The power of Christ compels you! 5 00:00:07,825 --> 00:00:09,036 Your mother's in Hell! 6 00:00:09,119 --> 00:00:11,128 The power of Christ compels you! 7 00:00:12,670 --> 00:00:13,955 I'll suck your [bleep]. 8 00:00:14,038 --> 00:00:17,797 Let me suck your [bleep], mother[bleep]. 9 00:00:24,198 --> 00:00:25,529 Could you please clear the room? 10 00:00:41,149 --> 00:00:45,135 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 11 00:00:45,219 --> 00:00:46,920 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 12 00:00:48,031 --> 00:00:49,498 Yo! 13 00:00:53,369 --> 00:00:55,504 Thank you so much. 14 00:00:56,121 --> 00:00:57,857 That was scary... 15 00:00:58,214 --> 00:00:59,829 before it got offensive. 16 00:01:01,363 --> 00:01:03,223 Good evening, everybody, I'm Keegan-Michael Key. 17 00:01:03,306 --> 00:01:05,228 - I am Jordan Peele. - And we're Key and Peele. 18 00:01:05,311 --> 00:01:06,550 Thanks for coming out. 19 00:01:07,710 --> 00:01:08,694 Thank you so much. 20 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:09,768 Happy Halloween, everybody. 21 00:01:09,851 --> 00:01:10,771 - Welcome. - Happy Halloween. 22 00:01:10,854 --> 00:01:12,353 - This is our... - All Hallow's Eve, yes. 23 00:01:12,436 --> 00:01:14,540 - Our Halloween celebration. - Mm-hmm, yes. 24 00:01:14,623 --> 00:01:16,879 Um, we are... we're fans of horror movies. 25 00:01:16,963 --> 00:01:18,189 And there's several different kinds. 26 00:01:18,272 --> 00:01:19,594 - There's several different kinds. - There's... right. 27 00:01:19,677 --> 00:01:22,933 There's the kind where there's little Asian children 28 00:01:23,023 --> 00:01:24,329 that sound like Penelope Cruz. 29 00:01:24,412 --> 00:01:25,631 Yup, yeah. 30 00:01:27,611 --> 00:01:29,180 Well, you know what? My favorite... 31 00:01:29,263 --> 00:01:31,891 My favorite horror movies are the possession ones. 32 00:01:31,974 --> 00:01:34,989 - Oh, yes, yes. - And since I've been in California, 33 00:01:35,267 --> 00:01:37,940 I will go see a horror movie at 12:00 at night. 34 00:01:38,139 --> 00:01:39,825 I went and saw Paranormal Activity, 35 00:01:39,910 --> 00:01:43,288 There was a family of 75 Mexican people in front of me. 36 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:47,632 And 90% of them were under the age of four. 37 00:01:48,563 --> 00:01:51,391 And... and you know what the most messed up thing about it is, 38 00:01:51,475 --> 00:01:54,024 like clockwork, about halfway through the movie, 39 00:01:54,107 --> 00:01:55,206 - at some point... - Yeah, yeah. 40 00:01:55,289 --> 00:01:58,683 Somebody goes, "Oh, no, it's not a ghost, it's a demon." 41 00:01:58,766 --> 00:01:59,853 The entire mexican family, 42 00:01:59,936 --> 00:02:01,936 "Oh, no, [bleep] this. We don't [bleep] with that." 43 00:02:03,960 --> 00:02:05,660 - Right in front of my action. - Everybody, there's the kid... 44 00:02:05,743 --> 00:02:07,828 Oh, come on, this is... 45 00:02:07,911 --> 00:02:09,250 This is ridiculous. 46 00:02:09,333 --> 00:02:11,470 They're all leaving, the whole family. 47 00:02:11,553 --> 00:02:13,553 - This is a... you know... - En masse, out the door. 48 00:02:13,636 --> 00:02:16,175 It's a horror movie, it's always Diablo! 49 00:02:16,258 --> 00:02:18,288 Yeah, what did you think was gonna happen? 50 00:02:20,923 --> 00:02:22,622 Oh, here we go, we got more. 51 00:02:23,665 --> 00:02:24,801 Hey! 52 00:02:24,885 --> 00:02:27,380 What's up, Ted and Annette? Come on in. 53 00:02:27,837 --> 00:02:30,350 Yes. Fangs for coming. 54 00:02:31,551 --> 00:02:32,813 Have a bloody good time. 55 00:02:32,896 --> 00:02:35,134 Awesome. Oh! Oh. 56 00:02:35,217 --> 00:02:36,273 Hee-hee! 57 00:02:36,356 --> 00:02:38,747 There he is. What's up, Noah? 58 00:02:38,830 --> 00:02:40,658 Hee-hee! - Michael Jackson. 59 00:02:40,741 --> 00:02:42,772 - Hee-hee! - Oh, here it is. 60 00:02:43,135 --> 00:02:45,125 - Hee-hee! - Yeah, that's what he does. 61 00:02:45,208 --> 00:02:46,975 - Hee-hee! - That's Michael Jackson. 62 00:02:47,058 --> 00:02:48,309 - Hee-hee! - All right. 63 00:02:48,392 --> 00:02:51,224 - Hee-ee hee! - Great! 64 00:02:51,307 --> 00:02:52,559 - Ow! - Nice. 65 00:02:52,642 --> 00:02:54,783 Ow! Sham! - Oh, there we go. 66 00:02:54,866 --> 00:02:56,817 - Sham! - There we go. 67 00:02:56,900 --> 00:02:59,304 - Sham! - All right, three's the charm. 68 00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,310 - Sham on! - Four. 69 00:03:00,393 --> 00:03:01,210 - Ha! - All right, well... 70 00:03:01,293 --> 00:03:04,433 - Annie, are you okay? - Oh! He's leaning. He's leaning. 71 00:03:04,516 --> 00:03:05,864 - Are you okay, Annie? - All right. 72 00:03:05,947 --> 00:03:07,901 - Are you okay? - Annie, are you okay, Annie? 73 00:03:07,984 --> 00:03:10,516 You've been touched by a smooth criminal. 74 00:03:10,600 --> 00:03:12,202 - Very nice Ha! - Sham on! 75 00:03:12,717 --> 00:03:14,288 - Oh, more kicks. - Ha! Closer! Closer! 76 00:03:14,371 --> 00:03:16,015 - More kicks. You're... - Close to your face! 77 00:03:16,098 --> 00:03:17,940 You... Ah! You almost hit me there. 78 00:03:18,023 --> 00:03:19,086 - You're really getting... - Sham on! 79 00:03:19,169 --> 00:03:20,365 No more "sham on" s. 80 00:03:20,448 --> 00:03:21,229 Hoo hoo! 81 00:03:21,312 --> 00:03:22,272 You want to come inside? 82 00:03:25,717 --> 00:03:28,000 That's annoying. That is very annoy... 83 00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,913 Stop. Stop! Just... Don't do it anymore. 84 00:03:30,996 --> 00:03:31,941 Ha! 85 00:03:32,024 --> 00:03:33,676 Yo! Sham on! - Great. 86 00:03:33,759 --> 00:03:35,343 Just keep doing the sham on. That's the one... 87 00:03:35,426 --> 00:03:36,914 Where the children at? Hee! Hee! 88 00:03:36,997 --> 00:03:38,271 - "Where the children at?" - Jesus juice 89 00:03:38,354 --> 00:03:39,592 - That's in bad taste. - Ho! 90 00:03:43,120 --> 00:03:44,058 This isn't... 91 00:03:45,200 --> 00:03:46,462 I don't even know what that is. 92 00:03:46,545 --> 00:03:47,629 Thriller eyes. 93 00:03:47,713 --> 00:03:49,817 - Sham on! - What... what are you doing? 94 00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:52,217 - Jam it on! Jam it on! - No, you're cut of sham ons. 95 00:03:52,300 --> 00:03:53,846 I'm... oh, okay. Ha! 96 00:03:53,929 --> 00:03:56,386 He doesn't slap his ass like that, so I don't know what... 97 00:03:56,469 --> 00:03:58,902 - Okay. - nah-nah-nah, nah-nah-nah... 98 00:03:59,038 --> 00:04:00,492 - Nah-nah - No, he doesn't... 99 00:04:00,575 --> 00:04:02,079 I've never seen him hit his ass... 100 00:04:02,162 --> 00:04:04,770 - Hey. But no... - O-oh! 101 00:04:04,853 --> 00:04:06,876 Hey... can we just... hey... 102 00:04:06,959 --> 00:04:08,180 Hey, man... 103 00:04:08,263 --> 00:04:10,614 Hey, stop... stop it! Stop it! 104 00:04:11,675 --> 00:04:13,330 The [bleep] costume's awful, 105 00:04:13,413 --> 00:04:15,166 The impression is stupid and played out, 106 00:04:15,251 --> 00:04:16,775 Everybody and their mother was Michael Jackson 107 00:04:16,859 --> 00:04:18,493 three years ago when he died! 108 00:04:26,295 --> 00:04:27,424 He died? 109 00:04:28,158 --> 00:04:30,691 - Oh. - Wait... wait, he died? 110 00:04:30,774 --> 00:04:31,940 Oh, Noah. 111 00:04:33,184 --> 00:04:34,599 Oh, Noah... 112 00:04:34,682 --> 00:04:36,101 Boo hoo 113 00:04:36,184 --> 00:04:38,018 What? No, wait... wait a second. 114 00:04:38,459 --> 00:04:40,506 Don't sad-moonwalk away. 115 00:04:40,589 --> 00:04:41,640 Mm, boo hoo 116 00:04:41,723 --> 00:04:44,478 - You know what? Let... - Boo hoo! 117 00:04:44,561 --> 00:04:45,861 Happy Halloween. 118 00:04:50,998 --> 00:04:52,075 All right, listen up. 119 00:04:52,159 --> 00:04:54,348 Sheriff's department's close by... We'll be safe there. 120 00:04:54,431 --> 00:04:55,864 - Okay. - Stay close. 121 00:04:56,880 --> 00:04:58,283 I'll get you out of here. 122 00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,619 Oh, my God! Oh, my G... They got Brad! 123 00:05:08,739 --> 00:05:10,516 They got Brad! They got Brad! 124 00:05:10,599 --> 00:05:12,600 Hey, they didn't get us! They didn't get us! 125 00:05:12,684 --> 00:05:14,057 Okay? We're still alive. 126 00:05:14,141 --> 00:05:15,771 - Yeah, right. - Keep it together. 127 00:05:15,854 --> 00:05:16,357 Yeah, okay. 128 00:05:16,440 --> 00:05:18,354 We gotta make it to that sheriff's station. 129 00:05:36,393 --> 00:05:37,950 We gotta go through 'em. 130 00:05:38,033 --> 00:05:40,801 Just stay together, keep moving, and don't get bit. 131 00:05:41,462 --> 00:05:42,620 Go! 132 00:05:53,508 --> 00:05:55,907 - Are you getting this? - Yeah, what is up? 133 00:05:56,131 --> 00:05:58,372 All right, let's go. Let's go. 134 00:05:59,904 --> 00:06:01,742 This is crazy. 135 00:06:05,944 --> 00:06:07,882 - What? - Um... 136 00:06:12,104 --> 00:06:14,148 - Oh. - Ain't that some [bleep]? 137 00:06:14,234 --> 00:06:17,174 These are some racist mother-[bleep] zombies! 138 00:06:17,257 --> 00:06:18,795 Why would you even lock the door? 139 00:06:18,879 --> 00:06:20,375 I mean, the window's broken, and... 140 00:06:21,179 --> 00:06:23,332 Oh! Oh, hell, no. 141 00:06:23,415 --> 00:06:24,594 - That's... - No, no, no. 142 00:06:27,992 --> 00:06:30,444 - Oh, come on! - What is that? 143 00:06:30,528 --> 00:06:32,221 They seriously wouldn't let her eat us. 144 00:06:32,305 --> 00:06:33,872 - That's... - Hey, guys. 145 00:06:34,686 --> 00:06:35,758 Isn't this great? 146 00:06:36,455 --> 00:06:38,390 These racist zombies are leaving us alone. 147 00:06:38,878 --> 00:06:40,367 Come on, we're having a party. 148 00:06:44,790 --> 00:06:46,357 The beer is here! 149 00:06:48,626 --> 00:06:50,883 And look who I brought. Come on, man. 150 00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,758 You like Harry Potter movies, right? 151 00:07:13,841 --> 00:07:16,198 I do like... putting me on blast. 152 00:07:16,281 --> 00:07:18,170 - Put me on blast. - I'm just asking you... 153 00:07:18,254 --> 00:07:19,780 - Yeah, I like... - If you enjoy the... 154 00:07:19,862 --> 00:07:21,633 Can you explain that phenomenon to me? 155 00:07:21,716 --> 00:07:22,990 Never read a book, never seen a movie. 156 00:07:23,073 --> 00:07:24,880 - Okay, see, well, you're... - I don't know anything about it. 157 00:07:24,963 --> 00:07:26,885 - You're missing out. - Am I missing out? Am I missing out? 158 00:07:26,968 --> 00:07:28,178 Mm, my friend. 159 00:07:28,713 --> 00:07:33,003 My friend, the wonderful world of Hogwarts. 160 00:07:33,925 --> 00:07:35,843 Okay, and that's... that's his house, right? 161 00:07:35,926 --> 00:07:36,877 That's... oh. 162 00:07:36,979 --> 00:07:39,002 - That's... Hogwarts's house? - House. 163 00:07:39,085 --> 00:07:40,441 No, you would love it. 164 00:07:40,524 --> 00:07:42,338 You would love... you would be perfect for Hog... 165 00:07:42,421 --> 00:07:44,644 - I don't think so. - You... look, Hufflepuff. 166 00:07:44,727 --> 00:07:47,139 [bleep] Hufflepuff. You just got sorted. 167 00:07:47,223 --> 00:07:49,624 - Do I go like... - You just got sorted. 168 00:07:49,707 --> 00:07:51,550 Is that right? Is what I'm doing right? 169 00:07:53,369 --> 00:07:55,496 Okay, but do I look in the camera? 170 00:07:55,579 --> 00:07:57,271 No? Oh, at you? All right. 171 00:07:57,885 --> 00:08:00,553 Like on television, all right. 172 00:08:06,315 --> 00:08:07,483 Now, knock it off! 173 00:08:07,588 --> 00:08:10,790 All the stupid-ass grab-ass and touchy-feely bull[bleep]! 174 00:08:11,007 --> 00:08:13,194 God damn! I told you they was rotten. 175 00:08:17,223 --> 00:08:21,563 I am Parnabus Jackson, principal here at Clortho's, 176 00:08:21,652 --> 00:08:25,238 Uh, Vince Clortho High. Uh... 177 00:08:25,726 --> 00:08:27,377 This station's just a formality, but... 178 00:08:27,460 --> 00:08:30,290 Here's a bunch of stuff that we confiscated just this week. 179 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,821 Stuff... we don't have to show them that. 180 00:08:32,905 --> 00:08:34,639 Here's a wand with a silencer on it. 181 00:08:34,737 --> 00:08:37,609 Why? But I ask again, why? 182 00:08:37,692 --> 00:08:39,956 One out of five girls in this school 183 00:08:40,040 --> 00:08:41,947 is pregnant with a demon baby! 184 00:08:42,044 --> 00:08:43,129 - Well... - One out of five! 185 00:08:43,212 --> 00:08:45,334 - Okay. - *** 186 00:08:45,532 --> 00:08:47,267 The babies are evil, 187 00:08:47,462 --> 00:08:50,494 But the mothers, they're good kids. 188 00:08:50,739 --> 00:08:52,687 As we say at Clortho's, 189 00:08:52,771 --> 00:08:55,304 "There's never a portal that cannot be opened 190 00:08:55,387 --> 00:08:57,807 "with ingenuity and respect." 191 00:08:58,969 --> 00:08:59,852 Now... 192 00:09:02,260 --> 00:09:04,461 How you gon' be using an invisible cloak, 193 00:09:04,558 --> 00:09:07,478 when I can see you're tagging the damn wall? 194 00:09:07,562 --> 00:09:09,029 Dime bag of pixie dust. 195 00:09:09,570 --> 00:09:10,362 Contraband. 196 00:09:10,446 --> 00:09:11,721 See, here's the thing, 197 00:09:11,804 --> 00:09:13,912 The kids know that the only way to fly... 198 00:09:13,995 --> 00:09:16,454 - Wizard pepper. - Unbelievable. 199 00:09:16,800 --> 00:09:18,400 Get your ass out my office. 200 00:09:18,511 --> 00:09:20,946 I will turn you into a spider! 201 00:09:21,872 --> 00:09:23,068 They're good kids. 202 00:09:23,152 --> 00:09:24,502 Hogwarts and Clortho's, 203 00:09:24,586 --> 00:09:26,872 Clortho's and Hogwarts, they go hand-in-hand, 204 00:09:26,955 --> 00:09:29,774 The best top two wizarding schools there are. 205 00:09:30,194 --> 00:09:32,182 But you know, out of these two schools, 206 00:09:32,265 --> 00:09:33,402 we each have a strike. 207 00:09:33,485 --> 00:09:36,892 We do score a little bit lower on standardized tests 208 00:09:36,975 --> 00:09:40,720 than Hogwarts, but there is a cultural bias. 209 00:09:40,857 --> 00:09:43,935 We may not have a huge endowment 210 00:09:44,018 --> 00:09:46,049 like they get over at Hogwarts, 211 00:09:46,132 --> 00:09:48,386 and yes, some of the teachers have to buy 212 00:09:48,469 --> 00:09:50,500 their own newt's eyes or bat wings or... 213 00:09:50,583 --> 00:09:52,074 One kid got transformed into a cat. 214 00:09:52,157 --> 00:09:53,662 They can't even afford to change him back. 215 00:09:53,745 --> 00:09:55,412 This young man's name is Jamar. 216 00:09:55,715 --> 00:09:58,037 Normally, you're not allowed to touch the students like this 217 00:09:58,120 --> 00:09:59,787 when they're in human form, 218 00:10:00,065 --> 00:10:03,701 But when they're a cat, we just have at it. 219 00:10:04,549 --> 00:10:05,909 Sports. 220 00:10:05,992 --> 00:10:07,586 Everybody loves sports. 221 00:10:07,669 --> 00:10:08,635 - It's true. - Not everybody. 222 00:10:08,718 --> 00:10:10,175 The hallways are a-bluster 223 00:10:10,258 --> 00:10:12,168 with the conversation of our Quidditch team. 224 00:10:12,251 --> 00:10:14,110 Half the team is back here riding mops. 225 00:10:14,193 --> 00:10:15,704 We got two little [bleep] on Swiffers. 226 00:10:15,787 --> 00:10:16,751 Lester! 227 00:10:17,603 --> 00:10:21,438 When all is said and done, the average Clortho student... 228 00:10:21,553 --> 00:10:23,096 uh, say... This mother... 229 00:10:25,302 --> 00:10:27,007 Sometimes the kids think it's cute 230 00:10:27,090 --> 00:10:28,861 To turn themselves into a rat, 231 00:10:29,511 --> 00:10:30,836 sneak into my office, 232 00:10:30,918 --> 00:10:31,997 Play a little joke on me. 233 00:10:32,081 --> 00:10:33,861 Who is that? Tyrone, is that... is that...? 234 00:10:33,944 --> 00:10:35,666 No, that's an actual rat. 235 00:10:36,842 --> 00:10:38,831 So I'm doing this, like, airline food diet. 236 00:10:38,914 --> 00:10:39,823 - Yeah. - It's, like, all I eat, 237 00:10:39,906 --> 00:10:40,725 and I've lost, like, 16 pounds. 238 00:10:40,808 --> 00:10:41,696 - Oh, my God, Amy. - Yeah. 239 00:10:41,779 --> 00:10:43,071 - I almost forgot to tell you. - What? 240 00:10:43,154 --> 00:10:44,245 We got a new receptionist at work. 241 00:10:44,328 --> 00:10:45,683 - Ew! No way. - Yeah. So... 242 00:10:45,766 --> 00:10:47,859 I'm in the common area alone, minding my own business... 243 00:10:47,942 --> 00:10:49,171 - Yeah... oh, she said something to you? 244 00:10:49,254 --> 00:10:51,224 She came up to me, and no joke, she's like, 245 00:10:51,308 --> 00:10:53,876 "Hi, I'm Sandy. I don't believe we've met yet." 246 00:10:53,960 --> 00:10:55,248 She said that to you? 247 00:10:55,331 --> 00:10:57,719 Like, no, Amy, I'm not even kidding you. 248 00:10:57,802 --> 00:10:59,566 She's crazy. - Um, yeah! 249 00:10:59,649 --> 00:11:03,589 No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy, like, get this bitch away from me, 250 00:11:03,672 --> 00:11:05,572 She's sociopathically batshit crazy. 251 00:11:05,655 --> 00:11:06,697 Oh, my God, that totally reminds me, 252 00:11:06,780 --> 00:11:08,534 - I have a new neighbor. - Ew, yeah? 253 00:11:08,617 --> 00:11:10,314 She comes over to my house, she knocks on the door 254 00:11:10,397 --> 00:11:12,379 with, like, a package under her arm. 255 00:11:12,462 --> 00:11:14,416 - Um, stalker much? - Um, yeah. 256 00:11:14,499 --> 00:11:16,613 And she looks me in the eye, and she says to me, 257 00:11:16,762 --> 00:11:19,107 "Um, excuse me, I think the postman 258 00:11:19,191 --> 00:11:21,944 dropped this package off at my house by accident." 259 00:11:22,027 --> 00:11:23,490 - She said that to you? - Yeah. 260 00:11:23,573 --> 00:11:24,886 - Crazy bitch! - I mean, like, 261 00:11:24,969 --> 00:11:26,700 I'm gonna have to move because this bitch is 262 00:11:26,783 --> 00:11:28,080 nutburgers-McLooneytunes, 263 00:11:28,163 --> 00:11:30,240 stand-at-the-foot-of-my-bed- with-a-knife crazy. 264 00:11:30,323 --> 00:11:31,865 Oh, my God, that totally reminds me! 265 00:11:31,948 --> 00:11:33,573 - Oh, yeah. - You remember that girl at Starbuck's? 266 00:11:33,656 --> 00:11:35,526 - The crazy one? - No, a different one. She's new. 267 00:11:35,609 --> 00:11:37,572 - I haven't met her yet. - Well, she's crazy. 268 00:11:37,655 --> 00:11:39,186 - Uh-huh. - She gives me my change, 269 00:11:39,269 --> 00:11:41,623 and then she's like, "Thanks, bye." 270 00:11:42,902 --> 00:11:44,675 She smiled at you like that? 271 00:11:44,758 --> 00:11:46,801 - How crazy is that? - That's, like... 272 00:11:46,884 --> 00:11:48,907 That's, like, insane-in-the-membrane crazy. 273 00:11:48,990 --> 00:11:51,590 Like, this is the membrane, she's inside of it, 'cause that's insane. 274 00:11:51,673 --> 00:11:53,247 No, I'm not even kidding you, Amy, 275 00:11:53,330 --> 00:11:55,755 that's crazy like, it-puts- the-lotion-in-the-basket, 276 00:11:55,838 --> 00:11:59,092 or-else-it-gets-the-hose-again, Cray-to-the-mother[bleep] Cray! 277 00:11:59,175 --> 00:12:02,302 Yeah, like, if Jay-Z had a sister, her name would be "Cray." 278 00:12:02,385 --> 00:12:03,254 Hey! 279 00:12:03,977 --> 00:12:05,878 You ladies want to meet Channing Tatum? 280 00:12:07,318 --> 00:12:09,252 - Is he really in there? - Are you serious? 281 00:12:09,402 --> 00:12:11,745 - Oh, Channing! - (gasps) Oh, my God, Channing! 282 00:12:11,828 --> 00:12:13,103 Channing, what are you doing in a van? 283 00:12:13,186 --> 00:12:15,163 This is effing crazy. I don't see you, Channing. 284 00:12:15,246 --> 00:12:16,700 - Why are you hiding? - Why are you in here? 285 00:12:16,783 --> 00:12:18,932 Channing, are you, like, in a little ball in the front seat? 286 00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:20,525 Hello? It smells like mildew in here. 287 00:12:20,608 --> 00:12:22,763 - I bet... - ow! Sharp, jagged, rusty edge. 288 00:12:22,846 --> 00:12:24,550 Is that a meat hook? 289 00:12:32,578 --> 00:12:34,226 You guys know what the human centipede is? 290 00:12:34,310 --> 00:12:35,339 Human centipede? 291 00:12:35,423 --> 00:12:36,295 Yeah. You guys? 292 00:12:36,378 --> 00:12:37,554 Some of you don't? Some people don't. 293 00:12:37,637 --> 00:12:39,328 There's this movie called Human Centipede. 294 00:12:39,411 --> 00:12:41,638 It's the most [bleep] up horror movie ever. 295 00:12:41,721 --> 00:12:42,961 Ever made. Ever made, ever. 296 00:12:43,045 --> 00:12:45,243 And what happens, basically, three people 297 00:12:45,327 --> 00:12:48,243 and the first person's ass is sewn to the next person's mouth. 298 00:12:48,327 --> 00:12:50,070 - Mouth. - Whose ass is sewn... 299 00:12:50,153 --> 00:12:51,453 To the next person's mouth. 300 00:12:52,714 --> 00:12:56,240 And hence, a multi-legged organism, uh... 301 00:12:56,504 --> 00:12:58,358 And then... Look at this woman's mouth, 302 00:12:58,441 --> 00:12:59,946 It's just open... Don't open your mouth right now, ma'am. 303 00:13:00,029 --> 00:13:00,958 She's just, like... don't op... yes, please, don't... 304 00:13:01,041 --> 00:13:01,944 You don't want to open your... 305 00:13:02,027 --> 00:13:03,123 No one's gonna do it to you, ma'am. 306 00:13:05,511 --> 00:13:07,996 So here's what happened in real life on planet Earth. 307 00:13:08,079 --> 00:13:09,991 - On planet Earth, in real life, 308 00:13:10,074 --> 00:13:12,129 somebody said, "Let's take a look at this script here. 309 00:13:12,212 --> 00:13:13,380 - Yeah. - "Let me see. 310 00:13:13,463 --> 00:13:15,466 "I think you'll like everything I've done there. 311 00:13:15,549 --> 00:13:17,368 - "Uh-huh, okay. - "Let me know how you think. 312 00:13:17,452 --> 00:13:19,813 "Uh-huh. Yeah, uh-huh, oh, yeah, 313 00:13:20,112 --> 00:13:21,916 "this should make millions of dollars." 314 00:13:24,999 --> 00:13:26,792 - I am gonna go wash my hands. - Okay, sweetie. 315 00:13:26,875 --> 00:13:28,709 - Okay. - See you in a second. 316 00:13:34,496 --> 00:13:35,873 Buddy! 317 00:13:36,133 --> 00:13:39,235 Um, I'm sorry, uh, that seat is actually taken. 318 00:13:39,342 --> 00:13:41,525 My girlfriend is in the bathroom, 319 00:13:41,608 --> 00:13:43,878 and she should be back any second, so you cannot sit there. 320 00:13:43,961 --> 00:13:46,204 You don't even recognize me, do you? 321 00:13:46,287 --> 00:13:48,172 No. No, I d... I don't... I don't know you. 322 00:13:48,255 --> 00:13:50,309 We were in that human centipede together! 323 00:13:50,392 --> 00:13:52,535 I said, I do not know you. 324 00:13:52,618 --> 00:13:55,623 Three years ago, we were kidnapped by the crazy German scientist 325 00:13:55,706 --> 00:13:58,335 who surgically connected us into a single human digestive chain. 326 00:13:58,418 --> 00:13:59,736 There were three of us, I was in the middle, 327 00:13:59,819 --> 00:14:01,583 you were at the end, the other guy was up front. 328 00:14:01,666 --> 00:14:03,521 Your mouth was sewn to my butthole! 329 00:14:03,604 --> 00:14:04,808 Okay, yes, I remember! 330 00:14:05,082 --> 00:14:07,933 And after years of therapy, I finally put that behind me. 331 00:14:08,017 --> 00:14:09,503 Probably should've said you put it behind me, 332 00:14:09,586 --> 00:14:11,303 If you catch my drift. I'm sorry. 333 00:14:11,386 --> 00:14:13,078 Sorry! You already caught my drift. 334 00:14:13,161 --> 00:14:14,577 I'm sorry! That's it. 335 00:14:14,660 --> 00:14:15,747 It was right there in front of me. 336 00:14:15,830 --> 00:14:17,464 - Really? Really? - I'm sorry. 337 00:14:17,548 --> 00:14:18,996 I guess it was right there in front of you. 338 00:14:19,080 --> 00:14:21,083 That's it. I'm sorry. 339 00:14:21,166 --> 00:14:23,833 How are you doing? How are you? 340 00:14:23,917 --> 00:14:25,481 Is there something else I can help you with? 341 00:14:25,564 --> 00:14:27,206 - Um... oh! - Hey, [bleep] eater. 342 00:14:27,289 --> 00:14:29,431 - No [bleep] way! - Hey! 343 00:14:29,514 --> 00:14:32,003 - Front man! - this is a [bleep] nightmare. 344 00:14:32,086 --> 00:14:33,206 Hey, Back man. Back man! 345 00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:34,846 No, don't call me that. 346 00:14:34,929 --> 00:14:36,012 - Ah! - Hey, cop a squat. 347 00:14:36,095 --> 00:14:37,182 No! 348 00:14:37,265 --> 00:14:39,465 Ooh, chili. Old habits die hard? 349 00:14:39,669 --> 00:14:40,915 Nice one! 350 00:14:40,998 --> 00:14:42,886 - Now I can't eat it. - Oh, word? 351 00:14:43,092 --> 00:14:46,152 - Why are you happy to see him? - Come on, man! 352 00:14:46,235 --> 00:14:48,655 You know, we all shared the same experience. 353 00:14:48,738 --> 00:14:51,349 No, we didn't. He was in the front. Nobody [bleep] in his mouth! 354 00:14:51,432 --> 00:14:52,322 That is true. 355 00:14:52,405 --> 00:14:55,512 - Do you ever stop eating? Ever? - Only when I'm [bleep]. 356 00:14:55,595 --> 00:14:56,334 Okay. 357 00:14:56,417 --> 00:14:59,510 - But me and you, right? - Me and you what? 358 00:14:59,593 --> 00:15:01,784 I mean. We were in the same boat. 359 00:15:01,867 --> 00:15:03,697 Nope, you two were in the same boat. 360 00:15:03,780 --> 00:15:05,499 You both [bleep] in someone's mouth. 361 00:15:05,582 --> 00:15:07,245 I didn't get to [bleep] in anyone's mouth! 362 00:15:07,328 --> 00:15:07,881 "Get to"? 363 00:15:07,964 --> 00:15:09,640 When do I get to [bleep] in anybody's mouth, huh? 364 00:15:09,723 --> 00:15:12,339 When do I get to [bleep] in somebody's mouth? 365 00:15:12,422 --> 00:15:15,433 - Steven! - Hon... I... No. 366 00:15:16,022 --> 00:15:18,895 These guys... I can explain this. I can explain this. 367 00:15:19,519 --> 00:15:20,364 You... 368 00:15:20,476 --> 00:15:22,110 Oh, you're disgusted? 369 00:15:22,285 --> 00:15:23,854 You... oh, now, you're gonna leave? 370 00:15:23,937 --> 00:15:26,480 Oh, yeah. That's great. Oh, yeah. 371 00:15:26,663 --> 00:15:29,165 Once again, I'm the asshole. 372 00:15:34,809 --> 00:15:36,382 Good evening, my fellow Americans. 373 00:15:36,903 --> 00:15:39,957 Now, as you know, sometimes during the chaos 374 00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:41,522 of a presidential campaign, 375 00:15:41,616 --> 00:15:44,308 It's easy to forget the beauty of the democratic process... 376 00:15:44,391 --> 00:15:45,290 This is it! 377 00:15:45,811 --> 00:15:47,110 Armageddon! 378 00:15:47,193 --> 00:15:49,843 I mean, y'all got to vote for me, y'all, you have to! 379 00:15:49,926 --> 00:15:53,432 Or we gonna get banked over by a bunch of bitch-ass billionaires! 380 00:15:55,959 --> 00:15:57,693 This is my anger translator, Luther, 381 00:15:57,777 --> 00:16:00,046 Who... I thought had the day off. 382 00:16:00,873 --> 00:16:02,696 What the [bleep] are you doing here, Luther? 383 00:16:05,116 --> 00:16:07,861 Anyway, I think that everybody 384 00:16:08,031 --> 00:16:10,199 needs to take a moment to appreciate 385 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,908 that our political system truly works. 386 00:16:12,996 --> 00:16:16,459 Unless Romney wins, and then the [bleep] is broke! 387 00:16:17,367 --> 00:16:20,242 And despite the heated rhetoric of a campaign, there's 388 00:16:20,326 --> 00:16:22,737 always a place for civil discourse. 389 00:16:22,820 --> 00:16:24,962 As long as you got a few million dollars lying around 390 00:16:25,045 --> 00:16:27,079 so you can counteract all the negative ads. 391 00:16:27,255 --> 00:16:28,782 Hey, Romney and Karl Rove 392 00:16:28,865 --> 00:16:31,990 and all you evil mother[bleep] with your slimy-ass super PACs, 393 00:16:32,073 --> 00:16:34,764 Y'all done poked a hornet's nest with a sugar stick. 394 00:16:34,847 --> 00:16:37,956 Y'all slapped Frankenstein right in the bolts, man. 395 00:16:40,190 --> 00:16:41,191 Uhh! 396 00:16:41,881 --> 00:16:43,533 And you know what, after I win this? 397 00:16:43,875 --> 00:16:45,617 I'm taking all y'all down. 398 00:16:46,626 --> 00:16:47,478 Thank you, 399 00:16:47,562 --> 00:16:49,701 And I'll see you all on the campaign trail. 400 00:16:49,893 --> 00:16:51,759 And when you give me your babies to kiss, 401 00:16:51,867 --> 00:16:54,068 please clean they diapers, all right? 402 00:16:54,157 --> 00:16:56,057 'Cause I ain't trying to kiss no poop! 403 00:16:56,212 --> 00:16:58,019 Just wash they ass. 404 00:16:58,615 --> 00:17:00,534 You know, just wash their ass. 405 00:17:01,389 --> 00:17:03,987 It's true. You should wash their ass. 406 00:17:16,155 --> 00:17:19,529 How come in every Stephen King book or movie... 407 00:17:19,612 --> 00:17:20,262 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. 408 00:17:20,522 --> 00:17:22,953 A black person has got to have special powers? 409 00:17:23,037 --> 00:17:24,813 Yeah, Green Mile. 410 00:17:25,502 --> 00:17:26,335 And the mouse is alive. 411 00:17:26,418 --> 00:17:27,660 - Right. - I mean, you know what I mean? 412 00:17:27,743 --> 00:17:29,586 Okay. Tom Hanks' (bleep) works. 413 00:17:29,669 --> 00:17:30,950 - That's right. - You know what I mean? 414 00:17:31,033 --> 00:17:31,823 It's just, like... 415 00:17:31,906 --> 00:17:33,428 Bees coming out of this mother-[bleep] mouth. 416 00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:35,196 - Aah. - I mean, you know what I mean? 417 00:17:35,279 --> 00:17:36,917 And in The Stand, the woman... you know, she had... 418 00:17:37,000 --> 00:17:38,564 She was clairvoyant? Oh, yeah. 419 00:17:38,647 --> 00:17:41,179 Oh, Mama Abagail gonna show you the way. 420 00:17:41,263 --> 00:17:43,438 - That's... oh, yeah. - Yeah. 421 00:17:43,522 --> 00:17:45,045 - I want to go to Maine... - Yes. 422 00:17:45,128 --> 00:17:46,713 So I can meet all these magical black people. 423 00:17:46,796 --> 00:17:48,993 That is where magical black people go to retire. 424 00:17:49,095 --> 00:17:50,631 I-I... yeah, right... oh, okay. 425 00:17:52,920 --> 00:17:55,623 So your office is all the way down at the end. 426 00:17:55,801 --> 00:17:58,357 You have your own attached bathroom, by the way. 427 00:17:58,726 --> 00:18:01,318 Oh, um, here's one of our best researchers. Dick? 428 00:18:01,401 --> 00:18:04,053 - Hey. - Ah, hello there. 429 00:18:05,650 --> 00:18:06,865 What's up, dude? 430 00:18:07,267 --> 00:18:10,710 Glad to see there's another brother in this stuffy place. 431 00:18:10,794 --> 00:18:15,089 - So, uh, this is gonna be your assistant, Genevieve. 432 00:18:15,173 --> 00:18:16,904 - Genevieve, I'm... - What is this? 433 00:18:16,988 --> 00:18:18,961 It's the Shining, man. 434 00:18:19,045 --> 00:18:20,979 All black people have the Shining. 435 00:18:21,114 --> 00:18:23,386 You never shined with another black person before? 436 00:18:23,489 --> 00:18:26,473 No, I grew up in a white neighborhood and then went to Dartmouth. 437 00:18:26,556 --> 00:18:29,382 I've met other black people before, but not like this. 438 00:18:29,493 --> 00:18:32,714 You gotta get shined at by another black person first, 439 00:18:32,797 --> 00:18:35,498 and then you get it. It's kinda like Facebook. 440 00:18:37,755 --> 00:18:39,267 What up, dudes? 441 00:18:40,460 --> 00:18:43,379 So every black person has this? Is Kobe listening? 442 00:18:43,462 --> 00:18:44,518 Yo, what up? 443 00:18:44,601 --> 00:18:46,086 Wow! Denzel Washington? 444 00:18:46,169 --> 00:18:49,853 I'm here, I'm present, and I will always be around. 445 00:18:49,952 --> 00:18:52,730 - Lil' Jon? - Yeah! 446 00:18:52,813 --> 00:18:55,337 Excuse me, Lil' Jon. Welcome, Ray. 447 00:18:56,017 --> 00:18:57,790 I'm glad to have you on board. 448 00:18:57,956 --> 00:19:01,292 Oh, [bleep]! What's up, Barack Obama? 449 00:19:03,001 --> 00:19:04,017 Ahem! 450 00:19:06,046 --> 00:19:08,648 Wouldn't that be something if Barack Obama just showed up? 451 00:19:10,172 --> 00:19:12,342 Your start-up paperwork's right over here. 452 00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,459 Man, you gotta be more careful. 453 00:19:16,543 --> 00:19:18,220 Learn to use the Shining. 454 00:19:18,304 --> 00:19:19,730 Tune in and out of it. 455 00:19:19,874 --> 00:19:22,660 Otherwise you won't be able to sort out who's talking. 456 00:19:22,744 --> 00:19:24,544 And I'm sick of these goddamn snakes... 457 00:19:24,628 --> 00:19:27,029 - Just give me the basketball! - ...on this goddamn plane! 458 00:19:27,111 --> 00:19:29,379 Here, yo, Coco, what you want to drink, girl? 459 00:19:29,479 --> 00:19:30,463 Leo, what are you doing? 460 00:19:30,546 --> 00:19:32,698 Drink some colt 45 malt liquor. 461 00:19:32,781 --> 00:19:35,540 Women dig chocolate! 462 00:19:35,977 --> 00:19:37,074 Is everything okay? 463 00:19:37,157 --> 00:19:40,370 Ray! Listen for Morgan. 464 00:19:41,115 --> 00:19:43,960 Morgan Freeman. He will guide you. 465 00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:46,338 Listen to my voice, Ray. 466 00:19:46,888 --> 00:19:50,699 Now, just stay calm and focus on that white man. 467 00:19:52,723 --> 00:19:54,402 Everything's going to be okay. 468 00:19:54,752 --> 00:19:57,839 Once you finish up this paperwork, bring it to Jennifer in my office. 469 00:20:01,175 --> 00:20:03,226 Now, pick up that letter opener, 470 00:20:04,111 --> 00:20:07,449 and kill that white man. 471 00:20:11,276 --> 00:20:13,411 Have an amazing Halloween. 472 00:20:13,736 --> 00:20:15,815 - Uh, we are not going... - Hee-ya! 473 00:20:17,956 --> 00:20:19,423 Oh, sham on! 474 00:20:20,324 --> 00:20:23,993 - Don't encourage him. - Shamone! Oh! 475 00:20:24,479 --> 00:20:25,913 Close to your face! - No, don't. 476 00:20:26,015 --> 00:20:27,616 We're not doing that. 477 00:20:28,365 --> 00:20:30,503 Sham on! 478 00:20:30,587 --> 00:20:33,696 Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! Sham on! 479 00:20:33,780 --> 00:20:35,520 Sham on! 480 00:20:35,604 --> 00:20:37,394 Ah! Ha! 481 00:20:40,563 --> 00:20:42,898 Close to your face! - No! All right. 482 00:20:43,070 --> 00:20:44,388 Look at him, he looks like... 483 00:20:44,471 --> 00:20:46,503 you look like Michael Jackson after he got burnt. 484 00:20:49,085 --> 00:20:50,800 - Good night, everybody! 485 00:20:52,767 --> 00:20:57,543 Sync & corrections by dwigt www.addic7ed.com 486 00:20:57,750 --> 00:21:00,229 I'm gonna do my one line here 487 00:21:00,729 --> 00:21:02,552 Oh, yeah! 488 00:21:02,676 --> 00:21:04,377 Resync BluRay by LeRalouf 489 00:21:05,293 --> 00:21:07,074 - These girls over there. - These two girls 490 00:21:07,176 --> 00:21:10,121 are-- she's crying. She's crying right now. 491 00:21:10,192 --> 00:21:12,449 Don't wipe away that-- don't! No! 492 00:21:12,997 --> 00:21:14,199 Hey, it's cool! 493 00:21:16,090 --> 00:21:18,743 People will actually think we're funny! 494 00:21:18,793 --> 00:21:23,343 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 37445

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.