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1
00:00:05,206 --> 00:00:06,820
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
2
00:00:07,170 --> 00:00:09,837
With me, as always,
is my anger translator Luther.
3
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,180
Boom, Mitt!
4
00:00:11,430 --> 00:00:14,880
I sunk your battleship, bitch!
What's up?!
5
00:00:15,679 --> 00:00:19,273
To the American people, I just want
to say that the debates are over
6
00:00:19,439 --> 00:00:22,426
but now is not a time
to tally points
7
00:00:22,510 --> 00:00:24,066
or to, uh, keep the score.
8
00:00:24,150 --> 00:00:25,987
2-1, Obama.
9
00:00:26,070 --> 00:00:29,900
Game, set, match,
touchdown, homerun, checkmate.
10
00:00:29,984 --> 00:00:31,654
Can we get back to work now?
11
00:00:31,836 --> 00:00:33,876
Governor Romney,
in the recent debate,
12
00:00:33,960 --> 00:00:36,617
I laid out the inconsistencies
in your stated beliefs.
13
00:00:36,700 --> 00:00:39,587
Okay, Governor Rom... Listen,
I'm gonna tell you a little...
14
00:00:39,670 --> 00:00:42,917
Governor Romney,
why are you smiling
15
00:00:43,001 --> 00:00:44,596
while you're getting
your ass kicked?
16
00:00:44,680 --> 00:00:47,977
Are we debating, or are you trying
to sell me a Lexus?
17
00:00:48,061 --> 00:00:50,988
I directly questioned you
about your opposition
18
00:00:51,070 --> 00:00:52,467
to the auto industry bailout.
19
00:00:52,550 --> 00:00:55,377
On behalf of all the people in Detroit
that want to stab you,
20
00:00:55,460 --> 00:00:58,800
I ask again,
why are you smiling?
21
00:00:59,206 --> 00:01:01,196
I asked you about
your stance on Syria,
22
00:01:01,280 --> 00:01:03,137
which you called
"Iran's route to the sea."
23
00:01:03,220 --> 00:01:05,750
Hey... Dummy... Look!
24
00:01:05,912 --> 00:01:08,789
Iran is on the sea.
25
00:01:08,906 --> 00:01:11,376
Syria's two god damn
countries this way.
26
00:01:11,460 --> 00:01:14,730
Bam...
which is a city in Iran.
27
00:01:15,069 --> 00:01:17,816
I even reminded you
that horses and bayonets
28
00:01:17,900 --> 00:01:20,607
are not strategically valid
in modern warfare.
29
00:01:20,690 --> 00:01:23,407
So like I said, it's time
to wipe that smug smile
30
00:01:23,490 --> 00:01:27,357
off your sweaty, sweaty,
pasty-ass sweaty face.
31
00:01:27,440 --> 00:01:29,227
I mean, Mitt,
do you need a towel?
32
00:01:29,310 --> 00:01:32,460
Because your face is
straight up raining.
33
00:01:33,093 --> 00:01:35,237
I spoke about brinksmanship
with Iran,
34
00:01:35,320 --> 00:01:37,277
and you just said
you wanted a peaceful planet.
35
00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:39,690
I mean, who let
Wavy Gravy up in here?
36
00:01:39,790 --> 00:01:40,507
I'm sorry, Mitt.
37
00:01:40,590 --> 00:01:42,727
If you want to be the first
mormon hippie,
38
00:01:42,810 --> 00:01:44,596
you're gonna need to grow
your hair out, dog.
39
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,177
And quit smiling!
40
00:01:46,260 --> 00:01:47,937
[bleep]!
This got me...
41
00:01:48,020 --> 00:01:50,147
There were many times
where you even, uh,
42
00:01:50,230 --> 00:01:51,710
inexplicably agreed with me.
43
00:01:51,810 --> 00:01:54,047
Stop agreeing with me!
44
00:01:54,216 --> 00:01:57,016
Are you trying to body snatch me
and become me
45
00:01:57,100 --> 00:01:59,650
for the last two weeks
of the election?
46
00:01:59,750 --> 00:02:01,167
I mean, what's...
I'm sorry, time out.
47
00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:03,671
Sir, I'm, like,
legitimately concerned
48
00:02:03,755 --> 00:02:07,207
that he's like an insane,
rich, crazy person who's gonna...
49
00:02:07,290 --> 00:02:08,590
- Luther...
- Wait, okay, yeah.
50
00:02:08,690 --> 00:02:10,220
- Calm down now.
- Okay.
51
00:02:10,408 --> 00:02:12,838
I assure you,
Governor Romney's not insane.
52
00:02:13,140 --> 00:02:14,107
- Okay.
- Thank you.
53
00:02:14,190 --> 00:02:15,820
- No problem.
- In conclusion...
54
00:02:16,206 --> 00:02:19,036
I greatly appreciated our
exchange on foreign policy.
55
00:02:19,120 --> 00:02:21,300
But we all know the only
country that matters...
56
00:02:21,543 --> 00:02:22,510
is Ohio.
57
00:02:22,594 --> 00:02:24,844
You sweaty, smiley,
58
00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:28,410
never-gonna-be-president
looking mother-[bleep].
59
00:02:28,494 --> 00:02:29,974
- What?
- Hey...
60
00:02:30,660 --> 00:02:32,247
Loosing up a little bit
over here.
61
00:02:32,330 --> 00:02:34,860
And it's just about
[bleep]ing time.
62
00:02:49,120 --> 00:02:51,940
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
63
00:02:52,024 --> 00:02:53,725
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
64
00:02:58,490 --> 00:03:00,947
- Hello!
- Hi.
65
00:03:01,030 --> 00:03:02,207
Thank you.
66
00:03:02,290 --> 00:03:03,317
Thank you.
67
00:03:03,400 --> 00:03:06,417
Thank you for coming.
68
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:08,136
Thank you so much.
69
00:03:08,620 --> 00:03:10,767
Welcome to the show.
I'm Keegan-Michael Key.
70
00:03:10,850 --> 00:03:12,716
- I am Jordan Peele.
- We are Key and Peele.
71
00:03:12,800 --> 00:03:14,557
- Thank you for coming.
- Key... and Peele.
72
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:15,810
Thank you!
73
00:03:17,710 --> 00:03:18,880
So...
74
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:22,050
The other day you and I
were talking about
75
00:03:22,410 --> 00:03:25,037
why there are no longer
rap groups.
76
00:03:25,120 --> 00:03:25,977
Rap groups.
Do you guys...
77
00:03:26,060 --> 00:03:27,507
Do you know
what happened to rap groups?
78
00:03:27,590 --> 00:03:29,787
There are rappers...
and there are collaborations.
79
00:03:29,870 --> 00:03:30,320
Right.
80
00:03:30,420 --> 00:03:32,787
- But there are no longer rap groups.
- Right.
81
00:03:32,870 --> 00:03:35,067
Wu-Tang Clan... they had...
82
00:03:35,150 --> 00:03:36,037
Oh, yeah.
83
00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,407
- Right.
- These dudes...
84
00:03:37,490 --> 00:03:40,440
- They had like 36 dudes on stage.
- Yeah, right.
85
00:03:40,630 --> 00:03:42,577
- With like katana blades,
- What's a katana blade?
86
00:03:42,660 --> 00:03:44,430
Dressed like [bleep] Ninja Turtles.
87
00:03:44,590 --> 00:03:47,548
Or-or-or Public Enemy had...
88
00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:51,290
You know, like one rapper,
a crazy man with a clock,
89
00:03:52,661 --> 00:03:54,248
- and a security force.
- Yeah.
90
00:03:54,410 --> 00:03:57,098
Arrested Development.
That's kind of rap group.
91
00:03:57,182 --> 00:03:58,461
Yeah!
92
00:03:58,545 --> 00:04:01,897
These dudes... they were
the first band, I think in history
93
00:04:01,980 --> 00:04:03,837
just to have a black woman
on stage going like that...
94
00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:05,810
- Right. Yeah, yeah.
- For no reason.
95
00:04:09,330 --> 00:04:11,117
- There was just...
- There's no reason for it.
96
00:04:11,200 --> 00:04:12,384
That's right.
97
00:04:12,468 --> 00:04:13,997
And a little old man
in a rocking chair,
98
00:04:14,080 --> 00:04:16,920
just an old man
in a rocking chair.
99
00:04:21,400 --> 00:04:23,517
Bone bone bone bone
100
00:04:23,600 --> 00:04:24,977
Bone thugs and homeless
101
00:04:25,060 --> 00:04:27,220
Bone bone bone
102
00:04:27,320 --> 00:04:29,347
Said, brah,
that's what we gonna do
103
00:04:29,430 --> 00:04:31,257
Where has everybody gone
104
00:04:31,340 --> 00:04:32,666
Gone gone
105
00:04:32,750 --> 00:04:34,697
Where have
all the people gone
106
00:04:34,780 --> 00:04:36,297
How did we go broke
107
00:04:36,380 --> 00:04:38,067
Think of all the lost hoes
108
00:04:38,150 --> 00:04:39,537
Somehow we must've taken
109
00:04:39,620 --> 00:04:41,667
A wrong turn at crossroads
110
00:04:41,750 --> 00:04:43,297
Maybe we should change
our flow
111
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:45,160
But our flow is tight though
112
00:04:45,250 --> 00:04:46,686
The harmony thing seems old
113
00:04:46,770 --> 00:04:48,527
Something don't smell right, yo
114
00:04:48,610 --> 00:04:50,297
We smelling like hell
and not doing too well
115
00:04:50,380 --> 00:04:52,547
And we live in a system
where nobody's giving away
116
00:04:52,630 --> 00:04:55,987
Every day, every day
Poop in different alleyways
117
00:04:56,070 --> 00:04:58,107
Homeless
bone
118
00:04:58,190 --> 00:05:00,137
Homeless bone,
homeless bone, yeah
119
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:02,567
We piss and poop
in different alleyways
120
00:05:02,650 --> 00:05:03,727
Can somebody spare
some change?
121
00:05:03,810 --> 00:05:05,750
We spent all our money
122
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:07,487
Can somebody - anybody -
spare some change
123
00:05:07,570 --> 00:05:09,490
Listen to our tummies
124
00:05:14,130 --> 00:05:16,777
Hey, man,
I miss my uncle Charles, y'all
125
00:05:16,860 --> 00:05:18,497
He had some gall, having a ball
126
00:05:18,580 --> 00:05:20,367
Brother can't even
return my calls
127
00:05:20,450 --> 00:05:22,687
Bone bone bone, bone,
yeah
128
00:05:22,770 --> 00:05:24,547
Bone thugs and homeless bone
129
00:05:24,630 --> 00:05:26,247
Bone thugs and homeless bone
130
00:05:26,330 --> 00:05:28,347
Bone thugs and homeless bone
131
00:05:28,430 --> 00:05:31,670
We're so hungry...
We'll eat a bone
132
00:05:32,030 --> 00:05:33,170
Brock Favors here,
133
00:05:33,271 --> 00:05:34,802
Filling again for Chad Armstrong
134
00:05:34,886 --> 00:05:36,388
who is out sick today.
135
00:05:36,910 --> 00:05:39,316
We are here live
at the Metro Police Department
136
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,067
canine training facility,
137
00:05:41,150 --> 00:05:43,957
And we are going to be learning
some apprehension techniques
138
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:45,707
used by the canine unit.
139
00:05:45,790 --> 00:05:49,017
Now, Officer Hanson, uh, I will
be playing the assailant today.
140
00:05:49,100 --> 00:05:50,347
- Is that correct?
- Yeah, that's correct.
141
00:05:50,430 --> 00:05:53,386
Now, Officer Hanson, I am
perfectly safe in this suit, right?
142
00:05:53,470 --> 00:05:55,080
Yeah, you're 100% safe.
143
00:05:55,180 --> 00:05:57,527
In fact, those are the suits
we use for officer training.
144
00:05:57,609 --> 00:05:58,956
All right!
Well, there you go.
145
00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:01,237
Well, kids, make sure
that you do not try this at home
146
00:06:01,320 --> 00:06:02,567
with your chihuahuas.
147
00:06:02,650 --> 00:06:04,147
Ow! Ow! Ow!
[bleep]!
148
00:06:04,231 --> 00:06:06,461
Get this [bleep] off of me!
Get this [bleep] off of me!
149
00:06:06,560 --> 00:06:08,460
Damn!
Get this [bleep] off of me!
150
00:06:08,560 --> 00:06:09,577
[bleep]!
151
00:06:09,660 --> 00:06:12,247
Oh, God damn!
Oh, God damn!
152
00:06:12,330 --> 00:06:15,240
Oh, [bleep]!
Whoo!
153
00:06:15,450 --> 00:06:18,360
Okie dokey.
I am sorry...
154
00:06:18,730 --> 00:06:20,470
that, uh, you all just
155
00:06:20,850 --> 00:06:23,847
heard me use that inappropriate
language that was very uncalled for.
156
00:06:23,930 --> 00:06:25,397
- When you panic like that...
- Yeah.
157
00:06:25,480 --> 00:06:26,817
He thinks you're more
of a threat than you are.
158
00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:27,337
Uh-huh.
159
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:28,857
That's when he's gonna
bite down harder.
160
00:06:28,940 --> 00:06:31,730
Okay, well, I will...
make an effort this time to...
161
00:06:32,030 --> 00:06:34,970
really try and be
as calm as possible
162
00:06:35,310 --> 00:06:37,146
even though it is
very difficult to be calm
163
00:06:37,410 --> 00:06:39,137
when you're in the lion's den.
164
00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:41,597
Or should I say the doggie den?
You know what I mean?
165
00:06:41,680 --> 00:06:43,367
Oh, [bleep]!
166
00:06:43,450 --> 00:06:45,967
Oh, [bleep]!
This dog is eating my junk!
167
00:06:46,050 --> 00:06:47,567
He's eating my junk!
No!
168
00:06:47,650 --> 00:06:49,927
Oh, [bleep]!
He's got my junk!
169
00:06:50,010 --> 00:06:52,005
Aghh! Oh, my God!
Get him off me!
170
00:06:56,380 --> 00:06:57,967
- That's, uh...
- You don't even know...
171
00:06:58,050 --> 00:06:59,037
Oh, boy.
172
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:02,647
Until you've seen a dog go after
Keegan-Michael Key's testicles
173
00:07:02,730 --> 00:07:04,370
Four takes in a row.
174
00:07:04,900 --> 00:07:07,107
And this...
I love you came into that day cocky.
175
00:07:07,190 --> 00:07:10,047
I couldn't wait. I was like,
"Let him go, let him do it!"
176
00:07:10,130 --> 00:07:12,087
- He's like,
"I got the [bleep] suit on.
177
00:07:12,170 --> 00:07:12,787
- Oh, man.
178
00:07:12,870 --> 00:07:14,157
"He's not gonna be able
to penetrate."
179
00:07:14,240 --> 00:07:17,590
Well, this whole area
was protected seven-fold.
180
00:07:17,818 --> 00:07:21,127
So... I didn't feel anything
when the dog was there.
181
00:07:21,210 --> 00:07:23,587
It's when I fell on the ground...
And they said,
182
00:07:23,670 --> 00:07:25,877
"Let him go at it again while
Keegan's laying on the ground.
183
00:07:25,960 --> 00:07:26,877
"Let him get in there
and get the crotch."
184
00:07:26,960 --> 00:07:27,837
"Just get in there!"
185
00:07:27,920 --> 00:07:29,287
- And that dog came
right in here, went bip!
186
00:07:29,370 --> 00:07:30,600
And got my thigh.
187
00:07:31,660 --> 00:07:33,200
And our magic word was "Uncle."
188
00:07:33,300 --> 00:07:35,617
No one has ever said the word
"uncle" faster in their life.
189
00:07:35,700 --> 00:07:39,070
I was like, "Ah! Ah!
Uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle-uncle!
190
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:40,857
"That's real! It's real!
It's real, it's real!"
191
00:07:40,940 --> 00:07:42,387
- And then... you wanna know some...
- It's real!
192
00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:44,317
You wanna know
some really scary [bleep]?
193
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,690
That dude that owned the dog...
My man said,
194
00:07:46,774 --> 00:07:48,591
"Stop, stop, stop!
Nein!"
195
00:07:51,550 --> 00:07:54,036
- This dog said...
- That dog was like...
196
00:07:54,920 --> 00:07:56,232
That dog came up...
197
00:08:04,970 --> 00:08:07,367
I think that I'm the worst
Halo player in the world.
198
00:08:07,450 --> 00:08:08,417
You are
the worst Halo player.
199
00:08:08,500 --> 00:08:10,287
I'm the worst Halo player
in the world. I played with my brother.
200
00:08:10,370 --> 00:08:11,477
I realize I shouldn't have
brought that up.
201
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:12,677
Remember when my brother
came over that one time?
202
00:08:12,760 --> 00:08:13,017
Yeah.
203
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:14,517
We just spent 25 minutes just going,
204
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:16,707
"Why don't you just go around
the backside of the cliff?
205
00:08:16,790 --> 00:08:19,456
"I can't find...
Just get out of my way then.
206
00:08:19,540 --> 00:08:21,617
"Well, how am I... There's a thing!
Don't shoot it! Shoot it!
207
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:23,027
"Oh! I'm off the cliff!"
208
00:08:23,110 --> 00:08:25,437
You know, just fall off the cliff.
And then I...
209
00:08:25,520 --> 00:08:28,207
- You know, then I'd reanimate.
- Just two grown-ass men.
210
00:08:28,290 --> 00:08:30,823
Just two grown men who just
reverted to eight-year-olds.
211
00:08:34,290 --> 00:08:35,997
So you can say
as much as you want.
212
00:08:36,080 --> 00:08:38,197
But you can't say
the name of the celebrity
213
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:39,887
or any part of their name,
got it?
214
00:08:39,970 --> 00:08:41,057
- Yeah.
- Yeah, we got it.
215
00:08:41,140 --> 00:08:42,677
- We got it.
- You are so gonna lose.
216
00:08:42,760 --> 00:08:43,747
Baby, you are going down.
217
00:08:43,830 --> 00:08:45,617
Why don't you start the timer
and be amazed?
218
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:47,920
And... go.
219
00:08:49,620 --> 00:08:51,940
Okay, this guy...
"E" equals MC squared.
220
00:08:52,070 --> 00:08:53,447
- Albert Einstein.
- Yes, that is correct.
221
00:08:53,530 --> 00:08:54,787
What?
That's easy. Hello?
222
00:08:54,870 --> 00:08:57,096
Okay, this is the Terminator.
223
00:08:57,180 --> 00:08:58,927
- Arnold Schwarzenegger!
- Yeah!
224
00:08:59,010 --> 00:09:00,147
Okay, we got... we got...
225
00:09:00,230 --> 00:09:02,300
Talking about, uh...
"Are you talking to me?"
226
00:09:02,420 --> 00:09:04,817
- Robert De Niro!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
227
00:09:04,900 --> 00:09:06,077
All right.
All right.
228
00:09:06,160 --> 00:09:08,806
This person pretend to be
straight but he's really gay.
229
00:09:08,890 --> 00:09:09,950
Me!
230
00:09:15,560 --> 00:09:17,254
Uh, uh... he is, uh...
231
00:09:17,790 --> 00:09:19,600
Excuse me.
He's living la vida loca.
232
00:09:21,290 --> 00:09:22,100
Me.
233
00:09:22,320 --> 00:09:23,495
- It's...
- No.
234
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,425
- Okay.
- He's a, um...
235
00:09:25,970 --> 00:09:27,457
Latin pop star.
236
00:09:28,105 --> 00:09:29,387
I'm not a Latin pop star.
237
00:09:29,470 --> 00:09:31,590
No, you are not.
It's not you.
238
00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:33,757
"He bangs, he bangs."
239
00:09:34,012 --> 00:09:37,012
- Oh, Ricky Martin.
- That is correct.
240
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:38,511
I wrote that one too.
241
00:09:40,960 --> 00:09:42,757
Tyrell about to come
out here right now.
242
00:09:42,840 --> 00:09:44,737
- 'Sup, ladies?
- Watch this, watch this.
243
00:09:45,144 --> 00:09:46,277
Yo, Tyrell.
244
00:09:46,360 --> 00:09:47,577
Yo, what up, Lawrence?
245
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:48,987
Hey, man, you wanna play
front hand, back hand?
246
00:09:49,070 --> 00:09:50,907
- I don't know that game, man.
- It's easy, dog.
247
00:09:50,990 --> 00:09:53,277
All you gotta do is say
"front hand" or "back hand."
248
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:55,440
- Aight, front hand.
- Ugh!
249
00:09:56,860 --> 00:09:58,698
Bam! I got you, sucka!
250
00:10:01,410 --> 00:10:04,157
Oh, okay. Okay.
I see how it is now.
251
00:10:04,240 --> 00:10:06,930
Come on, man. Come on.
You know that [bleep] was funny]
252
00:10:07,030 --> 00:10:09,167
- Back hand.
- Huh?
253
00:10:09,328 --> 00:10:12,828
It's still my move, right?
I choose back hand this time.
254
00:10:13,619 --> 00:10:16,589
- Really?
- Back hand, [bleep]!
255
00:10:18,020 --> 00:10:19,360
Uh...
256
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:21,868
Oh!
257
00:10:23,342 --> 00:10:24,882
- God damn!
258
00:10:25,870 --> 00:10:28,567
Look, Ty, I'm sorry,
but I ain't sorry. Know what I mean?
259
00:10:28,650 --> 00:10:32,570
I mean, you asked for it.
I mean, you literally asked for it.
260
00:10:33,186 --> 00:10:34,287
Front hand!
261
00:10:34,426 --> 00:10:36,456
What? No.
Why you wanna hit...
262
00:10:36,540 --> 00:10:38,370
I... got it!
I figured it out.
263
00:10:38,519 --> 00:10:41,066
Front hand!
No, back hand! Back hand!
264
00:10:41,150 --> 00:10:42,360
No, look, look.
Dude... Hey...
265
00:10:42,460 --> 00:10:44,927
If you want me to slap you
across the face back hand, I'll do it.
266
00:10:45,010 --> 00:10:46,347
Okay?
Don't think I won't do it.
267
00:10:46,430 --> 00:10:47,737
But you know that
I'm [bleep] with you, right?
268
00:10:47,820 --> 00:10:50,140
I mean, there ain't no game
called "front hand, back hand."
269
00:10:51,540 --> 00:10:53,576
- Oh!
- Right. Yeah, yeah.
270
00:10:53,660 --> 00:10:56,277
Oh, dog!
Yeah, I get it. I get it.
271
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,330
All right,
all right, all right.
272
00:10:58,676 --> 00:11:01,616
As soon as I get good
at "front hand, back hand",
273
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:02,957
you wanna stop playing.
274
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:04,097
Play what, man?
275
00:11:04,180 --> 00:11:06,326
I made it up so I could
smack you in the face.
276
00:11:06,409 --> 00:11:08,639
I'm about to smack you
in the face
277
00:11:08,874 --> 00:11:11,093
as soon as it's my turn.
Back hand!
278
00:11:11,177 --> 00:11:12,706
There ain't no turns,
[bleep],
279
00:11:12,810 --> 00:11:14,049
'cause it ain't no game.
280
00:11:14,132 --> 00:11:15,414
You ain't got no game,
[bleep].
281
00:11:15,497 --> 00:11:16,496
Back hand!
282
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:17,653
Aghh!
283
00:11:28,448 --> 00:11:29,577
Front hand.
284
00:11:30,530 --> 00:11:32,139
Look, I don't know
if you're [bleep] with me
285
00:11:32,222 --> 00:11:33,821
at this point or what...
286
00:11:34,622 --> 00:11:37,802
but I don't wanna...
smack a [bleep] no more.
287
00:11:41,282 --> 00:11:42,326
Where you going then?
288
00:11:42,409 --> 00:11:43,865
Okay, forfeit.
289
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:47,703
Forfeit, [bleep], I win!
I win front hand, back hand!
290
00:11:47,786 --> 00:11:49,203
Okay.
Me and you.
291
00:11:49,286 --> 00:11:51,196
[bleep], me and you.
Me and you.
292
00:11:51,827 --> 00:11:53,678
Hmm?
Back hand.
293
00:11:57,781 --> 00:11:58,781
Ah!
294
00:12:05,256 --> 00:12:06,256
Oh!
295
00:12:08,692 --> 00:12:10,981
This November,
you gotta get out and vote!
296
00:12:11,612 --> 00:12:13,541
It's all about democracy,
y'all.
297
00:12:13,624 --> 00:12:16,035
Your vote gets counted with
the rest of the votes in the country
298
00:12:16,118 --> 00:12:18,514
and they get sent off
to the Electoral College.
299
00:12:18,853 --> 00:12:19,941
What's that?
300
00:12:20,025 --> 00:12:22,197
The Electoral College
are a bunch of officials
301
00:12:22,280 --> 00:12:23,627
who do the voting for us.
302
00:12:23,710 --> 00:12:25,297
So in case we elect
the wrong person,
303
00:12:25,380 --> 00:12:27,267
they can fix that shiz!
304
00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:29,112
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up.
305
00:12:29,798 --> 00:12:32,646
- Who the hell are these people?
- Well, no one knows for sure,
306
00:12:32,729 --> 00:12:35,805
But whoever they is, they the folks
who actually do the real voting
307
00:12:35,888 --> 00:12:37,747
after we do our
pretend voting.
308
00:12:37,830 --> 00:12:38,917
Yeah!
309
00:12:39,000 --> 00:12:41,101
- Power to the...
- Hold the [bleep] on!
310
00:12:41,570 --> 00:12:43,617
You're telling me
our votes don't matter?
311
00:12:43,700 --> 00:12:45,887
Our votes are like
suggestions.
312
00:12:45,970 --> 00:12:47,587
So this November, we should...
313
00:12:47,670 --> 00:12:49,810
- Yeah!
- Dunk the vote!
314
00:12:56,899 --> 00:12:59,191
You know what I really hate?
When, uh...
315
00:12:59,507 --> 00:13:01,997
Girls be... it's usually
white girls to be honest.
316
00:13:02,081 --> 00:13:04,001
I don't mean to make it racial,
but it is. Sorry.
317
00:13:05,290 --> 00:13:08,161
White girls saying...
just dropping "awkward."
318
00:13:09,208 --> 00:13:10,307
"Awkward."
319
00:13:10,390 --> 00:13:12,771
Bitch, it wasn't awkward
till you said some [bleep].
320
00:13:18,311 --> 00:13:20,103
What... who are you
pointing at, sir?
321
00:13:21,236 --> 00:13:22,746
Oh, that's her?
She's doing the aw...
322
00:13:22,829 --> 00:13:24,032
- Did that happen yesterday?
- Same way.
323
00:13:24,115 --> 00:13:25,494
Same way.
324
00:13:25,578 --> 00:13:28,298
- And everybody was gonna let it go.
- Everyone was gonna let it go.
325
00:13:28,381 --> 00:13:30,540
- Everybody was gonna let it go.
- A moment of clarity.
326
00:13:30,623 --> 00:13:33,056
Oh, man. But she had to provide
a moment of clarity.
327
00:13:33,139 --> 00:13:35,471
She had to say...
"awkward."
328
00:13:37,005 --> 00:13:39,736
That is how black women do it,
with the little...
329
00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,325
- "Awkward."
- You ain't gon...
330
00:13:42,408 --> 00:13:46,596
I'm metaphorically
locking the car door on you.
331
00:13:47,634 --> 00:13:48,742
Bip.
332
00:13:49,976 --> 00:13:52,264
Tisket, tasket...
- This one back here.
333
00:13:52,347 --> 00:13:54,588
Green and yellow basket.
334
00:13:54,672 --> 00:13:56,181
- This is a limousine.
335
00:14:02,857 --> 00:14:04,925
Hello? Thanks for calling
Mario's Pizza.
336
00:14:05,029 --> 00:14:07,702
- This is Carlos speaking.
- Allo.
337
00:14:07,786 --> 00:14:11,475
We would like a large pie
338
00:14:11,615 --> 00:14:14,741
with pepperoni, pineapple,
and cheesy crust.
339
00:14:14,825 --> 00:14:18,112
Large pepperoni
with pineapple and cheesy crust.
340
00:14:18,196 --> 00:14:22,304
- We would also like
a large pie
341
00:14:22,632 --> 00:14:26,264
with bacon, pineapple,
and... cheesy crust.
342
00:14:26,347 --> 00:14:28,698
Large bacon, pineapple,
with cheesy crust. Okay.
343
00:14:28,782 --> 00:14:30,387
Is that gonna complete
your order, sir?
344
00:14:30,471 --> 00:14:32,130
You know what?
Let me gauge the room.
345
00:14:32,214 --> 00:14:34,657
Uh, guys, are we gonna want
another pizza?
346
00:14:34,728 --> 00:14:36,488
Let me just... who's hungry?
Show of hands.
347
00:14:36,571 --> 00:14:39,494
Let me see 'em.
One, two, three...
348
00:14:39,578 --> 00:14:42,267
Keep' em up.
Four, five, six.
349
00:14:42,350 --> 00:14:45,927
- Ah, having a party. (chuckling)
- Yup. Pretty big one too.
350
00:14:46,010 --> 00:14:49,597
Come on, guys, keep 'em up.
Hugo? Summer? Hans? Fu?
351
00:14:49,680 --> 00:14:51,323
You know what,
let's play it safe.
352
00:14:51,694 --> 00:14:54,821
Let's get another pie
with ham, pineapple.
353
00:14:54,904 --> 00:14:56,376
All right, ham...
354
00:14:56,459 --> 00:14:58,204
Oh, are you guys gonna need
cheesy crust on the third?
355
00:14:58,287 --> 00:15:00,087
Good question.
I'll gauge the room.
356
00:15:00,175 --> 00:15:03,634
Hey, guys, do we want
cheesy crust on the third?
357
00:15:03,718 --> 00:15:05,247
Okay, yeesh.
358
00:15:05,330 --> 00:15:07,828
That is a resounding yes
359
00:15:07,911 --> 00:15:10,211
for cheesy crust on the third.
360
00:15:10,329 --> 00:15:12,614
Claire says you read her mind.
361
00:15:12,697 --> 00:15:14,367
Claire, huh?
I like that name.
362
00:15:14,551 --> 00:15:15,762
It's a good one.
363
00:15:15,865 --> 00:15:18,837
Oh, also, my boy Andy over here
364
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,702
is saying you have something
called chicken poppers.
365
00:15:21,785 --> 00:15:24,182
- Is she cute?
- Uh, who's that and what now?
366
00:15:24,360 --> 00:15:26,102
- Claire.
- Oh.
367
00:15:28,154 --> 00:15:29,641
Her body's like a four.
368
00:15:29,790 --> 00:15:33,047
- Anyway, we would also--
- H-H-How do you mean?
369
00:15:35,188 --> 00:15:38,358
Ha, let's just say
she's kind of a big girl.
370
00:15:38,442 --> 00:15:39,829
That's all good.
371
00:15:39,912 --> 00:15:42,785
That's all superficial, man.
I like Claire for what's inside.
372
00:15:42,869 --> 00:15:44,870
- You don't even know Claire.
- Yo, but for real though,
373
00:15:44,953 --> 00:15:46,993
I feel like
I do know Claire, man.
374
00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:48,915
Put me on the phone
with her.
375
00:15:50,383 --> 00:15:51,399
Uh...
376
00:15:52,546 --> 00:15:55,496
You don't need
to speak to Claire.
377
00:15:55,611 --> 00:15:56,823
No, I do.
378
00:15:59,187 --> 00:16:01,910
You know what,
I gotta level with you, man.
379
00:16:02,547 --> 00:16:05,144
I... [bleep] her.
380
00:16:05,589 --> 00:16:07,245
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.
381
00:16:07,329 --> 00:16:10,047
I didn't mean to get
in between you guys.
382
00:16:10,130 --> 00:16:12,891
No, it's quite all right.
383
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,472
'Twas a while ago...
384
00:16:15,555 --> 00:16:17,250
Before she blimped up.
385
00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:20,581
My current girlfriend's Liv.
386
00:16:20,937 --> 00:16:24,806
Body, ten.
Face, ten.
387
00:16:26,550 --> 00:16:30,960
But anyway, Claire... Yeah.
I hit that, sexually.
388
00:16:31,665 --> 00:16:34,064
And, uh, as did my boy Hugo.
389
00:16:34,147 --> 00:16:36,237
Hell, even Bobba got
some of that.
390
00:16:36,330 --> 00:16:39,870
So just wanted you to know,
used goods, used goods.
391
00:16:40,160 --> 00:16:42,134
So you wouldn't care
if I asked her out?
392
00:16:42,747 --> 00:16:44,255
Well...
393
00:16:45,333 --> 00:16:46,734
Let me do it for you.
394
00:16:46,817 --> 00:16:48,743
Hey, Claire, this guy from
the pizza place wants to date you.
395
00:16:48,826 --> 00:16:50,661
Too poor? All right,
I'll let him down easy.
396
00:16:50,744 --> 00:16:52,386
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
No.
397
00:16:54,511 --> 00:16:57,899
Tell her that, no,
I'm not a rich man.
398
00:16:57,982 --> 00:17:00,382
But I'm a good man.
Tell her,
399
00:17:00,473 --> 00:17:02,608
"Claire, I believe in destiny.
400
00:17:03,339 --> 00:17:06,036
"And I believe
that we've always known
401
00:17:06,119 --> 00:17:08,150
"that our soul mate
was out there.
402
00:17:08,248 --> 00:17:11,207
"The moment that we had
that unspoken connection
403
00:17:11,290 --> 00:17:12,807
"about the cheesy crust...
404
00:17:13,565 --> 00:17:15,965
"I realized that you were
always the one.
405
00:17:16,908 --> 00:17:20,089
"Because... and I know
this sounds corny...
406
00:17:20,939 --> 00:17:22,307
"but that moment...
407
00:17:23,835 --> 00:17:25,135
"was just like...
408
00:17:27,309 --> 00:17:28,156
"simple."
409
00:17:34,403 --> 00:17:35,220
Wow.
410
00:17:35,950 --> 00:17:37,750
You really do care
about Claire.
411
00:17:40,084 --> 00:17:41,235
I do.
412
00:17:42,288 --> 00:17:44,164
Oh, my God!
Claire just got shot!
413
00:17:44,247 --> 00:17:45,491
- What? No!
- Oh!
414
00:17:45,574 --> 00:17:47,149
Oh! It just came through the window.
It was a bullet.
415
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:48,363
It hit her in the neck. Oh...
416
00:17:48,446 --> 00:17:50,033
Claire's down!
She's dead!
417
00:17:50,116 --> 00:17:52,185
She's dead! I'm calling the cops!
She's dead!
418
00:17:52,340 --> 00:17:58,764
Claire!
Noooo!
419
00:18:02,674 --> 00:18:04,444
Chinese it is.
420
00:18:08,955 --> 00:18:11,958
One thing that fascinates us
is that like any movie
421
00:18:12,042 --> 00:18:15,742
- like The Help or...
- Glory.
422
00:18:15,826 --> 00:18:17,800
We call 'em like
"white man's burden" movies,
423
00:18:17,883 --> 00:18:19,069
'cause you know...
424
00:18:19,166 --> 00:18:20,909
White people go see
these movies,
425
00:18:20,992 --> 00:18:22,361
and then they come out
and they're like,
426
00:18:22,444 --> 00:18:25,819
"racism is alive!
Face it in the eyes!
427
00:18:27,925 --> 00:18:31,451
"Racism's still here
and I'm not taking it anymore!"
428
00:18:32,832 --> 00:18:36,834
Like I need to do a Def Jam
white guy voice, right?
429
00:18:37,908 --> 00:18:40,936
It's like Def Jam white guy
bordering on Jimmy Stewart.
430
00:19:02,731 --> 00:19:05,557
- Are you Ms. Tubman?
- The name's Harriet.
431
00:19:06,233 --> 00:19:07,255
Well, thank God in heaven
432
00:19:07,338 --> 00:19:08,938
for the work
that you're doing, Harriet.
433
00:19:09,521 --> 00:19:12,976
Before you thank me,
let me tell you.
434
00:19:14,038 --> 00:19:16,771
I've led hundreds of slaves
to freedom
435
00:19:16,854 --> 00:19:19,710
through this here
underground railroad.
436
00:19:21,254 --> 00:19:25,154
But it ain't gon' be easy.
Are you ready?
437
00:19:27,210 --> 00:19:28,343
All right.
438
00:19:29,063 --> 00:19:31,101
Then hike up your breeches
439
00:19:31,184 --> 00:19:35,952
and follow me to freedom!
440
00:19:54,407 --> 00:19:56,432
Watch this, black molasses!
441
00:20:10,921 --> 00:20:12,774
Well, where is she now?
442
00:20:16,808 --> 00:20:18,625
That was the easy part.
443
00:20:18,709 --> 00:20:19,983
Now stay close.
444
00:20:20,066 --> 00:20:23,289
This next 500 miles
gets a little sticky.
445
00:20:23,758 --> 00:20:25,342
Ah!
446
00:20:27,463 --> 00:20:30,227
Forget this, man.
I'm going back.
447
00:20:39,193 --> 00:20:41,463
Thank you.
448
00:20:44,561 --> 00:20:46,231
Thank you so much, everybody.
449
00:20:46,315 --> 00:20:49,101
Everybody, thank you so much.
You've been a great audience...
450
00:20:49,184 --> 00:20:51,529
sexually, so...
451
00:20:52,077 --> 00:20:54,677
Good night!
Good night. Take care.
452
00:20:55,371 --> 00:20:58,813
Sync & corrections by dwigt
www.addic7ed.com
453
00:20:58,953 --> 00:21:01,523
I'm gonna do
my one line here
454
00:21:01,634 --> 00:21:03,464
Oh, yeah.
455
00:21:05,543 --> 00:21:07,847
True story: I actually
456
00:21:08,011 --> 00:21:10,066
convinced some kids I was african once.
457
00:21:10,605 --> 00:21:13,292
Just because, I was so bad at basketball,
458
00:21:14,128 --> 00:21:17,346
I knew they'd bought "I nevew
played the game befowe in my life".
459
00:21:20,598 --> 00:21:22,299
Resync BluRay by LeRalouf
460
00:21:22,349 --> 00:21:26,899
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
34426
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