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1
00:00:04,922 --> 00:00:11,262
[Cell phones chiming, beeping]
2
00:00:15,224 --> 00:00:18,104
[Upbeat dance music]
3
00:00:18,227 --> 00:00:25,107
♪ ♪
4
00:00:25,234 --> 00:00:26,654
- Race war!
5
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:30,607
It's a goddamn
race war!
6
00:00:30,739 --> 00:00:33,739
[Gunshots]
7
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,157
[Indistinct shouting]
8
00:00:35,285 --> 00:00:38,405
[Car alarm wails]
9
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,249
- Flash mob...
flash mob canceled.
10
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:41,874
The flash mob is canceled.
11
00:00:42,000 --> 00:00:44,880
[Soul music]
12
00:00:45,003 --> 00:00:53,013
♪ ♪
13
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:06,020
[cheers and applause]
14
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:10,742
- Oh, my goodness.
Thank you.
15
00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:14,243
Thank you.
16
00:01:14,366 --> 00:01:15,486
That's plenty.
17
00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:16,907
- Thank you so much
for coming out.
18
00:01:17,035 --> 00:01:18,655
Welcome to the show.
I am Keegan.
19
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,327
- I am Jordan.
- And this is Key & Peele.
20
00:01:20,456 --> 00:01:24,376
- Yep.
- Thank you for coming.
21
00:01:24,501 --> 00:01:28,341
- And we have had a fantastic
time on our first season.
22
00:01:28,464 --> 00:01:30,514
The first season
of Key & Peele, our brand...
23
00:01:30,632 --> 00:01:33,512
Mm-hmm, nope.
24
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:36,135
And, uh,
this is happening, okay.
25
00:01:36,263 --> 00:01:38,013
- Yep, just destroyed
all the muscles
26
00:01:38,140 --> 00:01:39,470
in this pectoral area.
27
00:01:39,600 --> 00:01:41,140
- Nope, did not.
- Yes, I did.
28
00:01:41,268 --> 00:01:42,638
- Actually did not
do that.
29
00:01:42,770 --> 00:01:44,020
He plays these games
while we're trying
30
00:01:44,146 --> 00:01:45,646
to actually
get something done.
31
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:48,653
Can't acknowledge it.
32
00:01:48,776 --> 00:01:50,356
Don't know.
33
00:01:50,486 --> 00:01:51,856
- I don't even understand
how he's still talking.
34
00:01:51,987 --> 00:01:53,397
I just paralyzed him
with my kung fu fingers,
35
00:01:53,530 --> 00:01:54,990
so I don't know
how he's speaking.
36
00:01:55,115 --> 00:01:58,115
- I am talking, so clearly
wasn't paralyzed.
37
00:01:58,243 --> 00:02:00,453
Doesn't hurt,
doesn't... yeah.
38
00:02:00,579 --> 00:02:02,209
- Right there.
- Nope, didn't do anything.
39
00:02:02,331 --> 00:02:04,001
- His eye's going to pop
out of his head right now, so...
40
00:02:04,124 --> 00:02:05,544
- You want to ignore this.
- Pressure points.
41
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:06,997
- If you ignore it,
it will stop eventually.
42
00:02:07,127 --> 00:02:08,417
Really, you can't sink
to his level.
43
00:02:08,545 --> 00:02:10,165
That's the main key.
44
00:02:10,297 --> 00:02:14,177
You can't...
you can't cave in,
45
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:16,931
because after a while...
46
00:02:17,054 --> 00:02:18,514
after a while,
he's just going to...
47
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:22,269
You know, the best
thing to do...
48
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:24,232
Sometimes you just
gotta walk away.
49
00:02:24,353 --> 00:02:26,443
And your scrotum
exploded.
50
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:30,653
- Oh! Oh-ho-ho!
[Cheers and applause]
51
00:02:30,776 --> 00:02:34,066
- [Laughing]
Coolio, man.
52
00:02:34,196 --> 00:02:35,776
Oh, yeah, "soitainly."
53
00:02:35,906 --> 00:02:37,866
Oh, hey,
I gotta go.
54
00:02:37,991 --> 00:02:39,451
Yeah, Terry out.
55
00:02:39,576 --> 00:02:40,986
- Terry,
how you doing, man?
56
00:02:41,119 --> 00:02:42,249
- Hey, pretty good,
Gabe.
57
00:02:42,371 --> 00:02:44,331
Oh, got something
on your shirt.
58
00:02:45,457 --> 00:02:47,457
- Not today, Terry.
59
00:02:50,337 --> 00:02:54,627
- Looks like Gabe's
come out to play.
60
00:02:54,758 --> 00:02:56,258
You do have something
on your shirt though.
61
00:02:56,385 --> 00:02:58,255
- No, I don't.
- Yeah, you kind of do.
62
00:02:58,387 --> 00:02:59,927
- No, I'm pretty sure I don't.
- Got a clean shirt at my desk
63
00:03:00,055 --> 00:03:01,255
if you want me
to get it for you.
64
00:03:01,390 --> 00:03:02,890
- Don't see why
that would be necessary.
65
00:03:03,016 --> 00:03:04,306
- Really? Because the shirt
you have on right now,
66
00:03:04,434 --> 00:03:05,894
it's not clean.
- Except for that it is.
67
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,439
- Me, I have a clean shirt.
- Oh.
68
00:03:07,563 --> 00:03:09,363
- You, you have some schmutz
on your jammy-jam.
69
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:13,321
- No, there is no schmutz
on my jammy-jam.
70
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,823
- You know what?
Why don't I just get it for you?
71
00:03:15,946 --> 00:03:18,106
- Yeah, why don't you do that?
- Yeah.
72
00:03:19,199 --> 00:03:20,909
- [Clears throat]
73
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,954
- And there we go.
74
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:24,448
- Did you get it?
75
00:03:26,081 --> 00:03:29,171
- [Laughing]
76
00:03:29,293 --> 00:03:31,343
I almost got you.
- Yeah.
77
00:03:31,461 --> 00:03:33,711
- I was that close.
- Almost, yeah.
78
00:03:33,839 --> 00:03:36,049
- I mean, I'm thinking,
"Damn, he's good."
79
00:03:36,174 --> 00:03:37,684
[Both laughing]
80
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:38,931
But you know what
the funny thing is?
81
00:03:39,052 --> 00:03:40,182
- What's that?
82
00:03:40,304 --> 00:03:42,224
- Now I guess
from when I dabbed
83
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:43,967
your shirt
with the paper towel,
84
00:03:44,099 --> 00:03:46,179
and I'm not playing
the game right now,
85
00:03:46,310 --> 00:03:48,230
but I actually... I must have got
some paper-towel fuzz
86
00:03:48,353 --> 00:03:50,563
on your shirt, so...
87
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:53,569
[dramatic music]
88
00:03:53,692 --> 00:04:00,702
♪ ♪
89
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:05,868
- Hey, how long has Karen been
wearing her hair up like that?
90
00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,809
[Dramatic music]
91
00:04:24,932 --> 00:04:30,812
♪ ♪
92
00:04:30,938 --> 00:04:32,398
- Shh.
93
00:04:52,918 --> 00:04:54,418
I don't want you
to have to go through that.
94
00:04:54,544 --> 00:04:56,304
And I'm sorry
it happened.
95
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:58,131
- Hey, Terry,
what's going on?
96
00:04:59,508 --> 00:05:01,628
- Uh, nothing.
- Having a good morning?
97
00:05:01,760 --> 00:05:03,140
- Ye...
- I'm having a fuckin'
98
00:05:03,261 --> 00:05:05,051
terrific morning.
99
00:05:05,180 --> 00:05:07,100
- Great.
100
00:05:07,224 --> 00:05:08,604
- Hope there's nothing
on my shirt.
101
00:05:08,725 --> 00:05:12,055
'Cause I can't
look down.
102
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:16,397
- Oh, no, dude, we're not doing
that right now, okay?
103
00:05:16,525 --> 00:05:17,725
There's nothing
on your shirt.
104
00:05:17,859 --> 00:05:19,149
No one cares
about your shirt.
105
00:05:19,277 --> 00:05:21,447
Everything's not
about you.
106
00:05:21,571 --> 00:05:23,361
I'm trying to have
a conversation
107
00:05:23,490 --> 00:05:25,320
with Karen
right now, so...
108
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:35,285
- You okay, Terry?
- It just pisses me off.
109
00:05:42,926 --> 00:05:45,926
[Cell phone vibrates]
110
00:05:52,227 --> 00:05:55,097
[Dramatic music]
111
00:05:55,230 --> 00:06:01,570
♪ ♪
112
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,525
- [screams]
113
00:06:07,826 --> 00:06:09,826
I got it.
I got it.
114
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:12,583
There's no way
you're gonna do it right now.
115
00:06:12,706 --> 00:06:15,036
Oh, yeah, yeah,
I do have schmutz.
116
00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:17,707
There's schmutz
all over me now.
117
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,206
He can't deny that.
118
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:20,837
Terry's not going to know
what hit him.
119
00:06:20,964 --> 00:06:23,474
[Laughs]
I will win! I win!
120
00:06:23,592 --> 00:06:26,472
[Dramatic music]
121
00:06:26,595 --> 00:06:34,595
♪ ♪
122
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:40,692
What...
what happened?
123
00:06:40,817 --> 00:06:43,277
- Terry died.
124
00:06:43,403 --> 00:06:51,413
♪ ♪
125
00:07:00,629 --> 00:07:03,839
- Be right back.
126
00:07:08,345 --> 00:07:11,095
Hey, Terry.
127
00:07:11,223 --> 00:07:14,393
It's Gabe.
128
00:07:14,518 --> 00:07:19,148
I, um, just wanted
to let you know that, um,
129
00:07:21,817 --> 00:07:24,107
that you didn't get me,
Terry.
130
00:07:24,236 --> 00:07:25,606
You didn't get me,
131
00:07:25,737 --> 00:07:27,357
because on the day
that you died,
132
00:07:27,489 --> 00:07:30,119
there was schmutz
on my shirt.
133
00:07:30,242 --> 00:07:32,202
So guess who wins
the game, Terry.
134
00:07:32,327 --> 00:07:35,537
I do. I win.
[Laughing]
135
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:37,584
You lose!
136
00:07:37,707 --> 00:07:38,787
Aah!
137
00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:41,787
[Dramatic music]
138
00:07:41,920 --> 00:07:49,930
♪ ♪
139
00:07:53,598 --> 00:07:57,138
[crying]
Oh, Terry.
140
00:07:57,269 --> 00:07:59,349
He flicked me.
141
00:08:07,404 --> 00:08:10,034
- You ever not tell somebody
that you haven't seen a film
142
00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:11,697
because of how they react
143
00:08:11,825 --> 00:08:13,325
when they find out
you haven't seen it?
144
00:08:13,451 --> 00:08:14,701
- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.
145
00:08:14,828 --> 00:08:16,288
You know
what I'm talking about.
146
00:08:16,413 --> 00:08:18,293
- I've done it.
- Yeah.
147
00:08:18,415 --> 00:08:19,915
People completely
flip out,
148
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,421
and they freak out
and everything about the movie.
149
00:08:22,544 --> 00:08:23,794
- Dude, you do it.
- It's like, it's just a movie.
150
00:08:23,920 --> 00:08:25,340
- You do it.
- I don't do it.
151
00:08:25,463 --> 00:08:26,883
- You've done it to me.
- When have I done it?
152
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,627
- The Wiz.
153
00:08:28,758 --> 00:08:31,138
- How have you not seen
The Wiz?
154
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,511
- This is what I'm talking
about, by the way.
155
00:08:32,637 --> 00:08:34,387
- How haven't you seen
The Wiz?
156
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,064
Everybody has seen
The Wiz.
157
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,523
- I haven't seen it.
Why do I have to see that?
158
00:08:38,643 --> 00:08:40,693
- Why?
Because you are black.
159
00:08:40,812 --> 00:08:42,482
- Okay.
160
00:08:42,606 --> 00:08:44,566
- You see, there's five
movies you have to see.
161
00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,981
It's very simple, Jordan,
they're all one-word titles...
162
00:08:47,110 --> 00:08:51,070
Shaft, Wiz, Friday,
Juice, and Roots.
163
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,408
[Laughter]
164
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:56,993
[Cheers and applause]
165
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:01,078
- Isn't Roots, like,
ten hours long?
166
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:02,788
- No, you didn't...
no, you're telling me
167
00:09:02,918 --> 00:09:05,288
you haven't seen Roots.
168
00:09:05,420 --> 00:09:08,130
- Dude, this is what
I'm talking about.
169
00:09:11,384 --> 00:09:14,264
[Dance music]
170
00:09:14,387 --> 00:09:16,887
♪ ♪
171
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:19,805
Oop, uh, 'scuse,
pardon me.
172
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:23,398
- Hey, player.
- How you doing, man?
173
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,441
- Hey, can I make a request?
- For sure, man.
174
00:09:25,565 --> 00:09:27,395
What are you looking for?
- Hey, man.
175
00:09:27,525 --> 00:09:29,685
Hook a brother up
with some old school.
176
00:09:29,819 --> 00:09:31,149
- Oh, yeah,
all right, word.
177
00:09:31,279 --> 00:09:33,359
Okay, what you looking for...
Biggie, Tupac?
178
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,490
- Biggie, Tupac?
179
00:09:35,617 --> 00:09:37,447
Come on, man,
that's too new.
180
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:40,077
I'm talking
about that old school, man.
181
00:09:40,205 --> 00:09:41,705
You know
what I'm talking about.
182
00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:44,121
- I thought I did, man,
but, like, uh, Wu-Tang Clan?
183
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,291
- Pshh.
Wu-Tang Clan?
184
00:09:46,419 --> 00:09:48,879
Come on, man,
those fools just came out.
185
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:51,465
Hook a brother up
with some of that old school.
186
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:55,391
- Okay, I don't know what
you looking for, man. N.W. A?
187
00:09:55,512 --> 00:09:58,312
- N.W. A?
188
00:09:58,431 --> 00:10:01,391
Come on, man, what do
I look like, a kid out there?
189
00:10:01,518 --> 00:10:04,398
Talking about the N.W.A.,
fo' shizzle, my nizzle,
190
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:06,651
criss-cross, applesauce,
Who's the Boss?
191
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,323
Tony Danza at a loss.
192
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:10,031
I don't know it, all right?
193
00:10:10,151 --> 00:10:12,441
I'm talking
about that old school.
194
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:14,150
- Okay, you know what?
195
00:10:14,281 --> 00:10:15,701
That's my bad,
old man, all right?
196
00:10:15,824 --> 00:10:17,414
We gonna take it back,
all right?
197
00:10:17,534 --> 00:10:19,124
I'm gonna bust out some Run-DMC
for you right now.
198
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,414
- Run-DMC?
199
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:24,288
[Snickering]
200
00:10:26,334 --> 00:10:30,094
Come on, man, I don't know
about none of this Run-DMC,
201
00:10:30,213 --> 00:10:32,383
wouldn't want to be a,
onomatopoeia,
202
00:10:32,507 --> 00:10:35,217
grab a donkey by the toe,
give him gonorrhea.
203
00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,683
I don't know it,
all right?
204
00:10:36,803 --> 00:10:38,433
All I know
is some old school.
205
00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,005
And if you can't give it to me,
you can't give it to me.
206
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:42,220
- Come on, man,
Run-DMC is old school.
207
00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:43,810
- Ahh.
208
00:10:43,935 --> 00:10:46,185
- Well, can you name a group?
- You the DJ, man.
209
00:10:46,313 --> 00:10:47,773
I ain't trying to tell you
how to do your job.
210
00:10:47,897 --> 00:10:51,107
- Grandmaster Flash.
- Oh, man, Grandmaster Fla...
211
00:10:51,234 --> 00:10:52,534
you sounding like
a kid yourself,
212
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,782
talking about
Grandmaster Flash to the...
213
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:57,114
[rapping gibberish]
214
00:10:57,240 --> 00:10:59,410
Don't stop the boogie to the
bang bang boogie to upchuck...
215
00:10:59,534 --> 00:11:01,664
Why people talking
about upchuck?
216
00:11:01,786 --> 00:11:03,196
- Sugarhill Gang.
217
00:11:03,330 --> 00:11:04,830
- Brother, how we end up
in Candyland?
218
00:11:04,956 --> 00:11:06,456
- You know what, man?
219
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,833
If you want some old school,
then you come back here
220
00:11:08,960 --> 00:11:10,590
and find it yourself.
221
00:11:10,712 --> 00:11:13,962
I'm going on break.
222
00:11:14,090 --> 00:11:16,180
- All right, then, well,
get myself back here right here.
223
00:11:16,301 --> 00:11:17,551
See what's going on
back here.
224
00:11:17,677 --> 00:11:19,137
What we got?
What we got?
225
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:20,762
Let's see...
nope, nope, nope, nope,
226
00:11:20,889 --> 00:11:23,309
nope, nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.
227
00:11:23,433 --> 00:11:26,563
Ah, there,
now we talking.
228
00:11:29,522 --> 00:11:31,232
[1920s jazz music]
229
00:11:31,358 --> 00:11:33,778
Aw, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.
230
00:11:33,902 --> 00:11:36,112
Ah, yeah.
231
00:11:36,237 --> 00:11:38,157
Daddy.
232
00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,121
Got to pull it.
They got to pull it.
233
00:11:40,241 --> 00:11:41,531
They got to pull it.
They got to pull it.
234
00:11:41,659 --> 00:11:42,699
They got to pull it.
235
00:11:42,827 --> 00:11:46,327
- What the fuck
is happening?
236
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,009
- There he is.
- Hey, hey, hey, what's up?
237
00:11:56,132 --> 00:11:57,802
- Hey, man.
What up, man?
238
00:11:57,926 --> 00:11:59,586
- Hey, here's the deal.
239
00:11:59,719 --> 00:12:04,309
100%, grass-fed Japanese
Kobe beef, $35 a pound.
240
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:05,472
- That's what
I'm talking about.
241
00:12:05,600 --> 00:12:06,810
- Mm-hmm.
- All right.
242
00:12:06,935 --> 00:12:08,845
Let's grill
these little homeys up.
243
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,858
- Right, all right. Oh, man.
Is that ground chuck, man?
244
00:12:11,981 --> 00:12:13,981
No offense, I ain't
trying to park my Bentley
245
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:16,399
next to your Toyota,
you know what I'm saying?
246
00:12:16,528 --> 00:12:18,238
- Come on, man.
- Oh, you just putting them
247
00:12:18,363 --> 00:12:19,743
right next
to the frozen patties.
248
00:12:19,864 --> 00:12:21,324
Yeah, all right.
249
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:22,909
- Hey, relax, man.
I'm gonna cook them good.
250
00:12:23,034 --> 00:12:24,334
- Okay, yeah.
251
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:26,372
- All right, so how's
Teresa doing?
252
00:12:26,496 --> 00:12:27,956
- She's good. She's good.
She's sad she couldn't be here.
253
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:29,791
You know,
she's got a closing today.
254
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,746
You want to flash-cook those
because they're real lean.
255
00:12:31,876 --> 00:12:33,586
You know,
they're grass-fed.
256
00:12:33,711 --> 00:12:35,751
So you just want to probably
flip them right... right now.
257
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:37,800
All right.
258
00:12:37,924 --> 00:12:39,174
- Hey, who wants cheese
on their burger?
259
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:40,720
- Nobody, nobody.
Nobody wants cheese.
260
00:12:40,844 --> 00:12:42,264
- Anybody want
a double burger?
261
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:43,967
- No, nobody wants
a double burger.
262
00:12:44,097 --> 00:12:46,467
That's like putting
a diamond ring on a pig hoof.
263
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,519
I'm sorry, but the grass
that these cows ate
264
00:12:48,643 --> 00:12:51,853
costs more than this house.
- All right, no double burgers.
265
00:12:51,980 --> 00:12:53,860
- No double burgers...
- Hey, what the hell?
266
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,232
- You may as well
just poop on that.
267
00:12:55,358 --> 00:12:56,478
- What?
268
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:58,779
- You just ketchup-raped
my Kobe burger.
269
00:12:58,903 --> 00:13:02,033
This was a mistake.
This... no, no.
270
00:13:02,157 --> 00:13:03,817
No, no. Uh-uh. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no.
271
00:13:03,950 --> 00:13:06,160
See, this meat
came all the way over here
272
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,866
from the Pacific Ocean
by boat
273
00:13:09,998 --> 00:13:14,248
because the air pressure
wouldn't ruin its integrity.
274
00:13:14,377 --> 00:13:15,627
Give me that.
275
00:13:15,753 --> 00:13:19,133
You are not worthy.
Gimme that burger.
276
00:13:19,257 --> 00:13:20,917
This is ridiculous.
This is 126... oh!
277
00:13:21,050 --> 00:13:23,720
This little mother...
278
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:27,095
$126 worth of beef.
279
00:13:27,223 --> 00:13:30,233
Y'all are not worthy.
280
00:13:30,351 --> 00:13:32,731
- Did he take my dog?
281
00:13:36,774 --> 00:13:38,534
So you know what
white people hate?
282
00:13:38,651 --> 00:13:40,901
Being called racist.
- Yes.
283
00:13:41,029 --> 00:13:43,279
White people flip out...
284
00:13:43,406 --> 00:13:44,446
- They hate it.
- When you call them a racist.
285
00:13:44,574 --> 00:13:46,244
- It's like, "I am not."
286
00:13:46,367 --> 00:13:48,617
- "I am not a racist."
287
00:13:48,745 --> 00:13:51,575
Racist is the "N" word
for white people.
288
00:13:51,706 --> 00:13:54,626
- Yes, it is.
[Cheers and applause]
289
00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:56,711
- Nothing else works.
290
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,246
Cracker didn't work.
- Nope.
291
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:00,169
- Honky didn't work.
- Sounds too fun.
292
00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,878
- Old fang, whatever that
means, didn't work.
293
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,628
- I've never
even heard that.
294
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,550
But we're good at, like,
figuring out how to use that.
295
00:14:05,678 --> 00:14:07,508
It's like a Jedi mind trick.
It goes like this.
296
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,469
Be a white guy.
Say something white.
297
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:10,889
- Okay, all right.
- Okay.
298
00:14:11,017 --> 00:14:12,557
- Excuse me, sir,
you can't bring
299
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:14,475
an outside beverage
into the theater.
300
00:14:14,604 --> 00:14:15,654
- Racist.
- Right this way.
301
00:14:15,772 --> 00:14:18,362
[Cheers and applause]
302
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:21,033
Just like that.
303
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:22,322
So I just finished
episode four.
304
00:14:22,445 --> 00:14:24,855
- Okay, so the Lannisters...
- Yep.
305
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:27,069
- Are the blonde people.
- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
306
00:14:27,200 --> 00:14:28,780
- And the female Lannister
is married
307
00:14:28,910 --> 00:14:31,540
to Robert Barantheon,
who is the king.
308
00:14:31,663 --> 00:14:33,253
- Is it Barantheon
or Baratheon?
309
00:14:33,373 --> 00:14:34,673
- Right, right.
310
00:14:34,791 --> 00:14:38,711
- And then the other
blonde girl is the, um...
311
00:14:38,836 --> 00:14:40,666
- Can I get you something?
312
00:14:40,797 --> 00:14:42,417
- Oh, I don't know, um,
313
00:14:42,549 --> 00:14:45,799
three kamikaze shots,
whatever.
314
00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:48,677
Oh, my God, I can't believe
he just did that.
315
00:14:48,805 --> 00:14:50,135
- What's that?
316
00:14:50,265 --> 00:14:51,845
- Served me
before you guys.
317
00:14:51,975 --> 00:14:54,935
I'm really against that.
I'm so sorry.
318
00:14:55,061 --> 00:14:57,521
- No, it's okay.
We, uh... we've got beers.
319
00:14:57,647 --> 00:15:02,147
- No, I mean, I'm sorry
about everything.
320
00:15:02,277 --> 00:15:03,987
- Oh, that's fine.
It's fine.
321
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:07,412
- No, no, it's been
100 years of not fine.
322
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:09,122
I mean,
20 years ago,
323
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,792
you guys wouldn't have even
been allowed in here.
324
00:15:11,911 --> 00:15:14,791
- 20 years...
that would be 1992.
325
00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:21,127
- You're both
really beautiful.
326
00:15:21,254 --> 00:15:22,594
- Oh, she's done.
327
00:15:22,714 --> 00:15:24,384
- That just happened,
didn't it?
328
00:15:24,507 --> 00:15:26,927
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, amazing.
329
00:15:27,051 --> 00:15:28,431
Where were we?
- So the Lannisters...
330
00:15:28,553 --> 00:15:29,893
- Okay.
- She's the queen.
331
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,763
- Jaime Lannister
is the other one.
332
00:15:31,889 --> 00:15:33,389
- Jaime and...
- Yo, yo, yo, what up, man?
333
00:15:33,516 --> 00:15:35,766
Hey, give me another lager,
you know what I mean?
334
00:15:35,893 --> 00:15:39,023
Spilled my last one on my Tribe
shirt... can you believe that?
335
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,817
But whatevs,
got this thing in '93...
336
00:15:41,941 --> 00:15:44,611
Midnight Marauders tour.
Check that out.
337
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,316
It's everywhere. Oh, man.
- Mm-hmm.
338
00:15:46,446 --> 00:15:49,906
- Hey, uh, who's your
favorite member of Tribe?
339
00:15:50,033 --> 00:15:52,993
- Smok... smoke... Smokey.
Know what I mean?
340
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:56,789
Love him, dude, more behind
the scenes, but he was, like...
341
00:15:56,914 --> 00:15:58,794
All right, good.
See you guys around though.
342
00:15:58,916 --> 00:16:00,496
- Mm-hmm. Okay.
- Cool.
343
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,627
- One more, one more, one more.
Come on, son.
344
00:16:02,754 --> 00:16:05,264
Boom.
All right, late.
345
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,721
- Oh, he spun. He spun.
- Wow.
346
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,932
Second person to not wait
for their drink, by the way.
347
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,183
- Yep.
348
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:12,724
Okay, let me
ask you this, then.
349
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:14,427
What's with
the barbarian dude
350
00:16:14,557 --> 00:16:16,097
who looks like
a huge Dave Navarro?
351
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:17,425
- Okay.
- Who's that guy?
352
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,100
- Oh...
353
00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:22,148
I need a drink. [chuckles]
Just finished Amistad.
354
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,323
I saw it 3 times,
and I'll see it 100 more times
355
00:16:24,442 --> 00:16:25,822
because, like,
I'm happy to do it.
356
00:16:25,943 --> 00:16:27,693
If that's what
those guys went through,
357
00:16:27,820 --> 00:16:29,950
I'm happy to sit through it,
you know, 300 more times
358
00:16:30,073 --> 00:16:31,533
or whatever,
you know, it takes.
359
00:16:31,658 --> 00:16:33,028
- Yeah, it's pretty intense.
360
00:16:33,159 --> 00:16:35,159
- See, my thing is,
is, like, I don't think
361
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:37,866
one person should own
another person, period.
362
00:16:37,997 --> 00:16:39,407
- I'm glad that that's what
you got from that movie.
363
00:16:39,540 --> 00:16:41,250
- That's a true statement.
364
00:16:41,376 --> 00:16:42,746
- Yeah, I mean, I don't care
when it happened, all right?
365
00:16:42,877 --> 00:16:44,667
It should never happen.
It should never occur.
366
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,046
But, like, I'm preaching
to the choir.
367
00:16:46,172 --> 00:16:47,592
You guys know
what I'm talking about.
368
00:16:47,715 --> 00:16:49,165
- Yeah, we do.
- Yeah, we do.
369
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,010
- It's like, why did
anybody even do that?
370
00:16:51,135 --> 00:16:52,635
I'm like, "No, you didn't.
No, you didn't.
371
00:16:52,762 --> 00:16:54,262
What you doing, girlfriend?
No, you didn't."
372
00:16:54,389 --> 00:16:56,349
I'm ashamed.
- You know what?
373
00:16:56,474 --> 00:16:58,354
It's really probably okay
because you weren't there.
374
00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:01,476
- Okay, well, we can come up
with excuses all day, all day.
375
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:04,614
- It's not an excuse so much.
- Let's just not do that.
376
00:17:04,732 --> 00:17:05,982
Let's not do that.
377
00:17:06,109 --> 00:17:07,899
- Look, hey,
bottom line, we cool.
378
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,487
Right?
- Yeah.
379
00:17:09,612 --> 00:17:10,742
- All right.
- Yeah, we are cool.
380
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,703
- We're kickity-cool?
- Yes.
381
00:17:12,824 --> 00:17:14,204
- What's that?
382
00:17:14,325 --> 00:17:15,365
- Didn't say anything.
- Nothing.
383
00:17:15,493 --> 00:17:17,623
- Oh, you didn't...
384
00:17:17,745 --> 00:17:18,995
All right,
four more years.
385
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:24,627
- Hey, if it makes
you guys feel any better,
386
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:26,712
black people make me
really uncomfortable.
387
00:17:28,423 --> 00:17:30,013
Both: Thank you.
388
00:17:33,970 --> 00:17:37,510
- So uh, my favorite sport
is mixed martial arts.
389
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:41,390
- It is. I know that.
You're a big fan.
390
00:17:41,519 --> 00:17:43,229
- Oh, I love it.
391
00:17:43,354 --> 00:17:44,944
And I think from watching it,
I think I've picked it up.
392
00:17:45,064 --> 00:17:46,694
I pick up some of that...
393
00:17:46,816 --> 00:17:49,606
- I'm sorry. You think
that you've picked it up?
394
00:17:49,736 --> 00:17:51,316
- I can get out
of any attack.
395
00:17:51,446 --> 00:17:52,526
- Can I... Really?
Can I do a thing?
396
00:17:52,655 --> 00:17:53,905
- Do whatever you want.
397
00:17:54,031 --> 00:17:55,201
- There's, like,
one thing that I know.
398
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:56,374
- Do whatever you try.
- So what if I...
399
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:59,202
If I do this,
if I do that...
400
00:17:59,328 --> 00:18:00,658
- All right,
you're my friend,
401
00:18:00,788 --> 00:18:02,578
and I know
you're not going to hurt me.
402
00:18:02,707 --> 00:18:04,497
You're my friend, and I know
you're not going to hurt me.
403
00:18:04,625 --> 00:18:06,245
You're my friend and I know
you're not going to hurt me.
404
00:18:06,377 --> 00:18:08,127
So there's no way...
- Of course I'm not going hurt...
405
00:18:08,254 --> 00:18:10,804
- Know who
you're dealing with.
406
00:18:10,923 --> 00:18:14,433
[Cheers and applause]
See what I did there?
407
00:18:15,595 --> 00:18:18,465
[Rock music]
408
00:18:18,598 --> 00:18:24,478
♪ ♪
409
00:18:24,604 --> 00:18:27,774
Hey, as far as I'm concerned,
this Saturday night,
410
00:18:27,899 --> 00:18:29,859
there's not even going
to be a fight.
411
00:18:29,984 --> 00:18:32,114
I'm gonna mercy-kill
this old man.
412
00:18:32,236 --> 00:18:34,816
- Derek is very
good person.
413
00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:37,277
But soon,
he will learn manners.
414
00:18:37,408 --> 00:18:39,198
I will torture
his body
415
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:41,747
so that his soul
learns to be humble.
416
00:18:41,871 --> 00:18:43,871
- I'm gonna dance around him
while he tries
417
00:18:43,998 --> 00:18:47,788
to hit me with his cane,
old man.
418
00:18:47,919 --> 00:18:49,919
- God chose me
for this fight.
419
00:18:50,046 --> 00:18:53,466
God is the teacher,
Derek is the student,
420
00:18:53,591 --> 00:18:56,011
and I am
God's instrument.
421
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:59,045
When I squeeze
your lungs, Derek,
422
00:18:59,180 --> 00:19:01,390
and you beg me for life,
423
00:19:01,516 --> 00:19:04,096
then your heart
will open up to the Lord.
424
00:19:04,227 --> 00:19:07,267
- I'm gonna knock him out
round one, bitch.
425
00:19:07,396 --> 00:19:11,356
Wait.
What did he say again?
426
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:13,864
He said God chose him.
427
00:19:13,986 --> 00:19:17,066
That doesn't
even make sense, really.
428
00:19:17,198 --> 00:19:20,368
- When you eat
through plastic tube,
429
00:19:20,493 --> 00:19:24,203
when you are paralyzed
from neck down,
430
00:19:24,330 --> 00:19:25,960
then your family
431
00:19:26,082 --> 00:19:29,502
will gather
around your hospital bed
432
00:19:29,627 --> 00:19:31,667
to see the new Derek.
433
00:19:33,965 --> 00:19:36,295
- Okay, he know
we just talking here, right?
434
00:19:36,425 --> 00:19:38,085
I mean, we just...
435
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:40,679
We just getting people
interested in the fight...
436
00:19:40,805 --> 00:19:43,635
because I'm sorry...
is this nigga crazy?
437
00:19:43,766 --> 00:19:48,896
- God's lessons
are so beautiful.
438
00:19:52,650 --> 00:19:54,360
- "God's lessons
are beautiful"?
439
00:19:54,485 --> 00:19:56,565
I'm sorry.
Who put this fight together?
440
00:19:56,696 --> 00:19:58,656
This is just...
441
00:19:58,781 --> 00:20:02,161
If y'all got an actual
crazy person for me to fight,
442
00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:03,985
well, that's not fair
to me...
443
00:20:04,120 --> 00:20:05,410
Or him.
444
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:11,538
- [Speaking in tongues]
445
00:20:18,634 --> 00:20:21,094
- What you mean,
you can't find him?
446
00:20:21,220 --> 00:20:22,720
Well, where is he?
447
00:20:22,847 --> 00:20:24,347
Yo, man, where my manager at?
Steve?
448
00:20:24,473 --> 00:20:27,483
How's it...
449
00:20:31,063 --> 00:20:33,943
[rock music]
450
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:35,686
♪ ♪
451
00:20:35,818 --> 00:20:37,318
[cheers and applause]
452
00:20:37,445 --> 00:20:39,645
- Thank you so much.
453
00:20:39,780 --> 00:20:41,990
- All right, so here's
the thing.
454
00:20:42,116 --> 00:20:44,526
Keegan can't say good-bye,
so I'm gonna say good-bye.
455
00:20:44,660 --> 00:20:45,950
- Why can't I...
What?
456
00:20:46,078 --> 00:20:47,948
- Broke your larynx.
That's why.
457
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:49,580
Broke your larynx.
Good night, everybody.
458
00:20:49,707 --> 00:20:51,207
Good night.
459
00:20:51,334 --> 00:20:54,344
[Cheers and applause]
460
00:20:58,007 --> 00:21:00,877
- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
461
00:21:01,010 --> 00:21:03,550
- Oh, yeah.
462
00:21:05,264 --> 00:21:06,514
- Remember the video stores,
there was always
463
00:21:06,641 --> 00:21:09,271
new releases, but then
there was also new arrivals.
464
00:21:09,393 --> 00:21:11,193
If you have Julia Roberts
in your movie,
465
00:21:11,312 --> 00:21:12,812
it's a new release.
466
00:21:12,939 --> 00:21:14,559
If Eric Roberts is in it,
it's a new arrival.
467
00:21:14,690 --> 00:21:16,820
Nicolas Cage,
new release.
468
00:21:16,943 --> 00:21:20,033
Both: Nicolas Cage,
new arrival.
33891
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