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1
00:00:01,001 --> 00:00:02,291
- The zombies have
broken through!
2
00:00:02,419 --> 00:00:04,209
I repeat, zombies!
3
00:00:04,338 --> 00:00:07,258
- Aah!
- Oh, my God!
4
00:00:07,383 --> 00:00:10,013
Tommy's been bit!
5
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:13,135
[Audio slows down]
6
00:00:18,811 --> 00:00:19,851
[Audio at normal speed]
7
00:00:19,978 --> 00:00:21,058
- Aah, damn!
8
00:00:21,188 --> 00:00:22,808
[Screams in background]
9
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:24,610
Damn it!
No, no, no!
10
00:00:24,733 --> 00:00:26,653
- What are you waiting for?
You know what you have to do!
11
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,027
- No, I ca...
I ca... I can't do it.
12
00:00:28,153 --> 00:00:29,703
- D... do what?
13
00:00:29,822 --> 00:00:31,452
- You have to do it!
He's been bit!
14
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:34,703
- Yes... aah!
Aah! Unh! Aah!
15
00:00:34,827 --> 00:00:36,487
- No, no, no!
- Forgive me, Tommy!
16
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:37,910
- No, no, no, no, no!
17
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:41,038
[All screaming]
18
00:00:41,166 --> 00:00:44,916
- [Panting]
19
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,625
- [Crying] Oh, no!
20
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:48,375
- Aah!
21
00:00:48,507 --> 00:00:52,467
I ca... I can't believe
the zombies bit him!
22
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:57,774
- [Crying] It wasn't
a zombie, it was a raccoon.
23
00:00:57,891 --> 00:01:00,181
[Crying]
24
00:01:03,731 --> 00:01:06,731
Zombies and raccoons, right?
25
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:13,490
No, it's just zombies?
26
00:01:13,615 --> 00:01:16,485
[Crying]
27
00:01:16,618 --> 00:01:19,748
Oh, shit,
you just killed Tommy.
28
00:01:19,872 --> 00:01:20,962
[Soul music]
29
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:29,091
♪ ♪
30
00:01:39,683 --> 00:01:44,773
[cheers and applause]
31
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:46,517
- Yeah!
32
00:01:46,648 --> 00:01:48,358
Thank you!
33
00:01:48,484 --> 00:01:49,864
- Thank you.
34
00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:52,195
- Welcome to the show everybody,
I am Keegan.
35
00:01:52,321 --> 00:01:53,611
- And I am Jordan.
36
00:01:53,739 --> 00:01:55,029
- And this is Key & Peele.
- Yes.
37
00:01:55,157 --> 00:01:56,947
- So thanks for coming out.
- Thank you.
38
00:01:57,075 --> 00:01:59,195
Now I just wanna
start off by saying
39
00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:01,248
we are huge horror movie fans.
- Yes.
40
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:03,211
- We love horror movies.
- We love the slashers.
41
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,122
- Don't know if anybody's seen...
- Skite... skite... skite... skite!
42
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,250
- Yeah, that's
our jam right there.
43
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:09,207
[Laughter]
44
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:10,798
- I don't know if anyone's
seen that movie Candyman?
45
00:02:10,923 --> 00:02:13,473
That's one
of our favorites, Candyman.
46
00:02:13,592 --> 00:02:17,142
That's the movie where you
say "Candyman" five times
47
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:20,182
into a mirror in the bathroom,
and a black dude
48
00:02:20,307 --> 00:02:22,557
from the 19th century
with a hook for a hand
49
00:02:22,684 --> 00:02:25,484
and bees all over his face
comes out, and he kills you.
50
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,904
That's just relevant because
if you watched that movie,
51
00:02:28,023 --> 00:02:30,273
and you went home and you
said "Candyman" five times
52
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:33,740
into a mirror,
you are a white person.
53
00:02:33,862 --> 00:02:35,452
- Yes, a black person
would never do that.
54
00:02:35,572 --> 00:02:36,912
- Nope, we don't do that.
55
00:02:37,032 --> 00:02:38,912
- We do not take chances
with the supernatural.
56
00:02:39,034 --> 00:02:40,744
Just in case.
57
00:02:40,869 --> 00:02:42,579
- Well, the last thing that came
along that we didn't understand
58
00:02:42,704 --> 00:02:44,414
ended up bringing us to America,
so that was kind of
59
00:02:44,540 --> 00:02:46,080
a fucked up situation.
60
00:02:46,208 --> 00:02:50,128
[Laughter]
61
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:53,014
That's why street magicians,
like, on the street...
62
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:55,881
Like, a black person,
we will just excuse ourselves...
63
00:02:56,009 --> 00:02:57,469
- Oh, no, we will
vacate the premises.
64
00:02:57,594 --> 00:02:59,514
- From that whole situation.
It would be like this...
65
00:02:59,638 --> 00:03:00,758
"Was the four
of clubs your card?"
66
00:03:00,889 --> 00:03:03,059
- "Oh, hell no.
You a demon, so..."
67
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,306
- But, babe, moving out?
68
00:03:09,439 --> 00:03:12,319
Please, this
is the worst possible time.
69
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:14,442
Please don't do this.
70
00:03:14,570 --> 00:03:15,900
Babe?
71
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:20,579
[Sighs]
72
00:03:20,701 --> 00:03:23,411
- Garbage.
- Huh?
73
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:24,697
- Can I take your garbage?
74
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:28,040
- Yeah, sure.
75
00:03:28,166 --> 00:03:29,456
- [Chuckles]
76
00:03:29,585 --> 00:03:34,665
You know, I find
the more garbage in the can,
77
00:03:34,798 --> 00:03:40,088
the better it feels
to dump it all out.
78
00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,260
I suppose that's
why we let it get so full
79
00:03:42,389 --> 00:03:46,349
in the first place.
80
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:49,596
So we can start over.
81
00:03:53,942 --> 00:03:57,322
- Here to fix the copier.
- Yeah, sure, sure.
82
00:03:57,446 --> 00:03:59,026
Hey, how did you...
83
00:03:59,156 --> 00:04:01,156
- Sometimes things
ain't really broken.
84
00:04:01,283 --> 00:04:03,493
It's the way
we treat 'em
85
00:04:03,619 --> 00:04:07,039
that needs to be fixed.
86
00:04:07,164 --> 00:04:10,084
[Machine starts]
87
00:04:10,208 --> 00:04:14,498
Heh.
[Whistles]
88
00:04:14,630 --> 00:04:18,880
[Chuckles]
89
00:04:19,009 --> 00:04:20,889
- Who the hell
are you guys?
90
00:04:21,011 --> 00:04:25,811
Both: The important question
is who are you, Steve?
91
00:04:25,933 --> 00:04:28,603
[Ominous music]
92
00:04:28,727 --> 00:04:32,897
- Well, if it
isn't Mr. Stanley.
93
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,573
- Carl.
94
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,572
[Ominous music continues]
95
00:04:38,695 --> 00:04:40,105
♪ ♪
96
00:04:40,238 --> 00:04:43,818
- You need to find
your own troubled white boy.
97
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:52,963
- I was here first.
98
00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,088
Copycat!
99
00:04:59,216 --> 00:05:02,756
- Aagh!
[Coughs]
100
00:05:02,886 --> 00:05:04,546
[Heavy breathing]
101
00:05:04,680 --> 00:05:06,100
Sweep this...
102
00:05:06,223 --> 00:05:07,313
bitch!
103
00:05:07,432 --> 00:05:09,312
- Unh!
104
00:05:09,434 --> 00:05:13,774
- [Chuckles]
105
00:05:16,108 --> 00:05:17,148
Uh-oh.
- Hah!
106
00:05:17,275 --> 00:05:19,485
- Whoa! Unh!
[Groans]
107
00:05:19,611 --> 00:05:21,821
- [Chuckles]
108
00:05:35,460 --> 00:05:37,090
- Damn!
109
00:05:37,212 --> 00:05:38,252
Chesterfield!
110
00:05:38,380 --> 00:05:41,720
[Whistles, bird screeches]
111
00:05:41,842 --> 00:05:44,012
Both:
There can be only one
112
00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:46,546
magical negro!
113
00:05:46,680 --> 00:05:49,770
Hunh!
114
00:05:53,311 --> 00:05:56,191
[Intense opera music]
115
00:05:56,314 --> 00:06:03,244
♪ ♪
116
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:07,833
- [wild whistling]
117
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:10,951
Both: Yaarrgh!
118
00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,710
[Horns honking,
car alarms blaring]
119
00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:27,678
- Good lord.
120
00:06:27,804 --> 00:06:31,104
Are you all right?
121
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:36,314
Well, I guess sometimes
things have to come apart
122
00:06:36,438 --> 00:06:39,318
before we can put
'em back together again.
123
00:06:39,441 --> 00:06:42,821
- Oh, you're
a magical negro too.
124
00:06:42,944 --> 00:06:46,414
- Who you callin' "negro,"
bitch?
125
00:06:51,661 --> 00:06:53,871
- So Keegan's the nicest
guy in the world.
126
00:06:53,997 --> 00:06:55,457
Too nice, though.
- You think I'm too nice.
127
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:57,172
- Sometimes you're too nice.
- Okay.
128
00:06:57,292 --> 00:06:58,882
- That one time
we went to a restaurant.
129
00:06:59,002 --> 00:07:01,382
We're starving, and
we are going to a restaurant,
130
00:07:01,505 --> 00:07:03,005
and there is a woman
outside the door
131
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:04,511
of the restaurant
with a clipboard
132
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:06,183
talking about giving money
for homeless kids.
133
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:07,551
- Very nice girl,
Very sweet girl.
134
00:07:07,677 --> 00:07:08,757
- I don't care,
I don't care.
135
00:07:08,887 --> 00:07:09,927
- Very sweet.
- Of course she's sweet.
136
00:07:10,055 --> 00:07:11,465
I don't care.
137
00:07:11,598 --> 00:07:13,968
You do not stop for a bitch
with a clipboard.
138
00:07:14,101 --> 00:07:16,311
- Jordan...
- Don't do it, Keegan.
139
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:17,766
- Let's talk about
what you did.
140
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:19,306
Let's talk about
what he did for a second.
141
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,769
This is my man right here...
my man just said,
142
00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:22,229
"Just so you know,
it's a no for me."
143
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:23,859
[Imitates doorbell]
144
00:07:23,985 --> 00:07:27,655
Excuse me,
uh-huh, mm-hmm.
145
00:07:27,781 --> 00:07:29,071
- Look at that.
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
146
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,529
Mm, thank you, mm!
147
00:07:30,659 --> 00:07:31,699
- Well, that's because...
No, that's because
148
00:07:31,827 --> 00:07:32,867
you have to know...
149
00:07:32,994 --> 00:07:34,454
- Yeah, mm-hmm, mmm!
150
00:07:34,579 --> 00:07:35,749
- That's because I know he's
gonna be out there
151
00:07:35,872 --> 00:07:37,082
for the next 48 minutes
talking about,
152
00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:39,037
"Fascinating, fascinating.
153
00:07:39,167 --> 00:07:41,457
"Why aren't these kids housed?
154
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:43,206
"What's wrong?
I wanna know.
155
00:07:43,338 --> 00:07:44,548
"I wanna know
all the info.
156
00:07:44,673 --> 00:07:45,923
"What are their names?
One at a time.
157
00:07:46,049 --> 00:07:47,509
"Give them to me,
alphabetical.
158
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:49,184
"No, I'll remember them.
I have a good memory.
159
00:07:49,302 --> 00:07:52,102
"I'll give you my email,
I'll give you my sosh.
160
00:07:52,222 --> 00:07:53,432
Do they have
a father figure?"
161
00:07:53,557 --> 00:07:55,637
"My name's Keegan.
162
00:07:55,767 --> 00:07:57,177
I'll give it to 'em."
163
00:07:57,310 --> 00:07:59,350
[Laughter]
164
00:07:59,479 --> 00:08:01,149
- All right.
Where you headed, youngster?
165
00:08:01,273 --> 00:08:04,153
- Yeah I'm headed to
the Cobo building on Jefferson.
166
00:08:04,276 --> 00:08:06,316
- All right, yeah,
Cobo Hall, Jefferson Avenue.
167
00:08:06,444 --> 00:08:08,614
Mm-hmm.
168
00:08:08,738 --> 00:08:10,778
So, uh, what
you in Detroit for?
169
00:08:10,907 --> 00:08:12,447
- Uh, gotta
do a presentation.
170
00:08:12,576 --> 00:08:16,746
- All right, okay.
Yeah, a presentation, okay.
171
00:08:16,872 --> 00:08:18,412
What are you presenting?
172
00:08:18,540 --> 00:08:20,880
- Uh, actually
it's about how market research
173
00:08:21,001 --> 00:08:23,841
can be interpreted
with out-of-the-box solutions.
174
00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,002
- Oh, all right,
so you're gonna get this all
175
00:08:25,130 --> 00:08:28,340
outside the box, all right.
176
00:08:28,466 --> 00:08:30,046
- Most people
think that all customers
177
00:08:30,177 --> 00:08:31,837
are a single demographic.
178
00:08:31,970 --> 00:08:33,720
- Oh, okay, you're trying
to get all them demographics
179
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,137
up in here, all right.
180
00:08:35,265 --> 00:08:37,135
All right, yeah.
181
00:08:37,267 --> 00:08:39,307
- Online trends
are less linear than...
182
00:08:39,436 --> 00:08:42,606
- Oh, okay, online...
trends.
183
00:08:42,731 --> 00:08:45,361
Linear, mm-hmm.
184
00:08:45,483 --> 00:08:47,363
- [Scoffs]
185
00:08:47,485 --> 00:08:50,315
I'm also thinking about
doing the presentation naked.
186
00:08:50,447 --> 00:08:51,697
- Ooh.
- Just no clothes on.
187
00:08:51,823 --> 00:08:53,533
- Oh, yeah, yeah,
naked presentation.
188
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:55,368
No clothes on, that's good.
189
00:08:55,493 --> 00:08:58,163
- Afterward, I might
just piss on the floor
190
00:08:58,288 --> 00:08:59,458
in front of everyone.
191
00:08:59,581 --> 00:09:01,001
- Oh, yeah,
okay, all right.
192
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:02,214
Pissing right there
up in front of everybody.
193
00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:03,964
All right, sounds good.
194
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,835
- Then I might just
shoot everybody in the place,
195
00:09:05,962 --> 00:09:07,212
you know.
196
00:09:07,339 --> 00:09:08,709
With the gun
I'm hiding in my ass.
197
00:09:08,840 --> 00:09:09,920
- Yeah, yeah,
gun way up in that ass.
198
00:09:10,050 --> 00:09:11,630
That's the way
to do it.
199
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,890
- Cut my victims' faces off,
wear them as masks.
200
00:09:14,012 --> 00:09:15,972
- Mm-hmm, yeah,
masks go on the face.
201
00:09:16,097 --> 00:09:18,387
Uh-huh.
Yeah, okay.
202
00:09:18,516 --> 00:09:20,806
- [Speaking German] Ich bin
ein schein. Heil Hitler.
203
00:09:20,936 --> 00:09:23,396
- Yep, okay,
heil Hitler to you too.
204
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:24,731
- Heh.
205
00:09:24,856 --> 00:09:27,856
- All right, here we are.
206
00:09:30,195 --> 00:09:31,895
Oh, by the way.
207
00:09:32,030 --> 00:09:34,320
When you kill those people
with your ass gun,
208
00:09:34,449 --> 00:09:35,949
make sure to use
a serrated blade
209
00:09:36,076 --> 00:09:37,236
to cut their faces off.
210
00:09:37,369 --> 00:09:38,869
[Ominous music]
211
00:09:38,995 --> 00:09:42,155
Auf wiedersehen.
212
00:09:42,290 --> 00:09:45,170
[German national anthem]
213
00:09:45,293 --> 00:09:48,173
♪ ♪
214
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:56,596
- Call my agent.
215
00:09:56,721 --> 00:09:58,351
[Cell phone ringing]
216
00:09:58,473 --> 00:10:00,223
- Jaden Pinkett Smith, my man.
217
00:10:00,350 --> 00:10:01,810
- What up, Clyde?
218
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,185
Hey look, man, I'm gonna
be real with you okay?
219
00:10:04,312 --> 00:10:07,272
This Alien Boy script,
I'm not feelin' it.
220
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:09,729
I mean, it's hard
being Will Smith's son.
221
00:10:09,859 --> 00:10:13,489
I just wanna make sure
my next project reflects
222
00:10:13,613 --> 00:10:15,323
that I'm a down-to-earth,
normal kid.
223
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:16,908
Am I making any sense?
224
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,913
- Yeah, yeah,
I'm reading you loud and clear.
225
00:10:19,035 --> 00:10:21,745
I've got a script right here,
very real, called Street Ball.
226
00:10:21,871 --> 00:10:23,911
- Talk to me.
- Okay, so you play Tony.
227
00:10:24,040 --> 00:10:25,540
He's a kid from the streets,
lives in the hood
228
00:10:25,667 --> 00:10:27,077
in a house
with his mom.
229
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,630
- Stop.
230
00:10:29,754 --> 00:10:30,804
House?
231
00:10:30,922 --> 00:10:31,962
Oh, it's like a...
232
00:10:32,090 --> 00:10:34,340
tiny mansion.
- Got it, go on.
233
00:10:34,467 --> 00:10:36,217
- So his mom and he,
uh, they live in this house
234
00:10:36,344 --> 00:10:37,854
and she works
at a supermarket.
235
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,391
- Stop.
236
00:10:39,514 --> 00:10:41,724
- Oh, yeah, a supermarket's
like a mansion,
237
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:43,560
uh, but it's full of food,
and anyone can go there.
238
00:10:43,685 --> 00:10:46,095
- So, like,
where the butlers go?
239
00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:48,059
- Yeah, basically.
So he, uh...
240
00:10:48,189 --> 00:10:49,319
- And wait.
241
00:10:49,441 --> 00:10:51,361
You said his mom
was doing something
242
00:10:51,484 --> 00:10:52,744
at the supermarket?
243
00:10:52,861 --> 00:10:55,401
- Working.
- So...
244
00:10:55,530 --> 00:10:57,910
- Working is kind of like acting
on a set every day
245
00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,703
in a film that
no one's ever gonna see.
246
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,536
And it lasts
for the rest of your life.
247
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,291
- Oh, like a maid!
248
00:11:03,413 --> 00:11:05,003
- Yeah, yeah, she's like
the maid of the supermarket.
249
00:11:05,123 --> 00:11:06,793
- Awesome, continue.
250
00:11:06,916 --> 00:11:09,206
- So anyway, Tony doesn't
make the basketball team, right?
251
00:11:09,336 --> 00:11:10,626
So he decides to start
playing pickup games
252
00:11:10,754 --> 00:11:12,464
of street ball outside.
253
00:11:12,589 --> 00:11:16,429
- So he plays basketball
in his plane?
254
00:11:16,551 --> 00:11:17,841
- No, on the ground.
255
00:11:17,969 --> 00:11:19,349
- In his limo?
256
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:21,311
- No, uh, outside
is that stuff
257
00:11:21,431 --> 00:11:23,641
that goes by when
you're inside the limo.
258
00:11:23,767 --> 00:11:25,097
- Oh, snap!
259
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:27,186
He plays basketball
outside the limo door?
260
00:11:27,312 --> 00:11:28,602
- Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.
261
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,730
So then he gets
really good at basketball,
262
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:32,517
and then blah-blah
blah-blah-blah, fast forward.
263
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:35,740
At the heart of the story, Tony
has to choose between his mom...
264
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:38,822
- Choose.
265
00:11:38,948 --> 00:11:41,158
- Yeah, "choose" is when
you have to make a decision
266
00:11:41,284 --> 00:11:44,624
between two things you want,
but you can have only one.
267
00:11:44,746 --> 00:11:48,326
- But... there's two.
268
00:11:48,458 --> 00:11:52,038
- Yeah, but, I mean,
he can't have both.
269
00:11:52,170 --> 00:11:55,300
- [Scoffs] What'd I say
about science fiction, Clyde?
270
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,173
It's a no.
271
00:11:57,300 --> 00:11:59,640
- Okay, we'll pass.
272
00:11:59,761 --> 00:12:00,801
Achoo!
273
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,759
- Dad bless you.
- Thanks.
274
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:07,810
[Intense newscast music]
275
00:12:07,936 --> 00:12:09,306
- Welcome to the show.
276
00:12:09,437 --> 00:12:10,847
Tonight we are a full hour
on Baby Prudence,
277
00:12:10,980 --> 00:12:12,770
the child who
was abducted yesterday.
278
00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:15,319
We have the 911 call
and the last taken home video
279
00:12:15,443 --> 00:12:16,533
of Baby Pru.
280
00:12:16,653 --> 00:12:18,113
We have reporters
in the field
281
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:20,568
as hundreds of people
are searching for...
282
00:12:20,698 --> 00:12:21,948
What's that?
They found her?
283
00:12:22,075 --> 00:12:25,285
She's fine?
Well fuck me! Gaa!
284
00:12:27,997 --> 00:12:29,577
♪ ♪
285
00:12:29,707 --> 00:12:33,037
- Uh, so I have been married,
uh, for 13 years.
286
00:12:33,169 --> 00:12:34,209
[Cheers and applause]
287
00:12:34,337 --> 00:12:38,717
Thank you,
thank you.
288
00:12:38,842 --> 00:12:40,972
I'm very happily married.
- Gross.
289
00:12:41,094 --> 00:12:43,394
- [Sighs]
- No, no, no.
290
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:45,603
Your marriage is beautiful.
Your marriage is not gross.
291
00:12:45,723 --> 00:12:48,353
But for me,
that is not an option, marriage.
292
00:12:48,476 --> 00:12:50,886
- Okay, yeah, Jordan
is not a big fan of marriage.
293
00:12:51,020 --> 00:12:53,860
For Jordan, marriage is, um...
- The end of life.
294
00:12:53,982 --> 00:12:55,152
- Yes.
295
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,145
The end of life.
- That, yes, yes.
296
00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,397
I don't get tattoos either,
by the way.
297
00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,238
- Mm-hmm.
- Okay?
298
00:13:00,363 --> 00:13:02,783
To me, marriage seems like
getting a tattoo that's alive
299
00:13:02,907 --> 00:13:05,407
and makes you wait to watch
the next episode of everything.
300
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:07,155
I don't want that.
- See, and I don't care.
301
00:13:07,287 --> 00:13:10,207
I just as soon wait for my wife
so we can watch it together.
302
00:13:10,331 --> 00:13:11,501
[Audience aaws]
303
00:13:11,624 --> 00:13:12,674
- Ew.
304
00:13:12,792 --> 00:13:13,922
[Laughter]
305
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,713
No, no!
306
00:13:16,838 --> 00:13:18,508
But, okay, I like
to go to Amsterdam, for example.
307
00:13:18,631 --> 00:13:19,671
- Yes, mm-hmm.
- Every now and then.
308
00:13:19,799 --> 00:13:20,839
[Cheers and applause]
309
00:13:20,967 --> 00:13:22,677
- Thank you!
310
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,802
When you... when you get married,
you can't go to Amsterdam.
311
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,099
- Oh, yes, you can.
- No.
312
00:13:26,222 --> 00:13:27,892
- I can go to Amsterdam
with my wife.
313
00:13:28,016 --> 00:13:29,516
- Yes,
but you can't Amsterdam.
314
00:13:29,642 --> 00:13:31,142
[Laughter]
315
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:34,229
- Oh, well...
316
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:36,105
- The mood is infectious
and exciting today
317
00:13:36,232 --> 00:13:37,822
as people from
all walks of life
318
00:13:37,942 --> 00:13:39,572
celebrate becoming
the seventh state
319
00:13:39,694 --> 00:13:41,204
to legalize gay marriage.
320
00:13:41,321 --> 00:13:43,031
We're here talking
to excited couples about
321
00:13:43,156 --> 00:13:45,946
how they feel
on this historic day.
322
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:47,365
Oh, hi.
- Hi, hi.
323
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:48,834
Uh, yeah, it's
a very historic day
324
00:13:48,953 --> 00:13:50,003
for civil rights.
325
00:13:50,121 --> 00:13:51,411
- Whoo!
- And for gay Americans.
326
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:52,959
And Americans
all over the country...
327
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:56,342
- Whoo! We're gonna
get married! Yeah!
328
00:13:56,461 --> 00:13:58,461
- Well, you know, wait...
- [screams]
329
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,548
- We said that
it would be a conversation,
330
00:14:00,673 --> 00:14:01,883
you know what I mean?
Because we didn't know
331
00:14:02,008 --> 00:14:03,628
this was gonna pass
so darn fast.
332
00:14:03,760 --> 00:14:05,590
- Oh, my God!
- So are you guys a couple?
333
00:14:05,720 --> 00:14:06,930
- [Laughs]
Are we a couple?
334
00:14:07,055 --> 00:14:08,505
Come on, girl,
let's get serious.
335
00:14:08,640 --> 00:14:10,560
- No, it's just so fast.
- My name is Lashawn.
336
00:14:10,683 --> 00:14:13,603
And this is right here
is my "Samwich."
337
00:14:13,728 --> 00:14:15,688
- It's, uh, Samuel, yeah.
- [Laughs]
338
00:14:15,813 --> 00:14:18,363
And we're gonna
get married! Yeah!
339
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:19,693
- That's so great.
340
00:14:19,817 --> 00:14:21,147
How long have you guys
been together?
341
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:22,897
- Well, we've been...
- Three years.
342
00:14:23,029 --> 00:14:25,109
It's been forever,
we've been waiting forever!
343
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:27,780
- It's really important
to know the person...
344
00:14:27,909 --> 00:14:30,789
- Who is the bride?
I am the bride.
345
00:14:30,912 --> 00:14:32,202
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do!
[Laughs]
346
00:14:32,330 --> 00:14:34,000
- Oh, well tell us
all about your plans.
347
00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:35,963
- You know, we never thought
it was important to have
348
00:14:36,084 --> 00:14:37,794
a piece of paper,
so there's not any plans...
349
00:14:37,919 --> 00:14:39,289
- Oh, yeah!
Piece of paper!
350
00:14:39,420 --> 00:14:40,840
We're gonna get
that piece of paper, Sammy!
351
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:42,884
- Yeah, yeah.
- That piece of paper!
352
00:14:43,007 --> 00:14:44,837
- Where do you think
you guys will get married?
353
00:14:44,968 --> 00:14:46,718
- You know, there's a lot
of hidden costs in a wedding...
354
00:14:46,844 --> 00:14:48,104
- Oh, everywhere!
355
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:49,601
We're gonna
get married over here
356
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:52,022
and over there
and in the sky and on a cloud.
357
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:53,931
- Oh, wow, it sounds like
it's gonna be a big wedding.
358
00:14:54,060 --> 00:14:55,640
- Well, you know it's just
a conversation that we have...
359
00:14:55,770 --> 00:15:00,320
- Girl, we're gonna rent
the moon and fill it with roses!
360
00:15:00,441 --> 00:15:02,691
- We really need to talk
about whether or not we think
361
00:15:02,819 --> 00:15:04,819
it's fair to even get married
when it's still illegal
362
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:06,236
in so many
other states...
363
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:07,614
- You see? Look at him!
364
00:15:07,740 --> 00:15:09,410
That's my man
with his big heart.
365
00:15:09,534 --> 00:15:12,334
I'm sorry, my husband.
You my husband now.
366
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:13,873
- Well, we just...
- You my husband now, bitch.
367
00:15:13,997 --> 00:15:15,747
- We just don't wanna
rush into anything,
368
00:15:15,873 --> 00:15:17,083
because stuff
gets overturned.
369
00:15:17,208 --> 00:15:18,708
Remember what happened
in California.
370
00:15:18,835 --> 00:15:20,415
- Baby, I'm gonna
get a 14-karat ring
371
00:15:20,545 --> 00:15:22,835
the size
of 14 motherfuckin' carrots.
372
00:15:22,964 --> 00:15:25,594
That's what's up, doc!
[Smacking lips]
373
00:15:25,717 --> 00:15:27,507
- Well, you two
certainly seem excited.
374
00:15:27,635 --> 00:15:29,465
- Yeah, do we seem excited?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
375
00:15:29,596 --> 00:15:30,886
- Oh, okay.
- Congratulations.
376
00:15:31,014 --> 00:15:32,894
I hope you guys
have a wonderful life together.
377
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:34,886
- We just... we really just
didn't think it was gonna pass.
378
00:15:35,018 --> 00:15:37,938
- We're gonna have a house
that's shaped like a unicorn,
379
00:15:38,062 --> 00:15:39,402
and we're gonna
have five little girls.
380
00:15:39,522 --> 00:15:42,362
Their names are gonna be
Etnie, Carousel, Sequin,
381
00:15:42,483 --> 00:15:43,943
Abercrombie, and Phantom.
382
00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,398
And we're gonna
have a little dog named Ruffalo.
383
00:15:46,529 --> 00:15:48,949
And the dog gonna
have a cat named Myriad.
384
00:15:49,073 --> 00:15:52,913
[Intense newscast music]
385
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,196
- And we have breaking news.
386
00:15:54,329 --> 00:15:56,039
Baby Lakisha has gone missing.
387
00:15:56,164 --> 00:15:57,834
For the next hour we will...
what's that? Nobody cares?
388
00:15:57,957 --> 00:16:00,167
Moving on, let's check in
with baby Prudence.
389
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,303
Her 14th day home,
and she's still safe and sound.
390
00:16:08,217 --> 00:16:09,927
- No, I definitely...
I am very happily married,
391
00:16:10,053 --> 00:16:11,513
but I have to say
that there are times
392
00:16:11,638 --> 00:16:13,348
in a relationship where
you have to use psychology,
393
00:16:13,473 --> 00:16:14,683
you know,
to get what you want.
394
00:16:14,807 --> 00:16:16,217
- Oh, definitely.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
395
00:16:16,351 --> 00:16:17,641
- I know exactly...
I mean, I have a girlfriend,
396
00:16:17,769 --> 00:16:19,019
so I know what
you're talking about.
397
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:20,475
For me it's when
I'm watching HBO,
398
00:16:20,605 --> 00:16:23,565
and the girl takes her top off
in the HBO show,
399
00:16:23,691 --> 00:16:24,981
which is inevitable.
400
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:27,649
And the only way
I can continue watching the show
401
00:16:27,779 --> 00:16:29,239
is if I preempt her.
402
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:30,574
I'm like, "Oh, see,
that's just a shame
403
00:16:30,698 --> 00:16:32,028
"she feels like
she has to do that.
404
00:16:32,158 --> 00:16:34,578
[Laughter]
405
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:36,622
"It's just a shame.
It's gratuitous, is what it is.
406
00:16:36,746 --> 00:16:38,456
[Laughter]
407
00:16:38,581 --> 00:16:40,791
I don't even wanna watch...
We can watch it, but you know."
408
00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:43,417
[Laughter]
409
00:16:43,544 --> 00:16:44,674
- Oh, man.
410
00:16:44,796 --> 00:16:46,796
What I do,
I like to walk my dogs.
411
00:16:46,923 --> 00:16:49,973
But I pretend like
I hate walking my dogs.
412
00:16:50,093 --> 00:16:52,843
Because one hour of dog walking
equals five hours of football.
413
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:54,720
- Yes, smart.
414
00:16:54,847 --> 00:16:58,477
- So I'll come in the door
just talking about, Ooh! Ooh!
415
00:16:58,601 --> 00:17:00,351
- Right.
416
00:17:00,478 --> 00:17:02,768
- Ooh!
- Yeah, you gotta play it up.
417
00:17:02,897 --> 00:17:05,857
- My hammies!
- Yeah, yeah, you gotta...
418
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,613
Very smart.
- Oh! Five hours of football.
419
00:17:08,736 --> 00:17:10,446
- So you sort of bank
the favor, in a way.
420
00:17:10,571 --> 00:17:12,281
- So, yeah,
I bank the favor.
421
00:17:12,407 --> 00:17:13,867
- Which is kind of...
Another thing I do
422
00:17:13,991 --> 00:17:15,871
is I will bank a complaint.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
423
00:17:15,993 --> 00:17:18,873
- Yeah, if she does something
I don't really care about
424
00:17:18,996 --> 00:17:22,116
if she did it,
but I will wait.
425
00:17:22,250 --> 00:17:24,080
And I will wait until
she calls me out on some shit
426
00:17:24,210 --> 00:17:25,630
to bring it up.
427
00:17:25,753 --> 00:17:26,883
- Yeah, yeah.
- You know what I'm saying?
428
00:17:27,004 --> 00:17:28,264
- So if she
says to you, um,
429
00:17:28,381 --> 00:17:29,591
"Why'd you leave
the toilet seat up?"
430
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,626
- Bitch, why was
you late last week,
431
00:17:31,759 --> 00:17:34,259
and I ain't say nothing?
432
00:17:34,387 --> 00:17:37,217
I was gonna let
that shit slide!
433
00:17:37,348 --> 00:17:38,718
- That's very good.
I'm gonna try that.
434
00:17:38,850 --> 00:17:40,310
- Yeah.
435
00:17:43,604 --> 00:17:45,694
- Now, first,
let me just say
436
00:17:45,815 --> 00:17:48,855
that I'm encouraged that so many
of you from the Republican party
437
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:52,145
have agreed
to meet me in this way.
438
00:17:52,280 --> 00:17:54,530
Now, as you know,
I've tried very hard
439
00:17:54,657 --> 00:17:56,527
to reach across the aisle
440
00:17:56,659 --> 00:17:58,619
and govern this country
from the middle.
441
00:17:58,745 --> 00:17:59,785
- Well...
442
00:17:59,912 --> 00:18:03,292
all due respect,
Mr. President,
443
00:18:03,416 --> 00:18:05,706
we disagree with you.
444
00:18:05,835 --> 00:18:08,625
- We think you should
run the country from...
445
00:18:08,755 --> 00:18:10,375
not the middle.
446
00:18:10,506 --> 00:18:12,916
- Well,
that's why we're here.
447
00:18:13,050 --> 00:18:15,300
If you would, I'd just
appreciate some feedback
448
00:18:15,428 --> 00:18:17,968
on some new ideas
and directions for this country.
449
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:21,347
Feel free to agree
or disagree.
450
00:18:21,476 --> 00:18:23,266
Whatever you want.
451
00:18:23,394 --> 00:18:24,944
- We're gonna disagree.
452
00:18:25,062 --> 00:18:26,312
[Chuckling and murmuring]
453
00:18:26,439 --> 00:18:28,609
- Yeah, disagree.
- Disagree.
454
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,363
- [Whispering]
Disagree.
455
00:18:30,485 --> 00:18:34,195
- First, I think
the government is too big.
456
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:36,202
I think we need
to shrink the size
457
00:18:36,324 --> 00:18:38,914
of the federal government
so that all decisions
458
00:18:39,035 --> 00:18:40,785
can be made
at the state level.
459
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,792
- We disagree, Mr. President.
460
00:18:42,914 --> 00:18:45,124
- Mm-hmm.
461
00:18:45,249 --> 00:18:47,669
- You drive
a hard bargain, you win.
462
00:18:47,794 --> 00:18:50,134
[Chuckling]
463
00:18:50,254 --> 00:18:52,594
- There we go.
464
00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:55,505
- Big government it is.
465
00:18:55,635 --> 00:18:57,635
[Classical music]
466
00:18:57,762 --> 00:18:59,182
- All right, next up, this
has been a hot button issue,
467
00:18:59,305 --> 00:19:01,515
but I think we can
settle it right here.
468
00:19:01,641 --> 00:19:04,981
No taxes for rich people.
469
00:19:05,102 --> 00:19:06,232
- We completely disagree!
470
00:19:06,354 --> 00:19:08,024
- Round two
goes to you guys.
471
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,187
[Uncomfortable chuckling]
472
00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,105
- Okay.
- Uh-huh.
473
00:19:11,234 --> 00:19:13,114
- More taxes
for the rich.
474
00:19:13,236 --> 00:19:14,736
- What the fuck!
475
00:19:14,862 --> 00:19:17,532
- What is happening to us?
476
00:19:17,657 --> 00:19:19,777
- Man, I am taking
a beating here, guys.
477
00:19:19,909 --> 00:19:22,659
All right, last issue...
immigration.
478
00:19:22,787 --> 00:19:25,497
Now, we need
to secure our borders.
479
00:19:25,623 --> 00:19:28,123
And anybody
who's here illegally
480
00:19:28,251 --> 00:19:30,591
should be hunted down
and deported.
481
00:19:30,711 --> 00:19:35,301
- [Straining and gagging]
482
00:19:35,424 --> 00:19:37,474
We disagree!
483
00:19:39,804 --> 00:19:43,064
[Crying]
484
00:19:43,182 --> 00:19:46,022
- We are country of immigrants!
No!
485
00:19:46,143 --> 00:19:49,063
- We need a clear path
to citizenship
486
00:19:49,188 --> 00:19:51,358
for all of those
who are already here!
487
00:19:51,482 --> 00:19:53,902
Aah!
Help me!
488
00:19:54,026 --> 00:19:57,896
[Crying, screaming]
489
00:19:59,490 --> 00:20:03,200
- Great,
I love your ideas.
490
00:20:03,327 --> 00:20:06,197
Lastly, we cannot
regulate firearms.
491
00:20:06,330 --> 00:20:08,330
- [Muffled]
Yes, we can!
492
00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:11,247
All: Yes, we can!
Yes, we can!
493
00:20:11,377 --> 00:20:14,337
Yes, we can!
Yes, we can!
494
00:20:14,463 --> 00:20:15,803
[Crying]
495
00:20:15,923 --> 00:20:18,093
- All right, all right.
If you guys say so.
496
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:21,507
And nobody better
throw me a cigarette.
497
00:20:25,224 --> 00:20:27,894
Ain't I a stinker?
498
00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:37,856
[Cheers and applause]
499
00:20:38,279 --> 00:20:41,619
- Oh, hell no, you a demon!
No, no, you a demon.
500
00:20:41,741 --> 00:20:44,081
- Good night, everybody!
Thank you!
501
00:20:44,201 --> 00:20:47,951
[Cheers and applause]
502
00:20:48,080 --> 00:20:50,960
- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
503
00:20:51,083 --> 00:20:54,093
- Oh, yeah.
504
00:20:55,880 --> 00:20:57,800
- When you get married,
you can't hang out with a girl
505
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:58,974
who is just
a friend anymore.
506
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:00,721
- No, no, that's not true.
507
00:21:00,843 --> 00:21:03,353
There are some women out there
who are more than willing
508
00:21:03,471 --> 00:21:05,101
to let you hang out
with your female friends.
509
00:21:05,222 --> 00:21:07,352
- Okay, well, when
I meet that mythical bitch...
510
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,725
my knee will hit the floor.
36758
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