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1
00:00:02,086 --> 00:00:03,876
- Now I know
this plan is foolproof.
2
00:00:04,004 --> 00:00:05,714
Check this out.
3
00:00:05,839 --> 00:00:10,089
First of all, you and me
start working at the bank.
4
00:00:10,219 --> 00:00:11,549
Doesn't matter
the position, okay,
5
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,469
just so long as we get
in there, all right?
6
00:00:13,597 --> 00:00:15,767
Then we just
go there every day,
7
00:00:15,891 --> 00:00:18,521
do the work,
gain their trust
8
00:00:18,644 --> 00:00:21,154
until we get them
in the palm of our hand.
9
00:00:21,271 --> 00:00:24,231
- All right.
So how we get the money?
10
00:00:24,358 --> 00:00:26,228
- That's the beauty
of it, bro.
11
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:30,150
They deposit the money
into our bank accounts,
12
00:00:30,280 --> 00:00:32,490
week after week,
month after month.
13
00:00:32,616 --> 00:00:34,946
They're not even gonna know
they're being robbed.
14
00:00:35,077 --> 00:00:38,157
And then 20
or 30 years later,
15
00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:43,958
we walk out the front door
like nothing even happened.
16
00:00:46,797 --> 00:00:50,047
- Motherfucker,
that's called a job!
17
00:00:52,386 --> 00:00:55,256
[Soul music]
18
00:00:55,389 --> 00:01:03,399
♪ ♪
19
00:01:12,364 --> 00:01:15,874
[cheers and applause]
20
00:01:15,993 --> 00:01:17,663
- Hello.
21
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:19,036
Good evening.
22
00:01:19,163 --> 00:01:20,373
- Thank you.
23
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:22,287
- Thank you so much
for coming out.
24
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:23,456
Uh, I am Keegan.
- I am Jordan.
25
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:24,794
- And this is
Key and Peele.
26
00:01:24,918 --> 00:01:25,958
- Welcome to the show.
- Thank you for coming.
27
00:01:26,086 --> 00:01:28,916
- Thank you.
[Cheering]
28
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,417
Now, Keegan and I
have noticed
29
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,129
that there, uh, seems
to be a huge difference
30
00:01:32,259 --> 00:01:33,629
between white college movies
and black college movies.
31
00:01:33,761 --> 00:01:34,801
- It's huge, yes.
32
00:01:34,928 --> 00:01:36,428
In... in white
college movies...
33
00:01:36,555 --> 00:01:39,175
white college movies are always
only about having fun,
34
00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,888
smoking weed,
and stealing mascots.
35
00:01:42,019 --> 00:01:44,059
- Right, and it's all about...
[guitar-wail impression]
36
00:01:44,188 --> 00:01:46,858
Let's drink some beer
off of some titties!
37
00:01:46,982 --> 00:01:49,612
- [Guitar-wail impression]
Yeah, let's get away
38
00:01:49,735 --> 00:01:53,945
with date rape!
Both: [guitar-wail impression]
39
00:01:54,072 --> 00:01:56,372
- And in black college movies,
the... the lead always
40
00:01:56,492 --> 00:01:57,992
says this line,
every time:
41
00:01:58,118 --> 00:02:01,328
- "I'm gonna go
to college."
42
00:02:01,455 --> 00:02:03,205
Toward the beginning
of the film, "I'm gonna go"...
43
00:02:03,332 --> 00:02:05,002
as if someone
just told him,
44
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:07,375
"There's no way you're
gonna go to college, man."
45
00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:08,803
- [Laughing]
- "I'm gonna go."
46
00:02:08,921 --> 00:02:11,131
That's the plot
of the film right there.
47
00:02:11,256 --> 00:02:12,756
That this guy's
gonna go to college.
48
00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:13,933
- And in a white college movie,
it... it... it...
49
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:15,221
uh, college
is a given.
50
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,974
College is a backdrop.
- Oh, yeah.
51
00:02:17,095 --> 00:02:18,845
- It's about "How do I get
out of college?"
52
00:02:18,972 --> 00:02:20,312
- That's right, "How do I do
as little work as possible?"
53
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:21,932
- "Aw, man, I'm sick
of this trust fund
54
00:02:22,059 --> 00:02:25,689
and my dad
being a legacy."
55
00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:30,323
Both: [guitar-wail impression]
56
00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,942
- No, black college movies,
always the same plot:
57
00:02:33,070 --> 00:02:34,950
"I might develop
a challenging, rhythmical,
58
00:02:35,072 --> 00:02:37,032
extracurricular activity"...
- Mm-hmm.
59
00:02:37,157 --> 00:02:38,697
- "That's not gonna change
the fact that I'm going
60
00:02:38,826 --> 00:02:41,486
to stay in college."
- Mm-hmm.
61
00:02:41,620 --> 00:02:42,950
It's gonna be all right,
brother, 'cause there ain't
62
00:02:43,080 --> 00:02:44,660
nobody gonna try to kick you out
of college.
63
00:02:44,790 --> 00:02:48,130
It's a black college.
You're gonna be fine.
64
00:02:48,252 --> 00:02:49,712
- I don't understand,
when is gonna be the day
65
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,497
that we can have
a college movie for black people
66
00:02:51,630 --> 00:02:52,800
where we get
to act like fools?
67
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:54,053
- I'll tell you this
right now:
68
00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,724
When a black man dresses
like a woman
69
00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:57,893
in order to live
in a sorority house,
70
00:02:58,011 --> 00:02:59,641
we will have reached equality.
- That's right.
71
00:02:59,763 --> 00:03:02,183
No, actually, that...
no, that movie exists.
72
00:03:02,307 --> 00:03:04,927
Big Momma's House 3
starring Sir Martin Lawrence.
73
00:03:05,060 --> 00:03:08,020
[Laughter]
74
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,606
- Well, then, we have reached
the mountaintop.
75
00:03:09,731 --> 00:03:12,071
All right.
76
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:17,112
- Ahh!
77
00:03:17,239 --> 00:03:19,159
Omega Pi Omega!
78
00:03:19,283 --> 00:03:21,333
- Omega Pi Omega!
79
00:03:21,451 --> 00:03:24,951
- [Barking]
Omega Pi Omega!
80
00:03:25,080 --> 00:03:27,290
- Omega Pi Omega!
- Yeah!
81
00:03:27,416 --> 00:03:28,616
- Yo, brand me, son.
- Yeah.
82
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,170
- Brand me,
do it on my chest.
83
00:03:30,294 --> 00:03:31,384
- Yeah.
- Straight down the middle, son.
84
00:03:31,503 --> 00:03:32,553
- Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah!
85
00:03:32,671 --> 00:03:35,921
- Ahh!
86
00:03:36,049 --> 00:03:37,509
- Yeah, son!
87
00:03:37,634 --> 00:03:39,554
- Oh, yeah... yo...
yo, yo, hold up, man.
88
00:03:39,678 --> 00:03:40,718
Come on, wait.
89
00:03:40,846 --> 00:03:42,176
Wait, wait, that's...
90
00:03:42,306 --> 00:03:44,096
that shit's upside-down, son.
91
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,984
It... it's to the side
a little bit too.
92
00:03:47,102 --> 00:03:48,522
- Oh, shit, well, okay,
my... my bad, dog.
93
00:03:48,645 --> 00:03:50,055
My bad, dog.
You wanna keep doing this shit?
94
00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:52,318
Let's go!
- Yeah, man.
95
00:03:52,441 --> 00:03:55,111
I'm just... I'm saying,
yo, be careful.
96
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:56,315
- I got you, dog,
I got you... yeah!
97
00:03:56,445 --> 00:03:58,315
- Ahh!
98
00:03:58,447 --> 00:04:00,867
- What's up?
That's what's up!
99
00:04:00,991 --> 00:04:02,371
- Yeah.
- Straight down the middle, son!
100
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,542
- You can't go back
to middle now, son.
101
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,161
- What?
- We already committed
102
00:04:06,288 --> 00:04:08,828
to the upside-down
and to the side.
103
00:04:08,957 --> 00:04:13,377
- I got you, dog, yeah!
- Ahh!
104
00:04:13,503 --> 00:04:14,963
What are you doing, man?
105
00:04:15,088 --> 00:04:16,758
- You said upside-down
and to the side.
106
00:04:16,882 --> 00:04:18,132
- That's three omegas!
107
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:19,798
- Oh, man,
I forgot the Pi.
108
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:24,387
Yeah!
- Ahh!
109
00:04:24,514 --> 00:04:28,894
Oh...
110
00:04:29,019 --> 00:04:30,649
- Oh, man,
I mean, you know...
111
00:04:30,771 --> 00:04:32,611
that... that, man...
that... that...
112
00:04:32,731 --> 00:04:33,771
that could be
a rocket ship,
113
00:04:33,899 --> 00:04:38,109
or... or
a lighthouse.
114
00:04:38,236 --> 00:04:40,566
Naw, man, you straight up
got a dick on your chest.
115
00:04:40,697 --> 00:04:43,567
- Ahh!
116
00:04:46,370 --> 00:04:48,290
- What do we do?
117
00:04:48,413 --> 00:04:50,503
They told us at the station
to come down here and fill time,
118
00:04:50,624 --> 00:04:53,634
but, uh, there's
no story here.
119
00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:56,132
- In this neighborhood,
there's always a story.
120
00:04:56,254 --> 00:04:58,554
Here, gimme the name
of a mythical creature.
121
00:04:58,674 --> 00:05:00,014
- Mythical creature?
I don't...
122
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,593
- Trust me.
- Uh, I don't... a pegasus.
123
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:02,928
- Pegasus, perfect.
124
00:05:03,053 --> 00:05:07,353
Just roll,
watch, and learn.
125
00:05:07,474 --> 00:05:09,024
- They can stay in my house
if they want to...
126
00:05:09,142 --> 00:05:10,982
- Hi, there. Rick Nicholsby,
Channel Six News.
127
00:05:11,103 --> 00:05:13,103
We've had reports
of a pegasus in the area.
128
00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,440
Has anybody seen
anything like that?
129
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,524
- Aw, yeah, man,
I seen a pegasus.
130
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,320
I seen it, yeah, every day.
- I sees it too, man.
131
00:05:19,444 --> 00:05:21,034
We both see
that pegasus, dog.
132
00:05:21,154 --> 00:05:23,034
- Yeah, I saw it
with my own two eyes, man.
133
00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:24,906
That horse had
a big old snake head...
134
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:27,453
- Naw, man, it ain't
got no snake head, fool.
135
00:05:27,577 --> 00:05:29,577
Y'all, that... that horse
had some big wings, man.
136
00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:30,905
- Yeah, yeah.
- It's all flying and shit.
137
00:05:31,039 --> 00:05:32,369
- Yeah, that horse
had big old wings.
138
00:05:32,499 --> 00:05:34,129
Man, like, two sets
of wings, yeah.
139
00:05:34,251 --> 00:05:36,001
Y'all see the pegasus?
All: Yeah.
140
00:05:36,128 --> 00:05:38,498
- Everybody up in here
seen the pegasus, man.
141
00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:40,760
- Curiosity has brought out
large crowds
142
00:05:40,882 --> 00:05:44,012
to see the alleged pegasus in
this South Lennox neighborhood.
143
00:05:44,136 --> 00:05:45,336
- Look, there it is.
144
00:05:45,470 --> 00:05:48,850
- I'm gonna find it,
break it,
145
00:05:48,974 --> 00:05:51,434
and then ride it
to the pegasus treasure.
146
00:05:51,560 --> 00:05:54,480
- Residents say the creature
resembles this amateur sketch.
147
00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:56,064
- Kicked the fuck
out of my car.
148
00:05:56,189 --> 00:05:57,729
City's gotta pay
for that shit too.
149
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:00,028
I ain't got no coverage
for no pegasus, bitch.
150
00:06:00,152 --> 00:06:01,242
- He land on my roof, man.
Look at my roof, man.
151
00:06:01,361 --> 00:06:02,491
He busted it up.
152
00:06:02,612 --> 00:06:04,282
He busted
the whole thing up, man.
153
00:06:04,406 --> 00:06:06,406
Yeah, he been... he been... he been
sitting up there every day.
154
00:06:06,533 --> 00:06:08,283
- While many revel
in the possibility
155
00:06:08,410 --> 00:06:09,790
of seeing
the winged horse,
156
00:06:09,911 --> 00:06:12,291
others are not
so welcoming.
157
00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,754
- I just know this neighborhood
would be better
158
00:06:14,875 --> 00:06:17,125
if that pegasus
is put down.
159
00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:20,502
- I tell you this: God ain't
putting no wings on no horse.
160
00:06:20,630 --> 00:06:23,300
- Now, see, if this was
a white neighborhood,
161
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:25,255
animal control
would be up in here
162
00:06:25,385 --> 00:06:27,295
with a pegasus trap.
- That's right.
163
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:31,179
They can't take our pegasus.
This is our pegasus.
164
00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:32,478
- Pegasus up
in this motherfucker!
165
00:06:32,601 --> 00:06:33,981
- Hey, man, why you
interrupting me?
166
00:06:34,102 --> 00:06:35,142
I'm trying to talk
about the pegasus.
167
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:36,770
- Fuck you!
- Hey!
168
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,937
Don't be disrespecting pegasus!
- I love pegasus!
169
00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:45,146
- Yes, we're here live
on the scene in South Lennox,
170
00:06:45,280 --> 00:06:48,320
where riots have broken out
over the alleged appearance
171
00:06:48,450 --> 00:06:50,580
of a flying horse.
172
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:55,964
- Did this
actually happen?
173
00:06:56,083 --> 00:06:58,963
Did Mel Gibson actually say
to that woman...
174
00:06:59,086 --> 00:07:01,956
- His... uh, not just a woman,
his wife or girlfriend.
175
00:07:02,089 --> 00:07:04,089
- Right, whatever she was.
Did he say to her,
176
00:07:04,216 --> 00:07:07,296
"I hope you get raped
by a pack of niggers"?
177
00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:08,967
- Yes, he did.
- What?
178
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:12,346
- He is the most racist man
in the world, yes.
179
00:07:12,474 --> 00:07:15,434
- But, seriously, no...
and, for the record,
180
00:07:15,560 --> 00:07:17,140
if... if he had said,
181
00:07:17,270 --> 00:07:19,270
"I hope you get raped by a pack
of African-Americans"...
182
00:07:19,397 --> 00:07:20,897
- Not better, not better.
- Doesn't fix it.
183
00:07:21,024 --> 00:07:23,654
Doesn't even fix it,
it's that racist.
184
00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:27,067
- Because "pack" always
denotes non-human.
185
00:07:27,197 --> 00:07:28,987
- It means animals.
- It means animals every time.
186
00:07:29,116 --> 00:07:31,196
- No, I-I would've
rather he said, uh,
187
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,366
"I hope you get raped
by a group of niggers."
188
00:07:33,495 --> 00:07:34,535
- Mm-hmm.
- Uh...
189
00:07:34,663 --> 00:07:36,543
"A, uh, gathering of niggers"
190
00:07:36,665 --> 00:07:37,705
would have been fine.
191
00:07:37,833 --> 00:07:39,923
- "Congregation."
192
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,293
- A congre... please.
193
00:07:41,419 --> 00:07:43,999
[Applause]
194
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,841
No, but it's,
like, a pack.
195
00:07:45,966 --> 00:07:47,296
"Pack" is the most
racist thing
196
00:07:47,425 --> 00:07:48,795
I've ever heard anyone say
in my life.
197
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:50,757
- I would rather someone say,
"You got raped
198
00:07:50,887 --> 00:07:52,177
by a group of niggers,"
199
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:54,635
than "A pack
of African-Americans
200
00:07:54,766 --> 00:07:56,426
went to a physics
presentation."
201
00:07:56,560 --> 00:07:58,350
- Yes, yes.
[Laughter]
202
00:07:58,478 --> 00:08:00,228
Right?
- I would be less offended.
203
00:08:02,566 --> 00:08:04,526
- Hey, did you
see that nigga?
204
00:08:04,651 --> 00:08:07,031
- That nigga
looked like Busta Rhymes
205
00:08:07,154 --> 00:08:09,284
and Maya Angelou
had a baby.
206
00:08:09,406 --> 00:08:11,866
All: [laughing]
- Yeah, yeah.
207
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,202
That was
one jacked-up-looking nigger.
208
00:08:15,328 --> 00:08:19,828
[Nervously laughing]
209
00:08:19,958 --> 00:08:22,168
- Uh-oh.
You just dropped the N-word,
210
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,214
but you're not an "N."
211
00:08:24,337 --> 00:08:26,917
Lucky for you, there's a way
to avoid these situations.
212
00:08:27,048 --> 00:08:28,468
Introducing
the new smartphone application:
213
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,972
The negraph.
214
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:32,183
Finally, a technology
specifically designed
215
00:08:32,304 --> 00:08:35,394
to help you determine whether
or not you can drop the N-bomb.
216
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,675
- I can say it!
217
00:08:36,808 --> 00:08:39,228
All: We can
all say it!
218
00:08:39,352 --> 00:08:41,402
- Not in this lifetime.
219
00:08:41,521 --> 00:08:43,861
- To see your negraph,
just enter your name,
220
00:08:43,982 --> 00:08:45,862
age, and color
of your skin,
221
00:08:45,984 --> 00:08:48,824
or just the color
of your skin.
222
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:52,405
- I've got the negraph
on my phone and my iPad.
223
00:08:52,532 --> 00:08:54,412
My phone says
I can't ever say it.
224
00:08:54,534 --> 00:08:56,994
My iPad says
I can't ever say it...
225
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,330
but bigger!
226
00:08:58,455 --> 00:09:01,075
- The negraph...
can you say the N-word?
227
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,878
- I can say nigger
all day long.
228
00:09:04,002 --> 00:09:06,092
All: Nigger!
229
00:09:06,213 --> 00:09:08,343
- No.
230
00:09:08,465 --> 00:09:10,965
I'd like to, but...
says it right here.
231
00:09:11,092 --> 00:09:12,512
- The negraph.
232
00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:14,846
And also available
at the App Store, the fagchart.
233
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:19,482
- Uh, greetings,
adventurers.
234
00:09:19,601 --> 00:09:21,891
- Greetings.
- Greetings.
235
00:09:22,020 --> 00:09:23,400
- As you all
can see here,
236
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:26,111
we have a new traveler
in our ranks.
237
00:09:26,233 --> 00:09:27,693
Uh, this is
my cousin Tyrell,
238
00:09:27,817 --> 00:09:31,607
and he will be controlling
the player character.
239
00:09:31,738 --> 00:09:35,028
- His name is Kanye.
He's a giant, yo.
240
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:38,288
- [Nervously laughing]
Uh, dear cousin...
241
00:09:38,411 --> 00:09:41,371
traditionally, a... a giant
is not assumed by a player.
242
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,248
It is a chaotic, evil...
243
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:46,415
- Yeah, but I want
to be a giant, yo.
244
00:09:46,544 --> 00:09:48,504
All big.
245
00:09:48,630 --> 00:09:50,970
- Oh, okay. Fine.
[Laughing]
246
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,511
Well, travelers, you are joined
on your adventure today
247
00:09:54,636 --> 00:09:58,466
by a giant
named Kanye.
248
00:09:58,598 --> 00:10:00,058
Now when last we left you,
249
00:10:00,183 --> 00:10:02,433
you were at the Inn
of the North Star
250
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:04,400
in the town of Isledor.
251
00:10:04,521 --> 00:10:05,731
How do you begin
your adventure?
252
00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:07,855
- I wanna get
some bitches.
253
00:10:07,983 --> 00:10:09,533
Where the club at
at Isledor, yo?
254
00:10:09,651 --> 00:10:11,241
- Tyrell, this is
highly unusual.
255
00:10:11,361 --> 00:10:12,781
I think the guys probably
just wanna go on the quest...
256
00:10:12,904 --> 00:10:14,494
- Um, Stephen?
- Yes?
257
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:17,454
- I would like to join
Kanye the giant in his quest.
258
00:10:17,575 --> 00:10:19,615
- Seriously?
259
00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:22,708
All right.
260
00:10:22,831 --> 00:10:25,831
The two of you
enter the tavern.
261
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,079
What do you say?
262
00:10:27,210 --> 00:10:29,590
- Kanye the giant
orders Alize.
263
00:10:29,713 --> 00:10:31,513
- "Hmm," says the barkeep.
264
00:10:31,631 --> 00:10:34,431
"Uh, I know not of this foreign
beverage of which you speak.
265
00:10:34,551 --> 00:10:36,591
Perhaps you'd enjoy
an Elven ale?"
266
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:38,220
- No, we both
want the Alize.
267
00:10:38,346 --> 00:10:39,756
- Alize does not exist
in this world.
268
00:10:39,889 --> 00:10:41,889
- Kanye the giant
slaps that bitch.
269
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:43,177
- Oh!
270
00:10:43,310 --> 00:10:44,390
- Kanye the giant attempts
271
00:10:44,519 --> 00:10:46,399
to slap the bartender.
Here.
272
00:10:46,521 --> 00:10:48,021
The bartender
is half-Hobbit
273
00:10:48,148 --> 00:10:49,728
and very nimble,
274
00:10:49,858 --> 00:10:52,398
so you're going to have
to roll an 18 or above to hit.
275
00:10:52,527 --> 00:10:53,857
20.
- Blip.
276
00:10:53,987 --> 00:10:55,527
Slap that Hobbit's
dick off, yo.
277
00:10:55,655 --> 00:10:57,815
- Okay.
Gollin the cleric,
278
00:10:57,949 --> 00:11:00,699
would you care to restrain
Kanye the giant
279
00:11:00,827 --> 00:11:02,577
before the town guard
is called?
280
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:04,584
- Uh, I grab money
out of the register.
281
00:11:04,706 --> 00:11:06,456
- But... but... but Gollin
the cleric is lawful good.
282
00:11:06,583 --> 00:11:08,213
This act of thievery
283
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,745
would dishonor his gods.
- Hey, man.
284
00:11:09,878 --> 00:11:14,048
The only gods
is money and bitches, dude.
285
00:11:14,174 --> 00:11:17,804
- Ah! I accept Kanye
the giant's gods, and, uh...
286
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,887
yeah, I-I-I steal
some of the money too.
287
00:11:20,013 --> 00:11:22,103
- You too?
288
00:11:22,223 --> 00:11:25,353
Okay, would you now like
to continue your quest
289
00:11:25,477 --> 00:11:27,847
for the Lance of Caldahar?
- Fellas...
290
00:11:27,979 --> 00:11:29,359
we came here
for bitches.
291
00:11:29,481 --> 00:11:30,941
Where the bitches at?
292
00:11:31,066 --> 00:11:34,686
- All right, you see a bevy
of well-endowed wenches.
293
00:11:34,819 --> 00:11:38,659
- Great, I grab them bitches,
and we all go in my SUV.
294
00:11:38,782 --> 00:11:41,452
- Fine. Kanye the giant,
Udar the dwarf,
295
00:11:41,576 --> 00:11:45,116
and Gollin the cleric
climb into his SUV
296
00:11:45,246 --> 00:11:48,286
with their bitches
and their ill-gotten gains.
297
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:49,576
- And our Alize.
298
00:11:49,709 --> 00:11:52,589
Plus Kanye the giant
puts his demo CD
299
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,212
in the CD player...
- No, he doesn't.
300
00:11:54,339 --> 00:11:56,219
There are no CDs
in this world!
301
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,931
You know what?
302
00:11:58,051 --> 00:12:00,931
Do whatever
you want.
303
00:12:05,225 --> 00:12:06,425
- All right.
304
00:12:06,559 --> 00:12:08,809
I guess I'm
the Dungeon Master now.
305
00:12:08,937 --> 00:12:11,977
The Eye of Ona
opens up...
306
00:12:12,107 --> 00:12:14,017
16 titties
fall out.
307
00:12:14,150 --> 00:12:16,690
- Yeah! [laughing]
- Hurrah!
308
00:12:20,573 --> 00:12:24,283
- Okay, so occasionally
Keegan and I will be recognized
309
00:12:24,411 --> 00:12:25,951
on the street.
- Occasionally.
310
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:28,119
- Occasionally happens.
- Occasionally, yeah.
311
00:12:28,248 --> 00:12:29,918
Uh, uh, and it's
always by the...
312
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:33,091
by the same particular kind
of guy, every single time.
313
00:12:33,211 --> 00:12:36,381
- Yes, this dude has...
wears suit pants and high-tops.
314
00:12:36,506 --> 00:12:38,756
- Mm-hmm,
or conversely,
315
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,843
sweat pants
and polished dress shoes.
316
00:12:40,969 --> 00:12:42,469
- One or the other.
One or the other.
317
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,425
And you can tell
he doesn't know our names,
318
00:12:44,556 --> 00:12:48,176
'cause my man just talk about,
"Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
319
00:12:48,309 --> 00:12:50,599
"Ah, yeah, yeah, yeah
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
320
00:12:50,728 --> 00:12:53,188
"Yeah, oh, yay!
That's what I... yeah, yeah!
321
00:12:53,314 --> 00:12:54,824
That's my shit, dog."
- Yeah.
322
00:12:54,941 --> 00:12:57,941
- But then inevitably...
inevitably he will say this...
323
00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:01,859
- "Yo, but ideally,
dog, ideally...
324
00:13:01,990 --> 00:13:03,700
"We could do some
shit together, man.
325
00:13:03,825 --> 00:13:04,865
Ideally..."
326
00:13:04,993 --> 00:13:06,373
- Never met him before!
327
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:08,624
Never seen the man before
a day in my life.
328
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:09,956
- Straight up, but, yo, I'm
trying to get what you doin'.
329
00:13:10,081 --> 00:13:11,711
I'm tryin' to do
what you doin'.
330
00:13:11,833 --> 00:13:15,093
What you are, where you at,
where you at.
331
00:13:15,211 --> 00:13:18,921
So ideally, ideally, I be doin'
what you doin' right now.
332
00:13:19,048 --> 00:13:20,718
- Why "ideally"?
Why "ideally"?
333
00:13:20,842 --> 00:13:22,842
Of course, "ideally"!
- Of course.
334
00:13:22,969 --> 00:13:24,549
- Ideally, I want
to wake up tomorrow
335
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,719
and have my penis intact.
Ideally!
336
00:13:26,848 --> 00:13:28,888
- Ideally,
you would be wearing shoes
337
00:13:29,017 --> 00:13:30,137
that match your pants,
motherfucker.
338
00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:32,478
- Right. Exactly
[laughter]
339
00:13:34,272 --> 00:13:35,692
- Oh, my God.
So it's definitely happening?
340
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:37,975
We're making a record?
341
00:13:38,109 --> 00:13:41,239
Oh, no, I promise,
it's gonna be a hit.
342
00:13:41,362 --> 00:13:42,532
Hey, no, man,
thank you.
343
00:13:42,655 --> 00:13:43,985
- What's up, my man?
344
00:13:44,115 --> 00:13:45,865
I heard
about your record deal, dog.
345
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:47,452
You gonna keep it real,
now, right, right?
346
00:13:47,577 --> 00:13:49,077
You're gonna stay true
to your roots, right?
347
00:13:49,204 --> 00:13:51,164
You ain't gonna let down
your boy... your boy Dwayne.
348
00:13:51,289 --> 00:13:52,619
- Dwayne Washington.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
349
00:13:52,749 --> 00:13:54,579
- Ramsey Junior High...
- Yo, yo, yo!
350
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:57,249
If it ain't Craig,
the man of the hour, homie.
351
00:13:57,378 --> 00:13:58,418
You remember me,
I'm Teresa's cousin.
352
00:13:58,546 --> 00:13:59,796
You gonna keep it real?
353
00:13:59,923 --> 00:14:01,473
- Yeah, definitely
gonna keep it real, man.
354
00:14:01,591 --> 00:14:05,891
So, yeah...
- What up? What up?
355
00:14:06,012 --> 00:14:09,102
It's my favorite Craig, mm-hmm.
- I don't know you, man.
356
00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:10,814
- You don't know me?
357
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,144
Shit, is that
how it's gonna be, Craig?
358
00:14:13,269 --> 00:14:14,769
- No, I really don't know you.
359
00:14:14,896 --> 00:14:16,146
- You changed.
360
00:14:16,272 --> 00:14:17,562
- All right,
you good, you good.
361
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,440
[Phone ringing]
- Craig's phone.
362
00:14:19,567 --> 00:14:21,147
- Hey, youngblood.
363
00:14:21,277 --> 00:14:24,857
My girls take care of you,
you take care of me.
364
00:14:24,989 --> 00:14:26,029
- Oh, all right.
All right.
365
00:14:30,078 --> 00:14:31,118
Oh!
366
00:14:31,246 --> 00:14:34,076
[Party music]
367
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:35,497
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, all right.
368
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:39,995
♪ ♪
369
00:14:40,129 --> 00:14:42,549
[phone ringing]
- Hello, Craig's phone.
370
00:14:42,674 --> 00:14:43,924
It's for you, brother.
- Aww.
371
00:14:44,050 --> 00:14:46,470
Thanks, man. Thanks.
All right, hello?
372
00:14:46,594 --> 00:14:48,934
Yeah.
373
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:51,425
It fell through?
374
00:14:51,558 --> 00:14:54,228
It's not happening?
375
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:56,062
Damn, man...
376
00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:59,767
No, it's all right.
Thanks anyway.
377
00:14:59,899 --> 00:15:00,939
Sorry, everybod...
378
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,107
[wind blowing]
379
00:15:06,364 --> 00:15:08,374
[Train whistle blows]
380
00:15:11,869 --> 00:15:13,869
Damn.
381
00:15:16,416 --> 00:15:19,836
[Hail to the Chief playing]
382
00:15:19,961 --> 00:15:21,841
Good evening,
my fellow Americans.
383
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:26,133
Now before we begin, I'd like
to once again introduce you
384
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:29,219
to my anger translator Luther.
- Hi.
385
00:15:29,345 --> 00:15:32,135
- Now this November,
I want each and every one of you
386
00:15:32,265 --> 00:15:35,725
to ask yourselves, "What has
changed in the last four years?"
387
00:15:35,852 --> 00:15:38,562
- Who killed
Osama bin Laden?
388
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:40,898
- What has my administration
accomplished?
389
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,484
- Did we accomplish killing
America's biggest enemy?
390
00:15:43,610 --> 00:15:46,450
Uh, check,
did that, boom!
391
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:51,071
- In 2011 alone, we created more
jobs than George W. Bush did
392
00:15:51,200 --> 00:15:52,910
in all eight years
of his office.
393
00:15:53,036 --> 00:15:54,406
- Except
for "Osama bin Laden hunter,"
394
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,247
because that job
don't exist anymore,
395
00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,542
'cause I went over there,
and I killed him in his face.
396
00:15:58,666 --> 00:16:00,036
- We helped make health care
397
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,338
accessible to more Americans
398
00:16:01,461 --> 00:16:02,961
than ever before.
399
00:16:03,087 --> 00:16:04,377
- I'm sorry, what'd you say?
400
00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:05,875
Your World Trade Center hurts?
401
00:16:06,007 --> 00:16:07,257
Then why don't you take
two dead bin Ladens
402
00:16:07,383 --> 00:16:09,973
and call me
in the morning, biz-itch?
403
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:12,304
- This election,
make the decision
404
00:16:12,430 --> 00:16:15,270
that you think best serves
the future of this country.
405
00:16:15,391 --> 00:16:17,481
- Or you can eat
a dum-dum sandwich
406
00:16:17,602 --> 00:16:19,942
and just vote for the person
who didn't kill Osama bin Laden.
407
00:16:20,063 --> 00:16:22,653
But why would you do it?
Why would you do it?
408
00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:23,864
I mean, God damn.
409
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,493
- I plan to run
a clean campaign,
410
00:16:26,611 --> 00:16:29,151
one based on the issues
and the accomplishments
411
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,530
of my administration.
- Mm-hmm.
412
00:16:30,657 --> 00:16:32,277
But I'm gonna
tell you right now,
413
00:16:32,408 --> 00:16:35,988
if the Republicans... if they
had caught Osama bin Laden,
414
00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:37,500
there wouldn't even be
an election, man.
415
00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:39,002
They'd just put
a crown on his head,
416
00:16:39,123 --> 00:16:40,713
and give him a castle,
and just call him
417
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:42,463
the King of America,
and that'd be it.
418
00:16:42,585 --> 00:16:43,835
I said,
that'd be it!
419
00:16:43,961 --> 00:16:45,501
- All right,
all right, all right.
420
00:16:45,630 --> 00:16:47,630
Just, you know, bring it down
a notch, there, Luther.
421
00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:49,087
- Okay, come on,
Luther, man,
422
00:16:49,217 --> 00:16:50,507
you're straight up
out of control, brother.
423
00:16:50,635 --> 00:16:52,045
- Well, I...
it's not that bad.
424
00:16:52,178 --> 00:16:53,638
- Okay, don't beat
yourself up, it's okay.
425
00:16:53,763 --> 00:16:55,353
- [Coughing]
'Scuse me.
426
00:16:55,473 --> 00:16:57,023
- Can a nigga
get a lozenge?
427
00:16:57,141 --> 00:16:59,351
- Now, Luther, you... you...
you can't say that word.
428
00:16:59,477 --> 00:17:01,187
- Oh...
429
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,652
actually it says right here,
I can say it whenever I want.
430
00:17:06,317 --> 00:17:09,697
- I guess I can say it too.
431
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:13,661
Good night, my niggas.
432
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,663
[Hail to the Chief playing]
433
00:17:16,786 --> 00:17:21,036
♪ ♪
434
00:17:24,961 --> 00:17:27,091
- Okay, so here's
a very sad thing...
435
00:17:27,213 --> 00:17:29,633
Jordan and I
could not be rappers.
436
00:17:29,757 --> 00:17:32,837
Couldn't do it.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
437
00:17:32,969 --> 00:17:35,599
- Seriously, Jordan?
Are you seriously fronting?
438
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:38,562
We have absolutely
no street cred whatsoever.
439
00:17:38,683 --> 00:17:42,273
What am I supposed to rap about,
my master's degree in fine arts?
440
00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,105
[Cheers and applause]
441
00:17:45,231 --> 00:17:48,481
- I-I did... I-I-I dropped out
of college, so, you know,
442
00:17:48,609 --> 00:17:49,989
I still got that...
I still got that...
443
00:17:50,111 --> 00:17:53,321
- You dropped out
of Sarah Lawrence College
444
00:17:53,448 --> 00:17:55,198
in Westchester County,
445
00:17:55,324 --> 00:17:57,584
which makes you educated
and a lesbian.
446
00:17:57,702 --> 00:18:00,292
- I'm saying... it's just,
you gotta twist it, man.
447
00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:01,543
You just gotta...
- Oh, you gotta twist it.
448
00:18:01,664 --> 00:18:03,044
- Yeah.
- You gotta... you gotta twist it.
449
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:04,206
- I'm talking about...
yeah, you... you do!
450
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:05,833
Talking about,
yo, check it...
451
00:18:05,960 --> 00:18:07,710
[beat-boxing]
452
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,047
♪ Yo, NYC,
born and raised ♪
453
00:18:10,173 --> 00:18:11,423
♪ In the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪...
454
00:18:11,549 --> 00:18:15,009
- No, you did not!
No, you didn't.
455
00:18:15,136 --> 00:18:17,796
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air?
- Hold up, hold up, hold up.
456
00:18:17,930 --> 00:18:19,770
All right, I ain't finished,
I ain't finished:
457
00:18:19,891 --> 00:18:21,931
♪ Yo, all I had was my smarts,
and then the liberal arts ♪...
458
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:23,519
- No!
- ♪ Came into my life ♪...
459
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:25,104
- No, can't...
- All right...
460
00:18:25,229 --> 00:18:27,439
- No, because you cannot say
the words "liberal arts"
461
00:18:27,565 --> 00:18:28,855
in a rap song.
- Fine.
462
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:33,947
[Hip-hop instrumental,
sirens wailing]
463
00:18:34,071 --> 00:18:35,611
♪ ♪
464
00:18:35,740 --> 00:18:38,280
All y'all rappers out there
think y'all hard
465
00:18:38,409 --> 00:18:40,789
'cause what y'all
been through?
466
00:18:40,912 --> 00:18:42,332
Hey, check it out.
467
00:18:42,455 --> 00:18:44,115
♪ It was Friday night chillin' ♪
468
00:18:44,248 --> 00:18:45,668
♪ On my front lawn ♪
469
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:49,002
♪ Me and my crew,
I had my bathrobe on ♪
470
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:50,798
♪ Everybody high ♪
471
00:18:50,922 --> 00:18:52,092
♪ Just watched X-Men ♪
472
00:18:52,215 --> 00:18:54,125
♪ Got plenty
chicken heads ♪
473
00:18:54,258 --> 00:18:55,298
♪ Ready for sex, men ♪
474
00:18:55,426 --> 00:18:56,756
♪ Busters roll up ♪
475
00:18:56,886 --> 00:18:58,386
♪ They tryin'
to talk smack ♪
476
00:18:58,513 --> 00:19:00,393
♪ Don't these
niggas know ♪
477
00:19:00,515 --> 00:19:01,925
♪ They fuckin'
with Tha Mack? ♪
478
00:19:02,058 --> 00:19:03,138
♪ Dude pulled his nine ♪
479
00:19:03,267 --> 00:19:05,017
♪ I knew homies seen us ♪
480
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:06,484
♪ He pulled
two shots ♪
481
00:19:06,604 --> 00:19:08,024
♪ Somehow my penis
got between us ♪
482
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,267
♪ I got shot
in the dick ♪
483
00:19:09,398 --> 00:19:10,818
♪ Shot, shot
in the dick ♪
484
00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,532
♪ I got shot
in the dick ♪
485
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,402
- ♪ But his dick's
still standing ♪
486
00:19:14,529 --> 00:19:15,609
- ♪ Shot in the dick ♪
487
00:19:15,738 --> 00:19:17,448
♪ Shot, shot in the dick ♪
488
00:19:17,573 --> 00:19:18,953
♪ I got shot
in the dick ♪
489
00:19:19,075 --> 00:19:20,985
- ♪ But his dick's
still standing ♪
490
00:19:21,118 --> 00:19:23,908
[gunshots]
491
00:19:24,038 --> 00:19:27,078
♪ ♪
492
00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:29,578
- ♪ Went back
to my palace fast ♪
493
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:33,880
♪ Now I'm the dude walking
'round with a phallus cast ♪
494
00:19:34,006 --> 00:19:36,546
♪ Like Wolverine,
I'm trying to be a loner ♪
495
00:19:36,676 --> 00:19:40,176
♪ But they think a nigga
got an adamantium boner ♪
496
00:19:40,304 --> 00:19:41,854
♪ What can I say? ♪
497
00:19:41,973 --> 00:19:43,773
♪ They still up
on my totem pole ♪
498
00:19:43,891 --> 00:19:46,391
♪ Bitch, get your tongue ring
away from the scrotum hole ♪
499
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,139
♪ Don't know
why they love it ♪
500
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:50,231
♪ But it keeps
the ladies moistening ♪
501
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,936
♪ Gave half the honeys
in the 'hood lead poisoning ♪
502
00:19:53,067 --> 00:19:55,437
- ♪ Shot in the dick,
shot, shot in the dick ♪
503
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:57,110
♪ I got shot in the dick ♪
504
00:19:57,238 --> 00:19:59,158
- ♪ But his dick's
still standing ♪
505
00:19:59,282 --> 00:20:00,492
- ♪ Shot in the dick ♪
506
00:20:00,616 --> 00:20:02,076
♪ Shot, shot
in the dick ♪
507
00:20:02,201 --> 00:20:03,911
♪ I got shot
in the dick ♪
508
00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,826
- ♪ But his dick's
still standing ♪
509
00:20:05,955 --> 00:20:12,035
♪ ♪
510
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:15,919
- Yo, they shot
that fool in the dick!
511
00:20:16,048 --> 00:20:22,048
♪ ♪
512
00:20:22,179 --> 00:20:23,599
- Ahh!
Gee, fu... man!
513
00:20:23,723 --> 00:20:26,223
Damn, that hurts.
- What?
514
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:29,020
- Damn... no, video over, man.
Video's over.
515
00:20:29,145 --> 00:20:31,265
- No!
- I'm serious, man.
516
00:20:31,397 --> 00:20:32,727
Damn...
517
00:20:32,857 --> 00:20:35,397
[cheers and applause]
518
00:20:35,526 --> 00:20:36,816
- Thank you.
519
00:20:36,944 --> 00:20:39,154
- Thank you very much.
520
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:40,950
- He's got one.
- Yo.
521
00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:42,413
- He's got one.
- Check it, check it, check it.
522
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:43,873
Check it, check it,
check it, check it:
523
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:45,543
♪ Yo, all my boys
have my back ♪
524
00:20:45,661 --> 00:20:46,791
♪ While we're
playing hacky-sack ♪
525
00:20:46,913 --> 00:20:48,293
- Nope, nope, nope.
526
00:20:48,414 --> 00:20:51,084
Good night, everybody.
Safe home, God bless.
527
00:20:51,208 --> 00:20:54,208
[Cheers and applause]
528
00:20:58,174 --> 00:21:01,054
- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪
529
00:21:01,177 --> 00:21:03,177
- Oh, yeah.
530
00:21:05,765 --> 00:21:07,555
- Dude, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna put some weed smoke
531
00:21:07,683 --> 00:21:09,143
in your ear, dog.
- It's all right, dude.
532
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,558
I'm gonna take
this grenade and toss it
533
00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,437
in the fraternity house
for no reason at all.
534
00:21:13,564 --> 00:21:17,574
Both: [guitar-wail impression]
39862
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