All language subtitles for Key And Peele s01e03.BRRip.x264-ION10

- Where you at, though?
- Look at this.

34, 24, sha-bloimps.
- Blip.

- Blip, blip.

Oh, man, check this out, dog.
- Where, where?

- Look at this fine
piece of ass

all the way
down the street here, dog.

- That's what I'm talkin' about,
though, hey, girl!

- Damn. Ooh!

- Yeah, walk this way
with that fine ass.

- [Moans]
- Blip!

- Yeah, girl,
why don't you come down here

and put that in my mouth,
'cause daddy want a snack!

- Blip, blap, takin' a bap!
- Why you hurtin' me, girl?

- Brisket. Briskety!
- You're hurtin' me!

- [Groans]

That's deliciousness, yeah!
Yeah!

Yeah, keep it coming!
Ye...

And... and that is a professional
basketball mascot.

- That is a man in an
orange rhinoceros costume.

- Hell, I'd fuck
that rhino.

[Soul music]

♪ ♪

[cheers and applause]

- Hello.

- All right.

All right, all right.
- Thank you.

Welcome to the show.
Thank you for coming.

Uh, I am Keegan.
- And I am Jordan. Hello.

- And this is
Key and Peele.

[Cheers and applause]
Thank you, thank you.

- And, uh, Africa
is truly fucked up.

- Okay. You just came
outta the gate with that.

- It's fucked up,
Keegan.

- See, and I completely
disagree.

I would go to Africa
right now.

- No, see,
there are flyover states.

For me, Africa,
that's a flyover continent.

- So, you're
seriously telling me

you would not
want to see the Nile?

- No.

- You would not want to see
the plains of the Serengeti

- No.

- You would not want to see,
uh, Mt. Kilimanjaro.

- Kilimanjaro?

I'm more worried
about Mt. "Kilima-negro."

- No, you didn't.
No, you did not.

You did not just say that.
- I'm saying, look...

slavery was an awful thing.

Awful.

All I'm saying, silver lining,
it got my ass out of Africa.

- Okay.
- I said it.

- But things are
improving there, Jordan.

Things are different.
- It's not... lt's not...

It's not different enough.

I'm sorry, no, I refuse
to go to a continent

that's so bad
that people don't even care

if there are flies
on their face.

- Unbelievable.

- All right,
y'all gather round.

Gather round.
Welcome, gentlemen.

What a beautiful and blessed day
for an auction.

All right, y'all,
get on up there.

- Put that whip down
and see what happens, though.

- Straight up.

I don't care what plantation
I end up on.

I'm straight staging a revolt
in this motherfucker.

- Hells yeah.

- We have lot A,
lot B, and lot C.

- Uh, $3 on lot A.
- $3.

- 5!

- $5 going once, twice,
three times, sold.

Lot A goes to the man
in the black hat.

- I mean, good.
- Yeah.

- [Chuckles] I'm glad
I didn't get sold,

'cause I don't want to be owned
by another human being.

- Whoever buys me, they better
kill me the first day,

or I'ma go buck-wild
on the whole operation.

- Okaay?

- Next one,
get up on up there, now.

- Oh, this... okay.

[Both inhale]

- $6 on lot A.

- $7!
- 8.

- 9!

- $9 going once, twice,
three times, sold!

[Both exhale]

- Okay, well,
you have to buy that dude.

- It's a no-brainer.
- I mean, that guy's huge.

- A massive individual.
- That's two of me.

- Anybody would buy him.
- I'd buy that dude.

- My question is,
how'd they catch him?

- Next!

- Okay. Oh, yeah.
- Yeah.

- $2 on lot A.

- $2 going once, twice,
three times, sold.

- See, now,
that surprises me.

- That is interesting,
to say the least.

- I mean, well, it just seems
like at a certain point,

it's like, do they even know
what they're looking for?

- It's like
the whole criteria

seems just a little
inconsistent.

- I mean, at some point,
I want to be on lot A.

- Yeah, which...
Can a brotha get on lot A?

- Next.

- Oh, here we go.
- Here we go.

- Been a pleasure.
- Give 'em hell.

- All right.
- Okay.

- $8 on lot A.

- Going once, twice,
three times, sold!

- How does that happen?

- Nope, not true.
- What you just said...

that's gobbledygook, okay?

That can't be true.
'Cause what can this dude do?

Look at him.
What could he pick?

A cotton plant is,
like, this tall.

- Yes.
- No offense, brotha,

I'm just saying.
- Offense taken.

- Wha... [gasps]

Am I wrong? Is he not short?
He's short.

But you are actually short
in real life, in the world.

- You're good, man.
- Enough.

I will not have
my reputation tainted,

sellin' superficial,
bigoted slaves.

- Superficial? Did that really
just come out of your mouth?

- That's it!
This auction's over!

- Auction's over?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

No, it's... it ain't over.
It's not over!

I'm strong, y'all!

I'm very str...
I can sleep in a bucket.

- I'm fast, I got stamina,
and I know magic.

- My worst quality
is that I'm a perfectionist.

- Let me men...
Have I mentioned this? Docile.

I am agreeable
to a fault.

You should have seen the dude
who asked me to get on the boat

when we came over here.

- Not a violent bone
in my body.

- I just walked right on,
no big deal.

Never seen a boat
in my life.

[Soft piano music]

♪ ♪

- 'Scuse me.
I think we're ready to order.

- Well, um, I'm sorry.

That's not how things work
in this establishment.

Someone will come to you.

- Yes, we're sorry.
No... no problem.

- What was that?
- What?

- Well, where was
black Jeff?

- "Black Jeff"?

- Yeah, black Jeff.

I read somewhere that
when you date a biracial guy,

you're supposed to get
the best of both worlds,

so there are
white-Jeff situations,

and there are
black-Jeff situations,

and that was definitely
a black-Jeff situation.

- Oh. Okay.

- Hi, folks,
I'm so sorry for the wait.

Can I get you bottled
or tap water for this evening?

- How 'bout I bottle your ass
and kick it

down the stairs, man?
We've been waitin' half an hour

for one o' you
motherfuckers to show up!

- God, I'm so... I'm so sorry.
I'll get you a bottle

of our finest premium water,
on the house.

- That's what I said, bitch!
- What are you doing?

- Black Jeff.
That was black Jeff.

- But he was
just trying to help us.

- Oh, so, white Jeff?
- Yes.

- Good evening.
I'm sorry to bother you two.

I am the maitre d'
here at Chez Henri.

- Oh, yes, uh,
what is it?

- I am so sorry
to disturb you both,

but our establishment
has a certain dress code,

and madame's, um, decolletage
is inappropriate.

- Oh, my God.
We're... we're very sorry.

We didn't know
there was a dress code.

We'll certainly remember
for the next time.

But there ain't gonna be
no next time for you!

Lookin' at my woman,
and her... her ch...

deco... chocka..."chockalage,"
or whatever you said, man!

- Is there
a problem here?

- Okay, see, it was really
a simple misunderstanding.

It all started

with that motherfucker
right there,

who was disrespectin'
myself and my girl,

but we really
love this guy,

and he gave us
exceptional service.

- We're gonna have to
ask you to leave.

- You have to
ask me to leave?

Oh, you gonna have to ask
the black man to leave? Huh?

Actually, you don't
have to ask us to leave.

'Cause we're going to see
ourselves out.

And we ain't never
comin' back again!

Though we really
appreciate your help.

[Crashes]

Oh, Io siento mucho.
Watch yo ass, man!

Let us reimburse you
for that breakage, okay?

Right after I burn
this whole place

to the motherfuckin' ground
with everybody inside of it!

By which I mean
you're going to get

a very negative review
on Yelp.

- All right,
so we get most of our

knowledge of history
from movies.

- Yeah, and we have noticed
that, you know,

not a lot of, uh,
black movies about war.

- Right.

- And that's because
the military

was integrated so late.

So not a lot
of movies about it.

- But actually the military was
integrated before anything else.

- Oh, absolutely,
before anything else.

- And, by the way, white people,
not the equality we had in mind.

- Yeah.

It's like, "Hey, boy,
you want a drink of water?

"Go back
around the corner.

"You want to die
for your country?

Stand right here
in front of me."

[Applause]

- Well, there was
that one movie Glory.

- Yes, of course Glory.
- Glory's fucked up itself.

I mean, they just threw
a bunch of black dudes at a fort

to see if it was
okay to attack it.

- Yeah.

And then a dearth
of movies

when it came
to World War II.

No black people.
- No black...

I mean, there's that one scene
in Pearl Harbor.

- Yeah.
- Where just...

Cuba Gooding, Jr., falls out
of a kitchen all of a sudden,

grabs an
anti-aircraft gun.

Talk about,
"Show me the money!"

What is that?

- And then, apparently, white
people figured something out,

because during Vietnam,

they sent
all our asses over there.

- Oh, yeah, Vietnam.
- Everybody.

- Hello, all of my uncles.
- Yes.

- Welcome to the jungle.

- What is your name? Jackson?
This way to the draft.

- There you go.

I mean, again,
not the equality we had in mind!

- Yeah. Crazy.

All we wanted to do was look
at white women's asses

without getting murdered.

That's all
we wanted to do.

- That's all.

[Doorbell rings]

- [German accent]
Heil Hitler.

My name is colonel
Hans Mueller of the S.S.

As you know, we were
combing the area for Jews.

But it has come to our attention
that two negroes have escaped,

and are hiding out
in this area as well.

You wouldn't happen to know

anything about this,
now, would you?

- Uh, no.
No negroes here. Mm-mm.

- Uh, negroes? Ew.
[Chuckles]

Hell no.

- And, um,
what are your names?

- Leroy...

Heimer.

Leroyheimer
is my last name,

and my first name
is very German,

and that is because
it is Heinrich.

So, my name
is Heinrich Leroyheimer.

- And I am Baron Helmut...

Schnitzelnazi.

- Well.

Are you going to
invite me in?

- Of course!
- Yeah, come on in!

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
absolutely.

- Please, gentlemen,
sit down.

Now...

as you know, the negro,
not unlike the Jew,

can be a very
tricky creature.

Oh, that's fun.

We have developed
many tests to determine

if an individual
is, in fact,

an actual negro.

It's very scientific.

Like when we throw the beans
up against the homosexuals

to see if
the beans explode.

- Yeah, uh...

what kind of tests?

- It's interesting
that you would ask me that.

Would you mind if I...

removed your hat?

So that I can
measure your head.

The negro head,
interestingly enough,

only comes
in the half sizes.

It's one of the many interesting
things about the negro head.

Hmm.

Everything
seems in order.

[Both exhale]

- Well,
no negro heads here.

- I'll tell you what,
though.

If a negro head
came in here,

it would find itself
detached from its negro body.

I'll tell you that,
right here.

[Chuckles]
Am I right?

- This is very,
very good.

But there are so many
exceptions to the rule,

which is why
it's so important

that we have a test
which is fool-proof.

- Uh, m-m-m-more tests?

- You know,
hunting the negroes all day,

you really build up an appetite,
do you know what I'm saying?

Can I interest you two

in some delicious beets?

Interesting.

The negro
cannot resist the beet.

It is drawn to it
like flies to scheisse.

Well, gentlemen.

It appears I have
wasted your time.

I'll be on my way.

- [Exhales]

- Just one more thing.

I'm curious as to
how you feel about...

this cat toy!

Jiggledy, jiggledy!

Nothing?

Well, that's embarrassing.

I'm sorry
for bothering you.

You two are obviously
not negroes.

[Both laugh]

- Of course
we're not negroes.

- This is a no-negro zone.

- Thank you, gentlemen.

- Ain't no thang.

- Herr Leroyheimer.

Oh, that's new.

Baron Schnitzelnazi.

- What's goin' on?
Oh, heil Hitler.

- I'll wait for you here.
There we go. All right.

By the way...
[clears throat]

Are you, by chance,

related to the Dusseldorf
Schnitzelnazis?

- Yes, I am.

- How's your Aunt Frida?

- Aunt Frida? She...

is still...

fat?

- I don't recall
her being fat.

But who looks like they did
in college anyway, am I right?

- Not me. Not me. Not me.
- Not this one, either.

- 'Cause I was a...
You know what I'm talking about?

- Well, guten tag.
- [Laughs] All right.

- Oh, gutenberg!

[Engine starts]

[Car drives away]

- Whew.
Man, that was close.

Whoo. We gotta
get outta here, man.

We...

- He left the cat toy, man!
- Uh-uh.

- He left it!
- Uh-uh.

- [Laughs] Oh!

Oh! [giggles]

[Soul music]

- So here's the thing.

As black actors in Hollywood,
Jordan and I

keep going out
for this one particular role

over and over again.

- We don't get called out
for the average black role.

You know, like the gangster
who gets killed,

or the pimp
who gets killed,

or the black dude in Star Trek
who gets evaporated.

We don't go out for those.

We don't.

- It's always the same role
over and over again.

Tell 'em the role.

- Well, maybe 'cause
we're not intimidating,

but we always go out
for the black best friend.

- Always, always.
Because...

Always.

Because you guys
understand

that all groups
of three white men

have to have
one black friend.

- They have to.

- That's a rule.

- Well, he's cool,
it makes them cool.

- Right, right.
- It makes them not racist.

And, oh...
and the black best friend

always has the same lines.

I'm talking about, "Damn!"
- Mm-hmm.

Or like, "No, he didn't!"
- Uh-huh.

- And the ubiquitous...

both: "Oh, hell no."

- It's in every script
we ever see.

And then, of course,
there are also

phrases in every script
we always see.

Here's one of 'em.

"Now, ya all
clearly like each other.

So go back over there
and get her digits, dog."

- Mm-hmm.

What about this one?
What about this one?

"Man, you lucky
your pops cares about you.

You lucky!"

- It's ridiculous.

Not every black person
is wise and reasonable.

- Mm-mm, in fact,
for every Morgan Freeman,

there's, like,
five Flavor Flavs.

- That's true.

[Onscreen voices]

- [Slurps]

Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Come on, man,
what you doin', man?

That's stupid.

That's stupid, man,
don't do that, man. Come on.

- Are you kidding me?

- Come on, man,
don't go in there!

Do not go into
a crane shot right now!

You kidding me?

- Yeah, man, I hear y'all.

This movie's got
a inconsistent visual language!

- Half the time, this nigga
just shootin' all hand-held

like he
a dogma filmmaker!

That's funny,

since dogma
clearly forbids

temporal and geographical
alienation!

[Sudden music strike]

- Oh, I loved that shot
the first time.

When it was in Nosferatu!

- [Laughs]
That's right.

- I mean, this nigga
tryin' to do some homage

to the German expressionists
or some shit!

- It's a visual
medium, man!

Enough with this My Dinner
with Andre bullshit!

- I mean, has this dude
even heard of mise-en-scene?

Put some information
up in the frame, bitch!

- Oh, I get it. Yeah.
I'ma overexpose the film.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
- Get an ethereal look.

Man, fuck that shit!

- Can we just go?

- Hold on, honey, they're
actually making good points.

[Onscreen voices]

Hey, has this guy watched too
much Quentin Tarantino or what?

- Sir, we're gonna need you
to lower your voice.

Too much talking, okay?
Thank you.

I talked to him, sir.

He's not gonna bother you
anymore.

- Thank you.

- So, I am a pacifist.
I'm against violence.

- Well, except... with
the exception of video games.

- Yes, with the exception
of video games.

- And MMA.
- Oh, yeah.

- And, uh, Game of Thrones.
- Oh, yeah.

- And The Wire.
- Oh, yeah!

- And slasher movies.
- Uh-huh.

All right, let me rephrase it.
Let me rephrase it.

I am against violence
involving me.

- That's... that's clear.
- No, on...

yeah, on TV and movies,

that's where
it's supposed to be.

Where no actual person
gets hurt.

- I agree with that.
I agree with that.

- Which is why I will not
slap you high five anymore.

- Why... why?
- Because.

There's that one time.

He slapped my hand
so hard,

my shit just turned
into a pink mist.

[Imitates burst]

- It was...
We had done...

We had done
something comedically

that worked really well,
and I got excited.

I came... I had to
get in there!

- No, you came at...
- I had to get in there.

- Show... just show...
Show me how you slap high five.

- Okay, I'll do it
in slow motion.

What happened
was I came up in here...

I got my plant foot down.

- See, don't... no plant foot.
No plant foot.

- Just got
my plant foot down,

and then I got
some torque in my hips.

- See, what's the...
Why are you turning back here?

- 'Cause I had to
get that shit!

- No, man.
- I had...

I got some torque,
like, in my hips...

- No, this is...
none of this.

- Went straight
Tiger Woods on it.

- No, dude.
- Got the hips around.

- Why you gotta be...
- I got the hips around.

And then I just let...

This shit was a whip.
Just a straight whip.

And then...
- Aah!

- And got in there.

I got in there,
and then I...

I know you need to run,
but come here.

And then I got him here,

and I had, like,
a follow-through like that.

And I got through
like that.

[Hip-hop music]

[Music stops]

- You ready, homie?
- Hells yeah.

- Let's take
these motherfuckers out.

- Hold up.

Nah...

- What?

- We gotta
go back home, man.

- Why?

- I pooped my pants.

- What?
- Just now.

I just pooped my pants.

- You... you got diarrhea?

- Hell no, man,
I ain't gay.

We gotta go home right now,
man, let me change my drawers.

- Man, the dudes we trying
to smoke is right there.

- Man, how you want me
to smoke somebody

when I got poop
in my pants?

- Are you sure
you pooped 'em?

- Am I sure, nigga, am I sure?
- Yeah.

- Yes.

That is poop in my pants.

- That's nasty, man.
- It's natural, man.

- For a three-year-old.
Not for a hardcore gangsta.

- See, if you were
my real friend, though,

you wouldn't make
such a big deal out of it.

- Wouldn't make
such a big deal out of it?

Nigga, you a grown-ass man
who just shit in his drawers.

- Oh, snap.

- No, you didn't.

Nigga, you just shit
your pants again.

- Don't judge.

- You need to get outta my car
and go to the hospital.

- Okay, I see how it is.

See, I wouldn't do that
to you, though.

- You never would
have to do that to me,

because under no circumstances
would I ever shit my pants.

[Cocks gun]

Uh... [gasps]

I'm sorry I judged you.

- Apology accepted.

[Cheers and applause]

- Thank you. Thank you.

You're a champ.
Awesome show.

[Beatbox music]

Good night, everybody!
Thanks for coming out!

- ♪ I'm gonna do
my one line here ♪

- Oh, yeah.

- Not gonna give me a high five?
- Ain't gonna happen, Jack.

Why don't people call each other
Jack out of nowhere?

- I miss Jack,
and I miss the word "say."

Say, Rich, where you goin'?
I miss that.

- That's just '70s shit...
"Say, Rich."

- Say, Jack,
where you goin', man?

- What's up, Jack?