All language subtitles for Catch.22.S01E01

Subtitles by explosiveskull

[sirens blaring]

[breathing heavily]

MAN: Hey, can somebody
help me here?

Help him! Help him!

Oh, shit!

[dramatic music]

[multiple voices
shouting indistinctly]

♪ ♪

[shouting continues]

[gunfire, sirens blaring]

[shouting continues,
sirens blaring]

♪ ♪

MAN: Don't worry.
I'm turning--

[multiple voices
shouting indistinctly]

♪ ♪

MAN: There's something wrong
with the plane!

[airplane engines roaring]

♪ ♪

MAN: Man, just
got to keep going.

MAN 2: So you're helping the
boys on the ground after all.

MAN 3: I hope you die!
MAN 4: Got to jump, Yossarian!

YOSSARIAN:
No, come back!

MAN 4: I'm right behind you.
I've got to get it out...

[screams]

SCHEISSKOPF: You goddamn
spastics think I'm gonna let

you prance around here like
a Busby Berkeley chorus line,

then you've got another
think coming to you.

I make you practice marching
more than any other squadron

so you'll be better
for the Sunday parades,

and what happens?

We look worse.

SCHEISSKOPF: You look worse.

Just meet me halfway.

Don't I always meet you
more than halfway?

That may be why we
never meet at all.

Is it my fault?

Is any of this my fault?
I want to be told.

I won't punish the man
who tells me the truth.

I swear.
Oh, yes, he will.

I would be thankful to the man
who tells me the truth.

Why can you not walk
a straight line?

Why can you not turn
a 90-degree angle

after 11 weeks?

Why do you not seem to care
that we are nine days

from the Inter-Squadron
Parade Jamboree?

What the fuck
are you staring at?

SCHEISSKOPF: How can we
finally, finally--I beg you--

find a way of getting
this thing right?

I actually know
the answer to this.

No, you don't.
Oh, my God, Clevinger.

No, really, I was looking
at the parade manual...

Shut up.

About breaking us into
smaller groups to start.

You really need to shut up.
And the $100 question--

why is it so hard to restrict
the swing of your arms

to a maximum seven-inch
lateral pendulum arc

with a maximum four-inch
distance from wrist to thigh?

Peele, if you please!

Seven-inch lateral
pendulum arc,

four-inch distance
wrist to thigh.

Thank you, Peele!
Yes, sir!

Why is that so hard?

Why is that so hard?

Seven-inch swing,
four-inch gap.

Then we look tight.

Then we look fierce.

Then we stand out from all the
goddamn free-swinging arms

that seem to be the goddamn
fashion these days.

Then we win the goddamn pennant
because your goddamn hands

ought never move more than
three and a half inches

in either direction,
north or south,

from the center of your thigh!

But apparently we're all
a bunch of mongoloids.

He's talking about you,
Clevinger.

Reprobates!

And I've been staying up
at night.

I've been saying to myself...

"How are we gonna win
this thing, boys?"

And you know what'd do it?

I got a friend
in the sheet-metal shop,

and he'd make me little pegs
of nickel alloy,

and I could sink each one
of them into your thigh bones

and connect it to your wrists
with strands of copper wire

with exactly three
and a half inches of play,

because apparently we're all
a bunch of pansies!

So I'm asking you,
somebody tell me,

what is it
that I am doing wrong?

Somebody, anybody tell me,

where have I failed?

No, it's
a rhetorical question.

Sir!
He--

Soldier?
Jesus Christ.

Well, sir, I've actually been
thinking about this.

And, you see, I think
it's quite a simple solution.

What's your name, soldier?

Clevinger, sir.

Air Corps Cadet
Timothy Clyde Clevinger.

So I was thinking,
the problem lies

in the relationship
between the synchronization

of the whole unit
and synchronization

of the individual lines,
you see?

You start small
rather than big,

you divide the unit
into practice groups,

say six to ten men, well,
it's just human nature

to take in information more
concretely in smaller groups.

So, sir, I would
suggest your error--

Clevinger,
stop fucking talk--

♪ [Glenn Miller's
"Tuxedo Junction"]

♪ ♪

YOSSARIAN: This group small
enough for you?

CLEVINGER: I still can't
understand it.

What is there to understand?

They hate you.

They hate you before
you got here.

They hate you
while you're here,

and they're gonna keep on
hating you after you leave.

♪ ♪

I'm sorry, buddy.

♪ ♪

[airplane engines
roaring overhead]

♪ ♪

MAN OVER RADIO: As the lead
bombardier in the squadron,

everyone else is following
your cues.

So, with this practice run,
set your sighting angle

to 70 degrees.

[airplane engine rumbling]

Now, clutch in, turn
your rate and motor switch on.

The rate and motor runs
within five RPMs

of the chosen speed.

Here they come, Nately.
It's the Red Baron.

Take him down.
[mimics gunfire]

MAN: You know what's
happening to your rate index?

You're trying to find just one
point on that scale.

But watch the indices.

That's the only way you keep
track of where you are.

So get in the habit now.

So, you're lined up.
What's next?

Open bomb bay doors.

Okay, go ahead.

YOSSARIAN:
Opening bomb bay doors.

[wind howling]

[airplane engines roaring]

MAN: Level carefully
so you can keep

the vertical reference line.

Every calculation
must be precise.

And next?

Bombs away?

Correct.

Bombs away.

[wind howling]

[airplane engines roaring]

[man and woman laughing]

WOMAN: Whoo!

[laughter continues]

[grunts]

[laughing]

Oh, God.
Oh, God.

[both laughing]

[both breathing heavily]

YOSSARIAN: You know, I bet
I could name two things

to be miserable about
for every one you can name

to be thankful for.

MARION: Mmm, be thankful
you're healthy.

YOSSARIAN: Be bitter you're
not gonna stay that way.

Be glad you're even alive.

YOSSARIAN: Be furious
how you're gonna die.

MARION: Things could
be much worse.

Yeah, well, things could be
one hell of a lot better.

You're naming only one thing.
You said you could name two.

Mmm.
And don't tell me that God

works in mysterious ways.

There's nothing
mysterious about it.

He's not working at all.

You know, He's playing.
Mm-hmm.

Or else He's forgotten
all about us.

He is a brainless,
conceited hayseed.

[laughs]
I mean, how mu--

how much reverence can you have
for a supreme being

who finds it necessary to rob
old people of the power

to control their
bowel movements, hmm?

Why the hell did
He create pain?

Pain is useful.

Pain is a warning to us
of bodily dangers.

And who created the dangers?

Yeah, He was certainly being--
He was certainly being

charitable when
He gave us pain.

Why couldn't He have used
a-a doorbell to let us know?

[both laughing]

Or one of--Or one of His
celestial choirs?

You know, when you think
about the chance that He had

to do something good,
and then you look at the stupid

ugly mess that He made
of it instead,

His incompetence is staggering.

Better be careful
what you say about Him, honey.

He might punish you.

Like He doesn't
punish me already.

Mm-hmm.

You know, one day
I'm gonna make Him pay.

One day I'm gonna grab
that little yokel by His neck.

You're gonna be
in so much trouble.

[laughing]

I thought you didn't
believe in God.

I don't.

But the God I don't believe in
is a good God.

Not the mean and stupid God
you make Him out to be.

I'm not making Him out
to be anything.

Mm-hmm.
I'm just reporting the facts.

[laughs]

♪ [Jan Garber Orchestra's
"Apache Dance" playing]

MAN: [laughs]
MAN 2: Take it easy, McWatt.

Get in the goddamn bunk.
It's almost lights out.

Hey, what time's the parade
drill tomorrow?

0600.
DUNBAR: Fuck, great.

Fucking meaningless.
They have a meaning.

YOSSARIAN: They're meaningless.
That's not true, Yo-Yo.

YOSSARIAN: Tell me one thing

that's not meaningless
about parades.

Discipline, chain of command,

working together as a unit,
geometry.

DUNBAR: Bullshit, Clevinger.
Yo-Yo, you're right.

There ain't one thing
he can name.

MAN: Lights out!

Cohesion.

Now you're just
repeating yourself.

CLEVINGER: No, I'm not.

No, you're out of your mind.

Parades aren't designed
to teach us anything.

They're designed
to humiliate us.

They're designed to make us
suffer the indignity

of doing something
entirely pointless

so that sadistic fuck
Scheisskopf

can demonstrate
he has power over us,

'cause apparently that's how
sadists get their kicks.

The more pointless
the activity,

the greater our humiliation,
and the more power he feels.

And we can sit here and pretend
all we want that there must be

some more noble
war-effort-type purpose

to all this walking around
in fucking rectangles,

but there isn't one.

We do parades so Scheisskopf
can feel like a tough guy.

That's what parades are for.

DUNBAR: Yeah, that's
what parades are for.

They disgust me.

Make me feel sick
in the stomach.

Yeah, me too, buddy.
Sick...

in my stomach.

DANEEKA: Feel this?
YOSSARIAN: Yeah.

Ah, God, that hurts.
DANEEKA: Mmm, how about here?

YOSSARIAN: Ah, yeah.

DANEEKA: And what
about when I tap here?

How does that feel?
YOSSARIAN: Ooh, rough.

DANEEKA: How does this feel?
YOSSARIAN: Mm, it hurts.

DANEEKA: And here?
YOSSARIAN: [groans]

DANEEKA: What about this?
YOSSARIAN: [groans]

DANEEKA: And how about here?
YOSSARIAN: [groans]

DANEEKA: Here?
YOSSARIAN: [groans]

DANEEKA: When I tap here?
[groans]

DANEEKA: Mm-hmm.

There's nothing wrong
with your appendix.

Are you sure?

Next time say
it's your liver.

Something wrong
with your liver,

I can keep you here for weeks.

There's something
wrong with my liver.

Nice try. There's nothing
wrong with your liver.

That shows how much
you don't know.

So how does a doctor
end up here, anyway?

Did you sign up for this shit?

Why aren't you off somewhere
doing regular doctoring?

Believe me,
I don't want to be here.

I examined myself
pretty thoroughly

and found that I was unfit
for service.

Now, you'd think my word
would be enough, but, no.

They send some guy from the
draft board to look me over.

Starts disputing my Four-F.

You know, John, we live in a--
in an age

of deteriorating
spiritual values.

It's really a--it's a terrible
thing when--when even the word

of a licensed small-town
physician is questioned

by the country he loves.

What's a Four-F?
I just told you--

it's my fitness
for military service.

I can't do these goddamn
parades, Doc.

They're gonna kill me.
Parades never killed anyone.

YOSSARIAN: I bet they have.
Not many.

Come on, Doc.
DANEEKA: I'll tell you what.

I'll help you out when I know
it can do you some good.

In the meantime,
choose your battles.

Parades are the least
of your worries.

Advertise your product or brand here
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[sighs]

♪ ["The U.S. Air Force"
playing]

[man shouting indistinctly]

♪ ♪

[man continues shouting]

♪ ♪

[man continues shouting]

♪ ♪

[militaristic percussion]

♪ ♪

Hey.

♪ ♪

[whispering]
Clevinger, are you okay?

♪ ♪

Hey.

♪ ♪

Clevinger.

[people gasp]

PEELE: Stumbling
without authority,

breaking formation
while in formation,

indiscriminate behavior,
mopery,

provoking--

Do you want me
to keep going, sir?

And his friend?
Uh, that'd be, uh--

That'd be aiding and abetting
all of the above, sir.

As to these charges,
how do you plead?

Not guilty.

And what makes you
think we care?

You're here because
you're trouble

and nobody likes trouble.
Do you?

Do I like trouble?
You think this is funny?

In 60 days, you're gonna
be fighting the Hun,

and you think this
is a big, fat joke?

I don't think it's a joke--
Don't interrupt me.

And say "sir" when you do.
Yes, sir.

Didn't I just tell you
not to interrupt me?

But I didn't interrupt, sir.

Are you
mentally retarded, son?

No, sir.
I'm just innocent.

I'm innocent
until proven guilty.

Says who?
Everyone, sir.

The Bill of Rights.
Yeah.

The Declaration
of Independence.

You believe all that crap?
Yes, sir.

I'm a free citizen
in a free country--

You are nothing of the kind.
You are a prisoner at my dock.

So you stand here,
and you keep your mouth shut!

Yes, sir!

Now, what did you mean

when you said
that we couldn't punish you?

When, sir?
I'm asking the questions.

You're answering them.
CLEVINGER: Yes, sir.

SCHEISSKOPFF:
You think we brought you here

so that you could ask me
questions

and I would answer them?
No, sir.

Then what the hell did you
mean when you said

that we could not punish you?
I'm sorry, sir.

I never said that you
couldn't punish me.

Now you're telling us
when you did say it.

I'm asking you to tell us
when you didn't say it.

When didn't you say
we couldn't punish you?

I always didn't say you
couldn't punish me.

That a bare-faced lie!

You whispered
that we couldn't punish you

to that dumb son of a bitch
standing right there!

Oh, no, sir,
I whispered to him

that you couldn't
find me guilty.

Well, I must be stupid,

because the distinction
escapes me!

You're a windy son of a bitch,
aren't you?

No, sir.
No, sir?

You're calling me a liar now?
No, sir.

No, what, sir?
No, what--

No, what?
What, sir?

Read me back the last line.
"Read me back the last line."

Not my last line.
Somebody else's.

"Read me back the last line."
That's my last line again.

Oh, no, sir.
That's my last line.

I read it to you just
a moment ago.

[grunts]

♪ [Tommy Dorsey's
"Song of India"]

♪ ♪

[breathing heavily]

I'm sorry, buddy.

♪ ♪

MARION: Do you sleep with me
because you like me

or because you hate my husband?

[chuckles]

A bit of both.
[chuckles] Hmm.

I could ask you
the same question.

Mm, you know,
I'd say you're not allowed

to hate him so much.

You should leave that to me.

Besides, you're
leaving tomorrow.

You'll never have
to see him again.

You know why I joined
the Air Corp?

Mm-mm.

'Cause I knew that I'd be
dragged into this shit

one way or another.

And I knew that bomber crews
required more training

than anybody else
in the military,

so I just figured war
would be over

by the time my training
finished. [scoffs]

Well, that was
wishful thinking, hon.

Mm.

Yeah, I'm beginning to realize
I may have been wrong.

[distant explosions]

[dramatic music]

[airplane engines roaring]

[booming]

[men shouting indistinctly
over radio]

♪ ♪

All right, time to target?

MAN OVER RADIO: 30 seconds
to the run, 30 seconds.

Compression.

MAN OVER RADIO: All right,
pay attention, boys.

MAN 2 OVER RADIO: Okay, steady.
Hold steady!

Holding steady,
three-four-nine.

Three-four-nine
at 9,000 feet.

MAN OVER RADIO: Roger that,
holding at 9,000.

MAN 2 OVER RADIO: Yossarian,
we're approaching.

Are you on a steady heading?

YOSSARIAN: Yes, I'm
on a steady heading.

MAN: We're getting hammered
back here!

MAN 2: "Yankee Doodle,"
what's your status?

YOSSARIAN:
Opening bomb bay doors.

MAN: Let's go.
Open them up.

Open them up!

MAN 2: Hey, McWatt,
reading at oh-four-two,

holding at 5,000.

MCWATT:
Oh-four-two at 5,000.

MAN OVER RADIO: They're gonna
have to get up a little higher.

Let's just hold it steady
right there.

[booming]

MAN: How we looking here?
We're holding.

MAN: Come on, let's drop them!
Just drop them!

Here we go.

MAN: Adjusting for drift,
three degrees.

MAN 2: Three degrees,
roger that.

MAN 3: On your left!

MAN 4: Oh, it's too strong!

[shouting indistinctly]

MAN 5: How do I know?
I can't see anything!

[rattling]

We almost there, Yo-Yo?

Steady.

Closing in on target,
fellas.

[gunfire]

Holy fuck!

MAN OVER RADIO: Yo-Yo, come on.
Where are they?

Holding steady.

MAN OVER RADIO: Can you hurry
the fuck up up there?

We're dying back here!
Holding...

MAN OVER RADIO: Come on!
And...

MAN: Drop them already, Yo-Yo.
MAN 2: Let's go! Drop them!

Bombs away!

[suspenseful music]

MAN: They're away!
They're away!

And we're off!
YOSSARIAN: All right!

Over to you, McWatt!
Get us out of here!

We're done!

MCWATT: All right, getting us
out of this shit.

MAN OVER RADIO: We're still
getting strikes!

We got to go!

Jesus Christ!

MAN: You all right up there?

McWatt, are you okay?

Fuck.

MAN: We got you, we got you.
You're okay.

♪ ♪

[groaning]

♪ ♪

Christ.

Oh, Christ.

MAN: ♪ A buzzard took a monkey
for a ride in the air ♪

♪ The monkey thought that
everything was on the square ♪

♪ The buzzard tried to throw
the monkey off of his back ♪

♪ The monkey grabbed his neck
and said, "Now listen, Jack" ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ Cool down, papa,
don't you blow your top ♪

♪ Ain't no use in diving ♪

♪ What's the use of jiving? ♪

♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ Cool down, papa,
don't you blow your top ♪

MAN: ♪ The buzzard told the
monkey, "You are choking me ♪

♪ Release your hold,
and I will set you free" ♪

♪ The monkey looked
the buzzard ♪

♪ Right dead
in the eye and said ♪

♪ "Your story's so touching ♪

♪ But it sounds
just like a lie" ♪

CHORUS: ♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ Straighten up
and stay right ♪

♪ Straighten up and
fly right ♪

♪ Cool down, papa,
don't you blow your top ♪

♪ ♪

[bell dings]

♪ ♪

[indistinct radio chatter]

♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ Straighten up and
fly right ♪

♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ Cool down, papa,
don't you blow your top ♪

[airplane engines
roaring overhead]

MAN: It is time to support
the war effort.

Buy war bonds.

Buy them
until we turn back Tojo

and there's a white flag
over Japan.

And what's more,
keep those bonds.

Hold them for your future.

This is Ed Davey signing off.

CHORUS: ♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ Straighten up
and stay right ♪

♪ Straighten up
and fly right ♪

♪ Cool down, papa,
don't you blow your top ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Fly right ♪

Hey.
How'd it go?

Oh, we took some flak.

I bet you did.

Fellas, hi.

This is Mudd. Henry Mudd.
He's your new bunkmate.

I think there's
been a mistake.

I think there's been
a mistake.

I'm fairly certain
there's been a mistake.

Well, it says
right here he's--

Well, he's bunking down
with you and Orr.

Right, well,
I'll leave you men to it.

Hey, Milo.
MILO: Hi, Reverend!

Yo-Yo.

Oh, hi.
I'm Milo Minderbinder.

YOSSARIAN: This is Mudd.
Henry Mudd.

Well, Henry, you've arrived
at precisely the right time.

I'd say there's plenty more
where these came from,

but there isn't.

That's how special
these two are to me.

Oh.
Go on. Take a few.

Now we're talking.
MILO: You too, Henry.

Come on, one for later.

Beautiful.

All right, gentlemen,
I'm doing the rounds.

If anyone asks,
these are going two for a dime.

Good to meet you,
Henry Mudd.

You can drop your bags.

Uh, they told me to check in
at the administration tent.

YOSSARIAN: Well, that's what
you should do, then.

Do you know where it is?

Well, you follow
this path up here,

and when you hit the latrines,
you take a left,

and the Administrations is
the second tent on the right.

Thanks.

I'll be right back.

Yeah.

Great.
That's fucking great.

Oh, fuck.
Third tent!

It's the third tent
on the right!

[groans]

[indistinct chatter]

KORN: All right, I want you
to pay particular attention

to this right here.

The heaviest flak is supported
right here and here.

Yes?
MUDD: Sir, I'm here to report--

Are you the gunner?
MUDD: I'm a gunner, yes, sir.

Crosby, your
tail gunner's here!

Hurry up, then!
We're going up in four minutes!

Now, this has been cleared
last week as another squadron--

Uh, sir, I'm a side gunner,
not a--I don't--

Go, go, go!
Yes, sir.

[jazz music]

♪ ♪

YOSSARIAN: What?
DUNBAR: Knife?

YOSSARIAN: I'm not your mother,
Dunbar, but here.

[indistinct chatter]

What's your name?

Major.

You're not a major.
No, no. That's my name.

Well, I'm not
calling you Major.

What's your Christian name?
Major. It--it's Major.

No, your--your
Christian name.

He means
what's your first name.

That's what I'm saying.
My first name is Major, too.

You're kidding me.
[laughs] You serious?

It's a funny story.

My--my mother was rather
exhausted from giving birth

to me--
she had lost a lot of blood.

Uh, my father filled in
the forms.

And he calls you Major?
It's my middle name, too.

DUNBAR: Let me get this right.

Your father named you
Major Major Major?

He came back into the ward,
and he said to my mother,

"I've named him Caleb in
accordance with your wishes."

But--but he was lying.
[laughs]

You're Sergeant
Major Major Major?

Uh, yeah.
I've--I've made peace with it.

Tell me this.
Have you had a tough life?

[laughs]

You can call me Caleb.
Even just Cal would be okay.

DUNBAR: Hey, fellas!

This guy's name
is Major Major Major.

[laughter]

[indistinct chatter]

Sir.
[chatter fades]

[liquid sloshing]

What is this nonsense?
It's meat, sir...

and vegetables, I think.

God, abominable.

I will have sardines
on toast in my tent.

Of course, sir.

ORR: Did you hear about
that plane this afternoon?

YOSSARIAN: What plane?

That plane went down
that the kid was on.

What kid?
Mudd.

Who's Mudd?
The kid from our tent.

Oh, shit.

He didn't even
unpack his kit.

[dramatic music]

He went down?
He's gone.

Done and dusted.

♪ ♪

Poor guy.

♪ ♪

[laughter]

♪ ♪

[laughter]

Oh!
[whoosh]

[all shouting]

MAN: Oh, fuck!
There goes the hot water.

MAN 2: Oh!

♪ ♪

Yeah, yeah, yeah, well, it's,
uh--it's a type of oil valve.

I actually know how
to modify that.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

I'm not sure I can
take this shit.

DUNBAR: A little cold water
never hurt nobody, Yo-Yo.

No, I can't fly
more missions.

CLEVINGER: We're winning
this thing, Yossarian.

You've already flown
16 missions.

25 and we can go home.

Yeah, I can't do nine more.

NATELY: Well, we're
winning this war.

That's what they say, anyways.

You know, Rome
is about to fall,

and the Germans are toast.

The Germans are toast.
Exactly.

No more planes.
Ground troops only.

And they're all retreating.

So why the hell are we
still flying missions?

'Cause we got to--
we got to polish them off.

YOSSARIAN: Well,
you can polish them off.

I don't want to be the one
who dies showing them the door.

YOSSARIAN: There's something
wrong with my liver.

DUCKETT: What's wrong with it?

Well, it hurts.
Where does it hurt?

In my liver.
Will you show me exactly?

Uh...

That's not your liver.
YOSSARIAN: Are you sure?

Well, well, well...

YOSSARIAN: Doc!
Let me guess.

Liver?

Thank you, Sue Anne.

Do I need to call the priest?
What are you doing here?

I asked myself
the same question.

I go where they tell me to go.

So...

are you actually
sick this time?

I feel sick.
Yeah, but are you sick?

I honestly feel sick.
So do I.

But that doesn't mean I am.

Look, I've flown 16 missions.
The mission quota's 25.

I have nine left to fly.
They're entirely pointless.

I mean, the Germans
are on the run, right?

So I figure I just wait
it out in here,

if that's okay with you.

So the Germans fold, and then
what do you think happens?

Then I go home.

You do realize we're fighting
a war in the Pacific right now?

And as soon as Europe is done,
if you haven't already been

formally discharged,
they're gonna ship you

straight out there, and you
do not want to go there.

They got malaria there.
Yeah.

They got fungus.
They got two kinds of fungus.

They got a fungus that gets
in your brain and eats it.

They got parasites.
They got leeches.

I'd fly your nine missions,
if I was you.

♪ [Johnny Hodges'
"Good Queen Bess"]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

Hello, sir?
[knocks on door]

Major de Coverley, sir?

[metallic clanking]

[Jeep engines revving]

[classical music playing]

♪ ♪

[horseshoe clinks]

♪ ♪

Hello, sir.

♪ ♪

Sorry to interrupt, sir.

But I think you're gonna
want to see this.

♪ ♪

What?
Where'd you get these?

From the highlands
of Scotland, sir.

♪ ♪

Is that so?
Yes, sir.

These are highland lamb chops.

♪ ♪

These lambs--oh, they're fed
on the richest,

greenest clover in all
of Great Britain all day long.

I have a friend
at the RAF base in Donibristle

who manages to clear
a little space for an icebox

on one of the courier planes.

I could have these
for you every week, sir.

Donibristle.

Sunday lamb chops,
we could call them.

Walk with me.

♪ ♪

MILO: They're not the easiest
things to come by.

If our friend in Scotland
is sending us a steady supply

of lamb chops--
Okay.

Give me another one of these.
Of course, sir.

If our friend in Scotland
is sending us a steady supply

of lamb chops,

I really should be giving
him something in return.

Now, don't get me wrong.
He's a lovely man.

But the lamb chop situation--

[airplane engines
roaring overhead]

As we all know, sir,
ours is a mercantile world.

It's a world of give and take.

Our friend in Scotland,
for instance,

has a fondness for Sicilian
olives, which I can get.

Now, if I was Mess Officer,
I'd have control

of the flight manifests
of the cargo planes--

the outgoings,
the incomings,

and so on and so forth.

Our friend in Scotland would be
happy in the northern mists

with his olives.

You'd be happy
with your lamb chops.

I could devote my full
attention to such matters,

and it's not just Donibristle
we're talking about.

Do you like strudel, sir?

Everybody likes strudel, son.

That's exactly right, sir.

And when was the last time
you had strudel, sir?

Not recently.
Me neither.

I miss it.
I miss it, too.

As do I.
Me too.

Well, it needn't be this way.

We shouldn't have
to miss strudel, sir.

If I was Mess Officer,
I could fix it.

What's your name, son?

I'm Milo Minderbinder, sir.
I'm 27 years old.

♪ [Benny Goodman's
"Sing, Sing, Sing"]

♪ ♪

[engines rumbling]

♪ ♪

MAN OVER RADIO:
Clear sailing today, fellas.

MAN 2 OVER RADIO:
Like a day in the country.

Clear skies up ahead.

Beautiful day
for a milk run, boys.

MAN OVER RADIO: Blue skies.
Cloud nine.

Holding steady
at two-four-eight.

Two-four-eight,
70,200.

MAN: Got to be on top of it.
Where we at?

MAN 2: Closing in on target.
30 seconds to run.

MAN 3: Copy that.
30 seconds.

MAN 4: Yo-Yo, you ready?

MAN 5: Yo-Yo, drop them, and
let's get the fuck out of here.

YOSSARIAN: Holding steady.

MAN: Oh, shit!
[gunfire]

Oh, hold on!
We got it! Hold on!

[man shouts indistinctly
over radio]

MAN: Look out!
Will you hurry the fuck up?

Jesus Christ.

Shit. Not a milk run anymore,
fellas.

Here we go again.
Hold steady.

MAN: Harvey, where we at?

HARVEY: Hey, McWatt,
bring her to 066.

MCWATT: Roger that.

HARVEY: Steady!
Steady!

All right, boys,
we're approaching.

Yossarian, what's your heading?

Hey, Yossarian, you got to
get above me.

[gunfire, bullets ricocheting]

Hey, Yossarian, you hear me?

Yo-Yo, what the fuck is going
on down there?

Yossarian.

Oh!
HARVEY: Holy shit!

What the fuck was that?

[screaming]

[suspenseful music]

Oh!
MAN: Holy fuck!

HARVEY:
What happened to Dunbar?

MAN: Was he wearing his chute?

[groaning loudly]

HARVEY: We're getting close!

MAN: Hold steady.
Seven-six.

Uh...
MAN: Here I go!

Okay. [groans]

HARVEY: You there, Yo-Yo?

MAN 2: Steady!
Hold steady!

HARVEY: Drop them, Yo-Yo.

Go, goddamn it!
Nately, we're holding!

Shut up!

Yossarian, we're approaching.
You got that?

I got it, I got it!

MAN: Ten seconds.

YOSSARIAN: Steady.

MAN: Oh, shit!

And...

MAN: Drop them!

Okay, bombs away!

Okay, uh, McWatt,
get us out of here!

Get us the goddamn
fuck out of here!

Oh, shit!

Oh, fuck!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

His face...

it was right there.

And it was one
of those moments when...

you know...

It couldn't have been more than
half a second--less than that.

But he was...

I can see everything.

Every hair in his nostril,
that crooked tooth.

And his eyes...

there was no life flashing
before them or any of that.

It's just terror.

That's all it was.

Shit.

Yo-Yo, that ain't right.

Gentlemen.
[indistinct chatter]

Gentlemen!
[chatter continues]

Gentlemen!

Gentlemen!

What's gotten into you
fellas today, huh?

[chatter continues]

[chuckles]
Come on, guys!

Because--

[gunshot]

[chatter stops]

What is this,
ladies' night out?

Hmm?

Is this ladies' night out,
by any chance,

Lieutenant Colonel Korn?
No, sir, it is not.

Are you ladies settled?

All right, then.

I'm Colonel Cathcart,
and as of now,

I'm in charge of you sorry-ass
bunch of homosexuals.

Now, I understand that you were
very fond of Colonel Copeland.

Well, guess what. Boo-hoo.
I know Jerry Copeland.

He's an outstanding commander,

and he is an
upstanding American.

And guess what.

Nothing changes, gentlemen.

Oh, the faces may change.

But our purpose and our resolve
remain the same.

We keep doing things the same
way we've been doing them

because we are the
United States Army Air Force.

And what is our purpose?

Anybody.

Unbelievable.
Soldier.

To defeat the enemy, sir.
To defeat the enemy.

Now, some of us--some of us are
making the ultimate sacrifice

on land, on sea,
and in the air,

while others of us
apparently think

we are at the Ladies' Auxiliary
fucking Fund-raiser!

You are American officers!

And the officers of no other
army in the world

can make that statement!

You think about that.

Now, let's get down
to brass tacks.

I am gonna toughen
you ladies up.

And here's where
I'm gonna start.

I have decided to raise the
mission count from 25 to 30.

That's exciting, isn't it?
You're goddamn right it is!

30 missions
effective immediately.

We're winning this thing,
gentlemen.

We're beating the bastards.

So three cheers for us.

Hip, hip!

A FEW VOICES: Hooray.

Hip, hip!

ALL: Hoorah!

Hip, hip!
ALL: Hoorah!

[all shouting]

You're goddamn right hoorah!

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Doc, look,
you got to help me.

Let's forget about the liver.

You can ground me
if I'm crazy, right?

Oh, sure, I have to. I have
to ground anyone who's crazy.

Then ground me.
I'm crazy.

You're not crazy.
But I am! Ask anyone.

They'll tell you
how crazy I am.

Yeah, but they're crazy.

Then why don't
you ground them?

Why don't they ask me
to ground them?

'Cause they're crazy.
That's why.

Of course they're crazy.

I just told you they're crazy,
didn't I?

And you can't have
crazy people decide

whether you're crazy or not.

Is Orr crazy?
Oh, he sure is.

Can you ground him?
I sure can.

But first he has to ask me to.

Then why doesn't he ask you?
Because he's crazy.

You'd have to be crazy to want
to keep flying combat missions.

Sure, I can ground Orr.
But first he has to ask me to.

And that's all he has to do
to be grounded?

That's it.
Just let him ask.

And then you can ground him?
No, then I can't ground him.

Why not?
Catch-22.

Anyone who wants to get out of
combat duty isn't really crazy.

Catch-22 specifies that
a concern for one's own safety

in the face of danger--
real and immediate--

is the process
of a rational mind.

What?

Orr's crazy, and therefore
he can get out

of flying combat missions--
all he has to do is ask.

But as soon as he asks,
he's no longer crazy,

and so he has
to fly more missions.

What?

Orr would be crazy to want
to fly more missions

and sane if he didn't,
but if he's sane,

then he has to fly them.

If he flies them,
then he's crazy,

and so he doesn't have to.

But if he doesn't want to,
then he's sane,

and so he has to.

That's some catch,
that Catch-22.

It's the best there is.

[door closes]

[explosions]

MAN: It's getting hot
up here, fellas.

MAN 2: Oh, shit!

MAN 3: All right, boys, just
hold it steady right here.

Hold steady!
Holy fuck.

Closing in on target.
30 seconds to run.

MAN: Okay, that's 30
seconds to run.

30 seconds, fellas!

[indistinct chatter]
[bullets thudding]

Hold steady.

MAN 2: Okay, copy that!

[gunfire, bullets ricocheting]

[airplane engine rumbling]

[air whooshing]

[glass squeaking]

MAN: ♪ If I only had wings ♪

♪ I'd fly like a birdie
in the sky ♪

♪ With a tra la, la, la,
a twee, twee, twee, twee ♪

♪ It's a pair
of wings for me ♪

♪ Take a trip
to the moon on high ♪

♪ Ask him why
he winks his eye ♪

♪ With a tra la, la, la,
a twee, twee, twee, twee ♪

♪ It's a pair
of wings for me ♪

♪ Dreaming, dreaming ♪

♪ Watching the clouds
roll by ♪

♪ I'd be scheming,
happy in the bright blue sky ♪

♪ If I only had wings ♪

♪ I'd fly like a birdie
in the sky ♪

♪ With a tra la, la, la,
a twee, twee, twee, twee ♪

♪ Get the angels swinging
on the hops for me ♪

[scatting]

♪ It's a pair
of wings for me ♪

♪ Take a trip
to the moon on high ♪

♪ Ask him why
he winks his eye ♪

♪ With a tra la, la, la,
a twee, twee, twee, twee ♪

♪ It's a pair
of wings for me ♪

♪ If I only had wings ♪

♪ I'd fly, fly, fly
like a birdie in the sky ♪

[drum solo]

♪ It's a pair
of wings for me ♪

♪ Take a trip to the moon,
oh, the moon on high ♪

♪ Ask him why
he winks his eye ♪

[drum solo]

♪ It's a pair of wings
for me ♪

[scatting]

♪ Watching those clouds
roll by ♪

♪ I'd be scheming ♪

♪ I'm happy
in the bright blue sky ♪

♪ If I only had wings,
wings, wings, wings ♪

♪ I'd fly like a birdie
in the sky ♪

[drum solo]

[scatting]

♪ It's a pair of wings
for me ♪

♪ If I only had wings ♪

♪ I'd fly, fly, fly
like a birdie in the sky ♪

[drum solo]

♪ It's a pair of wings
for me ♪

♪ Take a trip to the moon,
oh, the moon on high ♪

♪ Ask him why
he winks his eye ♪

[drum solo]

♪ It's a pair of wings
for me ♪

[scatting]

♪ Watching those clouds
roll by ♪

♪ I'd be scheming ♪

♪ I'm happy
in the bright blue sky ♪

♪ If I only had wings,
wings, wings, wings ♪

♪ I'd fly like a birdie
in the sky ♪

[drum solo]

[scatting]

♪ It's a pair of wings
for me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
it's a pair of wings for me ♪

Subtitles by explosiveskull

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