All language subtitles for Catch 22 s01e03.eng

Subtitles by explosiveskull

For many of you,
this Bologna mission

will be your last.

There's no other way
of telling you that.

Just basic statistics
tell us that.

So...

if any of you
should find yourself

on the wrong side
of the statistics,

and at the risk of stating
the obvious,

I would like to point out
that your sacrifice

will not have been in vain.

[upbeat music]

SOLDIER: Lorenzo, Leonardo!

[men speaking Italian]

SOLDIER: Good, good.

Yossarian!
Lovely to see you.

Hi, Milo.
How's tricks?

Good. Try that soup.

Gianni.
GIANNI: Huh?

Give Yossarian
a spoonful of that zuppa.

GIANNI: [speaks Italian]

Wait till you try this.

My God, Milo.

Tell me that's not the best
tomato soup you've ever had.

That's the best tomato soup
I ever had.

Jesus, those Italians
can cook,

even the little ones.

I gotta go to Wales today.

We got something really special
coming from there.

You won't believe it.

Hey, listen.

I have to--

I have to ask you something.

Anything.
What is it?

What would you say
if I asked you

to put this...

into that soup?

Yossarian,
those are laundry flakes.

I don't want
to fly Bologna, Milo.

A whole lot of us
are gonna die.

Yo-Yo, you tasted this.
It's a masterpiece.

It is, and these are
completely tasteless, man.

I promise you.
How do you know that?

Trust me, I--
just trust me.

This enterprise is built
on my good name,

and it's my job
to uphold that name.

Bologna's bad.
It's gonna be really bad.

And if we're sick
for a couple days,

the 10th Infantry will do
the job for us on the ground.

I'm the mess officer, Yo-Yo.
It's a sacred office.

My sacred duty
is to keep you fed

and well-nourished,
not to make you grievously ill.

Your sacred duty
is to keep us alive.

I'd rather be ill than dead.

Hey, uh, fellas.
BOTH: Hey, Yo-Yo.

Dinner tonight
is very important.

Don't eat the soup.
Huh?

The hell are you talking about?

Just don't eat the soup, okay?

KID: Okay.
NATELY: No soup.

[indistinct chatter]

[music stops,
chatter continues]

Here's to Clevinger, guys.

ALL: To Clevinger.

Clevinger.

NATELY: Poor kid.

Maybe he just kept flying,
flew off to Switzerland.

No, Clevinger wouldn't do that,
not without telling us.

Well, maybe we'll get
a postcard.

[laughs]

You want to come
to Switzerland with me, Yo-Yo?

Visit Clevinger?

I don't want to joke
about Clevinger.

Okay.

But want to come
to Switzerland with me?

Believe me,
I thought about this.

AWOL isn't the answer,

not unless you want to spend

the rest of your life
as a fugitive.

But it's all academic anyway

'cause you never have enough
gas to get anywhere useful.

Well, but let's say
you did have enough gas.

Where would you go?

Well, it wouldn't be
Switzerland.

The Swiss are legally obliged
to lock you up.

They're practically Germans.

If you had enough gas,
which you don't,

your best bet would be to fly
straight over Switzerland,

head to Sweden.

AARFY: That's what
your research told you?

Sweden's better
than Switzerland.

KID: Oh, why's that?

YOSSARIAN: Well, in Sweden,

you can swim nude
with beautiful girls

with voices like honey.

And, uh, you can sire
whole happy tribes

of illegitimate Yossarians

with any number
of Swedish women

who you don't have to marry,

and you can all live
in the same house,

and we all get along,

and the state supplies free
child birth, free education,

and launches
all the little Yossarians

into a life without stigma.

Everybody's happy,
and all my wives love me.

Do they really swim nude?

Totally nude, Kid Sampson.

Totally nude.

Sweet dreams tonight.

Oh, boy.

Yossarian?
Hi.

Hi.
What do we know?

About what?

About the big book
you were gonna read?

What big book?

The big book
on how I get to go home.

Oh, that one.
Yeah, that one.

Not much, and--
and I can't talk right now.

Why not?

What are you doing?

What are you doing
with your head?

I can't talk
in front of Cathcart.

He's not listening.

I'm making progress,
but I can't talk right now.

What progress?

[sighs, whispering]
I can't talk about it now.

Christ.

What progress?

[jazz music]

[men groaning]

SOLDIER: Holy Christ!

[man farts]

[chuckling]

How you boys bearing up?

Oh, not so great, Doc.

Hey, uh, there's no way in hell

that Bologna's happening
tomorrow, right?

Oh, Bologna's off.

"Don't eat the soup"!
[laughing]

MCWATT: You know
they'll just be sending us

straight back up there
tomorrow.

You'll thank me
one day, McWatt.

How long you think
the squirts last?

Huh?
Couple days at most?

We'll be right back up there
day after tomorrow, latest.

No, we won't.

10th Infantry is headed
to Bologna right now.

They'll clean out
those artillery guns for us.

Oh, man, you really
don't know how this works.

I saw the charts.
10th is less than two days out.

You really don't know
how this works.

YOSSARIAN: I don't know
how what works?

MCWATT: Everything, Yossarian.

That's the point.
What point?

What's your point?
Exactly.

It's all a numbers game,

and when your number's up,
your number's up.

Screw your numbers, McWatt.

MILO: Hey, Yossarian! Hey!

Jump in.

What the hell is this?

I picked it up in Wales.

I found a warehouse full.

65 on land, 35 on water.

When the war is done,
I ship 'em to Minnesota.

Hey, I got a bone
to pick with you.

They're still gonna send you
to Bologna.

So what was the point
of yesterday?

As soon as the men
can hold their guts in,

you're gonna go back
to Bologna.

Yeah, but this time,
we got ground support.

I got bad news for you,
my friend.

Your ground support
has been rerouted

from the Bologna road
to the Argenti road,

due to a mass illness
on the Pianosa Air Base,

but it's gonna be
all right, pal.

[brakes squealing]

[indistinct chatter]

I need to see the Major.

You can't see him
right now, sir.

Well, when can I see him?

When he goes out to lunch.

Then you can go right in.

I'm sorry, say that again?

TOWSER: Major Major never sees

anyone in his office
while he's in his office.

So when are you saying
I can see him?

Pretty much never, sir.

Hey, Major!

I'm gonna have to ask you
to leave, sir!

Major! Come--
Sir!

Yossarian.
YOSSARIAN: Hi.

Your man has lost his mind.

Oh, him?
He's--he's just--

YOSSARIAN: Oh, God. Jesus.

[exhales sharply]

So what's this progress
you say you've made?

What progress?
The progress.

You were going through
the operations manual,

and you told me the other night
that you made progress.

I haven't made any progress.

Did you read it?
It's very difficult to read.

We can't fly Bologna.

36 planes from other squadrons
have already gone down

in the last ten days.

It's a B-25 boneyard
down there.

Well, you wouldn't be normal
if you weren't afraid.

Even the bravest men
experience fear.

Let me ask you something.
Why did you join up?

Because it was
the right thing--to do good.

Exactly, and you can do good
from right here.

You can save lives
from right here.

I-I don't understand

exactly what it is
that you think I can do.

You're a Major.
You're Major Major Major Major.

You can just sign things.
Sign what?

The form.
What form?

The form to stand us down.

To stand you down, why?

To stand us down, you know,

for unreasonable risk
to life and limb.

I don't have the power
to stand down a squadron

or even a crew.

Then just me.
Stand me down.

Oh, s-suppose everybody
felt that way.

Then I'd certainly be a damn
fool to feel any other way,

wouldn't I?

So you want me
to stand you down

while your friends fly Bologna?

Why not?

It wouldn't be any more
or less arbitrary

than any other decision
that gets made on my behalf.

I'm not afraid of the Germans.

I am afraid
of Cathcart deciding

that I need to fly
more missions.

I'm afraid of the person
who decides

where the bomb line
goes on the map.

Who is that person?

And that's what it's
come down to for us.

We're afraid of a line
on a map.

Do you know
what that feels like?

To be afraid
of a piece of string?

[instrumental music]

ORDERLY: Sorry
to disturb you, sir.

We've captured Bologna, sir.

What--
Who's captured Bologna?

I don't know, sir.

I was in
the briefing room, sir.

The bomb line is now
60 miles north of Bologna.

Thank you, Private.

[upbeat jazz music]

Sir.
[shudders]

Sir, it's me, sir--Korn.

What is it, Korn?
I'm sorry to wake you.

But I thought
you'd like to know.

We captured Bologna.
[breathing heavily]

When?
Overnight, sir.

The bomb line is now
60 miles north of the city.

That's goddamn terrific.
I thought so too.

Yeah, so should I go ahead
and cancel the mission?

Of course you should
cancel the mission.

We're not gonna bomb
our own men, are we?

Of course--
of course not, sir.

Of course not.

Yo-Yo!

Yo-Yo, wake up now!

Hey, you want to hear
some news?

The 10th Infantry took Bologna.
What?

They fucking took it overnight.

Holy shit.
Holy shit.

NATELY: I get to see my girl!
I'm going to Rome!

[indistinct chatter]

MILO: [speaking Italian]

Which one of you
is Milo Minderbinder?

Oh, hello, Major.
That'd be me.

Oh, Mr. Lamb Chops.

That's right, sir.

Well, now, why is it, son,
that they tell me that all

non-combat planes have to be
requisitioned through you?

Chain of command, sir.

Emanuele, rapido, rapido.

I need a plane to Bologna.
Bologna?

We have taken Bologna.
I need to go to Bologna.

MILO: We've taken Bologna?

Yes, son.
We have taken Bologna.

YOSSARIAN: I don't understand.

Why don't you just pay
for all three

and send the other two away?

Because then Clara
will be angry with me

for making her work

and paying the others
to have the night off.

She says
that if I really liked her,

then I'd give her
the night off

and go to bed
with one of the others.

And they're $30 each?

Yeah, it's, uh, $30.

$30 is a lot of money
for pieces like these.

Besides, I've never paid
for it in my life.

No, you don't understand--

you don't have to pay
for a thing.

I'll pay for all three--
you guys just need to take

the other two so she doesn't
get her nose out of joint.

I just don't understand
why you--why you have to pay

for her friends
in the first place.

To make her happy!

You know,
I remember this one time

we tricked these two
dumb high-school girls

into the fraternity.

Made them put out
for all the fellas

by threatening
to call their folks

and tell them they were
putting out for the fellas.

And what is it, "putting out"?

AARFY: Screw, fuck, you know.

Ah, so you--
you tricked the girls,

and you fuck them?

Yeah, sure.
It was a bit of fun.

And the girls?
They were having fun?

AARFY: Yes, of course.

So you made them have fun, yes?

Yes?

You get a load of this shit?

I'm getting lectured by a guy
who sells women for a living.

I'm aware of my profession.

[soft music]

CLARA: Nate-er-ly?

Is problem?

I-I'm coming.
I'm coming.

Yo-Yo, come on,
will you take the other two?

Help me out here, man.

[music stops]

[bell tolling]

My good man.

Would you be kind enough
to provide me

with the name of the legal
owner of this building?

I wish to requisition it
for the fighting men

of the United States
of America.

Scusi?

[speaking broken Italian]

The...

SOLDIER: [speaking German]

[laughter, indistinct chatter]

YOSSARIAN: Yeah, I am.
I try to be.

[laughter]

Hey.

CLARA: Sister.

She's your sister?

Sister, sister.

Insects.

Ah, insetti. Insects.

Gelato--
I know this word.

Gelato.
You want one?

Okay, she's up for it.

What's that called?

Ice cream.

Rolls off the tongue better
than "ice cream," doesn't it?

Finestra,
that's window, yeah?

Finestra.

With an R, right?

Can you say "window"?
Try that?

Window.
Window, yeah.

Exactly.
[car doors close]

Yeah.
Yeah.

Wha--

Fuck.

She'll be back, buddy.

God damn it.

[engine roaring]

Major de Coverley
has gone missing,

and one of you fuckers
is going to prison for it.

I know you're here,

and I am going to hunt you down
like a jackal,

and I'm gonna mount you
on my fucking wall!

So, if any of you
knows anything

about my bomb line being moved,

now would be the time
to speak up!

Because I am gonna
get to the bottom of this.

You can mark my fucking words,
gentlemen.

This is a black eye
on the squadron.

A good man has gone missing,
presumed captured.

Maybe missing, presumed dead!

The person who did it
is in this room...

Right now--
I can fucking feel it.

Oh, and by the way,

we're going back to Bologna.

Mark my fucking words.

And you're going back there,
and you are gonna bomb the fuck

out of those fuel dumps,

and you are going to bomb
the fuck

out of those antiaircraft guns,

and I hope it's fucking bad.

And you'd better hope
that you don't bomb

wherever it is they're holding
Major de Coverley.

And I've got some good news.

I'm raising the mission count
from 40 to 45.

Oh, I knew you'd like that.

And as punishment for this act
of fucking treason,

I'm also raising it
from 45 to 50.

[men grumbling softly]

CATHCART: Oh, do I sense
discontent, hmm?

Well, look, fellas...

I'm not an unreasonable man.

What's say we make a deal, hmm?

If the repugnant swamp scum

that moved my bomb line
were to step forward

and admit his guilt,

I would be willing to lower
the mission count

from 50 to 45.

Hmm?

Effective immediately.

You fucking coward.

Dis-fucking-missed!

[indistinct soft chatter]

AARFY: All right,
that's 45 seconds to run.

45 seconds.

PILOT: It's getting hot
up here, fellas.

NATELY: Down there!
Just beyond the bridge!

There's a whole convoy
on that road!

AARFY: Yeah,
we're coming up on it now.

You all right up there?

PILOT: We got you, we got you.
You're okay.

PILOT 2: We're getting
hammered! Let's go!

[dramatic music]

AARFY: All right, McWatt.
Bring her to 043.

Holding steady at 4,500.

043 at 4,500.

NATELY: Is that it
down there?

MCWATT: Is that what
down there?

Fucking Bologna!
AARFY: No, no, no.

It's still 13 miles
to Bologna.

NATELY: Holy shit.

CATHCART: They make it
with a pesto sauce.

And the parmesan, oh...

It is something,
let me tell you, Korn.

It is something.

Yes, sir.

[siren wailing]

What in God's green earth
is that?

What is that?

[wailing continues,
plane engines roaring]

MILO: It's only me.
It's only me.

CAPTAIN: Hands in the air!

No, it's okay!
These are ours now!

I said, "Hands in the air."
MILO: Yes, I understand that.

There's been
a crossed wire somewhere.

CAPTAIN: Who are you?

I'm Milo! I'm--

I'm the mess officer.
You know me, Captain.

I feed you.

State your business here.

Business!
My business is business.

These are no longer military,
these are trade.

CAPTAIN: These are
enemy planes.

MILO: Well,
technically speaking,

that's no longer the case
as of today.

This explains, in great detail,

that these
are syndicate planes now.

CAPTAIN: What syndicate?
MILO: Our syndicate.

We're all part
of the syndicate, even you.

And these are all in order.

I said put your hands
in the air!

Of course.
Anyway, the Germans are part

of the syndicate, too, and so
what's happening today is,

the Germans are contributing
three cargo planes

to the syndicate.

CAPTAIN: Who are these men?

Are they Germans?

Well, yes and no.
They're delegates.

They're here today
representing the interests

of M&M Enterprises.

No, I know
what you're gonna say.

Sure, we're at war
with the Germans,

but the Germans are also
members in good standing

of the syndicate,
and they pay their bills

a lot more promptly than a lot
of allies of ours I could name.

So it's my job to protect
their rights as shareholders,

just as I will protect yours
as members of the syndicate.

CATHCART: Weapons down!
Put your goddamn weapons down!

[engine revs, brakes squeal]

Sir, these are German flyers,
and those are German planes.

And you did
the right thing, Captain.

Milo, have you got
those papers?

Yes, sir.
Can I lower my arms, sir?

CATHCART: Lower your arms.

Have you got the originals
and carbon copies?

MILO: Yes, sir,
they're all right here.

CATHCART: Korn!
Milo, I apologize

for not passing
the relevant information

down the chain of command--
hence, all this kerfuffle.

As of now, these planes

are part of
the M&M Enterprise fleet.

Beautiful. Follow me, sir.

These planes are a beauty.
They fly like a dream.

Watch your head.

Hey, that's beautiful work,
Luca.

Perfetto, grazie!

Very nice, Milo.

Very elegant.
Thank you, sir.

I think so, too, sir.

[dramatic music]

NATELY: 043 at 4,500!
043 at 4,500!

Are you reading me, Yossarian?
PILOT: Hey, can you hear me?

PILOT 2: This ain't the time
to fuck around, man.

PILOT 3: Yeah, they're really
lighting it up.

NATELY: Come on,
you getting close?

Yo-Yo, what's going on?

There's something wrong
with the plane!

There's something wrong
with the--

[transmission breaking up]

Something's wrong
with the plane?

What's the matter?

There's just something
the matter with--

[distorted speech]
KID: I don't know!

Who is that screaming?

This is Yossarian in the nose!

Yossarian in the nose!

Didn't you say there was
something the matter--

KID: I thought you said
something was the matter.

Everything seems fine up here.
Everything's all right.

[dramatic music]

I can't hear you.

KID: I said everything
seems all right.

MCWATT: Holding steady,
4,500 feet.

AARFY: Drop those fuckers,
Yo-Yo! Let's go!

PILOT: Come on, boys, let's--
[transmission breaking up]

I said I still can't hear you!

Is anybody there?

MCWATT: How close are we?

Are we dropping or what?

Hey, I can't hear you.
What?

I can't hear you.

I don't know
what you're saying.

I can't hear you!
I said I can't hear you!

I'm shouting as loud as I can!

Look, there's something wrong
with the intercom!

We have to turn back.
For an intercom?

We're not turning back
for a broken intercom.

[explosions]

Turn back, or I'll break
your fucking head!

You're kidding, right?

I can't do my job

if I can't fucking hear you
up there!

Yes, you can!
No, I can't!

Yes, you can!
No, I can't!

I think we need
to pull out, McWatt.

No fucking way!

Fine. Fuck you.

Jesus.

All planes,
this is "Yankee Doodle."

We are pulling out.

We have
a technical difficulty here!

[explosions]

Good. Good.

[tires crunch, screech]

Hey, you know
what your problem is?

You still think you're
gonna get out of here.

And you fly like you don't.
Exactly.

I fly however the fuck I want.

Sure, fly however
the fuck you want.

Just not when I'm
in the same plane.

Oh, it doesn't make a goddamn
bit of difference how I fly.

You're just a coward.

I'm the bravest
fucking man you know.

Okay, do what you got to do.

I mean, I'm not going to tell
anyone you pulled those wires.

I mean, I-I'm swell with it.

I mean, it's okay
if you're afraid.

I'm not afraid.
I'm just keeping us alive.

Oh, yeah, you are.
You're afraid.

Oh, Christ, you're ridiculous.

You know the difference
between me and you?

Me, happy, happy,
happy, happy, dead.

You, worry, worry,
worry, worry, dead.

Don't drag me
into your shit, okay?

[airplane engine
roars overhead]

CHAPLAIN: Sorry about today.

Just when you think
you're close to heading home,

ten more missions--I-I can only
imagine how that must feel.

He's a goddamn monster.

To punish the squadron
for one man's transgression?

I-I'm not a believer

in that sort of Old Testament
retribution myself.

And was it really
a transgression?

Well, to knowingly allow
your fellow men to be punished

for a crime you committed,

I-I would say
that's a transgression.

But what if the crime
wasn't really a crime?

Or even if it was a crime,
so what?

The punishment is irrational.

Should that man
be held responsible

for the irrationality
of the punishment?

I would have thought
that you of all people

would be incensed
at the actions of this person.

He's just caused you
to fly ten more missions.

I am.
I'm incensed.

Not to mention
poor old Major de Coverly.

[sighs]

Was it a prank?
An act of sabotage?

[scoffs]
What if it was an accident?

Well, I-I don't see
how it could be an accident.

My understanding is the bomb
line is a piece of string.

It doesn't just move
on its own.

We don't know that,
and Cathcart certainly doesn't.

How do--how do we know
Cathcart didn't do it himself

just to raise the missions,
because he's nuts.

He's crazy as a bedbug.

Chaplain,
insanity is contagious.

Everybody's crazy
except for us.

You and I have to be careful.

We may be the only sane people
in the entire world,

and we're bullied and insulted
and harassed

and shoved around
all day long by insane people.

And we do our duty,
mission after mission--

35, 40--then we're told
it's not good enough.

And when we object,
people like Cathcart tell us

any true patriot would be proud
to fly as many missions

as they're forcing us to fly.

You look at it that way,

I don't know
if this bomb line guy

really did the wrong thing.

I mean...
You know what I mean?

[indistinct shouting
in the distance]

[smooth jazz music]

[indistinct chatter]

CATHCART: At ease, at ease.

Sit. Sit, please, sit.

You did a lot
of damage today, boys.

Bravo, we gave them
the real what-for.

We lost 12 men...

12 damn fine men.

God rest their souls.

But we did a lot of damage.

Aerial photographs
are developed.

Bombing patterns
are meticulous.

So job well done.

Now, by way of saying
thank you...

of letting you know
that your brave efforts

do not go unappreciated...

I have asked Milo,
our fine mess officer,

to come up with something
special for you all.

A personal favorite of mine--
Baked Alaska.

Haven't had it
since before the war.

Come on, boys, bring it in!

There you go!

There you go, boys.

[indistinct chatter]

CATHCART: Milo, looks great.

[chatter continues]

[speaking Italian]

[chatter continues]

Goddamn yummy!
It's goddamn yummy!

Is it not, gentleman?
Colonel Korn, what say you?

KORN: Yes, sir, it's yummy.

[chuckles]
Milo, fine job.

Did you not get any?

I say, did you not get any?
NATELY: We did not, sir.

CATHCART: I can't hear you.
We did not, sir.

Do you not want some?
NATELY: No, thank you, sir.

One plane turned back today.

Would the crew of that plane
stand up?

And who might the pilot
of this intrepid ship be?

That'd be me, sir.
KORN: That's McWatt, sir.

McWatt.

And pray tell, McWatt,

what precipitated this urgent
need to be back at base?

Broken intercom--

Speak up
so everybody can hear you.

A broken intercom, sir.

Oh.

[sucks teeth]

Major Major, you've been
reading the manual, I believe.

Tell us, in the course
of your studies,

have you come across
a paragraph or a subclause

that tells you
that a broken intercom

is a valid Procedural
Termination Mechanism

for Mission Abortion?

I don't, um--

[clears throat]

I haven't necessarily--
CATHCART: No, you haven't!

Because there isn't one!

And I want everyone to take
a good look at this table,

because at this table,

you will see the face
of cowardice!

And that is not a face that
gets Baked Alaska put in it.

[slow jazz music]

Hi.
[girls giggle]

[indistinct chatter]

[seagulls crying]

[airplane engine
roars overhead]

[all shouting]

It's goddamn McWatt!

[laughing]

Oh, Jesus Christ.
KID: Get out of here, McWatt!

AARFY: What the fuck?

You piece of shit!

McWatt, you fucking maniac!
[chuckles]

Son of a bitch.

Come on, McWatt,
let's see what you got.

AARFY: McWatt, you nut!
What's he doing?

Yeah, get him, Sampson.
Yeah, Kid, get him!

Come on, Kid, get him.
NATELY: Here he comes.

KID: Come on, McWatt!
Here he comes!

KID: Come on!
Let's see what you got!

Oh, I see you, motherfucker.
Come on, McWatt.

YOSSARIAN: That's right,
give it to him.

Kid Sampson,
shove it up his ass!

Shove it right up his ass!
KID: Come on!

Whoo!

[engine roaring]

Shove it up his ass!

This is going
straight up your ass, McWatt!

Oh, shit!

KID: Whoo!

[somber music]

Oh.

He got Kid Sampson.

He got Kid Sampson!
Fuck!

Fuck! No, no!
Oh, God!

[yelling]

Oh, no.

[grunts]

What are you doing, McWatt?

[spits]

Happy, happy, happy, happy!

Aah!

[soft music]

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