Original subtitles

The bird kept flying into the window

over and over again until it dropped.

It was so upsetting.

What are we supposed to do?

You need to get out of the bird's flight path.

I recommend you tear down your house.

Or you could use these stickers on your windows,

and the birds will steer clear.

Seems like a lot of work for some idiot birds.

Bird have been around 150 million years.

We're at 200,000.

I don't see us going the distance.

In an evolutionary cage match,

I'll take birds every time.

Hey, George, I have your coffee.

No cream or--

- Oh! - Ow!

- Yamamoto! - Aah!

Looks like we could use some of these stickers

around here.

Sorry, George.

I'll get you another one, okay--

Oh, God!

Stop doing that!

Like I said, in an evolutionary cage match,

we're toast. Rizzo?

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com

1x03 Clean-Smelling Pirate

Now which one of you is Spaghetti,

and which one of you is Meatballs?

Ah, meatballs.

Well, Barnaby's surgery is all set for 5:00.

And don't worry, we'll take care of Connor too.

- Great. - You're not staying, dad?

I had a long talk with Ms. Crane.

You're gonna be fine here, okay?

Okay.

You are gonna have a lot of fun here today.

We've got lots of candy and games.

And I'm sure you have a fun doctor.

Dr. Coleman.

Huh.

I'm beat.

Work the shoulders, Rizzo.

That can't be doing anything.

No, not for me.

He finds it relaxing.

He's been a little stressed.

Ahh. His hammock's at the cleaners.

George, do you mind if I give Doug

the lung mass surgery on the terrier

- that just came in? - Yeah, go for it.

Why, you need me for something bigger?

No, I just--I think Doug's better for this one.

There is no circumstance in which

old sausage fingers here

would be better for surgery than me.

My fingers do not look like sausages.

I know. They smell like sausages.

You eat too many sausages.

I want Doug.

The owner is a nine-year-old boy

with an emotionally unavailable father.

I hate it when people say "emotionally unavailable,"

like that's a bad thing.

I'm a better vet than Doug.

Well, not with kids.

I mean, look at all the thank-you notes

that Doug gets.

I think Dr. Rick is the only one that gets more.

Who the hell is Dr. Rick?

Well, that's typical, George.

You don't even know who all the doctors

at this hospital are, do you?

Well, let me show you something.

Hi, I'm Dr. Rick.

Didn't we pick up a set of twins one night?

Right? Right? Right? Zing!

First, I will murder that puppet

if he speaks to me again.

Second, I get my accolades

from the top veterinary societies in the world,

not five-year-olds who don't know

which way a horse's leg bends.

You don't even like kids, okay?

You have made that very clear on numerous occasions.

Okay. I see what this is about.

You're punishing me for something

that I said two years ago.

You said, "I hate kids."

Well, when you say it like that,

it sounds harsh.

I remember saying it like,

"I hate kids."

Well, I wish I would've known that

before you lost my nephew at Coney Island.

A lot of people lose kids at parades.

Yeah, well, I would rather Doug do the surgery

over any of them. So it's his case.

End of story.

Looks like old sausage fingers

wins this time, eh, George?

Oh, no, no, no.

What's wrong?

I don't like puppets.

Are you for real?

You're afraid of puppets?

You're a grown man.

I know it sounds irrational,

but it goes back to my childhood.

Instead of paying for a babysitter,

my father used to drop me off at the Bunraku Theater.

I'd sit there alone for hours

while ghastly, human-sized puppets

would do this in my face--

It was terrifying, terrifying.

Hey, Angela, got ya some gauze.

If you need any more gauze,

I'm your guy.

I'm your Ryan gauze-ling.

Cool. Cool, Jerry.

But I think I'm all set.

- You are. - Yeah. Yeah.

Thanks, man.

Hey, Angela, you want some advice from a friend?

- Sure. Who? - Me.

Oh, you're not my friend. You're my boss.

Come on, I could be both.

I think Jerry's got a crush on you.

Eh, I've already got a guy.

- Oh, really? - Mm-hmm.

- What's he like? - Dax is a great guy.

But it's your classic story.

Boy meets girl. Boy gets girl.

Boy loses parole hearing.

I'm sorry, parole?

Is he in prison?

Yeah, but it's a bum rap.

I mean, all he did was take something

out of somebody's mailbox.

- What did he take? - Their identity.

Yeah. You know, I--

Since we're becoming friends,

I feel comfortable telling you this.

But if you keep dating convicted felons like Dax,

you're never gonna be happy.

Well, I don't know if you've noticed,

but I'm super happy, like all the time.

No. No, no, no. I mean, sure, for now.

But there's no future with a guy like that.

I really think that you should

give Jerry a chance.

He's obviously into you.

Jerry is not into me.

He's into gauze.

He's, like, obsessed with it.

- Hmm. - Hey.

Just reviewing the lung mass on that kid's dog.

Yeah, about that, Doug, bad news.

Dorothy wants me to take the case after all.

What? I--

She seemed pretty sure that she wanted me to do it.

It's Dorothy, she's sure of 7,000 different things a day.

It's just-- it's weird

because you're really genuinely awful with kids.

I mean, you're truly just a disaster.

You know what? I was trying

to spare you the embarrassment.

Dorothy doesn't think you're up to the task.

All right? Lungs are delicate organs.

So she thought it would be better

if I told you man-to-man, vet-to-vet,

superior surgeon to slightly lesser--

That doesn't sound like Dorothy.

You know? So I'm just--

I'm gonna call her. Okay?

I just wanna hear it from her.

Go ahead.

It's extension 12, right?

I want this case.

I don't want Dorothy to know anything about it

- till it's over. - Why?

Don't ask me about my business!

Okay, I get it now.

This is to show her that you're not

as crappy with kids as she thinks.

Wrong, as usual.

Everyone knows lobectomies

are my second favorite surgery.

Or you wanna prove that you wouldn't be

as bad a dad as Dorothy thinks.

I don't care what she thinks.

Besides, the whole concept of fatherhood

is a human construct.

You know what a polar bear does

as soon as it's mated with a female?

Smokes a cigarette,

heads off to find more females.

What about male penguins who spend months

nurturing their babies?

Come on, George, admit it.

You wanna show Dorothy

there's a little penguin in there.

I'm chief of surgery.

- I'm taking this case. - That's fine.

But just know that kids are not as easy as you think.

All right? Plus, this one's here alone,

- no parents. - Yeah, got it.

I'll just take some of these.

Yeah, don't take 'em all.

- These stickers. - Those are good.

- This little-- - No! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Not--not my woobie.

Stays with me--

always.

There you go.

- Hi. - Oh, hey.

I think I'm all set with gauze, Jer.

Actually, uh, they're serving beefsteak

in the cafeteria today.

And I was wondering, do you wanna get some?

Oh, heck yeah, I wanna get some.

Okay. See ya, man.

Oh, wait. Hey, Angela?

Here's a crazy idea.

Why don't you two grab lunch together?

That is a crazy idea.

What do you say, Angela? 1:00?

Sure. Sounds fun.

I thought I was pretty clear

when I said that Jerry's a total shower curtain rod.

Shower curtain rod?

Yeah, a panty dryer.

Ugh, you know what?

You've gotta give him a chance.

He's sweet.

All right, I guess one lunch wouldn't hurt.

But, hey, don't tell Dax.

No, I'm just kidding. He's in the hole.

He'll never find out.

Hello, I'm Dr. Coleman.

Uh, I'll be examining Barnaby

before we take him into surgery.

- Are you the fun doctor? - Are you kidding me?

I even have a monkey.

Look at this.

Hey, Dr. Rizzo?

Come on in.

Get in here.

God, you're so cranky when you haven't slept.

He's tired. His hammock's in the cleaners.

But I do have these.

And the fun continues with a sticker.

There you go.

Is my dog gonna be okay?

Of course he is.

Hey, since I have you here, let me ask you.

Uh, you ever gotten lost at Coney Island?

- No. - No?

But you can see how it could happen?

The pre-ops came back on Barnaby.

Great. Let's take a look.

Just give us a minute.

Something wrong?

Barnaby's in kidney failure.

I have to go tell that kid

his dog might not live through surgery.

Ooh.

Wow! Barnaby's a kidney failure.

How severe?

I give him a 30% chance of surviving the surgery.

Oh, man.

Well, gonna go break the news to the kid.

Yeah. No, aah. No, wait.

Hang on. Uh, hold on.

Uh, just curious, what are you gonna say?

Just tell him what I'd tell any owner

who comes in here with a sick dog.

No. You make 50-year-olds cry.

This kid is 9.

You're gonna need my help on this.

I will have Juanita take him downstairs

and get him some ice cream.

Because kids like ice cream.

You probably didn't know that,

but that's what I'm gonna do though.

Hey, Angela, you're back from your date?

Come on, I wanna hear about it. Gab, dish, spill.

Could you not say, "gab," "dish," or "spill"?

It's off-putting to me.

All right. Lunch was fine.

I had a beefsteak.

I found out that Jerry was paying,

so I had another.

Then I got one to go.

Hello, meat snack.

That's it?

Come on, I want details.

I'm not too great with details.

Well, just break it down for me.

Did he hug you hello? Did he hug you good-bye?

Did he hug you in the middle of the day?

Because that would be weird.

- Come on, details! - Got it.

Well, Jerry likes to put ketchup on his beefsteak,

which I think is kind of gross,

but also kind of cute.

And then a man, during dessert,

bumped into his chair on accident,

but Jerry didn't get up and bash his face in.

See, I know dating a nice guy

isn't always as exciting, but in the long run,

it's what's best for you.

- You're right. - Oh.

Thanks for the advice, D.C.

Bye.

Ugh, no, not happening, Doug.

Listen, I recognize that this all seems a little crazy.

But I have found that role-playing

is the most effective way to practice

doctor-owner interactions.

And yams actually minored in drama.

And you're surprisingly good, aren't you?

So you are a child with a sick dog, go.

Okay.

Da-da, doggie, boo-boo.

Not that young, buddy. Age it up a bit.

Okay, okay.

You'll never understand me! I hate you!

You're not my real dad, Bruce!

- This is over. I'm done. - Hold on, hold on.

Yams, you're, like, nine, okay?

Mister, what's gonna happen to my dog?

Is he gonna be okay?

Fine.

Uh, well, your dog is sicker than we thought.

Is he gonna die?

I mean, he-- he could.

Try using this.

Come on.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

- I'm out. - Yams?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - I'm coming!

I'm surprised you thought that would go better.

Here's what you do.

You need to go in there and get in touch

with your paternal side, okay?

If you were the kid's dad, what would you say to him?

When I was a kid, my dog was sick.

My dad didn't have great advice for me.

- What did he say? - "Got a shovel?"

Yeah, don't-- don't say that.

Don't ever say that.

Don't even say that to an adult.

You know what?

You have taught me something, Doug.

You've taught me that

I have absolutely nothing to learn from you.

Ms. Crane, what's the process

for one making a resignation?

Why, Jerry?

Because I simply can't work with Angela

after our date anymore.

Ang told me the date went great.

- I call her Ang. - Yeah, for her.

She had three beefsteaks,

had her way with me in the stairwell,

and now, she won't even look me in the eye.

Then she said she was gonna go out of town,

but that was obviously a lie.

I mean, look.

Oh, boy.

I can't even take the stairs anymore

because of the painful, painful memories.

You're perfect.

No, you're not. Hit the gym.

Can you believe that guy?

Angela, Jerry told me everything.

How could you treat him like that?

Pretty easily. He's a classic bottom.

You have got to stop this destructive behavior.

It's not too late to fix things with Jerry.

You know what?

I don't think we can be friends.

- What are you talking about? - Look.

My real friends respect what I'm all about, okay?

They don't try to change me

into some Jerry-loving girl who goes around dating Jerrys.

This is who I am.

And if you don't like it, tough nuts.

Ang.

Also, only my mom calls me Ang,

and that's 'cause she has a terrible stutter.

Uh-huh.

How's the hospital ice cream?

Dr. Coleman, I only get ice cream

in the middle of the day

if there's something really good or really bad.

If something's going on with my dog,

I wanna know.

Okay, uh, listen.

I'm gonna put this as gently as I can.

Barnaby's sicker than we thought.

He has renal failure and only a 30% chance

of surviving the surgery.

Could be complications from anesthesia,

cardiac dysrhythmia, hemorrhaging,

lung collapse, or it could all end up being,

you know, just fine. Understand?

Yeah.

Would you throw this out for me?

You bet.

So we need to get Barnaby into surgery right away.

I'll get you some more ice cream if you like.

There's some games in the room.

I like to play yahtzee.

Seriously?

What the hell did you say to him?

I gave him an accurate portrait

of the dog's prognosis.

- Ah, boy. - You're not helping!

I'm gonna go check radiology.

You go check the lab.

Try to move those stubby legs a little faster.

So hurtful.

Why?

Yamamoto, can I see your hand please?

Okay, but don't read my palm.

I don't like spoilers.

Oh, my God.

It's on me.

Take it off. Take it off.

We are ending this right here and right now.

You are not afraid of this puppet.

You control it. It does not control you.

Now, make it talk.

- I can't. I can't. I can't. - Make it talk!

Take control, yams.

Hello, Yamamoto.

You're a handsome fella.

You really think so?

My wife says I have girl's ears.

That's preposterous!

You have very manly ears

and shapely legs and the feet of a geisha.

Oh, my God.

This puppet understands everything.

That was kinda fun too.

You know what, Juanita?

I'm in control, not this puppet.

Somebody should give this girl a talk show.

Juanita.

- Agreed. - That's right.

Come on, Rick.

What a great lady.

Doug, you were supposed

to be in surgery 20 minutes ago.

- What's going on? - I made a mistake.

I said something stupid, scared the kid.

He ran off with his dog. It was all me.

I was acting alone.

George stole the case, and he screwed it up, didn't he?

I'm gonna take that as a yes.

You are unbelievable.

This is Coney Island all over again.

When are you gonna let me live that down?

When you stop losing children.

For the last time, I told you,

he said I could go get a beer.

Hey, hey, hey. I think he's close-by.

I found his sweater down the hallway.

Give me that.

Hey, nugget.

Connor, honey, Barnaby needs the surgery.

You gotta come out.

Maybe we can coax him out

with some kinda child biscuit.

They're called cookies, George.

And don't worry, Doug and I will handle this.

Actually, I think George can do this.

Don't tell him what your dad said to you.

Just tell him what you wish he had said.

Okay?

Connor, uh, Barnaby is a parson Russell terrier.

You know that, right?

Yeah, so?

Parson Russell terriers are, like,

one of the most noble breeds of canine.

They used to hunt side-by-side with royalty.

These little guys could keep up with horses

40 times their size.

They're really brave.

And they're really strong, Connor,

really, really strong.

I just--

If any dog could survive this,

I think it's a dog like Barnaby.

Okay.

Do you think Dr. Doug can do the surgery?

You're taking me off the case?

No.

I just don't wanna wait alone.

Doug, you need to get Barnaby into surgery, right away.

Yeah, absolutely.

Oh, okay.

What about you?

We'll be in the waiting room.

Don't worry. I'll try not to lose him.

- Ms. Crane. - Angela.

Pay no attention

to the man behind the gauze.

Okay, I am fully willing to recognize the fact

that I was a little off about Jerry.

Ya think?

I had no right to tell you how to live your life.

I'm really, really sorry, Ang...ela.

You weren't totally wrong.

I just found out that Dax

used a piece of his toilet to stab a guy.

Maybe I should start dating nicer guys.

Eh, I mean, it's not like

I haven't dated guys who were bad for me too.

Who can blame a lady for wanting a little excitement?

We just want what all women want,

a guy who's a little bad and a little good.

Yeah.

A clean-smelling pirate.

Exactly, a clean-smelling pirate.

Or a dirty-smelling millionaire.

Okay.

Could not have gone better.

Oh, yeah.

You're welcome.

Good, sturdy handshake.

Hey.

I'm having a really hard time

admitting that I was wrong to take that case away from you.

So...I brought someone to help me say it.

Hey, George, you did a really great job today.

As chief surgeon around here,

I'm officially firing Dr. Rick.

Aw.

You really surprised me today.

I only did it 'cause I don't want you

taking any more cases away from me.

Oh, really, is that the only reason you did it?

Yeah. Why, you think I do stuff to impress you?

No, I would never think that.

But I did impress you.

Good night, George.

Night, Rizzo.

Hey, Dr. Rick.

What are you doing down there on the--

Aah!

Aah!

Sync & corrections by honeybunny www.addic7ed.com