Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language and scenes of drug use.

Turned down for the occasion, lazy smoking policy.

After four hours decided, some cigarettes, some wine. I've not got what

for, but I don't really mind that I said.

Rosie, what have you done to me?

Since I was just a boy, now I'm a casualty. I said, yeah, it's free, free

Now we're all done.

Oh, look at you.

You look... You look like you.

Oh, we've missed you so much since you've been on the funny farm.

Yeah, it's not an asylum, Mum. Well, I just saw a man reading a book of poetry.

A man!

Yes, it was me.

I'm so proud of you, Rosie.

We all are.

As a child of an addict, I can safely say that... Oh, not this again.

Sorry, I... I just meant that you are in the right place.

I know, Ruth. Thanks.

Well, I didn't sleep at all. Today I'm making history. I'm picking up my car.

I'm going in a space van. Don't know when I'm coming down.

It's when I'm passing my old town.

So tell me, why is it we're never happy?

Everybody wants to be an astronaut.

Nico, it's your turn to do the recycling.

I did it Wednesday.

Oh, my God.

Why can't people stop masturbating on me on the night before?

Christ, I look like Grandad.

Shit!

Morning! Monica!

Why are you outside my house?

I love your glasses.

Where did you get them?

I could get the same pair, then our eyes would match.

Don't you live, like, five miles and two buses away?

I just wanted to say hiya. I thought we could walk to work together, like

friends do.

Oh, I usually go to the coffee shop first.

Oh, me too.

Which one?

Starbucks? Or Nero?

Or Costa?

Oh, I go to an indie.

Oh, I've always wanted to try an indie. It's so exotic.

I'll come too.

Hey, I meant to tell you Friday, but ain't Charlie to see you urgently first

thing? What?

What about?

Oh, I don't know. I wrote it on my hand and... You wrote this before the

weekend? Yeah. It's permanent, Marcus. I won't forget.

But you did forget, Monica. I don't look at my hands often.

I have contact dermatitis.

You feel it?

No. What if I'm being sacked? Monica, you should have said.

They won't sack you.

You haven't been in Beslan.

You're spreading rumours or bullying people, have you?

How should I know?

Oh, God.

Did you get cappuccino? or civets are possible. What's that?

Does an indie coffee cup have things?

Will the barista be African or Afrikaans?

Isn't that a different country? That's a funny accent thingy. Look, get me a

mocha with a double espresso and something for lunch. Oh, and whatever

See it works.

Right.

You can't sack me. Not in my professional trousers.

Oh!

When are you coming home?

There's a new series of Drag Race and I can't watch it by myself. I get too

frightened. We're looking after him for you.

Well, you look like you've lost weight.

Are you eating?

Oh, er, yeah.

Yeah, for dinner last night, there was fish fingers, beans and guacamole.

So, yeah, I am eating, but what I'm eating can only be described as mush.

It's, er, like nursery food. They try to infantilise you so they can build you

back into a better adult.

No, no, it's cos most of the people here have lost their teeth to crack.

Right.

Rosie. Oh, Robert.

Do you know what this meeting is about today?

Is it a stationery thing? Because I can bring all the staplers back.

Me and Nico are to shoot them at each other. No, Rosie, it's more serious.

I didn't warn you.

I didn't know what you'd want.

Can I just say it's an honour to be your impartial witness?

You can, but you invited yourself.

I suppose you're wondering why we asked you in to talk today.

As an empath myself, I am sensing some hostility from you.

Yeah, because I found out about this meeting less than an hour ago.

Several of your colleagues and clients have been concerned about you and Sir

I've never met you before.

Yeah, but I can sense things. I did a call.

She means me. I've been concerned about you.

Rosie, you're very talented, but... So why are they concerned?

Because she works so hard.

No, Monica, shut up. This is serious.

All right, I'll put my serious face on then.

I use it to try and control cats.

But I do work really hard.

I've never taken time off. I'm here early every day. I stay late.

I made this company hundreds of thousands of pounds in the first quarter

year. You are slightly erratic, so whilst your work is good, we think

we have a responsibility to you and to our client. We really value you as an

employee. We want to keep you happy.

Rosie, they're being dead nice and everything, but I don't know what this

woman's job is.

So, Heidi, can you be a bit clearer? What exactly is this meeting about?

We'd like you to sign off for a bit. Sort of like a paid holiday.

But I don't want to waste my holiday.

Rosie, you fell asleep under your desk five times last month. I fell asleep

because I had a jack of potatoes.

I've since switched to paleo.

And Robert's just as bad as me.

We had sex in his Audi.

I've checked and it's technically allowed.

I know.

This company is very pre -me too. I feel like I should have sent a memo about

that. Look, Rosie, I can obviously say in black and white what's going on.

that would be mega useful because I don't have a clue.

Basically, can't I sign you off for a month, full pay, and then I can send all

this stuff anonymously on some company -headed paper?

So you're sending me off, full pay, no work, no commute, no Monica.

Sorry, Monica.

And I have to do what?

You get some treatment.

Can I be signed off with Rosie?

Er, no.

But... No.

Rosie, this is for the best.

To be honest, this could be just what I need.

Mary's fine.

Are you serious?

A woman's 96?

That's just greed.

Mum, I'm phoning for a chat and I don't know who Mary is.

Why aren't you in work?

Let me take these glasses off. I look like Grandad. Oh, I'm working from home.

We're hot deaf now.

I don't want to hear about your sex life.

You've got red wine lips and your eyes are all glassy.

It's how we wear make -up now.

Oh, I'm losing you.

Bye.

Oh, she does not spark joy.

This is boring.

Thank you.

Yeah, I could sell that song to Florence and the Machine.

You should go to

Lagos. Or Iceland.

Oh, Alexa, where are the big men?

Alexa, where are the rich men?

Yeah, that is so bad

Was it by drinking Malibu and looking pretty?

Yes. They'll pay me one day.

Why aren't you at work being responsible with numbers?

They sent me home to take some time for myself.

I'm literally in the living room getting wasted.

I'll have a shower. I'll be straight there.

Oh.

I thought you were getting a shower.

That's not myself.

We're good.

They want me to take some gardening leave.

They started doing random urine testing at work or something. Did they see that

yours was stripy?

No.

But, I mean, they're right.

I burn the candle at both ends and when it meets in the middle... I mean, I

literally just tried that in our kitchen and it wasn't pretty at all.

So, do you need me to do anything to help?

I have lots of sandwiches.

Ew, carbs.

And four and a half bottles of wine left.

Monica, hi.

I'll leave you with that.

What is it?

How are you?

I'm great.

I'm just checking you're OK for the health assessment this afternoon.

3pm, St John's Street. It's private.

What? Yeah, I told you. They need a doctor's referral so they can backdate

insurance correctly.

Well, I wasn't told this.

Oh, it's easy.

I had one done when they found me humping the shredder at the Christmas

They just need some urine, a blood test, general ear, nose, throat, reflexes.

Medical history, tox screen, and then he tickles you, which I found ace, but the

doctor was struck off.

Well, I can't go today.

Rosie, you have to. It's in your contract.

I never signed a contract.

Well, I did it for you. I'm your assistant. I do all kinds of things like

Didn't you notice the stationery I ordered for you, saying boss bitch?

Er, no.

Well, I want a female doctor, and they have to be of Sri Lankan origin, because

cricket reasons.

Well, great.

They've got you booked in with a Dr Nina Navagamwa.

Um, but the urine sample, can I do that at home?

I'm bladder shy.

Oh, I have no idea.

I'm like Niagara.

Shh.

Relax.

They can't do anything except fire you.

Exactly. Give me some urine.

Oh, you don't want any of mine. I took something called Moomin Troll last

Totally covered in groves by the early hours.

Well, they're going to test my blood anyway, so they're going to know I'm

impure. Right.

Eat this.

It's a poppy seed muffin.

So? Poppy seeds come up as a narcotic, so if you eat that, you won't have to

lie. What about all the other stuff coursing through my bloodstream?

I've been drinking.

Say you swallowed mouthwash. I did. And benzos and Adderall, opiates, gummy

vitamins. All totally legal.

And coke and weed.

Vampires would trip the fuck out on me. Get a grip.

I have a plan. I already Googled moving to Iceland and it's too dark.

Are the Icelandic the tall, blonde women?

No, I think that's the Swedes. I won't bother coming with you then.

Look, don't you get it?

I can save people tax.

I can do numbers. I'm a VAT genius, but that is it.

I have nothing else.

I have no other skills.

You could be a farmer.

That's a highly skilled job.

A worm farmer.

I'm phoning Mum.

Give her my love.

Mum, hi. I need a urine sample from you.

Great. I'll see you in 20. Love you. Bye.

Wait, she just said yes. No questions asked. She said no, but she invited us

lunch. Come on.

I'm going to steal her piss.

Brought you some fags?

Oh, good idea, Nico.

She can trade them for laundry tokens or a shiv. Yet not prison either, Mum.

Shouldn't you take this opportunity to quit, though? Wow. Jesus, Gerry.

What? She's made a huge effort in coming here in the first phase.

No, it was actually a lot less effort than I thought, to be honest.

It was a lot easier with your help.

Particularly yours, Ruby.

Me?

Why me?

Hi.

Oh, good.

More cats with cream, too. No wonder my dry cleaner loves me. Well, that and I

let him hit me with a spatula.

So, Rosie, Nico?

How are we?

We are depressed that Ariana Grande will never love us like we love Ariana

Grande. Oh, I'm sure he will love.

Rosie, I heard you were sent home.

Are you feeling OK?

Never better.

I just have to have a little medical this afternoon.

Insurance and that. Oh, dear.

No, no, it's fine.

I brushed my tongue of deutritis and had a fuckton of water, so I reckon I'll

pass. Anyway, I'd better get on.

My mum's struggling with her addiction issues and we're going to a meeting.

Oh, use the downstairs toilet. I have a tomato plant soaking in the upstairs

one.

So, cup of tea?

Now, we were wondering... I am not giving you any of my clean Irish piss,

Like I always say, it's time you learned to use your own piss.

You want that on your gravestone?

I know what you're up to. I'm not mad.

You've been eating asparagus and you don't want the doctor to think that

a stinker.

I want that on my gravestone. No, Mum, look, I don't want to lose my job.

I'm really good at it.

I just happened to have accidentally eaten a pot brownie and I'm scared I'll

fail the drugs test.

Don't be stupid.

They can't sack you for that. You'd sue the arse off them.

Someone as talented as you, you've never lost a job in your life. You're our

little genius.

Right, I'm off.

Hey. Oh, good luck.

Bye.

Hi, love.

She's disgusting.

Did you hear that?

No. Exactly.

She doesn't flush the toilet.

She's one of those, if it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down

types. Well, what if your urine is brown, I say to them?

Honestly, I'll go and flush it.

Your urine isn't brown, though. Because that's like kidney disease or something.

Only one, after a brilliant St.

Patrick's. But she's all into the save the water stuff.

I mean, where's it going to go? It's always raining here.

Got it.

I mean, done it. I mean, flushed it.

Anyway, Mum, I've just realised that we've got to be somewhere.

Oh. Where?

Oh, yes. We have an appointment with a personal trainer.

His name is... Charlie, we've got to go. Yeah.

Would you not take some food with you?

Just pop it in the box when you're finished and you're all done.

What if I do too much wee?

Should I take two?

No. Please don't do that.

Nico, we need to get completely torpedoed. Where are you?

What the hell is a silent disco?

Who are

you

listening to?

BTS, you?

Wilhelm Richard Wagner.

Tragedy!

I'm flagging.

I need a bump.

In the 90s, we called it Charlie.

Oh, that's the name of our fake personal trainer.

Who do you think's holding?

You know this is a silent disco.

We can hear you.

Excuse me a moment.

Nico, it's the doctor.

Hello? It's not an emergency, Rosie, but your liver enzyme tests aren't great.

You have a fatty liver, extremely high cholesterol, and your BP was through the

roof. We don't really like the look of your sugar levels either, but that could

be the 15 sandwiches.

18. Give it to her straight, Doc. How long has she got?

Who is that?

That's my personal trainer, Charlie.

Hey, my name's Charlie, too. Stop confusing things, Charlie.

So, I'm sick.

Doctor, am I going to die?

I'm not saying that. You'll be fine with some lifestyle alterations.

Also, your urine came back positive for opioids and benzodiazepines, so I will

need to tell your HR department.

I can't believe you stole my piss.

Hang on, I don't get it. How did they find drugs in Ruby's urine?

Well, it's a fair old mystery.

But if I were to hazard a guess, I'd say it's because your wife's on drugs.

No, no, no, no, no.

Rosie's the druggie. No, no, I'm a druggie. I'm not the druggie. My wife is

on drugs.

I have 50 millilitres of urine that beds differ.

I can't believe you kept my piss.

Well, I didn't, but...

You are on opiates and benzos.

Is it true?

It's... It's not untrue.

Is it because you're the child of an addict?

Is it genetic?

It's not passed down through urine, Mother.

She's not just the child of an addict. She is an addict.

God, I hate that phrase.

She's the real deal.

Welcome to the family, Ruby.

Come on.

Look, I've got to go.

It was lovely seeing you all.

But I have MA, mindful meditation, and then art therapy.

Oh, hey, how about I draw you a picture of a massive hypocrite?

Love you, Riddhi.

Hush now, child.

And don't cry.

Your folks might understand you.

Bye and bye.

Just move on up toward your destination.

Though you may find from time to time complications.

Thank you.