Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language and scenes of drug use.

Bye, Mom.

Oh, Rosie, love, they're in the garden.

Am I forgiven for throwing gin at your head?

Depends. On what?

On whether you buy me a thingy. What kind of thingy? A really, really big

thingy. I'll get another credit card.

Get two, to be safe.

Hugsies.

Don't worry, it's just a bump.

At least it was decent gin.

Are we ready for the first sighting of the celebration porch?

Happy first question was birthday to you.

Happy first question was birthday to you.

Happy first question was birthday, dear Connor.

Well,

that was incredibly weird.

Celebration pork.

Connell's favourite.

So, like, do we save him a piece of pork and take it to the graveyard?

Don't be stupid, Nico. It needs garnishing.

Oh, good.

Your ma's doing celebration pork. I hate celebration pork. Every birthday.

We all do.

My favorite is chicken a la chicken.

What a chicken juice.

You know what my favorite is?

Um, Guinness a la Guinness?

Would you look at that? My wee girl's a psyche.

I'll get us another.

No, Rosie.

You're my favorite.

Because you're the one who's most like me, and I'm brilliant.

Because I was born with a full set of adult teeth.

Just like your brother, Kevin. God rest his soul.

Oh, Dad, I know I'm your favourite because I'm the only one who believes

about being born with a full set of adult teeth. And a beard.

And Joey never believes me. And it's ironic, really, because Joey's actually

mine.

Actually yours.

As opposed to... Well, you know... As opposed to you and me.

We drink together.

We chew stuff.

With her adult teeth.

Um, I'll get another pint.

I'm just glad I could be here for it.

Rosie, you're only here because you ran away from rehab.

And then went on a massive drug binge.

And I think we can all admit it was totally worth it for Mum's beautiful

celebration pool.

You can't be trusted, Rosie.

It's just lie after lie after lie.

After lie.

I already made that clear, Mother. I thought we were starting a song.

Look, I think you need to tell us exactly what happened.

We want to know what you're hiding so we can help you.

About what exactly?

Everybody's hiding something, aren't they?

Ruby.

Well, why aren't you in rehab?

Wait, Rosie, none of this is what it seems like.

Rosie, you need to be honest with us. You could get really sick. I don't need

do anything unless... Maybe you lot should start being a bit more honest,

OK, OK, you got me.

I had a threesome with one of the McGann brothers. Don't ask me which. They all

look the same from behind.

Truth is...

I know something about every single one of you.

Sorry. Sometimes I pretend to have asthma for attention.

I keep my mouth shut.

And if I were to reveal your little confessions, then you aren't going to

it. That's an empty threat.

It ain't got anything on me.

I've no wedding.

I know that one. Keep it small.

Look, I can help.

Financially. I've got a bit stashed away. I have no dependents.

And I can get free Netflix if I keep sleeping with people with a password.

I mean, that's really kind. Thank you. And stop doing the Netflix thing.

But, um... Look, I know I'm in a bit of debt at the minute.

How much do you owe now?

50 grand.

Whoa.

So... I've seen your internet search history.

And? And you're really boring. Why do you like baby owls so much?

Oh, they are so cute.

Your love is like a breath of fresh vomit to me.

Go on, then. What have you got on, say, Mum?

I'm going to have a wee peek to see how the celebration sponge cake is rising.

Celebration sponge, celebration sponge, celebration sponge.

Thank God my family hate me.

Dad, we need to talk about what you said.

I'm really sleepy.

Dad, this is serious.

I wish people understood. Nothing is serious.

When you said that Joey wasn't actually... Them little pills.

What do they do?

Help me forget.

And how did they do that?

I can't remember.

I'll just leave this here to admire before I add my flourish.

I had Easter chicks left over.

Don't eat them, whatever you do. Just suck their little feet.

Mum, we need to talk about Rosie leaving rehab.

No!

That's all I had.

That's all you had?

Well, yeah.

Other than this.

Just be more honest with us.

Oh, oh, wait.

She's just like her da.

The two of them always deflecting to get themselves out of trouble.

Well, I used to wake him right up with a good grab of the crotch. Oh, of course.

No, you hypocrites.

I mean, I'm a really honest liar. And at least people get to see a nice little

dance. You lot, you just keep it all hidden.

We don't have secret.

I can tell by the guilty looks on your faces. You have all participated in

devilment. What is a joy? You can tell me, love.

Drug smuggling, sex trafficking, gang warfare.

Yeah, yeah, it's actually all three. That's why I like El Chapo himself.

Ruby and I live in a two -up, two -down opposite chicken cottage.

Your Majesty.

Nico, when will it be time to air your dirty laundry?

Oh, please, no. Imagine the stain. We all know Nico's secrets, don't we?

Chucked on the street, all gay and nowhere to go. Lies!

He left home of his own accord because his dad wouldn't listen to his nightly

Anne Sexton poetry recitals.

He lived here for months. You gave him my bedroom.

And he's bi, not gay.

Well, that's why we couldn't share a room. What if there had been

Ew. Ew.

I said it first.

He kept it lovely.

Vacuumed every day it was.

He didn't let anyone know his real secret.

Okay. Except for maybe in the height category of his medical records.

I am six foot. You're 5 '11". Stop with the ocean of lies, you vain twat. And

what about you, Ruby?

It'd be nice to get to know a little more about your inner thingamajigs.

Told you, we don't have any secrets.

Oh, this is so frustrating.

How do you think we feel with you?

Come on, Rosie, use your words.

Yeah, I... Not words, but a good effort.

Stop deflecting, Rosie.

Come on.

We love you.

Why didn't you just go into the rehab clinic?

You'd been so set on it.

Oh, fine.

Fine.

It was at the front door.

And you can sort of see the lounge, but... And what? No bath?

Joey, would you try?

And there were just a bunch of people there. No make -up on or anything.

But they were, like, having a laugh.

And I just thought...

Wow, they look happy.

They look almost healthy.

Like I'd like to be.

They look, you know, good.

And, uh, I just... I just don't think I deserve to be that happy.

I never have, and I don't think I ever will.

Oh, fuck off!

Fuck off!

I nearly bought it, love, but you over -egged the pudding.

Oh, that reminds me.

I have to egg the celebration pork.

Okay, fine.

Fine. I just don't think I'm there yet. I just didn't want to.

Just talk us through what you had that night.

You binge. Your massive binge.

Your massive, hairy binge.

Okay, fine.

So with Ken and Hat, I had weed, beer, some shrooms, I think. Oh, and some

pills. Oh, and meth. Meth is wonderful.

Bloody hell.

This is like Alice in Wonderland.

Wait, who are Ken and Hat?

Caterpillars. They live in a VW camper in the woods. This is such a beautiful

fairy tale.

Then with the lads, weed.

Vodka, warfarin.

Warfarin, the blood thinner.

Yeah. Their grandma told them it gets the drugs into your system faster.

Well, as long as Gammy says.

They're nothing with the Uber driver.

Really? Because they do tend to have the best heroin.

Not sure I did heroin.

I definitely did loads of tramadol at one point. The opiate tramadol.

As in, you know, heroin.

Yeah.

I've been taking a lot of those recently.

Sometimes for hangovers, but mainly because they make my toes feel all

Exactly what Janice Joplin used to say.

Then with Nico, I did some amphetamine, MGMA, some coke and some gin.

Hence my gin bump. Look.

But this is about you. Carry on.

I mean, that's a ludicrous amount of substances to put in your body.

Ludicrous, like I thought.

Why didn't you just stop when you had enough?

Ha! Enough!

Oh, you don't get it. What exactly is enough? Well, if it's in any way useful,

would say that what you described just there, that would count as enough.

Enough to kill a baby elephant.

Oh, they're easy to kill. Thank you.

And maybe I'm more rock and roll than a baby elephant.

It depends, African or Indian.

Oh, let's not get racist now in front of Ruby.

Ah, thanks for your support, Wyn. Look, Rosie, I think you might be very poorly.

Don't be daft. Everybody does it. I don't. No, never.

Only with you and them six for days afterwards.

I talked a doobie spliff in real once.

and had to stick me head out the bus window all the way home. OK, maybe not

lot, but other people. Other people do.

The only person I can think of like that was your father.

So, who's my dad, then?

Oh, you're very drunk.

Come on, let's get you home. We'll go by the chippy.

Oh, no, what about Mum's celebration for?

I've forgotten all about that.

We'll just get the half portion of chips.

Come on.

I often think...

I should have done more.

You know, with his little problems.

His half -bag of chips that I could smell on his breath at night.

He was a cholesterol time bomb. You're a great wife, Wynne. And a brilliant mum.

At least you made Joey.

I can do my little dance again if anyone wants to feel more uncomfortable.

Hey, you're ace, Rosie.

But you're just having a bit of a time of it. And that's nobody's fault,

especially not your mum's.

Wynne, I'll tell you my secret.

Once, when my mum was sick... Your mum was sick?

Yes, Wynne, she's an alcoholic. I have mentioned that I'm a child of an addict.

First I've heard of it. You should mention that more.

Well, once when my mum was sick...

I had to make my own food.

Ball sacks. Ruby cheated.

What? Don't be ridiculous.

Ruby just got married.

There's nobody listening to me. I personally drifted out when I started

trainers. Ruby is having a bloody affair.

With a really, really hot man.

Although I don't remember how hot he was.

I was on drugs and everybody looked hot.

Ruby, my judgement spectacle.

Rosie. I caught her. I caught you.

Is this true?

Joey, you can live here. I'll go and run you a bath so you can share with Nico.

Ew. Ew. I said it first.

And he was naked. So there you go.

Everyone picking on me for being dishonest and manipulative.

Well, who's let the cat out the cradle bag now, eh?

That's not a thing, love.

Who's the fox in the hellhole with a cigar, eh?

No.

She's a philandering whore.

Judgment spec's coming off now. I can't judge a philandering whore. It's my

favourite type of bubble tea.

I'm not having an affair.

Look, our marriage is rock solid.

I only love Joey.

No, no.

So who was the guy in your bed when I came over?

Rosie, that was me.

Now, don't be angry.

God, why are you in rehab?

Because I know the meaning of life, and if you'd just let me explain it to you,

I'll write it down. Get a pen.

Are you on something, Rosie?

Life.

Are you writing all this down? Yeah, yeah, I'm writing it down, but it's

to take me a while because it's complex, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're right.

Look, Rosie, none of this is what it seems like.

Uber, home. Oh, bye, Joey.

These aren't even prescription.

Rosie Malloy, that is the work of the devil.

You could have ruined their marriage.

I just wanted to prove that we've all got secrets and I'm no different from

lot. Well, you are.

And what would your daddy say? God rest his soul.

Your father and me, we never had a secret in near 40 years.

Really? Really.

Well, what about you, Joey?

No money problems, Joey?

Uh, yeah, the money problems you included in your best person speech at

wedding. It's hardly secret anymore.

Oh!

That's what I did. I've been asking for weeks.

I thought I'd done something really bad.

You did.

Rosie, I think you might need to get checked out.

If you're not going to rehab, at least go see a shrink.

She's the child of an addict, so she knows these things.

Yes, Wyn.

Oh! Why don't we watch the celebration video?

Oh, God.

Yes, the celebration video.

What? Oh, no, actually, that is really cute.

All right, yeah, go on, then. It's already set up. Go on.

Oh, Joey, look at you.

Oh, cute.

Is that Kevin?

Yeah, that was my Kevin.

And there's my Connell.

And our Rosie.

Oh, look at her.

Oh, happy dude.

Oh, so cute.

Nice, you today.

Oh,

some things never change.

She learned to love it. Were you all just leathered like when you were kids?

Mum, I'll come help you with the pork. Yeah, it should be rented enough by now.

You said you had something on all

of us when you were being highfalutin earlier.

I wasn't being highfalutin.

I couldn't falute right now, highly otherwise.

I can't remember the last time I had a good falute.

Dad told me something once.

It runs in the family, Rosie.

Your problems.

You were very close to your father.

It's been tough on you, his passing.

In the pub once, on his birthday, he said... You were his favourite soul.

I think what you're going through.

I think if we'd had the fancy drugs and all that back in our day, I'd like to

think he'd have been the same.

You'd like to think that?

That he'd have been a massive drug addict?

Well, he had his pub.

And he had his shed whiskey.

And his underwear drawer whiskey.

And his Ford Anglia whiskey.

And he had his pornography.

And he liked to make things up too.

But you said, you said I wasn't yours.

So who's that man?

Rosie.

Rosie.

What is this?

From the day you were born, you always have been and always will be mine.

From the day I was born?

From that moment.

Maybe not before.

Just forget about it.

You, tell me honestly.

What do you think of your mother's celebration pork?

Tastes like tramp dicks, Dad.

That's my girl.

Now that can be our secret.

He told me. He told me I'm not his.

Rosie, your dad was a drinker and a romancer. They make things up.

You know what I mean?

Oh, yeah, I do.

Did you know that I was on drugs?

Hopping aspirin and a better cold doesn't count, Mum.

No. After Kevin died, I did some... What would you call it?

Loopy feck and shite. And I put me on the drugs.

I shoplifted.

I drove drunk.

I thought about killing us all so we wouldn't have to cry anymore.

I wanted to run away.

Do good deeds in Bangladesh or somewhere.

A different geography.

I didn't want to be me anymore.

Me with the dead child and everyone looking.

I stood on a bridge on my own at 3am a few times.

I had sex with a few people.

Though no one important.

No one whose names I remember.

I poked myself with knitting needles a fair bit.

I stopped brushing my teeth.

But how did you get better like you are now?

I'm not better, Rosie.

You don't get better.

You come home and you make celebration pork and that's life.

That really is it.

And when Dad said I wasn't his, you know, he was a great man. But he

was troubled.

And I've never been perfect.

When you think of it, if you're not his, whose are you?

You're the biggest saddest addict I know and the second biggest

Thank you

You know

This really is fucking disgusting though, isn't it?

I wonder why Connor loved it so much.

And I don't mind.

Goodbye.