Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language and scenes of drug use.

Oh.

Oh.

Just looking for a drug.

Oh, I was going to lie and say a bus stop, but yeah, drugs is so much better.

We have everything.

Even tea.

I'm Ken.

We live in a camper van, travelling up and down the country from Manchester to

Liverpool and from outer Manchester to outer Liverpool, selling drugs to people

who've run away from rehab.

I wasn't running away from rehab. I was jogging.

Jogging away from rehab.

Turn off the location tracker on your phone, please. This is Hat, my wife.

Su casa, mi casa.

That's Spanish for paella.

We do a lot of YouTube language courses.

Oh, you're very good.

Oh, gracious!

I'm Rosie.

What is Hat short for? Louise, but people find it hard to pronounce.

Smoke?

Oh, ow!

Sorry, people don't often throw beer at me for my peripheral vision.

And yours?

Er, long -term.

And other stuff.

All the stuff.

Don't you worry, love.

We've got all the stuff.

Including beans.

If you're staying for dinner.

Please don't throw beans at me.

That would be a way. We've got a motto here. Don't waste beans!

Don't waste beans.

I think I heard the Dalai Lama use that exact same mantra.

Come on.

Have a beer and a smoke.

Relax.

So is it just you two here, like an ice cream van for addicts?

Addicts is a kind of labelling. We prefer smack heads.

How is that better?

It's not. We just prefer it. And he whittles away his ward in case the

form us to do our occasion.

Some of our best customers.

Oh, reminiscent of a young rodin. Or a provocative gormling.

It provokes the essence of... It's a bunch of logs, isn't it? Oh, yeah, it's

total shit.

So wouldn't you prefer living in town? You know, more addicts. Smack heads,

Laura. Addicts is offensive.

Why? They've got something wrong with them.

No, we always choose somewhere green and natural, Rosie.

Don't chop the shit out of them.

I mean, look at this place.

Look at us.

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?

Can you even imagine anything more beautiful?

No. No, I can't imagine anything more beautiful.

The colours here are like honey.

And I can hear the birds.

Every single bird.

The wind is making its own music with the birds.

The oneness.

It's the music of the spheres.

The sky is like a jigsaw.

I've forgotten how to ride a unicycle.

I know the happy new customer.

You're beautiful.

Oh, we're the same.

You're me and I'm you.

I will never eat another tree again.

Oh, mythical thingies. Hi, Graham.

Hi, Billy.

She's like an episode of Bob Ross.

Shall we pop a few shrooms down now?

Do you need anything?

Do you need money? A holiday?

We should go to the Sharm El Sheikh together.

The kids from the estate will be here soon for the poppin' poppers.

You're going to have to get her off that tree.

She does look weird.

Yeah.

See, this is the driving license.

I can teach you to drive, but you might want to get the sunroof for your big

haircut.

Fine.

I'll get rid of her.

Oh, shite.

I'll hold the van. You lose.

Come here, love, and have a quick puff of the good stuff. You can... Oh,

there you go.

Wait,

this isn't my tree. Ah, right, well, that's, you see, because your tree...

here. Ah, look after that. Your tree went down that way into town for the

91 bus.

That's right, I was looking for the bus stop one, then I... Yeah, yeah, run.

Again? Come on, love.

You don't want to get caught.

Rosie, what are you drinking?

I just escaped from an asylum and thought we could hang out.

Oh, and I have these pills prescribed to a Professor James Goldwich to be taken

when needed.

That's cold.

Do they get you high as shit?

Hell yeah. Take it to me.

Where did you get this?

Bottle bank.

Oh, God.

How old are you, woman? How old do you think I am?

39, like my grandma.

How dare you? Freddie, you always take ten years off when a lady asks you that

question. I did, Trey. I'm 35.

Here's my driving licence. Look.

Anyway, age doesn't matter. I could wrestle a bear. I could climb Everest. I

could swim the Channel.

You're having a rough time, then, eh?

Loony bin.

Approaching three brothers, begging for drink.

Do you need us to call someone?

How old are you three?

You look... Wait, let me take off ten years.

My God, you're toddlers.

Why are you out without your mother?

I'm Trey, 15, Victor's 14, and that one there, Frederick, is 16.

Rosie, can you do us a favour?

I am prepared to do anything for my new best friends.

Life's an adventure, isn't it?

Can you go into that shop and get us some din rislas, a pouch of baki, two

bottles of high -percent low -cost spirits?

Not cos you look old, just cos they know us round here. We steal a lot of

sandwiches. Could you keep me at the front of the shop?

Yes. Oh, only I've lost my wallet somewhere.

Oh, come on.

Wow,

this could be my job.

That woman's a mess.

Oh, that's why she reminds me of Grandma.

Go, go, go!

I've gotta get me a model white girlfriend

Oh, stop!

That's a grandma on my dick, girl, you know.

Thank you, Trey.

This is my brother's house. You have permission to rob it because you helped

Nah, like some mobile spam.

Like some mobile spam.

Bye, Trey.

Oh.

You're just a rock.

Zoe,

Ruby, I have important news.

Now, don't be angry.

Rosie, why are you in rehab?

Because I know the meaning of life.

And if you just let me explain it, I'll write it down. Get a pen.

You okay, Joey?

Are you on something, Rosie?

Methamphetamine, pot, alcohol, and something called life.

And yet there is no life or death.

There is only action, to which there are no consequences. Because when I was on

the Titanic a moment ago, I saw things.

Billions and loads of galaxies are all tuning into me and everyone.

And it doesn't matter whether you're an eyebrow or mustard gas or Gal Gadot from

Wonder Woman. Are you writing all this down?

Yeah, yeah, I'm writing this all down. It's just going to take me a while

because it's a bit complex.

You're right. Your tiny chicken brains will take years of silly to get to my

level. So we'll have to start off with beans and their wastage. Now, Rosie,

of this is what it seems like.

Nothing is.

Bye, Joey.

Nico, it's me.

I lost my keys and my wallet, but I found me.

What are you doing here? You're supposed to be in rehab.

Just was me in.

I've got company.

I don't care. This is an emergency.

Fine, fine.

Call me. I promise next time I'll have that token.

I ruined my contouring for you.

And you replaced me with this.

It's an emergency.

She's got no flair.

She hadn't even tucked her dick under.

Nico, I need some more to think. Look, I know it's a waste of ice cream, but can

you help me shift my bed so I can sleep with my head in the freezer? Rosie, you

kind of ruined my night. And you're supposed to be in rehab.

I escaped, and then I took loads of drugs.

Rosie, I don't know what to do now. I should call someone or...

Any drugs left?

You'll have to check my nose.

Who was that?

My new best friend.

I'm auditioning them since you're supposed to be getting cleaned.

Drag artists look fun on TV, but in real life, the scale of their feet frighten

me.

Wow,

that flat looks amazing.

Did you hire a cleaner?

No, this is just how normal people live.

I'm Julia.

Oh, my God. Hi, Gregory.

Hi. Hi, I'm Rosie. Pleased to meet you.

It's your best friend.

I still feel like I should tell someone you say to let them know you're okay.

presumably the facility will be calling you next of kin.

Blah, blah and blah.

First I need to tell you all about the universe and my theories of all things

that ever existed or ever were to exist.

I have Mario Kart. That will also do.

Okay, let's have a chilled one tonight, okay? Sort all this out in the morning.

One final blow -up, okay?

Promise. I love you.

I love Bowser, didn't my controller.

Rosie, do you ever feel like there's something more wrong?

More wrong than what?

I mean, if you'd gone into rehab, do you think they'd find something wrong with

you? There's nothing wrong with me.

There's something wrong with everyone. Nobody's perfect, except Holly

Willoughby. I'm euphorically happy. Oh, I'm coming up.

Stuff can be genetic.

Your dad? I don't like to speak out of the dead. You don't.

I'm just saying I loved your dad, but okay, I'll drop it.

God, am I in prison?

Nico!

Nico!

Wake up! I think we were burgled! Shut up, Rosie.

What happened in here? Did we have a party?

I cannot stand the sound of your voice right now.

What happened to the bookcase?

Well, we were playing Mario Kart, and you love Bowser, obviously.

Right.

And the cleanse?

Also Bowser.

And why does my arm hurt?

Was that... Wario?

Because I had to stop you jumping off the fucking balcony, Rosie.

Oh, God.

I took meth yesterday.

Ooh, your heart.

On the day you're supposed to be checking into rehab, you took meth.

You're the original OG.

No, that doesn't work. Because the O in OG stands for original anyway, so I'd be

the original original.

Shut up, Rosie. I need to sleep. I've been awake all night making sure you

choke. It was amazing.

We should get some. You'll like it. It's like a billion times better than coke.

Or sex.

Or sex on coke.

Oh, cool plan.

And gee whiz, with beautiful results like this, why wouldn't I?

What did you do to your face?

I didn't do anything.

Oh.

I... Do the bottle at you when we run out. Oh, shit, Nico.

Well, you or Wario, Potato, Wotato.

Oh, this is a mess, Nico. I'm sorry.

Oh.

Can you untie me?

Oh, God. OK, so, a little role play for you.

Imagine you and me off for a night out on the town.

It's around half past 11.

You're looking hot. I'm looking hotter. Snatch.

And we're having a great time getting ready.

Then it's off to the bars with the overhead lighting because we both have

cheekbones. We only stay for one because I'm feeling predatory on the twinks.

Ow!

Christ, when did you last wax?

Just then, obviously.

OK, so... I'm going to be you. And you're going to be me.

And I'm going to show you what you can get like on a night out.

No, I don't get it.

So I'll play you, you play me.

And theme.

I love a bit of theatre.

Let's do shots.

No, you do him.

Uh, uh, tequila, Zambuca or Jagerbomb?

All three because I can't pace myself.

Tonight's going to be such a good night for me because I'm totally selfish.

Now, hold on a minute. She's not selfish.

She buys most of the drinks.

It sure is, as long as my whining don't get in the way and I don't get Rosie an

Uber before she's ready to leave.

You're on the right here, you know where, Rosie. Yes, and unless I don't

a raging, violent monster that picks fights with bouncers and cries about

I should have had therapy for years ago.

Therapy. For people who've nobody to go for a pint with. Oh, would you look at

that? I'm still feeding Rosie drugs and alcohol, even though I can see she's a

little tipsy. Maybe I'm a control freak.

Time to do that dance I think looks sexy.

Yes, me too.

I'm going to suddenly decide to clear the dance floor with my ballet.

Is nobody going to Riverdance?

Rosie probably needs more drinking drugs in her so I can dictate her behaviour.

I'm going to take some more drugs and fuck the bouncer in the toilet while

Nico's fixing his hair. You didn't do that.

Rosie, no.

Everyone, look at my tits!

Oh, heck. I'll fight every one of you fucking wankers! Yeah, come on!

Suck my tits through the Jagerbomb, bitches!

That doesn't sound like Rosie.

That doesn't sound like me. It isn't you.

It's what you've become.

Rosie, this is terrible, my love.

Dad, don't listen to him.

Who were you talking to? This is so unfair.

How many times has that happened? Like, once.

OK, maybe twice, but that bitch was laughing at the way I say tequila. If I

all my fingers and then took my cashmere socks off and used my toes and then

stripped naked, we'd get to around that number.

21 isn't that bad.

And I never got my tequila.

Most people get into that state once in a lifetime, at most.

You? Your timeline goes, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, nice, bitch monster

Hades. Shit, I saw Joey last night.

I went to his house.

What? Why aren't you in rehab?

No, that wasn't Joey.

Joey isn't a big black dude.

I'm getting an Uber to your mum's.

I want you to stay in bed.

Here are two Xanax and four cans of 10 % cider.

That should get you through the worst of it.

Bye. Where are you going with your fake designer suitcase?

We're going on holiday.

Oh, let me grab my bikini. Give me ten minutes.

I already waxed, remember?

I told you we were going to lose everything.

You've lost me.

Nico. Get a shower.

Go to bed.

I've changed your sheets and I've put your gym jams out for you.

Let me know you're not dead at some point.

No, Rosie.

I know you've been through a lot.

Your whole life has been a lot.

Death and disease and overwork and exhaustion and a whole bunch of other

things. But don't let a lot make you too much.

You cut that line for me at Dundas.

Emmerdale.

Get your shower.

I do, though.

Rosie, that's for drunks.

Shit,

Joey, you scared me.

We've cleaned every single crevice.

Crevice.

You won't find any alcohol or drugs.

Nico phoned me.

After he called, we cleared the place. You could have a normal, clean and sober

environment. Cleaned everything.

Checked everywhere.

Even my nooks?

Especially your nooks. Not my crannies.

Yeah, we got to them too.

We just, er, want you to be safe, Rosie.

Well, I know something about Ruby.

She's not as perfect as you think she is, Joey.

What's the point?

You just can't help but like, can you?

Where's the ice cream?

With your credit card.

Every cranny.

Mommy. Kiss, kiss.

Oh, mother.

If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this program, help is

available online at sky .com forward slash viewer support.