Original subtitles

The following program contains strong language and scenes of drug use

Cool, so you're not dead then?

Um... Hi.

Hi.

You knew it was going to be a dry wedding.

You promised.

Rosie, you ruined everything.

Your dress is in your locker.

Joey! Jojo!

What's in life?

You disgrace!

And she thinks she's Amy Winehouse with the way she looks at me.

Dressed down for the occasion, lately smoking policy.

After four hours beside her, some cigarettes, some wine. I've not got what

came for, but I don't really mind. And I said, Rosie, what have you done to me?

Waiter, your best champagne, please.

I've just been promoted. He just got engaged.

I'm best man.

Well, best person.

Oh, that's a bit them -they pronoun -y for me.

I'll be best man with a vagina.

Right, OK, so you've got three duties.

Stag do, get me to the altar, and the speech.

A speech?

Yeah, you know, like a best man speech.

Silly little stories about things I've done.

Not that one.

Or that one. Rosie, definitely not that one.

And there's one more thing.

You're not going to like it. Joseph Malloy, I am so going to like it because

you're my baby brother and I love you.

OK, well, you know that Ruby's mum is in AA.

Is she? Because she's only mentioned it about eight million times.

Well, it's going to be a dry wedding.

Fuck off.

I just want to thank everybody for believing in me and for

this incredible opportunity at Dean and Jacob's.

Particularly all the little people. Monica, Robert, and of course, God.

Rosie, can we have a chat by the hot desk?

Oh, hot desk.

Anything for you?

Excuse me, everyone.

Save me some cake.

And by cake, I mean carver. What a work ethic.

She's like a shire horse with better boots.

Rosie, you need to keep it down. You're clearly wanky. So what? They can't fire

me. Not even if I do this.

It's true. Mr. Jacobs does it all the time.

It's fine. I think fine.

So, let's raise a glass to my boss, the youngest client manager and my best

friend, Rosie Malloy. R to the O'sy to the M to the O 'loy.

Nope. Rosie, look, you stink of booze and you're slurring.

Shall I drink some coke?

No, look, you can still get fired. You're taken as an instant dismissal.

Well, look at my cute face.

I don't fire people with lovely little faces. Plus, I accidentally ticked the

gender fluid box.

Untouchable.

Rosie, congrats again.

Honestly, I cannot wait to be working even closer to... for you.

Monica, I don't suppose you know a good dealer?

My usual one was shot.

Er, I could ask that guy who sleeps in the car park. He's cute.

Oh, I've been looking for an opportunity to talk to him.

Monica, I feel sometimes you need protecting, so I'm going to tell you

once.

He's not very good in bed.

Oh, I could change him. He has kind eyes till about noon.

Now, come on, have another drink and photocopy me bum.

No. Eh?

We could get matching tattoos.

A rose for my Rosie.

No, Monaghan.

Is that another to pick?

What is it? A rose?

What's that supposed to mean?

Um, it's my name that you gave me.

Wipe your nose, love. It's bleeding again. Oh, it's all the excitement.

First Joey getting engaged, then your big promotion.

Will they give you a spinny chair?

I've always had a spinny chair.

Ah, how the other half lives, Conall.

When? Tell her.

Today.

This is a happy day.

Rosie, we need to talk to you about something.

The nosebleed.

It's just another sinus infection.

I need a different doctor. My usual one was shot.

Oh, right.

Well, it's to do with doctors.

No, I'm fine.

So you are, but... He's dying.

What? No, you're not.

No, I am that.

It's his heart.

With the fags and the boozing and the daily pound of bacon.

CHD. Mad cow disease.

No, coronary heart disease.

No, but that's not fair.

Oh, it's a bugger, all right, but you're hopefully going to make Joey's wedding.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, I can fix this.

Honestly, you throw, like, 30 grand at these doctors and you're cured. I can

30 grand.

My savings.

I'll sell my flat. And don't quote me, but I think I am part of a racehorse.

I am not worth 30 grand. So look at the state of us.

He's really not.

50 quid tops.

Rosie, I'm telling you because I don't want Joseph to know before he's good and

married. Then why don't me? That's really, really stupid.

Don't call your dad stupid.

He's dying.

I'll be fair, Arwen. I am quite stupid.

I wanted you to know.

You can handle it.

But I don't want to handle it.

Well, you were the responsible one, Rosie.

Remember when you were little? You were going to buy me and your ma a cottage

with roses round the door.

Lovely wee girl you were.

And what did she want to be when she grew up?

That learnt.

I'm going to make you an appointment with a specialist. No, an expert.

A famous expert.

Dr Robert Winston.

Isn't he that fertility doctor off the telly box?

When are we getting grandchildren, by the way? You get in a cottage, and Dad,

you'll come to the doctor.

I'm going to fix this.

Okay, sure.

After the wedding, though. For who knows, I might drop dead doing the hokey

-cokey.

Now, wouldn't that be a funny story?

I'm going to fix this, Dad.

Apartment.

So, I know it's going to be a dry wedding, and I've been practicing.

I haven't smoked or drunk or taken any medication all day today.

Ta -da!

You're doing all three right now.

Today. I said today. It's getting dark now.

Rosie, I'm going to be sisters, and sisters should be able to tell each

anything. Oh, OK, I'll go first.

I once went on a silent retreat with work and got fingered by a monk.

Rosie, it's not me. I am not anti -letting your hair down. It's just, you

the wedding's in a fortnight, and I worry you're going to have trouble

staying... Sober.

...upright. Oh, my God, no, I'll be fine.

Yours and Joey's wedding is my absolute priority.

Especially the thag two.

Now, I hope you don't mind, I've invited my friends Candy and Candy, second

Candies with a K.

I'm joking.

Two years ago, after we found you in Mum's Tomatoes, we did an intervention.

Do you remember the intervention?

Er, no.

No, no, I don't at all.

All your friends, your family came along. We told you how you were hurting

hurting yourself, the drugs and the booze and the sex.

Oh, my God, I just thought that was a really shitty birthday party.

Rosie, look, I love being part of your life.

I love you.

And I really love your brother, so, you know, I'm just a bit concerned about our

wedding. It's one day, and if you could just, you know, bring it in a bit.

I promise I am going to be on my best behavior.

It's going to be the best wedding ever.

I promise.

As long as Father Gregorius isn't there.

Rosie!

It's so lovely to see you.

And how lovely you look.

And what a perfume.

Smells like whiskey and the night.

And have you been snacking on judgment and mellow birds?

I haven't seen you since I pulled you out of my tomato plant and asked you to

come to Alcoholics Anonymous with me.

Again, I was looking for friendly snails.

You let me know.

I'd better go wait for Ruby.

Rosie, love, you heard this is a dry wedding. What the feck is that when it's

home? How will people fight?

I don't know, Mother.

You look beautiful, love.

They can't have no alcohol. Surely. I mean, I can imagine banning Jagermeister

because of the bright orange turds. But no booze at all.

They'll be banning smoking and shagging in church next.

See you in there.

Yeah, I'll be in in just a sec.

Just need to do a little prayer.

Oh, Heavenly Father.

Hey, can I get a glass of water, please?

Black Americano.

And please may I have a large glass of white wine?

Actually, I don't need the water or the coffee. And can you make the wine, like,

really large? Like, bottle -sized?

A turmeric for your latte, please, Luca.

See you, Cass.

Have a glass of wine, for God's sake. Eat a pound of bacon.

No, thank you.

Everyone, Sunday yoga with Mel will be started in 15 minutes upstairs, followed

by the traditional 5K run.

Ew.

How about you?

You don't have to do the run, but I insist you try the yoga.

I haven't got my mat.

You look like you could do with the indoor things.

Unless cocaine has been rebranded as endorphin, I'll take a pass. You know,

be it from me to give advice to a stranger, but yoga really could change

life.

Here's my rent, Mrs.

Landlady Sir.

No. No.

Get off!

Oh, I think tramadol would make this easier.

You start keeping the common areas decent.

Last time I brought a girl home, we had to do it in my room.

Oh! Where else would you do it?

Well, I'd avoid that beanbag until I'd dry -cleaned it if I were you.

Talking of which... Oh.

I am freaking out about the wedding, Nico.

My brother's never going to speak to me again.

Well, he's never spoken to me.

It's biphobia is what it is. Well, that and I once licked his face.

What are you doing?

Yoga. I call this move the eagle.

Or like Eddie the eagle.

You're doing amazing, sweetie.

Oh,

forget about Joey.

Joey's all I have. I can't lose him.

No, I mean adult friend -wise. He's my anchor.

You're like my little dinghy. Oh, I am, aren't I?

Why don't you ask your mum?

Enough on a plate.

My dad's ill, remember, really ill.

Oh, no, no, sweetheart.

And if I call my mum, I'd have to film a Christmas plant.

In July?

She starts on Boxing Day.

No!

I need to change. I need to stop this.

All I do is party.

Well, what else do you want to do?

I don't know.

Maybe learn German. Oh, God. The only thing learning German ever helped was

porn hub.

Nico, I'm a mess.

Personally, I admire how you're beautiful and tragic, like killing a

peddler. I'm serious.

I can't stand thinking of Jerry's face.

It's his nose, isn't it? I need to change.

Sounds smashing, but first, shall we nip and get some gin and Haribo from

Waitrose and watch Drag Race?

And a thought tomorrow.

Shut up, Robert.

It's a disease.

You look like crap.

Lovely crap.

OBS. It's my allergy.

Oh, well, your allergy's made you smaller than Luca, cos that's totally a

I'm working.

Fancy a live in there at lunch?

No, I've given up.

Oh.

Good. Yeah, good.

Pleased for you.

Stop judging me.

You were judging me the other day as well.

Sometimes, Robert, I feel judged when we accidentally have a thing.

Sorry, I'm not judging you, Rosie. I'm trying to be a friend.

You're good at your job.

And that the accident was an accident.

You don't text me asking where a relationship's going?

As a woman, that is my proudest achievement.

So I like you.

A lot.

You're a mate, but I heard, I hear, people talking about you.

Saying you're a bit erratic.

You're like a few pints for lunchtime.

You lose your temper with clients.

I don't know the fuck it ever feels.

I just...

Like I say, I like you.

I don't want you to blow it.

I mean the job.

You can blow anything else you fancy.

Robert, I'm living a new life free of bad things, of which you are one. OK,

right, yeah.

I'll drop it.

Thank you.

Now, do you fancy some accidental sex?

We're going to get you through this, Dad. You are the strongest man I know.

And whatever happens, I am always going to be there looking after you, Mom,

Joe... Why are you looking at me like that?

You have to look at Benito Mussolini about you when you're serious.

Right. Oh, God, you're annoying.

Well, I'll be dead soon enough, so don't worry.

Mr. and Mrs. Malloy.

We're not married.

Oh, my God, did you think we were married? Look at him.

Excuse me.

Mavis down in the balls club thinks I'm a cat. Yeah, well, you're not, so shut

up.

Dr Sandow, how much is this going to cost to make her away?

Well, as your doctor told you, it is a terminal diagnosis, but it's not

imminent. How much for a new heart?

I don't want a new heart.

This is the one that's valid for your mother.

Well, you'll get what you're given, and you will fix him. Please.

We're desperate.

What if they gave me Hitler's heart? I have friends up the synagogue.

What would they say?

What about a baboon's heart?

Or a pig?

God, I've a load of them. Pigs are ubiquitous. I've seen at least three in

last month. I'm sorry. That's just not a thing that happens in real life.

And I am not having a pig heart.

What would Mavis down the bowls call me then? I'll tell you what.

Pig heart.

Yeah, she sounds very witty.

Miss Malloy, it's important that your father avoids stress.

And that includes the kind of pressure that you're putting on him right now.

He's Catholic. He lives on stress.

Come on, Rosie. I'll buy you a pint. And obviously, you should avoid alcohol.

We're done here.

Go,

Ruby. Little thing.

Does Joey hate my guts and never want to see me again? I mean, yeah, he's pretty

pissed off, but I did speak to him about your issues.

Oh, my issues.

I like that.

Makes me feel Californian. You know, my mum, she was off red when I was growing

up, so I'm used to it.

Right, you've got a couple of choices.

You carry on as the way you are or you die.

Die? Yeah, I reckon you probably will.

Well, your mum didn't die. No, she recovered.

But after promising us that you'd behave at the wedding, I reckon you've not got

it in you. Your problems just die.

I can't help it.

I don't want to die.

Oh, my God, what have I done?

Wow, that's exactly what worked on my mum, too.

I think I could be television's Dr Linda Papadopoulos.

Morning. It's 8pm.

Well, it's 5 o 'clock somewhere. I could pour me a drink.

Oh, hello, Ruby.

Hello, Nico.

Listen... I think we need to write down a list of all the rubbish you're putting

into your body. All the things that are making you feel bad.

I mean, what are these?

I don't know. I got them from a vet.

Nico, giving up bad stuff doesn't mean I'm abandoning you. I just need Joey to

see I'm making an effort not to be dead.

Well, that's easy.

You're always not being dead.

Right. On Rosie's bad list so far, we have speed, booze, benzos, opiates,

uppers... They're drugs.

I've only emptied one of her medicine cabinets and my mouth's already

Put Nico on the bad list.

Oi! I'm not bad.

I'm delightfully fruity. Sorry, Nico, but you are toxic.

First time I met you, you slapped my arse and you said, nice weave, sister,

like, wow!

I have a master's. I greet everyone that way. You're not special.

And caffeine.

Oh, caffeine's fine.

Some studies show... And caffeine.

No, best to be specific.

Diet Coke.

Skinny lattes, diet red balls, caffeine pills.

How come they're all sugar -free?

Well, I add sugar to them because I'm addicted to sugar as well. So, chocolate

oranges, Kit Kats, Bailey's ice cream.

Oh, we have some in the freezer.

Ah, wait, no, I ate it.

Progress, not perfection, Rosie.

Like they always say in my family group, a chocolate orange isn't going to kill

you. Really?

That's your family mantra?

Everything in moderation, Rosie. No, you don't understand it at all.

Unless I give up everything negative, I have to do all things negative.

So... Social media, BuzzFeed.

BuzzFeed? You're 35.

According to my choice of Disney princesses, I'm 20.

Sit Netflix down, too. Netflix is okay. Not when you take two days off work to

watch How to Train Your Dragon on repeat.

Can we watch it, please? No.

It's only good on drugs.

Right. Come on. Let's just start by getting rid of these.

I have just the place for them.

Is it into your face?

Yes.

I must say.

Mel, hi.

Oh, hey.

Class is finished for today.

Yeah, I know. I've been stalking you.

Mel, look.

I need your help.

Look at them.

Oh, dear.

Do you want a job?

I have a job.

I need you to fix me a drink.

See? Oh, I just can't help myself.

Please, Mel, fix me.

I need someone to tell me how to do this, how to give up everything.

Mel, watch.

Look.

Look how committed I am.

I've been practising like mad and taking lots of muscle relaxants.

Um... I'm going to leave.

Good luck, Rosie.

Namaste.

Hey, Rosie.

Monica, what... How much of that did you hear?

Oh, well, I don't eavesdrop, but I heard every single word.

I had to move closer and hid behind that curtain to hear more.

I need help, Monica.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Of course I'll help.

Hey, we don't have matching tattoos for nothing.

I'll never have a liquid lunch.

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